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How to teach a child to discipline? Conflict-free discipline. Tips and advice for parents from B. Spock. The brain changes over time. Discussion or brainstorming to come up with solutions

In the upbringing of children, each parent adheres to their beliefs and rules. Today, many believe that children can grow up successful and developed without discipline and rigor, but at the same time, others say? What is unacceptable, since the child does not yet have strong-willed qualities. Everyone has their own arguments, but what do child psychologists and educators think about this? Do children need discipline, how and why to teach a child this? Let's consider.

Discipline: for and against.

Initially, you should consider all the advantages and disadvantages of instilling discipline skills in a child. Let's start with the benefits.

    Growing up in disciplinary rules, a child acquires a basic sense of security, which is so necessary for the harmonious development of an emotionally healthy personality.

    Thanks to discipline, children develop strong-willed qualities that will help them not only to master basic knowledge and skills in childhood, but also to achieve their goals in adulthood.

    Discipline makes a child more calm and balanced, it helps him to perceive reality more easily. Children who grow up in freedom and have the opportunity to randomly choose between what they want are often capricious, because until a certain age they simply do not know how to make the right decisions on their own.

    Discipline allows parents to strengthen their authority in the eyes of children.

    Discipline training is the preparation of a child for the next stages of life, such as school or preschool educational institutions, where it is impossible without it.

    If parents teach a child discipline from an early age, it will be easier for him to develop self-discipline, and he will be able to control himself, his desires.

    It's no secret that discipline develops a sense of responsibility, which is necessary not only for children, but also for adults.

    Disciplinary skills allow you to better reveal your potential and be realized in life.

This is not to say that learning discipline is all about benefits. Each child is individual, and in some cases discipline and excessive strictness lead to negative consequences. Consider how discipline can be dangerous.

    Too persistent teaching of discipline can reduce the initiative of the child. Children simply lose the desire to express their ideas and desires when they live in strictness, and they know that this will not change the schedule of life and the existing rules in any way.

    Discipline can lead to covert or open protest. This happens most often when parents suddenly change their approach to education and become strict, requiring the child to comply with many rules that are not always clear to the child's mind.

    Discipline can cause developmental delay. As a rule, children who are faced with strict requirements subconsciously trigger a defensive reaction. One of the ways they know to protect themselves from the excessive demands of the parent is infantilism. The child simply refuses to grow up if the requirements do not correspond to his abilities and this prevents harmonious development. Children who are brought up too strictly, as a rule, learn the basic rules more slowly, they are not open to the perception of new information.

How to teach a child discipline?

You will not find a ready-made step-by-step recipe, since each situation and child is absolutely unique. But, we will consider tips that will help you choose the right direction and teach your child discipline without harm to his personality.

    The most important rule in the development of discipline in children is that parents must be united! If parents have constant disputes about methods of education, this does not contribute to the development of discipline. In no case should parents agree among themselves on the chosen methods of upbringing with a child. Moreover, there should be no disagreement. If dad made a rule, and mom came, scolded dad and child, allowing them to do everything differently, good results cannot be expected. The child will very soon understand what is happening between the parents and, at best, will begin to manipulate it for their own purposes, which is also not useful.

    Another important rule is that discipline and the requirements for the child must correspond to his age and level of development. It is just as pointless to demand from a baby that he eat and change clothes himself, it is just as stupid to force a three-year-old baby to sit down on his own for learning music for 2-3 hours.

    It is necessary to be consistent and constant - this contributes to the development of self-discipline in the baby. Consistency and constancy must be in everything, and if this is not the case, the child will not understand either the rules that are required of him, or the importance of discipline.

    Try to build the educational process in such a way that it has as many rewards as possible and a minimum of punishments. If it is pleasant for a child to learn discipline, he will master it much faster. But, if it will be continuous stress, screams and threats, it is pointless to expect good results.

    Keep in mind that every rule may have exceptions. Our life is unpredictable, and there are situations when it is necessary to go against the established rules. But, even if this happens, do not forget to explain to the child why in this particular situation you allow the rule to be broken, and that this does not cancel its execution in the future.

    Talk to your child more often, discuss the rules and listen to what he thinks about this. Consider his wishes in creating and correcting the rules. Children who participate in the process of creating rules are much easier to obey them.

Discipline is definitely important for children and should be taught gradually from an early age. But, it is important to remember that a child is not a small adult and every requirement should be clear and simple for him. Do not be too strict with the kids, build a warm, trusting relationship, and there will be no problems with discipline.

Even those parents who love and pamper their baby so much, fulfilling all his whims and obeying his whims, understand that the world around him will not be so indulgent towards him. So, they need to think about how to accustom the child to order and discipline.

Without this necessary skill, it will be difficult for him to adapt in society. Already in the nursery, the baby will have to obey a certain way, clean up after himself. Therefore, it is necessary to teach children to cleanliness from an early age.

Skills and age

The tasks assigned to the baby should not be unsolvable.

At each age, children can only perform certain actions:

  • As soon as the baby gets on his feet and begins to leave traces of being in the room, you can try to teach him:
  • collect scattered toys;
  • put children's books in a pile;
  • if it happened, take wet panties to the bathroom - your own;
  • help mom in the kitchen or in the bath: carry spoons into the sink or shift the laundry into a basin.

Psychologist's advice: all these skills should be instilled in a playful way, taking into account the capabilities of the child. After all, someone walks steadily from 8 months, and someone moves along the wall and at 1 year 3 months. Children develop individually, and the norms of physical development are very conditional. Many actions not only teach order, but also develop coordination.

From the age of 2, you can expand the circle of children's "duties". The kid can set the table and clean his own dishes if they are made of plastic.

It can already be taught to simple culinary processes: stir the dough for pancakes, beat an omelette and the like.

He is already able to perform the following simple tasks:

  • take out the pot yourself;
  • wipe the dust;
  • wash your plate;
  • maybe water the flowers.


The kid should already understand: you can’t leave a mess behind! Played - put down toys, read - books.

The task of how to teach a child to order in his room will not be solved if the baby needs to wait for adults to clean. That is, the toy boxes are out of reach, the bookshelves are high.

If a child needs to wait for the parents to free up time so that they put things in their places, and he spends the whole day among the scattered things, then he will not learn to understand what order is.

By the age of 4, you can already allow the baby to arrange his toys in the way that seems beautiful to him - namely, to arrange, and not to scatter.

He will gladly help his mother wash her socks and handkerchiefs, vacuum the floor and even wash it.

From the age of 7, the child should already have his own household duties:

  • water the flowers;
  • wipe the dust;
  • wash shoes.


He should already understand what it means to look neat - to get clean things and put dirty ones in the wash, comb your hair, and wash yourself regularly. You can already let him cook simple meals for himself and heat food.

Parents make a big mistake if they think about how to teach children to order and cleanliness when they reach adolescence. This task is practically unsolvable.

From the age of 12, teenagers must already maintain order in their room, wash dishes for themselves - sometimes not only for themselves - dishes, and go for bread.

Children at this age can perform almost all "adult" duties, and if they do not know how or do not want to, it is more the fault of adults than theirs.

Comfort and order

Before accustoming a child to order, it is necessary to create all conditions for its maintenance.

Should "organize space". What does it mean? From the very beginning, it is required to explain to the baby where everything lies. It is the parents who know where to put the dirty sock and where to put the thrown book. To a toddler, the idea of ​​"pure" might look like this: nothing is lying on the floor.

There are several approaches to parenting.

Children can be trained to:

  • in a playful way;
  • involving them in cleaning;
  • telling tales.


You can hide scattered things and explain what “the toys were offended because they were thrown”. Leave only dirty things in sight when you need to rush to the kindergarten.

More drastic measures - throwing away everything that is lying around - are used only with teenagers. In babies, rejection occurs from this method. Toys will hide in the most inappropriate places, they are unlikely to be removed.

To instill a love of order in children, in many cases you will have to accustom yourself to clean things. Even a very small baby will not obey his mother if she has things scattered all over the room - he will not be able to understand what is required of him.

The desire for cleanliness can only be developed in a situation where children are comfortable in a clean house. If significant restrictions are imposed because of the order, then by adolescence there will be a natural protest: why should only the younger members of the family take care of themselves?

How to properly teach a child to order?


Order and discipline are interrelated concepts.

The boundaries of what is permitted must be determined from an early age. Only reasonable requirements and restrictions are established - there should be no derogations.

Responsibility for maintaining order can only be demanded when the rules are transparent to everyone.

Children from a very early age always test their parents for strength, determining the permissible boundaries of behavior. Adults in this situation should remain calm and not back down. Signs of weakness for children: irritation of parents, tantrums, petty concessions. In the future, the pressure will increase.

Not obeying children, parents do them a favor. Society will not be as indulgent as parents. Children should know what discipline is from an early age.

Unconscious disobedience, childish irresponsibility is not punished. It is necessary to explain what it is fraught with, to help correct mistakes. "Rebellion" is calmly suppressed.

Counteraction to a little ugly one who breaks toys on purpose - do not buy a begging replacement, if a teenager spoils things, then he can already be asked to compensate for the cost - to earn money and buy something like that, or work out with the help of household chores.

You can and should feel sorry for the child only after the conflict is over. He must understand that, despite the wrong deed, he is loved. And the amount of love does not change depending on the nature of the violation.


You should never be punished for something you can't do. A small child who unknowingly wets his bed should not be scolded.

Of great importance for children and how their life will develop in the future is the education in them of the ability to self-discipline. Through discipline, children learn to restrain their urges, to do what needs to be done, not what they want. This skill will help them choose the right model of behavior in society.

It is necessary to instill discipline in a child from an early age, in accordance with his age. After all, the sooner parents begin to introduce norms and restrictions into the life of their child, the easier it will be for him to get used to them in the future. The earlier parents introduce norms and restrictions into the life of their baby, the easier it will get used to them in the future. And it is impossible not to limit a child, even the smallest, in anything - in the future this will lead to permissiveness and disobedience.

Prohibitions and restrictions are necessary, without them one cannot develop self-discipline skills, but it is important to observe the following rules:

  • There should not be many requirements, they should relate to really significant moments, for example, wash your hands before eating, put toys in a box in the evening. If you constantly rebuke a child, forbid him to act on trifles, he will simply stop hearing his parents, and their prohibitions will have no price for him.
  • Parents should explain to the child in an accessible and calm way the reason why something is required of him. Explain why you shouldn't eat with dirty hands or why you should fold your clothes neatly.
  • Be sure to specify the task. It's not enough to say, "Your room is a mess." It is necessary to clarify what exactly is wrong: “Notebooks and textbooks have not been removed from the table, clothes have been scattered, the bed has not been made.”
  • It is better to give tasks to children that can be controlled so that there is no temptation to cheat and deceive.
  • It is necessary to clearly explain to the child what not to do, and make sure that he understands. Otherwise, it will be unfair to demand the fulfillment of what he has no idea about.
  • Restrictions must be reasonable, because children actively explore the world, they need to act, do things that adults may not like. It is important to find a compromise here. For example, you can’t splash in puddles, but in boots and when no one is around, you can. You can't kick the ball in the room, but you can on the lawn.
  • Once the rules are set, they must be adhered to at all times. You can’t ask a child to brush their teeth today, and tomorrow they’ll be allowed not to brush. This discourages, makes it clear that the requirements of mom and dad are not mandatory.

How to teach your child to follow the rules

What if the child refuses to fulfill the established responsibilities? Here, parents can act, based on the nature of the child. With one, it will be enough to reason together, to beat the situation. Let's say, say: "You will now lie down in a warm bed, and your doll will freeze on the floor," or: "Someone will step on your typewriter in the dark."

Another child will have to be punished, but not one that will cause fear or humiliation - this should never be allowed. Punishment should be a logical consequence of the unfinished business, to limit some pleasant moments for the child. If you don’t want to wash your hands, we’ll have lunch without you, if you don’t put away your toys, today you’ll have to do without a bedtime story.

In addition to punishment, there must be a reward for the child for diligence. It can be a smile, kind words that he is doing well today, that he himself has done his work and his mother has free time for a walk together. But rewards in the form of bargaining are unacceptable: you - to me, I - to you. You washed the dishes after yourself, I give you a ruble. This will develop self-interest in the child, but not internal discipline.

Extremely organizes, and adults too, the daily routine. It is easier for a small person to perform duties if he gets used to doing it in a certain sequence and at one time. Therefore, it is useful to make a family daily routine and stick to it.

Whatever restrictions and requirements are imposed on the child, he must feel the love and care of his parents. Only then will a trusting relationship be established between parents and children. The child will understand what is expected of him when they speak to him in a friendly tone, do not shout, do not intimidate and do not humiliate.

The example of parents plays a huge role in the upbringing of children. Dad will never convince his son to postpone games and do homework if he himself sits at computer games all evening. You can force, but to form self-discipline - no. An example of the hypocrisy of parents will teach the child to be cunning. Therefore, the process of education must begin with oneself.

Teaching a son or daughter discipline is a serious job and responsibility for parents. For the success of the business, the following principles must be observed:

  • uniform requirements.

It is unacceptable when dad demands one thing, mom softens the order, and grandmother cancels it altogether - and this happens with a child. As a result, he will quickly learn to manipulate his relatives, and their requests will not be taken seriously. Disagreements must be resolved in the absence of the child, and if the demand is made, everyone should support him.

  • Subsequence.

The rules established for children should be understandable, logical, not contradict one another, go from simple to more complex.

  • Constancy.

It is necessary to instill in children the skills of discipline every day, without deviating from the established order. There will be no benefit if you do it from time to time, sometimes. As athletes regularly perform a set of exercises in order to achieve a result, so here is the training of patience and perseverance.

  • Hardness.

In order for the upbringing of a child to bring a positive result, parents are required to steadily follow the chosen path, despite his whims and resistance.

These tips will be useful only if the efforts of parents to instill discipline are applied intelligently, with love and understanding. We must not forget that he is not a soldier who needs to be drilled, he is a personality, a small person, and the task of parents is to teach him to make an effort on himself, to control desires, to restrain impulses. The skills of self-discipline, instilled in childhood, will be useful to a person at any age, will help to achieve success in life.

Take the test With this test, try to determine the level of sociability of your child.

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You want to teach your child to discipline, but do not know what method of education to use. Neither strict prohibitions nor permissiveness work for good. There are no absolute extremes. On the contrary, all educational processes are reduced to the golden mean. In order to derive ideal rules, it is necessary to take an interest in the views on the problems of education from several educational psychologists at once. Here's what we end up with.

Reducing time out

Time for calm and comfort is given to the child so that he can comprehend a difficult situation and come to his senses. Some parents abuse this excessively, focusing on the behavior of the baby (good or bad). Recently, in the camp of parents, it is customary to fall into the other extreme: not to talk to the child for a fault, avoid communication and ignore. We chastise our children by arranging whole demonstration lectures, insisting that they immediately stop crying or playing around. However, if you use this technique in a timely and correct manner, you can reap good dividends.

If you notice that your child is too emotional, scatters objects around the room and gets angry, then he is tired. It's time to take a little break and relax. Children should be alone with themselves in proportion to their age: one minute for each year. It will be better if you begin to use such a measure not as a punishment for any violation. Isolation should not be taken as a disgrace. Psychologists believe that this technique works best on children from three to eight years old.

Punishment must match the offense

Punishments without warning, especially if they are excessively harsh, only cause indignation and indignation in children. In the end, you yourself will get confused in your requirements. The discipline lies in the fact that the punishment should be commensurate with the offense.
For example, if your family has an unspoken rule that a toddler must call you after school is over and he breaks it, it makes sense to take the mobile device out of circulation for a while. But if you take away the phone for some other offense, this will not change the child's behavior and will not teach him anything. Psychologists warn: suffering is not a great stimulus. And random punishment only teaches children the fear of being caught.

Don't make too many rules

Always remember the simple truth: rules are made to be broken. Therefore, the fewer restrictions you set for your own child, the better. Numerous prohibitions only create temptations that are simply impossible not to succumb to. The catchphrase "Don't do this, otherwise it will be ..." just asks the kid to conduct an experiment and see what happens after all.
Therefore, limit yourself to a set of basic house rules and be sure to explain to your child why this is all necessary. Don't use empty threats. If you want to take a toy away from your child as a disciplinary measure, just do it without further ado. In the end, the child will understand what actions lead to such a result, and next time he will behave differently.

Highlight the positives

Some parents mistakenly believe that discipline is a punishment for bad behavior. In fact, it is designed to resist flaws. That is why it is much easier to cultivate good behavior in children than to fight bad behavior later.
Just imagine that your baby is good by definition. If you once again praise him for a well-executed assignment around the house, this will give him additional confidence in his own abilities. If in your educational lexicon the main word is “impossible”, the child will only feel irritation. In addition to praise, it is effective to introduce some benefits and rewards. So the child will see the return of his good deeds, as well as feel your gratitude.

Stop Worrying About Your Toddler's Bad Behavior in Public

It really is. For some reason, we are sure that those around us, in the event of the whims of our child, will think badly about our methods of education. Being with children in public, we are constantly afraid of this reaction. In fact, all these fears and worries are absolutely in vain.
If your parenting methods do not imply immediate conflict resolution, others will not think badly of you. For the most part, they don't care. Therefore, do not be afraid of the ghostly public condemnation and calmly follow the chosen course. Just abstract from the situation and imagine that you are not in public, but one on one with a child. In addition, you can always explain your position by unobtrusively taking the baby away from a crowded place.

Don't rush to take action

Despite the fact that your child is still very young, simple life situations can give him the first lessons that are truly priceless.
He sees how the neighbor's kid in the sandbox hit another kid on the head in order to take away the car. From the age of four, children can apply logic and think through the consequences of what happened. Let your little one be the judge for a while. Let him say whether it is good or bad to take toys from other children or beat them.

Do not Cry

It's so simple, but at the same time so difficult. Even if the child is constantly naughty, very excited and spilled milk on the floor again, do not give in to your own emotions. You must be patient. The problem is that babies do not perceive crying as an educational measure. They are only very afraid of these loud exclamations. At this point, the most primitive parts of the brain responsible for shame and anger are involved in children.
Therefore, they cannot hear your exhortations. With emotional children, as well as with teenagers, things are even more serious. If you could not restrain yourself and see that the baby blushed a lot as a result of your anger, it is better to leave the room and come to your senses. After everything, be sure to say that you regret what happened. Hug your baby and apologize.

Suitable methods depend on the age of the child. Set some rules that the child will understand to teach him to discipline. Be consistent and offer rules that will help your child succeed. Praise your child for good deeds and encourage them to behave correctly.

Steps

Rules and consistency

    Set house rules. A child of any age should clearly understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Set house rules to communicate your expectations to him. The child needs to know how not to behave and what the consequences of such behavior will be.

    • Rules and consequences are determined by the age and level of maturity of the child. It is important for young children to understand that it is wrong to hit others, while for an older child it is necessary to know what time it is necessary to return home in the evening. Use a flexible approach that takes into account both the age of the child and the need for new boundaries.

  1. Make a schedule. The routine helps the child to reveal their best qualities, to feel safe and confident in the future. If your child starts messing around at the same time every day or when he's tired, consider these aspects to suggest a suitable routine for him.

    • The morning and evening routine should be predictable so that the child clearly understands what awaits him every day.
    • If temporary changes are expected (a trip to the dentist or the arrival of relatives for a couple of days), then this should be reported in advance.
    • Some children can not easily change the type of activity. If the child needs time to adjust, then reflect this moment in the daily routine.

  2. Determine the natural consequences for actions. Natural consequences will help the child understand the essence of cause and effect relationships and get used to being responsible for their actions. It is necessary to give the child free choice, which will determine the consequences. Explain to him what the final result depends on. So children will be able to make independent decisions and immediately understand the severity of the consequences.

    Be consistent and constant. Many parents begin to make exceptions to the rules or get away with some wrongdoing. Children should understand the inevitability of consequences and the impossibility of evading. Show that you are not joking. Demand to follow the rules and remember the consequences for any misconduct.

    • Don't be surprised if the child has an excuse or can explain his behavior. In such a situation, you need to clearly state: “You broke the rule and you cannot escape responsibility.”
    • If you have multiple children (or multiple families living in the house), then it's important to be consistent with each child. Otherwise, they will feel unfair treatment.

  3. Expectations must be realistic. Don't set the bar too high, or the child will feel pressured, and if too relaxed, the children will be self-willed or not able to reach their full potential. Every child develops differently, each with different strengths and weaknesses. If one of the children is older, then do not expect the younger ones to behave in the same way.

    • Find out what behavior is considered normal for the respective age group.

    The smallest

    1. Redirect children's attention. Little kids are capable of wreaking havoc in no time! If your toddler is trying to do something inappropriate or doesn't want to share with other kids, then keep him busy doing something else. Suggest another activity. Praise your child if he shows interest in him.

      • If a child engages in something dangerous to themselves or other children, deal with the threat immediately. Safety is paramount.

    2. Use warnings. Young children need to be constantly reminded of everything. You should warn the child if he was going to commit an inappropriate act or break the rules. Thanks to the warning, he will understand that the action will lead to consequences. Use phrases like “If…then…” to get him to understand the consequences.

      • For example, say, “You can't fight. If you beat your sister, you will go to the corner.”

    3. Put the child in a corner. This method allows the child to calm down and pull himself together. Does the child play around or does not listen to anyone? Put the baby in a corner so that he calms down and understands that this is not the way to behave.

      • Usually the number of minutes in the corner corresponds to the number of years the child has lived. You can also leave the child in the corner until he calms down.

    4. Use simple and short explanations. The child continues to build up his vocabulary, so do not use complex language. Speak to a young child in simple language and as short phrases as possible. Explain what the baby did wrong and why there will be specific consequences. Then tell them how to behave in the future.

      • For example, say, “You hit Anya, so get in the corner. You can't fight. If suddenly you are upset, then next time just call me.

    5. Provide a small selection. Young children love to feel in control of the situation - these are the first manifestations of independence. If the child indulges because he does not want to do something, then give him a choice. This will help limit your options and allow your child to control the next step.

      • For example, let your child choose a bedtime story or a T-shirt. If he does not want to wear sneakers, offer him to choose between green and red.
      • You can also offer to put on a sweater or go to a corner. Say: "Choose what you like best?"

    6. Suggest an alternative. Offer an example of correct behavior so as not to explain why the child is behaving incorrectly. The kid may not understand how to behave in such a situation, so offer an alternative.

      • For example, if a child is pulling on a cat's tail, say, "Let's pat him on the head."

    junior schoolchildren

    1. Apply logical consequences. At this age, in addition to natural consequences, logical responsibility can be added. The presence of a logical relationship between actions and consequences will help the child better understand the consequences of their actions.

      • So, if the child lied that he completed the assignment, give him additional instructions.

    2. Discuss the child's behavior. Younger students are already old enough to understand and be aware of their actions. Use this opportunity to teach your child empathy and explain why some actions are considered inappropriate or bad. So the child will begin to understand how his actions affect others and himself.

      • For example, students often lie to get attention or push boundaries. If the child deceived you, then explain that lying offends other people, and the child himself risks losing trust and even friends.

    3. Let your child choose their responsibilities. Students like to have a choice, because the choice allows you to control the situation and generates a desire to achieve the goal. If you can't get your child to do his chores (or homework), offer him a few options to choose from. In the case of homework, let him choose the order in which to do the lessons or what to do in certain periods of time.

      • When it comes to household chores, offer 6 options from which to choose 4.
      • Some parents give gifts or money if the child does more than is necessary. In this case, let the child earn a prize, and tasks can be chosen randomly using straws of different lengths. The more difficult the task, the more valuable the prize or more money!

    4. Help your child to succeed if he is acting carelessly or irresponsibly. Some children get into trouble because they don't do their chores or homework. Sometimes laziness is the cause, but try to create an environment in which the child will be comfortable to succeed. Notice your child's failures and offer support during difficult times.

      • If your child finds it difficult to do homework, help him figure it out.
      • If he is often late for the first lesson, offer a morning routine that gives the child enough time to get ready. Invite the children to prepare lunch for school and pack their backpacks from the evening.

    5. Praise your child when he behaves well. If the child successfully coped with the case, then you need to show that you are proud of his result! Praise and recognition mean a lot to any child. So he will understand that you have noticed his successes and feel proud. Usually it is important for a child to get the attention and approval of his parents, so do not deprive him of such emotions.