Women's choice: live alone or with a man. My experience of living together with a guy - learning from other people's mistakes

09.01.2018 12:46:01

A romantic candy-bouquet period in a relationship logically leads to the fact that lovers begin to live together. And when you found yourself in the same territory, pushed snowboards and mixers in the corners and determined a place for the "plasma", ordinary life began.

It is at this stage "we lived happily ever after" that all beautiful love stories end, but the most interesting thing begins: having occupied a common living space, you will begin to slowly find out who is responsible for leaking taps, clean floors, and delicious dinners. And we still have to agree on where you celebrate the main holidays, how you spend your vacation, how you treat guests. And, if there are already children (people with children after a divorce also meet love and get married, yes) - who and when picks them up from kindergarten schools.

"Getting used to it means creating a family framework that is built from rituals, common habits, agreements and understanding what is permissible in your relationship and what is not."

This period in a relationship is inevitable, logical and natural, so the main thing is to understand what is really the reason for the suddenly arisen quarrels.

Resolve conflicts yourself

If in a romantic relationship people are trying very hard to show themselves from their best side, then, having settled in the same apartment, it becomes difficult for them to hide their flaws. It turns out that it is doubly pleasant to note that the partner is also imperfect: anyone can throw socks around the apartment, regardless of gender.

Quarrels and reproaches begin. And not only for everyday reasons: it may suddenly turn out that he likes to spend quiet weekends at home, and she wants to meet friends, go to nature or go to the cinema.

"Quite a simple feature of the Russian mentality hinders calmly resolving conflicts and dotting the i's. People are too used to seeking advice from relatives and friends, instead of discussing the problem with each other."

Not only can a stranger, in principle, not give advice on how to solve your problem, constant complaints about a partner to friends or relatives form the opinion that he is a terrible person, and your relationship consists only of scandals.

Therefore, the solution is simple: agree that your task as a couple is to learn and, if possible, accept each other's habits without involving third parties.

Don't compete with each other

Living together is always a search for a compromise. Mature partnerships, in fact, are built on the fact that two adults can agree. “In many couples, there is competition, most often hidden, for the right to be considered“ in charge of the house ”. But, being in a constant struggle for power, it is difficult to create a comfortable, secure relationship. "

How is this rivalry manifested? In small details, words, actions, the purpose of which is to belittle the partner, by himself standing out against his background. Women can skillfully use reproaches for their partner's inattention: “Well, how did you go for groceries, you forgot to buy milk! And I asked for a powder cleaner, not a liquid one! " Men are no less insidious, they find sophisticated ways to hint at the inefficiency or lack of femininity of their partner: "Mom made soup not just with meat, but with meatballs!"

It seems to many that they have already become so close, so they can safely tell each other "the whole truth." But closeness is about respect, support, understanding. And not about "hurray, finally you can no longer stand on ceremony!"

If you say to each other: “Next time, please buy some milk” or “Make some soup with meatballs for me” - there will be much fewer reasons for quarrels.

Learn to ask

By the way, there is such a tradition - to keep silent about your desires, like a partisan during interrogation, and wait for the partner to guess and fulfill them. Yes, for some reason many are so used to it. Maybe the Soviet past is to blame, when asking for something, especially for yourself, was considered selfishness and shamelessness. But what kind of shamelessness is it to say: "It is very important for me to get enough sleep on the day off, could you not make noise until 10 in the morning"?

Those days are long gone. “It is important to be able to talk about what you expect from your partner. And even more important - to be able to cope with the fact that he may refuse this request. " Although it is unlikely that a loved one will laugh at the request: fulfilling it is the easiest way to express your concern.

Save your habits

The creation of common family traditions and habits is, in fact, the main goal of this complex process of getting used to each other. However, getting used to it does not mean merging into one whole.

If your beloved man is fond of football, this is not a reason to buy a cheerleader's jersey and watch matches together, if you are really genuinely perplexed at the sight of players running across the field. If the woman you love loves to dance, and you feel like a tree next to her, you better wish her to find a more talented partner.

Keeping your life separate from your partner, with your interests and circle of friends, is very good for relationships. And this also indicates that each in a pair has clearly defined boundaries that allow them to maintain their uniqueness, integrity. After all, we are loved precisely for who we are.

And, most importantly, remember that life together consists of very, very simple things: prepare food, wash the dishes, go to the store together, put the children to bed. So the secret to long-term happiness, one might say, is to make these little things as comfortable as possible for each other.

Toothpaste with or without whitening? Apartment with or without a park view? Life with or without a man? It is easier for girls of the XXI century to make decisions on their own, as well as find a way out of the most difficult situations. The phrase "You are alone, because it is not easy to find a young man, there are few of them, you attract no one, there are no worthy ones" does not sound very convincing to them. Do you recognize yourself?

Psychologists and coaches of interpersonal relationships have long explained: if a woman wants a relationship and is ready for it, a man will appear in her life, and very quickly. Many who dreamed of finding a couple took courses like "Five Steps to Meeting a Partner", after which they found out that starting a romance is not at all difficult, there would be a desire. But desire is just the problem. Now is the time to ask yourself: do you really want to be with a man, or is your conscious choice - loneliness?

It is worth noting that the right to choose is not so easy for a modern girl. Advisors and appraisers swarm around us, wanting to confuse and suggest how to live. From the screens, on the air of programs like "Let's get married!" demands are pouring into something
no matter how to create a couple: "The woman should be attached!" But to whom exactly should I?
Recently, after completing an unsuccessful romance, my friend Lena, instead of a new groom, was looking for a new
an apartment in which she dreamed of forgetting about dirty socks in the corners and daily three-course meat dinners. “I sincerely wanted to be alone, because the previous relationship broke down because of everyday life. A man in a house requires a lot of effort, leaving no time for other interests, ”she complained. Lena wanted to devote time to massage, manicure, cinema and meeting with her friends. As luck would have it, the owner of the apartment that she liked unceremoniously declared: “You know, single girls make me suspicious, I hope
you will think about marriage. " Lena indignantly rejected this "tempting" option. “It wasn’t enough to arrange a personal life in order to earn the landlord’s trust,” she snorted. But people who are used to thinking in stereotypes still find it difficult to understand how a girl can be good without a man. It turns out, maybe, and how! Books, movies, and even a quiet morning in the kitchen can be more interesting than an evening together. “The craving for life without a partner does not mean that a lonely person is an evil, unhappy bastard,” says the artist Ksenia Larina, who has been living alone for 15 years and does not suffer at all. - It just means that you respect your own and other people's space. For example, you want, without hesitation, to walk around the apartment with an unwashed head in a stretched T-shirt; you can afford not to wash the dishes for weeks. " As for the aching feeling of loneliness, which many are so afraid of, according to Ksenia (and she is one hundred percent right in this), it does not correlate with the presence of people around: a person can feel melancholy in an apartment full of close relatives.

Psychologist Natalya Georgieva, President of Workline Group, agrees with Ksenia and confirms that there are many successful women among her clients who like to be alone: ​​“We are endlessly imposed stereotypes and standards that make us feel ashamed of our freedom. To admit that you like being alone is simply indecent! But strong, independent girls defend their right and do not allow anyone into their lives. And the point here is not the desire for loneliness, but in the integrity, maturity and self-sufficiency of the individual. "

However, there are other reasons why girls refuse to share their lives with someone else. Unfortunately, they are far from defining happiness and independence. For example, the belief that "nobody likes me", "my parents do not approve of my boyfriends." The danger is that from the outside these arguments also look reasonable, but in reality they are only the result of self-deception.

Into the closed door

"Is it okay to feel a strong desire to live alone?" - with this question I turned to professionals studying interpersonal relationships. The presenter of women's trainings, Devi Yevseeva, spoke about her experience: coming to her trainings dedicated to femininity, girls often declare that they want to be soft and attractive, but not for the sake of men, but simply for themselves. Their words command respect. However, literally after a couple of sessions, the opinion of the clients changes: it turns out that in fact the participants are very
they need male attention, but they don't know how to get it. Why were these women not aware of their needs before?

When we cannot build a relationship for a long time, we often convince ourselves that “I didn't really want to”. A belief can be so sincere that we begin to believe in it sacredly and even come up with appropriate roles for ourselves, for example, an introvert, who, by definition, should strive for loneliness. But such an imaginary introvert is easy to see through his favorite phrase "I would rather be alone, because ...", then several options follow: "Because all men cheat", "Because they are all stupid." All this, psychologists say, are excuses so as not to notice the real situation. And it consists in the fact that the girl has problems that need to be solved.

An acquaintance of mine, a financier named Elena, is a rare lucky in her career, stepped from a dull Moscow office straight to the Paris office of a large company. But in her personal life, she is not capable of change. When I wonder what exactly is wrong in the next
to a fan, why the relationship did not work out again, she answers the same thing: "He does not know how to multiply three-digit numbers in his mind." To my question about who can multiply them at all, she just shrugs her shoulders, continuing to rather aggressively diagnose men with dementia. Will she be able to live with one of these? No way! Of course, it's better to be alone. Here lies the cunning: the girl accuses men that they are not worthy of her, thus covering up her aggression towards them. Of course, we all want perfect companions who will love, adore and live up to all our expectations. If not, they are ready to stay alone, just not to compromise. The trick is that the partner will not really want to take care of us and correspond, if you start acquaintance with claims about the multiplication table or accusations of underdevelopment of intelligence. Answering the question “Why are wonderful girls single?”, Coach, psychologist and famous blogger Stefan Laborissere urges women to pay attention to this very moment: “You will not like what I have to say, but I will be very frank. Often women start communicating with men with pretensions, with a sour expression on their faces, after which they wonder why they cannot find the right person. Sometimes they hide their negative attitude towards the world behind the masks of "diva", "know-it-all" or "stylish thing". Men do not refuse to have sex with them, but they are in no hurry to build relationships. " Exit? Get rid of masks urgently.

Who's guilty

The image of an iron lady who does not need anyone, or a victim who is not worthy of love - these are masks that you should part with without regrets and just understand that you are an ordinary girl striving for happiness. The second advice given by experts is to find a place for a man in your life. “It doesn't matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert - everyone wants a relationship,” says Devi Evseeva. - But it happens that it is more difficult for introverted girls to let a partner into their space. Once I asked a client who really wanted to find a man if there was a place for a loved one in her house. She resolutely answered “No!”, Because she has a small apartment and every thing should be in its place. “How will you live when a man appears?” I asked. “I’ll move to him,” was the answer. But if you don't have a place for him, why should he have a place for you? " Work on relationships should start with changes in personal space, personal not only in the meaning of "home", but also "soul".

My friend Olga took this path. At the age of 28, she found herself alone with a child, but did not rush headlong to look for a new man, but took a break to figure it out. It turned out that Olga was strangling her ex-wife with care and attention, making him the center of the universe and losing her own personality against his background. The man simply could not stand such a sacrifice. Now Olga deliberately avoids men, because she is trying to love herself, find hobbies, interests and favorite work. She is sure that she will want a relationship again when she is happy with her own life.

Someone will call it selfishness, but psychologist Natalya Georgieva strongly recommends not to confuse selfishness and self-sufficiency: “Self-love is not narcissism, but work on one's shortcomings. This is how an integral personality is formed, capable of adequately assessing its light and dark sides. " According to Natalia, having passed this path, a person becomes interesting to others. Paradox: people who truly love and value their loneliness are very rarely lonely.

Accept that conflicts are inevitable

A romantic candy-bouquet period in a relationship logically leads to the fact that lovers begin to live together. And when you found yourself in the same territory, pushed snowboards and mixers in the corners and determined a place for the "plasma", ordinary life began.

It is at this stage "we lived happily ever after" that all beautiful love stories end, but the most interesting thing begins: having occupied a common living space, you will begin to slowly find out who is responsible for leaking taps, clean floors, and delicious dinners. And we still have to agree on where you celebrate the main holidays, how you spend your vacation, how you treat guests. And, if there are already children (people with children after a divorce also meet love and get married, yes) - who and when picks them up from kindergarten schools.

“Getting used to it means creating a family frame, which is built from rituals, common habits, agreements and understanding what is permissible in your relationship and what is not,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina and warns that on average this process can take about a year. For so long, also because many couples may unconsciously resist the lifestyle changes they are used to.

Resolve conflicts yourself

If in a romantic relationship people are trying very hard to show themselves from their best side, then, having settled in the same apartment, it becomes difficult for them to hide their flaws. It turns out that it is doubly pleasant to note that the partner is also imperfect: anyone can throw socks around the apartment, regardless of gender.

Quarrels and reproaches begin. And not only for everyday reasons: it may suddenly turn out that he likes to spend quiet weekends at home, and she wants to meet friends, go to nature or go to the cinema.

Nadezhda Kuzmina shares her observation: "A rather simple feature of the Russian mentality hinders calmly resolving conflicts and dotting the i's: people are too accustomed to seeking advice from relatives and friends, instead of discussing the problem with each other."

Not only can a stranger, in principle, not give advice on how to solve your problem, constant complaints about a partner to friends or relatives form the opinion that he is a terrible person, and your relationship consists only of scandals.

Therefore, the solution is simple: agree that your task as a couple is to learn and, if possible, accept each other's habits without involving third parties.

Don't compete with each other

Living together is always a search for a compromise. Mature partnerships, in fact, are built on the fact that two adults can agree. “In many couples, there is competition, most often hidden, for the right to be considered“ in charge of the house ”. But, being in a constant struggle for power, it is difficult to create a comfortable, secure relationship, ”says Nadezhda Kuzmina.

How is this rivalry manifested? In small details, words, actions, the purpose of which is to belittle the partner, by himself standing out against his background. Women can skillfully use reproaches for their partner's inattention: “Well, how did you go for groceries, you forgot to buy milk! And I asked for a powder cleaner, not a liquid one! " Men are no less insidious, they find sophisticated ways to hint at the inefficiency or lack of femininity of their partner: "Mom made soup not just with meat, but with meatballs!"

It seems to many that they have already become so close, so they can safely tell each other "the whole truth." But closeness is about respect, support, understanding. And not about "hurray, finally you can no longer stand on ceremony!"

If you say to each other: "Next time, please buy some milk" or "Prepare for me somehow" - there will be much fewer reasons for quarrels.

Learn to ask

By the way, there is such a tradition - to keep silent about your desires, like a partisan during interrogation, and wait for the partner to guess and fulfill them. Yes, for some reason many are so used to it. Maybe the Soviet past is to blame, when asking for something, especially for yourself, was considered selfishness and shamelessness. But what kind of shamelessness is it to say: "It is very important for me to get enough sleep on the day off, could you not make noise until 10 in the morning"?

Those days are long gone. “It is important to be able to talk about what you expect from your partner. And even more important is to be able to cope with the fact that he may refuse this request, ”says Nadezhda Kuzmina. Although it is unlikely that a loved one will laugh at the request: fulfilling it is the easiest way to express your concern.

Save your habits

The creation of common family traditions and habits is, in fact, the main goal of this complex process of getting used to each other. However, getting used to it does not mean merging into one whole.

If your beloved man is fond of football, this is not a reason to buy a cheerleader's jersey and watch matches together, if you are really genuinely perplexed at the sight of players running across the field. If the woman you love loves to dance, and you feel like a tree next to her, you better wish her to find a more talented partner.

Keeping your life separate from your partner, with your interests and circle of friends, is very good for relationships. And this also indicates that each in a pair has clearly defined boundaries that allow them to maintain their uniqueness, integrity. After all, we are loved precisely for who we are.

Nadezhda Kuzmina

psychologist

And, most importantly, remember that life together consists of very, very simple things: prepare food, wash the dishes, go to the store together, put the children to bed. So the secret to long-term happiness, one might say, is to make these little things as comfortable as possible for each other.

He is cohabitation, every year it is gaining popularity among residents of large cities. Living together without officially registering a relationship has its pros and cons. It can be seen as a rehearsal for family life, an experience, a test of feelings, or the most convenient option for a relationship. Among couples in which both a man and a woman have already been in the role of spouses, a civil marriage is a kind of symbol of tranquility. He becomes a conscious choice of two, familiar with the intricacies of family life. What about girls who decide to live with a guy for the first time? What to expect from a new experience, and what pitfalls will be encountered along the way? We share our experience.

Underwater rocks

The first months will be especially difficult: you will get to know the person again. Say goodbye to the idealized image and get ready to accept the person for who they are, without romantic embellishments.

Flaws

Your boyfriend is not perfect. It is not difficult to guess this even before living together, but it will be possible to determine the scale of imperfection only in conditions of a merciless life. Prepare for special difficulties if the young man lived with his mother before. A guy spoiled in a family is used to the fact that everything in the house is done without his participation: the plate left on the table is washed by itself, the socks scattered in the corners are washed by themselves, and the food appears by itself.

Young people who have tasted the delights of living separately are more prepared for living together. Every bachelor knows how to serve himself at a primitive level. With a fortunate combination of circumstances, he has talents for cooking, cleaning and washing. For the first time, everyday little things will haunt you at every step: splashes of paste on the mirror, the floor in the corridor trampled by dirty shoes, crumbs in the kitchen, and maybe even in bed. As lucky as anyone! Do not despair. You can fight harmful addictions, the main thing is not to confuse them with innate character traits.

Deficiencies can also show up in a guy's habits. For example, a loud sneeze that sounds like thunder from an orchestra pit, from which the whole house shakes with you. Some voiceless men love to sing in the bathroom early in the morning, disturbing the sensitive sleep of the lady of the heart. Patience, you have a long job ahead of you.

Finance

In most cases, there are two issues of concern:

the girl earns more than the guy,
the guy's salary is higher than that of the girl.

You need to choose a convenient budget option based on the views of both partners:

The general budget - all the money is added up in one "heap", the costs are discussed in advance. The desires of both partners are taken into account. If this month the girl bought a handbag, then next month the guy will buy a prefix. No sexual privileges unless agreed upon beforehand. For example, guys spend less money on cosmetics than girls, this is their advantage. While a female representative replenishes supplies of lipstick, mascara and blush, the young man sets aside money to buy a laptop. But here's the bad luck: a girl can also dream of an expensive purchase, which she will not see in a similar situation. How to be? Explain to a man that cosmetics are among the essentials: she gives her a beautiful appearance, he - the opportunity to enjoy a lovely concubine.
Partially the total budget is the amount to pay for the apartment and general household expenses. It is divided equally. The couple disposes of the remaining money of their own free will.
One of the partners takes full responsibility for housing and household expenses. More often it turns out to be a man, but there are also business ladies who are ready. If a girl is financially dependent on a roommate, as a rule, she is engaged in all the household chores.

Couples starting to live together have a hard time managing the costs. Calculate a budget to resolve this issue. At first, accounting for purchases will provide invaluable help and save you from unnecessary quarrels.

Duties

There is one destructive stereotype in the minds of the overwhelming majority of men: housekeeping is a purely female business. Such an alignment is justified only in one case: when all financial obligations lie with the guy. If both work in a pair, then household chores are divided into two.

Girls in the very first weeks of life together make one fatal mistake: they try to play the role of an ideal hostess. What is the danger?

You will not have enough strength to cope with the harshly piled up responsibilities. Even an experienced hostess needs an assistant, what can we say about a girl taking the first steps in life together? Life will exhaust you and squeeze out all the juices of life.
The guy will get used to it and sit on his neck. If you don't teach a young man to help with the housework right away, then you won't be able to do it later. He will get used to the position of the "master" and will not want to part with it.

Traditionally, men are entrusted with taking out the trash, washing dishes, a simple part of cleaning, but in each pair, the division of duties is individual. Some roommates actively practice complete equality: everyone cooks for himself, cleans up after himself, washes his things.

Personal space

At first, partners think that spending 24 hours a day together is a dream and real happiness. After a couple of days / weeks, young people realize that they cannot do it. The desire for solitude is a natural desire that must not only be respected, but also done everything to fulfill it. Let each partner choose their territory for the rest. It's good if these are different rooms. And if not? Someone has a computer desk, and someone a sofa and a TV. Hobbies are also a sphere of personal interests, which should not be interfered with without a good reason. But don't go to extremes. Organize your time so that you can be together and relax separately.

Sex

Until a girl and a boyfriend live together, sex in 90% of cases has a planned nature. This is especially true for women. The realization that today the girl will stay with the guy alone and spend a stormy night with him is a psychological prelude.

When living together, sex takes on a spontaneous and at the same time compulsory character. It's hard for a girl to switch to an intimate mood after a working day and household chores. Sex loses its brightness. In especially difficult days (and the first months there will be many), sexual intimacy can also cause a feeling of disgust. Boys are not immune from this situation either. In the conditions of a joint life, the physiological characteristics of partners are also revealed: one wants sex every day, the other once every three days.

Worldview

Each person is brought up and grows up in individual conditions, has a subjective experience and a system of views on the world. Conflicts can be different: atheist and believer, democrat and monarchist, Slavophil and Westernizer. But if global philosophical and political issues can be bypassed, then what to do with everyday troubles? The girl is a vegetarian, and the guy is a meat eater. The situation is not easy. But even in it you will have to look for a compromise that will solve the issue of cooking, smells and aesthetic tastes.

Prejudice

During their life together, young people will have to face personal prejudices and false ideas about civil marriage that wander among others.

Already married

Girls think living together is forever. In a couple of months or years, the guy will propose, they will play a wedding, have children and live together until old age. Alas, reality is different from a dream. and tend to disintegrate.

Still free

For a man, cohabitation is the ghost of freedom. You can always leave if something goes wrong.

Not serious

Civil marriage is considered to be. It's right. But cohabitation is an effective test that helps to make the right decision. Young people realize whether they are ready for marriage and family creation or not. This saves from the tragic mistakes common among hurried newlyweds.

Will not take as a wife

This stereotype rests on the idea of ​​a man as a lustful animal, eager for sex. Yes, some guys get one-sided benefits from cohabitation, but you should not judge all men by them.

Cradle of debauchery

You still condemn intimacy outside of marriage among the inveterate guardians of morality who grew up in the years of the USSR. But young people do not share such ideas. Despite this, on a subconscious level, young people may experience shame and actively fight against the prejudices imbedded by the older generation.

When solving difficulties, remember that it is impossible to remake another person for yourself. But it becomes a victim and it is also not worthwhile to load an unbearable burden on your shoulders. The purpose of lapping is to make living together comfortable. Over time, you adapt to new roles and conditions, find a common rhythm and points of contact.