How not to mess up: typical mistakes of women in marriage that lead to divorce. The most common female mistakes in marriage

Sometimes men in marriage make fatal mistakes that can spoil any marital relationship. The typical person, of course, makes them infrequently. But this happens from time to time. It happens that we are talking about such subtle things that a man does not even know what exactly he is doing wrong. If you change these habits, then you have every chance to see how your spouse's attitude towards you changes for the better as well as it is possible for you.

If a man admits his mistakes and makes efforts to correct them, this will not only save the marital relationship, but also your health, as well as the health of your spouse. Otherwise, negative feelings that are suppressed can lead to physical and psychological problems, psychologists working in the field of family relations say. According to them, the stress experienced by each partner in a marital relationship, by the time people seek treatment, leads to one or both partners being in a state of chronic anxiety or depression. We provide a list of the most common male mistakes that can ruin a marriage relationship. All you need to do is analyze your behavior, understand whether you commit them or not, and also try to correct common mistakes if you do make them.

Married man does not show empathy

Psychologist Albert Maslow, Ph.D., says that empathy — the ability to recognize other people's feelings and share your own — is the most important part of any relationship, including marriage. This is exactly what women always do better than men. At the same time, women want their feelings to be understood, and they also want to see a man who is also not afraid of his feelings. This should be considered by a married man if he wants his family life to last long and be happy. However, instead of actively listening to their companion, and when it is necessary to empathize with her, many husbands will prefer going to a fitness club than this type of communication. And this is a mistake. “If your wife tells you that she feels like you are ignoring her, it means that she is not talking about any specific facts, but that you cannot empathize with her,” warns Dr. Maslow.

Independent decision on large expenses

A man in marriage often unconsciously assumes a leadership position and behaves accordingly. In most cases, this is good, but there are options when it is worth discussing your actions with your wife. For example, upcoming major purchases like a car. If women are to be believed, the cost decisions that a man makes on his own in a marriage are second only to infidelity. So men have something to think about, since in many aspects marital relations are a joint management, including family finances.

Sexual selfishness or ignorance

Married men often forget that wives need a lot more in the bedroom than they do for them. “Attachment makes a woman feel loved and needed. Emotions are the basis for a woman on which intimate relationships are built, says Maslow. “Older people begin to understand this with age, but young people do not take this moment into account at all.” A woman's preparation for sex begins long before the lights go out in the bedroom, but men perceive sex more from a biological point of view, forgetting that a woman needs a certain emotional state to make love even with her own husband. And this is also a mistake.

A married man does not know how to listen to his wife

“Listen” does not mean nodding your head in certain places when a spouse is trying to tell her husband what exactly is bothering her. Psychologists also say that the male brain is designed in such a way that a man immediately begins to analyze the situation that he is told about, look for a way out of it and voice options for solutions. This approach is guaranteed to make your wife furious. Sometimes a woman just wants to be listened to, actively participating in the conversation, not trying to be a hero and saving the world on demand, but simply showing interest in what she says and understanding what emotions she is experiencing "here and now." The mistake in marriage is to remain a passive listener. You must learn to actively listen to your other half if you want to have a normal marital relationship.

A man hides his feelings

It is very important for a woman to be able to talk about her feelings. In marriage, nothing prevents men from doing the same. Many men, on the contrary, consider it their duty to hide their feelings, since any manifestation of feelings is regarded by them as weakness.

“If you don’t share your emotions with your partner, then you can be perceived by your wife as a real loser,” says Maslow. “If the close emotional connection between husband and wife disappears, the woman feels abandoned and angry for this, first of all, at her husband.” Maslow admits that for many people, being open, not afraid to show their own feelings is quite difficult. At the same time, the psychologist recognizes that openness is also a sign of strength. “Growing up, a person realizes that he cannot let others know what he is afraid of, so openness in feelings requires courage.”

A man in marriage occupies a “position of power”

Many people do not like to take responsibility. At the same time, they try to get what they want, trying only to dominate. But the “power position” that a man often takes in marriage is just as much of a fallacy as the others discussed above. Marriage should be mutual, people should be able to provide each other with support and care. Our best selves emerge in the context of relationships with other people, not as an independent entity.

Denial of responsibility : The information provided in this article about relationships in marriage and typical male mistakes is for informational purposes only.

Once, while attending a seminar on the course “Marriage and Family”, I heard a phrase that caressed the female ear. I won’t remember it verbatim, but I’ll try to convey the essence. The fact is that before marriage, a man is like a customer in a flower shop. They sell him seeds, but what he grows from them, he will live with. In other words, it depends only on him whether there will be a fragrant rose next to him, or a cactus blooming once a year. As I remember now the burning eyes of the girls, they say, now you understand that we are not to blame for anything. A similar expression exists on the Internet: “In every girl, three personalities sleep: a witch, a bitch and a princess. The one you wake up with is the one you live with.”

Of course, such a humorous description of marital relations, as it were, relieves women of some responsibility for family life. And you can always say: “You watered me badly” or “Woke up the wrong one.” And speaking seriously, more and more often, especially in modern society, the worldview is gaining popularity, where women have rights, and men have only duties.

All this leads to the fact that relations between people are destroyed by them. Women expect obedience and action from men. And men expect understanding, and to be “left alone”. So let's look at the other side of the coin by looking at the first four mistakes a wife makes in marriage.

Mistake 1 - Complete control

It is rare that a wife will tell her husband that she will take care of everything herself, that she is in control of problems and is always ready to solve them. All a woman wants to control is her man's life. And from that moment on, marriage begins to turn into a talk-shock “Who? Where? Where? And with whom?". And if we add our inquisitive female mind and boundless imagination here, we get an explosive mixture that gradually kills relationships. Constant calls “Where are you?”, interrogations with an addiction “Who was it?”, Checking the phone and pages on social networks, etc. will lead to the fact that the husband's patience will burst, and he will begin to live according to the plan that his wife has so diligently prepared for him. In addition, we, dear ladies, should remember the boundlessness of our imagination, which, with a proper diet, from our distrust develops into real paranoia.

Let me give you an example from my personal life. Even before marriage, my future husband and I liked to communicate through the network. It was sweet "talk" about nothing. I still remember how I scribbled phrase after phrase without stopping. And if the time passed between our dialogues in 5 seconds, I was already boiling from the inside, thinking that he didn’t care about me, and what could he be doing there if I was here. Even now, after four years of living together, I sometimes get carried away, and I start shooting him with the phrases: “Where are you”, “When will you be”, “Five minutes have passed, but you haven’t yet!” etc. Familiar?

Annoying our partner with our excessive presence, we sort of carefully straighten his tie, at the same time tightening it tighter and tighter. As a result, it seems to be neat, but the poor man can no longer breathe.

Dear men. As the Bible says, do not give a reason to those who seek a reason (2 Corinthians 11:12a). Remember that first of all your wives are worried about you. And we, dear women, want to say one thing - it is important to remember that love is God's blessing, which includes respect and trust in each other. And true trust is not the absence of secrets, but when their presence does not bother you. And in order to restore trust between each other, first of all, you need to learn to trust God. “Blessed is the man who puts his hope in the Lord” (Ps. 39:5).

Mistake 2 - I will do everything myself

I think this phrase can be divided into several tidbits. Firstly, she personifies female impatience. When I ask my husband to do something around the house, I most often listen to a pre-rehearsed “now”. And when this "now" lasts more than a minute, my patience comes to an end. And then either grumbling about his indifference to what is happening begins, or, which happens most often, I just wave my hand at him and do everything myself. And he gets so used to it that he does not try to change everything. Thus, we, dear women, ourselves turn our husbands into “tumblers on the couch”. In my family, it's a constant war to take out the garbage. And I, honestly, fail more often, but I could just suffer for a few minutes.

Secondly, with this expression we morally kill our husband as a man, emphasizing his failure. Especially when it comes to men's household chores. And instead of showing a little patience and wisdom, the wife becomes a sawing machine that turns household trifles into global quarrels. Often with phrases such as “What kind of man are you if….” or “you are a man, so follow”, we do not motivate him to action, but on the contrary, we provoke a kind of protest action. And our control shot - as you did, it would be better if I myself. “Well, if you think so,” says the husband, “Here you are, get it, sign it.” The critical point in this case is the situation when “I myself” is gaining public popularity. That is, instead of agreeing with the spouse on a family life, where everyone should fulfill their duties and help each other, we only post on Twitter, what “my husband is an ayayak, I have to do everything myself.”

The more we push our husbands, the further our requests bounce back from them. Probably here it is more appropriate to say “like peas against the wall”. Everyone must fulfill their duties, and everything else is a search for a reason to quarrel. Wives should not forget that they are women first. And the strength of any woman is in her weakness. Allow yourself to be weak, thereby emphasizing the strength of your husband, his indispensability even in such trifles as unscrewing the lid on a jar. And don't forget to praise your husbands for any help. After all, compliments are loved by both parties. And every woman's request should carry the meaning of the biblical words: "Opens her mouth with wisdom, and gentle instruction in her tongue" (Pr.31:26).

Mistake 3 - Don't come near me, I'm offended

Here, most likely, I want to emphasize our feminine trait to keep silent about our desires, needs and discontents. Let him figure it out himself. And don't guess... It is due to the fact that a man and a woman look at things differently, and conflicts occur in the family. Often, the actions of a man do not carry an aggressive attitude in order to offend us. The man is a practitioner. He sees, feels and acts at the level of the mind. And we, women, are at the level of feelings. Although this truth has long been known, it is still not accepted by many couples.

God gave us speech to use it for the good of one another. I think we should learn to express our feelings, and it's not just about love. You have to be able to talk about hurt. Precisely to speak, not to declare a cold war. And even more so, do not manipulate intimacy. In this case, it is important to remember that the bedroom is not a battlefield. Denying a husband the intimacy of his wife provokes him to commit adultery (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).

Following the tastes of our emotions and giving rise to a “silent war”, we, women, want the unconditional surrender of the husband with all the ticks. But at the same time, we forget that our husband, it turns out, is also a person. He has his own needs, feelings, attitudes, and he can also be offended by many of our words and actions. Before you express your reproaches and claims, or defiantly and eloquently be silent, think about his feelings. His feelings are also important, only our husbands seem to have no right to be offended.

My mother, instructing me at the beginning of family life, said: “In a quarrel, you can break all the dishes, but leave one plate to serve your husband a hot dinner.” No matter what happens, you can always find a way out (Prov. 15:1).

Mistake 4 - I'm a hysteric

Many girls, having successfully practiced this while unmarried, drag their hysterical state into marriage. By tantrum, I mean tears for any reason and violent scandalous scenes that women love to throw. Thus, we are trying to prove our case, to attract attention to ourselves, or to get what we want. But such a strange method of influencing men, as for me, has its pitfalls.

I will describe the following situation. There is a quarrel between husband and wife. The reasons are not as important as the subsequent actions are interesting. In most cases, the wife goes to the kitchen to sob, and the husband is left to pace nervously around the room. Having exhausted her tear supply, the woman waits for her husband, who must come and apologize. And even while waiting, she chooses a pose that will better convey the depth of her resentment. But nothing happens. And this gives rise to a new wave of discontent and thoughts such as “he does not love me”, “an insensitive egoist”, and so on.

But in fact, a man has long lost sensitivity to women's tears. When this happens often, he simply gets bored with tantrums and does not react to them. At least not in the way we expect. We women are extremely emotional. And this is what we need to accept first of all. Why not let off steam first (not on your husband), and only then continue to communicate? Remember, Scripture says, "My tongue is my enemy." And we ourselves often complicate our relationship with our husbands only because we consider tears and screams to be a forceful method of influence. Don't dig a hole for yourself.

Output

Of course, the list of women's mistakes can be made endless. But which one of us is perfect? In the family, as it was conceived by God, there is no place for anger, hatred, reproaches and mistrust. Finally, if you have forgotten the definition of love, then read 1 Cor. 13:4-8 - what is not an instruction for ideal family relationships? And if a man is personified as a gardener, then the task of a woman, as a wife, is not to cause allergies in him in the future. Love and take care of each other. Why else would you get married?

© "Word of Encouragement", with full or partial copying of the material, reference to the source is required.

There is such a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love lasts forever. However, no one builds houses like this, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that.

I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't do couples counseling? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he does not expect anything else from a psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman. He won't react to a psychologist like that. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man's attitude towards her changes.

In this article, 7 of the most common mistakes that I had to deal with.

Mistake #1: You read a lot of moralizing

The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talk on the part of a woman. And it's not just chatter. This is when, instead of explaining the reason for her sadness, she says: “I will explain to you the right way! I know! You don’t know, you don’t at all ... ”She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car, at a moment when he can’t even get out of it. And he continues all the way to take out his brain on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.

Mistake No. 2: You are thrown from one extreme to another

Women have another common mistake. They constantly fall into extremes - "always available" or "absolutely inaccessible." There are 2 points:

1. When a woman is available to her partner for intimacy, regardless of his behavior, she loses value both for herself and for her partner.

2. When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or "mother" in the family, sexual attraction to her disappears. Because in a man's head, "mom" and "sex" are two different things. "Mom" is for love, and for sex you need to look for another woman.

A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. Together, we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to be flexible. Mom cannot be flexible, as she constantly worries about something and must be correct. And a girl can't be flexible just because she's stupid.

When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And learns to find the tools to come to this state.

Women are waiting for a man to come who will do something and it will be good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill basic needs on our own. And, if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, discontent will grow. Although, it would seem, she is doing the right thing, and the man is doing what they write in the magazines. But she doesn't feel. And this is what causes people to break up.

Mistake #3: You hit a tiger with a slipper

A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. She constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never make money”, “When will you make a decision?”. And bringing information to him from such a position will eventually make him a “cat” who does not want to come to her.

I have such an allegory when we take a tiger and beat it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and not a tiger. I invite women to say phrases such as "You know, I'm sad", "You know, I'm very upset because I explained to you how important this is for me, in the hope that you will understand me." Thus, a woman gives a man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women are waiting for responsibility. He is an absolutely comfortable creature who does not really like extra responsibility. And it is much easier for a representative of the strong half of humanity to make a woman feel comfortable than to be responsible for the fact that she is sad later.

Mistake #4: You don't realize what happiness is

I have been working for 15 years and for a long time did not understand why girls with completely different statuses, age, experience and upbringing make the same mistakes. And what did I understand? That the responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of feeling happy, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl enters life, she does not know what a state of happiness is. She knows the status of fragmentary rewards for good grades, good behavior, or whatever. And so she goes into life, not knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happiness.

The main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is. And, if a woman brings up and cultivates in herself a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems at once.

Mistake #5: You don't nurture affection in your kids.

My friend has a daughter who is 3 years old. When she approaches him, she immediately shows affection. By and large, nature shows a model of a girl's behavior. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age? Why, when you start to communicate with a girl, you have to wait so long for her to cling to you? When women were children, they did it unconsciously. Why do they need to be taught this again?

This is anxiety. Previous relationship experience. When the girl was deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need it? Will he push me away?"

When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no way out to be bad. It's the same with our children. First, you must always accept their feelings. If your daughter is crying, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense. I must say that you would also cry in her place. You have to be patient. One of the tools is to let the child know that there is nothing wrong with him. You need to say: "In any situation, I am with you." And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. A lot of people say: “I am in any situation with you, but listen, when I was at your age ...” And it begins ...

Mistake #6: You don't let the man talk.

A man must learn to speak. When he doesn't talk, the woman feels unwanted. The problem is that they make plans alone and do not discuss them with a woman. If he says: “Today I work in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman will gladly support him. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, then he loves her. But the woman does not understand this. Women ask: “How can I understand that he looks at me a little, comes late and sleeps in another room?” When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I'm with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I'm tired. Prepare this dish for me." And she will be happy.

How to convey to men that you need it?

The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up the whole picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. When a woman does something and asks a man: “Well, how?”, An explosion occurs in his head. He thinks that if he says now and does not hit, there will be a scandal.

There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, such as asking you where his shirt is, or asking you to make tea, you tell him the following: “Three important words for me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 affectionate words, and you will have the best tea in the world.” A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later he will use this tool on his own.

Mistake #7: You are not aware of your beauty

Why is it that a woman, when she goes out, spends hours in front of a mirror and wants to look a little better for strangers, but does not find time to look good at home for her man? This is because the woman is worried about public opinion. Her man is already there. It is much more important for her that it is not her husband who will say something wonderful, but someone else will tell her husband about what a beautiful wife he has.

This is not a very healthy attitude, and it needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a job for a woman for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. Under no circumstances should you launch yourself.

Simple techniques for being happy:

Think: “What pleasure will I give myself today?”

Walk 4 kilometers a day on foot. It should not be “here 500 meters now, 500 meters later”. You need to walk 4 kilometers at once.

Drink water! Flush depression out of your body.

Say to yourself: “I approve of myself!” As often as possible.

In short: do what you love in the morning. And the day will start well.

And there is another good piece of advice: do nothing once a week. Nothing at all. You can’t make your bed, eat yogurt, go to the fitness room, and so on. This is a very important procedure.

Like many, I traveled to Tibet to find answers about happiness. Did not find. It was cold, hungry and scary. I was there for three weeks, and once a week I had the opportunity to ask a question to the sage monk. My secret to happiness is that there are no guarantees. The world is unstable. Everything can change at any moment. And if I don’t take the maximum today, then tomorrow I may regret it.

Hello dear blog readers! What kind mistakes commits female after marriage? And as a result, these are emerging family problems. In this article, we will talk about real families when marriages are made in heaven. Love, this wonderful feeling, is the basis for such an important decision as a wedding.

And not a hard calculation or a desire to please parents.After this joyful and such a long-awaited event, ordinary life begins. What does a woman do that makes love fade into the background? And even destroy your marriage?

This, of course, is the worst option, it is better not to think about it.

The first danger, she lies in wait for a man, which he does not even suspect. After the birth of a child, his beloved wife turns into a mother.

What is so terrible about this? Because it's so wonderful!

Therefore, do not forget about your husband, do not push him into the background, letting him know about it. Still, it is the man who is the head of the family, at least he should think so. And you be wise and never take him out of this delusion.

The second reason why marriages break up is precisely the desire of a woman to become the main one. What is it expressed in?

She gradually begins to take the lead, which is completely unjustified. This approach is possible only in a single case: you got an infantile man as your husband. What kind of fruit is it and how does it behave - be sure to read this curious information.

The wife begins to somehow imperceptibly speak in raised tones, giving orders to her husband. Gradually, everyone in such a family gets used to the fact that the mother is in charge, they have to silently obey. If you are a choleric temperament type, then this is understandable. And your husband is most likely phlegmatic. He will obey and agree, although not very willingly. It’s easier for him, because he’s such a calm and completely non-conflict person. The main thing - do not go too far, so that one fine (terrible) day he simply does not give a tear.

If your man is sanguine or melancholic, and you put pressure on him, then very serious conflicts will begin. They will argue with you, prove that you are wrong, and all this can end badly.

If your husband is a choleric, and you try to command him, then the conflict will flare up instantly, and all the neighbors will hear the sounds of your quarrel. A person with such a temperament is an unconditional leader, he must be managed on the sly so that he does not even guess what is happening. But this is already an art.

When a wife begins to take full responsibility for the family, believing that she got a useless husband, he often looks for a way out at the bottom of the bottle. After all, no one respects him, his wife speaks out quite unambiguously and not flatteringly, and even in the presence of strangers or children. For some reason, it is alcoholic drinks that give the illusion that this is not so.

The illusion quickly passes, but the addiction remains, while the woman again suffers. Therefore, it is better to praise the husband, and not to criticize.

It becomes especially difficult for a man at the age of 35, when a psychological crisis sets in.

Try in every possible way to show your husband that he is in charge, that everyone loves him and appreciates his opinion. As soon as you start raising your voice, you immediately turn into his understanding of the boss, who must be hated. Love gradually evaporates forever. And you, having seized leadership in the family, lose much more than what you gain.

The third thing a woman does wrong is that she really wants to remake her husband. This is a complete waste of time and energy. Because you can't change a person. The character and education received will make all your attempts completely useless.

Try to remake yourself as an example, and you will immediately understand that this is impossible. If you are sanguine and love to talk a lot on the phone, do not call anyone you know for at least three days. Yes, you will go crazy!

Do you like to sleep long because you are a night owl? Get up with the first rays of the sun to redo all the work. You will begin to curse your life on the very first day of the experiment. Because early in the morning you never have strength, because a surge of energy falls just at night.

So is your husband. He will strongly disagree to change his habits. The only thing you can do is to teach him to order. It is no secret that any girl who dreams of marrying a prince discovers after the wedding that he is not a prince at all, but some kind of Neanderthal who constantly scatters his dirty things around the apartment, constantly demands food and sex.

With perseverance, you can correct some of the husband’s shortcomings regarding order. Although the most accurate people are phlegmatic, sort of clean. With them, the wife rarely has problems.

If your husband used to go to football or go fishing, do not try to change his habits and forbid him from meeting friends. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to make adjustments to his behavior, but don’t make it too obvious to avoid a quarrel.

Go with him, so at least you'll know what he's up to and have a good time.

The fourth thing that should never be done is to constantly criticize a man.

It's no secret that a lot of women do just that. And then they begin to wonder how it happened that the husband stopped responding to their feelings?

If your husband constantly hears dissatisfied remarks from you, then this will not end well. Well, two times, and then on the case, you can make a remark, but no more.

Why? The answer is simple: any man does not make any critical remarks in his address and instantly stalls if you tell him something unflattering for him.

You begin to criticize him, trying to achieve changes, but he doesn’t hear you, and even gets angry for your, sorry, stupidity.

He sincerely does not understand what you do not like, because he is absolutely satisfied with himself.

Read an article about male logic, and you will understand everything.

The exception is the husband, who, by type of character, is a melancholic. Melancholics are very special people prone to perfectionism.

And your criticism will be answered quite caustically and caustically, so that you will feel that you have been cleverly dipped face in the dirt. You will definitely be reminded that you are not perfect at cooking, your house is not too clean, and walking around without your hair is ugly.

Not necessarily you will hear exactly this in your address, but you probably understand the essence.

Endless criticism can kill any good relationship and stifle love at the everyday level.

When a man is criticized, he feels unwanted in the family and becomes unhappy. And then, of course, it will make you unhappy too.

Try to praise your husband as often as possible, any occasion will do. Try doing this for a few days in a row and see what changes. The main thing is not to praise just like that, from scratch, be sure to find a suitable reason.

The fifth mistake a woman makes.

After some time in family life, some cooling of feelings may occur. And instead of sitting down with her husband and having a heart-to-heart talk in order to pull out the problem and fight for her love, the wife begins to be interested exclusively in money.

The husband brings home a salary and realizes that no one is interested in him anymore, because his wife only needs money from him. She stopped paying attention to him, she is not interested in him at all, she does not ask about anything. But with her friends, she chatters incessantly about everything in a row.