Domestic (family) violence. How do you know if you are experiencing domestic violence? Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence, which is also called domestic or domestic violence, is a repetitive and increasing frequency of aggressive acts committed by one of the family members in relation to another or another relative within the family. It can manifest itself in the form of physical, psychological, sexual and economic pressure, in order to gain power and control over another or other members. According to statistical studies, domestic violence most often manifests itself in relation to children, then to women, and even to pets.

So let's take a closer look at the highlights. As we have already said, domestic violence manifests itself in the family in the form of various subspecies:

It is believed that domestic violence is gender-based and biased towards aggressive actions of men towards women. This is due, first of all, to the way of life of the whole society. After all, men in our country, as a rule, occupy a more socially significant role. And there is, in principle, a fairly tolerant attitude towards domestic violence against women. This is well shown by the proverbs: "he who hits, he loves"; "Cute scold - only amuse themselves."

Symptoms of Domestic Violence

Considering this article from the perspective of "Domestic Violence: How to Fight?" You must first understand that you are living with a tyrant. And, although many women catch themselves thinking that everything is not quite good in life together, it is not easy to admit to yourself that a loved one is a despot. The obvious signs that your chosen one is a tyrant are:

If the picture is painfully familiar, and seven or more statements fully correspond to the description of your chosen one, then you do not have to indulge yourself with illusions, you have a tyrant in front of you.

There are myths that girls create for themselves, trying to maintain such a relationship even with domestic violence. Here are the most common ones.

1. “Everyone can be re-educated with love and patience. One day, he will wake up and understand: how lucky he is with a patient wife. " Alas, this is not about such a chosen one. He will never understand anything: neither your sacrifice, nor your efforts. You are for him a "stupid sheep", created for his whims entirely.
2. "A woman is supposed to endure." Let's be honest: there are women who are comfortable in the role of "eternal victim". And this is a topic for another conversation. And if you are not comfortable in the role of a whipping bag, but you are actively encouraged: "be patient"? Who came up with this axiom is unknown, and why put up with all this is also not clear. Probably, people believe that a person does not live for the first and not the last time. And if, nevertheless, there is only one?
3. "A child needs a father, and we have a family." Definitely needed. And you need a family. But, often children, assimilating such a life experience of relations between parents, make not very correct conclusions, repeating the scenario in their new family: both in the role of a victim and in the role of an executioner. Girls often find the same tyrannical spouse. And the boys, swallowing tears in childhood and saying that "they will never raise their hand against a woman," begin to methodically mock their wife.

What to do and how to deal with domestic violence? Of course, many women resign themselves to the role of the victim. I would like to note, however, that in the case of a woman, this is still not always an understandable, but partially conscious choice. In such a family, as noted earlier, children always suffer. And this is not their choice.

Possible consequences

Although, the topic of domestic violence against children is even more difficult for our everyday life. What actions can be attributed to it? The spanking of the mother, who punishes for “getting involved with a bad company” or the absolute freedom of action of another, who is happy that the child “went for a longer walk”? From the point of view of the law, both. And from the point of view of practice? Who among us is ready to call the law enforcement agencies, seeing that a pretty-looking mother is hitting the baby's soft spot for some offense? Or because the child is not always supervised? Practically nobody. What is the reason? Tolerant of domestic violence. But the consequences of such actions can be very sad:

Although the State Duma, defining responsibility for various kinds of violence, the article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation of 2017 (No. 116) excluded "beatings against loved ones" from the number of criminal offenses and provided for administrative liability. The only exceptions will be cases of relapse and more serious injuries than bruises.

On the one hand, the law only amended it, equating responsibility with cases against strangers. On the other hand, it caused absolutely conflicting opinions. Some opponents are happy, claiming that any bruise on a child's body could, if desired, be put to the detriment of his parents. Others, following the example of the Council of Europe, are ready to agree that Russia has allowed "family fighting with impunity." Some psychologists argue that the lighter stipulated responsibility removes the psychological barrier for the tyrant. But, it is worth noting that any law is good and any degree of responsibility in the case of the current law. And, according to statistics, the law practically did not work: few people dared to punish their domestic despot with criminal prosecution. Other people preferred not to interfere in family affairs.

This topic is very controversial not only for the Russian society. Films about domestic violence against children are a favorite topic of cinema in many countries. The Oscar-winning "Forest Gump" touches on, among other things, the rape of the hero's main girlfriend and her life ordeals caused by this incident. The film "Treasure" (2009 release), touches on the topic of not only sexual abuse of a child, but also the often encountered in such cases, the criminal behavior of the mother, who hides the depraved actions of the roommate, fearing to lose him.

But, one of the most believably cruel films of this topic is the drama "The Lilac Blossoms" (in some versions of the translation - "Flowers of the Lilac Fields"), which frankly shows not only the problem of sexual violence in the family, but also the absolute indifference, lack of understanding and intolerance of society towards similar victims.

How to fight

There are also many films about domestic violence against women. But in this context, I would like to mention another point. We have only touched on vivid examples of violence. In general, acts of violence, unfortunately, are often present even in fairly well-to-do families. They are expressed in an outburst of anger and discontent, which is accompanied by verbal abuse, and sometimes physical impact.

After the incident, the aggressor may even ask for forgiveness. But the problem with domestic violence is that it always follows the path of increasing tension. And if the victim did not discuss what happened, did not set strict requirements, then the violent act will surely return, because "it was allowed to treat himself like that." So how can you not allow it? Or what if this happened? The dramas "Three Women" and "Counting of the Drowned" sanctify the problem of no less cruel revenge of such offended ladies. Nevertheless, this is absolutely not the best way out of the situation: both from the point of view of morality and from the point of view of the law. One of the best options for countering domestic violence may be the following steps:

• often tyrants do not like publicity. Tell your husband's relatives about the acts of aggression;
• do not be afraid to speak openly with your spouse, explain that you will be forced to seek help next time. And most importantly - fulfill the promise, if it happens again;
• if there is no other way out, you have to leave. Unfortunately, this is often the only way out of the situation.

But, leaving from such a tyrant, do not forget two key points!

First, never come back. Tyrants often suffer at the loss of their victim. They are ready to persuade her to return and claim that they will correct themselves. According to statistics, returning women often face even more cruel treatment, but with the suppression of attempts to escape. Many of the returnees are seriously injured, and some die altogether.

Second, analyze why this happened. Tyrants do not show their essence with everyone and choose their victim very carefully. A psychologist or psychotherapist will help you figure this out. Because the problem is often repeated. A woman, having left one despot, throws herself into the maelstrom of other relationships with an even greater tyrant. Therefore, it is worth entering into a new relationship after understanding yourself. Otherwise, the next act of domestic violence cannot be avoided.

If you have experienced, learned or witnessed domestic violence against women, where should you go?

Many women note that they are greatly helped by the advice of a clergyman. Of course, it is possible and necessary to turn to a representative of the clergy for help. But, nevertheless, it is worth dwelling on the priest of the most accepted religion in your region. The fact is that you can easily become victims of not only a tyrant-spouse, but also swindlers posing as representatives of a new faith or religious trend. Behind beautiful words is a simple desire for profit. And, if it seems to you that there is nothing to take from you, they, looking at the situation from the outside, may have a completely different opinion.

What can be said in the conclusion? The problem of domestic violence is a burning and controversial topic of our time and society. And, in addition to the aforementioned specialists, it is important to start fighting it at the level of each of us: not to turn away from loved ones and acquaintances who have encountered such cases and to stop enduring ourselves, forcing children to suffer. And if you don't have the strength to "gather your courage" - turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Emotional Domestic Violence: When a Man is a Victim

When we hear about domestic violence, the first thing we do is imagine a tyrant husband and a victim wife who is forced to endure beatings and abuse. Indeed, the overwhelming majority of cases of domestic violence are violence of a man against a woman. However, the opposite cases - female violence against a man - are much more common than it seems. Today we will talk about this phenomenon, hidden from prying eyes - female violence.

Why is it not customary to talk about female abuse?

• Firstly, this topic is so taboo that a male victim of violence simply does not dare to talk about it even if real physical harm has been done to him. After all, a man, by definition, is considered the stronger sex, and to admit violence against himself, and even on the part of the weaker sex, means a fiasco for him. If victimblaming- blaming the victim - thrives violently in society in relation to women, one can imagine what awaits a man who finds himself in a situation of violence from a woman.
• Secondly, female violence is more often not in the physical, but in the moral sphere... A woman abuser is not necessarily a shaggy woman with a rolling pin. She can look great, take care of herself and have impeccable manners and taste. She acts covertly, through manipulation, humiliating and blackmailing, skillfully using any available leverage. This behavior has a destructive effect on the psyche, but at the same time the male victim will be instilled with such a sense of guilt that he will blame himself and only himself for everything.

The suppression of psychological violence illustrates a situation typical of the post-Soviet space: people pay attention only to physical health (and in this matter they endure it to the last), but not psychological. And psychological problems are generally not considered to be problems. If, for example, the kidneys hurt, then yes, you can be treated, but fears, bad mood, depression, frequent scandals, constant moral discomfort can be endured.

Psychological abuse deserves as much attention as physical abuse

I am of the opinion that mental health and mental comfort are just as important as physical health... Healthy, truly happy and fulfilling relationships can only be built by a person with a healthy psyche. Negative mental states, emotional experiences, difficult traumatic memories deserve no less attention than diseases of the body. It has long been proven that the harm from moral, psychological violence is no less than the harm from physical violence.

Unfortunately, we are so used to moral violence that sometimes we don't even notice it. Not so wild in our society is the behavior when a woman can publicly make humiliating comments about her husband, use poisonous jokes and comparisons, turn to screaming in conversation, and slap him in the face. That is, maybe it will be unpleasant for someone, but in general it is not something out of the ordinary.

Signs of female violence against a man

• The systematic use of derogatory phrases and epithets, for example: "The sense from you like a goat of milk", "your daddy is useless", "your hands are growing in the wrong place"
• Comparison with other men: "Tanya has such a golden man", "For Dasha, her husband has bought a fur coat for the third in a year", "a normal man would have repaired this faucet long ago without talking",
• Hidden and overt threats: "But who needs you besides me", "you just get drunk without me", "after a divorce you will go around the world",
• Public and private humiliation - ridicule, interruption in the middle of a phrase, insults,
• Devaluation: "Well, you don't need a lot of mind for this",
• Ignoring - refusal to communicate, letting go of what you don’t want to hear,
• Sex manipulation
• Setting the kids up against the father
• Blackmail,
• Disrespect for personal space: reading mail, checking phone calls, messages, reading personal correspondence,
• Systematic failure to keep promises
• Lie,
• Emotional swing - irascibility in behavior, tantrums, outbursts of anger, frequent raising of the voice mixed with periods of tenderness and cooing.
• Pathological jealousy
• Manipulating guilt
• Double standards: what you can't, she can,
• Treason.

If temporary conflicts and one-time disagreements occur in every couple, then in the case of a real manipulator, family life turns into hell, invisible to others and hidden even from one's own consciousness. Emotional swing creates a real dependence on these relationships and a kind of hopelessness: it’s hard with it, and it’s impossible without it.

What if your wife is an abuser?

• It is important to understand that psychological abuse is real and does real harm to your psyche.
• It's important to understand that it won't get better. The character of an adult cannot be changed, and if the person is prone to manipulation and openly uses it, your numerous concessions will not be beneficial and will only continue to dig the pit of humiliation.
• It is important to understand that family comfort and warmth are no less important in life than career and other achievements.
• It is important to understand that The abuser wife is also a tyrant mother. Your children.
• It is important to understand that somewhere in the depths of your psyche most likely there were prerequisites for such a relationship. Perhaps your mother treated you in a similar way, she could publicly shame or beat you for the slightest mistake, and unconsciously you are looking for a similar relationship in order to feel that primary love for a woman.
• It is important to understand that feminine violence, like any other violence, is NOT the norm... Humiliation, constant insults, fights, reproaches, frequent scandals are unhealthy phenomena, even if they are followed by violent solemn reconciliation and fantastic sex. Minutes of happiness do not compensate for hours of suffering. Nothing, not even the most beautiful declarations of love, justifies violence.

Simply understanding such simple things gives you the opportunity to look at the situation in a different way. Whether you decide to end such relationships or stay in them, in both cases, you need to pay attention to yourself and reconsider your attitude towards life, family, and women. Stop being a draft horse for everyone around you and start building warmer, equal relationships filled with mutual respect.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she painted her lips brightly, and last month she stayed at work for two hours ... Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with her friends, parents and glide around the apartment with a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is this - the bad character of the husband? Unhappy fate? The reason for the violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

The concrete cubes of high-rise buildings shine coldly with glass, protecting privacy. Each apartment cube has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost a taboo topic. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it ...

Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence for this woman is as familiar as borscht for dinner, but it is always shockingly scary, like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand against her.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she painted her lips brightly, and last month she was two hours late at work. The list of unacceptable actions is growing, psychological pressure is growing. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and slide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.

What is this - the bad character of the husband? Unhappy fate? The reason for the violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties set by nature.

Domestic Violence Causes - Bad Wife or Bad Husband?

Married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. Children every day fearfully await their father's return. The lessons were learned perfectly, there was not a speck of dust in the house, the recipe for the soup was carefully checked. But late at night a stern husband and father entered, the reason for discontent was found, and again there was no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.

Each person is created according to the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy and satisfaction from this. But when the innate properties are not realized, there are voids, the so-called frustrations, a person feels unhappy. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what the peculiarities of the manifestation of frustrations in everyone are connected with.

Natalia Kaptsova

Reading time: 8 minutes

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In the case of domestic violence, a woman experiences tremendous stress, which is interwoven with fear of her husband and fear of publicity. In this situation, it is necessary to know how a woman can apply, defending her rights, honor, freedom, as well as which services to contact and where to look for help.

Unfortunately, our UK is not perfect. It is very difficult to protect a wife from her own husband, because this situation is considered intrafamily conflict , in which the police often do not intervene. "He will start running after you with an ax, then call" - something like this is usually answered by women who are looking for protection from their spouses. As a result, the situation often gets out of control, ending in a scenario that we will not talk about. Sometimes, in order to punish a husband, it takes so much time, effort and money that a woman has no choice but to continue to endure or just run away “into the night”.

But there are still levers of legal protection for women who have suffered from domestic violence. - we will tell about them below. Important - to the victim of violence do not be afraid to ask for help , once and for all realizing that after the first case of physical violence against her, more and more blows will follow.

So, if the husband beats - where to go and what to do?

Going to the police and court

To begin with, you should not call, but apply personally to the police with a statement (2 copies), indicating the fact of violence or its direct threat, and with certificates from medical institutions about beatings. Do not forget to take the notification slip from the police officer and hide it away along with a copy of the application. The tyrant spouse is subject to civil, administrative and criminal liability.

Articles that are most often used in cases of domestic violence:

• Section 111... Intentional infliction of serious harm to health.
• Section 112... Intentional infliction of moderate harm to health.
• Section 115... Intentional infliction of slight harm to health.
• Section 116... The beatings.
• Section 117. Torture.
• Section 119... Threats to kill or grievous bodily harm.

What happens next? The spouse is issued an official warning , after which he is registered and a corresponding card is given. If the husband changes his place of residence, the card will "move" to the new place of residence. Reasons for the liquidation of the card: the end of the prescribed period (year), imprisonment of the husband or his death, absence (more than 1 year) from the place of residence or a statement from the spouse that the husband has "corrected" ... Of course, if you took such a step, it is simply dangerous to stay with your husband any longer. Therefore, it is best to submit an application, already finding a safe place to live .

You can, bypassing the police, go directly to court(of course, at the place of residence). Moreover, you can not disclose your new address by asking the investigator for your do not take into account the data in the protocol ... This practice also applies, and you are entitled to it.

Contacting medical institutions

If bodily injury due to the actions of a spouse occurs, then they should be recorded b:

• Go to the emergency room explaining the cause of the damage to the doctor. Do not forget to make sure that the doctor describes the size, location and color of each lesion.
• Take a certificate after inspection with the date of treatment, medical card number, full name of the doctor and the seal of the institution.
• If the marks appeared only after you have already gone to the emergency room, re-apply and fix them .
• The doctor is obliged to transfer information about injuries due to beatings to the police department ... The police officers, in turn, are obliged, after the telephone message, to conduct an inspection and give you a referral for a forensic examination. There, too, you need to make sure that everything is recorded as expected. The qualification of the husband's actions will depend on the results of this examination (article).
• Do not forget to photograph all traces of the beatings yourself. , to then attach them to the case. And leave copies of the negatives in a separate location.
• Collect Evidence - Bring Witnesses who will be able to prove the fact of beatings and aggressive behavior of the husband (at least 3 episodes in which they were present).