Ill-bred child: signs, causes. How to raise a child? Ill-mannered guests
Phew... I don't even know where to start.
In general, my daughter and I were in the hospital with a sore throat. Department, respectively, infectious. But it's about something else. About the upbringing of children, about the attitude of other mothers to other people's children. I want to say right away that not everyone there is like I will describe. There were also a couple of adequate mothers.
I will describe to begin with these unfortunate mothers. Look scourged, unkempt. Moreover, I do not mean manicures, pedicures and other similar delights (although it would not hurt them to look at their hands). Clothing. A well-worn sports leotard that has already forgotten what washing is; rubber slippers, which also had not seen soap since the time of Tsar Peas; T-shirts of immense size, also dirty and greasy. Her hair was just as dirty, tangled in icicles, and crowded, apparently, so that it would not be so scary to live on the head of her unlucky mistress. Like in the cartoon: "Let's be afraid together." Yes, yes, yes, I admit that everyone has different wealth and everyone looks as much as his means allow. But, sorry. Is it really so difficult to buy the most ordinary powder. By the way, it is called just that: “Ordinary”, or laundry soap. The children of these mothers are in a similar state. Dirty, unkempt, ill-mannered. Education is disgusting, but more on that later. But, the names of these children are fabulous: Milan, Diana, Leah, Karina, Alice, Zlata. I have nothing against these names, well, just ... although, you will understand further. I'm embarrassed to ask, is this the end of all the beauty? They called it glamorous, but who will educate? So we come smoothly to the topic of education.
These children are running around yelling around the clock. Their mothers absolutely don't care that they're not alone in the hospital, and, yes, that they're in the hospital and not on the playground, they don't really care about us either. In a good way, all these Leas and Milans would have to give a good kick in the ass once, so that they calm down and in a corner for an hour, facing the wall. As I already wrote, we were lying with a sore throat. My daughter really couldn’t eat, she wanted to, but it hurts to swallow. This adult understands what is needed, otherwise the body will not have the strength to fight this bullshit. And how to explain this to a 7-month-old baby? He tried to eat, it hurt him and he couldn’t take any more spoonfuls of porridge, puree, etc. won't let you near your mouth. A wounded, tired, sick child who has a sore throat around the clock. He can’t really sleep, but he sleeps only because he is exhausted and exhausted. So my girl gets tired in a few hours, falls asleep. And then there are these ill-mannered bastards. She left the ward and in a good way asked that your daughter should not run and squeak at the whole department now, at least while mine is sleeping (not to mention the mode and silence in the HOSPITAL (!!!)) - she needs an hour -two. To which an immediate response followed: “Why should we sit in the ward now and do nothing? You are not alone here." It was said with such an impact, as if I asked them not to breathe. Then I was torn: “That's it, that YOU are not alone here, you are not on the street, but in the hospital! And besides you, there are children here who need peace!” they looked at me, as at G., saying “We are bored in the ward, what should the child be bored with?”. I tried well. Once again, she left the ward with a child in her arms and, with a collision similar to her last statement, began to present this “non-glamourous” madam in all respects. Do you think it had an effect? Ha! It wasn't there. This mother could only, raising her voice slightly, exclaiming to an ostentatiously glamorous exclamation: “Milana, what are you doing TA? Quiet! Get the hell out of there.” And this crazy young girl sneezed on her mother from the top shelf and continues to rush on and yell like crazy. To be honest, the remark to the child was made only to make me fall behind. This Milana doesn't give a shit about her mother, just like this mother doesn't give a shit about other children. For sick kids. The only good news is that in a couple of years it will come back to haunt her, when an adult daughter will not put her mother in anything. And so it will be. And I will not hide, I am incredibly happy about this. For merit. Doctors don't care, nurses don't care. And only occasionally threatened with a "mop on ***" cleaning lady. ..
Uneducated guests.
I need to speak out, otherwise I was shaking all night
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.By the way, I'm a balanced person and I'm trying to be fair, but yesterday the last drop spilled a jug
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.So my daughter is friends with a neighbor girl (apartments on the same floor), they constantly swear, they can’t share toys, etc. in one word, it’s no secret that this is normal behavior for children. I'm trying to fairly share them without screaming, yelling, but putting everything on the shelves so that no one is offended (so far successfully)
Here, a few months ago, mine became friends with two girls from a neighboring entrance, and I became friends with their mother. She has a large family of four. The eldest is 12, then 10 and 5 years old (my daughter's girlfriends) and the youngest is 6 months old.
So their mother is strict, she drives like Sidor goats, and no one has canceled slaps in the face, at home they are quieter than water below the grass
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At first, when they came to us, they also behaved well, and then I see they quietly dispersed
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The one that has been constantly hungry for 5 years (my mother checked, she says that everything is in order with her health, she is thin, she has to forbid her, otherwise she is able to sit and chew 24 hours a day
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So they began to constantly persuade my daughter to go to the kitchen and bring them something tasty, or in general, while I was not in the kitchen, they themselves slowly began to catch up and, God forbid, I had a vase of sweets left on the kitchen table, they would take everything away. Well, all right, for me, these are the little things that I looked at as a childish prank. Then the insults began, I interrupted it in the bud, telling the girls that if this happens again, then they are more unwanted guests in my house. We go even worse. Some kind of obscene attitude towards my daughter's things began. They take a folder of paper, books of felt-tip pens and scatter it all over the room, then they broke, like her, the net under the mattress (it is not iron, but made of elastic wood), although I repeated it many times, once I even shouted not to jump. I generally keep quiet about smeared walls and furniture. By the way, here about 3 weeks ago after their raid, the psp daughter disappeared somewhere, I'm apparently too gullible
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so I thought that when my daughter was cleaning up the toys, she put them in her rubble and couldn’t find them, but I was too lazy to look, I just hinted to her friends that if you want to play, you yourself should find where to go. What do you think a week after their next raid, my daughter finds her PSP at the very front door on the floor
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Yesterday it was the end of everything. They came, I immediately yummy to them
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(cakes and soft cookies with marmalade filling covered with chocolate, then you will understand why such subtleties). She warned me not to touch the books and behave normally, and from 4 in the morning, without sleeping, I went to the bedroom to lie down a bit. The rooms are next to each other, so I heard everything and, as it seemed to me then, they behaved well. Then, an hour later, their mother came and we went to drink coffee. Girls, when they started going home and I went into my daughter's room, my left eye began to twitch
It is known that giving a child a good upbringing is not an easy task. But is it really that important? What happens if parents fail to explain to children the elementary rules of decency, as well as instill the basics of good behavior and respect for other people?
How does an ill-bred child behave? Where is the line between the lack of education and childish spontaneity? According to French psychologist Christine Brunet, a good upbringing is not the most important thing for a child to survive in the world.
However, politeness contributes to the development of self-confidence and a sense of one's own security. Knowing the rules of good manners is a valuable tool for managing your life, and proper education is, first of all, the ability to behave with other people, which allows you to form awareness and respect for others.
But why should a child be educated? According to Christine Brunet, firstly, a good upbringing allows children to feel good in any situation, not to be shy and not feel ashamed for no apparent reason. Secondly, upbringing implies prohibitions on the part of parents on certain behavior, words and gestures of children.
These inhibitions are very important for the child because they allow him to grow. Condescension and indulgence do not allow the child to give up his childish omnipotence, from the illusion that he can do whatever he wants.
Christine Brunet argues that without knowing the rules and boundaries, it is difficult for a child to find his place in society. For example, if a child tries to communicate with adults as with his peers, then he will experience certain difficulties in understanding the situation.
If a child is forgiven all whims, it will be difficult for him to learn how to manage his emotions and get the right idea about the limits of what is permitted and the limits of decency.
What does "ill-mannered child" mean?
According to Christine Brunet, an ill-mannered child can, without asking permission, take objects that do not belong to him, enter the parent's bedroom or bathroom without warning, answer questions instead of adults, not pay attention to parents and people around him ...
To better explain the concept of "ill-mannered child", the French psychoanalyst Claude Almos gives the following example:
Evening bus at rush hour, packed with people. Young people sit comfortably, pensioners ride standing up. Ordinary wildness. In the back of the bus, a little girl of three or four years old lay down on two seats. Even three.
Since this space seemed insufficient to her, she put her feet (in wet boots) on the seat opposite. Her mother, standing in the aisle, not only says nothing, but enthusiastically admires her daughter.
The situation is so absurd, so absurd, that one would expect objections from the surrounding people. However, no one intervenes. As if everyone was overtaken by a sharp decline in strength, passengers are immobilized by their helplessness ...
But why was it that none of the passengers on the bus could reprimand this girl, although no one justified her actions? What scares people in such situations? Is it a four year old baby?
Oddly enough, but Claude Almos claims that, most likely, this is true. However, it is not the child himself who makes us silent, but what he shows by his behavior.
According to Claude Almos, an ill-mannered child, by his attitude towards others, embodies the denial of two fundamentally important concepts: the existence of another person (other people) and the existence of rules of life, which, one way or another, serve us as a compass.
The child on the bus took not even one seat, but three. And it is obvious that if the girl could take five places, she would do it. She placed herself (unknowingly) at the "center of the universe", at the head of everything and everyone.
When my daughter was a child, we lived on a quiet street where there were many children. Once a week, the same neighbor showed up at my doorstep, complaining bitterly about the rudeness of my girl and her friends. Her usual complaints were that her daughter stuck out her tongue as she passed her house, and that groups of children, including my daughter, shouted obscenities at her.
My first reaction was to be angry with my daughter. Somewhat later, I had more unbiased and impartial thoughts. Like many other parents, I was inclined to side with other adults in any dispute with my daughter. Whenever I heard a teacher or school clerk accusing her, I almost invariably felt guilty and angry with my daughter.
What I realized from reflecting on the neighbor's accusations was that the behavior she described was not typical of my daughter at all. Even at that age, she was a gentle, sensitive person. The crux of the matter was that the lady at the end of the street possessed a hatred for children and was sure that they were created only to torment her. She was constantly unkind to them, and they paid her the same. Good manners involve reciprocity, and unless the children are severely emotionally disturbed, most of them repay kindness with kindness.
Sometimes we do not realize how impolite we ourselves are with children. A funny illustration of this is one of the scenes shown on TV in the entertainment program. Four adults have lunch, talking to each other in the same way as they usually communicate with children. The hostess told her guests to wash their hands before sitting down to the table, and one of the guests pretended to be shocked by the creepy behavior at the table of the owner, who put his elbows on the table. Not only did the dinner party turn into a nightmare, it became a stark reminder of the lack of respect we have for our children.
Similar to this scene and the story that a mother told me about her four-year-old son. One day he looked especially annoyed at breakfast, and when she asked him what was wrong, his son replied bleakly: "No one ever says, 'Good morning, Allen, how are you feeling today?' You are always interested in only one thing: did I go to the toilet?
Adults are often inattentive to children, do not notice or pay no attention to the desires of a small child. A wonderful illustration of this is the case of a five-year-old boy, about whom his parents told me. They took the baby with them to dine in a restaurant. The waiter handed the child a gigantic menu and asked with great dignity: “What would you like to order, young man? The child looked at his parents with wide eyes and whispered, "He thinks I'm real." This unexpected display of attention triggered an involuntary response that tells us a lot about how our children feel, due to our lack of attention to their desires and actions, they consider themselves less "real" people than adults.
And it's no wonder they feel that way. A friend told me about how recently her little nephew intervened in her conversation with her mother. She told him that it was impolite to do so, that he must wait until she had finished speaking, and then say what he wanted. The conversation with his mother was long, but the boy waited patiently. When it was over, my friend said, "Well, David, now it's your turn." But as soon as the kid reached the middle of his story, his grandmother interrupted him. “I made David wait until we finished talking,” my friend reminded her, “and I think now we have to wait for him to finish his story.”
Caring parents inspire the child that good manners are the path to normal human relationships. In other words, you do not perform any actions, do not say any words simply so as not to offend others, and they, in turn, do nothing that could offend you, hurt your pride. This is the ABC of the relationship of intelligent people.
Often bad manners is actually a symptom of a difficult or transitional age. The child should be helped to understand that he is simply not mature enough, and not a bad person, because otherwise the feeling of guilt will interfere with his normal development. For example, you should not be surprised if a three-year-old child becomes so overexcited with a large crowd of relatives that he loses the ability to control himself. Then suddenly the uncle kicks, and then begins to shout out all the obscene words that he learned in kindergarten. It is obvious that he is tired, has lost control of himself and needs to be alone for a while or take a nap.
A similar situation occurs when a teenager comes home and, seeing the guests sitting at the table, mutters inarticulately “hello”, and then hides in his room, slamming the door with a bang. Your guests are most likely people that this young man has known (and even liked!) for many years, so where does this unexpected violation of the rules of decency come from?
Teenage shyness and awkwardness are temporary phenomena. You don't have to excuse this behavior, you can even make it clear that it would be nice to say hello a little more politely, but this is not a cause for great excitement. Experiencing this kind of social discomfort is painful for many teenagers, much more painful for them than it is for us.
Bad manners, when it is obviously associated with age immaturity, should be treated with tolerance; turning each case into an occasion for trial will only increase the child's painful shyness. The best cure for such behavior is if you do not lecture, punish him, but simply talk to him calmly about how to behave.
Sometimes the behavior that we perceive as bad manners, in fact, simply reflects a change in the norms of behavior in society. Although outwardly it contradicts what we have been taught, but in essence it differs little. For example, if you give a gift to your grandson, he may not say "thank you!" but "Awesome!", which means the same thing. The long-haired, barefoot young people singing in the park may seem very ill-mannered at first glance, but upon closer inspection, you will find that while they are singing and dancing, they are also picking up the rubbish left by others.
It is important to be tolerant and understand that things that we consider to be indicators of good manners are not such indicators for today's young people. They may not send cards on holidays because they believe that greetings have become purely commercial and that good feelings need to be expressed throughout the year, and they would rather do something pleasant unexpectedly than perform a ritual prescribed by someone. You can disagree with them, but simply rejecting their thoughts and condemning their behavior as bad manners is denying that life changes and new forms of caring arise, and this is in direct proportion to the change not only in life, but also in human relationships.
Good manners are a clear proof of well-being. When people are generally kind and caring, when life is meaningful and future-oriented, children instinctively respond to this, happily accepting the necessary rules for harmonious coexistence with other people. If we care about our children, we must not put up with water and air pollution, the barbaric destruction of natural resources, the terrible destruction of cities, the arms race - in short, everything that affects the lives of millions of people.
If we want children to take care of others, we must take care of them. Any nation that does not regard its children as the greatest national wealth has no future. None of us is personally responsible for the problems of modern life; We are victims just like our children. But what is most likely to ruin us is if we fall into despair, believing that each of us can do nothing to improve the world in which our children grow up.
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I don’t have children, but I love to have fun, so right now I’ll talk about ill-bred children and their parents who turn a blind eye to everything.
I will not repeat the platitudes that to indulge children in everything is a big educational mistake, that parents will burn out on this, that their bad children should not become a problem for other people - this is clear to everyone.
What interests me is this: why do people feel they have the right to be righteously angry when they are told that their child interferes with someone and, in general, behaves disgustingly?
That is, if a person is told that he parked the car incorrectly, so that it interferes with everyone, then he (if he is not the last boor, of course) will apologize and put it in a different way.
But if he is told that his child has already bugged everyone, will he rise up with righteous anger?
I tried on various situations in which I would also burn with anger, and came to the conclusion that I would react in about the same way if, for example, I were required to dress not as I like, but as someone else the other sees fit. That's why, by the way, I don't go to church. I will not go to a place where they tell me what to wear without providing any arguments.
The point here is not the clothing itself and its some special inviolability for me. Clothes are part of me. I chose it, I bought it, I love it, I wear it. And if someone decides that he has the right to demand that I dress like this, and not otherwise, he must very well argue his requirements. Maybe even be for this some recognized authority in the fashion world or something like that.
At the same time, I clearly understand that clothing has a function of expediency. And to come to work in an evening dress is at least silly. There are places where it is undesirable or simply impossible to wear an evening dress (tracksuit, dressing gown, etc.). No, I mean, of course you can. There is no death penalty for this. But you will create problems with this. The fact that you yourself will look like a fool at the same time is, of course, your difficulties. It's okay. But you can create problems for others. With clothes, of course, it is difficult to come up with such an example. Usually even the most ridiculous clothes do not interfere with others. But anyway. For example, I will put on a crinoline and a flat-brimmed hat and climb into a crowded bus in all this. Here, not only inappropriateness, but also inconvenience for others begins. In Soviet cinemas, I even remember there was a rule that ladies should take off their hats there.
The same situation is with the people with children.
If someone points out to them that they do not like their child, and they need to “re-educate” him, then he must argue his words very well. Maybe even be a luminary in psychology for this or something like that. At the same time, many parents clearly understand that there are places where it is undesirable or simply impossible to take children with them. Or so: there are ways of behavior that are unacceptable in some places. For example, while sitting in a concert hall during a performance, you cannot shout.
Problems arise when the parent ceases to understand this.
They completely forget that there are situations (and quite often) when a child can be not only inappropriate and unwanted, he can incredibly interfere with other people.
They climb into a crowded bus in a crinoline and a hat with ostrich feathers and are terribly offended that they are being reprimanded about their clothes. Here's what it looks like.
At the same time, they do not notice that they are not scolded for the crinoline and feathers (yes, go, even in knightly armor!), But for the inconvenience caused. And it's impossible to explain it to them. “In what I want, I go in that!” they shout in righteous anger. And they are right! Of course, a person can dress the way he likes. But only, I repeat, no one reproaches them for their choice. Walk in whatever you want - this is your sacred right. BUT! Just as long as it doesn't bother anyone.
Probably, being able to make this distinction is very important when dealing with crazy parents who do not see point-blank that their precious children are just evil little animals that are not attractive to anyone but them.
The common thing between children and clothes here is that both, as I already mentioned, are a kind of “part of me”. If someone does not like my clothes or my child, then they do not like me, which means that this is my enemy. More or less like this.
Now I will not talk about whether this is right or wrong. This is the subject of a separate discussion. But most people seem to perceive these things in this way, and I proceed from this.
Now let's get to the real problem. There is a girlfriend, a good person who has done a lot of good for you, and there is her vile child, whose society is impossible to endure, but whom the girlfriend, of course, blindly adores and does not see any shortcomings, or sees, but does not fight with them, because “this is all only a child" or because "you see, he doesn't listen to me."
Now let's imagine that I have a smoking acquaintance, and I can not stand the smoke. What am I doing? I do not advise him to quit smoking (it is his choice), but I do not allow him to smoke in my presence. If he is unbearable, then we part. We only talk until he smokes. Everything is fine? Of course.
Now we need to transfer this situation to mothers with children.
I will not advise her to change her parenting methods (although, in fact, one can very strongly object to this, but more on that another time), but I will not allow a child to act like an animal in my presence. If the child cannot restrain himself, we part. We communicate only while the child behaves like a person.
Everything is fine? Of course. Should be, at least. The problem is usually that the mother is terribly offended (confuses the crinoline with the inconvenience caused to them). And it is necessary to somehow explain to her that the inconvenience caused by her child has nothing to do with the rejection of her or her child. You are not satisfied with the effect produced (noise, various injuries produced by the child), but not the child himself. As soon as the child stops doing what bothers you, you will immediately resume communication with him with joy. And do not let her knock you down with screams or insults from these rails. I love you both. And you and your child. But while he does things that I don't like (offends my child; makes noise; pinches; throws up in my car when he gets sick; has the flu and can infect my child, etc.) - I have to (I'm very sorry, honestly word) until (temporarily! until the situation is corrected!) to distance themselves from you. Sorry.
So everything should be fine. I think.