The relationship of a mother and an adult son. The relationship between mother and son is a close two-way bond

28.07.2019

Many women ask themselves the question: "How to build a relationship with an adult son?" Our children always remain children for us, even if they are no longer 5 or 10, but, for example, 20 or 35 years old. Boys with age, becoming men, change very much, and at the same time remain the same as our sons. We can always find words or do something to make them feel loved again.

Keep in mind that in the first place, this question is annoying for men! Many women realize this when they begin to look for information about this problem on the Internet, and finally, they understand that their son is behaving just right, and they - mothers - urgently need to do something with their overprotective.

It is important for us to understand that grown men do not want to be boys. They are not supposed to. The fact that we sometimes perceive our grown-up children as small can drive them crazy. The man already has a beard, his own car, an apartment, a solid job, a family, and his mother still talks to him like a little boy, as if she does not see that this is a completely different person!

An adult who has something to respect and appreciate: he is a useful member of society and a person with his own interests. But no, talking to his mother, he turns out, as it were, in short pants. Mother does not seem to hear him, but only teaches life. It is not surprising that in a dispute with her son, a mother can hear from him that she does not understand anything at all in modern life, because she was born in a different era!

This is approximately an internal dialogue that often revolves in a man's head when communicating with his mother. If you realize that such difficulties in relationships with grown-up children are relevant for you, try to understand your son first. Try to find the boundary between the relationship with him, as with your child, and already an adult. For men, the presence of such frames is very important, they give them a sense of personal space and inner freedom.

There are several more typical cases of problems that arise when mothers communicate with adult sons.

Son and girl

Let's analyze the situation. Young people have been living in a civil marriage for several years. Moreover, in my mother's apartment, so the relationship will be, let's say, tense.

There may be several reasons for this. First, they will most likely ignore the “mother-in-law”. They will sit all the time in their room behind closed doors, not support family conversations. The guy will support his girlfriend in arguments all the time.

Most likely, the mother will be annoyed by the mess that the young are most likely to breed in their room. What is the bottom line? If the mother tries to conduct an educational conversation with the girl on the subject of purity, then the son will accuse the mother of teaching them how to live and, in general, will stop talking to her.

Here you can advise the mother to improve relations with the girl alone, explain to her the traditions of this house and the need to get along normally or part ways. Let the young people rent their homes and learn from their own experience that it is necessary to respect the people with whom you live and who care about you. If, after all the conversations, it is decided that everyone remains to live in this apartment, you need to find a common language and interests with your son, try to understand how he lives and breathes in general. It is clear that establishing relations with an already grown-up son is a very difficult task, but it can be solved.

Inner world

Another situation may arise. If the son is formally already an adult man, who should be responsible for his own actions. But he has complete uncertainty in his life and he somehow irresponsibly, like a teenager, reacts to the slightest problems. Most likely not studying, constantly changing jobs.

He seems to be a lost overgrown teenager: there are no normal friends, he does not like to talk to his father, because that person is simple, he begins to ask about specific plans and goals. My son doesn't like it.

Also, a young man does not like to be photographed, and on social networks, where he sits all day, he always has a photo blurred against a dark background. Most likely, the young man is really depressed. Perhaps he still has not left his adolescent consciousness, so his mother is the only person who wants to help him, but cannot do it.

Alas, such a crisis is an experience that everyone must go through on their own. You cannot live someone else's life, you can only help a loved one. In this case, you can go together with your son to a psychologist so that the guy realizes his problems and starts working with them under the guidance of a specialist. There is nothing shameful in this: if there are problems, they must be solved.

Control

And one more very common situation. An adult son succeeded - he managed to catch hold, learn, find a normal job. Most likely, his mother sees him twice a year, but calls constantly. He regularly tells her that she is trying to control him. He does not need this at all, he is an adult, he completely made himself, and maternal control annoys him.

A woman in such a situation will be completely at a loss. After all, she always treated her adult son with respect: he was able, he could, indeed, with his own hands, he ensured a decent life for herself.

She does not come to him, calls less after his remarks. He does not ask superfluous questions, does not teach life. And all the same: "You control me." How so? If, in search of an answer to her question, a poor mother decides to engage in self-improvement and spiritual practices, then she will come to the conclusion that this is in the past.

Indeed, when her child was young, she treated him quite severely and demanded a lot of him. Most likely, there was no father in the family, and the entire burden of upbringing fell on the mother's shoulders. Although she never said this out loud to her son, without her strict requirement that he study, control over his company, and so on, he would not have been able to enter a prestigious university.

This situation can be corrected by a confidential conversation with the son, in which the mother can mention this fact. Next, she should work through the remaining previously unconscious aspirations to treat her son like a boy.

We and our children

Whatever our sons think and say about us and themselves, they are our children. Kinship is the strongest thing that can be. And if you are looking for a way to improve relationships with an adult son, the answer is one: understand yourself. His motives and his motives.

Any psychological problem, especially in a relationship, can be solved if you have a clear head and a clear understanding of mutual motives. The root of the problem is always within us, you just need to reach out in the right direction!

A daughter who has returned with a child after an unsuccessful marriage to her mother, or who has not married at all, can also show a higher dependence on the mother. In these cases, the mother gets the opportunity to organize a kind of "family" in which instead of one child (daughter), she already has two children (daughter and grandson or granddaughter). She begins to patronize and control not only her daughter, but also her grandson or granddaughter.

When the daughter returns to the parental home after the divorce, the mother begins "life anew." She again feels young and necessary, active and caring. But, unfortunately, this “surge” of the mother’s vitality is “fueled” by the life energy of her daughter, the mother, as it were, takes her life away, again becoming a family leader. And it is not always clear why the daughter could not get along with her husband and was forced to divorce: because she was initially dependent on her mother, infantile and not ready for an independent family life, or the dominance and authoritarianism of the mother in conflict with her son-in-law did not allow her daughter to have a prosperous family? (G. Panfilov's film "Woman's Kingdom").

Both the grandson and the granddaughter, who grew up in such conditions, may not have a good personal life either. Affected by the lack of real experience of full-fledged female-male, love and family relationships, in which the boy gets the opportunity to “read” the forms of purely male behavior, and the girl - female. A young man brought up in such a female “family” still has certain chances to organize his own family, if only because in Russian conditions he has a fairly wide choice due to the quantitative predominance of women over men. A girl from such a "three-story" female "family", who watched lonely grandmother and mother, is practically also doomed to loneliness. This phenomenon is popularly defined as the "crown of celibacy."

Becoming lonely people, such "grown children" experience heightened anxiety in front of the world, acutely feeling their own insecurity and vulnerability. They are tormented by fears, they are suspicious and suspicious, expecting from the people around them any unseemly actions towards themselves. Often such negative expectations are exaggerated and are not related to the real attitude of people towards them. Fears and feelings of danger make them closed, as if "withdrawn into themselves." They seek to find protection from their mother, who, as it seems to them, reliably, like a "wall", closes them from the aggressive and unpredictable outside world.

Such inadequacy, over-anxiety and autism can form a certain accentuation of character in a grown-up son or daughter, up to a borderline state and even mental illness. In the psychological literature, it is widely believed that this may be a schizoid accentuation, respectively, the mother here acts as a "schizogenic mother." In the psychiatric literature, cases of schizophrenia are recorded, calling the mother, who gave birth to a mental illness in her child, "a schizophrenic mother" (VV Stolin, 1983, pp. 34-38; ... one of the Italians).

Addiction

If a child, a young man or a girl, who grew up with such a mother, nevertheless built their families, certain psychological difficulties typical for such children are observed. Thus, a son often remains dependent on his mother, being physically an adult, and psychologically an immature and infantile child. Such a young man is usually called "mama's boy" by people. If he married a girl soft, emotional and weak in character, the older woman (mother-in-law) will retain and even increase her influence on her son. He will be guided by her opinion, ask her advice, give her money, etc.

But most often, such a son chooses a strong woman as his wife and translates a mother's position in a love relationship in order to unconsciously end his relationship with his mother. In his family, he manifests himself in contradictory and ambivalent ways: on the one hand, such men demand that they accept their male leadership, on the other hand, they really act as dependent on their wife. As a result, a woman is forced to “play along” with her husband: to pretend that he is in charge of the family, but to really make decisions, earn money, deal with family affairs, raise children, that is. be a family leader.

Unconsciously, nevertheless, experiencing pressure from the mother, such a son can “throw off” his irritation on his wife, trying to “finish building” himself with her and become an adult and mature. Such a desire is often expressed in unjustified aggression towards the wife, focus on personal self-affirmation, and even some male tyranny. The aggressiveness of such a dependent husband is often intensified by the fact that subconsciously he feels a sense of guilt towards his mother for the fact that he had to leave her for another woman - his wife.

There may be another "option" for solving the problem - the husband's conscious acceptance of his wife's leadership. Often such men call their wife - mother, while she does not have to be older than her husband. But families in which a woman is physically and psychologically older than her husband and in which she leads, and he unquestioningly obeys her, are built like a child-parent relationship in which the husband acts as a “son” of his wife.

Such families are stable and stable if the wife is an active, energetic woman, shaped like an “older sister”. He seeks to receive care, she - to take care. But families break up if next to an immature husband-child is the same immature wife-child.

In addition to the infantilism of a young man and his dependence on his mother, infantile, immature and dependent daughters are also quite common. The people call such daughters "mama's daughters." The infantilism of the wife is manifested in the fact that she retains her dependence on her mother, who begins to lead in the family of young spouses: make decisions, distribute money, raise grandchildren as her children, and so on.

If a young husband strives for independence, he will fight for his family, conflict with his mother-in-law and strive to "tear" his wife away from her mother. In case of success, the family will survive, in case of failure, the husband leaves, and the daughter and children remain with her mother.

Who is guilty?

Considering the sad personal stories of single people, one often wants to ask: who is to blame - mother, son or daughter? Professional experience shows that this typically Russian question can be answered as follows: everyone is to blame - both the mother and the children.

Therefore, the mother makes two mistakes in life. The first mistake is that she does not know how to overcome the style of relationships she has acquired, without understanding and feeling that the incomplete “family” in which she grew up is more likely not a rule, but a sad exception. A mother who lives by repeating the experience learned in the parental family usually thinks like this: “My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And my son will live alone (or my daughter will live alone). " For comparison, let us give the logic of reasoning of a mother who seeks to overcome the stereotype of dysfunctional relationships in which she was brought up: “My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And I will be happy if my son (or my daughter) has a family. "

The second mistake of the mother is that she could not “set free” her child, son or daughter, at that age period when they needed it. This is primarily adolescence, when a child goes through the path of personal growth, as well as the period of adolescence, when a son or daughter has his own love affections.

So, during adolescence, a mother must necessarily recognize the independence and independence of her child, despite the fact that she may experience difficult and painful experiences. At this time, mothers usually say this: “I have completely stopped obeying. Does everything in its own way! ". The mother speaks of the desire for independence, which she observes in her child, as something bad that needs to be "nipped in the bud", although in fact every teenager wants to be independent and independent, since such a desire is the main life task of his age development ... If the child does not pass this period successfully, he may remain dependent and infantile for the rest of his life.

During adolescence, when a son or daughter has the first love affections, the mother usually says: "She gave him all her life, and he, ungrateful, only thinks about her!" ("She gave her all her life, and she, ungrateful, only thinks about him!"). Or: "And what did he find in her !?" (“And what did she find in him ?!”). And during this period, the mother does not take into account the life task of her son and daughter, who begin to go through a happy and at the same time difficult path of mastering the role of a man and a woman, in the future, respectively, a father and a mother.

You cannot speak one-sidedly, blaming only the mother for everything, who in her motherhood is looking for a way of salvation from loneliness. Of course, that search for a mother carries the features of inertia, inability to creative life and maternal egoism, but the relationship of two always acts as a two-way relationship, to the content of which two participants make their "contribution": both the mother and the child. It is quite justified here to talk about the fault of the child - son or daughter. What is it?

A son or daughter entering the period of adolescence and adolescence can be accused of not fighting for themselves, for their growing up and for their independent life. In a sense, they take advantage of the mother, her vitality and experience, fearing growing up. After all, becoming an adult means taking on obligations, assimilating social norms and prohibitions, accepting the duty of love, motherhood or fatherhood. All this is hard daily work, performed not so much at will and in accordance with the principle of pleasure, but in accordance with a sense of duty and in accordance with the principle of objectively necessary.

So, a teenager striving for independence and independence must learn to communicate, understand people, set his own goals and strive to achieve them. In addition, a teenager must understand himself, "draw" his individual psychological portrait, form his inner "Image-I". It is difficult to solve these vital tasks, but it is necessary.

A young man or girl, entering into a love relationship, should gain the experience of caring for another person, forgiveness and self-sacrifice. At the birth of a child, they must learn not so much to take as to give - themselves, their strength, energy and life time - to a small born being. It is obvious that physically and psychologically it is incredibly difficult to do this, and the always existing temptation to hide from life's problems "under the wing of a mother" is very great.

The guilt of a son or daughter, who did not become truly adults, can be briefly formulated as follows: giving up life work and making a choice towards an easier life path, free from obligations, duty and self-sacrifice, building your life according to the principle "I want and give." ...

Despite the fact that outwardly such adult children live simpler and easier, not burdened with worries and expenses, they “pay” for it incredibly dearly - by their rejection of their own future. Indeed, sooner or later, the mother will complete her life and leave her grown son (or grown daughter), and the latter will face an empty house and lonely old age. Alas, sad fate!

What to do?

When looking for an answer to this second, typically Russian question, one should take into account that situations of dominant-infantile symbiosis between a mother and a physically grown but psychologically immature child (son or daughter) are very difficult to psychologically correct. Many psychologists believe that these cases cannot be changed at all. the consultation is usually attended by those grown-up children who have families. Sons and daughters who remain to live with their mother throughout their lives usually do not go to a psychologist. But grown-up children entering into marriage go to counseling very late, when the difficulties that arise become unbearable, especially if a young family begins to live in the same house with an older woman - mother-in-law or mother-in-law.

The difficulty in resolving the problems of interaction between grown-up children and mothers also lies in the fact that almost all participants in the family drama almost never come to psychological counseling. It is extremely rare for a young husband to come and almost never a mother. Alas, this is so. But in life there is nothing insurmountable, and you must always fight - for yourself, your family and your children.

Therefore, the answers to the question "What to do" are formulated by me separately for a single mother raising a child without a husband; a child in adolescence and adolescence; a daughter-in-law with a "heavy" mother-in-law; a young man who was raised by a single mother and married; a son-in-law with a "heavy" mother-in-law, who brought up his wife without a husband and, finally, a daughter who was brought up by a single mother and got married.

What should a mother who is raising a child alone do?

It must be remembered that the harmonious upbringing of a child is possible only when he is raised by two - a woman and a man. One woman, especially a lonely woman, can never properly raise a child. She will show herself to him overly nervous and unstable, will pass on to him a huge amount of her fears and "complexes". In addition, the mother always has the danger of solving her personal problems at the "expense" of the child, especially the problem of her female loneliness and failed family life.
If a single mother is raising a child-son, the danger of psychological deformation of their relationship is very high. Regarding the daughter, consciously or unconsciously, the mother “works” a social prohibition on the violation of the emotional and psychological distance with a same-sex person. With regard to the son, as a person of the opposite sex, such a prohibition does not completely "work". We can say that a single mother has a risk of creating a special relationship with her son, such as psychological incest. In the relationship between mother and son, emotional shades arise that are characteristic not so much of child-parent relationships, but of female-male relationships. Some meaningful words, smiles, touches, over-caring and over-control - and both do not notice how the relationship, having violated its natural boundaries, turns from child-parent into female-male relationship strange for mother and son.
If a woman who has a son, for one reason or another, could not keep her family together, she should make efforts to find a beloved man for herself - a friend, a coming "Sunday" husband, etc. Only if she has her own personal life will she protect herself and her son from unnatural, dominant-infantile relationships of psychological incest, in which the son will either not be able to create his own family, or will not be able to live happily in his marriage.
But even if the child is not only a boy, but also a girl, a single mother needs to find a man who would take part in raising a son or daughter. It can be a colleague, neighbor, relative, or your own father - grandfather. Male influence on the child is necessary.
For a son, a masculine attitude is an example of what kind of man you need to be, how you need to speak like a man, walk, eat, sleep, and finally live. For a daughter, this is an early experience of relationship with a man and an opportunity for positive acceptance of a masculine character. It is known that such psychological characteristics of many men as self-esteem, irascibility, fervor, egocentrism, anxiety, the desire for competition, love of love and others, most women perceive with certain difficulties, and the daughters of single women - even more so.
In addition, if a mother is raising a daughter or a son alone, she must necessarily have an exciting content of life outside the home and outside of her relationship with the child. It can be an interesting job, creativity, friends, hobbies. It can be affection for a pet, dog or cat. But in any case, when a child “leaves”, which begins in adolescence, the mother should have her own life, separate from the child, which compensates for her increasing loneliness and will allow her to survive this loneliness not as painful and stormy as it usually happens. when a mother lives only with her child and is completely absorbed in her relationship with him.

So, the mother's involvement in the life of her growing child should be adequate, calm and reasonable. The solution of personal problems that a mother has should be carried out outside her relationship with a child, with another adult, or in activities.

What should a teenager or boy (girl) do?

Positively accept your lonely mother as an opportunity and condition for yourself as a strong person. This positive acceptance is associated with forgiveness and understanding. To have and maintain respect and love for her as for a woman who raised her child without male support and support.
With a positive acceptance of your mother, you still fight to the end for your independence and independence. Strive to become a free and adult person: choose your friends in accordance with your desires and interests, choose your loved ones according to your feelings, independently plan your future and set your goals.
Protect your loved one in front of the mother if she makes supercritical remarks towards him. To understand and feel your union with your loved one and understand that any separation is a betrayal, no less.
Strive to weigh the pros and cons when making a decision. Strive to independently make a decision and achieve its implementation.

What should a daughter-in-law who married the son of a single mother do?

Form a respectful, correct, but neutral and distant relationship with the mother-in-law from the first day. Maintain family traditions and rituals, but seek to avoid personal, psychologically close relationships.
Of course, if there is an opportunity, start a family life and live separately as a family, trying to financially not depend on the husband's mother.
Never criticize the mother-in-law in dealing with her husband.
Always strive to ensure that the husband is attached to the family with love and responsibilities.
Gradually educate your husband, making him an adult.
Have patience and never fight your mother-in-law openly through conflict.

What should the son of a single mother do after marriage?

To choose a wife on my own for love, and not in accordance with the advice of my mother.
Try to gradually move away from the mother at a certain, "adult" distance. Do not initiate her into your family relationships, try to independently understand the problems that arise, without asking the mother for advice. Remember that someone else's experience in the family life of a son is not applicable, even to a mother, especially if it is the experience of a non-family, lonely person.
Strive to ensure that the internal choice and internal "scales" are inclined towards the young wife, and not towards the mother. The wife should come first, the mother - the second, so to speak. Those. family affairs and responsibilities should be leading, and the relationship with the mother - secondary.
Try to get out of the position of the son (position "under") into the position of an adult (position "above"). In other words, it is necessary to give up the desire to find support and support in the mother, but try to show support and support in relation to her.
If the necessary emotional distance does not arise in the relationship between the mother and son after his marriage due to the active resistance of the mother, it is necessary to “take time out” (a break) for some time - to communicate rarely and without obvious personal connotations. This will enable the mother to break the habit of guardianship over her son and rebuild in accordance with the change in his life role.

What should a son-in-law do when he marries the daughter of a single woman?

Strive to establish an independent family life - to live separately, financially and morally not to depend on the mother-in-law.
Take care of your mother-in-law, but try not to have an emotionally close relationship with her. Do not talk about family relationships, independently solve emerging problems.
Have a trusting relationship with your wife and orient her to ensure that family relationships are important and main for her, and relationships with mother are secondary.
Do not openly criticize the mother-in-law and do not conflict with her, showing respect for her, but not admiration.

What should a daughter who is married and has a single mother do?

To choose a husband according to one's loving attachments, not according to the instructions of the mother.
Start family life separately from the mother. Try not to depend on the mother - financially and psychologically.
Strive to rebuild relations with the mother and move from the position of a daughter (position "under") to the position of an equal adult woman (in a position "equal" or "above").
Do not initiate the mother into a personal relationship with her husband, strive to resolve emerging problems on their own, on their own.
Try to support the mother herself more, and not seek support and support from her.

Love for a mother for her child is unconditional and does not fade away throughout her life. It is not for nothing that they say that we remain children for our mothers throughout their life, well, because there is simply no other way. The problem of the relationship between mother and son during the first years of life greatly affects the relationship between them in the future. And if mothers very easily find a common language with their daughter, if only because she herself was once a child, a girl, then problems or difficulties may occur in relation to boys. That is why psychologists pay so much attention to the relationship between mother and son.

We invite you to learn about the intricacies of translation in this article, which describes the main problems and how to solve them.

What are the problems of the relationship between mother and son?

The mother loves all her children equally, but the experience of psychologists shows that, as a rule, girls are more attached to their father, while boys are more attached to their mother. A mother's love for her son always brings notes of harmony and tranquility into his life, which they often lack so much. If a father tries to raise his son strong in order to fight and live with dignity in the world around him, then the mother teaches him to think with his heart, and especially about where, when and under what circumstances it is necessary to use him.

What interpersonal problems are there that can break this delicate balance? The most acute question about the relationship between mother and son arises at the moment when a girl enters his life as a friend or wife. At this time, almost every mother feels insecure, and sometimes even completely unnecessary. She very painfully perceives the fact that in his life, besides her, another person has appeared who requires just as much attention, love and care. It takes strength, love and patience to come to terms with this fact and realize all the stupidity of your thoughts of uselessness.

At this time, it is very important that the son can correctly prioritize and make it clear to his mother that she always is and will be the most special person in his life, no matter what. No one will ever be able to take her place next to him. On the other hand, a mother should understand that keeping her son near her is stupid and ineffectual. In any case, it will come off your skirt, but it depends only on you how easy this process will be. Therefore, it is very important to understand that you will have to let it go anyway, and there is no need to hold it. If you close your eyes to such things, then there is a great chance to simply ruin the relationship, or even break it off.

In the relationship between mother and son, there is a fine line between love and tyranny (well, or domination) and this gives rise to numerous problems. When love becomes dominance, the relationship between mother and son is bound to become tense. The delicate balance in relationships must always be maintained and strengthened, and certainly on both sides. A mother should never interfere with her son's life, no matter what happens. And at the same time, she should always be there when he badly needs her.

Tips for Strengthening the Mother-Son Relationship

Of course, as in any relationship, advice will not help much - everything is always and for everyone in different ways, these are very personal matters, whatever one may say. And it is very difficult to find something that would suit everyone and everyone. But there are some universal tips that will be good for strengthening the relationship not only between mother and son, but in principle between people.

Language is our main weapon in the world. Communication is a way of communication between people, so it is foolish to avoid it. No matter how much you want it, but often people very poorly understand hints, especially silent ones. It is necessary to constantly talk, and, moreover, quite openly - but in moderation, of course. Communication with each other is very helpful in solving relationship problems, as well as the ability to listen to the interlocutor. The mother should listen to what the child says to her, even if it is stupid and unreasonable. But it is in this way that a person learns to express his thoughts, his inner self, begins to feel more confident when communicating with other people. At the same time, the son must also listen to all the advice of the mother, although due to the fact that she has much more experience than we do. Even if you do not like her advice, do not forget that, no matter what, she wishes you well and tries to do her best.

From early childhood, it is worth teaching the child what is right and what is not. Thus, at a more mature age, it will be easier for you to avoid any unpleasant little things in conversation, and in life as well.

The psychology of the relationship between a mother and an adult son is a serious topic that interests not only experts, but also ordinary people. After all, finding a common language with relatives and understanding them can be very difficult, especially if the children have grown up long ago and no longer need close attention from their parents.

Family Relationships: Complex or Simple?

According to statistics, every third family suffers from communication problems. Often, conflicts and hassles caused by inability to listen and hear lead not only to divorce between parents, but also to child abandonment. When relatives "broke the wood", and it became unbearable to communicate with each other, it is very difficult or even impossible to establish relations and return a friendly atmosphere.

However, if everything is fine in the family, and close people communicate well with each other, this is the key to a successful future. After all, if relatives support the younger generation and give wise advice without imposing their point of view, strong bonds are forged between fathers and children. After all, how wonderful it is when a grandmother communicates well with her granddaughter, born in a happy marriage of an adult son!

To understand how strong and simple your relationship is, you need to understand yourself and understand what exactly you are doing wrong.

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Adult children and young adults

Modern psychologists have noticed one strange trend: often children who have problems with their parents turn out to be much smarter than their fathers. This is due to the fact that in our century modern technologies appear, ideas about marriage are changing, and stereotypes are being destroyed, by which not even specific families lived, but the whole state. Indeed, during the USSR, ordinary citizens who regularly paid membership fees and took part in party life did not have the opportunity to express themselves and do as they wanted. If someone turned out to be different from everyone else, society became ruthless and almost always destroyed any independent undertakings.

However, now the trends have changed: mothers have become modern and "advanced", and their children are more friends than respectable descendants. And new technologies are making themselves felt: in order to raise a child, you no longer need to seek advice from teachers and educators, it is enough to find a suitable methodology that contributes to the child's self-development.

But even on this basis, conflicts may arise: if a mother brought up in the era of the Union gives advice to an adult daughter or son, a conflict arises. It can be avoided: all you need to do is just realize that there are adult children and small adults who are unlikely to find a common language. Therefore, adult children should choose those tips that really come in handy, and put the rest on the back burner.

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Independent son

An independent son almost always frightens his parents: he does not obey his father, does not lead a lifestyle that his mother would like to observe, and most importantly, he does not lend itself to re-education at all. Sometimes such a young man even leaves home to start an independent life, in which there will no longer be parents and other relatives.

If the mother begins to notice that the adult child has begun to move away, the best tactic is hands-off. If the parents are sure that the child has not come under the influence of a religious organization, does not use drugs and is not associated with the underworld, leaving home can be regarded as a certain stage that everyone goes through. After all, parents once left their homes to start a family and give birth to sons.

An independent son and daughter should not be intimidated: they have not changed at all, they just got older. And if a child stops spending the night at home when he reaches 18 years of age and declares that he wants to get married or get married, you just need to reconcile and support an adequate choice. After all, how wonderful it is when good grandchildren are born in a happy young marriage, whom grandparents are happy to nurse. And only an independent son can give heirs, because the "mama's son", who is under guardianship and never leaves his mother, will have serious problems with the opposite sex and social life, which will only get worse over time. Such children are not adapted to the modern world and often end their lives very badly.

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Does a grown man need a mother?

Of course you do. Absolutely everyone needs it, regardless of age, nationality and gender. After all, no one else can understand their child so well and help in a difficult situation. However, even here it is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of “mom” and “mommy”: if the former is a helper who can spend time with his grandchildren, receive and cook delicious meals at the dacha, then the latter is an enemy who sometimes turns out to be worse than a stepmother.

An adult man wants to see in his mother not a second wife, who is in control and before whom there are certain responsibilities, but a faithful friend, to whom one can come at any moment. Often the mighty of this world admit that in difficult moments, when there is no one to wait for help, they return to their father's house, where their mother's wing, a cup of tea and delicious borsch are waiting for them. It is on evenings like this that fathers and children become truly close.

Even if a mother is not satisfied with the choice of an adult child, she must act wisely and not ruin happiness. Tell me how to do the right thing in a difficult situation, gently ask how the young are doing and how the daughter-in-law is feeling - and a wonderful relationship with an adult son is guaranteed.

Often, the mother helps in those difficult moments when the child is in a state of divorce or severe shock. Then real parents do not reproach their child, but in every possible way support and give hope that personal life will improve and a person who is really worthy of love and respect will appear in it.

Hello!
I want to describe a situation that leads me to a dead end.
My husband's mother is a domineering woman with an absurd character and categorical opinion of her own about everything. We live in different cities, and she needs constant attention. If we forget about her for a while, calls with accusations immediately follow, and, more recently, she calls not only my husband, but also me. And yesterday something happened that was out of hand. Several calls followed with demands to urgently go to Skype, where she, pursing her lips, wished us a happy life and love, said that she no longer had a son, she no longer wanted to know anything about us, we no longer had relatives and family, and we can live as we want, then some screams, accusations followed, and she passed out. All this was supported by counting the number of calls in a couple of months and a proposal to write to her in the mail, why no one likes her and what claims to her. By the way, there are no complaints, but there is no desire to talk, because all conversations, as a template, look like this: “Well? What's new? Well, well, everything is clear with you. When are we going to give birth? It's time to give birth already. " In the last month we went through a very unpleasant situation, a crisis in the family, from which we got out safely, but, honestly, it was not at all to communicate with anyone. I will note that her son is 33 years old, he works in a large company as a chief project engineer, and I am a little older. This situation insults me, but I do not know how to get out of it, because I feel that I do not have the strength to resist this woman, I am too gentle a person. He also says that talking to her is useless and all her life she behaved in this way, but I see that he is very upset. By the way, she is constantly trying to turn him against me, and we have been living for 6 years. I do not know what to do with this and I ask at least some advice.

Psychologists' Answers

Hello, Elena!

You can stop being offended and focus on your relationship with your own husband and with yourself. In a relationship with his mother, now is a difficult period. She takes offense, makes claims, criticizes you. Realize that you can hardly expect anything else from her in the near future. If possible, postpone the solution of this problem until the forces appear on it. If it doesn't work, ask yourself: why does it take up so much space in your life?

And try to think, calmly, with detached interest: what is happening to her? How does she feel? She's not talking to you about you, but about herself. About your dissatisfaction, anger, anxiety, something else ...

Good luck!

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Hello, Elena! Why do YOU immediately belittle yourself yourself - after all, it is important who YOU see in her - a strong and domineering person - and in yourself? quiet and soft? and that YOU DOES NOT have fortitude? You will treat it exactly the way YOU yourself perceive it! YOU CANNOT convince her that you love her and that you need her and dear - AND DO NOT NEED! YOU cannot be responsible FOR the feelings, thoughts and actions of other people - leave it to her! further - share the relationship - The relationship between mother and YOU - belongs to YOU AND HER - and there is no place for her husband! therefore only YOU can be responsible for these relations and regulate THEM - if SHE DOESN'T want to hear YOU - THAT is her right - why dissuade her and persuade you to hear ??? DO NOT - decide for yourself - how YOU will communicate with her!

THE RELATIONSHIP between a husband and his mother - belongs to both of them and there is NO place for YOU in them - let him build them and understand them (and mom will NOT be able to MUST UP him against YOU - since only HE himself chooses whom to listen to - himself or his mother - the responsibility is ON HIM, NOT ON MOTHER!);

and the relationship between YOU and your husband belongs to YOU both - and you DO NOT need to bring your mother into them! live, build your life, communicate, love and you DO NOT need to convince your mother of ANYTHING - her choice of what to feel, what to think - let her! accept her as such - DO NOT argue with her - if SHE thinks and thinks so - just agree with her - YES, mom - since YOU think so, it is SO FOR YOU, if you want to know MY opinion - you can ask and hear - of course, if you want to!

Mom as a whole simply manipulates and tries to shift the responsibility FOR her feelings onto both of you - and the way out is to leave this responsibility to HER! and separate yourself from it!

Elena, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will be glad to help you!

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