What to do if it hits. My wife beats me: the cost of emancipation or bad education

Husbands who raise their hands against their wives can be divided into two types. The first includes those who accumulate aggression during a scandal with their other half, and then, having reached the boiling point, attack the wife to vent the negativity. For such husbands, domestic assault becomes a habit. It becomes as mundane as drinking coffee in the morning.

The second type of beating husband is less common, but it is the most dangerous. Unlike the first type, this category does not need high-profile scandals at all in order to raise a hand against his wife. These husbands outwardly look completely calm, but at the same time they can show aggression at any moment, and even with the use of some objects: a hammer, a chair, a knife. Such people have serious mental disorders, and living with them means putting your life in danger.

Most often, assault is carried out by those men who have not achieved anything in their lives. Due to the manifestation of violence against a loved one, they try to gain power at least over something.

What to do with a violent husband

In order to cope with the assault on the part of the husband, first of all, the wife needs to prevent the manifestation of violence against herself. She should not feel sorry for herself and sob into the pillow. Instead, you need to pull yourself together and carefully think about the current situation. It is important to understand what is the reason for the aggression that has arisen on the part of the husband and decide whether it is worth continuing to live with this person.

You need to think about further actions without emotions, soberly assessing the situation. To do this, you should not make any decision on the day when the husband showed aggression. It is better to wait a couple of days to calm down.

If it was decided to save the family and stay with her husband, then the woman needs to act in several directions at once and you need to start with yourself. First of all, you should eliminate the fear inside yourself caused by your spouse. He must see that he is no longer feared.

Then you need to raise your own self-esteem. You need to start respecting and loving your “I”, because for sure the husband has already managed to inspire his wife that she is ugly and stupid. Now you should direct all your efforts to change this belief, first within yourself, and then in the eyes of your husband.

Behavior towards her husband also needs to be corrected. You need to try to hide your irritation, become affectionate and positive. It will not be superfluous to remind the spouse of his merits.

When trying to restore peace in the family, it is important to act gradually, without haste. The main thing - it is worth remembering that if a man does not recognize his problems with self-control, then all the efforts of his wife to improve relations will be in vain.

domestic violence- a complex situation that requires serious investigation. This is what we will try to do today. There is an opinion that violence from a man against a woman is possible, first of all, where there is a place for alcohol or drugs. This statement is not entirely true. Even quite intelligent and seemingly prosperous families can experience such situations. And they are the hardest to deal with. Since, as they say, there are no prerequisites for assault.

Question: What to do if a husband beats his wife? remains open to many women. And all because they do not know that it is they who make the decision. Not everyone can realize that male tyranny is the right path to divorce or to a hospital bed.

Who is the home tyrant? Why do men even get like this?

To answer this question unambiguously, oddly enough, is very difficult. There can be many reasons. And in each specific case, in each specific family, there are reasons and prerequisites. But in any case, no reasons can justify the fact that a husband beats and insults his wife, that is, a strong man beats a weaker one.

Consider the most common reasons:

1. A man completely copies the situation of parental relationships. Otherwise, he simply does not know how. His father "learned" his wife with his fists. In the head of the child, such a model of behavior is postponed as the norm. And that means he should behave the same way.

2. Beating is a way of self-affirmation. This logic is embedded in men - pathological losers. If difficulties arise in their life (professional or everyday), the only way out is to take out the hatred at home, thus relieving stress. Indeed, at work, not everyone will dare to fill the face of the boss, and even more so the loser. No opportunity "express" everything to the offender, which means you can take out the evil on the closest and most defenseless person - your wife.

3. Alcohol and drugs are the most frequent companions of fights and showdowns in the family. A person in a state of intoxication, clouded consciousness is capable of the most terrible deeds. At the same time, he does not control himself, which means he is not aware of his actions. Even the reason "explosion" may later turn out to be extremely small and insignificant, but this will not change the essence. As a rule, in such situations, after the onset of enlightenment in the head, sobering up, a period of repentance begins. But this is only until the next dose. And then everything is according to the script.

4. Some women may unknowingly cause aggression from a man. Such women, as a rule, try to take a dominant position in the family, begin to insult and humiliate men. Sooner or later it can end badly.

5. There are also women who endure everything. Their spinelessness, spinelessness act like a red rag on a bull. The husband hit his wife, and she endured it and kept silent - the situation is common. Man "gets used" to his own impunity and secures behind the scenes for his wife the role of the victim. Such women are usually tormented by a false sense of duty. And they simply do not realize that they endanger not only themselves, but also those around them, for example, children.

Domestic tyrant: typology and behavioral features

The assault has become so widespread in modern society that a whole science has appeared that studies the problem of domestic tyranny. And this science divided male fighters into two types.

"Pitbull"
For him, any quarrel, skirmish or just a skirmish must certainly end in assault. Leading this game, a man (if you can call him that) at first apologizes after each fight, kneels, begs. BUT further outbursts of rage become more frequent, and apologies are uttered less and less. Scandals themselves with or without become a habit, and not a single day can do without them. Even a banal slap in the face can turn into a brutal beating.

Such a person does not listen to anyone's words, he will not understand how skirmishes with his wife may end for him. Aggression overshadows the mind, and here there is a real addiction. According to experts, this "pit bull" falls into dependence on the woman he beats. At the same time, he does not show a sense of guilt, but, on the contrary, suppresses it with the help of new fits of rage and new beatings.

"Cobra"
By and large, this type of sadist is all potential patients of psychiatric cynics. Such "sadists" even they themselves cannot explain for what reason there was an outbreak of aggression. Actually, the reasons are not important here. It is pointless to look for logic in the behavior of such people. Anger becomes all-consuming, and the hand of such a person will rise on a pregnant wife and even on his own child. A woman in such a situation is the most difficult. Since she cannot predict the behavior of this type of male tyrant, it is impossible to predict the moment of attack.

What to do if a husband hit his wife for the first time?

The first shock for a woman in such a situation does not always pass quickly. The beloved man raised his hand to the woman whom he carried in his arms yesterday and called his beloved. The most important thing to do is to calm down. Time in such a situation is the best assistant. Moreover, both the wife and the husband will need time. Both need to understand what exactly happened. Perhaps such an outbreak will never happen again. Then the man will certainly realize the horror of what happened and come running to apologize.

A woman should be patient and analyze the situation. The main thing is to try to find out whether such situations happened in the husband's family, with his parents. If fights were the norm there, then this model is also for the spouse "normal" and acceptable. Hoping for a one-time outburst of anger in this case is not worth it. The situation will repeat itself over and over again, no matter how sincere the husband's apologetic words may seem.

If there were no such scenes in the husband’s family and as a child he did not observe pictures of severe beatings day after day, it is quite possible that his breakdown is an accident. But forgiveness in such a situation is possible only under a clear condition: repetition is tantamount to divorce.

Stop a home tyrant ... is it possible?

A husband beats and insults his wife - well, who will you surprise with this today? Many believe that this situation develops in every family. But it's not right. What's wrong with getting your wife slapped for salty soup? But such relationships in marriage can hardly be called ideal.

In general, it is worth immediately indicating our position: a man who hit a woman once is unlikely to stop there and limit himself to one slap in the face. If a woman finds herself in a situation where the husband hit his wife more than once, but does it with enviable regularity and cruelty, you need to look for a way out. We need to find a way to stop the tyrant.

Unfortunately, in Russia there is no special service that could help a woman who has experienced domestic violence. There are, of course, police and ambulances. But you can count on them only with visible consequences, serious injuries. There is also psychological help by phone, which, alas, cannot help with anything other than advice.

A woman will have to rely only on herself. Even pregnant women, as we remember, cannot feel completely protected. Therefore, it is necessary to develop a line of conduct.

1. Heart-to-heart conversations are the beginning of the path to ending assault at home. If the spouses manage to agree, go together to a specialist, then maybe their situation is not so hopeless. Only a competent specialist will help to understand what exactly caused an outburst of anger and led to beatings, even if they were minor. Only a specialist can help a man get out of this pit of rage and unfulfillment. After all, we remember what kind of men raise their hands against a woman - losers! If the option with the psychologist does not suit the husband, it is hardly worth trying to maintain such a relationship. They definitely won't change. Never.

2. From the first day of life together, a woman must accustom her husband and herself, first of all, to the fact that she is an inviolable person. Under no circumstances should she be subjected to violence. Whatever happens, everything can be solved with words.

3. A woman must, no, must respect herself. Then there will be fewer problems.

4. If the husband hit his wife for the first time, decisive action from the woman should immediately follow. Hysterics have no place here. The woman should calmly pack her things and leave. To a friend, to a neighbor, to my mother in Saratov, anywhere, even to a hotel. The main thing is to let the man understand that such a relationship is categorically not satisfied with her.

5. What to do if the husband beats and insults regularly? Do words have no effect? There is only one answer to this question: you need to leave such a husband, not for a day or a week, but forever. It is difficult to decide on such a step, especially if feelings still remain. But this must be done at least out of a sense of self-preservation.

We declare war on the tyrant

Classic Hollywood movies - what better way to fight male tyrants? Husband beats and insults? Try to do what the character Jennifer Lopez did in the movie "I'm over it". It would seem that a completely happy life, a beloved husband, a wonderful daughter. But happiness collapses overnight, as soon as the husband shows his true face. He is not only unfaithful to his beautiful wife, he is also aggressive towards her and towards the child.

At one fine moment, the woman's patience comes to an end, and she decides to take a desperate step - she runs away from home with her daughter. The solution is simple: no one else is allowed to hurt me and my daughter. Further - revenge and only revenge. A weak woman is unlikely to be able to defeat an adult man. So you need to train the body and fighting spirit.

And here is the result - evil is punished, and with the same coin. A woman can make a man feel like a defenseless victim of a domestic tyrant, driving his victim into a corner.

Much easier, shedding tears, complain to friends and mom: "my husband beat me". But what can a woman herself do to avoid being beaten? Where is her pride, strength and courage? Where is the character, after all? It depends on the woman whether she will endure such a situation or decide to change everything! Unfortunately, this is exactly what women forget.

Hiding is a good defense.

It is not easy to defeat a strong man in an open confrontation, especially if the opponent is three times heavier and stronger. But it's still worth a try. Especially if the house in which the skirmishes take place is the only housing and there is nowhere else to go. Protecting your own life and the lives of children must come to the fore. And in any way no pity for himself, and even more so for her husband.
It is impossible to change a man who raised his hand against a woman. Such a villain will most likely stop at nothing, even his wife's pregnancy is unlikely to sober him up. So the woman will have to fight for her own life and for the life of the child.

What to do to make a man understand: "It won't continue like this"!

Self defense courses- an excellent tool for relieving stress, as well as for mastering the necessary skills. It is quite possible that once putting them into practice, a woman will be able to permanently stop beating her husband.

The provocations of the husband must be learned to be ignored. It helps. For starters, it’s a good idea to just leave the house for the duration of your husband’s outbreaks, and with your children, for example, for a walk. With all her appearance, a woman should radiate self-confidence and calmness. Her husband's attacks on her should not touch her.

If it is not possible to leave the house, it would be good to put locks on the door of one of the rooms. Shelter inside the house is also a good way to hide from a tyrant. The main condition is to always have a mobile phone with you. Often, it was mobile communications that saved women's lives.

Living in the same apartment with a tyrant is not worth it. It is best to find work and rented housing. If there are no children, this will not be difficult. If you can’t immediately rent an apartment, you can ask for help from friends or relatives. It is important to remember that being in the same apartment with an aggressive man is dangerous!

Being with an aggressor husband under the same roof, you should follow a few simple but effective rules.

If quarrels continue with enviable regularity, follow the simplest safety precautions. In no case should you run into the kitchen or the bathroom when a quarrel has begun. Any closed room where there is furniture with sharp corners, heavy or sharp objects is certain death.

Temporary shelter must be prepared in advance. This is an escape route that should always be available. It doesn’t matter what it will be, a friend’s apartment or a crisis center, the main thing is that you can come there at any time of the day or night.

Sitting quietly in a corner and waiting until it comes to assault is not worth it. Call the police as soon as an argument starts. At the same time, it is important to let the police know that you are in real danger. Shout into the phone, scream. Law enforcement agencies are obliged to come to the call and explain to the man that he is wrong in offending his wife or children.

After a fight, be sure to call an ambulance. Doctors must record the beatings, check for bruises and abrasions, make sure there are no more serious injuries. And at the same time check on the sanity of the spouse. It is possible that he can immediately be taken to psychoneurology.

All the most valuable and necessary should be at hand. If a woman has to leave home for a while and even more so forever. A bag with the essentials should be ready. Money, documents, spare things, jewelry. You should not scatter gifts from your husband in such a situation. They are your compensation for physical and moral damage.

The psyche of a woman inevitably suffers from domestic scandals, and even more so from beatings. The help of a psychologist in such a situation will not be superfluous.

Don't forget that your life is the most valuable thing you have. And you are responsible for this life. No one will protect a woman better than herself. Take care of yourself, do not endanger your life and the lives of your children, remaining to live under the same roof with a tyrant and a monster. Remember that no one, even the strongest woman, will be able to deal with such a difficult situation as domestic violence without specialists.

If a husband beats his wife, then ... She deserved it? Is he a scoundrel? This is their family business, will they figure it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have come out of the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Especially if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can speculate enough about the role of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each of the spouses bears for their development. And what will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially in the position of the victim?

Too often, under the guise of a close-knit family, the union of the victim and the tyrant is hidden.

Who beats his wife, God gives him?

There are very few men who would be clearly aware that by raising a hand against a woman they are doing wrong, to put it mildly. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” justification for his act. One does not doubt that the missus herself brought him: she did not greet him, as it should, after a hard day's work; at the wrong time she slipped herself under the arm with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor in the stairwell - probably for a reason, rubbish ...

Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear”, confident that this is how one should assert one’s position as the head of the family.

By the way, not only our ancestors shone with such pearls. There are a lot of proverbs explaining how to build good relations with your spouse with the help of fists in the languages ​​of other peoples. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a club there will be no virtuous spouse,” they taught in China. In India, a woman's head was compared with a nail head in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat a spouse as often as they beat a gong. And an Arabic proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when he is guilty is not worth living.

Is the need to prove one's masculine worth and authority through beatings an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?

Violence against women in the old days was the norm. How about now?

The psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior

Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise orders? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country, 36,000 women are subjected to violence by a spouse or partner every day - and this is only according to official data. And the chance of dying at the hands of a bastard in the alley by chance for most of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soul mate?

And for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude

Under no circumstances can any of these reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If the aggressor husband does not throw his fists at the captious boss, is afraid to repulse the two-meter tall man who pushed him out of the line, dutifully listens to the inspector's scolding on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He is good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his course of action. Sometimes such men get so into the taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.

Children in the line of fire

By the way, about children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor dad.

There is no guarantee that sooner or later the anger of a divorced parent will not fall on the child, especially if the baby is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to protect the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And do not hope that after a crack in the heat of the moment, the unfortunate father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Don't forget, he's already used to giving himself free rein within his four walls and has learned to gain respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife with the help of physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from applying the proven method of education on children? Probably not high moral principles. Not to mention the fact that it is basically impossible to raise a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where abuse and blows are constantly heard.

There can be no normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign

Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home each year to escape being beaten by a parent. About 2,000 decide to commit suicide each year for the same reason. A frightening number of juvenile killers end up in a colony precisely for the murder of their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who by hook or by crook keep the family together, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first is against himself, and the second is against his child.

How to deal with domestic violence

A woman who once experienced the brunt of the anger of her beloved, whether it be an official husband or a cohabitant, has two options: to stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked or leave.

Life on the volcano

The first slap in the face rarely comes as a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turned into a monster with a furious grin and menacingly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nit-picking, caustic remarks, and then outright insults to the spouse. Usually a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their beloved, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's in trouble." “It’s your own fault, why did you climb with this account from the dry cleaners during football?”

Many wives drive themselves into a corner

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all break down from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not excuse rudeness and rudeness. It’s one thing to angrily quit: “Honey, will you let me watch TV in peace today ?!” and quite another: - "Go away, cow!" The wife, dutifully taking down moral "kicks", will very soon wait for real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted from the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “only” a housewife, and your loved one turns over super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him a step above you. The family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relief robot, right?

First hit

So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and scribble an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.

First of all, calm down. Emotions have not advised anyone anything worthwhile. Take a walk, breathe fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all the details and try to understand what happened? Was the spouse drunk or sober? Was he himself afraid of what he had done, or was he contentedly looking at the work of his own hands? Did you provoke him, in the heat of a skirmish, speaking vilely about the parents of the faithful or painfully hurting his manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, after sending his wife on a long and not quite decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.

Think about it, do you not too often bring down on the faithful hail of reproaches?

After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your stumbled spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.

Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more hit, a slap, a slap on the back of the head - and you immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.

Take a closer look at your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, do not spare compliments for your spouse, indulge him with delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can overcome only with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from the husband.

If a loved one has a really hot temper and he himself realizes it, a family psychologist will come to the rescue. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.

Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented himself and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem to your spouse something out of the ordinary, you and this person are not on the way.

Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion

Our forefathers, who no less often suffered from quick-to-kill husbands, had their own ways to restore peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more abrupt measures were required, the beaten wife would buy a new hammer and say over it: “Like a heavy hammer it does not rise, so that such a servant of God would have a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. Be my words strong and sculpting from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only as an aid. Hoping for the help of higher powers, without taking any action to improve the situation, is still not worth it.

Run Lola Run

Were you gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the case when you were so humiliated, and in return you receive only new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it does not make sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, to listen to assurances that "this will not happen again." Will repeat. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated egregious case, but a great way to discharge, and he has already got a taste for it. Think about it, is your marriage really worth it to cover up bruises before every exit to the street? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stresses that they will receive by living in the same house with the aggressor? Hardly. Also, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes they completely lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.

Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor!

If it was not possible to change the situation, without any pity, pack your things and leave. Once and for all. For years, running between the parental home and the house of the ex-spouse is a hopeless business. It is better to spend time and effort looking for a new half. The one that will be able to keep his fists in his pockets.

Often a tyrant who has come to his senses is unwilling to let go of his prey so easily. In the course there is blackmail by children, suicide, threats of physical violence ... How to be?

First of all, realize that you are only responsible for your own life and the lives of your children. An adult capable person is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will kill themselves in the event of a divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make an elementary effort on himself for you? Is it not because, in fact, he loves only himself, and he needs you only as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?

If you fear that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of ​​demonstrative leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.

Just do not, following the advice and feedback of determined women from social networks, take a frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this pan will not be pulled out of your hands and will not fall on your own head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of impact? The article “exceeding the necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if the former beloved, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.

Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?

Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can forgive a bruise under your eye with a light soul: it happened by accident (showed a friend the size of the pike caught and did not calculate the arm span) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to keep you company in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, up to the most severe. Don't wait for the situation to finally get out of control, take on its correction or leave. There is no third.

In this article, I want to touch on the topic of domestic violence. If you are reading this text, then most likely you have experienced violence in your family. Perhaps this is happening now. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is very common, and - which is even more regrettable - few people talk about it.

First of all, they are silent victims of violence, which in 95% of cases are women and children. It is they who often hide the sad, terrible facts of their lives. And it's hard to blame them!

On the one hand, they are simply scared, on the other hand, they often believe that what is happening to them has the right to exist, is normal, and even to some extent fair. If so, then why talk about it? In addition, society often condemns such women, shames them.

Often one hears reasoning: Man hitting a woman- Okay, but who's to blame? Perhaps the so-called victims of violence themselves provoke their abusers?

Responsibility for a blow always lies with the one who commits it, so never listen to those who say: "the woman herself is to blame for being beaten." This is wrong! But it is equally fair to say that a man is treated as he allows himself to be treated. This is reality, even though it goes against all ethical standards.

Therefore, the cycle of violence should be considered from two different positions. From the side of the offender and from the side of the victim. Applied violence is the responsibility of the offender. Salvation is the task and responsibility of the victim.

Violence can be physical, psychological, economic, sexual, or a combination of all of these forms.

In the end, that's usually what happens. Violence is used by those who want to control the life of another person, to rule over it - this is perhaps the most important thing to understand, I read this work.

And above all, I set myself the goal of showing ways out of the cycle of violent relationships. To do this, it is necessary to debunk some of the myths associated with this phenomenon, as they often act as obstacles for those women who want to avoid violence against themselves.

Article navigation: “My husband beats me – what to do? What prevents you from breaking off relations with a male offender? Part 1"

Misconception #1

In fact, in this sense, practically nothing depends on a woman. Why? the reader will ask.

• What if she says terrible things?
• And if she first pushed or hit?
• What if she was flirting with someone else?

Even if all this is true. Even if she behaved rudely, indecently, or said offensive words, it was the man who made the decision to hit or not. Could he just walk away from her? But for some reason he chose the path of violence.

• Yes, he was so angry that he simply lost control of himself! the same reader will say.

Then why didn't he kill her? Why, when he saw his wife flirting with another, did he hit her only upon returning home? Why, before striking, did he close the door to the children's room?

The experience of working with those who practice domestic violence against women (rapists) shows that in the vast majority of cases, a man is aware of what he is doing and is able to control himself.

The inability to control one's own behavior is either a pathology or an illusion, and this applies to everyone, not just men. Domestic violence against women exists because a man wants power and is taught that it can be obtained by force. Society condones this idea.

The idea that a woman provokes a man to use violence is completely untenable. Of course, you can say that some women (and people in general) behave in such a way that you want to strangle them, but this does not mean that this is how they are treated. There is always a choice. This is what distinguishes a person from an animal, which operates solely on the principle of stimulus-response.

In human nature, however, lies the ability to be aware of their actions, and therefore control them. The ability to make conscious decisions, based on the analysis of incentives, one's own needs and desires, on the one hand, and the prediction of the consequences of one's reactions, on the other hand, significantly distinguishes a person from an animal.

The person who used violence family was ready to do it. He was looking (or waiting) for an excuse. Even if a woman silently fulfilled all his desires and requirements, he would most likely “punish” her for being too submissive, expressing contempt for her position.

Finding fault with a woman for any reason, the rapist thereby gets rid of internal tension. What he does is related to the need to vent anger, and the behavior of a woman has little to do with this. She is only an object of influence, and nothing more. It is this internal tension that causes man hitting a woman.

Misconception #2

Domestic violence against women will stop if they become better (more affectionate, more skillful, more beautiful, sexier, etc.)

For example, once in childhood, such a person was deprived of the opportunity to make decisions independently, was under the yoke of someone whom he was unable to resist (we are not talking about normal parental requirements for the child to obey and behave appropriately, rather the central place , here, takes the word "oppression").

“When you turn 18, you will decide for yourself what to do, but as long as you live with us, you must obey. You know, we feed him, give him water, and he decided to set his own rules. No thanks!” - such parents are indignant.

By using violence, a man who grew up in such conditions proves to himself over and over again that he is not powerless. Once upon a time he had to obey, but now, there appears (the seeker, let him find!) Someone weaker than him.

No matter what a woman does, no matter how hard she tries to be better, violence will continue until the offender reconsiders her values, accepts her weakness in order to learn to be truly strong.

The ostentatious strength hides vulnerability, a sense of inferiority, inner weakness and still leaves a person in a state of impotence. True strength lies in having the courage to admit your powerlessness (which happens to everyone), and to give yourself the trouble to overcome it without causing harm to others.

Misconception #3

According to various studies, about 90% of children whose mothers are abused become unwitting witnesses. Domestic violence against women significant impact on children.

It has been proven that people who regularly witness violence have the same (or very similar) psychological consequences as the victims themselves.

In addition, as a rule, if a violent type of relationship takes place in the family, then it also applies to children. Is it possible to call a good father a person whose actions cause significant harm to the health of his children? This, as you can see, is a rhetorical question.

Misconception #4

Here the situation is as follows: firstly, maybe he really loves, but does this mean that everything is allowed to him ?! Love is understood by everyone in their own way. For the offender, as a rule, this feeling is associated with a desire to control and dominate.

However, confusion often arises when vivid sensual manifestations are mistaken for true affection. Love, however, is more than an ardent passion. It includes care for the object of sighing, and such care that does not run counter to the desires of the latter.

The desire, for example, to isolate your partner in order to protect her from the harmful influence of friends and relatives, is not very similar to the manifestation of love, at least because it can go against the desires of a woman and hurt her.

It is necessary to separate love (the feeling that may live in the offender) and violence (the way this feeling is manifested). If a man beats a woman, then it is not so important whether he loves her at the same time or not. What matters is that he hurts her. Violence used is a fact worth confronting, no matter what other feelings may be behind it.

In fact, domestic violence against women- a topic shrouded in many myths, but these four misconceptions, in my opinion, most often prevent breaking off relations with the offender.

So, to recap: it can be difficult for a woman to leave a rapist because she blames herself for what is happening to her (agrees with the accusations of others). As a result, he believes that by changing and “becoming better”, he will be able to convince his offender to stop (satisfy him). She sacrifices herself (or courageously endures this test), believing that this is good for her children.

All this, no doubt, may look like serious reasons, but they are erroneous. Ultimately, only the rapist is responsible for what he does.

Here we do not take into account his own history of teaching violence. Of course, he has his own, often objective, reasons for behaving this way - childhood traumas, instilled faith in patriarchal authority, etc. But this is not an excuse, because in the end a person always has a choice: how to live his traumas and how to realize the data in childhood installations.

Now that the myths are out of the way, let's turn to the objective difficulties and dangers that come with breaking up an abusive relationship.

If for some reason you could not contact the psychologist online, then leave your message (as soon as the first free consultant appears on the line, you will be contacted immediately at the specified e-mail), or on.

The modern world is difficult to imagine without the manifestation of aggression. People face this negative phenomenon almost everywhere. The rudeness of drivers, visitors standing in line at a clinic or store, etc. is not particularly surprising. Fortunately, such episodes, as a rule, are perceived as nothing more than ordinary situations and are quickly erased from our memory.

Family aggression is seen in a completely different way. And although women have suffered from the beatings of their husbands at all times, enduring, slowly passing away and not complaining about violence, today, in our enlightened age, such a thing is simply unthinkable. Each of the family members, being at home, should feel completely safe, enjoying the warmth and comfort of the atmosphere that warms his home. But what if the husband beats his wife? Let's try to understand this issue.

Pathological causes of aggression

Unfortunately, violence in modern families is far from uncommon. Few people are surprised by the fact that a man beats a woman, whether she is a legal wife or just a lover. Moreover, the beatings themselves are carefully hidden by many ladies. This happens mainly because of the fear of public opinion.

As a result, a painful situation arises in the family, and the problem is not solved. And not only adults suffer from this. Domestic violence also has a negative impact on children.

In order for a woman to understand what to do if her husband beats her, one should first of all get an answer to the question of what pushes a man to do this, who until recently promised to love and protect his chosen one.

Psychologists clearly distinguish between cases where aggression exists in the family all the time or was only an isolated case. If we consider the first option, then most likely the domestic tyrant has serious mental or behavioral disorders. But if the second situation takes place, then it is unlikely that it will be possible to express an unambiguous opinion here.

Unfortunately, in modern society, no one teaches girls how they should choose their husband. Because of this, marriage is sometimes formalized literally with the first comer. And only after a few months of living together, a woman begins to realize what kind of person her husband is.

However, everyone can guess about the likelihood of a problem of domestic violence even before the wedding, drawing attention to the strange behavior of her betrothed. For example, there is nothing surprising in the fact that a man looks at other women. This is done by many representatives of the strong half of humanity. But at the same time, not everyone will peep into other people's windows or start the day with a glass of alcohol.

Why does a husband beat his wife? The psychology of this phenomenon allows us to identify the following most common causes:

1. Finding a man in a state of intoxication. In this case, the habitual restraint of the spouse seems to dissolve under the influence of alcohol. At the same time, previously pent-up discontent and hidden grievances break out.
2. Chronic alcoholism. Such a state inevitably leads to the degradation of the individual. And this, in turn, completely destroys a person's value system.
3. Mental illness. In this case, even a psychiatrist is not always able to help.

If at least one of the cases described above takes place, then the woman should seriously think about whether she should stay in the family. Most likely, she needs to run away from her husband as soon as possible, to whom it is simply impossible to help. Often, many women take the path of self-sacrifice. And this is their big mistake. They make every effort to save their loved one, often losing health, and sometimes even life.

If the husband beats, where to turn? Today, specialized anti-crisis centers operate in many cities. They are designed for victims of domestic violence. This is where a woman can turn for help.

Alcoholism

It is worth dwelling on this reason for family tyranny in more detail. After all, alcohol often turns a loving husband into a cruel person who revels in his power. Based on the available statistics, in most families in which the spouse suffers from alcoholism, conflicts, as a rule, end not just in fights, but also in causing quite serious physical injuries. It should be borne in mind that the person who literally does not part with a glass is even capable of killing if he shows aggression.

But is it worth it to immediately break off family relations if a husband beats his wife while intoxicated? Such an opinion sounds from TV screens and often appears in print media. However, in this case, psychologists are advised to pay attention to subsequent events. There are men who, after they sober up, are aware of their actions. They understand all the consequences of such actions and show complete readiness to get rid of vices. In this situation, the woman, by her departure, will only aggravate the condition of her husband, who, quite possibly, will attempt suicide.

But it also happens that the husband still does not realize his mistake. In this case, the woman is advised to immediately break off the relationship. After all, she was the first to suffer from domestic violence, and in the future, children can also become victims. Such behavior of the father will leave a negative imprint on their psyche for the rest of their lives. In addition, psychologists warn that aggression with each new episode will only increase its strength. And this, sooner or later, can lead to the most tragic consequences.

Jealousy

Why does a husband beat his wife? Sometimes the reason for this is banal jealousy. In such cases, the beatings are intermittent. Sometimes a woman herself provokes a man to such a manifestation of aggression. This happens if she herself gives him a reason for jealousy.

A well-known proverb says: "He beats, so he loves." Is it so? If a husband beats his wife, the psychology of such a phenomenon does not at all indicate passionate love. Such manifestations of aggression only testify to the mental pain that the spouse is unable to cope with.

Somewhere, humanly, a domestic tyrant can be understood. To do this, the victim of violence only needs to remember what she experienced at the moment when she was jealous of her husband for a random stranger or girlfriend. Only then will she understand his behavior. However, if the situation repeats itself again and again, and there were no real grounds for jealousy, then the woman must decide whether she should keep the family, or is it better to leave her husband.

For those who want to maintain a relationship, psychologists recommend completely reconsidering the style of communication with a spouse. But if there is any doubt about the need for this, then you should think carefully about whether it is worth living with a person you do not love?

A real man?

According to psychologists, women, who fought for their equality for a long time, achieved a complete victory. In modern society, men have been deprived of the opportunity to occupy the leading positions for which they, in fact, were born. And for some of them, physical aggression is almost the only way to prove their worth and power over their soulmate.

This is hardly an excuse when considering the question, "Why does a husband beat his wife?" After all, a reasonable person will not assert himself by applying force to a weak partner. He is likely to look for work to his liking and create an environment in the family in which it would never occur to anyone to defend his own superiority. If at the same time the lady does everything to help her chosen one, then it will be completely fine.

There is another reason why a husband beats his wife. Psychology considers it in connection with an attempt at humiliating or rude control by the spouse. Sometimes ladies behave as if men are obliged to constantly go on about their mood and fulfill all whims. And sometimes a woman openly, and in a vulgar form, demonstrates her superiority. Can she then say: "My husband does not love me"? No. Indeed, many men simply cannot stand such behavior.

Fortunately, in such a situation, not every representative of the strong half of humanity decides to assault. But a woman must understand that her constant dissatisfaction with her husband will certainly become the main cause of conflicts in the family. And it is likely that the fact that the spouse raised his hand to his chosen one indicates his despair. A normal man is unlikely to be able to live with someone because of whom he is not able to fully control his emotions. In this case, a woman will need to reconsider her behavior.

Is she to blame?

As you can see, answer the question: “Why does a husband beat his wife?” Psychologists definitely can't. Is it possible that the lady herself is the cause of domestic violence? Yes. This happens, and quite often. This happens primarily due to the fact that a woman takes the position of a victim. She believes that she is good for nothing, which is why she can be treated quite rudely. What to do in such a situation? Psychologists recommend that a woman immediately begin work on gaining self-confidence. Otherwise, aggression will occur in any of her chosen ones.

A man beats a woman in those cases when she behaves inappropriately. With his aggression, the husband tries to bring her to her senses, not finding any other way to do it.

Sometimes a husband beats his wife for deliberately causing her mental pain, slander, rudeness and insults. What should ladies do in this case? First of all, think about whether there is something in their behavior that exposes you to a blow? Indeed, sometimes for family well-being it becomes sufficient to make relationships more sincere and better. And far from always in such a situation it is possible to unequivocally state: "My husband does not love me."

Relationship between parents

If a woman complains: "My husband is mocking me," she should also consider the psychological background of her behavior. There is an opinion that girls always try to recreate in their family the model of relations that existed in the parental home. However, this is not at all the case. According to the results of the survey, most victims of domestic violence in childhood did not have enough motherly love. The chosen ones of women who grew up in such conditions are most often men who have faced similar life difficulties. Because of this similarity, a strong emotional bond is established between partners. The girl believes that the chosen one will certainly understand all her emotions, experiences and feelings. But the reality is not so rosy at all. Such a connection only means that the tyrant has chosen the ideal victim for himself.

Experts believe that in such a relationship between a husband and wife there is such a strong psychological bond that it becomes impossible to break it. During periods of calm, violent passion and emotional attachment flare up between them. At this time, lovers stop paying attention to the whole world around them and seem to dissolve into each other. With a long marriage, such a relationship becomes even stronger. It is becoming more and more difficult for a woman to find a way out of this situation. But the longer the marriage lasts, the more pronounced the violence caused by "love" becomes. It is the emotional connection that exists between the spouses that makes the victim believe in all the repeated promises that the beatings will remain in the past.

Such a model of behavior is considered one of the signs of the manifestation of the "Stockholm syndrome". The wife is afraid of her husband, but at the same time constantly finds excuses for his horrific behavior, going through humiliation and beatings.

Why do representatives of the weaker half of humanity forgive physical harm to their health? This fact is explained by the manifestation of emotional dependence. In such families, as a rule, the man forbids his wife to work. This leads to the fact that her social circle is significantly reduced, and she is deprived of the material foundation for leading an independent life in the event of a divorce. If the wife tries to leave the family, then this threatens her with new beatings. After all, a man is also psychologically dependent on his chosen one.

prone to tyranny

What personality traits does a man possess who is capable of showing aggression? The desire to dominate is characteristic of:

1. epileptoids. This type of personality is characterized by a tendency to get annoyed because of all sorts of little things. Such people are accustomed to order, pedantic, stingy and vindictive. It's quite easy to get them out. For this, any oversight on the part of the chosen one is enough. Epileptoids simply love to find fault with various manifestations of feelings, emotions, as well as the actions of a woman. As their spouse, they choose those ladies who have similar personality traits or occupy a high social status. Such men see an equal person in the chosen one. That is why the respect of the spouse ladies should be earned. Other women are unlikely to be able to live with a man who resolves disputes with his fists.
2. paranoid personality. These are embittered and suspicious people, prone to baseless jealousy. A woman who marries such a man should be prepared for constant claims and reproaches. Psychologists note that at the initial stage of the relationship, their husband does not humiliate them at all. On the contrary, he creates an image of a noble and courteous personality. However, later this person shows his sadistic inclinations, experiencing real pleasure from violence. Psychologists warn that such men first hurt, and then apologize for their actions for a very long time. Moreover, tearful prayers uttered on their knees bring them as much pleasure as the subsequent pouring out of accumulated aggression on their spouse. If a woman is not ready to accept such rules of the game, then the consequences of such an alliance will be quite difficult for her.

What else can be called, based on the advice of a psychologist, signs of a tyrant husband? A spouse's tendency to be aggressive can be caused by the following factors:

• existing traumatic brain injury;
• tough approach to the educational process;
• scandals of parents, which often ended in beatings;
• poor performance while studying at school;
• a problem with discipline in childhood, as well as a manifestation of aggression against living beings;
• lack of empathy for the people around them.

What advice can psychologists give? The signs of a tyrant husband listed above, in their opinion, are not always a prerequisite for the occurrence of violence. If the spouse has a strong will, then he will carefully control his behavior, emotions and feelings. However, with a long-term influence of psycho-emotional stress and stress factors, the birth of a monster is quite possible. Hence the important advice: try to maintain a favorable atmosphere in the family if this person is dear to you. As practice shows, in any conflicts, most often both partners are to blame. A woman often, without realizing it, acts as a provocateur.

Specialists also identify several types of men who contribute to the appearance of a victim in a woman. Let's consider them in more detail.

depreciating

Such men try by any means to level the achievements of women. Sometimes this is done even indirectly. This is expressed, for example, in ugly statements about his chosen one in a circle of friends, in ignoring and devaluing her actions. The husband humiliates his wife, while rising in his eyes. Psychologists explain this behavior by the fact that in their hearts such spouses remain insecure boys, afraid that the woman will leave them.

If such a man begins to criticize his lady of the heart, saying that the dinner is too hot or the children are not brought up as they should, and she begins to apologize to him, then the situation will certainly escalate later. After all, a woman begins to play the role of a victim. How should she deal with this? Try not to react to his remarks. Indeed, otherwise the husband will mock his wife even more.

Destructive sadist

At the beginning of family relationships, they are wonderful spouses. However, some time passes, and the wife begins to complain that her husband hits her in the face. After that, he begins to literally crawl on his knees and ask for forgiveness. And after a short period of time, he again raises his hand to his spouse, and his actions are on the rise. Such a sadist does not seek to break off relations. It always works according to the same scenario. At first he beats, then heals (gives flowers or expensive gifts), and then mocks with even greater force. Often women do not leave such men, believing that everything can still be fixed. But in this they are gravely mistaken.

collapsing

And such a man needs to be saved himself. The collapsing type includes drug addicts and alcoholics, workaholics and people addicted to games. They are not recognized in society and are hopeless in all respects.

There are quite a few options for solving the problems that women choose. For example, they begin to degrade along with a man, grabbing a glass or a cigarette. And the chosen one begins to pull along. A woman can also be strong by investing money, time and love in her husband. But most often infantile men after a certain period go to another. Woman Her soul is devastated, and her health is undermined, if not completely lost.