I do not love my mother and I doubt if she loves me…. Are we obligated to love our mother? Why doesn't he love his mother
5 Sep 1 3565
Julia Goryacheva: At the age of 33, I realized that I did not love my mother. That I would like to abandon her, delete her from my life ... or I would like to change her (as it does not sound absurd) for a friendly, smiling, calm, gentle, kind, understanding and, most importantly, a woman who accepts me. Communication with her in recent years has not brought me anything except negative emotions and, as a result, wasted and unrecovered nerves.
No, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not a licentious woman. On the contrary, it is very correct, one might even say exemplary. In every way. Rather, he wants to seem like that. And I was already sick of these double standards!
To begin with, my mother loved to repeat all her life how she loves children, how she understands them, and how she knows how to find a common language with them. Only she gave me up to be raised by her parents, having parted with my father. And then, many years later, she told me that, in fact, she wanted to have an abortion with me, because the relationship with my dad was already on the brink, but then she decided: "Yes, that I will not raise a child!" and gave me life ... so that later she could run away with my father and send me to be raised by my grandparents in another city, supposedly it was impossible to live in a hostel with children.
And I lived without my mother from one and a half to five years. She likes to repeat that she came to me every weekend, but for some reason I don't remember her. Now, at 33, already having three children, I am amazed at the thought that in my childhood I do not remember the Main Figure of my life. I remember her sister, who came every summer, but I don’t remember her mother. Rather, I remember one day when my grandparents told me that my mother would come today. And I waited for her so, waited so! And she didn’t come. Probably since then I don’t remember her ...
After parting with my father, my mother deprived me of the opportunity to meet and communicate with him. She said unpleasant things about him, like he can kidnap me, urged me not to go anywhere with him when he came to my kindergarten. As a result, when he came to visit me in the 1st grade, I ran away from him, following my mother's precepts. He did not come again.
Together with my mother, I lived my school and student years.
She was never gentle and affectionate with me and never hugged me, arguing that life is a difficult thing and she does not want to grow a nurse out of me. In general, she raised me in such a way that I was afraid of her. I was afraid to disobey, I was afraid to argue, I was even afraid to confess to her when the English teacher pawed me, to whom she also attached me for private lessons.
My mother has always loved helping her girlfriends solve relationship problems. She, a divorced woman, considered herself a guru in the relationship between man and woman. She always bonded families, urging her friends not to divorce under a hot hand. And only to me she liked to repeat: "Divorce your husband!" If I complained to her in my hearts about him. The apotheosis was when she called her husband's cell phone last year and also suggested that he divorce me after our skirmish. Since then, I have not told her anything, no matter what difficulties in the relationship I have.
And she also loves to brag in public about what wonderful grandchildren she has. Now there are already three of them. And I'm expecting a fourth child. But the last two might not have been - listen to my mother and do sterilization after the second child. She decided that the children would be enough for me, that the weather, born through a cesarean section, was too hard for me. She even convinced me to negotiate sterilization with a doctor before giving birth to my second child. Thanks to my doctor, she said: “No way. Then you want a boy and you will run after me with a knife. " Then I really gave birth to a boy, and myself, at home, having felt the birth as it was conceived by nature. By the way, this is to the question of how much mom loves children….
Also to the question of my mother's love for children - my mother's psychosis about my prolonged breastfeeding of my son. Mom probably considers herself an expert on breastfeeding. She quit feeding me when I was a month old, simply because the children's clinic told her that I was not gaining weight well because she had low-fat milk. Now she is sure that after a year the guards do not give anything good to the child. Since I fed my daughters for up to a year, there were no conflicts. They started when my mother saw me feeding my son at the age of one year and two months. She is an expert, she knows that after a year there is nothing useful in milk for a child, and with this useless feeding I only want to tie my son to myself more strongly when I "shove his boob in his mouth." How many unkind looks and caustic remarks were directed at me when I was feeding my son with her. In the end, I couldn't stand it.
I rarely explode, but here I was already fed up! The person who fed for a month will still teach me how much to feed my child! I was indignant, and immediately learned a lot about myself. She said things that were very offensive to me: that I am a nervous mother, that I do not look after children well, that I don’t represent anything, that I am a good-for-nothing daughter ... When, in tears of despair, I asked, “Mom, there is something in me- Anything good? ”She hissed angrily“ No! ”. It was very painful to hear and it was a turning point in our relationship with her. And literally an hour before that, she broadcast to the guests that my husband and I are wonderful parents, we brought up such children. Again these double standards!
For my mother, I am only valuable as a creature capable of benefiting society. When I studied, spoke at conferences, wrote articles, led an active lifestyle, had numerous hobbies, changed jobs - my mother was proud of me. Then I, in my mother's understanding, lived. In the last 6 years, my life has stopped, since all this time I have been giving birth and raising children. With each child, my mother loved to repeat: "It's time to do something, you stayed at home too long."
And for some reason it doesn't matter at all that as a result of my 6-year stay at home, my children are healthy (lack of vaccinations, hardening), active (walking in the fresh air in large quantities), creative (visiting circles), cheerful and sociable ( in their lives there is a lot of time for games, and play for me is the most important thing that should be in a child's childhood). The third child, born at home, generally has excellent health and is developing well.
No, something else is important for mom. It turns out that I am an unlucky hostess (I cook porridge not the way she thinks it is right and I do not clean the apartment in a timely manner), an unlucky mother (yelling at the children) and an unlucky wife (I talk to my husband in a raised voice and sometimes (oh, horror!) I swear with him with children). Mom likes to emphasize that she never quarrels with her husband (she has a second marriage, got married at 47). Only I somehow became an involuntary witness of how she yelled at her husband. One illusion crumbled. And then, after all, I used to think: "Yeah, my mother does not quarrel with her husband, it means she lives right, I swear, it means I live wrong." And only recently I realized that everyone swears. It's only my mom who wants to seem better than she is. Oh, how she feels sorry for our children when we fight. Previously, such phrases of her drove me into a wild feeling of guilt in front of children. And only recently I realized that it is better to let the children live in a full-fledged family, where anything can happen, than the way I spent my childhood: mom and dad did not fight just because they were not in my childhood. But grandfather and grandmother, with whom I grew up, quarreled.
A separate story is my relationship with my husband.
We have been together for almost 10 years and I consider it my achievement that I manage to maintain a relationship with him and keep a family, in part despite this stupid statistics that the children of divorced parents will get divorced. I love my husband and cannot imagine another man next to me.
Sometimes it seems to me that mom is depressed. It would be much more pleasant for her to repeat her script. Before, I had the stupidity to tell her about my quarrels with my husband. And she was immediately inspired, started calling me, urging me to throw him to hell, take the children and move to her (she is in another city). And there she will arrange my life. As one of my friends joked, "Your mom wants to become your husband." Both sad and funny.
Especially my mother "supported" me when this year my husband had a serious accident. Soft-boiled machine, sternum fracture, surgery. He miraculously survived. I went through a terrible period, realizing that he was on the verge of death. From my mother: not a drop of sympathy, not an ounce of understanding, although at that time we were on the same territory. Moreover, she reproached my six-year-old daughter for letting go of her too nuns when she saw dad's wrecked car and decided that dad was dead. To which I exploded: "The child has the right to show his emotions as he sees fit and there is nothing to shut her mouth." It was one of those rare cases when I dared to contradict my mother, which, of course, did not like her and she immediately scolded me like a girl.
This accident took our relationship with my husband to a new level. We realized how much we love and appreciate each other, and the result was the birth of a child.
And, can you imagine, I, a 33-year-old woman, being legally married to a beloved man, a mother of three children, was afraid to tell my mother about this fourth child. As at one time I was afraid to say about the third. I’m completely out of the family scenario. It is not customary to give birth to a lot in our family. It is customary to have abortions. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to have an abortion with this child. And the worst thing is that I wanted to have an abortion with each of my children. With the first, because it was not clear whether my future husband would marry me or not, and even at work, they began to oppress when they learned about pregnancy, with the second - because the upbringing of the weather terrified me, and everyone around, including my mother, kept repeating : "Oh, how hard it will be for you!" have an abortion !? And all my children go through this meat grinder of terrible thoughts. What a pity that this information has been hammered into my head and I know about such a possibility of our valiant medicine. Here animals have no idea about abortion and give birth to everyone. And people….
Having learned about the child, my mother was far from happy. But rather, I was angry that I was allowing myself! I survived completely out of my mind, to give birth to so many in our time! My poor husband, I am driving him into bondage with this fourth child.
Eh, mom, mom ...
Having become a mother three times myself, I began to understand a lot. And how many illusions have disappeared over the past year! And only bitter reality remained. I do not love my mother and I doubt if she loves me.
Commentaries of psychologists CONSCIOUSLY.RU:
Olga Cover, process and systemic therapist, constellator: As much as we accept and respect our mother, so much we can find happiness, success, fullness of life. This thought by Bert Hellinger once touched me deeply. Then, when I could write something similar about the relationship with my mother. With a lot of advice, the mother usually seeks to meet society's expectations of a good mother. In this way, the older generation express their concern, wedging their opinions into the lives of their children. This is their way of love, often expressing their love in a different way, this generation of mothers does not know how.
After all, they had different ideals in Soviet times. The Soviet Union was often called "the land of the Soviets", as it was customary to control the lives of their children, it was considered a good quality for parents. I remember from the training course in systemic constellations the phrase: "Mother gave life, and that's enough." I thought, really, life is an invaluable gift to us from our parents, and, first of all, from our mother, so priceless that no money in the world can often redeem it from oblivion or from death. And we all received this gift. From the parents, to a greater extent from the mother - she made the decision to leave the child, provided her body, risked herself, being between life and death all the time of pregnancy and childbirth. It's true - we owe our life to our mother. Compared to this, the personality of our mother is not such an important aspect: what she thinks, does, believes.
“Everything comes from childhood - all our traumas and problems” - this position of psychoanalysis has led to the fact that several generations of people have grown up blaming their parents for everything. As long as we blame our parents for our troubles, we have not grown up. An adult mature person takes full responsibility for the changes on himself. And he separates the "essential mother" and "personal mother", and from the first receives great love, since it was this part of the mother that allowed us inside, raised and fed us, and the second simply accepts what it is. When this separation and acceptance becomes a reality, one becomes an adult.
What if you can't accept and share? It is enough to give life and resources for development; these resources include love. Otherwise, a mother is a separate person walking her own Path through life, a Path different from her children. And this gives children freedom to develop and choose their own path.
Anastasia Platonova, psychologist, psychotherapist: “Different mothers are needed, different mothers are important” ...
Living with a dislike for your mother is a heavy burden that harms, first of all, ourselves. After all, any negative attitude towards another person gives us a charge of negative ourselves, slows down, does not allow us to go forward. And no matter how a person cherishes this disgusting feeling in himself, one always (!) Wants to get rid of it, it weighs on me. Deliverance comes with forgiveness and acceptance. This is a very very difficult process, physically and mentally. Often we are not ready to throw out hatred for those who have offended us from our lives because it seems as if we will become weaker, more vulnerable, forgiving and accepting. Hatred is our defense, but at what cost?
Most of us have many complaints about our parents. But all claims can be expressed in a single phrase: "She / He / They loved / love me not the way I want." Yes Yes! They all, without a single exception, love. True, love, she, is sometimes expressed in very perverse ways. And if we are ready, or are trying, to accept the love of our child in any form (even if it is “mom - you’re bad!”), Then we knowingly demand from the parents exactly the kind of love that is required for us, at that very moment when we need it, etc. etc. And who said that parents can do it? After all, we do not require a right-handed person to write ideally with his left hand? Why are we so sure that parents have to be able to love?
It is important to admit at least the thought of what my mother did or tried to do all that she could ... Why admit this thought? In order to find peace of mind, to be able to build your life not against the will of someone, but just the way you want, to raise children, realizing that you are passing on to them the goodness that is inside, so that there is no black in your heart a hole that, like the Bermuda Triangle, sucks power into nowhere.
Forgiving and accepting does not at all mean letting your parents influence your life; on the contrary, it means freeing yourself, untie the shackles that are pulling back. Acceptance means learning to breathe deeply, learning to focus on yourself and your desires, without looking back at anyone. And accepting a parent always means also making friends with that part of oneself with which one could not agree in any way before.
Olga Kolyada,practical psychologist, teacher at the Ladya training center: Time after time I read and listen to the confessions of adult women about difficult feelings for mothers at trainings ... It is sad, sorry in my own way for both mother and daughter. I have nothing to say to aging mothers - they have already given, or not given everything they could. And now they receive the corresponding "feedback" - difficult and unhappy relationships with adult daughters, or in general the loss of relationships.
But I want to say to my daughters - dear, you have the right to ALL your feelings in relation to your mother! Everything that is. And it is not your fault - it is your misfortune if there is no or almost no love left among these feelings. Initially, the child always comes with love to the mother, it cannot be otherwise. And then the mother can perform actions (of varying degrees of awareness and for various reasons) of such severity and pain that they partially or completely block this love on your part. And how can you be to blame for this? Then - why are you ashamed to admit calmly - yes, I do not love my mother, perhaps I even hate? Because “you can't have such thoughts!”? How is it - there are feelings, but you cannot have thoughts? Who said that? Mum?…
The paradox is that you should calmly allow yourself to admit your most “bad” feelings for your mother, as your attitude towards her immediately begins to lose its “degree”! Accepting what is, it is easier to build communication with her (if any) on the basis of this given, and not from "how good daughters should have." If there is no communication, you begin to worry less about its absence. And there are also gifts - by allowing yourself to feel all negative feelings, you are freed from their part, and deep under them you discover Love, which in fact has not gone anywhere, just there was no place for it on the surface before ...
Hello dear psychologist! I turn to you for advice, because the situation does not suit me at all and to some extent interferes with my life. Yesterday I realized that I do not love my mother. We live separately, I don't have a father, she has a man. I came to visit her, and, despite the fact that we rarely see each other, we managed to quarrel for just half an hour of being together in the same territory! And it would be okay to have a serious reason. But she came up to me and began to mock me at the things that I was doing wrong. She always does that. It feels like she is sick of it when I'm in a good mood. And in my childhood she allowed herself to vent her dissatisfaction with life on me, while her life is much better than most of my acquaintances. Now she teases me in an evil way and accuses me of some things that I don’t want to do (she doesn’t do it either, but in my performance it’s almost a sin). And her catchphrase "Also tell me I'm wrong!" - what is this? Is this how it is necessary to communicate with children? And then she pretends that nothing happened. Life is not a very fair thing, but for some reason I can take offense from outsiders calmly, even with humor. Her jokes always bring me to tears, despite the fact that I usually hold back quite easily. As a result, I do not feel the slightest desire to communicate with her, I don’t miss her, and I don’t want to go to her unnecessarily either. She actually does a lot for me: she helps, makes gifts on holidays, negotiates various issues, etc., does not drink, she is very smart, beautiful, she did not raise her hand against me. Everyone around her is delighted. As a result, I feel like an ungrateful bastard. But as soon as she opens her mouth to me, this "bastardism" wakes up in me again. It always seems to me that she treats others much better than me. Of course, those around you do not have to endure this and will certainly answer! And what to say: if my peer spoke to me in similar intonations, he would need a traumatologist. But in front of my mother, I am completely powerless. And she never says anything to me in front of strangers. This hypocrisy pisses me off. I must love her, respect her, be grateful for her birth, for her upbringing. And how to love if you don’t want to love? If before the case ended in resentment, now I simply cannot love her. And is this normal in general? I still don't have children, I just don't want to. And one of the reasons is that I don’t want my children to think of me the same way I think of my mother. Thanks in advance.
Zhanna, RF, 30 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello Jeanne.
And it would be okay to have a serious reason. But she came up to me and began to mock me at the things that I was doing wrong.
Why do you think that the reason is not serious? Systematic depreciation is serious. This means that mom, too, did not invest much love in you. And you cannot help but feel it. Parents are expected to be accepted, supported, approved, and helped. What do you get? And you sound like "she always did that", "when she was a child, she took it out on me ..." and so on. Did mom give you enough warmth, support, care, understanding, acceptance? Or did you mostly receive criticism, devaluation, evidence of your own (her, mother's) righteousness, humiliation of you as a person ...? It is clear what happened, most likely different. The question is, what was more, and how do you feel now. And now you feel, judging by the story, humiliated by such an attitude, indignant, offended ... And you have the right to such feelings, as well as to a different attitude towards yourself. Only you cannot force her. You can ask, say, under what conditions you are ready to communicate, under what conditions you are not, but, of course, you cannot force. You can make your choice - to communicate or not. You definitely have the right to this.
She actually does a lot for me: she helps, makes gifts on holidays, negotiates various issues, etc.
Are you ready to accept these gifts and help, taking into account the attitude towards you? There is a subtle point here: you accept these gifts and help, and this gives her the right to treat you like that. If you stop accepting - perhaps you will have more firmness to say that you do not intend to communicate in a similar style? Perhaps you feel constantly indebted to her for the gifts and help? But maybe, in order not to feel obligated - they should not be accepted then?
I must love her, respect her, be grateful for her birth, for her upbringing. And how to love if you don’t want to love?
On my site "Mirror of the Soul" (link in the profile here on Cleo) there is an article "5 myths about children and parents". I think after reading it you will have a lot more thoughts on who owes whom and what is real in such a situation, as well as why you cannot love her. Well, about the normality or abnormality of everything that happens ... more precisely, about the pattern.
Respectfully yours, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.
Key ideas
* We cannot bear the very thought that the mother may not love us and that it is impossible to love her herself.
* And yet, mothers who “do not love” and even internally “destroy” us exist.
* Breaking even such a connection is incredibly difficult, but you can try to protect yourself by establishing distance in the relationship.
No matter how angry we are with her, no matter how offended we are, we are unable to say: "I do not love her." Mother, mother - this is inviolable, you cannot touch this. Let's try to decipher, perhaps, the most ambiguous of our feelings.
“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. - She was sitting on the bed, crying and still could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to just crush her - she was inconsolable. And I did not understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real snide. The relationship with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy. As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish a personal life, create a happy family and even establish a reasonable relationship with my grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: "Why are you crying?", She replied: "Now I will never have a good mother." So, in spite of everything, she continued to hope? During the life of my grandmother, my mother said that she did not love her, - so it turns out that she was lying? " Relations with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, the Internet forums begin to "storm". Why? What makes this inner bond of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be severed? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?
Social commitment
"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to pronounce such words. It is unbearably painful, and the inner prohibition on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let's just say: I try to communicate correctly, not react internally, take nothing too close to my heart.” Choosing his words, 38-year-old Artyom admits that he maintains "good" relations with his mother, "although not particularly close."
“In our public consciousness, one of the most widespread myths is about endless, disinterested and bright love between mother and child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova.
- There is competition between brothers and sisters; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken her. And the affection of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. It is not for nothing that popular wisdom says: "No one will love you like a mother." “Mother remains a shrine,” agrees sociologist Christine Castelain-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family units are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar landmarks are lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has passed the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother is becoming unshakable as never before ”. Just a doubt about its reliability is already unbearable.
“The very thought“ I have a bad mother ”is capable of destroying a person, - says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the wicked witch is always the stepmother. This speaks not only of how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also how common such feelings are. "
"Now it became easier for me"
For the first time, many of them were able to say: "Mom did not love me" by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors can help us emotionally detach ourselves from relationships that can consume our lives. Several quotes.
If she read me a children's book (which was rare), then the name of the bad character (Tanya-revushki, Masha-confused, Dirty, etc.) replaced with mine, and for better understanding she poked her finger at me. Another memory: we go to a neighbor's girl for her birthday, mom has two dolls. “Which one do you like best? This one? Well, that means we will give it! " According to her, this is how she brought up altruism in me. " Freken Bock
Mom endlessly talked about her misadventures, and her life seemed to me a tragedy. I don't know if unloving mothers have some kind of special filter for dropping out everything that is positive, or if this is such a way of manipulation. But they see their child exceptionally negatively: his appearance, character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence. " Alex
It became easier for me when I was able to admit that my mother did not love me as a child. I accepted this as a fact of my biography, as if I “allowed” her not to love myself. And she "allowed" herself not to love her. And now I no longer feel guilty. " Ira
My mother's lack of love severely poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be gentle and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, at the same time suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he weighed me down - just as I weighed my parents. And then one day (I hope it’s not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Daily, hourly, a little bit. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. To catch these moments and by an effort of will to force himself to stop and give him what he needs so much. Through "I don't want, I can't, I'm tired." One small victory, the second, a habit appears, then - you feel pleasure and joy. " Wow
It's hard to believe that your mom really acted THAT. The memories seem so unreal that it is impossible to stop thinking about it: was it really EXACTLY SO in reality? " Nik
From the age of three I knew that my mother gets tired of the noise (which I create), because she has high blood pressure, she does not like children's games, does not like to hug and say affectionate words. I took it calmly: well, such a character. I loved her the way she was. If she was annoyed at me, then I whispered to myself the magic phrase: "Because my mother has hypertension." It even seemed to me somehow honorable that my mother was not like everyone else: she has this mysterious disease with a beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I was a “bad daughter”. And it psychologically just killed me. " Madam gingerbread man
For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of “practical”, “unmarked” (as my mother taught), but on the principle “I like it”. I learned to listen to myself, to understand my desires, to talk about my needs ... Now I can communicate with my mother, as with a friend, a person of a different circle who cannot hurt me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don't really want children. Mom said: "Do not give birth, do not marry, this is hard labor." I turn out to be an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, it means that I have left a loophole for myself. " Oxo
Excerpts of messages from the forums: http://forum.psychologies.ru; http://forum.cofe.ru; http://forum.exler.ru Prepared by Sabina Safarova.
Initial merger
Our relationship is ambivalent, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between a mother and a child precludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of our mother's heart. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and wants. The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes he can give rise to deep resentment, which then grows into hatred. "
We are all familiar with moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps we can say that they are inevitable. “These moments of hostility are part of a child’s development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. - If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens to children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof. "
Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger. It is even more difficult for single children or those who grew up in an incomplete family to admit to themselves hostile feelings towards their own mother. “As far back as I can remember, I have always been the main meaning of her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone - but also a difficult burden, too. For example, for a long time it was not possible for me to get to know someone, to have a personal life. She couldn't share me with anyone! " Today, his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops ... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”
Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, try to understand her, find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, life did not work out. Everyone is trying to behave "as if" ... As if everything was fine, and the heart would not hurt so much. The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep everything away and "carry it beyond the point of no return," as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection at all costs. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” says 29-year-old Anna. “She loves me in her heart, and I don’t want to upset her.”
In debt from birth
Psychoanalysis speaks of "the original duty" and its consequences - that feeling of guilt that connects us for life with the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings are, in the very depths of our souls there is still a hope that someday everything can still somehow improve. “I understand intellectually that you can't change my mother,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “And yet I can’t come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”
“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. - Then I thought that at least this time my mother would not feel sorry for me, but at least she would show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of my child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have the right to do so. "
We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “We have a long-standing childhood insatiable longing for a good parent, a thirst for tenderness and unconditional love,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - We all, without exception, think that we were not loved the way we should have. I think not a single child had exactly the kind of mother he needed. " It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her, there is no separation between the omnipotent maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. "This image does not change in time: it contains both the depth of childhood despair (when the mother stays behind from the bakery, and we think that she is lost and will not come again), and later ambivalent feelings."
Only a “good enough” mother (the term of the English psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott) helps us move towards adult independence *. Such a mother, satisfying the vital needs of the child, thereby makes him understand: life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.
Fear of becoming the same
Having entered motherhood in their turn, Vera and Maria did not mind the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their "bad" mothers would become at least "good" grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father in her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms was looking at her from the screen. “My heart grew warmer,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship soured when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be happy that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only thanks to these first years of my life. But when I see her annoyed with my children today, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become. "
Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model to build relationships with her children. And it worked: "One day at the end of a long telephone conversation, my daughter said to me:" It's so nice, Mom, to talk to you. " I hung up and burst into tears. I was happy that I was able to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time, bitterness stifled me: after all, I myself did not get such. " The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow from girls with a "disliked" childhood.
Looking for indifference
When a relationship is too painful, it becomes vital to maintain the correct distance. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother’s side, is enough, as everything collapses, and the person is wounded again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection ... and admits that they cannot find it. “I tried to completely" disconnect "from her, moved to another city, - says Anna. - But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver - it seems to pierce me through with an electric current ... No, it is unlikely that now I do not care. Maria chose a different strategy: "It's easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely." Allowing yourself not to love the one who raised us, and at the same time not suffering too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably. “This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. That childhood pain will not go anywhere, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out our feelings and separate the feeling of guilt from them. " Growing up is what it means to free yourself from that which fetters our freedom. But growing up is a very long journey.
* D. Winnicott "Little children and their mothers." Class, 1998.
Change relationships
Allowing yourself not to love your mother ... Will it make it easier? No, I'm sure Ekaterina Mikhailova. It won't be any easier from this honesty. But the relationship will definitely get better.
“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, as in tango, a counter movement of two people is necessary, and consent to change is required from both the mother and the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings about your mother. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have expired. Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would have lived if you had not been born to her. Finally, acknowledge that your mom may have difficult feelings for you, too. When starting to build new relationships, it is important to understand how sad it is: to get away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child. Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and wait for the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be like friendship, cooperation. They will appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live ... with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome ”. EAT.
"The attachment of a female and her cub can last a lifetime."
Psychologies: Do Animals Have Attachment?
Elena Fedorovich: Yes, of course. The facial expressions of the cub, the mother's touch to him, his cries addressed to her when he needs help, or a loud protest when she leaves - all these are signs of a special emotional closeness between the mother and the cub. This mutual dependence occurs in mammals, whose offspring are born helpless. Without maternal care, without tactile contact with her, without her protection and support, the cub simply cannot survive and develop normally.
When does this emotional addiction occur?
Attachment love is first formed in the mother. But not immediately, but after days or even weeks of constant communication with the cub. The mother begins to distinguish him from others, consoles and protects him. Their relationship becomes special, individual. The cub, too, does not recognize the mother from the first days. But only next to her, he feels safe. Growing up under her protection, he becomes more and more skillful, self-confident, which allows him to separate from his mother in time and start an independent life.
After that, only a few animals (for example, chimpanzees) maintain a lifelong kinship with their mother.
Can a female be a "bad mother"?
Maybe. Taking care of your offspring is a natural (from the point of view of evolution) behavior of highly organized females. But under certain circumstances, the mechanism for forming attachment fails. “Bad mothers” are those who, at an early age, themselves did not experience emotional closeness with their mother. Such a female is extremely anxious, demanding, irritable and aggressive with her offspring. But "bad" will be the one who will give birth to a sick baby. After all, the basis of attachment is a kind of dialogue between a mother and her baby. If he does not respond to her actions (illness makes him lethargic, inactive), she may stop caring about him.
Artist Grigoriev Boris Dmitrievich - "Mother", 1915.
"Mother and Child" - Gustav Klimt.
Mum. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or ... suffering?
We are used to thinking that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word "mother" in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor for care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but this is not at all about children from disadvantaged families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a complete family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal from the point of view of meeting material needs, but at the same time not spiritual. Now we are talking about those daughters whom their mothers never loved.
Unloved daughter - how is it?
The mother does not love her daughter - such a wording hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that this situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so simple. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say to someone out loud: “Mom never loved me”. They hide it: in childhood - they come up with stories, in adulthood - they try to avoid the parental theme.
When the mother does not love her daughter, this is reflected in the entire further development of the girl, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.
As a rule, “dislike” is expressed in the mother’s absolute emotional detachment from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of the girl. How does this relationship manifest itself?
A logical question: "Why doesn't mom love me?"
Often mothers are totally indifferent to children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and the mother, which is necessary for a little girl, may be completely absent (here we mean exactly that model of relationship when a daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy with children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, on the part of this kind of indifference can be completely invisible.
For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and brags about her successes, but this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conventional “audience” disappears, the mother not only pays no attention to her daughter's success, but also constantly lowers her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. An unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.
Let's consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, the mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, they say, "again brought home four points, not five!" There are also options when the mother is, in principle, indifferent to how the child learns. Constant negativity, like regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the further destinies of the daughters and their own future families.
“Mom never loved me”: Unloved daughter and her adult life
"What if my mom doesn't love me?" Is a question that many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes into their heads even when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who formed the thinking of a person over the course of many years.
As a result, already adult girls get a whole bunch of psychological problems based on the emotional trauma they received earlier.
Once the question that arose in my head, "Why doesn't my mother love me?" develops into a life position “Nobody loves or loved me at all”.
Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love that was not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:
- Lack of confidence in yourself and in your abilities. Because of what, a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
- Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone?
- Failure to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and a healthy life in society in general, but also a career and area of interest in particular.
- The perception of everything is too close to heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any field of life. The list goes on and on.
What if my mom doesn't love me?
It is unlikely that a daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question of why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:
- “Something is wrong with me”,
- “I'm not good enough”
- “I’m bothering my mom.”
Of course, this approach will only lead to even deeper immersion in problems and lower self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the outside.
Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude towards everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has learned all the “charms” of such an attitude on yourself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It's not easy. Some may not even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, for a reassessment of values, it is worth asking for - this will certainly help to improve life and attitude towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing that you can do for him.
Do not strive to please your mother, especially if over the years of living with her you realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, and at worst - habitual criticism. Growing up without maternal love is difficult. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change your pattern of behavior. Even if your mom never loved you, she is worthy of respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives as they matured. And you can if you understand the root cause of your psychological problems. And it is covered just in your question: “Why doesn't my mother love me?”.