Virtual love and betrayal. Why do men need virtual flirting

Man and the virtual world

Most of the representatives of the stronger sex when answering the question: “Why does a man need virtual flirting?” respond that they lack real communication. Most of these men would never agree to non-committal sex for friendship in real life, taking for granted a virtual romance. By the way, such flirting can easily turn on both a single and a married man. This is primarily due to the fact that men do not consider this form of flirting to be treason, because you can simply turn on the computer and immerse yourself in the virtual world, forgetting about all the hardships and troubles. But despite such statements of men, psychologists are very concerned about this circumstance. According to them, virtual flirting can absolutely replace the representatives of the stronger sex not only live communication, but also the joys of carnal love. So, according to statistics that was carried out in the countries of Western Europe, a curious pattern was obtained, which consists in the fact that 26% of men in the age category under 30 prefer virtual communication with elements of flirting instead of real flirting and communication with a girl (including sexual contact). and even virtual sex. And the situation that has developed in the United States looks even worse: according to the same statistics, 65% of men prefer cyberflirting instead of the real one.

What gives men virtual flirting?

Most often, men expect that virtual flirting will simply bring them new, funny sensations and impressions. For many men, such flirting is beneficial because, in essence, it does not oblige to anything, and even more so does not require the mandatory continuation and development of relationships. A man saves himself from routine and boredom, trying himself in a new role of "seducer from the monitor screen."

By the way, according to all the same psychologists, virtual flirting is flirting with yourself. A man, not knowing his partner "in real life", puts his fantasies and expectations into her, which, in his opinion, a real woman should be endowed with. By the way, it is precisely this image that a woman lacks in real life, hence the conclusion that the representatives of the stronger sex always idealize their virtual “object of seduction”. A man, as a rule, tries to delay such flirting as long as possible, showing himself in all his glory and the image of a real seducer. A man always selects an interlocutor "according to interests", the right age, appearance, etc. With such a lady, he proves to himself that he can achieve his goal, and even if his plan fails, the man still does not stop there, because he wants to prove to himself that any girl can be interested in him. Here is another conclusion for you - interest and curiosity.

And finally, it is much easier for a man to communicate with a woman whom he does not know "in real life", with such a woman he can not only flirt, but also discuss painful topics and even share problems. It is difficult for a man to talk about the fact that something is tormenting him, looking into the eyes of a woman he knows, but communication via the Internet is completely different. So sometimes ordinary flirting can be the basis for the fact that a man wants to win over a woman in order to simply pour out his soul to her. But we still do not advise you to hope for the continuation of such a novel.

You can be jealous of a man not only to real rivals: pretty secretaries at work, long-legged visitors to the same fitness club with him, former classmates, wives and girlfriends, but also to virtual persons. Moreover, it is not easier to survive treason online than in ordinary life.

Cybersex, which many Internet users are passionate about today, is a type of virtual sex. In its simplest form, it is a rather banal activity - masturbation in front of a computer, on the monitor of which pornographic pictures or videos flash.

Our experts are Professor, President of the Russian Association of Sexologists Dilya Enikeeva and Professor, Psychotherapist, Sexologist, Candidate of Medical Sciences Alexander Poleev.

What's the point of wasting time?

Let's leave alone inexperienced teenagers who quench their curiosity online. But what pushes adult men to virtual betrayals? By the age of 30-40, sexual experience has already been gained, but some only at this age begin to get involved in cybersex. The fact is that over the course of a lifetime, the dynamics of a man's sexual desire undergoes significant changes: after 30 years, the intense desire to have sex begins to fade, and social needs come to the fore. To boost their libido, some men engage in cybersex. He attracts the stronger sex with his convenience: there is no need for long courtship and foreplay, the desired result can be achieved easily and quickly. True, due to the excessive interest in cybersex, many men lose the ability to see women as more than just a sexual partner.

Stroll to the left without leaving the house

It would seem, why would a married man have virtual sex if there is a wife nearby? But the reason is the same - a poor sexual (albeit married) life.

Perhaps a man does not get satisfaction from intimate relationships with his wife because of the frequent refusals of a woman in sex, but it may be that even the best and warmest relationship with her beloved does not allow a man to satisfy his sexual curiosity, give free rein to his fantasies, - explains Alexander Poleev. - But often the reason for the passion for cybersex is the presence of sexual problems, for example, lack of erection and premature ejaculation. Men feel insecure in their abilities, and in virtual sex this problem is removed.

Some men, having cybersex, try to get away from the difficulties that arise at work or in other areas of life; for them, this is a way of relaxation, an opportunity to get distracted. But often, cybersexual attraction is a symptom of family problems that have been building up over time. These may be disagreements about everyday life, financial problems or insufficient communication with each other. With a virtual mistress, you can forget about your real life, full of difficulties, you don’t need to quarrel with her and sort things out the way it often happens with your wife. Due to its ease, accessibility and anonymity, cybersex often becomes an indispensable means of relaxation for men.

Most women, having learned about the cybersexual attraction of their husbands, react extremely negatively, regarding such behavior as real, and not virtual betrayal. Many sexologists also classify cybersex as a form of adultery, albeit in an unconventional form. For this reason, cybersex can cause divorce, and such stories have long been known to sexologists around the world. But there is another reason for the breakdown of relationships: often people who are passionate about cybersex lose all interest in their real partner, making love in a real bed becomes simply uninteresting to them. Of course, not always cybersex irreparably ruins relationships. If you recognize your spouse's virtual hobby in time, understand it and help to cope with problems, the family will be able to save.

Catch red-handed

The fact that the husband has a new hobby can be indicated by a change in the daily routine. The fact is that chats and other places of intimate meetings usually come to life closer to the night, so for the sake of networking, a man can stay up late at the computer. Some, hiding from their wives, enter the net while their other halves sleep peacefully.

Many men, of course, keep their addiction to cybersex a secret from their wives, only a few, without embarrassment, put all the action on display. Therefore, the virtual hobby of the spouse can be judged in the case of increased secrecy. This will be told by changing passwords, installing a computer in a room that can be locked, or simply in the far corner, the aggressive reaction of the husband if someone disturbed him while working at the computer. Perhaps a man will lie outright when it comes to paying for the Internet or telephone bills, or be unable to explain why he spends a lot of time on the Web.

As cybersex gradually becomes more and more time consuming, a man may stop doing his part of the housework and show indifference to family life. Loss of interest in real relationships will also indicate the presence of cyber addiction, since the sensations of virtual sex displace the desire to make love “for real”.

Healing with love

In the event that all the facts indicate that the husband is addicted to cybersex, you need to try to help him.

First of all, you need to calm down and not criticize your husband - everyone can have temporary difficulties. If a man "has gone on a spree" recently, try to switch his attention to yourself, arouse his desire for new underwear, striptease, role-playing. Or offer to have a virtual threesome, provided that after the computer session you spend time in a real bed. And if a man is already used to his hobby and it is not easy for him to give up virtual sex, contact a sexologist, an experienced specialist will definitely help, - advises Dilya Enikeeva.

It is important for spouses to restore trust, to learn to be attentive to each other's needs.

I'm just amazed, it turns out it's just some kind of scourge. You know I don't know what to do anymore? My husband is chatting. There he has virtual sex, seduces women, exchanges intimate photos. And what words he writes, I am shocked, I have never heard such words addressed to me. We have a problem in sexual life, very rarely. I no longer know what to do. Moreover, before I found out that my husband was chatting, I myself sent him frank MMS, but in response I heard only that I was a pervert. It was so insulting when I found out that he was doing this with other women whom he would never see. Well, how is it? I am not a complex person, how can I make my husband do all this with me? I might have reconciled myself, treated it as fun, but our sexual relationship is not good at all. Maybe it's because of this communication? Maybe he doesn't want a real relationship? How to understand? And what can be done?

Evgenia, Moscow, 30 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Evgeniya.

You are right that this kind of virtual communication is very common. Usually men find an outlet in chat because of not very comfortable communication with a woman in real life. Firstly, the chat allows you to make no effort to start and continue relationships, no flowers, courtship, quarrels, no mutual expectations, no domestic worries. Secondly, the chat allows you to be free in desires, allows you to "try on" new roles that, for various reasons, a man cannot "play" in reality. There can be many reasons why a man does not find the strength to behave the way he wants in life. From personal problems, self-doubt, fear of being misunderstood, rejected, to problems in relationships with a particular woman. Problems in sex mirror the common problems of the couple, in particular the lack of trust between partners, the lack of respect for the wishes of the partner. Evgenia, did you and your husband discuss the current situation? Do you know what he finds in chat that he doesn't have in life with you? In my opinion, only a sincere, honest conversation, without mutual accusations, in a calm, confidential manner, can resolve your situation. Because it is useless to guess about something about her husband, a finger to the sky. Trying to seduce and provoke him is also not an option, because. you may receive a rejection. Therefore, try to analyze why you do not have trust, at what stage of your life together it was lost and whether it was at all. And then very tactfully and carefully talk about it with your husband. Good luck to you!

Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.

And now you're trying to figure out if it's cheating or not... Making love in real life is getting harder and harder. For what reasons do married men begin to engage in virtual sex, prefer it to sex with his wife and even relationships on the side?

Availability

Unlike real relationships, online relationships don't require long courtship and gentle foreplay. In addition, a virtual partner is always ready to have sex as soon as a man wants it and she never has a headache (after all, she comes there for the same purpose). If in your relationship a man has to make a lot of efforts to set you up for sex, then perhaps he is just tired and runs off to the Internet for this very reason.

Try to change tactics and be the first to take the initiative - such changes can pleasantly surprise your loved one and take your relationship to a new level.

the freedom of action

In virtual sex, a man can realize absolutely any of his fantasies, even the most perverted ones. He can do things that no woman in real life would allow him to do.

Perhaps you should add variety to the bedroom. But be careful: often women, fulfilling the desires of men, forget about their own; at the same time, a man, getting used to experiments, constantly demands more! Variety in the sexual life of spouses is very important, but it should be enjoyable for two.

Self-doubt

If a man has erection problems or premature ejaculation (or just doesn't feel like a good lover), then this may be the reason for him to get involved in virtual relationships. After all, in them he can feel like a real hero.

If your partner suffers from any male sexual disorder, then this can and should be corrected (I already wrote about how to do this in my previous articles). But if in fact everything is in order with him, then do not forget to praise him, and then he will feel like a full-fledged man right next to you, and not in the virtual world.

By the way, this applies not only to sex, but also to your life in general - for men, the assessment and recognition of a beloved woman is very important. It inspires and provokes new feats and achievements. No wonder they say that behind every successful man is a wise woman.

If you suspect your man in a virtual relationship, remember: he runs into them because of dissatisfaction with your real relationship. Therefore, before blaming him, try to find the true cause of the problem and work on your relationship, including relationships in bed.

Watch the most frank show "Let's talk about sex" every Wednesday at 22:30 on the STB channel!

Help please! my husband, like many now, fell under a virtual addiction. he met a girl who lives in another city, at first they just had a correspondence, then I started to notice that he began to be some kind of secretive at the computer, he stayed until 1 o'clock in the morning, in the end, I decided to open his page and it turned out that he was having wirth sex with her in shock, I made a scandal to him, everything seemed to calm down for a while, but it wasn’t there that he opened a new page and started to correspond with her now he already started write that he loves her that he only needs her, when I started talking about a divorce, he said that he didn’t want to get divorced that I was jealous of the computer, but when this girl decided to cut off contact with him, he accused me of being the one to blame, I wrote her a couple messages I don’t know what to do, he claims that he loves me, but I don’t believe it, he recently said that in this way he wanted to stir me up.
help me figure it out

Hello Olga! Yes, indeed, sometimes the motives of the acts committed are banal, but the chosen methods are very ambiguous. Relationships through the computer and the Internet are now very common - what does this give men? - The ability to create an ideal image of your I (such as he dreamed of being) and imagine himself in this image; perhaps in this way they satisfy their deepest problems - internal indecision, low self-esteem, self-doubt; perhaps, feeding his male Ego, that he is able to like him - all this refers specifically to the deep unsatisfied needs of men, which in real life they cannot satisfy for any reason; and they choose exactly virtual relationships - since this is at a distance, this is NOT real, they are not responsible .... but it happens that this can really be behind this - the need to attract attention from your partner - make him jealous and thereby warm up interest in him, i.e. indirectly show the partner what he expects from him and get what he wants - but this is often NOT a solution to the problem, because it is difficult for the partner (you) to understand what it was behind everything that happened - after all, it was hidden, happened behind your back and nothing but distrust and it will NOT cause resentment - but here it is important for both you and your husband to understand - what exactly was under his object - you (that is, he did NOT have enough from you, but he did not know how to constructively convey this to you, therefore resorted to this method); or he himself - i.e. as the satisfaction of his personal needs! those. it is from the object of zivist and the possibility of accepting what is happening - and in such situations it is necessary to constructively establish relationships and the style of interaction in the family between partners, so as NOT to bring to such methods, but constructively for both parties to resolve problems and together - learn to voice feelings and echoes, so that the partner I could see and hear them! Olga, if you decide to look into the situation - feel free to contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!

Hello Olga.

I notice such facts: he communicated with a girl via the Internet (for me, this means that he may have missed something in your relationship), now he does not communicate. He says that he loves you, but at the same time he accuses that communication has stopped due to your fault. Yes, it began, it seems, from his position, through your fault - in order to START you. For me, it's about the fact that for some reason he is not ready to take responsibility for his contribution to your relationship and discord in it.

Your position: virtual sex (treason?) - it seems that his emotional attachment to another is more painful for you. However, there is no trust. You opened the page (probably the second one too?), wrote messages to the girl (why?). If he does not love you and is capable of this, then you need to get a divorce (or what?). For me, this is about your pain and resentment for this situation and a more general mistrust between you.

If it is important for both of you to keep the family together, it makes sense to explore your relationship and the responsibility of each of you for what is happening in them. This can be done in a couples consultation. If it suits you, I'll be glad to help.

You can also individually figure out what is happening to you and what ways out are possible besides divorce, and if there is a divorce, get support and support during this difficult period.

You can also email me: [email protected]

Sincerely,

Olga, listen to what your husband says - "stir up" and compare with what he is looking for in virtual communication - sex. What to spy on. violate personal boundaries and throw tantrums - explore why a person leaves a real relationship, what he lacks in your relationship with him. And if you correspond with his familiar ladies, discuss with him his "campaigns to the left" (so far virtual), then somehow you start to think that you are not very confident in yourself and do not respect yourself, sinking to the level of discussing the intimate side " virtual life" of her husband with another woman.