Loneliness in the family is a way out. What does it mean to be single in marriage? Maybe the relationship has outlived itself or, having gone through difficulties, they will become stronger

Womlife

Once you stood in the registry office in the face of a polite registrar. Then it seemed to you that the white streak in life was just beginning. You thought you were connecting life with a person who would share with you happy moments, difficulties and personal interests. But what is happening today?

You come home from work morally tired and wait for the support of your loved one. You want to hear at least a few kind words addressed to you, to distract yourself from thoughts about the accumulated problems. But every day your husband finds a reason not to pay attention to you. Meetings with friends over a beer, social networks, car repairs, computer games or the banal "I'm tired and want to be alone with myself."And you are all waiting. You are waiting for your husband to agree to watch a movie with you in the evening, to walk together, sometimes you have to beg him to allocate at least two hours a week for you. Marriage becomes a formality, but in fact - a woman feels lonely being married.

The question arises. How is such a life different from the one given to free women? The difference lies in two important points. And both of them are not in favor of married ladies.

First, a woman who gets married rightly expects to receive at least love, attention and support from marriage. The rest of the advantages (solving material problems, stability, status, respect, the opportunity to raise children in a favorable atmosphere) can be regarded as a pleasant addition to marriage, but not always necessary. But love, attention and support are the foundation of a family. Without them, a man and a woman are only two people living in the same house.

A free woman chooses her position voluntarily. She can strive for a career, money, independence. She may hate serious relationships. But such a woman does not carry the burden of disappointment from unfulfilled hopes. And a married woman is forced to endure what she initially did not agree to. She expected love and attention, but did not receive them. The result is loneliness.

Second, marriage imposes additional responsibilities on women. Especially for those who already have children. When a woman does not see her husband's enthusiasm (or even the slightest desire) in doing household chores and raising children, she feels bitter resentment. After all, a woman is aware of an internal imbalance: she gives much more than she receives. The reason is the spouse's indifference to the family.

The situation described above can be termed briefly - "loneliness in marriage."

What to do? Continue to suffer quietly, persistently demand attention from your husband, or take a radical step in the form of divorce? Everything depends on you.

Option 1. Leave everything as it is.

Suitable for women who are strong, independent, purposeful, with many interests and friends.

Perhaps personal relationships are not the main thing in life for you. And you got married not because of strong love, but rather according to calculation (to solve material problems, give birth and raise children in a family, and so on) or for status. Then you better not interfere with the course of events.

Let your husband live his life. Do not demand attention to yourself, but take care of your own life. Build a career, meet friends, explore new areas of knowledge, raise children, travel. Act like you're not married at all. Within reasonable limits, of course. This is not about cheating on your spouse or spending family money right and left.

As a rule, men respect cheerful women who lead an active lifestyle and are not obsessed with family responsibilities. Most likely, the husband will soon get bored and he himself will begin to take the initiative in relation to you.

Option 2. Break the relationship.

In a situation of loneliness in marriage, it is especially difficult for "traditional" women. That is, to natures soft, feminine, dependent, economic, for whom the family plays a huge role in life. If you belong to this category of women (sorry for this conventional division), understand one cruel fact. You will never be happy in a "lonely" marriage. Never.

Any attempts to attract attention to yourself, to force a man to spend time together will turn out that you will tire both yourself and your beloved. At first, the husband will agree. But he will do it more out of a sense of family duty, and not out of love and a passionate desire to be with you. Over time, a man gets tired of making concessions. He begins to consider his wife a boring bore, a burden, an enemy of personal time. As a result - quarrels, betrayal or absolute indifference, and again - loneliness.

Continuing to endure is also not an option. You will always miss warmth and affection. Feeling lonely over the years can turn you into a bitch. You need it? Moreover, there is a considerable chance of changing your life for the better - to meet exactly your person (this may well be, it is much more real than you think, it comes of itself as soon as you start to feel happy, free and self-sufficient), realize yourself in a career, in raising children, traveling, self-improvement and other aspects of life. It is no secret that there are many women who feel much happier after a divorce than when they are married.

Of course, every woman deep down hopes that she can change a loved one. Hope dies last. Women believe that patience can solve any personal problem. And patience really helps to avoid quarrels, but they don't make them happier.

If you are a romantic and sensitive woman, for whom a warm family hearth is much more important than some kind of career and other pragmatic goals, look for a man who shares your values. There is no need to spend precious years of your life on an egoist who ruins you with his indifference (unless, of course, you are completely and completely sure that the problem is in your man, and not in yourself, because it happens that women do not "pamper" too much their men with care and female affection, but now not about that).

There is a well-known practice - to divide a sheet of paper, and on the one hand, write down all the negative aspects that you see during a divorce - raising children, the financial side, the status of a married woman, and others. And on the other hand, the positive that you gain at the same time - freedom from painful relationships, opening horizons of self-realization, the opportunity to meet your true love or just a person who shares your views on life and relationships of loved ones, with whom you will feel comfortable going through life. Then "weigh" each position depending on its importance to you, place its specific weight (for example, in percent) in front of each item - and make a decision based on this analysis.

Perhaps you do not classify yourself as one of the above categories of women. Nevertheless, you still tend more towards certain values: career-independence-being in demand as a person or family-everyday life-home comfort. Look deep into your soul, how do you see your future life in the event of a divorce, but what about the preservation of the marriage? Does she scare or inspire you? Are you feeling relieved and open to new events and changes, or oppressed and confused? The era of dependent women is long gone, and stereotypes are rather blurred today, society accepts any outcome of events, so the main reference point is only your well-being, mental balance. Understand that loneliness is your problem, the solution of which depends on you, and not on your husband, and finding a harmonious life situation is now your task. Life is impetuous, it's time to live now, and not hope for better times, to breathe in all its charms with a full breast. Make a wise decision.

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What do THEY (men) think? Roughly and clearly - about partners for the long term and sex at one time ... It turns out that they are looking for a friend in a woman, endowed with intelligence and a sense of humor. It turns out that the girl's erudition, curiosity is important to them, so that it is interesting with her, which makes the relationship strong.

Video - a man's view of relationships or "how to tie a man to yourself?":

Marriage Problems - Who Needs Them? All these quarrels and showdowns, swearing every evening ... Isn't it easier to live parallel lives? To share only joy - going to the cinema, vacations, visiting friends. And everyday life, problems at work, a bad mood - let each one cope with this separately. You can divide the territory, for example, in a guest marriage. But many people manage to live separately in the space of one apartment. To do this, it is enough to come home from work and bury everyone in their computer. But no family squabbles. Unfortunately, the seeming absence of problems leads to an even greater problem - being alone together.

"We have a free union - my boyfriend and I do not go into each other's souls, do not" load "experiences. We cut off all general expenses in half, but in general we have a separate budget. On weekends we sometimes go to the movies and see friends together, but we often rest and separately, "says a young woman who works as a translator.

Can such a union be called proximity? Partners do not trust each other with their experiences, they keep money in separate bedside tables, and even often spend time separately. Is it a union at all? You can, of course, argue that young people just want to preserve their personal space. But in this story, there is no common space at all - only personal, when people live parallel lives.

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The fact is that the need for emotional closeness with another person is genetically inherent in us. Neurophysiologists have discovered a special area in the brain that is responsible for this area. But the human need for unlimited freedom and separation, if it is expressed in extreme forms - to disperse, disperse to the rooms, "not to climb into each other's soul", this is not a real need, but psychological protection. Close contact brings not only joy, but also many inconveniences - here and quarrels, the feeling "he / she does not understand me", sometimes even pain and despair, and the fear of parting, which may well come true. To avoid these troubles, people declare themselves to be cats walking by themselves.

What is fraught with such a way out? People who are afraid of contact are visible to the naked eye. They are very critical - sometimes to the point of causticity, they know everything about everyone, they see through everyone. More precisely, it seems so to them. The fact is that when a person is removed from any close relationship, he ceases to directly experience and feel life, but only analyzes what is happening on a rational level. But since it is impossible to understand the nature of human life by "rationality" alone, the critic is not as far-sighted as he thinks. He has few or no friends - the soulless critic is ill-suited to the role of a friend. In addition, a person who does not feel well the emotions of others easily hurts them with a careless word.

Restless and fussy mother of the family, who worries about her husband and children every minute; a closed and dryish bachelor, diligently doing his job, but all day long may not say two words with colleagues, stylishly dressed and sharp-tongued lady-careerist who loves to gossip, but does not tell anything about herself - they all can be people in case, afraid of close contacts.

On this basis, phobias can even arise - from the fear of public speaking and open spaces to the simple fear that acquaintances will condemn you for your eyes. The less we practice sincere communication, the more we fear it. Lack of communication leads to a lack of understanding of people, and what is incomprehensible seems intimidating. Communication at work, unfortunately, does not help - at the service people function in certain assigned roles. Openness comes from couples or close friendships.

It will be superfluous to say that a couple created on the principle of "we do not climb into each other's soul" is fragile. Partners gradually cease to feel and understand each other. Recently one of the most beautiful couples of modern show business broke up - Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci. The couple lived for 11 years in a guest marriage and claimed that this saves their union from everyday life and preserves the acuteness of feelings. But, apparently, this is not what the couple needs. The daily routine may not be tiring, but it may be bonding between spouses. It is worth looking at newlyweds: for most of them, going to the store together or choosing new furniture for the living room is a holiday, and not a burdensome duty. It's not about the form, but the content of the relationship. But at a distance, filling them with at least some kind of content becomes difficult.

If your family is talking about traveling and a guest marriage, or you just have a desire after work to disperse from room to room and sit in your own Facebook account, you need to urgently return emotional closeness to the couple. This is done simply - you need to communicate with each other in private. If both partners are busy, it is worth setting aside special time for communication. Half an hour before going to bed, fifteen minutes in the morning ... Even a five-minute call in the middle of the working day can radically change the situation - provided that the communication is not formal, but real. Talk about interesting things that happened during the day, what you liked and what didn't, what worries or makes you happy. It so happens that a couple stops communicating when the relationship has worsened and both are overwhelmed with emotions. At such moments, it will be useful to keep a diary where both will write down what tears them apart from the inside. Sometimes correspondence helps - in a letter it is easier to express what is painful without hurting another, to weigh what has been said.

Of course, you can choose the escape route from problems and still “divide the territory”. But remember: solitary confinement is not in vain considered the most severe form of punishment. Why voluntarily condemn yourself to this?

Practical Japanese people have come up with a form of relationship that fulfills this request and called it "guest marriage."

LIVE GORGEOUS, RELAX TOGETHER

What has this formula led to? More loneliness. The clever Japanese did not take into account two fundamental foundations of the human psyche. Firstly, this is the need for closeness and unity with another person, which is genetically inherent in us. Neurophysiologists have proven that our brains have special neurons for this. And secondly, the fact that the modern human need for "freedom" and "separation" is not a real need, it is just a consequence of the desire to avoid pain and all kinds of fears of contact.

Sartre said: “Hell is others. But paradise too. " People hurt each other a lot, but they also bring joy and happiness. You cannot shield yourself from bad emotions by creating distance and expanding your boundaries. This is a total delusion. Moreover, if a person is not in constant close contact with other people, over time, gradually and imperceptibly, he becomes more suspicious and intimidated. Even if this contact is a conflict, it is still vital for us.

A loved one should be near and available, otherwise we will start talking to ourselves, with the computer, having fun taking care of cats and dogs, and having discussions with the TV. And this is not the worst consequence of the lack of intimacy. The fear of contact becomes the most terrible - the less close communication with people we have, the more we are afraid of them. This fear, growing gradually and imperceptibly, turns into a phobia or panic attack, when a person simply cannot leave the house, experiencing attacks of panic and suffocation. All people are seen as enemies and persecutors who secretly want to do evil. And even if they are smiling with full mouth, then their malicious intentions are all the more obvious. Further, the neighbors become enemies, who for some reason come out at night with suitcases, talking in a whisper - "aren't they carrying corpses in them ?!" The TV seems to be exuding harmful vibes, and the cat is probably an alien or a vampire. And just recently, you talked to a cat, and now you are afraid to speak in front of him, so that he does not think something bad about you!

You can brush it off - such problems exist only among non-working people or those who communicate little. But no. A person who actively works, but does not have constant close contact, emotional interaction, just like a stay-at-home, is prone to mania and phobias. At work, we function within a given framework. And only marriage gives an opportunity to open up. Of course, if the partners themselves do not turn it into functionality, replacing communication with sessions on Facebook or sitting in front of the TV. Technical means are invented to make life easier, not replace it. For example, many advanced people no longer use mobiles and computers outside of working hours, realizing that communication with loved ones is important not only for psychological, but also for physical health.

SENSITIVE ANALYZERS

People living in different cities or in guest marriages are visible to the naked eye. They are withdrawn, detached and very critical. It seems to them that they know everything about everyone. Meanwhile, it only seems to them. When a person is removed from a loved one for a long time, he stops worrying, feeling life, becomes an analyzer - an observer, plunges into information flows, leaving emotional ones. He ceases to hear himself and others, he lives only by one concepts, be it positive thinking or the rule "Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask!".

In addition to all kinds of fears, we have a need to unite and trust; many careerists have been able to create financial independence, but it is not equal to emotional independence. To some extent depending on our loved ones, we create a single whole with them. Remember, in The Hitch Method, The Rules of Removal, a lovemaking professional reassures his client with the words that "everything will pass and be forgotten and you will be free again." And the client protests, parrying that he wants to depend, wants to wait, to worry, to be in a tight bundle. This is the beauty of life, the beauty of relationships. We ourselves choose those on whom we depend and who will depend on us.

SUITCASE WITHOUT HANDLE

Intimate relationships between people go through three stages:

1. We look at each other.

2. We look in one direction, we go towards a common goal.

3. We look in different directions, opening new worlds to each other.

People prefer not to reach the third stage of the relationship, believing that the partner inhibits their personal development. This is a total modern delusion - on very rare occasions. close person prevents us from growing. As a rule, it is we who do not participate in its growth, and one fine day we wake up as strangers and decide to live separately. But, fearing to be lonely, we do not part at all. So for each other we turn into a suitcase without a handle - it's hard to carry, and it's a pity to leave. Once people in love become unbearable for each other. And sometimes they immediately decide to enter into an open relationship, not giving themselves and their partner a chance for true intimacy and happiness.

With the development of society and the emergence of economic independence in European and Western countries, the level of tolerance and acceptance falls in direct proportion. The less people depend on each other financially, the less they are ready to make concessions, accept and forgive. Hiding behind the shield of psychology, we blame the parents for complexes and failures, and partners for dissatisfaction. We are so afraid of pain that we try to distance ourselves. But doesn't loneliness hurt?

"SELF-THERAPY" RELATIONSHIP

If you have thoughts about separation, separation and guest marriage - it's time to prevent emotional closeness. It is foolish to think that everything will happen by itself. It won't happen. Understanding and closeness need to be created, like so many things in our life. So, without playing sports and eating everything in a row, the once slender girl realizes in an instant that she has gained ten kilograms. Even what is given by nature must be supported.

Maintaining a relationship is easy - you need to communicate. If you are very busy, set aside special time for this. If emotions go off scale, you can keep a joint diary and write to each other what you are afraid to say. Speak and write down your emotions and try to understand your partner. Really want to understand it, feel it.

Do not harbor negative feelings, do not carry it to third parties, but resolve the situation by speaking out your dissatisfaction with your partner. This will save you from many other people's projections, which in 99% of cases are hung by advisers who have nothing to do with your individual situation.

Sometimes we should remember that the worst punishment is solitary confinement. So why punish yourself arbitrarily, and most importantly - for what?

GADGETS INSTEAD OF LOVE

An interesting picture is observed in London, New York and already in Moscow. Hundreds of lonely people sit in cafes, airports and subways with laptops, tablets, phones. They do not see each other, do not even try to solve the problem of their loneliness, plunging into the web of the Net. It is even more scary to see how mother, father and son, being nearby at the airport, plunge head over heels into their gadgets. And if a child suddenly asks for something, they get annoyed with him. Communication between them is limited to the words "let's go", "give", "and where is it?" They don't look you in the eye, they don't touch each other, they stuff themselves with tons of unnecessary information, like starving children with candy. And they don't even notice that they are fed up with unnecessary news and facts.

True love is not burning, unstoppable, there is no place for coquetry and hypocrisy in it. True love is mutual understanding, mutual sacrifice, mutual assistance ... When young people meet for the first time, a feeling of love is born between them. In order for love to grow into true Love, you need to work a lot on yourself. When there is love, everything around is colored with kindness, sensuality, tenderness ... And how good it is when, 60 years later, “young love” is present in the family.

But in our time, you rarely meet a spouse who would carry love through their whole life. Unfortunately, this wonderful, wonderful, unforgettable feeling disappears very quickly. In general, the current attitude towards marriage has radically changed from the attitude of our grandfathers and great-grandfathers towards it, even closer - from the attitude of our parents. After six months of living together, selfishness and selfishness appear; the impression is that the world revolves around one person. In the first place are not the needs of the family, but their own whims, deeds - their "I".

Close people slowly move away, become strangers to each other. A smile, tender thoughts, hugs, a loving look disappear from the life of a family ... But irritation and tolerance come. This is terrible! After all, everything started so well, and it seemed that all these colors of feelings will always remain ... But a thoughtless word, deed, hostile opinion kill the sprouts of Love. Two people form their own world, into which each other is not allowed. A man watches TV in one room, and a woman goes about her business in another. Trust, a sense of reliability, security, and sincerity are lost.

The birth of the first child is another test of the strength of feelings. The woman is tired, exhausted and asks her husband to help, but in return she hears a cold and carelessly thrown: “I am tired at work. Do I have the right to rest? " What a disappointment! Could she have thought that one day she would hear this from a loved one ?! After all, he gave a promise to be near “in joy, and in sorrow, and in illness” ... Where did the tenderness and care go?

And so all my life, admitting small insults and unacceptable mistakes regarding a loved one, a man and a woman become lonely from loved ones. Children grow up, leave the parental home, creating their own families. And a married couple is left alone with their loneliness. And this stage is the most difficult. After all, there are no more kids who need supervision and care, alienation reigns in the house, and a question arises that is so difficult to answer: “Where have our feelings gone? When and on what did we waste them? " It is at this moment that it is important to stop and think: "If I fell in love with this woman and she is with me now, I must fix everything."

We must learn to listen to each other, consult each other in order to come to a common opinion! After all, two people cannot make decisions or understand something completely in the same way. The Lord made us different - we must remember this. And we must learn to hear each other.

It is very important to support and respect your soul mate. Self-sacrifice should come first. For the sake of your beloved and the little happiness that she holds in her arms, you can postpone your vacation for later and devote yourself to your loved ones! This act will bring souls closer together much faster. Then a woman, seeing the self-sacrifice of a man, will try to be gentle, affectionate and patient with him, despite fatigue and sleepless nights.

A man should never demonstrate that a woman is below him, but, unfortunately, this happens in families. And this is another reason why the connection between loving people is lost. Indeed, instead of support, a woman receives humiliation and disappointment. The husband is the main one in the family, but it is unacceptable to show his power and despotism, especially on a person close to you.

An integral part of family life is prayer for each other. Indeed, during a sincere prayer for a loved one, peace comes to our hearts, we are no longer angry, but we beg the Almighty to give us the idea of \u200b\u200bhow to get out of a misunderstanding without offense and shouting, and most importantly, that the Lord would send peace to our beloved half. Usually, after a sincere and kind conversation, agreement comes, and loving hearts become much closer and more tender towards each other.

Therefore, we will try not to make fatal mistakes, we will forgive, support each other, give our warmth, smile, tenderness, prayer and a wonderful feeling called love !!! Then no problems, negative experiences and mistakes will be scary for two. loving hearts.

Often there comes a moment when a person is surrounded by close people, and, nevertheless, there is loneliness in the family, because everyone is practically on his own. This situation is so widespread in our time that it is not surprising. For example, each of the household members is in his room, or in some personal corner, and is busy with his own business. In such a situation, there may be a feeling that a person is happy, around it is cozy and calm, because everyone is at home, passionate about their favorite activities, which means that everything is fine. At the same time, there are also many common interests, these are visits to friends, trips to museums, to the dacha, various discussions of events attended jointly, and so on.

However, this feeling of absolute idyll can be disturbed by feelings such as longing and a sense of loneliness in the family. According to many psychologists, this type of loneliness can be considered a problem in the workaholic modern society, and it is not so easy to get rid of it. Indeed, loneliness is now a disease of the modern world. Moreover, people are scattered, and many live on their own, detached. It is believed that humanity itself has created such a disease, because everyone is able to become an individual at will without hindrance. It is especially difficult when mutual interest in the family, in marriage disappears.

Why is mutual interest lost?

When starting a family, many believe that marriage will help them eliminate the problem of loneliness. But in practice, it turns out that even in a large family, you can continue to feel lonely. Statistics confirm that in modern families you will not surprise anyone with a lack of communication, although, theoretically, close people should always support each other in a difficult situation, empathize and help in every way. But, often a loved one behaves indifferently, and why this happens, experts in the field of psychology are trying to find out.

Although many people suffer from loneliness in the family, it should be noted that this feeling comes gradually. The spouses have the confidence that they, as before, love each other, and meanwhile, over time, they are less and less interested in each other and pay attention. The modern world sets new priorities, and therefore personal relationships are pushed into the background, and the main thing is the material support of the family. The head of the family devotes all his strength to professional activities, and at home he no longer wants to discuss his problems.

As for the woman, she is loaded with household chores, taking care of children takes a huge place in her life, and it is not surprising that her husband's problems cease to interest her. From a certain point in family relationships, there is a lack of agreement, resentment, alienation is growing. Tellingly, each of the spouses believes that they do not understand him, and feels lonely.

The main problem of communication

There comes a period in a person's life when he has problems with communication in the family. It turns out that people are not able to express their feelings, and in addition, they also do not want to hear the problems of another person. And at the same time, it is extremely important not only to be heard, but also to understand the mood of loved ones yourself, to try to show participation. But, why in the beginning everything is cloudless in a relationship, and only after a while, sometimes, even after years, does loneliness in a prosperous family still make itself felt? Choosing a life partner, making an independent decision, many are sure that in the future they will be able to remake their other half, that is, simply adjust for themselves, and these intentions can be considered a serious mistake.

Psychologists say that you should not waste time to re-educate someone, it is better to spend it on the right choice. And even more so, one should not expect that it is possible to make one of the family members ideal by constantly condemning.

There is one more reason, quite significant, according to experts, which contributes to the separation of family members from each other and, as a result, loneliness. These are the Internet, social networks and various blogs. It happens that one of the spouses prefers to communicate virtually, because you can take a fictitious name for yourself, and at the same time, remain yourself, express your own thoughts sincerely. As you know, a person begins to feel lonely if he does not have the opportunity to be absolutely frank in communication. The Internet is capable of correcting this shortcoming, and therefore it is becoming desirable.

Fear of being honest

Very often it is not possible to be frank in the family circle, since sometimes the consequences are undesirable, and later, on the basis of his expressed opinions, the household gets reproaches, or people draw the wrong conclusions. In addition, it is common for a person to fear being misunderstood by those closest to him, which sometimes leads to a deterioration in relations, or even to the collapse of the family. All of this contributes to a slow but steady build-up of feelings of loneliness.

It is important that there are common interests in the family that unite the spouses. But it often happens that living in marriage and already having children, people do not spend leisure time together, or it is minimal. If earlier the spouses liked some kind of joint recreation, over time it ceased to seem interesting and pleasant, and it is not always possible to find an alternative option. In this regard, a woman has her own, separate interests, a man also has his own hobbies, and nothing connects them, loneliness in the family sets in. This condition is exacerbated if one of the couple cannot perceive himself as a person, to a certain extent dependent on the partner. In such a situation, only personal desires are paramount, and the opinion of one's “other half” is ignored.