Ethics rules of conduct in the family. Summary: Family etiquette. Tears of sorrow will not help. How true is this

05.03.2020

On the topic: "Family etiquette"

PLAN

The concept of etiquette, good manners and courtesy

Marriage etiquette: what is it?

Marital gallantry

Dale Carnegie's Six Rules

Conclusion

Bibliography

1. Etiquette concept of good manners and courtesy

The established norms of morality are the result of a long process of establishing relationships between people. Without observance of these norms, political, economic, cultural relations are impossible, because it is impossible to exist? not respecting each other, not imposing certain restrictions on themselves.

Etiquette is a word of French origin, meaning demeanor. It includes the rules of courtesy and politeness adopted in society.

Modern etiquette inherits the customs of almost all peoples from hoary antiquity to the present day. Basically, these rules of conduct are universal, since they are observed by representatives not only of a given society, but also by representatives of the most diverse socio-political systems that exist in the modern world. The peoples of each country make their own amendments and additions to etiquette, due to the social system of the country, the specifics of its historical structure, national traditions and customs.

There are several types of etiquette, the main of which are:

Court etiquette is a strictly regulated procedure and forms of treatment established at the courts of monarchs;

Diplomatic etiquette - rules of conduct for diplomats and other officials in contact with each other at various diplomatic receptions, visits, negotiations;

Military etiquette - a set of rules generally accepted in the army, norms and manners of behavior of military personnel in all areas of their activities;

General civil etiquette is a set of rules, traditions and conventions observed by citizens when communicating with each other.

Most of the rules of diplomatic, military and general civil etiquette coincide to some extent. The difference between them lies in the fact that more importance is attached to the observance of the rules of etiquette by diplomats, since deviation from them or violation of these rules can damage the prestige of the country or its official representatives and lead to complications in the relations between states.

As the conditions of human life change, the growth of formations and culture, some rules of behavior are replaced by others. What used to be considered indecent becomes generally accepted, and vice versa. But the requirements of etiquette are not absolute: their observance depends on the place, time and circumstances. Behavior that is unacceptable in one place and under one circumstance may be appropriate in another place and under other circumstances.

The norms of etiquette, in contrast to the norms of morality, are conditional, they are, as it were, the nature of an unwritten agreement about what is generally accepted in people's behavior and what is not. Every cultured person should not only know and observe the basic norms of etiquette, but also understand the need for certain rules and relationships.

One of the basic principles of modern life is the maintenance of normal relations between people and the desire to avoid conflicts. In turn, respect and attention can be earned only with respect for courtesy and restraint. Therefore, nothing is valued by the people around us as dearly as politeness and delicacy. But in life we often have to deal with rudeness, harshness, disrespect for the personality of another person. The reason here is that we underestimate the culture of human behavior, his manners.

Manners - a way to keep oneself, an external form of behavior, treatment of other people, expressions used in speech, tone, intonation, a walk characteristic of a person, gestures and even facial expressions.

In society, modesty and restraint of a person, the ability to control one's actions, to communicate carefully and tactfully with other people are considered good manners. It is customary to consider bad manners habits of speaking loudly, not embarrassed in expressions, swagger in gestures and behavior, slovenliness in clothes, rudeness, manifested in frank hostility to others, in disregard for other people's interests and requests, in shamelessly imposing one's will and desires on other people, in the inability to restrain one's irritation, in a deliberate insult to the dignity of the people around, in tactlessness, foul language, the use of humiliating nicknames.

Manners refer to the culture of human behavior and are regulated by etiquette. Etiquette implies a benevolent and respectful attitude towards all people, regardless of their position and social status. It includes courteous treatment of a woman, a respectful attitude towards elders, forms of addressing elders, forms of address and greetings, rules of conversation, table manners. In general, etiquette in a civilized society coincides with the general requirements of politeness, which are based on the principles of humanism.

A prerequisite for communication is delicacy. Delicacy should not be excessive, turn into flattery, lead to unjustified praise of what is seen or heard. It is not necessary to hide hard that you are seeing something for the first time, listening to it, tasting it, fearing that otherwise you will be considered ignorant.

Everyone knows the expressions: "cold politeness", "icy politeness", "contemptuous politeness", in which the epithets added to this wonderful human quality not only kill its essence, but turn it into its opposite.

Emerson defines politeness as "the sum of small sacrifices" that we make to those around us with whom we enter into certain life relationships.

Unfortunately, the beautiful statement of Cervantes is completely erased: "Nothing costs so little and is not valued so dearly as politeness." True politeness can only be benevolent, since it is one of the manifestations of sincere, disinterested benevolence in relation to all other people with whom a person has to meet at work, in the house where he lives, in public places. With workmates, with many acquaintances in everyday life, politeness can turn into friendship, but organic benevolence towards people in general is an obligatory basis for politeness. A true culture of behavior is where a person's actions in all situations, their content and external manifestation follow from the moral principles of morality and correspond to them.

etiquette morality family chivalry

2. Marriage etiquette: what is it?

The concept of ethics in relation to the family is used in the sense of morality, family morality and is considered as an assessment of the upbringing of family members individually and the moral climate of the family as a team.

Human culture can be divided into two categories: internal and external. Under the "internal", which is the main one, they understand morality, while "external" implies the beauty (aesthetics) of behavior. Both of these cultures are interconnected and interdependent, they must harmoniously complement each other. Love as the basis of marriage does not tolerate even the slightest falsehood. Oddly enough, but the absolute smoothness and politeness of relations between spouses not only is not a guarantee of a lasting feeling, but can also speak of the opposite - the absence of love. Loving people can argue, be offended, resent, they may have disagreements. But all this should be expressed in such forms that would not humiliate or offend the other. Loving relationships should be built on an equal and healthy basis. As a rule, a woman is an inspirer in a family, and a man should be an active creator, then he will help both of them to fulfill their plans.

Marital etiquette involves the ability to reconcile one's interests with the interests of the spouse and other family members. Its basis is kindness to all family members.

Depending on the relationship between spouses, three types of intra-family relationships can be distinguished. This is confrontation, coexistence and commonwealth.

Confrontation as a type of relationship in the family is a confrontation between spouses, a clash of their views. At the center of the clashes are often issues of raising children. Coexistence is characterized by the fact that outwardly families live quite decently: adults work, children study. But everyone lives their own life. The main feature of such relations is non-interference in each other's affairs. Even parents prefer not to interfere in the affairs of their children.

Both of these types of relationships are inherently flawed. They negatively affect the development of the personality of a growing person, interfere with the achievement of happiness by adults, hinder development, or bring the family to the brink of disaster. Naturally, such families cannot be considered collectives. Quite a different picture in families that are characterized by commonwealth relations. They are characterized by the unity or closeness of views, aspirations, interests, mutual assistance, solidarity. It is these families that are waiting for real happiness.

3. Marital gallantry

Marital gallantry can be called the most important component of etiquette. According to the Polish journalist Jan Kamyczek, this is a "special art" See: Jan Kamyczek "Courtesy for every day", p. 46..

There is a common misconception among men that gallantry towards their own spouse can be regarded as a sign of matriarchy reigning in the family. As a result of this, a paradoxical situation often arises in which the husband is super-polite in relation to all the women he knows, with the exception of his wife, while it is in relation to the closest person that we recognize the true man. In addition, a respectful attitude towards his wife is also a considerable tribute to himself, because she is “his half”.

The "indisputable" duties of a husband, which can be equated with the obligatory regalia of diplomatic or court etiquette, include:

to give a coat to his wife, both at home and in a public place.

Don't read at the dinner table.

even if he is against kissing a woman's hand, sometimes you can and even need to kiss your wife's hand.

at the evening the first dance to dance with his wife.

always notice his wife's new dress, say something nice about it. In general, compliment your wife.

always let the wife pass first, passing through the door; to give her small gifts even for no reason, from time to time buying flowers.

in her presence, do not look back after other women.

do not use the argument "I earn and demand ...".

do not walk around the apartment half-dressed.

when leaving the house during non-working hours, inform the wife about the purpose of leaving and the time of return.

compliment the dinner.

sometimes ask what his wife was doing while he was not at home.

in general to talk with his wife, and not be limited only to a "business" conversation.

There are types of critical husbands. They show their "attention" to the wife in such a way that they tirelessly criticize her appearance, dress, character traits, friends, tastes, method of raising children. Living with such a spouse is not very fun. The husband must be aware that sooner or later this kind and volume of criticism cools the feelings of a woman in love. Wives should think about something else: sometimes this behavior of a husband is a consequence of his self-doubt, dissatisfaction with himself. In such cases, balance in family relations is restored by means of opposite6 praises of the husband, emphasizing his merits and achievements. An inspired husband will stop criticizing his wife.

Sometimes there are, though less often, the wives of criticism. "Treatment" is the same.

Here are some tactical tips for the wife:

choosing toilets, take into account the tastes of her husband, and not just her own and friends.

more often cook what your husband loves.

do not use his “sacred” items”: do not take an electric razor without permission, do not clean up his drawer, do not rummage through his briefcase.

without blinking an eye, listen to his stories in society, even if all of them have long been known to her. Don't interrupt your husband. Telling a joke, with the words "Everyone knows him!". Do not question his competence in the subject of conversation.

do not criticize him in front of the children.

not closely control, because the control of a loved one can be especially offensive.

not object to his natural attachment to his mother.

give him a compliment sometimes, listen to his advice.

do not invite guests whom he does not like, and do not accept invitations that will be unpleasant to him.

it is better for a woman who has married a second time not to recall aloud the merits of her first husband.

And now a few words about what both spouses should remember.

With a protracted conflict or often repeated quarrels, each of the parties needs to think about their own behavior. After all, as a rule, in a quarrel, in fact, it is not about a broken plate. A person who is a constant initiator of quarrels, after introspection, often comes to the conclusion that “his nerves are good for nothing”! this does not mean at all that now you can scandalize with a clear conscience. In his introspection, Kamychek advises such people to go a little further and ask themselves a legitimate question: why am I nervous all the time? It often happens that it is possible to realize the true cause of nervousness, and life is getting better. Worth a try.

In the case of endless and without apparent cause of quarrels between spouses, a drastic measure sometimes acts - the proposal of a divorce. But it should be used only in extreme cases. By following certain rules in discussions, disaster can be avoided. Here is some of them.

You should never make your claims in an ironic tone - such a tone offends and causes instinctive protest. Almost everything you would like to say can be said in a cordial tone, businesslike, polite and calm. This is the only true tone in the family, because we speak in order to get a response. An aggressive tone, the intonation of an order, is completely non-contact. Capricious intonations are poorly perceived. The consequences of irony and sarcasm where they are out of place. The saddest. Frank compassion does not justify itself, even if there really is something to pity a person for.

You should also avoid omissions that make it difficult to understand.

When quarreling, threatening suicide is highly ungentlemanly.

In a dispute between two, one should never refer to the opinion of third parties. A completely calm and friendly conversation between spouses often turns into a scandal as soon as one of its participants refers to the opinion of his mother or someone else.

In family discussions, generalizations such as "You always ..." should be avoided. You need to talk about a certain fact or case - and only about them.

Claims kill love. Even, and perhaps especially, well-deserved reproaches. Therefore, they should be used as little as possible. The instinctive reaction of the person to whom we make claims is the desire to isolate ourselves from us. Repeating them often can really lead to a break.

It is better not to tire loved ones with constant remarks. A remark about something is worth making once and then in a friendly tone. Repeating it, and especially louder than the previous one, does not bring success: it is unlikely that the partner does not remember the remark, if he does not react, it means either he does not want to or cannot, and nothing can be done about it. Close people can be forgiven for their oddities or non-compliance with any rules, because we are all not without flaws.

The foregoing does not at all mean a call for slavish forgiveness. Demanding a lot from himself, a person has the right to expect the same from loved ones. But for such a requirement, one must always find the appropriate form and time.

"Short circuits" in the family cannot be avoided. It is important that they are really short. You should apologize as soon as possible and restore normal relations. After reconciliation, the cause of the quarrel and the quarrel itself must be completely forgotten. Of course, there are situations when it is necessary, having reconciled, to clarify separate mutual positions, but, if possible, this should be avoided. It is best to extinguish the quarrel and not fan the ashes.

In general, one should not “show things off” too often. The behavior of one person does not always meet the absolute understanding of another. You can sometimes ask a partner why he acts this way and not otherwise. But even if his answer does not satisfy our curiosity, we should not at all strive to comprehend the "whole truth." Sometimes such a truth can come as an unpleasant surprise for us, the partner prefers not to talk about it, and “pressed against the wall” sometimes blurts out what he thought “to himself”.

Family good manners require that any partner's statement be taken on faith. You should not convict a loved one of an imaginary lie, catch him on something.

Of course, the implementation of all the above tips is a very difficult task. But they can really help to get around, if not all, then many reefs in the stormy sea of married life.

4. The Six Rules of Dale Carnegie

In his super-famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie, an American human relations expert, pays special attention to marital etiquette. An entire chapter is devoted to this issue. It is based on six rules, which we will now give:

No need to quibble

Don't try to change your spouse

Don't criticize

Express your sincere gratitude to each other

Show each other small signs of attention

Be careful

Let's look at each of these rules in turn.

“Of all the unmistakable tricks. Ever devised by the devils of hell to destroy love, the deadliest are nit-picking. This approach never fails. Like the bite of a king cobra, it always poisons, it always kills,” writes Carnegie.

An American psychologist cites the life of Leo Tolstoy as an example for illustration. She was a tragedy, and the reason for that tragedy was his marriage. His wife loved luxury, and he despised her. She longed for fame and honors, but for him vain things meant nothing. She aspired to money and wealth, and he believed that it was a sin to have wealth and private property.

For many years she sawed him, scolded and made scandals. When he objected to her, she fell into hysterics, rolling on the floor with a bottle of opium to her mouth, swearing that she would kill herself and threatening to throw herself into the well.

And finally, when Tolstoy was 82 years old, he could no longer endure the tragedy of his family life, and therefore, on one snowy October night in 1910, he fled from his wife - he fled into the cold and darkness, not knowing where he was going.

Eleven days later, Tolstoy died at a small railway station from pneumonia. And his dying request was not to allow his wife to see him.

Such was the price Countess Tolstaya paid for her cavils, complaints, and tantrums.

Perhaps one can decide that she had enough reason to be dissatisfied. Of course. However, this is beside the point. The question boils down to this: did the nit-picking help her, or did they infinitely worsen an already difficult situation? Did these reproaches and the frenzied antics of his wife change Tolstoy? In one respect, yes, they did. They definitely changed his feelings for her. They made him regret his unhappy marriage and avoid his presence as much as possible.

The life and marriage of a prominent English public and political figure, Disraeli, is an excellent illustration of rule number 2. He said: "I may make many mistakes in my life, but I will never marry for love."

And so he did. Until the age of 35, he remained a bachelor, and then proposed to a wealthy widow 15 years older than him. And, paradoxically, Disraeli's marriage turned out to be one of the most brilliant successes in all the annals of marriage, containing so many banal, dirty stories.

The rich widow, whom Disraeli chose, did not at all possess either youth, or beauty, or a brilliant mind. In conversation, she made ridiculous mistakes that testified to her extreme ignorance in the field of literature and history. She had a quirky taste in toilets, and her idea of proper home furnishing was quite eccentric. However, she was a genius, a true genius in what is most important in marriage - in the art of dealing with men.

No matter how stupid and frivolous she seemed, he never criticized her. He never once uttered a word of reproach against her, and if anyone dared to laugh at her, he fiercely rushed to her defense.

For three decades, she did not get tired of talking about her husband, praising him and admiring him. What did it lead to? "We were married for 30 years," said Disraeli, "and I was never bored with her." Meanwhile, some people thought that if she did not know history, she could not help but be stupid.

No, she wasn't perfect, but Disraeli was smart enough to let her be herself.

Henry James stated: “The first thing to learn in dealing with other people is that they should not be prevented from being happy in the way they want, unless it prevents us from becoming happy in the way we want. ".

This saying is important enough to be repeated: “The first thing to learn in relationships with other people is that they should not be prevented from being happy - the way they want it ...”

Or, as Leland Foster Wood points out in his book Growing Up Together in the Same Family: “A successful marriage is much more than finding the right person. This is the ability to be such a person yourself.

So, you can repeat rule number 2 again: Do not try to change your spouse!

Catherine II ruled one of the largest empires in the world. She controlled the life and death of millions of subjects. Politically, she often behaved like a cruel tyrant, waged futile wars, sentenced dozens of her opponents to death. However, when the cook's meat burned, she did not say anything. She smiled and ate with the kind of tolerance that an average Belarusian husband would do.

The recognized authority in America on the causes of unhappy marriages, Dorothy Dix, states that more than 50 percent of all marriages fail. And she knows that one of the reasons so many romantic dreams end in divorce is criticism -- useless, boring criticism.

All of the above is a preface to the third rule: Do not criticize!.

“Express your sincere gratitude to each other” - this is the fourth rule, which, according to Carnegie, is one of the most important. Once, he writes, a peasant woman, after a hard day's work, placed a large armful of hay in front of her men. And when they indignantly asked if she had lost her mind, she replied: “Well, how could I know that you would pay attention to this? I have been preparing food for you men for 20 years now, and in all this time you have not let me know with a word that you are not eating hay!

The spoiled Russian aristocracy of Moscow and St. Petersburg had the best manners. In tsarist Russia, among the upper strata of society, it was customary to insist after a good dinner that a cook be brought to the dining room, whom they congratulated on a successful dish.

Why shouldn't a husband show the same attention to his own wife? When she cooks delicious chicken, you must immediately tell her about it. The husband should let her know that he appreciates the fact that he does not eat hay. Or, as the Texan Guinan used to say, you need to "give the little girl a standing ovation."

And when you're about to follow this advice, don't be afraid to let your other half know how much she means to your happiness. Disraeli, already mentioned, was the greatest statesman that England ever had, but, as we have seen, he was not ashamed to let the whole world know how much he “owed to his little wife.”

So, let's repeat rule #4 again: Express your sincere gratitude to each other!

"It means so much to a woman!" With these words, Dale Carnegie titled a chapter in which he lays out the following rule of marital etiquette: Give each other small courtesies.

Since time immemorial, flowers have been considered a symbol of love. They are inexpensive, especially in season, and are often sold on street corners. However, given how rarely the average husband brings home a bouquet of yellow daffodils, one would assume that they are as expensive as orchids and as difficult to obtain as the edelweiss that grows on cloud-shrouded alpine peaks.

Why wait until your wife is in the hospital to give her some flowers? Why not bring her some roses tomorrow night? You like to experiment. Try doing this and see what happens.

Despite being very busy on Broadway, George M. Cohen used to phone his mother twice a day until her death. Do you think he had amazing news for her every time? No, the meaning of these small courtesies is that they show the person you love that you think of him, that you want to please him, and that his happiness and well-being are very dear and close to your heart.

Women attach great importance to dates - birthdays and various anniversaries, and why exactly - this will forever remain one of the women's secrets. The average person can go their whole life without remembering many dates, but some of them must be remembered. This is primarily the birthday of the wife, as well as the day and year of the wedding.

Chicago Judge Joseph Sabbat, who has handled 40,000 marital disputes and reconciled 2,000 couples, says: “Most of the time marital discord is rooted in petty things. Something as simple as waving goodbye to your husband when he leaves for work in the morning would prevent a lot of divorces.” Too many men underestimate these little everyday courtesies. In an article in the Pictorial Review, Gaynor Maddox wrote: “The American family really needs a few new vices. For example, eating breakfast in bed is one of those cute indulgences that more women should be able to afford. For a woman, breakfast in bed is almost the same as a private club for a man.”

The above quote applies not only to the American, but also to any other family, including the Belarusian one. And it's not just breakfast in bed: any, the smallest signs of attention (and not only from the husband!) Can be compared with the bricks from which the house of marital happiness is built. In the end, marriage is nothing more than a series of ordinary episodes. And woe to those couples who do not take this circumstance into account.

So let's repeat Rule #5: Give each other a little attention.

“The cancer that eats away love” Carnegie calls rudeness. Everyone knows this, and yet it is well known that we treat strangers more politely than we treat our loved ones.

We wouldn't even think about interrupting a stranger and exclaiming, "Oh God, are you going to tell that old story again!" It would never occur to us to open our friends' mail without permission or pry into their personal secrets. And only members of our own family, that is, the closest and dearest people to us, we dare to offend for trifling blunders.

It is amazing, but true, that practically the only people who say unpleasant, offensive and painful things to us are our household members.

Henry Clay Risner states: "Politeness is such a quality of the soul in which one does not notice a broken gate, but pays attention to the flowers behind the gate in the yard."

A courteous attitude is as important to a marriage as lubricant is to an engine.

In Holland, before entering the house, leave shoes at the doorstep. We should have learned from the Dutch and thrown off our daily duties before entering our home.

Many of those who would not even think of speaking harshly to customers or even to their business partners will not stop at yelling at their wife. Meanwhile, for personal happiness, marital well-being is much more important and essential than business relationships.

An ordinary person who is happily married is much happier than a genius living alone. The great Turgenev enjoyed recognition throughout the civilized world. Yet he said that he would give up his talent and all his books if only there was a woman somewhere who was worried that he would not be late for dinner.

Every man knows that if you approach a woman kindly, she will do anything and do without anything. He knows that a few worthless compliments, a few words about what a good hostess she is, how well she helps him, will make her save every cent. Every man knows that if he tells his wife that she looks charmingly beautiful in her last year's dress, she will not exchange this dress for the latest Parisian novelty. Every man knows that kissing his wife in the eyes, he can close them to her for very, very many things, making her blind like a bat, and that it is enough for him to kiss her on the lips to make her become dumb like a fish.

And every wife knows that her husband knows all this about her because she herself provided him with exhaustive information about how she should be treated in order to achieve the goal. And she will never understand whether to be angry with him or resent him, because he will rather quarrel with her and receive badly cooked food for this, rather agree that she will squander his money, he will buy her new dresses, cars and pearls, he'd rather go for all that than bother to flatter her a little and treat her the way she asks.

Conclusion

Summing up, we can say that such words as "politeness", "etiquette", "chivalry", "manners", unfortunately, very rarely (and even too rarely) penetrate into the sphere of marital relations. Perhaps the reason for this is our hard life, when the only problem that occupies the minds is the question of how to snatch an extra penny in order to make it to the next paycheck. Good manners simply succumb to the heap of life's difficulties. But the opinion that everyday comfort determines psychological comfort seems to me to be erroneous. Without psychological comfort, normal life, normal work of a person is impossible. And this comfort begins in the family, therefore, the observance of family, matrimonial etiquette should occupy one of the most important places in the life of every “cell of society”.

References

1. "Encyclopedia of a young family", Mn, 1989.

2. Grebennikov I. V. “Fundamentals of family life”, M., 1991.

3. Kamychek Ya. "Politeness for every day", Mn., 1966.

4. Carnegie D. "How to win friends and influence people", Mn., 1990.

5. Ethics. Textbook for universities. M., 1996.

habits and tastes

I will devote this paragraph to the topic of family etiquette. Further, I will describe life situations in which it is worth making a correction in a relationship. I will speak specifically for women about men, because. to a greater extent, everything is in the hands of a woman, she decides whether her life will flourish with a man or gradually collapse.

I noticed that men do not complain too much about women and their habits, but women often talk about what her lover does such a thing. Rather, this fact can be attributed to the majority of gossips, in the role of which it is women who act. Another thing is that women always strive to improve everything, correct it, correct it, and men, as a rule, are satisfied with everything, even the most difficult situations, not to mention simple trifles. Also, women very often think that a man will change. But reality shows that men in their majority remain exactly as they were and before cohabitation/marriage.

It’s just that we women always love to believe in a miracle that I’ll take it and change my man. Good. Then let me ask you the following questions: What are you doing to change your man? How many remarks and reproaches do you make to him? Hasn't it become a habit, and you still hope that by repeating it from time to time, like a parrot, he will still come to his senses and do it the way you want it? In part, you will be right if you answer yes to the last question, but I repeat, in part. So, let's take a closer look.

You will be right that you believe in your man and what you say about your desires. But like a parrot talking it would be too much. A man does not like when he is considered stupid. You can systematically respond in a certain way to his actions that you do not like and would like to correct, and see if this changes something or is it worth trying a different method. You must first understand what exactly you do not like about him and how did you react to this behavior before? For example, a woman meets a man who smokes and thinks that he will quit at any moment. Yes, it happens that a man himself decides to stop smoking, having found for himself another source of rest and relaxation, but this does not happen to everyone. And I’ll tell you more that with the one who surpassed him in something, in no case is it worth it, it hurts the male ego, and you are no longer so desirable in his eyes.

A woman, meeting, thinks that they will begin to live together, or as soon as they have a baby, he will immediately take it and leave it. But no, in fact, 90% of men continue to smoke, because everything suits them and he is not going to “bend” under the situation. The man thinks he already accepted and loved for who he is, once they married him or began to live together. What should a woman do in this case? She first needs to find ways that can be pleasant and interesting (besides smoking) for a man. What is right for him. Something that will also help him relax and be in his “cave”, where no one touches him, and he can do what he sees fit. Indeed, often a man in this way simply retires, tries to forget about problems and relax. And this must be understood and accepted first of all for a woman.

The second thing she should do is talk to him about an alternative that he might enjoy besides smoking. Just, for example, try to work together to reduce the number of cigarettes smoked, in return he gets a favorite massage, or hours of unity with his favorite pastime, or meeting friends without your control, or something else that could stimulate a man to this goal. Those. the point is to say whatever you want with your man and look for compromises, accepting his nature and needs. Do not press, as many do, making him a fool for the umpteenth time, emphasizing his weakness.

If you are dating and you are already annoyed by this or that habit in a man, you should think about whether you are ready to continue to accept his habits, because in most cases they will remain the same. When you get married, you must clearly understand that you accept your lover as he is and are ready to support life and.

Remember, dear women, a man loves, respects and appreciates only the one that respects its boundaries, appreciates the man she has chosen and opens her heart to him, admitting her mistakes and accepting the nature of another. Only such a woman can change her man for the better, and only thanks to such a man is he ready to change and be the best for her. When you make a choice, think, and when you make it, accept.

What if I don't want to accept it like this

After studying many questions regarding this topic, I realized the following: girls, you should soberly assess the current situation. First of all, you should be distracted by finding yourself a new occupation that would enthrall you from small and large problems with a man. Distraction has always been, and remains the best solution for understanding further actions and working out relationships.

However, there are things that in no case should a woman endure:

insults against you
ridicule and mockery
rude speech that is not pleasant to you
indecent behavior
or anything else that offends you as a woman

You should be offended, cry, or anything else that could drastically affect, push him to change his behavior. You also need to understand the following: if you have tolerated this behavior before, and after a while you get tired of it, then it will not be easy to change it.

And yes, finally, I would like to add so that you do not forget that you do not need to completely adjust a loved one to suit you. After all each of us is individual and we are beautiful in our own way, we have our own nature, from which we will not completely leave, we can adapt to a loved one, but do not lose your individuality, look for compromises and be on the same wavelength with your desires and loved ones. This is me on the topic of those minor troubles that sometimes annoy spouses. For example: he snores, and she constantly pulls off the blanket; he scatters things, and she likes to clean up his "mess"; he likes to be with friends, and she talks for a long time on the phone, etc.

Update date: 03.11.2017

Home is the place where we relax. Or logically, the house should have a relaxing effect on us. But it depends on how the relationships between households are built and what order is established in terms of personal boundaries and interaction. Etiquette rules make life easier in the family and society.

Many family rules are based on respect, trust, personal boundaries and courtesy. Some of them are so elementary that even talking about them is even inconvenient. But experience tells us that once again remembering them will not hurt.

So, a set of rules of family etiquette:

Clean neat clothes. You should not wear at home something that has gone out of fashion, worn out, skidded, stretched out, and so on. This borders on disrespect for oneself and others. In addition, we set an example for our children, which should not be forgotten.
Any affectionate family nicknames are appropriate only in a narrow family circle, where there are no strangers.
neither husband nor wife is called "spouse" - this is too official a word that is appropriate at events, but not in a friendly atmosphere.
It is unacceptable to refer to the mother-in-law or mother-in-law, calling them "grandmother." She is not a grandmother to her son-in-law or daughter-in-law! If, due to existing relationships, there is no desire to address elderly parents as “mom” or “dad”, then it is better to call by name and patronymic and “you”. Although it is natural for grandchildren to address “grandmother” and “grandfather” and “you”.

Showing attention to his wife, giving her a coat, letting her through the door not only in public places, but also at home is the sacred duty of the husband and father of the family. To be kind and helpful in public, but not at home - children will notice such a position very quickly and will adopt the same attitude of their father towards their mother, I will not respect her and reckon with her opinion. Keep this in mind. But if outwardly a man is polite and correct, but in his heart he does not respect his woman, the children will also quickly figure it out and draw conclusions. But this is already from the field of psychology, not etiquette.
Therefore, in public places, the wife should have the right to the first dance.
What to do with guests if they are friends with only one of the spouses, and are unpleasant to the other? It is better not to take them at home in the absence of your half and accept invitations. Here the line is rather thin - if these people are somehow unpleasant to your spouse - it is worth considering for what reason. Otherwise, over time, this can lead to a break either with these people or in the family.

In principle, many rules of etiquette in the family are not born from scratch and stem from a trusting relationship in a couple. If you truly trust your spouse, then you will not check messages in your wallet, rummage through personal things. And even more so, speak about him or her in a negative way in front of children or strangers. If things really are that bad, then what are you doing around this person?
The same goes for parents and children. Problems are usually born in families where personal boundaries are violated. By them are meant personal things, time, space, money (pocket money for children), opinion. Respect for all this is manifested even in such a trifle as knocking on a room before entering it.
Never scold children and spouse in front of strangers. This is the most painful thing for any pride. Find out any relationship behind closed doors. There is nothing worse than quarrels and gossip in front of children.
Do not complain about your wife or husband to outsiders. It does more harm than good, even if you are looking for help. If you consult, then with a person who is wise in experience and life or a psychologist. At least they won't do any harm with their recommendations.
If they complain about family life to you, but do not ask for help, do not meddle with recommendations. Elementary sympathy is enough to make a person feel better.
In the event of a conflict between spouses, the eldest member of the family cannot take either side. Not because it's easier. It is wiser to remain neutral and not interfere, so as not to mess things up.

The most difficult point. The rules for raising children should be the same for everyone. This applies to demands, punishments and rewards. Otherwise, there will be no order. If the wife or older family members do not agree with the methods of raising children or grandchildren, it is better not to argue in the presence of babies and teenagers. Nobody canceled the family hierarchy - we live in a society where the rules of subordination are identical in different structures.

It's not even just the ability to be tactful and mutually polite. The family is a bulwark of stability in our too dynamic world. If over the years people do not learn how to effectively interact in such a small team as a family, then what kind of team can you even dream of? After all, in any community, the ability to get along with people and achieve results through teamwork is valued.

Where to learn this if not in the family?

There is no one in the world more dear than relatives, this is a fact. But it turns out to be rather paradoxical, because we try to behave culturally, with restraint and according to the rules of etiquette with anyone, but not with relatives, justifying our behavior by the fact that they are “their own” and will understand everything without unnecessary ceremonies.

Most of these people, we either see for the first time in our lives, or we won’t see them at all anymore. The question arises - why is this happening and what can be done about it? After all, restraint, culture and goodwill are the basis of any relationship, including family relationships, the perception of each other within the framework of mutual understanding and the right to self-expression. And nothing else can act as a guarantee for strong relationships in the family, protect it from misunderstandings and unnecessary insults.

We lay the etiquette of family life from childhood

One should understand the importance of cultural conversion in the family, because its manifestation in society begins with each of us, and its formation - from childhood.

There is nothing difficult in observing the rules of good taste. It is much more pleasant to accept good manners as a habit and show it not only at work, in public places, but also at home. Thus, speaking to children about good manners and good behavior, it is possible in practice to show how a child should act in certain situations and, most importantly, to focus on the fact that good manners are not a function that must be turned on in public and turned off at home. . Rather, it is a state that the child must endure from the family and maintain throughout life.

This is exactly what happened to our grandfathers and great-grandfathers. From father to son, from mother to daughter, a sense of tolerance and obedience to elders, relatives and friends, respect for others were transmitted and brought up. And to this day, families have preserved the traditions of education, which cherish a benevolent attitude towards each member of the family - whether it be the eldest or the youngest member.

The task of family etiquette, as well as etiquette in general, is to lay respect for the opinions of other people, not to hurt their feelings with your statements and actions, to show attention to loved ones and others, not to show neglect in their direction. In family etiquette, as in every family, there should be no manifestation of selfishness of any of the family members. First of all, the family is a single whole, and even if you fail to build good relationships with someone close (a common example is the mother-in-law or mother-in-law), this is not a reason for them to be disrespectful.

Basic rules of family etiquette

Your negative judgments about someone from the family or others should not be voiced in front of children. Remember that children are like sponges - they soak up everything that surrounds them. Having heard unpleasant statements in the direction of family friends or acquaintances, the child may not understand what this is connected with and why then they communicate with them, and on the other hand, the child, without a twinge of conscience, can come up and find out from the object of discussion what the problem is. That's when a really unpleasant situation can arise, the hostages of which, often, become adults. If there really is a need to discuss relatives, acquaintances, or their actions, do it privately, being alone.

Correspondence requires the same secrecy as discussion. This applies not only to married couples, but also to parents - in no case should you study someone else's correspondence. Remember, only the one to whom the letter is addressed has the right to open the envelope with the letter, and even if it is signed from the closest relative, but it is not for you - give the letter to the addressee, if desired, he will read it in the presence of the family or give it to read personally.

The personal belongings of each of us also attract researchers like the second half, or caring parents. But even such a status of kinship and relationships does not allow anyone to rummage through the bags and backpacks of their loved ones, especially to check notebooks, diaries, and so on. Justifications for actions under the guise of control or guardianship will not work, even if motivated by good intentions, a scandal in the family, when the truth comes out, cannot be avoided.

Respect children!

The child requires special respect. As you know, the trust of children is a rather fragile concept, therefore, one should not risk it by rummaging through his personal records. In the best case, misunderstanding will arise, and the relationship between you and your child will deteriorate, in the worst case, the child will become secretive and begin to lie, and even then you will not be able to help yourself or him.

Respect for personal space is manifested not only in the sovereignty of personal belongings, but also in territorial integrity. Before breaking it, knock on the door. It is important to do this not only before entering the teenager's room, but also when entering the child's room. His closed door is not at all an obstacle in your way, it may mean that a person wants to be alone, that he changes clothes or does something important, from which he does not want to be distracted. Show respect to him and be sure to knock before entering.

There are many reasons to knock and enter the room, one of them may be an invitation to the table, a joint family meal. Do not forget about etiquette while eating. Remember about it when you set the table - when it is set beautifully and neatly, then it is much more pleasant to follow the rules of etiquette. It is customary for most families to beautifully set the table only for guests, but this is not correct. Do not be lazy and decorate the table every time you gather for a meal with your family. After eating, do not forget to say "thank you" to everyone who is sitting at the table, and if there is a need to get up from the table earlier, you should ask permission.

Do not be lazy to say nice words to your loved ones and show respect for them!

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