Psychological characteristics of older and younger children in the family. Is it good to be an older brother

Hello. I am a mother of three sons - 10 years old, 8 years old, 1 year old. The attitude of my eldest son towards the middle one has been cool since his birth, and has recently deteriorated to the point that he demonstrates his hatred and anger towards him as often as possible. I do not know what to do. The middle one began to respond in kind, although the child itself is softer than the older one. When they are alone, both are just gold. Together they cannot even 5 minutes. Both treat the younger well. Everything from one dad. Dad spends all his free time with us. There are grandparents. They study well. The younger has many friends, the older has fewer. Both go in for sports. I quit my job to devote myself to them as much as possible. I am happy about motherhood. It is very sad that the relationship between children is disgusting. Help me please.

Hello Julia! children by themselves cannot learn to be friends. Most likely, there is jealousy between the brothers - the difference between them is 2 years, so when the middle son appeared, the brother suddenly became the eldest and shared your attention with him, and this inevitably leads to quarrels and an increase in tension between the children. Now he can rip off his feelings, his anger, resentment, rejection on him in such a way, he can blame him inside himself for the fact that he "took" his parents and their attention from him. Sons need help. Their relationship has been developing for years and one or two days will not be enough to fix everything! here the help of the whole family will also be needed - you, father! You will need to figure out how the children's day is built, what you and dad do with the children, how your leisure time with the children goes, are there any joint activities, is it useful to play in teams, when the elder and middle begin to be in the same team together. Also, a psychologist needs to work with children in order to understand what children experience, what feelings are inside them and what they are trying to convey with their behavior, what to express and help them express it not through aggression against each other, but to learn to be aware and articulate their own the senses!

Julia, if you really decide to figure it out, feel free to contact me - I will be glad to help you.

Shenderova Elena. Moscow. You can work by phone, skype, watsapp.

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Julia, hello!

Competition between children for the love of their parents is a fairly typical and widespread situation. Every child wants to be the most important, the most beloved, the most important. The difference between the brothers is not so big, which allows me to assume that the formation of hatred of the old man towards the middle one begins from the moment of the birth of the middle son. The youngest is safe for them, but at least he is out of the field of their relationship for now. If something does appear, then only later. How can I help you. The conflict exists both between the brothers and within each individual. The situation is very ambiguous. I would recommend that you first come to the consultation yourself, so that you can understand the big picture during the interview. And further, it will determine the approach and method of resolving the conflict situation. They are still at an age when this can be resolved quickly enough. Moreover, I understand from your words that there are no problems in other areas of the psycho-emotional development of children.

Karina Matveeva, psychoanalyst, psychologist.

Matveeva Karine Vilievna, psychologist in Moscow

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Good afternoon, Julia! It's great that you have such a wonderful family. And, however, it is not very clear - why suddenly such an attitude of the eldest son to the younger. You write that your family is athletic. But what if you include an element of competition within the family? For receiving "stars" or "medals" for what everyone is good at. Try to play the competition. At the end of each day, put up "stars" for good manifestations and deeds. And each "gives" stars to the rest. For example, the eldest son notes that the rest of the family did well - for which they receive stars from him. And so everyone, including parents. For the youngest child, a mother can put up stars or take turns. The winner is the one who gives the "stars" to others the most. And for this he receives an encouragement, an award - something tasty or a small surprise that needs to be prepared in advance. The key is to learn to enjoy the success of others. This makes the family friends, there is value in each other. Try it! Hope this helps you to improve the situation!

All the best!

Sincerely

Kostinskaya Galia, family psychologist Israel

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Big brother is like sweet and sour lollipop, which is never enough for you. Even if it makes you wince sometimes, you will never give it up.

He teases and can drive you insane, but he loves and protects you at the same time. Therefore, we offer here a list of 20 benefits that will remind girls how good it is to have an older brother.

1. He taught you how to understand men

Men are often difficult to deal with, but a girl who has an older brother can understand them better. From the moment a girl first falls in love, her older brother helps her go through many misunderstandings and trials that occur at the beginning of a relationship.

If you have an older brother, his advice will help you avoid heartache in a relationship. Or at least he can help you get through it.

2. He taught you patience

As a little sister, you are probably very familiar with the pranks and games that boys are so attracted to. Therefore, it is the brother who needs to be thanked for teaching you how to be patient. Whether it's motherhood, parenting, or hanging out with other men, you learn not to get angry over trifles and not get upset too easily.

3. He showed you how to be tough.

Girls who have older brothers most often know how to be a good fighter. Naturally, in a figurative sense of the word. You have learned how to stand up for yourself and be heard. You have learned not to let anyone push you around.

The fighting fights that you and your brother probably had as a child taught you to be strong and never give up. He may be stronger than you, but you know what cunning is.

4. He opened the sport for you

For many young girls, it was with the older brother that the obsession with sports or some kind of sports teams began. If you are an avid sports fan, chances are you have many memories of watching these games with your brother.

5. He taught you about competition

Having an older brother is very good, because he was the one who taught you how to compete with the rest. When you start building your career, this skill will be very useful to you.

The elder brother gave you the understanding that there is strong competition in the world, and it is men who often win. He also helped you develop self-esteem and leadership skills.

6. He taught to restrain his emotions

It's no secret that girls are more emotional than boys. But girls who grew up with boys have learned to keep their emotions in check. You've learned how to move on. And, most likely, having an older brother means that you have learned to play the role of a comforter in difficult or tragic situations.

7. He showed you who a real knight is

Older brothers teach their little sisters exactly how men should treat them. You, of course, noticed how he treats your mom or his girlfriend, and this has become a kind of standard for you. You will apply it to all men who want to ask you out on a date.

8. He will always protect you

Sometimes a girl needs the protection of her older brother. Men always take on the role of protector when it comes to the welfare of their little sisters. Therefore, you shouldn't worry about some creepy men as your brother will always take care of you.

9. He feels responsible

As a younger sister, you may not always understand that you are holding your brother accountable for what he does. Since he knows that you are following his example, he probably won't do all the stupid things that boys usually do. Perhaps only a few of them.

10. You became his personal stylist.

Chances are you are in charge of how your older brother looks. It's no secret that men often don't know how to dress, so little sisters often take on the role of stylist for their older brother.

11. You taught him empathy

An older brother cannot be angry with his sister for a long time or be upset about her. In this regard, you taught him compassion and forgiveness from childhood. No matter what you do, the elder brother will always have a place for you in his heart.

12. You never need male help.

We all know well that life can be too busy. Regardless of what exactly needs to be done, having an older brother means that you will never need a man's help. He will always be there to help you cope with difficult things (in the truest sense of the word).

13. You will always have enough men to date.

Most girls want to get married. But finding a good person can be too difficult. If you have an older brother, then you will always have a steady stream of suitors. Some may be his friends, others - those who want to get to know you through him. Anyway, when it comes to dating, having an older brother can be very rewarding.

14. You teach him to understand girls.

Men usually don't know much about girls. Therefore, you must teach him how to talk, how to look after a girl. Whenever he has problems with his significant other, he will turn to you for advice. He has become a source of knowledge for you about other guys, so you should thank him in kind. This is how the older brother learns to trust his little sister.

15. He taught you how to defend yourself properly.

In the modern world, it is especially important for girls to know how to be able to protect themselves. Therefore, if you know how to use any weapon for self-defense, you learned about it from your older brother.

16. He took the brunt of parenting

This means that perhaps not entirely successful methods of raising your parents have been tried on your brother. When you appeared, their methods became more refined and correct.

If you have an older brother, it means that your parents were not so hard on you.

17. He taught you what is cool

From a young age, a girl can turn to her older brother, who seems to have more experience and knowledge. For example, it can teach you how to navigate pop culture or world events. Therefore, an older brother is like a door to everything new in this world.

18. He can help you financially

Older brothers often take on the role of a father to help their little sister. Including financially.

If he is older, then most likely he already works, so you can always ask him for money if mom and dad say no.

19. He taught you to laugh at yourself

Life is serious enough, but it is your older brother who can teach you how to take it with humor. Guys often play tricks on each other. It is possible that you were part of these jokes. It taught you not to take life too seriously and to be able to laugh at yourself.

20. You can always cry on his shoulder.

Your brother, as a protector, will always listen to you when you need a vest to cry. You can always count on him and will not hear criticism or condemnation in your address. This is the glue that holds brother and sister together.

It would seem that there is nothing special: someone has a brother or sister, someone has several of them, someone grows up as an only child in the family.

It is generally accepted that older children are more responsible and organized, because from childhood they have to look after the younger ones and help their parents around the house, and younger children are often more childish, spoiled and sociable. If the age difference between children is small, then the younger ones can be ahead of their peers in development, because they have an example to follow, and they often study on an equal basis with the elders, listen to the same fairy tales, and play the same games. This is what lies on the surface.
But, according to psychologists, the sequence of the appearance of children in the family has a much more significant impact on their character and habits. The position of the child among brothers and sisters dictates to him a model of behavior, forms certain traits and character traits. Sigmund Freud considered it to be a determining factor influencing the development of personality.

How will the “elder brother” grow up?

The eldest child in the family, as a rule, is distinguished by responsibility and conscientiousness, and wants to achieve a lot. The elder brother is the first child, and parents often strive to give the first-born as much as possible: they take them to developmental classes from the cradle, temper and read from infancy, devote a lot of time to him, every action, skill, word is recorded in the development diary. At the same time, the parents do not yet have experience, so the elder gets not only zeal and care, but also the mistakes of the parents.

The elder brother is the continuer of family traditions, more often than other children inherits the profession of parents, often becomes a leader. The older boy gets a lot of attention, but they also expect a lot from him. And he often justifies these expectations. The older brother is able to work hard, tries to be good, the best at what he does. Due to the fact that from childhood he has to be an assistant to his parents, he learns to achieve goals on his own, take responsibility for others, stand firmly on his feet and rely on his own strength. More than half of American presidents were older children. Boris Yeltsin, Winston Churchill, Newton, Hitler - each of them is also an older brother in the family.

It's hard to be older

But being older is hard. The experience of many, many people shows this. What problems and worries can a boy have who suddenly turned out to be an older brother? What should parents consider?

Usually, due to the increased exactingness and expectations of parents, with the automatic receipt of the status of "mother's helper", who should be a good boy and set an example, the older child becomes more serious and less likely to play with peers, he is attracted by communication with adults and older people. An older sibling may have more difficulty making new contacts, making friends, and socializing than younger children.

Responsibility beyond age can poison all childhood memories. The fear of not justifying trust causes an overly critical and demanding attitude towards oneself, provokes constant tension and denial of criticism against oneself. It so happens that the older ones get less attention after the birth of the baby, and sometimes the fatherly feeling sometimes wakes up for the dads only before the birth of the youngest child.

An "excellent student's complex", when a child always strives to be assessed as highly as possible in everything, tries to fulfill every assignment given to him as well as possible at any cost, to a greater extent, is characteristic of older children.

Undoubtedly, the gender of the subsequent children in the family is also important. If the born child is a girl, then the competition and negative attitude is not as strong as in the case of the birth of a brother. The younger brother is perceived as a rival, common interests and needs only exacerbate the confrontation. The further development of events and the formation of relationships depends on how correctly the parents behave.
No matter how great the temptation may be to shift some of the parenting concerns to an already big boy, do not forget that the older brother also has the right to childhood.

The older brother should also enjoy life, not be chained to the baby's stroller, be able to play, read, be alone. It is very important to pay special attention to it in order to create psychological comfort and mitigate manifestations of jealousy and intolerance towards younger ones. It can be at least one evening a week when the older boy spends time with his father, goes to the theater with his mother alone, or just walks with his parents and shares important events in his life.

Perhaps you will also be curious about the probabilistic forecast of what character traits the boy will have if he is the older brother of sisters or brothers. If a boy has both brothers and sisters, then these traits can be combined.

Older than brothers

There are suggestions that the elder brother of the brothers can be a boss, a politician, an astronaut, and in general hold any responsible leadership position, up to a presidential one (both in the company and in the country). He loves to be the first in everything, strives for excellence and leadership, can become a successful, but rather reserved person. Ideally, he would marry a woman who was the younger sister of brothers who were significant and authoritative to her. This will be extremely beneficial to the relationship.

Older than sisters

It is believed that it will be easier to communicate with the older brother of the sisters, he gets along better with women, is considerate and attentive, a leader, but not authoritarian, but rather flexible and capable of compromise.

How accurate this forecast is for you to judge. Our task is to show the difficulties and advantages that, from the point of view of psychology, an older boy in a family can have. Whether this is relevant for your family, whether you need to pay attention to individual features of the formation of the child's personality, or if everything is all right with you - it's up to you.

Having a sister or brother is the dream of many "single" children. Children raised in a kind and wise atmosphere will be reliable support for each other.

The birth of the youngest is a fateful event not only for parents, but also for an older child.

A normal, psychologically healthy first child brought up in a loving family, after the appearance of a brother or sister, will inevitably be jealous of the parents for the baby. Jealousy will appear even if, during the mother's pregnancy, the child was sincerely and impatiently awaiting the replenishment of the family.

As modern psychologists believe, the absence of jealousy in such a situation indicates either that the child harbored a grudge deep inside and does not show it to his parents, or that, in principle, not the best relations have been established between family members.

Why are children jealous of younger siblings?

Jealousy is most clearly manifested precisely at the birth of a second child, it is also called a symptom of "dethroning". The first-born gets used to the undivided possession of parents' attention and love, toys and other things - and suddenly he has to share all this, let another little man into his living space.

Children's jealousy is most clearly manifested when there is a small age difference between children, because in this case, they literally have something to share: toys, dishes, clothes, etc.

The hardest thing is for older children who have not yet gone to school.

In kindergarten, kids are most attached to their parents and home. During school years, children have new hobbies, close friends, the need to do their homework. The appearance of a younger child in such a situation is easier to bear.

How does a child's jealousy of a newborn manifest?

Boys and girls are jealous of their parents for their younger brothers and sisters in different ways.

Girls still subconsciously strive to take care of babies, so they can be carried away by simple requests for help in caring for a child. Boys, on the other hand, do not always want to help their parents with the baby and, as a rule, show their jealousy more strongly.

A child's feelings can manifest in different ways. Some children express them openly: they take away toys from the younger, ask them to take him back to the hospital, act up when they are not given enough attention, do something "evil" or even beat the baby.

However, the fact that an older child is jealous of a younger child may appear less noticeable. The problem can be recognized by the following signs:

• poor sleep, long falling asleep;
• tic, stuttering and other nervous reactions (manifested in the most distressed children);
• frequent whims and tantrums (especially if earlier they were unusual for the child);
• developmental regression (for example, a kindergarten child may require bottle feeding, wearing diapers, etc.);
• refusal from reading fairy tales, cheerful street walks, watching cartoons and other activities favorite by the kid.

Preparing a child for the birth of a brother or sister

As already noted, childhood jealousy is an absolutely normal phenomenon from a psychological point of view, and it will not be possible to completely avoid its manifestations.

However, the mixed feelings of a child for a brother or sister can be reduced, smoothed out, if properly prepare the first child for the birth of a baby.

1. When talking with your child about the future addition to the family, emphasize that mom and dad will love both children exactly the same: very much.
2. Tell your elder about the benefits of having a sister or brother. After all, he will have a real friend, whom you can always rely on, with whom you can play fun, thanks to whom he will never feel lonely.
3. Give your child the right idea of ​​what the newborn will be like. The kid should understand that at first they will bring a crying and incompetent bag to the house, which needs attention and care, and only after a while this bag will turn into a talking, running and jumping miracle.
4. You can also play on the child's sense of responsibility and desire to be an adult. Let your elder know that you trust him and that you are confident that he will be a wonderful brother / sister.
5. Make in advance all the changes that are expected to be made in the near future in the child's life. For example, "moving" to another bed or even moving to your own room, adaptation to kindergarten, weaning, and the like.
6. Involve the first child in the process of preparing for the birth of a brother or sister. Let him help you choose a stroller, rattles, clothes for your newborn.

These tips need to vary according to the personality of the toddler: what will convince and reassure one child may not be applicable to other children.

How to reduce the jealousy of a child after the birth of a baby?

Childhood jealousy of a newborn can be gradually reduced to naught if you follow these guidelines:

Don't leave children alone together. This is an elementary safety issue: even if the first-born does not try to harm the baby out of jealousy, he can do it accidentally. A baby may pick up a newborn and drop it inadvertently, try to feed it with adult food, etc.

However, if you see something like this, do not rush to scold the elder: thank him for wanting to share the care of the baby, and explain why you should not treat him this way.

1. Do not give brother / sister things to your younger son or daughter without his permission. Even if you want to give your baby a toy, which the elder has long lost interest in. Otherwise, the feeling of the child's personal space, already deformed by the appearance of the baby, will be hurt even more, and jealousy will increase many times over.
2. Give your firstborn enough attention. It may seem difficult with a baby in your arms, but still try to find time to play / work with your first baby. If you use diminutive nicknames, apply them to both children. If guests come to you with gifts, warn them that gifts need to be brought either to anyone, or to both the elder and the younger. In conversations, emphasize that both children are of great importance in your life.
3. If the child is very jealous of the baby, explain to him that you are forced to devote more time to the baby solely because of his helplessness. You can show the jealous person his own childhood photos or even a family video so that he understands that he himself was like that in infancy.
4. You can entrust the first child with simple duties of caring for the youngest, but in no case turn him into a "second mother" and do not say that now he should behave like an adult. An older child has exactly the same right to childhood, and he should not feel limited and infringed on his rights due to the appearance of a brother or sister.
5. Do not allow yourself to overly patronize the younger child and take his side in any situations. An older child also needs your support and protection, and you shouldn't always blame him just because he is older and "needs to behave." Emphasize that you are ready not only to prevent the older child from harming the younger, but also to protect the first from the inconvenience that the second may cause him.
6. Do not under any circumstances compare children with each other. This is one of the key tips on how to avoid developing excessive rivalry between toddlers. You should not set one as an example to the other: this will teach children to compete for your attention and approval and will definitely not help reduce jealousy.
7. Don't change your shared habits. If, for example, before the birth of the youngest you, for example, went with your first child to an amusement park every Sunday, you need to continue to do this in the future. The psychological reasons for this recommendation are obvious: the child should not feel that with the appearance of a newborn, his quality of life has decreased. For the same reason, you should not use the argument “we cannot buy you this because you have a younger brother / sister” if the firstborn begs for something in the store.
8. So that in the future the child is not jealous of you for the baby, in no case "push" him to the grandparents. It is normal to send the first child to stay with the older generation for a day or two, especially if this happened before the addition to the family. But deliberately sending him to grandparents for a week or even a month so that it is easier to deal with a baby is the most striking example of how to make relationships between family members difficult and poisoned with jealousy.
9. Emphasize the closeness of children. Surprisingly, most of the youngest (unlike first-borns) repeat not after their parents, but precisely after older brothers / sisters. Tell the child that the baby loves him, smiles at him, tell how in a few years it will be the first-born who will be able to teach the fool to ride a bicycle or play football. Let your child feel important and significant not only for you, but also for that screaming little bag.