Problems of family living of the elderly and old people. Features of the family life of the elderly

11.6. Participation in educational programs for the elderly Foreign psychologists have revealed a relationship between the level of education, the degree of involvement in the educational process and life expectancy. It has been shown that the renewal of knowledge in old age

12.4. The relationship of older people with relatives Statistics show that about half of older people have adult children aged 45-50 years. This significantly affects their relationship. We can talk about equal interaction between adults, which

12.7. Loneliness of elderly people A sign of old age is the loneliness of many elderly people both in the physical sense (the old people are left alone, without a family), and in the psychological sense (the feeling of being unnecessary to the family, society). The data of V.N. Skryl (2002) show that individuals

12.2. Old women usually slander and grind the bones of the young about the elderly. Card games with nothing to do are also popular, but most of all it is more pleasant to sit and gossip "over a glass". Women lag behind a little in this, and in terms of the consequences of "rest" more often than frequent and surpass

347. I will not go to a brass band concert, because this is for the elderly. Intention: do you think that you will not like it there? It is worth checking. Redefinition: yes, there are few schoolchildren, but ... Separation: went there before intermission. And if you like it, we'll stay.

Typology of relationships between elderly spouses. The family is the cultural universal of the world. For different countries, peoples and times, this is the way of organizing personal life, this particular social institution is characteristic. When a family breaks up, the connection of times breaks up, because the family ensures the continuity of human development. All of its functions are aimed at maintaining continuity: reproductive - at the continuation of the human race; socialization of the child, the establishment of moral imperatives, preserves and develops human culture; satisfaction of family material needs creates the main incentive for economic reproduction.

However, each nation has its own history and its own specifics of organizing family life. The modern family is a product of long evolution while maintaining national traditions. To understand today's collisions in the family as a social institution is possible only through the knowledge of its historical characteristics and the society in which it developed. On the other hand, it is also impossible to comprehend the Russian national character without understanding the history of family mores and ways. The roots of many social institutions and the keys to explaining the unique flavor of Russia are found in the history of the family.

Consider the history of a Russian family over the past 100-150 years. During this historically short period of time, the Russian family from a traditionally peasant family (according to the 1897 census, 106 million out of 125 million of the population of Russia are peasants) transformed into a modern, predominantly urban, family. The way of family life has changed: from patriarchal to biorhatic.

The rural peasant life of the 19th century, with its rituals and customs, kept the absolute majority of the population under its cultural auspices. To some extent, the Russian aristocracy was an exception. The peasant family in its culture and way of life was sharply different from the aristocratic, oriented towards Western Europe. The watershed ran through the psychological makeup of the personality: the peasant was characterized by attachment to the community, to the family, while the aristocrats were characterized by European individualism. But being compatriots who adhered to the same religion, the same traditions, they had a lot in common. At the head of the Rostov family, like any peasant family, is the father, who disposes of everything and determines everything in the house. The power of the head of the family passed from father to son or brother, that is, the inheritance of power in both the peasant and the royal family followed the same pattern.

The historian and ethnographer I. Zabylin, a collector of descriptions of Russian legends, customs and rituals, wrote: "... the Slavs always revered their elders. The head of the family was the ancestor or father. The wife, children, relatives and servants obeyed this chapter unquestioningly" ("Russian people"). Perhaps that is why totalitarianism and its variety - barracks socialism, with their indispensable interference in personal life, with collective farms and communal dwellings, had fertile soil and relatively easily (relative to the countries of Eastern Europe) took root in the Russian expanses.

Our historical excursion should explain why families of older people more often gravitate towards the authoritarian type and rarely towards the egalitarian one. Of course, not only age characteristics determine the type of family. The latter develops under the influence of a number of signs: territorial (city or village), ethnic, property, dependent on the educational and cultural level, the presence or absence of children, the psychological characteristics of the spouses, family experience and other attendant circumstances.

It is important to emphasize a fact that has not been noted by anyone before in the dialectic of the development of family forms. Urbanization has significantly modernized the family: children and parents live in different houses, and sometimes in different cities, but there are strong ties and mutual assistance between them. The very concept of the family has changed, due to the change in its structure. Nowadays, a family is not only people living under one roof. Modern transport, telephone and other means of communication, the media have created the possibility of a new type of family associations. Living at a distance from each other, people perceive themselves as members of one large family, which includes several nuclear families. The family has become multinuclear; this is a new stage in the development of the old social institution - the family.

Family sociologists have worked out in detail the problems of the youth family, to a lesser extent, middle-aged families, but they almost did not touch upon the problems of the elderly family. Demographics show that the rate of divorce depends on the age of the spouses. It usually peaks between the ages of 20 and 30, and the minimum at ages over 50. The influence of the age of the spouses as a factor in the stabilization of marriage is closely intertwined with the duration of the marriage: the maximum of divorces occurs in the first 5-10 years, the minimum is approaching zero when the duration of the marriage is 30 or more years. The theory of social distribution of roles asserts that among the dominant masculine qualities, the prohibition on the expression of feelings and emotional behavior, and inattention to health problems occupy a priority place. On the whole, however, the concept of masculinity always contains the motive of "anti-femininity." With age, masculine qualities fade, the fear of femininity loses its former rigidity, along with this the opposite of male and female roles recedes. Spouses acquire a common language, become relatives not by blood, but by long years lived, by way of life and thought, by views, habits and tastes. Even in former conflict families, strife subsides. Relationships between elderly spouses can serve as the best example illustrating the theory of symbolic interactionism: every movement, gesture, facial expression carries a meaning that is understandable to both sides of communication. Each of the spouses is able to predict alternative behavioral reactions of the other and to model their own behavior.

But it would be a misconception to believe that for older partners, marital shoals and reefs are behind them. Neither age nor family history provides guarantees of peace and harmony. Leo Tolstoy fled from Sofya Andreevna at the age of 82, having lived with her for 48 years. Another misconception is that in old age there is no need for adaptation, as some authors argue (E.A. Yakuba. Sociology. Kharkov, 1996). In old age, under the influence of subjective and objective circumstances, there are partial, quite natural impairments in vision, hearing, taste sensations, slowing down of reactions, changes in appearance, gait, etc. All this is reflected in the character and demeanor. To himself, a person may seem to have changed little, while a partner fixes all these changes and he needs efforts to adapt to new situations.

We propose the following typology of relationships between elderly spouses: coexisting partners, competing partners, friends in love.

Couples who live together as if out of habit, over a long life, have accumulated so many grievances against each other that under their burden the initial feeling that once united these people has been forgotten is the type of "coexistence". The spouses no longer "sort things out" because there is no relationship, they are absolutely indifferent to each other. How do these couples come about? Aristophanes, the creator of the myth of the two halves, explained through the mouth of Plato: they were not united by their halves and did not form a unity. Modern Platons give another explanation: they could not overcome the barriers of alienation, their aspirations, attitudes, characters turned out to be multidirectional.

The second type, "partners-competitors". These people once, in their young and mature years, were united by some common occupation, possibly a specialty. Together they formed a good tandem, moving up to the heights of a career. They constantly made sure that any work, including domestic work, was carried out on an equal footing. In old age, when career motives were a thing of the past, joint successes lost their value and only boredom from monotony remained, mutual reproaches for choosing an easier task for themselves, for violating the basic partnership agreement.

The third type, "friends in love". Relationships built on love and friendship that these people managed to carry through their whole lives. About such an elderly couple, Andre Maurois wrote: “Such spouses are not afraid of boredom ... Why? Because each of them knows so well what exactly might interest the other, because both have such similar tastes that the conversation between them never stops. A walk together for them is just as dear as hours of love visits were dear to them in their time ... Everyone knows that the other will not only understand him, but guesses about everything in advance. At the same time, both think about the same things . Each simply physically suffers because of the moral experiences of the other "(" Letters to a Stranger ").

II Mechnikov, on the basis of his own observations, noted that "longevity is often found in spouses who have nothing in common but a way of life" ("Studies of Optimism").

And one more interesting observation, confirmed by researchers from different countries from the Netherlands to Japan. The life expectancy of married men is longer than that of unmarried men, and that of unmarried men is longer than that of widowers. The mortality rate of married men from heart disease, cancer is two times lower than that of divorced men and, most surprisingly, four times lower from road accidents. Suicide is more than four times more popular among divorced people than married people.

Sexual relations after sixty. Sexology integrates a wide range of knowledge: medical, psychological, sociological, philosophical, historical, religious studies. Problems of sexual behavior, like other behavioral problems, are in the research field of philosophy and sociology. Suffice it to recall that the term sexology itself was introduced into scientific circulation by the Russian philosopher Vasily Rozanov. In our time, the most vivid scientific consideration of sexological problems can be found in the works of the famous philosopher Igor Kon. However, in the recent past, such problems have been "rooted out of the philosophical field." Neither the "Philosophical Encyclopedia" nor the "Philosophical Encyclopedic Dictionary" contains articles devoted to this problem. As, however, there is no corresponding article in the new dictionary: "Encyclopedic Sociological Dictionary".

In the minds of a huge number of people, especially the older generation, sex appears as something obscene, humiliating, with many taboos and false ideas. Christian morality and Soviet ideological attitudes have left their mark on their consciousness. Both are inherently antisexual: everything bodily for them is base, sinful, and does not correspond to the moral code. Sex is necessary only for procreation. In the literature and art of socialist realism, through the lips of women, the iron principle has always been preached: "First think about the Plan, and then about me." Moreover, the founders of scientific communism, far from being ascetics, were much more honest and, of course, smarter than their subsequent interpreters. F. Engels wrote about the immorality of any marriage that does not rest on mutual sexual love. The hypocritical-puritanical attitudes of the Christian Church and Soviet propagandists, being in mutual hostility, were united in one thing: sex life is incompatible with the self-realization of the individual in the world of work.

The difference between human sexuality and reproductive function in the animal world lies precisely in the socialization of this feeling, its separation from the original biological goal, in the transformation into a civilizational feature of man - the possibility of love between a man and a woman. Carl Jung, developing the concept of "unity", interpreted it as "running towards each other" of opposites. The product of bodily unity is sensory pleasure, which generates the unity of feelings and thoughts, which is the fundamental difference between biological reproductive performance and human sexuality. Spiritual communication can develop into bodily communication, while movement in the opposite direction is unlikely.

In the cultures of the world, love and sex are combined in different patterns, but they can all be reduced to two groups.

1. Sex is not opposed to love and is not identified with it, but form a unity. Such an integral, psychophysical model is inherent in most great cultures and some areas of Christianity.
2. Sex is opposed to love. In this version, love is always asexual, but from the opposition of sex and love, it is logically possible for the existence of not only love without sex, but also sex without love. It is not by chance that the theory of a glass of water appeared among the theoretical delights of the post-revolutionary period.

The history of the culture of sex and love gives an understanding of how and under what influence the views of the older generation on gender issues were formed. Of course, love is the highest of feelings, and it is not subject to religion and ideology, but to deny their influence is illogical. Older people are dominated by the belief that as soon as they are out of fertile age, then sex and love must be forgotten. They are "not for their age" for them, the writers already laughed a lot at the images of lustful old men. Based on opinion polls conducted in the late 1940s, the American professor Alfred Kinsey came to the conclusion that the majority of older people, especially those who do not have higher education, have misconceptions about these problems, suffer from complexes and prejudices that lead to tragic mistakes in the intimate sphere (see June M. Reinish, Ruth Beasley. "The Grammar of Love").

Each person, under the influence of upbringing, lifestyle, cultural and family traditions of his environment, genetic, hormonal and nervous qualities, develops his own, only inherent in him ideas about the nature and norms of sexual behavior. The dates of the beginning and end of sexual activity are individual. Moreover, physiological potencies are secondary to the emotional coloring of sexual experiences, which depends more on the relationship of partners, their ability to empathize, sociability, attachment to each other. Sexologists say that people with a normal sex life have emotional well-being, a strong immune system, a healthy heart and, as a result, live longer. The author, using a biographical approach, confirms this conclusion on the examples of the life of famous old people (the basis was a book built on documentary material, thirty-two researchers from the USA, Great Britain, France, Italy and Spain - "The Intimate Sex Life of Famous People").

Igor Kon in his book "Introduction to Sexology" cites data obtained by American gerontologists: "... although more than half of men and women stop having sex at about 60 years old, approximately 15% continue it even after 80 years." The cited results of surveys of older Americans allow us to draw some conclusions about changes in the nature of sexual relations in the second half of the 20th century. The modern elderly person leads a more intense sex life than his ancestors at the same age. The crisis of traditional religious prohibitions has separated the reproductive function from the sexual-erotic relationship.

However, the loss of interest in sex, integrated into love as a whole, does not mean a loss of interest in life, in the natural, only human need to love and be loved, and sex is only one of the manifestations of love.

Typology of relations between the elderly and their adult children.

This eternal theme that has existed since the emergence of human society has always been a double-edged sword for both sides of the conflict. Generations changed, children became fathers, and the discussion of this problem not only did not cease, but flared up with renewed vigor. I.S. Turgenev, having written the famous story, only reflected the existence of this topic for his time. After all, Cain did not yet understand the Creator. And the parable of the prodigal son? Tsars Ivan the Terrible, Great Peter and Catherine could not boast of mutual understanding with their heirs.

The famous Old Testament story tells of Noah's relationship with his sons Shem, Ham and Japheth. For his disrespectful attitude, Noah cursed Ham, and condemned his offspring to be slaves to his brothers. Rudeness is forever intertwined with slavery and servility. The lackey is obedient and submissive as long as he is in any kind of dependence, but as soon as he feels his independence, the mask of politeness and flattery breaks off. Ham gains strength, which he directs primarily against the weakened master.

The synonyms "disadvantaged" and "homeless" are now increasingly used for the elderly. But it is unlikely that it is only the size of the pension that makes them so; rather, it is their own children who do it. Who drove them out of the house? Or are all old people childless? Is it the only economic crisis that our society is experiencing today? If so, then one can hope for a quick and happy outcome from such a state. Much gloomier is the prospect of overcoming the moral crisis, which always has long and long-standing roots.

One of the eternal commandments, read by Moses on stone tablets, and repeated after one and a half thousand years by Jesus Christ, reads: "Honor your father and your mother, so that blessing will be and may you be long on earth." It is possible that this is the first recipe for longevity, and this is not about the longevity of parents, which must be understood by itself, but about the longevity of caring children.

Two types of attitudes towards the elderly can be distinguished: gerontophobia, or the "line of Ham," and gerontophilia, or the "line of Shem-Iafet." By which of the lines is dominant, one can judge who "runs the show" in society, humanists or humanoids - the latter "radically" solved the problems of the elderly - they simply ate them. The attitude of society towards its old people reflects the level of civilization of this society, which is responsible for the social, material, psychological, in a word, the comfortable state of elderly people. The social duty of young people is to smooth out, psychologically amortize the difficulties of the last stage of life. Support and respect from young people will be a preventive measure dictated by their desire to guarantee themselves a similar, prosperous autumn of life.

The relationship between children and parents (in our analysis: between adult children and elderly parents) can be classified according to the simplest but eternal basis - the relationship of kinship. In doing so, we distinguish four combinations: mother-daughter, mother-son, father-son, father-daughter.

Consider only gerontophilic options for relationships. Are they really so cloudless and conflict-free? There is a genetic memory, which suggests that in the past, the family was ruled by an older man, and all household life was ruled by an older woman. When considering the relationship "father-son" and "mother-daughter", one cannot fail to mention the opinion of Freudian psychologists about the Oedipus and Electra complexes. This old, subconscious rivalry between the son and the father and the daughter with the mother can persist throughout his life. In a man, until a late age, the same boy rebelles, who suppresses every feminine principle in himself and seeks to prove that he and his mother are not one. The existentialist J.-P. Sartre, on the contrary, believed that only those men who were never dominated by the heavy hand of their father became free and talented. "There are no good fathers - this is the law ..." (Words. Moscow, 1966).

The system of relations itself undergoes an involutionary change, there is a return to the past, but the parties at the same time change places - the younger ones begin to take care of the older ones. The elders do not always accept new conditions of the game and new roles, because having accepted them, they must, as it were, admit their defeat. The "castling" of the positions of senior and junior is fraught with various conflict situations. For the most part, elderly people resign themselves to a new twist of fate, obey and lose all independence, there is indecision, fear of confusing something. Perhaps this situation is as old as the world: even Plato was ironic about old people who "get used to being like a child and frightening their sons." To feel confident and collected, a person of any age needs self-control, but if someone else takes on this function, then both lose. In the land of Laputa, Gulliver met amazing inhabitants: everyone's heads were bowed to the right or left, one eye looked inward, the other - straight up, towards the zenith. Each noble Laputian was accompanied by a servant (in the native language - klaimenole) with a bubble filled with air. With these bubbles, they reminded the gentleman that he had to say hello, not bang his head on the post, not fall into the ditch. Sometimes adult children doom themselves to the role of klaimenole and turn their beloved old people into crooked Laput people. It makes no sense to try to isolate an elderly person from all affairs and troubles, from excitement and stress. Such concern turns into a spiritual tragedy for him. Participation in family life, feasible work gives confidence in their own usefulness. Guided by the philosophical aphorism of E. Fromm that in order to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first be able to love yourself, you should understand that an elderly person who has lost respect for himself loses respect for others.

Samara gerontologists have established an interesting fact: the state of health of elderly people living separately and independently, but not far (in the same settlement) from their relatives, is better than that of pensioners living with their children's families. Consequently, according to gerontologists, elderly people should take care of themselves for as long as possible and live separately ("The Popular Encyclopedia of the Elderly" / Edited by G.P. Kotelnikov and O. G. Yakovlev).

The gerontophilic hypothesis about the connection between longevity and high respect for the elderly in the family and society is supported by literally all gerontologists. It is precisely the sophisticated etiquette of honoring people who "advanced in years" that explains the phenomenon of mass longevity in a number of ethnic groups, including the North Caucasus.

Now the young are able to provide themselves financially, while the older generation receives a pension and other types of social assistance. All this contributes to the relative material independence of generations from each other. In this regard, the need for cooperation is reduced and thus family solidarity and mutual dependence are destroyed.

Currently, the process of dismemberment of a complex family is progressing, and this leads to the fact that more and more often we meet families consisting of one elderly married couple, however, after a certain time, as a result of the death of one of the spouses, the family ceases to exist, a “loner” appears. But before that, the family life of the old people continues, approaching their golden wedding, and they are more touching and reverent towards each other, there are more signs of attention.

With age, both spouses change: masculine qualities fade, the former attractiveness of the spouse disappears, the opposition of male and female roles becomes less and less noticeable. Spouses acquire a common language, become relatives not by blood, but by long years lived, by way of life and thought, by views, habits and tastes. Even in former conflict families, strife subsides. Each of the spouses is able to predict alternative behavioral reactions of the other and to model their own behavior. However, it would be a mistake to think that older spouses do not need to adjust to each other. In old age, under the influence of subjective and objective circumstances, there are quite natural deterioration in vision, hearing, taste sensations, slowing down of reactions, changes in appearance, gait, etc. All this is reflected in the nature and manner of behavior. To himself, a person may seem to have changed little, while the partner fixes all these changes and he needs efforts to adapt to new situations.

It also does not mean that the life of elderly spouses is always conflict-free. Neither age nor family history provides guarantees of peace and harmony. For example, Leo Tolstoy left Sofya Andreevna at 82, having lived with her for 48 years.

VD Alperovich (1998) proposed the following typology of relations between elderly spouses: coexists, partners-competitors, friends in love.

To type coexists There are couples who live together as if out of habit, over a long life they have accumulated so many resentments against each other that under their burden the original feeling that once united these people was forgotten. The spouses no longer sort things out, because there is no relationship, they are absolutely indifferent to each other. How do these couples come about? Aristophanes, the creator of the myth of the two halves, explained through the mouth of Plato: they were not united by their halves and did not form a unity. Modern Platons give another explanation: they could not overcome the barriers of alienation, their aspirations, attitudes, characters turned out to be multidirectional.

The second type is competing partners. These people once, in their young and mature years, were united by some common occupation, possibly a specialty. Together they formed a good tandem, moving up to the heights of a career. They constantly made sure that any work, including domestic work, was carried out on an equal footing. In old age, when career motives were a thing of the past, joint successes lost their value and only boredom from monotony remained, mutual reproaches for choosing an easier task for themselves, for violating the basic partnership agreement.

The third type is friends in love. Relationships built on love and friendship, these people managed to carry through their whole lives. About such an elderly couple, Andre Maurois wrote: “Such spouses are not afraid of boredom ... Why? Because each of them knows so well what exactly might interest the other, because both have such similar tastes that the conversation between them never stops. Walking together for them is just as dear as hours of love visits were dear to them in their time ... Everyone knows that the other will not only understand him, but guesses everything in advance. At the same time, both think about the same things. Each just physically suffers because of the moral experiences of the other. "

As a rule, lonely old people live in worse economic and living conditions than family ones.

Loneliness often leads to suicidal behavior. Both men and women have a high enough suicidal risk in the event of the loss of one of the spouses or another relative. To endure the death of a loved one, to survive it is the most powerful stressful factor in life. In general, 25% of suicides are associated with irreversible loss: death or death of a loved one.

The family becomes the main deterrent to suicidal behavior in the elderly. It should build relationships based on personal responsibility for the well-being of one and all, striving to alleviate the plight of older people.

Typically, older people tend to value very highly their family relationships and the quality of help they receive from their families. It should be borne in mind, however, that leaving close people in itself evokes natural gratitude in a helpless person, maintaining his confidence that he takes his rightful place in the family and enjoys love and respect. There are also cases of family refusal to care for the elderly.

12.4. Relationship of older people with relatives

Statistics show that about half of older people have adult children aged 45-50 years. This significantly affects their relationship. We can talk about equal interaction between adults, which can result in a better understanding of old people by adult children, but if the parents maintain authoritarianism, it can cause sharp conflicts, often ending in a complete breakdown of relations.

Meanwhile, with aging, the role of the family in the life of an elderly person increases: the termination of work when reaching retirement age, deterioration of health often occurring during this period and an increasing decrease in mobility limit the interests and activities of older people, all their attention is switched to family affairs. At the same time, family contacts replace other lost contacts.

E. Vovk (2005) writes that it is customary for us to grow old in the family, in the circle of relatives. A common image of a prosperous old age: a grandmother and / or grandfather are babysitting their grandchildren. However, here there is also a contradiction in views on the intrafamily interaction of older people and their descendants. One stereotype: old people need the company of their children and grandchildren much more than children and grandchildren need the company of their elderly parents and grandparents. Another stereotype: children and grandchildren are a burden for the elderly, without whose help and participation the young have a hard time.

The data testify, writes E. Vovk, that it is wrong both to limit the vital interests of the elderly exclusively to the family circle, and the idea of ​​the mutual alienation of generations. There is no need to speak of an interaction as close as in an extended family, but it is hardly possible to speak of a complete nuclearization of the family.

Cohabitation of the elderly with their families has both positive and negative aspects.

A significant moment in the life of older people is the loss of a leading role in the family: when deciding important issues, their opinions are considered less and less. This is especially difficult for the head of the family (an elderly father or grandfather: after all, from time immemorial, the head of the family has always been an older man, whose word was law for family members). And the weakening of health, increasing over the years, physical decrepitude in general, put the elderly person in dependence on other family members, since he needs their help and care. With a family, seniors and seniors can hope for safety and independence from the difficulties they face. Therefore, there are often cases when there is a reunion of elderly parents who are unable to serve themselves with children. More often the daughter takes care of and reunification with the parent (Brody et al., 1987; Gatz et al., 1990; Spitze, Logan, 1990). The same is true for daughters-in-law (Globerman, 1996).

In addition, by doing all possible housework, helping the rest of the family with housekeeping and caring for children, the elderly person gains a sense of confidence in their usefulness, which helps him to some extent adapt to the old age. Full participation of an elderly person in family life can serve as the best remedy for “retirement illness”. After all, a family can not only provide pensioners with direct and indirect economic support and provide various kinds of social and domestic services, providing the necessary level of consumption and comfort, conditions for leisure and recreation, but also the possibility of purposeful, meaningful and useful activities, intensive and, which is especially important , intimate interpersonal communication. Of particular importance for the elderly are the love, respect and caring attitude of children and grandchildren, the recognition of parental authority by children, and a high assessment of what a father or mother has done for them. By participating in family decision-making, the elderly maintain their prestige, and by discussing their non-family activities with younger family members, they use their experience, including professional experience. In a family, a pensioner, in addition to his own, also uses her social contacts, which allows him to lead a more active lifestyle. Thus, the importance of the family as the closest social environment, the immediate microenvironment is not only fully preserved, but also sharply increases with the abandonment of work (V.D.Shapiro, 1980).

However, elderly people living with the families of their sons or daughters face difficulties in doing household chores because they cannot manage their time the way they would like. And physical activity with constant communication with grandchildren is far from optimal for many elderly grandparents. As a result of this "well-deserved rest" is often not obtained.

The real intra-family situation that pensioners face after leaving work is not perceived by all of them as favorable. Hence the discrepancy between the actual family functions of older people and their predisposition to this kind of activity. This can lead to their dissatisfaction with their new position in the family and a source of tension with their children.

Value orientations indicate not only the willingness of older people to do something for the family, to compromise their interests for the good of children, but also the desire to receive moral support from them, or at least simple human gratitude.<…>The joy of constant communication with children often forces one to make a certain compromise, limiting the satisfaction of other needs and taking on additional responsibilities at home. But often, removing the burden from children around the house, elderly people sacrifice their health, rest, communication and other important values ​​for them. At the same time, some older people are confronted with a lack of understanding on the part of younger relatives, who believe that the family should be almost the only object of interests of the elderly person, and take his contribution for granted.

L.B.Schneider, 2000.

But the departure of matured children from home is also perceived ambiguously by elderly parents. Separation from the parental home of the only or last child causes grief, sadness, and unhappiness in parents (Harris et al., 1986; Rubin, 1980). At first, the "abandoned nest" syndrome occurs: parents begin to feel emptiness and loneliness. At the same time, they have the freedom to use their time, expand the opportunities for their personal life, to satisfy their interests (Alpert, Richardson, 1980; Cooper, Guttman, 1987).

Resignation from parental responsibilities in connection with the growing up of children leads older parents to greater satisfaction with their marriage, however, in the first period after the children leave from parental shelter, difficulties may arise in adapting older spouses to each other in new living conditions. They are looking forward to grandchildren as they want to return to parenting. They feel a responsibility to help their children, look after small grandchildren, although they have some doubts about whether they often interfere in their lives (Blieszner, Manchini, 1987; Greenberg, Becker, 1988; Hagestad, 1987).

The studies carried out by sociologists have shown that in our country the majority of elderly people (56%) live with their children, and 45% of such families have grandchildren, 59% of pensioners have a spouse. Singles make up 13%.

Only 46% of single old people maintain close contact with relatives, 39% of communication is reduced to rare telephone conversations.

In recent years, there has been a growing tendency for adult children to distance themselves from their parents, sometimes only physically, but more often out of an emotional need to be themselves and to have the time and opportunity to deal with their own problems and relationships. The life in the Self has become more important than the life in the We. This leads to the disintegration of the family. Whereas earlier the young, helping the elderly in much closer contact, were internally involved not only with their weaknesses and illnesses, but also with the richness of their experience and the strength of their feelings, now generations live much more distant and isolated. Social alienation was also added to bodily and spiritual alienation (I. Kemper, 1996).

Cohabitation

The respondents' answers to the question of which sides - positive or negative - are more in a situation where elderly people live with their children and grandchildren, were divided almost equally (although our fellow citizens nevertheless chose the second option a little more often). When it comes to the interests of older people, 40% see more bad things for them in living together with their children and grandchildren, and 36% of respondents see more good things. When it comes to children and grandchildren, 43% see more bad things in living together with elderly relatives, and 34% see more good things. As we can see, in the opinion of the respondents, both the old and the young gain and lose from living under the same roof to approximately the same extent.

In general, the elderly and young people demonstrate fairly similar ideas about the favorable and unfavorable living together.

But in those cases when grandparents and grandchildren talk about living together not hypothetically, but based on personal experience, their assessment changes and the views of generations on the situation differ. Grandchildren who live with their grandparents rate the benefits for old people twice as high as the respondents in the sample as a whole, and noticeably higher than the grandparents themselves. Grandparents, in turn, value the benefits that they receive from living together higher than grandchildren.

In other words, in a situation of cohabitation, each of the parties begins to believe that the other receives the main benefits and that he personally gives more than he receives - a fertile ground for conflicts.

In a number of cases, the old people’s arguments about the disadvantages of living together are somewhat declarative, and, finding themselves in such a situation, some of them are inclined to reconsider their point of view. It is also obvious that living together is more comfortable for the elderly than for the young: the latter, in this case, as a rule, do not find anything good for themselves and retain the same point of view on the advantages and disadvantages of such a life model.

The assumption that cohabitation is more beneficial for the elderly is supported by other data. When asked directly about this, 33% of grandparents expressed a desire to live under the same roof with their grandchildren, while among grandchildren, only 18% of respondents indicated this desire (57% of grandparents and 65% of grandchildren would prefer to live separately). In addition, grandmothers and grandfathers, living together with their grandchildren, are more often the latter in favor of maintaining this state of affairs.

The main argument in favor of living together is the physical, psychological and existential lack of self-sufficiency of the elderly, their dependence on younger family members. This follows from the answers of the respondents to the open-ended question, in what they see the positive aspects of cohabitation for older people; respondents referred to the need of old people for care (12%), for attention and communication, which would relieve them of the feeling of loneliness (11%), would bring joy into their life and give it meaning (5%).

But along with the recognition of the importance of living together with the elderly, there is also a rather pronounced tendency to cavtonomization. Both the old and the young do not often demonstrate a desire to live under one roof - both of them talk quite a lot about the disadvantages of living together for both sides, and among those living together, both old people and grandchildren in almost half of the cases would like to leave.

The noted desire to live separately should not be mistaken for the complexities of intergenerational interactions. Three quarters of respondents who have grandchildren say it is easy for them to find a common language, and less than one fifth say it is difficult. The problem is, rather, in something else - in the unwillingness of the difficulties that inevitably arise when people of different habits, attitudes and lifestyles converge in one small apartment and in one family. Those who believe that cohabitation with children and grandchildren brings the elderly more bad (as we recall, 40% of the sample), spoke about the discrepancy between the interests and views of “fathers and children” (8%), about the difference in lifestyle (8 %).

Many indicated that when living together, each generation seeks to impose its own rules on the other (5%), and as a result, quarrels and conflicts arise from scratch (6%).

Some of the survey participants emphasized that cohabitation brings unnecessary worries and troubles for the elderly (4%).

Living together really creates the basis for conflicts: each of the parties begins to believe that they give a lot, but receive little. In this context, the desire for autonomy is the desire, by limiting contacts and points of contact, to minimize intra-family conflicts. This attitude towards maximum conflict-free communication between old and young people, while unwilling to "rub in" each other and sacrifice their comfort for the sake of living together, deserves special attention.

It is also significant that the old people need a joint life and close contact between generations not much more than the young, but the young - not much less than their “ancestors”. From this it follows, by the way, that by no means always (and not even in most cases) in old age the meaning of life is seen solely in children and grandchildren. According to many respondents, older people are completely self-sufficient people, with their own way of life, interests, values ​​and plans.

E. Vovk, 2005.

Most older people have complex, varied relationships with their families. In modern society, responsibility for the elderly is becoming formal, ritual and depersonal. Considering the modern family in our society, M.D. Aleksandrova (1974) points out that the old people - the fathers of the family do not play the same role and the younger generation does not need the support of the old people. Meanwhile, the ideal of existence for the elderly is close social ties with a sufficiently high level of independence, that is, a rational combination of family care and personal autonomy. Therefore, many grandparents form strong friendships that turn into love and close affection with their grandchildren. Many grandparents, in the event of parental divorce or other problems, become “surrogate parents” for their grandchildren, taking full responsibility for their upbringing. However, according to 59% of young spouses, the degree of participation of their parents (grandparents) should be regulated, that is, parents should help only at the request of the spouses; and 14.5% of respondents believe that help is possible only in extreme cases, or that it should not be at all (O.B. Berezina, 2010). Samara gerontologists revealed an interesting fact: the state of health of elderly people living separately and independently, but not far (in the same settlement) from their relatives, is better than that of retirees living with their children's families. Consequently, gerontologists believe, older people should take independent care of themselves for as long as possible and live separately. However, in the end, a period comes when the old man is not able to satisfy his needs - physical and mental decrepitude puts him in complete dependence on those around him. Studies show that 80% of people aged 75 and over cannot do without outside help (V. Sokolov, 2002).

It has been suggested that there are four important, but often largely symbolic, roles played by the parents of the parents (Bengson, 1985).

Presence. Sometimes grandparents say that the most important thing for grandchildren is their simple presence. It has a soothing effect when there is a threat of family breakdown or external catastrophe. Grandparents are a symbol of stability for both grandchildren and their parents. In some cases, they can even serve as a deterrent to family breakdown.

Family "National Guard". Some grandparents report that their main function is to be near their grandchildren in emergencies. At such times, they often go far beyond mere presence and move on to active leadership of their grandchildren.

Arbitration. Some grandparents see it as their role to discuss and agree on family values, maintain family integrity, and help keep generations connected during conflicts. Although different generations often have different values, some grandparents find it easier for them to resolve conflicts between their older children and grandchildren because they have more experience. In addition, they can look at the conflict from the outside.

Family history preservation. Grandparents are able to create a sense of continuity and family unity by passing on family heritage and traditions to their grandchildren.

G. Craig, D. Bocum, 2004.S. 700.

Relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Life experience shows that in an extended family, that is, when newlyweds live with the parents of one of the spouses, the relationship is not between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, but the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. Here is one of the typical monologues on this matter: Zoya, 26 years old, an economist by education: “My mother-in-law constantly interferes in my relationship with my husband. In her opinion, I am doing everything “wrong”! I cook poorly, I do not know how to run a household, I pay little attention to my husband. Recently she said that she wanted me and my daughter to leave her apartment ... We moved to my parents, and my husband stayed with his mother. When I got married, I thought that I would follow my husband like a stone wall, but he did not even protect me! My husband betrayed me and his child! Now I am at a loss ... I feel terribly lonely ... All my feelings for my husband are mixed ... I don't know how we can live on ... "

These conflicts in many cases destroy the family. In Italy, for example, one third of all divorces occur for this reason. The study of this issue by TV Andreeva and LN Savina (2000) showed that just over half of the daughters-in-law perceives the mother-in-law as a stranger; 83% of daughters-in-law consider their mother-in-law authoritarian; 70% are unresponsive and expect more self-sacrifice from her. The daughters-in-law would like to see the mother-in-law compliant, meek, accommodating, sincere, disinterested. It is possible that the expectation of a large severity of these qualities leads to an inadequate assessment of them in the mother-in-law.

"I am twenty years old. I’ll probably get married soon, ”writes Natasha S. from Astrakhan to the Krestyanka magazine. - Using the experience of my mother's three daughters-in-law, I decided to create rules for the future daughter-in-law.

1. I will treat my mother-in-law with respect, I will always remain attentive and kind, even if I know that she did not want to take me as a daughter-in-law. It is not her fault that her son fell in love with the wrong one she dreamed of.

2. I will not speak badly about my mother-in-law to people, especially my husband, so as not to hurt his heart, knowing that his mother is as dear to him as my mother is to me.

3. I will be sincerely glad if she teaches me something, which I do not know yet.

4. I will not boast of excellence in education. I will try to give in to her in the name of family happiness and peace of mind, given her middle age and state of health.

5. I will never demand material assistance and I will not be stingy with gratitude if my mother-in-law helps in any way she can.

6. I will never reproach my mother-in-law if my mother “gave more”, “did better”. I myself will give my mother-in-law and my mother the same.

7. I will trust the mother-in-law of my children, as myself, as my mother.

8. If my relationship with my husband escalates, I will not blame his mother. I’ll not run to my father’s house, to my mother, but go to my mother-in-law for advice. She will appreciate this and will try to guide her son, if necessary. "

V. T. Lisovsky, 1986.S. 166.

The husband considers his mother to be more dependent and altruistic than his wife. In general, this is not surprising: the positions of the husband and wife are different. The son evaluates his mother in relation to himself, and the daughter-in-law in relation to her own children, and this attitude does not always suit her.

The reasons for unfavorable relations are called: dissatisfaction of the mother-in-law with the choice of her son, different family structures and outlook on life, too much love of the mother for her son and her interference in the affairs of the spouses, the personal qualities of the mother-in-law (despotism, importunity) and the daughter-in-law (resentment, negativism), lack of necessary help and attitude towards grandchildren.

A son can also make his "contribution", in an outburst of falling in love with his wife, violating the previously established relationship between him and his mother. Infected in her rights to be the mistress of her own home, suddenly deprived of the manifestation of warmth from her son, to whom she gave her life, the mother sees the reason for all these changes not in her son, but in her daughter-in-law. Hence the enmity towards her.

In a conflict between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, the husband-son is in the most difficult position (as if between two millstones). His most optimal position is to fulfill the role of a "peacemaker", a "buffer", when a man, without withdrawing from the relationship, does not take sides, listening to the reproaches and claims of each and not transferring one of the parties to the opinion of the other.

In this situation, the daughter-in-law needs to be patient. Perhaps in a few years, when the mother-in-law's reproductive functions gradually begin to “fall asleep,” her hormonal background will change, jealousy of her daughter-in-law because of her son will disappear, peace will come, and the mother-in-law will help to raise her grandchildren. However, it is best for young people to live separately from their parents.

Under this heading, No. 8 of your magazine published a letter from a reader NN, alarmed by the family conflict of her elderly parents.

As the editorial mail has shown, she is not the only one concerned about such problems.

In conflict situations that arise between elderly spouses, adult children, relatives, and close friends are involved in the zone of tension. All this unbalances many people, affects

on their health and performance.

We introduced N.N.'s letter and readers' responses to V. A. SYSENKO, a senior researcher at the Center for Population Studies at Moscow State University, Ph.D. in philosophy, who studies various aspects of family relationships.

The considerations expressed by the scientist may be of interest to elderly (and not only elderly) spouses.

We tried to look at the situation in the family of N.N. and in the families of the authors of other letters primarily in the light of statistics. Calculating the average annual percentage of divorces with different lengths of marriage for the period from 1960 to 1976 showed that among the spouses who divorced over these years, about 37 percent lived together up to 4 years, 30 percent from 5 to 9 years, 25.1 percent from 10 to "19 years.

After 20 years, the marriage ship, it would seem, is confidently moving towards a silver wedding, but, alas, it sometimes stumbles upon pitfalls and wrecks: 7.7 percent of divorces divorced after 20 or more years of marriage. And if we look at the dynamics of the proportion of such divorces, it turns out that it increased from 6.1 percent in 1960 to 11.8 percent in 1976.

As you can see, the most serious test of strength occurs in the first years of marriage, but the duration of the marriage itself does not provide any guarantees in this regard.

Naturally, questions arise: why love, or, in any case, mutual disposition can turn into hostility, and sometimes even enmity? How often does discord begin, which increases the psychological gap between two once close people?

In divorce proceedings, former spouses often cannot explain the reasons for the divorce for themselves and for others and motivate it by the fact that they did not agree. But it's strange, isn't it, to hear such an explanation from people who have lived together for more than a dozen years? However, such a correct explanation sometimes hides other reasons, but nevertheless, in most cases, the spouses simply do not know how to explain more clearly why they are no longer satisfied with family life.

With age, the need for affection, care, and respect does not decrease, but even increases. Insufficient attention is regarded as painful as neglect. And if one of the spouses is cold, dry, the other feels severely offended.

Often, discord is brewing for reasons of an intimate nature. The extinction of sexual function does not occur in spouses at the same time, and this gives rise to its own difficulties. A similar circumstance was highlighted by the Czechoslovak lawyer František Pavek. In the book "Divorce through the Eyes of a Judge," he noted that disagreements over the frequency of intimacy arise primarily not between young spouses, but between those who have an average and, oddly enough, long "experience" of family life.

Further, the author, who has been dealing with divorce cases all his life, notes with bitterness: “It is still very common that, before starting to think about divorce, none of the spouses tries to seek advice from a sex therapist. Inappropriate shame and prejudice have hindered the survival of many marriages. ”

One of the most acute conflict situations in a long marriage union is created by suspicion of treason, fear of change. More often and on a large basis, women experience such a fear. On this basis, mistrust and alienation arise from the side that is deceived (or considers itself deceived).

Naturally, a long-term marriage union carries a burden of past grievances, disagreements, quarrels. A woman is often unhappy with the fact that for many years she has not been sufficiently involved in caring for her.< детьми, мало помогал в до машнем хозяйстве, пассивт относился к другим семейныи делам.

In 1976, in one of the districts of Moscow, the employees of the Center: on the study of the problems of the population of the settlement of the Moscow State University, 255 were interviewed for male women. More than half of them blamed their husbands for] the fact that they did not know how to organize the rest and leisure of the family, or< одобряли их увлечения и интере сы. Более 22 процентов осужда ли мужей за недостаточное уча стие в домашнем хозяйстве Многие жены оказались недо вольными тем, что мужья не прилагают должных усилий » улучшению материального поло жения семьи.

As you can see, the poll gives an idea of ​​what kind of grievances Moryi> women. In turn, men also make a number of their * specific claims. With age, it is not uncommon for a man to feel hurt by the fact that his wife pays more attention to children than to him. A lot of collisions are created around this problem.

To one degree or another, quarrels and conflicts are characteristic not only of unstable marriage unions, they also happen in well-to-do families. However, here the form of expression of mutual claims does not cross a certain border, does not offend the personal dignity of a husband or wife.

It is scary when, in conflict situations, a person loses control over himself. As a rule, this is characteristic of people who are unbalanced, overworked. Loss of self-control can occur against the background of chronic diseases, such as neurosis, atherosclerosis of the cerebral vessels. In old age, such diseases are very likely, and therefore quarrelsomeness, incontinence, irritability may have objective reasons that must be reckoned with, forgiving each other involuntary outbursts.

Over the long years of life together, the spouses, of course, learn each other's weaknesses and shortcomings. This awareness can be dangerous if used for evil, trying to humiliate the other side in moments of quarrel. The harsh and harsh tone of the claims in the marital relationship does not bring positive results. Usually, a sharp remark addressed to any person mobilizes him for the psychological defense of his “I”. Rough reproaches also force the spouse to whom they are presented to defend their dignity. Rudeness and harshness, as a rule, cause resentment, make it difficult to admit accusations, even if in essence they are "fair."

The development of marital relationships is influenced by the fact that accumulating negative emotions are fixed in the psyche of one or both spouses. Gradually, they can turn into chronic irritation, anger and even hatred.

Therefore, I would like to make a small digression, turning not to the elderly spouses, but to the newlyweds: be tolerant and friendly to each other from the first days! Attempts to "put yourself right away" can lead you very far, and what you think is the prevention of future disagreements will, on the contrary, become their primary source.

It must be remembered that in family conflicts, only one side is rarely to blame. The study of divorce proceedings shows that there are too many subjective moments in personal disagreements: each of the divorcing spouses many times underestimates his own Ainu for the breakdown of the marriage, and exaggerates the guilt of the other party.

Sociologist V.T.Kolokolnikov analyzed 673 divorce cases in rural areas of the Grodno region. If we take all the reasons for divorce as 100 percent, then we get a very curious picture: frivolous marriage, according to the court, was the reason for divorce in 8.5 percent of cases, in the opinion of the wife, in 2 percent of cases, in the opinion of the husband, in 4, 5 percent The same difference in the assessment of other reasons. For example, according to judges, husband's cruelty was the reason for divorce in 3.6 percent of cases, in the opinion of wives - in 5.6 percent, but men recognized themselves as cruel only in 0.6 percent of cases. Our own opinion cannot be objective enough when our personal interests are affected! The easiest

the way in the analysis of conflicts with a loved one is to shift the blame onto him. This approach contains a considerable amount of self-deception, of course, involuntary and quite sincere.

Scientific data of modern psychology indicate that there are many techniques and methods of self-rehabilitation, self-justification. Many of these processes occur unconsciously. Moreover, one must try to be as objective as possible, rely not only on emotions, but also necessarily involve the arguments of reason.

What can we oppose to the process of alienation from a person close and dear to us? What will help remove the psychological barriers that have gradually arisen in marriage over many, many years? There are no simple answers to these questions. But one thing is certain: the tangled tangle of relationships between spouses can be unraveled by themselves, if they have a strong desire to do so. And if behind the desire is, first of all, the determination to refuse any reproaches of past mistakes, miscalculations, suspicions. It is necessary to curb personal outbursts of anger, indignation, irritability, anger.

It is difficult to avoid conflicts if you strive to "sort things out" all the time. Rather, another way: self-control, subtle delicacy, demonstration

their respect, respect, willingness to make concessions.

In families of the elderly, as nowhere else, there should be tolerance, condescension, the ability to relate to each other's shortcomings not with caustic irony, but with good-natured humor.

Needless to say, in a long married life, the feeling of discovery, novelty, unknown is lost, the monotony and commonness of domestic life, the routine of many everyday, albeit necessary, trifles comes into its own. Every day turns out to be like another. Monotony and boredom are born. A person gets tired of everything, even from communicating with those closest to him. Sometimes he needs to be alone.

Therefore, in marriage, each of the spouses has the right to a certain autonomy, independence in some of their desires and hobbies. Their life should be open to free / communication with other people, social work, travel. Marital consent does not mean that spouses cannot have different interests, attachments, that their attitude to certain aspects of human life should always coincide.

In a long-term marriage, the feelings of the spouses evolve. A close affection and friendship is born, no less valuable than the ardent love with which they once married. True friendship lies in the ability to accept a person as he is, with all his flaws, with all the flaws of his nature.

When a husband and wife have raised their children, and they have already created their own family, the need of spouses for each other increases. Health leaves, less energy remains, the need for support, care, participation becomes more tangible. Who will support, if not the one with whom a lot has been experienced and passed?

Of course, we do not risk giving specific advice to N.N.'s parents - for this you need to know them. But the general conclusion seems to us indisputable: even for young spouses, divorce is an extreme measure. It is all the more difficult to consider such a decision correct for the elderly.

Many domestic and foreign therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, neuropathologists, who worked with patients at different times and in different conditions, independently came to the conclusion that the violation of relations with very close people becomes a source of neuroses and even mental illness.

A divorce after long years together is more of a collapse than a release. It inevitably hurts both sides, and can be a serious misfortune. We must strive to soften the family climate, return it to a maximum of bright, calm, sunny days!

Shares

We have a road for young people everywhere ... And rightly so! But there are people who can no longer be called young, but it is still too early to classify them as old people. Let’s then discuss how things are with those who are considered elderly by society?

It has already become customary that topics related to the life of older people, that is, those over 60, are in the background. The priority is given to young families. It is the problems of a young family and the relationship of young spouses that many books, articles, TV shows, seminars are devoted to.

Thus, the problems of older married couples are rarely touched upon. There is an opinion that spouses who have been married for many years have become so accustomed to each other that they live in peace and harmony, and the conflicts that arise are resolved on their own. But in real life this is not always the case. Families of older people are characterized by certain characteristics and have their own problems.

After living most of their lives together, going through a midlife crisis, raising children and releasing them from their nest, older spouses sometimes come to complete devastation in their relationship. And this is just at the moment when all resources are depleted and each of them especially needs support, understanding, care, respect and full communication. Sometimes conflicts become so serious that living together becomes impossible.

It is very sad to see how two people who have lived together for many years suddenly cease to understand each other. Misunderstanding or hostility does not arise suddenly, they are drawn from the past. But in his youth, everyone had their own circle of interests, and now, when there is so much free time, when the circle of communication has narrowed, the previous misunderstanding, reproaches and discontent are piling up with renewed vigor.

What they endured because of their youth, what they put up with because of children or for some other reason, is increasingly becoming the cause of disagreement and quarrels. The worsening health of one or both spouses can aggravate this situation. If the husband drank in his youth, then the wife will not miss the opportunity to remind of this and emphasize that now, when the husband is sick and weak, it is she who has to take care of him. Or, on the contrary, a relatively healthy elderly man is very annoyed by a sick spouse, who has long ceased to be attractive. And the need to look after her is perceived as a great burden, which the husband does not forget to mention.

Thank God that this does not apply to everyone! There are really beautiful elderly families, where two people, who have come to the time of summing up the results in life, clearly realize how close they are and how necessary each other is.

Let's think not just about the elderly, but about the problems of the elderly family. What is their essence and where do they come from? Talking about this with several elderly families, it turned out that it is much easier for almost everyone to list THATs that make the family stronger and healthier, that strengthen relationships and give joy. But it's more difficult to talk about problems. And not because they do not exist, but because they are very individual, sometimes intimate and not so easy to formulate them. And, nevertheless, in different versions, but most of my interlocutors came to the conclusion that selfishness and rudeness very seriously affect the relationship of spouses. An elderly family is two people who, with age, observe changes not only in their own, but also in their spouse. The former attractiveness is leaving, the state of health is deteriorating, there is no previous energy and activity, even the financial situation can change. And desires more and more often do not coincide with the possibilities. And the reaction to these changes is very individual.

Some try to stay afloat - they fight diseases, do not stop caring for themselves, try to lead a healthy lifestyle and, if possible, be active, helping children and grandchildren. They find something to do, work that they can, service, and they see happiness in the ability to give, not receive. Others, on the contrary, realizing that the forces are no longer the same, give up and thereby further spur the aging mechanism. Such people are often unhappy with everything, passive and not sociable. For some, on this basis, a feeling of envy and even aggression is still added. Looking at their peers who continue to live the demanded life, egoists and pessimists tend to condemn them, believing that life is unfair for them, that it is difficult only for them, and everyone else gets everything easily, without much effort.

Not every elderly person is ready for this new period of life. The beginning of their wilting is especially painful for women. Therefore, they desperately need a loading dose of attention and care from their husbands. And if the spouse lacks love, wisdom and delicacy, then with his frank remarks about his wife, he will only aggravate the situation. Some men do not understand that voicing memories from the category: ".. Do you remember what you were ...", a woman perceives not as a compliment to past delights, but as a statement of the fact that the former attractiveness is gone.

I believe that the right thing to do is those women who sensibly assess the situation and realizing that this process is irreversible, try to learn to find and emphasize their charm at any age. A woman's grooming is not only her personal hygiene. This is her style. And sexuality is not at all in what is openly and exposed to everyone, but in what is impossible to hide.

Men are another matter. Realizing the changes, they often cannot come to terms with them and from powerlessness begin to blame someone for everything. It is the wife who often has to listen to all the discontent and indignation, especially those associated with poor health.

Prostatitis is one of the most common male health problems today. Yes, and a decrease in sexual potency in old age is a completely natural process, but the psychology of a man hardly accepts this fact. Not wanting to grow old, trying to prove something to themselves and others, older men sometimes look at young girls and women. There are cases when such a relationship on the side is not limited only to flirting, but leads to the disintegration of a family that has lived together for many years. Another reason for misunderstanding is the desire of some men to live for themselves. They are sure that the hour has come - the children have grown up and now they need to have time to live for their pleasure, while completely ignoring the presence of a wife, children and grandchildren.

At this difficult stage for the family, wives must not forget that their husbands also need increased attention. They desperately need to hear praise, words of approval and admiration for them. A man is looking for a friend in a woman who understands him and knows how to share everyday worries with him, thinks about the present and the future, recalls the past. Harmonious, benevolent relationships between spouses in older families are the main factor of stability and contribute to strengthening relationships, not breaking them.

As an illustration to the topic, I will give some of the most, in my opinion, frank and unexpected reasoning to the question: "What do you dislike in your relationship?"

We live like strangers ... everyone is on his own ... God forbid to get sick!

Woman | 66 years

My wife doesn't turn me on anymore. This is her big problem, but she doesn't understand.

Man | 62 years

The problem is, I feel unnecessary. And I still want love.

Man | 65 years

The wife has been ill for a long time. Everyone revolves around her, but it’s like I’m not. Tired of it!

Man | 67 years old

I'm just surprised at the men! One on your mind! You have to think about the soul !!