Child-parent conflict. Elements in spite of

12.05.2019

The conflict between parents and children again comes into our lives, already within the framework of a family built by our own hands. How to break this vicious circle, which has firmly established itself in a whole series of generations? How, finally, can you get rid of bad conditions yourself and stop passing them on to your children?

The conflict between parents and children can deprive any family of peace and even destroy relationships for many years. A child who grows up in an atmosphere of constant conflict, becoming an adult, often moves away from his parents. Having finally received the long-awaited freedom, he does not seek to maintain relations with his parental family, perceiving it as the source of his many years of suffering. Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains how to solve and even prevent the emergence of conflicts and misunderstandings between generations. Through a deeper understanding of yourself and the reasons for the actions of loved ones.

How to run away from yourself

Alas, the attitudes laid down in childhood become part of ourselves, our psyche. Therefore, we cannot simply "escape" from the problem, moving away from the parents. We continue to carry this damage within ourselves, in our own soul.

Today, probably, everyone has heard that "all problems come from childhood." Indeed, the psychological "traumas" and "anchors" we acquired in childhood, in a sense, do not allow us to grow up for real. Unleash and fully realize your potential, abilities and talents. Build happy couples and become successful parents yourself.

This creates a vicious circle. The conflict between parents and children again comes into our lives, already within the framework of a family built by our own hands. How to break this vicious circle, which has firmly established itself in a whole series of generations? How, finally, can you get rid of bad conditions yourself and stop passing them on to your children?

Start with yourself

To sort out the accumulated heap of mutual claims between representatives of different generations, you need to find some initial point of support. And the easiest way to find it is within yourself.

Why did such an act of my mother cause me a certain reaction (resentment, anger, anger)? Why do certain characteristics or habits annoy me in my own child? The answers to any such questions lie in the structure of the human psyche.

Genetics - not "pseudoscience"? Who am I like?

Genetically, by inheritance, we can get from parents only external signs: eye color or nose shape. But the psyche of each person is arranged in its own way. As Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, it is based on eight vectors, or eight basic elements of the psyche.

Each of them gives a person a certain set of innate characteristics, properties and desires. Each person has his own set of vectors. And according to the properties of our psyche, we can radically differ from our parents, just like our children - from us.

All conflicts between parents and children are based primarily on the lack of the necessary psychological knowledge. We do not know ourselves and do not know our own children. A systematic perception of the world and people around us helps us get rid of this psychological blindness and, finally, see ourselves and others as we really are.

Parents and Children: Vector Conflicts

Here is a slow, unhurried baby in front of us. Sbiten and strong, slightly clubfoot. He fiddles slowly, putting his toys in their places. Slowly dresses and goes to the kindergarten. To carefully complete his affairs, this kid, who, according to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, needs more time than the rest.

On the threshold of impatience, his nimble mother s is already jumping up and down. “How long are you going to mess around? How long to? We'll be late again because of you! Well, you and I have a brake, can't you get ready quickly? "

Of course, without systemic knowledge, a skin mother cannot understand her baby. Her psyche is arranged exactly the opposite: she is mobile and dexterous, fast and active. Appreciates time, does not tolerate delays.

Mistakes are costly

Alas, ignorance of the laws of the structure of the psyche does not at all free us from the negative consequences of erroneous upbringing.

For example, it is no accident that an anal child is naturally assigned such slowness and thoroughness. This is the owner of an analytical mind, it is important for him that everything is carefully and "on the shelves." He strives to achieve quality. If you give such a child enough time, he will become a wonderful scientist, analyst, teacher, critic. And at school age, he will certainly be the best student in the class, because accumulating knowledge is his natural desire.

When the anal child is cut off and rushed, his psyche is unable to develop adequately. The negative consequences in this case can be as follows:

- stubbornness and negativism both in everyday matters and in educational

- constipation (as a consequence of the fact that the mother urges, "rips off the pot")

- the desire not to constructive criticism, but to humiliate and devalue the actions of other people

- aggression and self-aggression, both physical and verbal

- stuttering (in case of constant interruption of the child's actions and speech when he tries to tell about something)

- problems with digestion or heart rhythm disturbances.

Family is a complex system of different people

This is just one elementary example from the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, which clearly demonstrates the consequences of our psychological illiteracy. In fact, on the scale of one family, the situation is much more complicated.

There is not only parental conflict with the child. Relationships in a couple are also built on the basis of mutual misunderstanding. This leads to the fact that our children grow up in an atmosphere of quarrels and endless claims.

Brothers and sisters also rarely manage to learn how to build a favorable relationship with each other: in this situation, conflicts between children are almost inevitable.

A surmountable conflict: children and parents can understand each other

Thanks to the systemic perception of people, we become able to see each other as we are.

First of all, it gives us the opportunity to completely reconsider our own childhood psychotraumas, resentments against parents, our claims against them. This is of tremendous importance.

The fact is that, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, the custom to honor the father and mother arose in culture and various religions by no means accidentally. From our parents we take life itself as such. And when in our hearts we push our parents away (perhaps they were unfair or even cruel to us), then unconsciously, along with this, we reject life itself. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live it joyfully and happily.

At the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, we get an awareness of all the reasons why our parents showed themselves in one way or another. This helps us to free our hearts from claims and grievances against them.

This does not mean at all that you will welcome an alcoholic father into your home, who abandoned you in early childhood and did not appear in your life for several decades. We have the right to protect ourselves from the real harm that other people suffer, even if they are our parents.

But understanding the reasons for their actions, their motives, helps you free yourself from any negative consequences. The psyche throws off that unbearable burden that has burdened you with a heavy burden for many years. And you become able to maximally realize yourself in life and receive joy and pleasure from it.

To be happy is to grow happy

On the other hand, we get the opportunity to finally see our own children with a clear eye. To understand in detail the peculiarities of their psyche, to obtain an optimal model of upbringing. Our paired relationships also go to a completely different level of mutual understanding and spiritual closeness. Intrafamily conflicts of children with each other are leveled.

Thanks to systemic perception, the family receives a complete recovery. This is evidenced by those who have undergone training.

Build happy intergenerational relationships by gaining a systemic view of the world. Register for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-vector psychology»

The objectives of the meeting:

Help parents overcome difficulties in resolving conflict situations in the family.
Contribute to understanding the conflict situation and ways out of it.
To enable parents to use the test to complement their self-image as a parent.

Meeting form: training seminar.

Equipment: Presentation "Parents' meeting on the topic:" Conflicts with your own child and ways to resolve them ", memo for parents, cards with situations, cards for the test" The role of a parent "

Preparatory work for the meeting:

Questioning of students. (Annex 1)
Parents' questioning. (Appendix 2)
Preparing situations for analysis. (Appendix 3)
Preparation by the class teacher of theoretical material for the presentation.
Conducting a class hour on the topic “Let's talk about conflicts”.
Preparation of the "Role of a parent" test (Appendix 4)
Preparing a memo for parents. (Appendix 5)
Preparation of the presentation. (Appendix 6)

Meeting progress:(Includes presentation)

Good afternoon, dear parents! Our collection is dedicated to the topic:

"Conflicts with your own child and ways to resolve them"

Objectives of the meeting:

1. To help parents overcome difficulties in resolving conflict situations in the family.

2. Promote understanding of the conflict situation and ways out of it.

3. Provide parents with the opportunity to use the test to complement the idea of themselves as a parent.

Parents meeting agenda.

1. Presentation of the class teacher with theoretical material about the conflict.

2. Analysis of the survey of students and parents.

3. Testing among parents.

4. Analysis and solution of conflict situations.

5. Notes for parents.

I.- What is conflict? A conflict is the fear of at least one side that its interests are violated, infringed upon, ignored by the other side. Conflicts are a dispute, quarrel, scandal, in which the parties do not skimp on mutual reproaches and insults.

The worst thing about conflict is the feelings people have for each other.

Fear, anger, resentment, hatred are the main feelings of conflict.

Life is impossible without conflicts, you need to learn how to constructively resolve them.

In order to learn how to resolve a conflict situation, you need to learn to understand the scale and details of disagreements and openly discuss them. Smoothing out a conflict situation, avoiding its solution can lead to much more serious problems:

physical problems related to health;
psychological problems (withdrawal into oneself, into one's own mental pain, change character of a person, mental disorder, suicide, etc.);
social problems (loss of family, divorce, loss of job, loss of oneself).

The main ability in conflict is the ability for confrontation-explanation. This is a skill:

Defend your position openly, “face to face”;
The desire to assess the conflict situation itself, its content, and not the human qualities of your partner;
Striving to preserve the personal relationships of all parties to the conflict.

Practice shows: the majority of parents who sought psychological help for difficult children suffered from conflicts with their own parents in childhood. What's the matter here? Psychologists have discovered another important pattern. It turned out that the style and nature of parental interaction with children is involuntarily recorded ("imprinted" - say experts) in the child's psyche.

This happens very early, even in preschool age, and, as a rule, unconsciously. As an adult, a person reproduces the parental style of communication with his child as natural. This is how the communication style is inherited from generation to generation: most parents raise their children the way they were raised in childhood.

"What's so terrible about that?" - you ask. Indeed, if you are satisfied with your life, you feel like a happy person, you do not have serious problems, then you should hardly think about it. Most likely, you grew up in a harmonious family, and therefore your children are lucky.

The need for love, for belonging to another is one of the most important human needs. This means that it is important for a person to feel that someone needs him.

How does it manifest in life? The child needs you to look at him affably, he wants to hear: “It's great that we have you!”, “I love it when you are at home”, “Glad to see you”, and at the same time tenderly touched, stroked, hugged ...

Undoubtedly accepting a child means loving him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, excellent student, assistant (the list is endless), but simply because he is! Let's remember: a child especially needs signs of unconditional acceptance - as food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally. Helping to develop psychologically.

Children feel very bad without our affection, love and attention. Communicating with the child, we teach him to control his emotions. If this does not happen, then emotional problems, behavioral deviations, conflicts, and even neuropsychiatric diseases appear.

II. Analysis of the survey of students and parents.

III. Conducting the Parent Role Test

Parents are the main “designers, constructors and builders” of the child's personality. This is why it is important to know how well we are handling such a challenging role. The test will complement your self-image as a parent.

I ask a question, and you put points on the cards right away, that is, choose the answer option that immediately comes to mind, do not hesitate for a long time.

Can you (answer options: I can and always do this - 3 points;
I can, but I do not always do this - 2 points; I can't - 1 point):

- So, attention, questions:

1. At any time, leave all your business and take care of the child?

2. Consult with the child, regardless of his age?

3. To admit to the child in the mistake committed in relation to him?

4. Apologize to your child if you are wrong?

6. Put yourself in the child's shoes?

7. Believe at least for a minute that you are a good fairy (good magician)?

8. Tell your child an instructive incident from childhood that portrays you?

9. Always refrain from using words and expressions that might hurt your child?

10. Promise the child to fulfill his wish for good behavior?

11. Give your child one day when he can do what he wants, and you will not interfere in anything?

12. Not react if your child hit, pushed roughly, or just wrongly offended another child?

13. Resist childish requests and tears, if you are sure that it is a whim, fleeting whim?

Now, please, add up the scores and check the test result. You can read the result on the back of the card.

If you typed:

30 - 39 points: A child is the greatest value in your life. You strive not only to understand, but also to get to know him, treat him with respect, adhere to the most progressive principles of upbringing and a constant line of behavior. In other words, you are doing the right thing and you can hope for good results.

18 - 30 points: Caring for a child is of the utmost importance to you. You have the abilities of a teacher, but in practice you do not always apply them consistently and purposefully. Sometimes you are too strict, at other times you are too soft, in addition, you are prone to compromises that weaken the educational effect. You should seriously consider your approach to parenting.

Less than 18 points: You have serious parenting problems. You either lack the knowledge, or the desire to make the child a person, and possibly both. We advise you to seek the help of specialists - teachers and psychologists, to familiarize yourself with publications on family education.

Dear Parents! Each of you now has an idea of yourself as a parent.

IV. Analysis and solution of conflict situations.

And now, dear parents, we will analyze conflict situations. You have a card with a conflict situation on your table. For about two minutes you discuss in a group, then read out the situation and offer your solution.

(Distribute situations to groups)

Situation 1

You have received a call from close friends who want to drop by for an hour. You frantically begin to clean the apartment, cook something: but obviously you don't have time. Ask your adult son or daughter for help. In response - "these are your friends, so you deal with them"

How do you deal with this situation?

Is there a different opinion? Who thinks otherwise?

Situation 2

You come home from work and already on the stairs you hear loud music, fun in your house. You enter the apartment and see your child's friends and himself having fun. The house is a complete mess. Your child looks at you and says, “Hi! We'll have some fun! You dont mind?"

What is your solution in a similar situation?

Is there another solution to this situation?

Situation 3

You have many lessons, an essay needs to be written, but your parents are unforgiving. "Get ready, let's go to grandma's, there you will prepare for lessons and help us a little!"

No argument helps. The main argument of the parents is “we will not leave you alone. You never know what can happen ?! "

How can this situation be resolved?

Who thinks otherwise?

Situation 4

After the meeting, the parents come home and, in a rage, demand an explanation from the child. They say that with such results they will not be taken anywhere after school. The student calmly replies: "So, I will go to work."

What to do in such a situation?

Is there a different opinion?

Situation 5

Parents gave money to their child for a specific purpose. He spent them for other purposes, bought what he wanted for a long time. The parents were outraged, the child heard many angry words in his address. Finally he slammed the door and left the house.

How to deal with such a conflict?

Do you think it is possible to act differently?

Dear Parents! A conflict situation can radically change your life! Try to keep these changes for the better!

In conclusion, I would like to add that the well-known family psychologist Virginia Satir recommends hugging a child several times a day, arguing that four hugs for each of us (note - an adult too!) day!

V.- I offer you reminders, if you follow these tips, you can avoid conflict situations. (Hand out memo)

Thanks for your work. I wish you success.

Workshop "Conflicts between parents and children,

and ways to resolve them "

Target: developing the skills of parents to make an effective decision to get out of a conflict situation and ways to positively resolve conflict situations

Tasks:

1. To help parents overcome difficulties in resolving conflict situations in the family.

2. To contribute to the understanding of the conflict situation and ways out of it.

3. Introduce ways to resolve conflicts without violence. Develop the ability to anticipate the consequences of their actions.

Equipment: presentation, children's questionnaires, cards with conflict situations, reminders for parents.

Meeting progress

Educator-psychologist:

1. Introductory remarks

Dear parents, mothers and fathers!

(Slide 1.)

So, today we will talk about conflicts.

Our world today is full of contradictions and despair, at every step we are faced with the alienation of people from each other. But you and I have a family, a parental home, where they are waiting for us, remember and forgive us so that it doesn't happen to us. It is in the family that we learn love, responsibility, culture and patience. But, here's the paradox, it is in the family that conflicts most often occur.

Conflict is not a whim or a sign of bad parenting. If he declared himself, it means that someone's interests, desires, opinions collided. This is unpleasant, but not fatal. If done right, your relationship may even improve.

Educator-psychologist:

2. Main part

First of all, let's try to figure out what is conflict?

Educator-psychologist:

Exercise 1. What are your associations for the word CONFLICT? What image does your imagination tell you?

After the first round of free associations, you can ask the following questions:

* if the conflict is furniture, what kind?

* if the conflict is a dish, what kind?

* if the conflict is clothes, what kind?

2. Let's try to define this concept.

What is conflict?

(Invite parents to answer this question.)

Conflicts are a dispute, a quarrel, a scandal, in which the parties do not skimp on mutual reproaches and insults.

Conflict is a painful condition of its participants, which can lead to either reconciliation or alienation. (slide 2.)

3. What is the worst thing about a conflict?- these are the feelings that people have for each other. And the negative ones.

Fear, anger, resentment, hatred are the main feelings of conflict (slide 3.)

4. A series of questions is proposed to encourage parents to engage in pedagogical introspection:

What are the most common causes of conflict with your child?

Think back to yourself at this age. What situations most often caused conflicts in communication with your parents?

How did your parents react to them? (mother and father)?

How do you most often react in these situations?

Do you see any similarities between your actions and those of your parents? (slide 4.)

Conclusion: that in resolving conflicts, they are often subject to certain stereotypes learned in their parental families, which are not always realized (slide 5.)

5 ... Who do you think is most often the initiator of conflicts in the family? (Slide 6.)

After the parents' answers, they are invited to analyze the following situation and determine the initiator of the conflict:

Educator-psychologist:

“Four-year-old Vova sent his grandmother to hell. When the grandmother complained to her father, he was indignant:

Grandma cares about you, and you insult her! The son retorts:

But you told your mom so too! Mother intervenes:

What are you shouting at your son? You are rude, but you demand politeness from the child! " (Shuman S.G. Parental anxiety. - M., 1982 ). (slide 7)

I ask you to analyze this situation.

After that, the parents are asked the question:

Who is most often the initiator of conflicts in your family? If possible, give an example.

In the process of generalization, it is no longer difficult for the teacher to bring the parents to the final the conclusion that the conflict with children in the family is most often provoked by the pedagogical mistakes of the parents.

6. Let's find out the most common mistakes of parents: (slide 8)

Lack of understanding between adults in raising a child

Not confirming parental expectations and hopes

Projecting the child's behavior onto himself and at his age

Ignorance of his age and individual mental characteristics,

Unwillingness to admit that the child has become an adult

Fear of letting the child out of the nest, disbelief in his strength

Conflicting practice of relationships accepted in the family

All these mistakes are made by loving parents who sincerely wish their child only the best. In very conflict and asocial families, a constant source of conflict can be a negative attitude of one or both parents towards the child, their inability to empathy, rudeness, insults, cruelty.

Life is impossible without conflicts, you need to learn how to constructively resolve them and learn to positively get out of any situation, so that none of the parties is uncomfortable. We must discuss them openly.

Smoothing out the conflict situation, avoiding its solution can lead to more serious problems. Let's think together, what problems can this lead to?(Slide number 9.)

Physical problems related to health;

Psychological problems (withdrawal into oneself, into one's mental pain, change in a person's character, mental disorder, suicide, etc.);

Social problems (loss of family, divorce, loss of job, loss of oneself).

Therefore, everything is serious, and we should not drive into a corner and avoid his decision, but should cooperate with our child.

Educator-psychologist:

7. Messages to parents from children. I invite you to analyze the questionnaires of your children and draw certain conclusions about what they saw.

Task 8. Think and try to name the qualities and skills necessary for successful conflict resolution.

Parents name the qualities one by one, For example: “Ability to listen and, most importantly, to hear another”, “Composure and endurance”, “Restraint in emotions”, “Patience”, “Ability to influence another”, “Eloquence”, “Ability to put oneself in place of another ”,“ Ability to argue your position ”,“ Not verbosity ”,“ Ability to persuade ”.

Parents should remember that a conflict situation cannot be resolved by the following measures : (slide 10)

Threats, instructions, orders;

Dictating to the child a way out of the situation, which you accepted, but did not accept;

Moralizing and mentoring teachings;

Anger, irritation.

Task 9. Analysis and solution of conflict situations.

(Distribute situations to groups)

Situation 1

How do you deal with this situation?

Is there a different opinion? Who thinks otherwise?

Situation 2

What to do in such a situation?

Is there a different opinion?

Situation 3

How to deal with such a conflict?

Do you think it is possible to act differently?

Situation 4. The family is sitting in front of the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own. For example, the son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is in the mood for another episode of a foreign film. A dispute flares up: mom can't miss the episode, she “waited all day”; the son cannot refuse the match in any way "he waited for him even longer!"

Situation 5. Mom is in a hurry to finish the preparations for the reception. Suddenly it is discovered that there is no bread in the house. She asks her daughter to go to the store. But that sports section will start soon, and she does not want to be late. Mom asks to "enter into her position," the daughter does the same. One insists, the other does not concede. Passions are running high ...

10... Presentation to parents of an action algorithm for optimal conflict resolution (theoretical part).

Of course, each conflict is unique and inimitable, and in resolving it, it is necessary to take into account the entire spectrum of existing relations, the individual characteristics of its participants. But, nevertheless, in pedagogy and psychology, a certain generalized algorithm of actions has been developed for the optimal resolution of the conflict.

As an example, consider the following situation familiar to many parents: a child has a mess in the room, and the parents insist on cleaning. A conflict arises, since the interests of the parties are in conflict. Mom's interest: the desire to bring up in the child the desire for order and get rid of the feeling of awkwardness in front of the guests. The child's interest: the desire to avoid uninteresting activities, the conviction that "everything is fine anyway."

Step 1. Detection and clarification of the conflict situation.(Slide 11.)

Purpose: to involve the child in the process of solving the problem. It is necessary to clearly and concisely inform the child that there is a problem that needs a solution. Make it clear that the child's cooperation is necessary.

Educator-psychologist:“I feel ashamed whenever our guests and yours see a mess in this room. I am afraid that cockroaches can start from the remnants of food. Let's discuss it. "

Educator-psychologist:

Important!!! First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes him difficult, etc.

He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he speaks about his desire or problem using the form "I-message". Replace all You are utterances on the

I am utterances(competent expression of your dissatisfaction) Tell your child how you feel about this situation:

I'm worried when I hear this "

"I'm disappointed this "

"I'm so worried for you"

« I am very tired loud music" (slide 12)

You - statements are perceived by the child as accusation, criticism, threat.

I - messages represent an opportunity for children to get to know us better, to know our feelings and the cause of our irritation.

11. Practical work:

Let's practice with you and try to learn how to paraphrase our You-statements and replace them with I-statements.

Distribute to parents you - sayings:

You never listen to me (When I see that you are not listening to me, I feel uncomfortable, because I say quite important things. Please be more attentive to what I say);

That you are talking all the time in parallel with me? (I find it difficult to speak when someone else is talking at the same time as me. If you have a question - ask it. Perhaps if you listen to me carefully, then you will have fewer questions later.

You're always rude! (When you talk to me incorrectly, I get annoyed and don't want to talk to you anymore. In my opinion, you can be more respectful towards me. In turn, I will try to be more patient.)

You always behave badly! (I am offended by this behavior. You know how to be different, so please be restrained next time).

You always take my things off the table without asking! (I am not pleased when things are taken without asking. First, ask me if it is possible to do this.

You are such a slob! (I don't like it when children walk around disheveled, and I'm ashamed of the neighbors' looks)

Could you turn the music down? (I am very tired of loud music)

Educator-psychologist:

Step 2. Development of possible alternative solutions.(Slide 13.)

Objective: to collect as many solutions as possible. There is an opportunity to find out the decisions of the children (you can add your own later) without evaluating or belittling them. Insist on putting forward as many alternatives as possible. "Guests no longer come to you, and the door to the room is always closed"; “Once a week there is a big cleaning, in which you definitely take part”; “I get a reward every time I clean up”; “I receive as a gift a washing vacuum cleaner and other necessary items, as well as the right to clean up to any loud music”; “I only eat in the kitchen, and clean up before the guests come.”

Step 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most acceptable one.(Slide 14.)

Purpose: to activate the child to speak out about various solutions. You can invite the child to speak about the collected proposals, to communicate their feelings and interests. “I like the options for cleaning together or cleaning up before guests arrive. It's good that friends like to come to you, and it's especially nice to invite them into a clean room. We will be able to discuss the purchase of a vacuum cleaner after the first successes. And what do you think?"

Choosing the Most Acceptable Solution.

Purpose: to make the final decision. At this stage, the obligations of both parties to implement the decision are stipulated. If the decision consists of several points, you can fix it in writing. Parents do not clean the teenager's room and are not responsible for the possible consequences: lost things, dirty and wrinkled clothes, etc., since the teenager's room is his territory. Different families have different solutions.

Step 4. Development of ways to implement the solution and verification. (Slide 15.)

Purpose: to plan the process of implementing the decision made. Questions about the beginning of the implementation of the decision, about checking the quality of the work performed, when it comes to household duties, etc. are brought up for discussion.

Monitoring and evaluation of results.

Purpose: to facilitate the implementation of the solution. As the decision is implemented, ask the child about the results of the decision, communicate his thoughts and feelings. Reconsideration or change of decision is possible.

Of course, not all conflicts require the use of all the points described for their solution. When building a relationship with your child, it is important to have the ability to listen, respond and explore alternatives.

This method leaves no one feeling defeated. On the contrary, he invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

Educator-psychologist:

Children feel very bad without our affection, love and attention.

It is, of course, important to accept the child.- it means to love him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, excellent student, assistant (the list can be continued endlessly), but simply because he is! Let's remember: a child especially needs signs of unconditional acceptance - as food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally. Helping to develop psychologically.

The first question that an adult must decide when solving a problem is the question of whose problem it is. Too often, adults assume that all of children's problems are also their problems. This is wrong and even harmful for the child - he is deprived of the opportunity to try his hand. The child has the right to find solutions himself. And if the problem belongs to the child, then the adult can choose what to do: listen carefully, look for alternatives, give the child the opportunity to face the consequences of his independence or combine the above. The more often parents show a willingness to cooperate, the more likely it is that the child will behave in a similar way in other situations and with other people.

In memory of our meeting with you, I want to give reminders for parents, in which you will find a lot of useful information about upbringing, the ability to get out of conflict situations. I would like to end our meeting with the words of Omar Khayyam.

Don't get angry with others and don't get angry yourself

We are guests in this mortal world

And if something goes wrong, put up with it,

Be smarter and smile.

With a cold head

After all, everything in the world is natural

The evil you radiated

He will certainly come back to you.

Material prepared by:

educational psychologist

Novitskaya A.N.

This type of conflict is one of the most common in everyday life. However, it is, to a certain extent, bypassed by the attention of specialists - psychologists and educators. We do not consider the problem of generational conflict, which is much broader and actively developed by sociologists. Of the more than 700 psychological and pedagogical works on the problem of conflict, it is unlikely that there will be a dozen or two publications focusing on the problem of conflicts between parents and children. It is usually studied in the context of broader research; family relations (V. Schumann), age crises (I. Kon), the influence of marital conflicts on the development of children (A. Ushatikov, A. Spivakovskaya), etc. However, it is impossible to find a family where there are no conflicts between parents and children. Even in prosperous families, in more than 30% of cases, there are conflicting relationships (from the point of view of a teenager) with both parents (I. Gorkova).

Why do conflicts arise between parents and children? In addition to the general reasons that produce the conflict in the relationship of people, which are considered above, there are psycho logical factors of conflict in the interaction of parents and children.
1. Type of intrafamily relations. Allocate harmonious and disharmonious types of family relationships. In a harmonious family, a mobile balance is established, which manifests itself in the design of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.
Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflicting interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.
2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features of destructive types of upbringing are distinguished:
disagreements between family members on education issues;
inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's life; t increased requirements for children, frequent use of threats, convictions.
3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of increased conflict. An age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of childhood development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. The following age-related crises of children are distinguished:
first year crisis (transition from infancy to early childhood);
crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
crisis of 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
puberty crisis (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years);
teenage crisis 15-17 years old (D. Elkonin).
4. The personal factor. Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, there is a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children, such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. are called. Thus, the considered conflicts can be presented as a result of mistakes of parents and children.

There are the following types of parent-child relationships:
the optimal type of relationship between parents and children; this cannot be called a need, but parents delve into the interests of children, and children share their thoughts with them;
rather, parents delve into the concerns of their children than children share with them (mutual discontent arises);
rather, children feel a desire to share with their parents than they delve into the concerns, interests and activities of children;
the behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in semes, and at the same time the parents are more likely to be right;
the behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, children are more likely to be right;
parents do not delve into the interests of children, and children do not feel like sharing with them (contradictions were not noticed by the parents and grew into conflicts, mutual alienation - S. Godnik).

Most often, conflicts between parents arise with adolescent children. Psychologists distinguish the following types of conflicts between adolescents and parents: conflict of instability of parental attitudes (constant change of criteria for evaluating a child); conflict of over-concern (over-care and over-looking); conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control); conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own interests in a conflict at any cost).

Usually, the child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of the parents with such reactions (strategies) as:
opposition reaction (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
refusal reaction (disobedience to the parents' requirements);
isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information and actions).

Based on this, the main areas of prevention of conflicts between parents and children may be as follows:
1. Raising the pedagogical culture of parents, allowing to take into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.
2. Organizing a family on a collective basis. Common perspectives, certain job responsibilities, traditions of mutual assistance, joint hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving conflicts that arise.
3. Reinforcement of verbal demands by the circumstances of the educational process.
4. Interest in the inner world of children, their concerns and hobbies.

According to psychologists (D. Lashley, A. Royak, T. Yuferova, S. Yakobson), the following can contribute to the constructive behavior of parents in conflicts with young children:
always remember about the individuality of the child;
take into account that each new situation requires a new solution;
try to understand the requirements of a small child;
remember that change takes time;
to perceive contradictions as factors of normal development; show constancy in relation to the child; more often offer a choice of several alternatives; approve of various options for constructive behavior; jointly seek a way out by changing the situation; to decrease the number “cannot” and increase the number “you can”; to apply punishments to a limited extent, while respecting their fairness and necessity;
to give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds;
to logically explain the possibilities of negative consequences; expand the range of moral, not material incentives; use a positive example from other children and parents; take into account the ease of switching attention in young children.

Child-parent conflicts Is one of the most common categories of conflict in our time. This type of conflict is present even in prosperous families and is a contradiction in the relationship between children and parents.

Basically reasons the occurrence of conflicts between parents and children are personal and psychological factors present in the relationship between parents and children.

Intra-family relationships are divided into two main types:

- harmonious type of relationship (predominance of balanced relationships, rational division of psychological roles within the family, the ability to resolve emerging contradictions);

- disharmonious type of relationship (negatively colored relations between spouses lead to conflict interaction between spouses, the latter can cause negative emotions and anxiety in children; respect for parents is lost, psychological roles are violated, tension increases).

The disharmonious type of intrafamily relationships leads to conflicts between parents and children and projects destructive way of education .

Features of destructive education:

- excessive prohibitions for children in important spheres of life;

- the use of threats in the requirements for children;

- condemnation of the child's wrong actions in return for rewards and praise for achievements and successes;

- inconsistency and contradictory actions of parents;

- the discrepancy between the views of parents in matters of upbringing.

The reasons for child-parental conflicts can be inadequate reaction of parents to age crises of children (crisis of 1 year, crisis of 6–7 years, crisis of puberty, etc.).

Age crises

- the transitional periods of the child's development, cause increased irritability in the child. Aggressive behavior of children, a negative attitude towards previously acceptable requirements are the reasons for conflict interaction. The task of parents and children is to smooth out relations during this period, a mutual desire to make compromises.

Types of conflicts between parents and adolescents:

1) the conflict of instability of the parental assessment of the child;

2) conflict when the child's independence bar is lowered, excessive control;

3) the conflict of over-concern;

The conflict in the relationships and actions of the parents causes a special reaction in children, which is expressed in different styles of the child's behavior:

- demonstration of negative attitude, opposition on all issues;

- disobedience to the requirements;

- avoiding communication with parents, hiding information about yourself and your actions.

The concept and functions of social conflict

Social conflict- This is a conflict of large social groups that arose on the basis of social contradiction. In the modern world, there is an exacerbation and increase in the number of social contradictions, which leads to an increase in conflict in society.

Definition of social conflict Babosova reflects the modern specifics of social contradictions: “ Social conflict- an extreme case of exacerbation of social contradictions, expressed in the collision of social communities ”. The communities that the Russian conflictologist is talking about here are not only national and ethnic groups, states, classes of society, but also social institutions that exist in society at this stage of development. Social contradictions result from different goals pursued by institutions or social groups, as well as the mismatch of interests and values supported by social communities. Each social conflict is limited by its specific situation (reasons, duration, area of action, intensity), therefore, it requires a solution to the problem in it. It is impossible to combine all social conflicts.

A significantly different definition of social conflict can be found in Zaprudsky : « Social conflict- this is an explicit or latent state of confrontation, objectively diverging interests, goals of social subjects. " The causes of social conflict remain the same, the forms of conflict and the ways of demonstrating the interests of social communities are changing. Have Zaprudsky interests are expressed by the social attitude of a particular community to the existing order in society, the distribution of social forces and the expression of general trends (social action). The social forces that participate in the conflict do not always reflect the tendencies of their development in a conflictual way or in a way of open struggle. Preservation of their positions and interests can already lead to a new "social unity". Therefore, social conflict is also the formation of a new order in the system of social relations.

The functions of social conflict were studied in detail L. Coser, defining their specificity for a closed and open type of society.

Social conflicts can serve two main functions:

1) negative (destructive);

2) positive (constructive).

The theory of social conflict has been influenced by some psychologists who have studied conflicts between large social groups (for example, D. Campbell and his theory of realistic group conflict, L. Berkovitz, D. Turner).