Incomplete family, children from incomplete families. Raising a child in an incomplete family: features and possible consequences
Initially, nature laid it down so that the child is brought up by dad and mom. The fruit of the love of two people grows, develops and learns the world together with the closest people. Such a family is complete. However, in our time, defective families have become almost the norm, because many women give birth to children out of wedlock, for themselves, raising a child for two.
Often families break up - and the child remains in the upbringing of the mother. How does one parent cope with education? What are the features of raising children in incomplete families?
How to raise a child in an incomplete family
According to demographers, every tenth child of preschool age is brought up by one parent. At school age, this is already one in seven. Among incomplete families, the tendency of the "maternal" family, that is, the upbringing of the child by one mother, persists. However, there are families where children are raised by fathers. How does the incompleteness of the family affect the child?
Incomplete families arise for a variety of reasons: in connection with the death of one of the parents, divorce, the birth of a child out of wedlock.
The upbringing atmosphere of the family where the mother was widowed is more favorable than in the family where the divorce happened. Preserved family ties provide children with psychological support and compensate for the lack of communication. If there are several children in such a family, then this can also be a partial compensation for the incompleteness of the family. Usually the elder becomes the younger "leader", stimulates him in the social sphere, acts as a protector.
Psychologists state that in incomplete families, children compete less and are more attached to each other. In the event of a divorce of parents, they simply "pass" the exam for early adulthood. Divorce for them is a breaking of habitual relationships, traditions, foundations. Divorce has the greatest impact on preschool children. In such an incomplete family, the relationship between parent and child sometimes develops like a cult of self-sacrifice. This means that mother and child are connected by love, suffering, pain, sadness. This type of relationship gives rise to pessimism in the child, self-doubt, anxiety, gloomy moods. And sometimes the relationship between a parent and a child in a family after a divorce develops according to the type of indifference. The child is not noticed, the mother suffers and is given over to sadness and resentment. Often this resentment can spill over into the child. Then he becomes even more weak in soul and body, feeling the loss of his father and mother at the same time.
Therefore, after a divorce or in the event of a baby being born without a father, the mother should do everything so that the baby feels the absence of the second parent to a minimum. Consultations of a child psychologist, communication with teachers will be useful. Very often, the grandfather or other male relative of the family begins to play the role of the father in such families. A child, especially a boy, intuitively reaches out to a man who looks like his father, because he wants to compensate for the lack of male attention and care. Well, if such a man is nearby.
Raising children without a father
Today, fathers are much more actively involved in the upbringing of children, even after a divorce. As a rule, mothers are democratic and allow the child to communicate with the father. Indeed, after a divorce, the absence of a father is very felt by children. Without it, the child lacks authority and discipline.
After a divorce, a huge role is played by the attitude of the mother towards her ex-husband, who in any case remains a dad. Some women do not mention their husband and live as if he never existed. Others deliberately oust everything good about their father from their children's memory, taking the opportunity to mention him from a negative side. Wise women try not to change the image of the father in the representation of children. They remember both the good and the bad, giving children the opportunity to draw their own conclusions. Psychologists say that creating the image of a bad father after a divorce is the lot of weak and not far-sighted women. After all, the boy in this case will develop with complexes, and the girl will subconsciously think that all men are bad.
The absence of a father, according to scientists, negatively affects the mathematical abilities of boys and girls.
These abilities are extinguished due to the lack of an intellectual environment that a man creates. Girls who grew up without a father always have a fear of math. Even simple mathematical calculations lead them to panic, confusion.
The presence of a father in the family affects both the mental development of children and their interest in education. According to studies, the time a boy spends with his father affects his studies. The more they communicate, the better the son learns. An active and businesslike father, aimed at success, makes the boy want to imitate him. For him, he is an authority and a model in everything.
The first 5 years of life play a decisive role in the development of a male character in a boy. The longer at this time the child has to live without a father, the greater will be the difficulties in his gender identity.
If a boy is brought up by one mother, then one can observe in him a manifestation of female character traits, a preference for activities characteristic of girls.
In the development of the girl, the father is the main man, the model to which she will subsequently orient her relations with men. Psychological research states that a girl's relationship with her father in early childhood affects her future personal life. Women raised by friendly and affectionate fathers tend to be successful in marriage, sexually and spiritually. And those whose father was faceless or did not exist at all are more often unhappy in marriage. Such girls are clamped and constrained, they often have inferiority complexes, they consider themselves ugly and unworthy of happiness. Even in a small and familiar company, they remain silent and blush, feel uncomfortable, prefer loneliness. Therefore, they cannot arrange their personal lives. Relationships with men cause them fear. That is, the lack of paternal influence when a girl grows up makes it difficult for her to develop as a woman and complicates the formation of intergender communication skills. Such women are very often divorced, as are their mothers.
Features of raising children in single-parent families
The breakup of a family is almost always a trauma for the child's psyche. But often the parent left to raise the child does not try to mitigate this trauma. In their bitter throwing and grievances, women often forget about children. They, in turn, consider themselves abandoned by both parents.
Other mothers after the breakup try to take on a double mission. They are trying to replace both dad and mom at the same time. This mission is very rarely feasible, because in a complete family, the father and mother occupy their own niches. At the junction of educational positions there is a golden mean, which makes it possible to competently educate children.
A single mother wants to replace the boy's father. She's getting stricter than usual. Mom begins to make increased demands on him and sometimes even becomes cruel.
But psychologists believe that upbringing in an incomplete family can be a normal process, only it is carried out in more difficult conditions for the mother. The qualities of a parent who raises a child may well compensate for the lack of another parent after the breakup of the family. The child perfectly differentiates the mother from the father, so you should not take on impossible missions.
The mother's main educational weapon should be double responsibility. The kid should feel that he is still protected, loved, that he is ready to listen, help and support.
Very often, after the divorce of their parents, the guys at school listen to the stories of their peers about their fathers, joint family pastime. This causes them hidden envy and resentment. It is good if after the divorce the child communicates with the father. If this does not happen, then such grievances over time can even result in hatred of the mother, mental disorders and the development of phobias.
- Communicate with your child more often and listen to him. Ask questions, be interested in his life in kindergarten and school, relationships with friends, peers.
- Praise your son or daughter more often. Don't punish them. An emotionally stable atmosphere will keep the child's trust in the mother and self-esteem, self-confidence.
- Do not forbid remembering the past, in particular the father. This is a child's right.
- Help your son and daughter learn behaviors that match their gender.
- Expand and develop family social ties. The child should be able to actively communicate and build relationships with the men you know.
- A new marriage is a chance for the child to return to life in a full-fledged family. And here it is important that a relationship of mutual understanding and love develop between the new chosen one of the mother and her child.
Especially for - Diana Rudenko
Hello dear guests of our blog! Today our article touches on a sad topic, let's talk about the features of raising children in an incomplete family. Let's talk about the problems facing children, as well as ways to solve them. Details in the article!
In our time, single-parent families are becoming more and more common. The reasons why this happens are different - the widowhood of one of the spouses, divorce, or the woman voluntarily decides to become a single mother. Mostly there are families where a woman raises a child alone, but, judging by the statistics, the number of families where there is only a father is also increasing. Be that as it may, this is always accompanied by many problems, both for the parent (and even for both) and for the child.
No matter how cruel it may sound, the most favorable situation for the baby is when one of the parents dies. In most cases, in this situation, the child has pleasant memories of the deceased, which are regularly fed by others. Plus - this is tremendous support from relatives, ties with which are not broken, on the contrary - sometimes they become even stronger.
Another plus is when the family has not one, but several children. Psychologists say that in incomplete families, conflicts and rivalry between children are much less common than in families where there are both parents. Often older children, if the age difference is large, can become mentors for the younger ones, "replacing" the one who left the family for one reason or another.
Problems of raising children in an incomplete family
In fact, there are a lot of difficulties in a family where there is only one parent. The following stand out in particular:
How to avoid such problems
In no case should you forbid the child to have pleasant memories of a past life in the family, on the contrary, support him. Try not to show obvious negativity towards the second spouse, because for the child he has not ceased to be a close person, and the parent is the parent.
Well, and of course, breaking off relations, a man and a woman should not project this onto a common child, but try to maintain a warm relationship with the child. This will help him in his later adult life not to feel negative towards one or the other sex. Build fulfilling and healthy relationships with the people around you, and play your part in our society.
We talked about the peculiarities of raising children in an incomplete family. We advise you to additionally read the article "". The child should not just grow up in a family where there is a mother and father, both of them must take part in his upbringing. That is, in fact, a complete family is not just a family where mom and dad are stereotyped, it is a family where both of them take an active part in raising their own child. Read the full article for details!
According to the demographer A. G. Volkov, among children of preschool age, every tenth child is brought up by one parent, and among children of school age - every seventh. Today, among incomplete families, the "mother" family is still the most common. However, the number of families with single fathers is also increasing. How does the incompleteness of the family affect the emotional well-being of the child? What can be the hidden and obvious educational risks of an incomplete family and how to deal with them?
Every broken family has its own story. Such a family arises in connection with the widowhood of a parent, with a divorce, as well as with the birth of a child out of wedlock.
No matter how tragic the formation of an incomplete family in connection with the early death of one of the parents, its educational atmosphere is considered more favorable than in the previous versions. Especially if the former family ties are preserved, which provide children with emotional support and compensate for the lack of communication, and the remaining parent enjoys the respect and help of relatives and friends.
The presence of several children in an incomplete family also makes it possible to partially compensate for incompleteness. If adults behave correctly, the older child will become a “leader” for the younger one, an incentive in the social sphere. The elder will be able to take the position of a defender, to feel the life confidence he needs so much. It is known that in incomplete families, sisters and brothers compete much less and are more emotionally attached to each other. The help of grandparents is usually invaluable.
Mothers who raise children without the participation of fathers are twice as likely as married mothers to rate the upbringing process as difficult. A single mother often has all sorts of fears and concerns: “how not to spoil”, “would not get out of hand”, “bad heredity will suddenly appear.” Then the mothers begin to sharply dose the manifestation of affection, try - especially when communicating with their sons - to play the role of "strict fathers" ... and usually this does not lead to anything good. After all, children perceive paternal and maternal authoritarianism differently. Paternal criticism is just criticism; the maternal one is subconsciously perceived by the child as a refusal to love him. The child either begins to fight for the need to feel loved and significant, using the entire arsenal of means available to him, including stubbornness and whims, or surrenders and grows infantile, accepting the total dominance of a woman as the norm. And this is fraught with future deformation of gender identity, disruption of emotional ties with the world of people.
The opposite of the rigid position of the mother in relation to the child is the position of universal pity for the "orphan girl", who, by definition, is simply allowed to do everything. Such a position creates the conditions for the emergence of egoistic claims of the child, he is deprived of the opportunity to learn inner confidence and does not receive the experience of the sincere presence of an adult in his life.
In a complete family, parents appear before their children not only in parental roles, but also as a man and a woman in a marital partnership. It is this facet of interpersonal relationships that turns out to be a deficit of an incomplete family. As a result, there is often a redistribution of roles here according to the principle "a holy place is never empty." Life in an incomplete family often encourages a child to implement such functions as “replacing one of the family members”, “being friends in family unions”, “keeping family secrets” ... This early experience has a strong impact on the child’s psyche, it has a traumatic effect on the processes of his gender-role socialization.
Adaptation to a different lifestyle in the role of a parent "without a couple", the development of new forms family life is a complex psychological task. For divorced parents, this is a real test of adulthood. But the difficult situation makes the child grow up faster. For him, the life of his parents is a break in familiar relationships, a conflict between attachment to his father and mother. And divorce has the most profound impact on preschool children. Due to their age tendency to conservatively adhere to the usual forms of behavior and the established order, children have difficulty adapting to the new. Tie a scarf to your baby in a different way than usual, and he will not calm down until you tie it correctly - what can we say about such cardinal changes in the usual way of life!
In an incomplete family, especially those formed after a divorce, the relationship between the remaining parent and child can develop according to the “cult of self-sacrifice” model, when parents and children are connected to each other not only by love and care, but also by suffering, pain, sadness. Such a family brings a lot of uncertainty, anxiety, worry, gloomy moods to the child. When a parent plunges into the world of his experiences, he emotionally "leaves" his child, from which the children begin to weaken in soul and body, feeling not only the loss of their father, but also - in part - of their mother.
Today, fathers are much more actively involved in the upbringing and care of the child literally from an early age. Therefore, now his absence is felt by children more strongly and is experienced harder than in the past. Without a father, the child lacks authority, discipline, order, it is more difficult to form emotional restraint, self-respect, self-discipline and organization, gender identification is difficult. The mother's style of behavior towards her ex-husband is important. Some never mention him and pretend, contrary to their own memories of the children, that they never had a father. Others try to erase from the memory of their children any positive memory of him - an allegedly worthless husband and father. In these cases, the mother encroaches on the development of self-esteem, self-esteem of the child - it is difficult to consider yourself good, believing that you were born by a bad and unworthy person. And the wisest mothers create in children the idea of the father as a person who has his own positive traits and his own shortcomings.
As noted by the well-known specialist, the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, the easiest thing for a mother is to instill in her child that the father is “bad”. But in this case, the boy often pays with the development of complexes, and it becomes difficult for the growing girl to imagine that a man can be desired.
What can be advised to parents raising children in an incomplete family?
Talk to your child and listen to him! Support his desire to be understood and heard by you when he talks about kindergarten or school in order to stay in touch with him all the time.
Praise rather than punish! An emotionally stable and optimistic atmosphere in the family will keep the child's confidence in the world, strengthen self-esteem and self-confidence.
Be sympathetic to the child's right to memories of the past.
Do not shift the functions of an absent parent onto the shoulders of your children!
Help your child learn behaviors appropriate for their gender.
Build your family's social connections so that the child can actively communicate and establish comfortable relationships with familiar men.
Try to enter into a new marriage and return to life in a complete family.
E. P. Arnautova
Discussion
Especially liked the advice to parents raising a child in an incomplete family.
"Talk to the child and listen to him!" - And what, in a complete family, you can not talk to a child?
"Praise more often, but do not punish!" - and if both parents are available, hit three times a day.
"Develop the social ties of your family" - this is also advice, in a complete family it is completely unnecessary ...)))
> -This paragraph of the article speaks just about the benefits of education in single-parent families. What's wrong when children grow up friendly and more emotionally attached to each other?
- with this, I personally, as a mother raising a daughter alone, do not agree. After my divorce, things got easier for me. I know that I have no one to rely on but myself, and there are no disagreements with anyone on issues of education.
> -this is generally complete nonsense. Given that men have become more infantile, I would say just the opposite, that now men generally try not to participate in the upbringing of children. This sociologist of theirs would have gone to a parent-teacher meeting in a kindergarten, he would not have written such nonsense.
But someone would write an article about the so-called "complete families", but in which the presence of a father in a child is nominal. That is, he seems to be, but for some reason, his mother plays football with a preschooler, she rides a bicycle and teaches to swim. And dad reclines on the sofa in front of the TV and for 8 years of his life as a child, he went for a walk with him as many times. And if something in the behavior of the child does not suit him, then he reprimands the mother - "Your upbringing !!!"
Well, why is such a "complete" family better than an incomplete one ??? What kind of "gender identification" can we talk about when there is an example of such a father in front of our eyes)))
Comment on the article "Raising a child in an incomplete family"
Something I'm confused ..... If our children in a foster family are on full state care, then children in orphanages are on what kind of support? I can not find a clear explanation in the laws.
Discussion
Of course not. They are not fully supported by the state. At a minimum, they use the guardian's accommodation and property. No refund will be given for this. Legally being in the family of the guardian, they can be fully supported by the state if they are placed in an appropriate boarding school or similar state institution. In exactly the same way as blood children who are placed in institutions by parents, while remaining legal representatives and family. State. provision cannot be considered complete if a hostel is not provided, honey. maintenance and other items mentioned in the definition.
But to refuse on this basis, of course, is very convenient. In our region, some social benefits are denied, referring to this motive.
PROCEDURE FOR APPOINTMENT AND PAYMENT OF SOCIAL BENEFITS IN THE MOSCOW REGION
36. To assign a monthly allowance to disabled children, the following documents are required:
a) an application for the appointment of a monthly allowance for disabled children, indicating the method of receiving the allowance (transfer to an account opened with a credit institution; transfer to the account of the federal post office);
b) passport or other identity document in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation;
c) a birth certificate of a child or other documents confirming, in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, the fact of the birth of a child;
d) a certificate of the institution of the state service of medical and social expertise, confirming the fact of establishing the category "disabled child", for a child who has been assigned the category "disabled child";
e) documents confirming the place of residence of the applicant and the disabled or HIV-infected child in the Moscow region;
(signed "e" as amended by the Decree of the Government of the Moscow Region of 06.06.2013 N 383/21)
f) an extract from the house book or other document confirming the number of persons registered at the place of residence of the disabled child or HIV-infected child and the applicant. When registering legal representatives at different addresses, these documents are submitted from the place of residence of each legal representative;
(as amended by the Decree of the Government of the Moscow Region of 06.06.2013 N 383/21)
g) an extract from the decision of the guardianship and guardianship body on the establishment of guardianship (guardianship) over the child (children) - for the child (children) under guardianship (guardianship), transferred to a foster family;
h) a court decision on deprivation of parental rights or restriction of parental rights - for a child (children), in respect of which the parent (parents) is deprived of parental rights or restricted in parental rights;
i) the decision of the guardianship and guardianship authorities or the decision of the court on the acquisition of full legal capacity in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation - for a child (children) under the age of 18, recognized as fully capable;
j) documents confirming information on family income for the three months preceding the month of application - for a disabled child or for an HIV-infected child living in a family whose average per capita income does not exceed the subsistence level established in accordance with the legislation of the Moscow Region for per capita;
Point g) this is for you. What area do you live in?
This woman does not drink or smoke. She loves her children and is afraid of losing them. Children love their mother and are afraid of losing her. But the well-fed and self-confident lady social worker believes that the mother "inappropriately takes care of the child." And about how it should and how not, she decides for herself. The worst thing is that now more and more families will be at risk. Video: [link-1] On the one hand, people are impoverished, while they are being corrupted from TV screens 24 hours a day, propagating ...
Well, I lived in such a family. the hatred was simply zoological, on both sides. endured for me, like that, so that the child lives in a complete family. both at the same time told me all this, like I hate your mother (father), but there is you, and no one will be happy in life.
Discussion
If this is real _victim_ for the sake of children, then, most likely, this will begin to affect the attitude of the donor to the child. Because the child will not appreciate this sacrifice. And invaluable large victims - they greatly corrode the soul ...
Definitely, people have the right, and should! - arrange your personal life. It will be for the good of all.
Mom and dad can no longer be together, but where should the child go when they divorce? The question is very painful and acute. Often we do not know how to even tell our baby about a divorce, how to explain our decision, how to prepare him for a new life. Many parents make the mistake of establishing a hostile relationship with each other. Thus, from childhood, the feeling of safety and security of the child gets a gap, which means that he cannot develop calmly. Many parents think...
It is generally accepted that a boy can be raised as a real man only in a complete family, when the child has an example to follow before his eyes. This delusion sometimes becomes the reason that a woman is ready to save her family at any cost. And even if the marriage broke up, the mother, worrying about the fate of her son, hurries to tie herself up with a new relationship, not really thinking about how this man suits her. The main thing is that the son should have an example before his eyes. But to what extent is this statement...
The international forum "Large families and the future of mankind" opened in the capital today. It is part of the Holiness of Motherhood program. The forum brought together those for whom family happiness and love of children are not just words - a part of their own life and a source of fullness of existence. Based on their own experience, the participants try to understand under what conditions the traditional family will not only survive in the modern world, but also become its spiritual and moral support. Telling the news...
My profession is a social pedagogue. I work at the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children. We work with children from families that require special social participation. It is difficult for children, and even more difficult for their parents. For example, an incomplete family, where a mother alone brings up children or a single mother, a large family or a foster family. There are also representatives of the so-called “risk group”, where one of the household members suffers from alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions ... Accordingly, children ...
Today I submitted a writ of execution to the UFSSP, drove to work, went to the post office, and here is an article on a topical topic... :) self-employed, from the age of 18 to 23, a bill has been introduced in the lower house of parliament According to the current legislation, the second parent must pay child support until the child reaches ...
Discussion
It will be a good amendment, fair. To be honest, it always amazes me how it is possible, without a twinge of conscience, to dump all the worries about the development of children on their feet on the one with whom the children were left.
It is good to. And then dads don’t even blow in their mustache that children have nothing to learn from.
Alimony is due from the ex-husband, not from the state. And in order to receive benefits as the poor and the corresponding benefits, it is not necessary to get divorced, even a complete family can apply for them if the income is small.
Discussion
It’s just that you can’t count on anything on the fact of a divorce, there are no benefits and payments to the divorced from the state. Alimony is due from the ex-husband, not from the state.
And in order to receive benefits as the poor and the corresponding benefits, it is not necessary to get divorced, even a complete family can apply for them if the income is small.
But it's best to still get to the social security. If there is not enough information on the Internet, this is all open information, you can easily calculate your income and understand whether it is worth taking time off from work.
Social services work, sometimes, until eight in the evening. Exactly in Moscow on Mondays, and maybe there is a second day. Therefore, you definitely do not have to ask.
Many mothers are often concerned that their children grow up without a father, which means that the absence of a “male hand” can, in their opinion, negatively affect the future of the child. But does the absence of a father really lay a negative scenario? System-vector psychology claims that in the upbringing of a child, a much greater role is played not by the one who raises the child, but by the correspondence of upbringing to natural inclinations. More details at the link below.
There is an opinion that children brought up in an incomplete family, growing up, experience difficulties in creating and maintaining their own families, and also with difficulty go through the process of socialization in society. However, is it only the absence of a second parent that negatively affects the upbringing of a child in an incomplete family? Or are there other reasons for his failures in life? Reviews of thousands of people indicate that systemic vector psychoanalysis is a test of the innate properties of parents and a child, as well as a differentiated ...
The child receives no less love and attention than from mothers in complete families. Another example is not entirely in the subject: a friend, being married to a wealthy husband) decided to go to work after a 10-year break.
Discussion
I have been working since the age of 6 months. Civil service. There are also weekend jobs. After the garden / due to illness - a nanny. Now at school, second grade. Taught me how to get home from school for emergencies right away. After school - she goes to additional classes (I specially arranged her for a school near work) - I often take her away at lunchtime. After the musical school, he does lessons there, and after work I pick him up. Once a week - goes home and waits for me there.
We spend holidays together. Evening at home together, to work/school an hour on the road - together. Well, how else? want to eat)
If in the evenings you give them at least an hour in total for communication and games, they will be no more abandoned than children in complete families.
Following the example of my friends, single mothers are strong and financially independent women: one is a freelancer, the other is the head of a law firm. The second works strictly until five and rushes home to the child (two-year-old and second in a row). The child receives no less love and attention than from mothers in complete families.
Another example is not entirely in the subject: a friend, being married to a wealthy husband) decided to go to work after a 10-year break. You have children of the same age. The younger one goes to the DS, the older one goes to the library after school and does his homework there.
See what you can do, what you want and what salary you need. Next, look for a vacancy and convince the employer that you are what you need.
Or work for yourself on a free schedule.
How to raise a child in an incomplete family so that he does not feel inferior, so that this fact of his biography does not affect his development in a sad way? It's possible.
In my fifteen years of practice in kindergarten, I accurately identify children from dysfunctional families. Although the parents of the child do not drink, the family is complete, but the matter is different. In emotional well-being. Or rather, in his absence. How poor and wretched these children are! How restless they are! What a strong motor excitation in some and, conversely, lethargy, slowness in others. Children often get sick, worse adapt to the environment. By interacting with such a child, you can ...
A dysfunctional family is a family that: - in a social and legal context is “deviant” and / or not in families that you see happy, we also portrayed happy for the last 7 years. You have a lot of opportunities, so go for it. And without despondency.
Discussion
A dysfunctional family is a family that:
- in a social and legal context is "abnormal" and/or unable to provide a living wage to its members;
- has suboptimal socio-psychological performance and/or whose member(s) suffer from physical/mental illnesses;
- leads an illegal activity, violates the rights of an individual or whose member (s) have already committed a crime (offence).
This is if a dysfunctional family is considered from the point of view. social work.
Load the child with circles up to the ears and everything will be ok. Now there are a lot of free ones, you just need to find them. And then if the preschool child is difficult, then what will happen to the student. I have a second daughter, smart, beautiful. But for me, for me, it is very difficult with her, we are so different from her. Now I constantly remind myself of this, but before I fell into a rage. You tell her the word, she answers you 100, and after all, at 10 years old, she is very wise in life. the eldest is the same as me and it’s easy for me. So there’s no need for defeatist moods, I’m also poorly paid, I take on everything where I can earn money and it turns out quite normally. We also eat sparingly, there is everyday food, but there is something that is bought once a week , a month and it doesn’t depend on how much money I have, I determined the amount for food and have been adhering to it for many years. I also try to buy clothes cheaper, at one time I began to buy expensive ones, but they spoil it, now there is also a limit on clothing prices .No fur coat, but I planned it. No car, and no rights, I didn’t finish my studies. There is an MCH with rights, not too sleek, but we will fix it. We will plan the car. And my BM, after a divorce, who got himself a driver with a car, a maid for NJ yesterday, to remind me of money for children, which he is obliged under the contract to transfer to me on the 5th, once again said - there is no money. I call him that - Mr. netyu money. He bought leather furniture a week ago, but he forgot about the fact that children should eat every day. And not all families that you see are happy, we also portrayed happy for the last 7 years. You have plenty of opportunities, so go for it. .
A complete family, a military father, lived only in Moscow, good income, etc. But this is only outwardly. In fact, my elder sister and I have heard enough scandals "through the roof": - (Our dad did not drink at all.
Discussion
Disease, I agree. But not alcoholism, but most likely an endogenous psychotic disorder (schizophrenia, rather), and alcoholism goes along, perhaps even compensates for some experiences.
The reaction of indignation of those who responded is understandable. Probably they have a lot of rational and useful topics for the author. But there is one more point.
The most unfortunate in this situation is just the author's mother. Her mental breakdown is not gross, it doesn't disable her, but it forces her to lead that way. Most likely it consists of two halves - good and bad. And the presence of a good one can also be traced - after all, her husband lived with her, fell in love with her, gave birth to two daughters with her. And one way or another she provided the apartment to one of them. And he is trying to establish relations with them, apparently. Most likely, due to age-related changes, her somehow compensated illness became more pronounced, she stopped controlling what she had been able to do before (not always, but apparently she often managed).
She seems to me rather than a monster, but a deeply unhappy woman living in complete social isolation. Yes, she herself builds and maintains the wall, but this makes her suffering no less.
If she were an alcoholic, then for such a period of time this disease would have to go into the third stage with all the consequences. It doesn't exist here. Alcoholization is compensatory.
To the author of the topic: Your unwillingness to try to organize her psychiatric examination is nothing more than leaving the patient without help. Now there are a lot of mild but effective psychocorrectors that normalize behavior and much more severe patients with even more severe behavioral disorders. You are obligated as a daughter to do everything to help your mother with this.
I want to express my admiration for your endurance and intuitive understanding that the situation is not as simple as it seems at first glance.
It looks like a character, but a disease. Alcoholic psychosis, excuse me, on the basis of alcoholism. Few people (except those who have such people in the family) realize that this is a disease, not a character. I am writing based on a sad family experience (2 cases, both people have already died - from alcoholism). In both cases - a complete change in the psyche, behavior, reactions, aggression. Lack of criticism - ie. "It's all of you who are sick, and I'm the only one who's normal." in one case there was "nonsense of jealousy", in the other - just unmotivated scandals. And I also remembered, I had such an acquaintance. Also - a complete total change in the psyche when taking alcohol.
Unfortunately, nothing could help - only to bring these people (relatives! closest!) Out of life as much as possible. It really is a cross. Your. The main thing is that he does not touch the relationship with her husband. Life is still better with a husband than with a mother.
I preferred to distance myself from relationships, minimal dependence, intervention - at the request of the "other" side, only material (such people are always without money, because they can no longer work fully - there is no health). We were unable to treat them, alas... They do not recognize the problem - they consider themselves healthy.
It is eternal sadness and guilt. But you can’t let them into your life, this is my sad but firm opinion.
Indeed, there is no legal definition of the family in the UK, but the theory proceeds from the fact that the family is a circle of persons "bound by personal non-property and property rights and obligations arising from marriage, kinship ...
Is there really someone who will take it all at face value?
I do not want to offend, but ... Do you need children or a beloved woman? I'm not sure that having given birth to 4 children, I will remain interesting to you. Of course, I don’t belong to any of the signs you listed, but ... It’s just great when a person is ready to provide for his family, but a woman is mainly involved in raising children, and you don’t need attention, don’t you want to be loved? And if you have so many children, either your mother is all about taking care of them or you need to hire a nanny, but is it necessary for a stranger to raise your children - this is also a question. But to have as many as the fact itself, well, excuse me ... Or is a complete family a wife, a large number of children and a mistress? Well, I'm sorry, I probably will never understand men. I don't know how clear I was, but I tried my best to be understood.
Raising a child in an incomplete family... This phrase in modern society has a negative connotation, it somehow initially contains the meaning of inferiority, limitation. A priori, it is believed that raising a child without a father (or without a mother) means that he will not receive something very important - affection, material support, or a personal example of an absent parent.
There is an opinion that children brought up in an incomplete family, growing up, experience difficulties in creating and maintaining their own families, and also with difficulty go through the process of socialization in society. However, is it only the absence of a second parent that negatively affects the upbringing of a child in an incomplete family? Or are there other reasons for his failures in life?
Yuri Burlana helps answer this question.
Raising a child in an incomplete family
“Something you, daughter, have begun to recover ...,” Mom asked suspiciously, looking at the rounded figure of her unmarried daughter. Are you by any chance pregnant?
The girl flushed like a poppy, then turned pale, jumped up and ran into another room.
Mom was confused - she did not expect that her phrase, said to her plump daughter as a joke, would have such an effect. Anxiety squeezed the mother's heart with an icy prickly paw ...
After 4.5 months, the mother became a grandmother, and her daughter became a single mother. And they faced the problem in full growth - how to raise a child without a father who wished to remain a faceless dash in the birth certificate.
A single mother has a huge number of questions regarding the upbringing of children. How to properly raise a child in such conditions? What should you pay attention to? How can a child compensate for the lack of an absent parent?
I’ll make a reservation right away - it is possible to provide a child with a happy childhood and conditions for full development, regardless of whether he is brought up in a complete or incomplete family. To do this, you just need to take into account its innate properties.
And figure out your...
Raising a child without a father - why a man "disappears"
Theoretically, the circumstances that forced a man to leave a woman alone with a child can be very different. But by and large, our life scenario directly depends on our set of vectors, the level of their development and implementation. Attitude towards children, towards their upbringing also depends on the vector set of parents.
As a rule, men who do not want to bind themselves with "extra" obligations that inevitably arise at the birth of a child are the owners of the skin vector. The properties of the skin vector include the desire for novelty (including in terms of sexual relations), the desire to save money and gain benefits. In addition, people with a skin vector are characterized by flexibility of thinking and the ability to quickly adapt to a changing situation.
The innate desire to save money sometimes pushes men with undeveloped properties of the skin vector into actions that public morality condemns. For example, abandoning a pregnant woman.
They can leave their children in the care of a woman without any problems, completely forgetting about their parental obligations. These same men “pay off” with alimony, absolutely not claiming to participate in the educational process.
Raising a child in an incomplete family - What a single mother should know
What is to be done by a woman who is left with a child and is “abandoned” by a man? How to raise a child without a father and raise him happy? It is very important to create optimal conditions for the development of precisely those properties that are inherent in the child from birth. And here Yuri Burlan comes to the rescue, allowing him to differentiate the innate properties of a person.
Understanding what processes are going on in the unconscious of the child, mother, even without the support of a man, it is much easier to find the right approach to the child, to help him fully reveal his potential.
Our reaction to the unfolding events depends on our mental properties - on the set of vectors, as well as on the degree of their development. A mother with a developed skin vector, forced to raise a child without a father, is likely to quickly adapt to the situation. She, with a high degree of probability, will be able to enter into a new relationship and find a stepfather for her child who is ready to provide for the family and participate in the upbringing process.
A completely different picture is formed if the set of mother's vectors includes anal. For people with an anal vector, family values are a priority. It is extremely important for them that everything, including family life, develop in accordance with accepted standards. Under such conditions, the unwillingness of a man to participate in the educational process, his “escape” from the family is perceived as a betrayal and gives rise to a feeling of strong resentment. Moreover, this negative feeling often extends not only to a particular man, but to the entire stronger sex.
In this case, there is an obvious danger for the child - the mother can unconsciously project her grievances onto him. In addition, an offended anal mother often tries to form a negative image of a "traitor father" in the child's mind, not realizing that thereby undermines his sense of psychological security.
For people with an anal vector, the viscosity of thinking is characteristic, the inability to quickly adapt. For them, the first experience is very important - if it is negative, an “anchor” is formed in the mental anal person, preventing him from creating new relationships “from scratch”.
As a result, a woman abandoned by the father of her child cannot enter into a new relationship. The problem is often aggravated by sexual frustrations, the anal vector gives a woman a powerful libido, and innate conservatism does not allow getting satisfaction in casual relationships.
A little temporary relief in this case is given by sadism and criticism. And "under fire" very often are the closest people, including a child.
The absence of a strong male shoulder, on which we could rely on when raising a child, makes us even more demanding of ourselves and our children - after all, there is no worse shame than the neighbor’s “fatherlessness is growing, that’s a bully” thrown by a neighbor.
Raising a child without a father - How not to suffocate him with love
- Son, do not run, you will fall! ..
- Don't you dare climb up the hill - it's dangerous! ..
- No, don't go outside, it's full of hooligans - it's better to sit down, read ...
- To the kindergarten? Are you crazy? My child will be beaten and abused there! Only a mother knows what is best for her child!
Under the motto “Mom knows best”, the childhood of children of anal-visual mothers often passes - the best, most caring and attentive. However, in the event that the “vision” of such a mother is not sufficiently developed, or does not find its realization, maternal care and love can turn into suffocating hyper-care.
We, anal-visual mothers, are very afraid that our beloved child will be spoiled by the “street”. No wonder, because there are completely hooligans and loafers walking there, while we bring up our baby in the best family traditions.
So we try with all our might to protect the child from the pernicious influence of the "street". We write down different circles, we drive to sports sections. And at home we do not lower our eyes - we control every step of the child, his every word.
Let it be better to read a book once again than to be hooligans with the boys on the street ...
As a result, the child has nowhere to get socialization skills. Indeed, in any children's games there is a very deep meaning - playing with peers, communicating with them in an informal setting, the child learns to find his place in society.
Total control, the complete deprivation of the child of independence, increased anxiety for the child, do not allow him to fully develop his innate properties.
This bias "goes sideways" during puberty, when nature tries to catch up, and a child who has not received socialization skills "goes off the rails" and shows his mother the problems of adolescence in all its glory.
A deep understanding of the peculiarities of one's mentality allows one to adjust one's attitude to the current situation, as well as to the upbringing of the child.
Parenting a child in a divorce
Today, scandals related to the “sharing” of children after a divorce are increasingly becoming public knowledge. If earlier the preference was overwhelmingly given to the mother, today men often declare their parental rights and try to convince the court that they can be entrusted with raising a child during a divorce.
Judges have to take into account a large number of factors in order to understand with whom it is better to leave a child. The moral character of the parents, their material wealth - everything is taken into account, except for the most important thing ... Nature is designed in such a way that the mother should take care of the child. That is why nature has endowed women (everyone, with the exception of the skin-visual) maternal instinct.
But the paternal instinct does not exist in nature. A man should only help a woman who is raising his child, provide her financially. This is his kind of payment for the continuation of himself in time.
However, the modern consumer society gives a woman ample opportunities. Today, many women are quite capable of independently providing not only themselves, but also their children. However, we should not forget that our children live "not by bread alone." Material wealth is important, but it is much more important whether the parents, despite the divorce, managed to create conditions for the optimal development of the innate properties of the child.
Raising a child during a divorce - what a single father should know
Despite the fact that children traditionally stay with their mother during a divorce, we know situations in which the mother herself leaves the child to be raised by the father, preferring career, new experiences and new relationships.
As a rule, skin-visual women, who by nature do not give birth and do not have a maternal instinct, decide to take such a step. But single fathers in the overwhelming majority of cases are men with an anal vector - they are the ones who are able to take on the responsibilities of a mother and ensure the full upbringing of a child in an incomplete family.
Moreover, it is these men who, during a divorce, are trying to defend their right to participate in the process of raising a child.
But in this situation there is a certain danger, which can be avoided by realizing the peculiarities of your mental. The fact is that the anal vector is characterized by a division into “clean and dirty”. In the anal man's mind, a faithful wife and caring mother are "clean", while a woman who has left her family is "dirty".
The father is trying to instill this vision of his own in the child, speaking negatively about his mother. This inflicts a deep psychological trauma on the child, deprives him of the sense of security necessary for his full development.
Another mistake of a parent raising a child in an incomplete family is an attempt to replace an absent mother or father. This approach is erroneous - after all, the roles of mother and father in raising a child are completely different. Therefore, a single parent needs to focus on creating a favorable psychological environment in which the child can survive the divorce of his parents with the least loss.
Raising a child in an incomplete family with Yuri Burlan
What does system-vector psychoanalysis give to a parent raising a child alone? First, a deep understanding of your child, his innate properties.
The problem is that we evaluate the people around us, including our own children, “through ourselves”. We unconsciously try to endow them with our properties and try to develop them, regardless of whether they are present in the child or not.
A skin mother, accustomed to doing everything quickly, active, able to quickly adapt, wants to see all these properties in a child. But these properties can be developed only in one case - if the child also has a skin vector. However, the vector set of parents and children does not always coincide - and this "otherness" can give rise to a lot of problems and misunderstandings.
For example, a child with an anal vector is characterized by thoroughness, rigidity of thinking, perseverance. For a skin mom, all this seems like slowness, lethargy, and even stubbornness, with which you must “be sure to fight.” And the mother begins to push the child, to pull, which plunges him into a state of stress.
In this case, the child's reactions finally slow down, up to a complete stupor, and he is forced to start all over again. The inability to complete the work he has begun gives him psychological discomfort, which, in the end, becomes the cause of stubbornness, as well as digestive problems and even childish sadism.
No less difficult problems arise if a thorough, unhurried anal father brings up a nimble, mobile skin son. Trying to instill in him perseverance, the ability to bring everything to the end, a father with an anal vector often allows corporal punishment, reasoning, “My father spanked me - I grew up as a man. This means that I must also flog my son so that he grows up as a man!
Unfortunately, this approach does not take into account the difference in the mental properties of the father and son. Meanwhile, the skin boy, to whom physical punishment is applied, with a high degree of probability, sooner or later, will begin to steal, which will finally convince his father of his "congenital depravity by the genes of a bad mother."
Yuri Burlan fully reveals to us the roots of all these numerous problems. After completing the training, you will learn to see the root cause of certain actions of yourself and your children behind external manifestations, as well as understand the motives for the behavior of each person.
P.S. It is impossible to cover all possible life scenarios of incomplete families in one article. However, Yuri Burlana gives the main thing - with her help, any parent, regardless of the composition of the family, can create optimal conditions for the development of precisely those properties of the child that he is endowed with from birth.
The article was prepared based on the materials of trainings by Yuri Burlan