Divorce for no reason: What to do if you are just unhappy in marriage? Why are people unhappy in marriage? Unsuccessful marriage - causes and solutions

25.05.2019

Why people are unhappy in marriage naturally depends on the individual situation. But one thing is typical for all women in a situation of unsuccessful marriage: if she made her choice today, she would not choose the same partner.

According to some reports, the majority of women living in Russia who are married are unhappy in marriage, although many hide this. It happens that a union that was happy initially becomes a burden.

When people are unhappy in marriage

When I myself lived in Russia and did not even think about meeting foreigners, I looked at the marriages of my girlfriends and rarely anyone was truly happy. A typical situation was when either the husband or the wife walked, or even both at once. Often the guys, although we were all very young people, drank. Many of these couples later broke up and the girls found another partner.

Often people are unhappy in marriage for several years, but do not find the strength to end the problematic cohabitation. This can happen because wives do not want to leave children without a father, or they are afraid to be alone for life, that no one will need them with a child.

Why women are unhappy in marriage

I see one of the biggest problems in . If you ask the ladies about, they all shout out loud that you should marry only for love, rejecting even the slightest opportunity to give this union a chance for longevity. A happy marriage requires both!

Yes, in Russian culture the word “calculation” often has a negative association, by which it is understood that a girl is getting married in order to improve her economic situation. But, in principle, if both people work, then when they start living together, their economic situation will improve in any case.

As I wrote before, for me the word calculation has a different meaning: to think, can this marriage survive?

Are you compatible?
Are you ready for marriage?
Do you understand what will be required of both of you?
Are you both ready to invest your mental strength and really work with your hands for the benefit of the family?
Do you understand that honesty does not mean cutting the truth in the eye, and that sometimes you choose between being right and being happy?
Have you read at least one good book about being married, or do you still think that the husband will be responsible for everything? And you - just nag him when, in your opinion, he does something wrong, and, in general, “support” him?
What else connects you, besides hormones (“love”)?
Are you ready to create a happy home where your husband will always want to return, and not one where he is afraid to go?
Is your future husband - or a bad one? If it is bad, then whatever love is, you will not be happy in marriage.

If you do not want to be unhappy in a future marriage, then calculation is simply necessary.

How to prevent a failed marriage

From the very beginning, if your future husband is not the man you want to be with most in life, or you are not the woman he wants to be with most on the planet, then such a marriage, later or sooner, will become unhappy. For a marriage to be happy, it is necessary that even if he could choose any other girl in the world, and you could choose any other guy in the world, you would still choose each other.

If, even at the moment of marriage, you compromise, and if you had the opportunity, you would choose another partner, then you start your marriage on the wrong note. People in love cannot even imagine being with someone else.

If you have, you will not be afraid that he will leave for another or cheat on you, and it will not even occur to him. If you “caught” him or, then, sooner or later, you will feel unhappy in marriage.

It does not matter who spoke to whom first or who smiled first at whom. It's important to a happy marriage that you BOTH feel the same strong feelings for each other. If one loves, and the other allows himself to be loved, this is a direct path to misfortune and unsuccessful marriage.

The next moment is the opinion of your loved ones. If they all tell you in a voice that this person is not a match for you, listen, especially to the opinion of your parents and family. If you are in a situation where your family is definitely against it, give your relationship time to settle, because you may just be intoxicated with hormones and do not see what is easily visible to others.

The situation with children in an unhappy marriage

In any case, the birth of children in marriage is worth the wait. Firstly, a newborn is a huge burden on a still fragile relationship, and, secondly, you will not part with the father of your child all your life. You will meet at birthdays and weddings, grandchildren's holidays.

If you are not yet 35, then you should not give birth right away. If you are over 35, then you should still live a few months together before getting pregnant, and, in case of any problems, do not give birth to this man. If you are afraid that it is time to give birth, otherwise you will never give birth, get pregnant from a "sperm donor" so that the child is only yours, or freeze your eggs, this procedure is now becoming more and more accessible.

Frozen eggs can be fertilized at any age by in vitro conception, after which you can either carry the newborn yourself or use the surrogacy route. For example, one girl could not endure because of her health and her mother helped her in this. Sometimes friends or relatives help carry the baby, and surrogacy, which does not involve family members, is becoming more popular.

You can find a suitable man, already having offspring, this is real. Better not to have a father at all than to have a problem father and be unhappy. Rushing to get married just to give birth quickly, “before it's too late” - this is a recipe for a subsequent unsuccessful marriage.

If you don't want to be unhappy in your marriage

If you are married and unhappy, the first step is to acknowledge your situation. After that, sit down and decide what kind of life you want for yourself and your children. To have the life you want, you have to do something, something different than what you have been doing before. If you keep doing what you have been doing, the result will remain the same.

If you are not married, then understand that believing in fate and the fact that she is obliged to present you with your happiness on a silver platter is naive. Fate has a lot to do and it looks like she needs your help.

Ten years ago I met a German woman at a conference in Japan. She was such a good girl - energetic and not stupid. Rather, it is no longer a girl, but a woman. After all, she was 32 years old. Serious age! Midlife, one might say. I'm not kidding, in my twenties at the time, that's exactly what I thought.

So - this same German middle-aged woman, to my surprise, did not consider herself such at all. I broke up with my boyfriend and got myself a new one. Wrote a dissertation. Traveled the world. And, apparently, she felt outrageously young and happy. “Listen, Martha, don’t you think about getting married? The kids are there, everything…” (I must admit that I suffered a fair amount of arrogance in my younger years.)

"I've lost my mind," Martha rolled her eyes. “I have just begun to live. It's too early. Maybe in five years...

“It’s true, he can’t find a suitable man in any way. And there are no children. Therefore, it is drawn, depicts happiness. Here's the poor thing!" I thought knowingly. I myself thought that by the age of 25 a “normal” woman should have “everything”: a husband, a couple of children, an apartment, a car and other simple pleasures.

And not so long ago I discovered my Martha in social networks. What do you think? She got married at the age of 38. Has three children. Professor at the university. And all the same self-confident and happy.

Now, having reached that very “middle” age that Marta was when we met, thank God, I said goodbye to my old idiotic attitudes about the age at which a woman should start a family and give birth to children, and indeed, than in life She should be engaged and how to feel. If I met Martha today, I would not doubt her sincerity at all and fully admit the possibility that after 30 you can be a childless, unmarried and, at the same time, a completely happy woman.

But this is about Martha, who lives in Europe. But about Russian women, doubts remained. Theoretically, you can choose your own path and follow it cheerfully. Make a career, look for yourself, postpone or even refuse to have children. But practically ... Or rather, practically you can. But how you will feel about it is a completely different question.

Is it possible to be happy when mom regularly reminds: “The clock is ticking. Well, she didn't get married. Maybe even give birth? Then you want and you can not!”. Married girlfriends look condescendingly: "You are not lucky, poor thing." In men, the thought is spinning in their heads: “Since at this age there is no stamp, no children, something is wrong with her. I'll go and pick you up and say goodbye." And in the media, articles are published that by the age of 29 it is desirable for a woman to have 2-3 children. God, it's getting scary. I didn’t have time to have two children by the age of 30 - that’s all, life was not a success. Loser! Old wallet!

The worst thing is that our women often do not even try to shed the burden of stereotypes, taking them for granted. Even if you are seven spans in the forehead, let your creative activity roll over, and you have just become the youngest leader in the history of the company. But if after 30 you are supposed to feel middle-aged and unhappy (there are no children! Or maybe you have a child, but you don’t have a husband! Horror-horror!), then most of them feel that way. Probably not always. But at times, it just rolls. Hey, hey, there's something wrong with me!

Enough already? Maybe it's time, finally, not in words, but really to give women the right to choose? The right to happiness regardless of the chosen path? And women believe that this is possible?

People stay in unhappy marriages for many reasons. If you are one of these people, you may feel that you will never be happy. However, you can find your own path to happiness, even in a bad situation, by practicing the habits that lead to happiness. In addition, you can work on your marriage to become happy together.

Steps

Learn to be happy

Find something you can be grateful for. Being grateful isn't always easy, especially when you're in a bad relationship. However, gratitude is what will help you deal with a bad relationship and can lead you to feel happy.

Take time each day to celebrate what you are grateful for. Try to write down a few things in your journal every day that you are grateful for. Social media posts can also be used for this purpose. As a rule, even in a bad situation, you can find something for which you will be grateful.
For example, you may not like the way your partner treats you in your relationship, but you may be grateful for the financial stability in your life. On the other hand, you can be grateful that your partner is still a good parent to your children.

Dive into the flow. The flow state is when you dive headlong into some experience, when you are completely absorbed in what you are doing. If you draw, write, or just run, you may already understand what kind of experience it is. This is the moment when the rest of the world ceases to exist and you just live or enjoy what you do. Research has shown that the more flow moments you have, the happier you are overall.
- Choose an activity that is a little challenging for you, but still familiar enough that you can get completely lost in it. For example, if you enjoy painting landscapes, you might want to try something else, such as a portrait or a still life.
Stop fighting over the same things. If you find yourself always arguing about the same thing, it might be time to put that topic aside. You need to decide that you will not discuss this issue because you cannot agree on it or find a compromise that works for both of you.
- For example, if you tend to quarrel over political issues, it might be worth putting politics on your list of banned topics. And if you often quarrel about which movie you'll watch on Friday night, then it might be worth agreeing to choose a movie in turn.
Develop your own interests. If your marriage is not what you would like it to be, it may be time to try to find fulfillment outside of marriage, and this is not about romance on the side. Having your own hobbies and interests will help you stay independent, feel happy and interact with the world. In fact, developing your own interests is beneficial, even if you have a wonderful marriage.
- Try researching your interests at the library, joining a local hobby club, taking a cooking class, or signing up for some classes at a local community center.
Try volunteering. A sense of purpose and good social connections with other people is another great way to feel happy. Because volunteering gives you a sense of purpose in life and connects with like-minded people, it can help you feel happier.
- Try to find an organization you would like to contribute to. You can, for example, apply to volunteer at an animal shelter or food bank. You can even ask your partner if he would like to volunteer with you, this can be a good activity to strengthen the relationship between you.
Develop your social life. Many studies show that relationships are the key to happiness. If you are unhappy in your main relationship, you may just not see how to change your situation. But your spouse should not be your main source of communication. You may have deep relationships with friends as well as other members of your family.
- Try to go out with friends for dinner once a week or go shopping with your sibling.
- If you don't have many friends, then try to date people who share your interests. For example, you can join a bowling league, take art classes, or find a knitting class.
Remember what you valued. When you first started dating, you were probably partly attracted to your differences with your partner. For example, maybe you were fascinated by the fact that he was impulsive and liked spontaneity. And now, perhaps you hate this trait of a partner. Try to remember why you liked that quality in the beginning and love it again.
- For example, you can just go crazy when your spouse wants to drop everything and go to the mountains. On the other hand, it keeps your life from getting too boring. Try to find a balance and enjoy what you can.
Talk about strengths and challenges. You need to recognize what is going well in your relationship and what has turned into a problem. You can even make a list of strengths and challenges together. Be sure to include in the list those issues that you do not talk about because of fear that in the end everything will turn into a quarrel.

Find solutions. Once you've identified the problems in your marriage together, you should try to come up with some solutions. You can use your strengths to work out solutions to problems in your relationship.

Consider contacting a family psychologist. Sometimes you may need the help of a professional to resolve marital problems. A family psychologist will help you solve more problems than you expect. In fact, about half of the people who have used a counselor report that the counselor has helped them deal with all the major problems in their marriage.

Hello dear experts! please help with good advice. I am married. I have two children. I am 30l. my status as a married woman did not make me happy. Before marriage, I had an experience of unrequited love, meetings with guys who I didn’t like for some reason. When, as students, my girlfriends urgently looked for their future husbands, I still didn’t think about it at all. as I understand now, I was still a child and did not think about marriage. the guys met different for the first time fell in love with a military man, and because of her youth, she did not quickly go into intimate contact with him. Apparently, this was the reason for our parting. (His initiative). the second time I loved a guy who, as it turned out later, is very aggressive under the influence of alcohol. I suffered for 2 years, but I loved it. after parting with him, I met a new man. 7 years older than me. it seemed that this was a reward for my tears. they began to live together. in his private house. everything was fine. gifts, flowers, cinema, cafes, but the soul did not lie ... and even the former could write a sincere SMS at night. everything accumulated. the person with whom I lived was financially taller than me, but was stingy .. I could ask him to bring me pills from my head to work, and 1 banana to eat, and the person brought me exactly 1 banana and took money for the pills when I returned. Gradually, I began to compare him with the former, who for me did not feel sorry for the last piece of bread. in general, we parted. with scandals and his revenge. I was left alone. Then I met the love of my life, but the guy behaved strangely. On one day he could think that we need to live together, on the other, to leave. This happened 5 times. I endured, waited. Loved. The last time he put an end to . I met another guy and decided to get married. In marriage, I was looking for salvation from past love, and it was time to have a baby. and now, married, every day I think about who I love .. how is he there, meets with km, is he healthy. I don't care about my husband. Even if he changes. I see a million minuses and shortcomings in my husband. He is 5 years older than me, but with him I feel like a mother who teaches her stupid son to clean up after himself every day, but he cannot learn. Everything irritates. we live in a rented apartment. there is not enough money. there is no love. I constantly remember the former, but I understand that he didn’t need me, although I spoke about love. I remember that rich guy and I think that it would be better to live with the unloved, but without needing anything. .... I'm CONFUSED help me find a way out ... to get divorced and stay with children at the age of 30? Who will need me later? life is broken and I broke it myself .... it seems as if this is not my life. there is no interest in dressing beautifully, even for a walk with children. life is ruined.

... I constantly remember the former ...

.... I remember that rich guy and I think that it would be better to live with the unloved, but without needing anything ...

stay with children at 30? Who will need me later?

If you yourself decide that no one will need you, your program will come true. But sometimes it doesn't. The question is what are you willing to believe in and how willing are you to believe in yourself.

After all, a man does not marry children and not their absence. By and large, it is not so important to him whether there are children, how many. Important WOMAN. It is always more important for a man than children, some other problems or their absence. It is this woman and this particular person that will be important if we are talking about really serious feelings.

And you yourself, you think, are not the right person and not the right woman who can evoke such feelings?

I thought I would fall in love, but ... each of his habits, gestures, smells, etc., repels everything.

Didn't love. Despite the lived years and two children. And this is a fact that you yourself stated. And there may still be 50 years or more to live... Are you ready to live like this all these years? Or do you think that in another 10 years life will end and it will not matter? There will be old age and "survival". I think you already understand that this is not so. moreover, in 40-50 even more I want to live sometimes. And I want more interesting, etc.

If you accept the fact that it did not work out to fall in love, is there any point in continuing this illusion of a family? After all, you will give the children just such a family template - mom and dad, indifferent to each other. And the children will carry it further and will build their families according to the same principles, without even realizing where it all came from in their lives.

life is broken and I broke it myself .... it seems as if this is not my life.

Nothing is broken yet. But you rightly noticed - this is not your life. Then, for starters, try to imagine: what would yours be like? What kind of relationship should it have? In what space? Try to imagine all this, and then start looking for it.

And try not to be content with "what they give." We are always able to get what we want, but "what they give" is for those who do not believe in themselves at all.

And in order to take a step towards yourself, it makes sense to determine your own self-esteem for a start: http://psyhelp24.org/uncertainty/

Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., psychologist, skype consultations

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“It is believed that at this age it is time to find a partner and start a family. But I almost never think about children and marriage. To the chagrin of my parents, I do not hunt for a potential husband, although I would like to become a mother someday. At the moment, it is more important for me to enjoy life. Going through life alone is easy for me: I do what I want, when I want.

Last weekend I decided to go out and even put on makeup and a dress, which I don't usually do, and had a great time. First I went to a bar and a few guys invited me to join their group. We hung out there for about an hour and went to another bar where I made friends with another group. In addition, I was able to get home not too late and got up on time the next morning to be in time for CrossFit classes.

No one can make us happy until we learn to be happy on our own.

I believe that happiness requires effort from everyone, whether he has a partner or not. You can make a decision and do what brings joy, or decide that you want to suffer, I chose the first. I can be happy both alone and in a couple. Now it so happened that I am happy alone, I am 100% satisfied with it.

Wendy, 51: “I stopped worrying about what my family and friends think about the fact that I live alone”

“For many years I thought that I would be glad if I found the right man. But as time went on, and I was still alone, and finally I realized that no one can make us happy until we learn to be so on our own. And then I decided to do what brings me joy and enjoy an unmarried life. I go to the beach, to the cinema, I work out in the gym, I have my own company with which I feel good, and I have a lot of ideas.

I stopped worrying about what friends and family members think about it. For many years, my mother wanted me to get married and have children, because all her friends and girlfriends had children who did this. I had to tell her that perhaps such a life was not for me, perhaps something else was destined for me. She's still upset, but I don't worry about it. I live my life, hobbies, travel, communication with friends.

Jessica, 36: "When I meet someone they haven't seen in a while, they say I glow"

“When I was 34, I broke off a relationship that had lasted 12 years. Deep down I was sure that something better was waiting for me on the horizon, and I was right. It took me a while to get used to living alone, but now, at 36, I'm single and I love life. When I meet someone I haven't seen in a while, they say I literally glow. After that, I am even more convinced that the decision to leave the comfort zone of familiar relationships turned out to be the right one.

Did I feel pressure from society (particularly friends and family) for not getting married? Yes. Do I still feel it? Sometimes. But I don't let myself give in to it. Instead, I go out with friends, read books, and do things that make me happy. If love ever overtakes me, it will happen when it should, and I'm definitely not going to rush things.

Sarah, 40: "No relationship gives you freedom"

“At 29, I had a wonderful, healthy relationship with a man with whom I planned to tie my fate and start a family. But they ended, and then I created an intricate maze of walls to protect myself from pain. She avoided emotional contact with anyone. I felt empty inside and didn't know how to fill it. So I focused on my career.

It's been 10 years and I'm used to living alone. I was finally able to truly know myself, understand what brings joy, and focus on it. She built normal adult relationships with her parents and sister, became a wonderful aunt and friend, learned to value herself. Made new friends and new passions (cooking, sports). Not being in a relationship gave me the freedom to discover new things.

I won't settle for less than what I have now

I do not feel pressure from family or society, no one forces me to follow traditional ideas about marriage. For me, living alone is a conscious choice. He will remain so until I meet a man who will appreciate and respect me as a woman. He will have to understand that I will not settle for less than what I have now.

Kayla, 37: “Happiness, health and relationships with friends are most important”

“As a single Hispanic woman, at every family feast I have to hear: “Where is your boyfriend?” The family adheres to traditional views, and it seems to them that there is nothing worse than being alone at my age and not looking for a man. It's annoying. Now that my older sister is married and has children, I'm under even more pressure to find someone.

But I don’t need a relationship yet, I have plans that I want to implement before going in this direction. At the moment I live for myself: I work, walk around the house in my underwear, drink beer on the couch, watch Netflix for hours, make face masks with my friends. Health and relationships with friends are most important! And for now, it’s better for me to be alone, even if my relatives don’t understand it.”

Zrabon, 31: 'I have to deal with pressure from family and society every day'

“From the age of 17 to 29, I was in a relationship. When they ended, I had no idea how to live alone. I had to learn it. At first it was lonely, but gradually I discovered new hobbies, made new friends, traveled, including alone. I found happiness by continuing to live alone. At the same time, I have to deal with pressure from family and society every day. The family is from South Asia, and at 31 I'm already considered "old" for a marriage that I have to listen to all the time. To deal with the pressure, I make it very clear that I'm not going to rush into a relationship just to get married to someone. I don't need a marriage to get a car, a house, or even a baby.

When I feel the full weight of this pressure, I say to myself: this is my life and only I live it, and not my family and not anyone else. I have the right to do what I want. At the moment, I don't want a relationship or marriage."