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This love is such a puzzle. What is a platonic relationship

The story is common, but very difficult: (I will try to omit my subjective opinion about the motives of the man and many details and events, I will describe the main thing.

SITUATION AT THE BEGINNING

A year ago, at the courses, I met a young man (let's call him M., my age). After training, they continued to communicate on the Internet and very quickly confessed to each other their sympathies and the presence of a family: I have been officially married for 5 years, he is 7 years old. He confessed first, like at first sight and all, I gradually reciprocated, trying to keep my distance, which was almost impossible, because. I immediately realized that it looks like more than love.

Then began infrequent meetings 2-3 times a month.

But on a platonic level, without development to sex, because we live in different cities, and tried not to rush things, enjoyed romance. Everything developed amazingly, beautifully and mutually. I very quickly realized that even without romance, I fell in love very much, and in the future I could stay with this person. But M. constantly tossed in doubts between the attitude towards me and his wife. Once circumstances developed in such a way that he almost destroyed the family, and according to him, I could “take him forever” at that moment. Since the situation occurred on the basis of a serious family scandal, I did not interfere, but tried to morally support him so that he would not flog a fever. As a result, he remained in the family and for some time allegedly regretted a little that I did not take advantage of the situation. A platonic relationship continued between us, but we understood that we wanted more ...

AT THE MOMENT

M. finally decided that he would not leave his family and love his wife. He also loves me, but still cannot clearly understand the nature of these feelings, although he does not mind moving the relationship to the stage of intimacy. Simply put, like any man: there is a wife and, in the long run, a mistress.

After all the fairy-tale romance, it was hard for me to realize the banality of the turn of events. But I immediately realized that I couldn’t support the short-lived relationship of lovers, and I shouldn’t even bring it to sex, because. I love this person, and further our attitude towards each other will diverge on the basis of such non-reciprocity.

We discussed this issue with him many times and came to the conclusion that it is not too late to transfer communication into the mainstream of just relatives and friends, leave romance and trust, but not give each other a reason. Gradually enter into each other's circle of friends, and maybe become so. friends (or break up if it doesn't work out)...

IS THERE A WAY OUT

And then the difficulties began. There is a correct definition: "love is not stained with friendship." The lack of development to intimacy is easier for a woman to survive, but jealousy does not go anywhere. I see in M. a loved one, it does not go away, it only intensifies. And I clearly understand that I can’t be his mistress and take a supporting role. This will lead to the collapse of my marriage, but not his. M. still treats me well with tenderness and affection, says that nothing has changed in relation to me. I don’t mind if we gradually enter each other’s circle of friends, if it’s more honest and better for both. Supports me, but I slide into some kind of apathy, depression, lose my sense, become irritable.

I really want us to be together forever, even as friends. But it is inexpressibly difficult to be just a kindred person to someone with whom you want to continue the relationship, in whom you see everything that you were looking for: a companion, a father of children. I understand that the last sentence may look especially stupid in such a short period of communication. But even the actions of this person, his behavior and everything is so mine, words can not express.

Is it possible for such a person to remain simply dear and close? Will familiarity with his social circle help to come to this feeling of simple kinship? And can a man himself maintain such a relationship?

UPD. I decided to take out a few important points from the comments.
1) My marriage and relationship with my husband are two different people with different interests and experiences. The husband from the parental family endured the experience of normal healthy relationships, respect for a woman, the desire to create a family with children, and the like. But his character lacks a strong man, patriarchy or something, he does not have a strategy for the future - to earn money, improve living conditions, and so on. He even behaves somehow feminine, I don’t see a man in him, I don’t want children from him, I never even wanted to have sex with him. I responded to his attentions and proposals, which eventually led to marriage. I hoped that we could be happy, but in the end it turned out the cohabitation of two "friends". I do not feel like a woman next to him, but I love him very much as a friend and just a family person.

I, in turn, had no family and no model of healthy relationships. I will not go into details, but due to life events, my idea of ​​family relationships, femininity, motherhood is greatly distorted and mutilated. It costs me a lot of effort to come to this model of a normal family myself, to create something of my own, even to see and recognize my femininity. From all my relationships with other men, I realized that what I lack is the man who needs to obey, the patriarchy.

I offered to get a divorce, but my husband does not leave and offers to work on the relationship. Of course, I’m ready to change, since he cares, but it’s hard to do and I feel more and more that I’m doing everything “through I don’t want to” and my husband himself doesn’t really know what to do.

2) About the hero of the post. Knows how to satisfy everyone without losing face. Adheres to the rules in marriage, maintains the wife's confidence, stability, while she does not limit him.
This person has that same man, patriarchy, the ability to organize me, to reveal my femininity, to direct me in some constructive direction. If we discard romantic snot, this person is a strong motivator for me to change. after all, we not only walk under the moonlight, but also communicate a lot on the topic of families, marriages as friends. I don’t even need romance on his part, I see in him an ordinary life with everyday life, a solution to constant problems - I even like it. But he does not need it, he already has a perfectly built marriage.

Marina Nikitina

Sublime and devoid of physical attraction love is called platonic. It is generally accepted that this type of love received its name in honor of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato.

In our time, platonic relationships are not a very common occurrence. Platonic love is difficult to define, often identified with friendship.

Why do people love platonically? What is the essence of this high feeling?

Love according to Plato

As early as the third century BC, Plato described love devoid of sexual context as true love. Since the philosopher was an idealist, he considered earthly love to be a reflection of heavenly, ideal love.

Platonic love is the pure and unblemished affection of two people.

Plato shared the spiritual and physical components of love. The less physical, material in love, the more ideal it is. According to Plato, the soul stores knowledge about ideal incorporeal love, but earthly love involves bodily contact, therefore it cannot be true.

According to Plato, love is a craving for beauty and aspiration. This is a feeling of happiness in life, not the experience of heterosexual relationships. Love is needed by the soul, not by the body, which is guided by the desire to satisfy needs.

Sexual attraction is not love, but instinct. When a person loves with true love, he rises above everything earthly.

Interestingly, Plato himself spoke of spiritual love as a relationship between two men. He described love for a woman only as a way to continue the race. The purpose of a woman is the birth and upbringing of children, and not a spiritual connection with a man.

Over the past millennia since the time of Plato, the concept of Platonic love has been supplemented and expanded.

Nowadays, platonic love is more often understood as close heterosexual relationships that exclude sexual contact.

Reasons for platonic love

Why does it happen that two people, whom nature has endowed with the ability to love each other physically, choose a different love?

Reasons for platonic love between a man and a woman:

Inseparability of feelings. When a person happens, he has no other choice but to have platonic feelings for a loved one, but not a loving person. In this case, sexual desire is present, but not directly satisfied. Unhappy lovers do this indirectly through creativity and other activities.
Age. In childhood and early adolescence, people do not experience sexual attraction due to sexual immaturity, but they experience affection, sympathy, and intimacy. First love in childhood and adolescence is often platonic.
Upbringing. Conservative parents forbid sex for children under eighteen before marriage or with a specific person. A platonic relationship in this case is a temporary phenomenon, love will be supplemented by a sexual relationship as soon as it becomes possible.
Asexuality, lack of attraction. In this case, people who have ceased to be interested in each other as sexual partners or never were, love mutually tender love, without the desire to have sex.

March 29, 2014

What does the term "platonic love" mean? Does she have a place in the modern world, full of insidious games and virtuoso manipulators?

For the first time, the words about the emergence of “ideal”, crystal clear spiritual relations were heard from the lips of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato. The sage described them as a process of ascent to the "contemplation of the divine" or the enjoyment of the Supreme Beauty, which begins as a physical attraction and gradually develops into something more. According to his teachings, man is made up of two important elements: the soul and the body. Each of these parts has its own kind of love.

Sexual desire, which helps to continue the human race and gives erotic pleasure, is the urge of the flesh. Noble feelings of spiritual intimacy of partners are the sphere of influence of the soul.

If carnal love is based on eroticism, passionate love, the desire to possess an object of attraction and receive sexual pleasure, then platonic love is its complete opposite.

The study of the theory helps to understand that, unlike physical attraction, it develops the spirituality of a person. Directs the soul to cosmic processes and high spiritual values, inspires and gives a feeling of bliss.

If the fiery passion narrows the world in the eyes of a person, concentrating on sexual attraction to a particular person, then the feeling of platonic love, on the contrary, expands its boundaries, allows you to go beyond the narrow framework of earthly feelings and get closer to the divine.

But how to understand what platonic love is in the modern world? The definition that Wikipedia offers us describes its signs as elevated feelings based on a person’s romantic sensuality, spiritual attraction without an admixture of base animal instincts and obsession with an object of passion. That is, we can say that this is a disinterested bright feeling in which spiritual values ​​are placed above biological ones.

The attention of a lover moves from external factors (the attractiveness of the body, attachment to the flesh) to the inner world of a person, the beauty and wealth of his soul.

Thus, platonic love is the opposite of carnal love, which is expressed in physical attraction, lust, the desire to possess a partner. Sensual relationship is a synonym that perfectly conveys a deep spiritual connection between people.

Can it be considered the result of unrealized sexual fantasies, immortalized by writers and poets, artists, sculptors and musicians in their works, about which the old Freud so inspiredly spoke?

A modern take on relationships

Psychologists say that in a strong family union, platonic love and the physical (carnal side of life) come together, which allows the couple to overcome the obstacles and difficulties of everyday life, smooth out bumps and not lose mutual attraction after many years spent together.

What does platonic intimacy mean in today's world? The meaning of this term is significantly different from what the ancient sages meant when they talked about the rich palette of human feelings.

In the understanding of a modern person, this is a close relationship of heterosexual couples that do not imply a sexual relationship. Sometimes they border on deep sympathy, affection and even friendship, the search for a soul mate.

Skeptics argue that such a relationship is doomed to failure and sooner or later the attraction disappears, because relationships need constant development. Stagnation at a certain phase indicates a lack of prospects.

But life is much richer and more diverse than a person's idea of ​​it. Many people have experienced from their own experience that it is possible to maintain a deep love affection for a person, even if physical contact with him is impossible due to objective reasons.

People can live in different corners of the earth, but be closer than those who share bed and food with them. Sometimes such relationships move to a new stage if the partners decide to create a full-fledged family.

Such a case is described in many literary works, including in a short story by the wonderful writer Irina Govorukha "Hearts of Three".

“Two front-line comrades looked after my grandmother after the war. Together they dug trenches near Kharkov, were injured, and when they returned, both made an offer. She chose the one that was more fun. The other nodded, saluted playfully, and built a house next door. He visited, repaired the roof, the fence, and even baptized the firstborn. Then the husband became seriously ill and died. The friend waited the prescribed six months, called for marriage, and my grandmother lived with him for another thirty happy years.

If we take into account the classic love triangles, one of which is so masterfully described by the writer, then a sensual spiritual connection after a while can quite easily turn into an intimate one.

Also, each of us can remember the life story of relatives or friends who kept in touch at a distance, maintaining devotion and fidelity to their spouse or spouse.

Quite often, online romances, which originated in the process of correspondence or friendly communication via Skype, virtual flirting and eventually formed mutual sympathy, turn into a real plane. Lovers create strong family relationships, the background of which was essentially platonic feelings and moral closeness.

Such cases once again confirm that this is quite possible. And if we take into account the trends of the modern world, its departure from the field of traditional marriage, getting rid of severe social pressure and control over the life of a young couple towards freedom of morals, which make people more accessible to each other, then it can be argued that real intimacy in moral terms without admixture sex exists.

Moreover, it can make a person happier, inspire and, as the father of the theory Plato claimed, direct our souls to high spiritual values ​​and give a feeling of bliss.

9 462 0 Hello dear readers! Today we want to tell you about platonic love, relationships, their history, types and benefits.

History of occurrence

Plato - an ancient Greek philosopher, thinker, founder of many theories, a student of Socrates, for the first time in his work "Feast" gave the concept and revealed the essence of Platonic relations.

Platonic relationship according to Plato, this is the spiritual attraction of people to each other, while carnal desires and pleasures are completely rejected. The ancient Greek philosopher argued that a person consists of a soul and a body, and each has its own kind of love: bodily or spiritual.

  • bodily relations- this is a thirst for carnal pleasures, to satisfy the body, a desire for physical intimacy.
  • spiritual relationship- this is a noble form of relationships between people, where the soul strives to be close to the object of platonic love.

Hence it follows that platonic love - this is an unstable relationship, which is based on desire and aspiration in a spiritual connection with the object of love, excluding carnal pleasures.

Platonic love is a true way of expressing your feelings and emotions. According to Plato, only a person who knows how to control his feelings and emotions can be in a platonic relationship. Here, the ancient Greek scientist emphasizes that the ability to control one's feelings distinguishes a person from an animal that is not spiritual.

Platonic relationships help to know happiness, Plato argued.

Platonic love between a man and a woman in the modern world

What's this? Love or friendship? What is the difference? It is believed that the platonic relationship between a man and a woman is much stronger than friendship, love or affection. Often, such love is the primary source of strong and strong feelings. At the same time, it is not always mutual, it can be one-sided and unrequited feelings. And friendship is characterized by the interaction of two people, the presence of common interests.

There are many types of platonic relationships in the modern world. Let's look at some of them.

Unrequited love

Unrequited love- This is a type of platonic relationship in which there are two sides, but one of them takes an active position and the other is passive.

What does it mean? The active side of Platonic love has feelings for the passive side. At the same time, the passive side may not be aware of the presence of a feeling of love, or simply not reciprocate them.

Such platonic love is typical for teenagers, who often experience unrequited feelings for peers, teachers, idols. To these people they give "secretly" love or want to imitate them. As a rule, such love passes independently and imperceptibly with age, when new interests, aspirations and desires appear.

Relationships at a distance

This is the love of a man and a woman at a distance, which is more forced than desired. After all, as a rule, when the barrier, which is distance, is removed, such relationships grow into something more. Long-distance relationships quickly take the form of romantic relationships when they meet.

This is a type of relationship in which partners experience feelings of love, sympathy, interest in each other. Today, long-distance relationships can exist for a long time thanks to technological advances: social networks, Skype, emails and more.

Relationships of the elderly

Often, an exclusively spiritual connection can appear in a couple who previously had bodily relationships, but due to age they have come to naught. Also, platonic love can flare up between lonely elderly people. As a rule, in old age, interests and desires change in a couple, while the desire for physical intimacy fades into the background.

The spiritual disposition to each other in an elderly couple is ideal, because common interests come to the fore: walking, watching movies, classes with grandchildren, having fun with friends.

spiritual intimacy

This is another version of a platonic relationship, in which, as a rule, people independently and consciously protect themselves from carnal pleasures, setting spiritual goals and spiritual development for themselves. In such relationships, people are united by common interests, desires, aspirations, spiritual closeness.

This form of relationship is often found between true believers who consider physical contact a sin.

The concept of platonic relationships and their causes

Platonic love is spiritual, higher feelings that are not supported by physical attraction to each other. The main reasons for platonic love are as follows:

  1. Religion. Some peoples of the East honor traditions today. According to religious injunctions, any relationship is prohibited before marriage. However, all people, all have feelings and desires. This is how platonic love is born, when a couple experiences feelings, but does not show them in relation to the object of love.
  2. Voluntary renunciation of physical contact. Sometimes people voluntarily renounce carnal pleasures in the name of spiritual relationships.
  3. Poor health. This is another reason why a platonic relationship can develop in a couple. There are a number of illnesses in which one or both parties cannot show their love physically. In such a couple, platonic love is born, based on spiritual, psychological, moral support.
  4. Unrequited feelings. As mentioned above, often such love is typical for teenagers in relation to pop stars, literary heroes, teachers, friends. The source of such feelings is the existence of the object of love.
  5. Fear of damaging relationships. Very often, platonic love is the result of a fear of taking the first step towards the object of love. This is the fear of destroying, spoiling existing relationships, usually friendly ones.

The duration of a platonic relationship

Platonic love lasts exactly as long as the partners want it to. It depends on whether such a relationship suits each side, whether both partners want something more.

Today it is very difficult to distinguish a platonic relationship from a friendship or a romantic relationship, as its signs and boundaries are blurred. As a rule, today a platonic relationship is the first stage of a relationship between a man and a woman, which eventually develops on its own and begins to combine not only spiritual, but physical contact.

Platonic relationships end if your spiritual closeness develops into a physical one. The second option is if you have a conflict, a quarrel, or your interests have simply changed, against the background of which misunderstandings have appeared.

How to Maintain a Platonic Relationship

In conclusion, we want to give you some tips on how to maintain a platonic relationship:

  1. Don't be afraid of change. Nature is so arranged that if you are of the opposite sex, then feelings and sexual attraction can flare up between you. Do not be afraid of such developments. If one of the partners is not satisfied with further relationships without physical intimacy, it is better to let this relationship end now than to be a reason for quarrels and conflicts in the future.
  2. Define boundaries. If you do not want the relationship to develop and are afraid that your partner may think differently, you should talk to him. During the conversation, define clear boundaries for your relationship. Let your partner know that friendship is more important to you than physical intimacy. Invite your partner to treat each other like brothers.
  3. Pay no attention to other people's opinions. Often the platonic love of a woman for a man ends as a result of the influence of public opinion on the subconscious. If you have made the decision to remain in a spiritual connection with a person, do not listen to others, trust yourself and your partner.

Benefits of a Platonic Relationship

  1. They are stronger and more stable, as a rule, they only get stronger over the years, signing up with new emotions and events.
  2. Exclude the appearance of jealousy, doubt;
  3. You will not need to create the appearance of a desire to communicate, because you like to communicate - you have common interests;
  4. They help you get to know the opposite sex. In the future, this will help you build a strong romantic relationship with another person.
  5. You always have an adviser who does not compete with you, but is really your friend.

“Ideal”, “spiritual”, “pure”, “sublime” yes, yes, it’s all about her - about love, named after the ancient Greek philosopher. It is difficult for modern people to believe in its existence. Although we really want to - we are fed up with sexual freedom, in which the first place is given to the conversation of bodies, not souls.

For centuries, people have been trying to understand what kind of relationship can be called love. It was concluded that it (love) is different - earthly and spiritual. Manifestations of earthly love: passion, intimacy, sexual satisfaction. And Plato loved to talk about spiritual love most of all, in whose honor it was later named. So what is platonic love?

This is a spiritual relationship between people without sexual contact. Let's clarify: even without his desire, otherwise it's just a distant sight. Unilateral or mutual.

The world exists on the principle of a sinusoid: rise-fall. The sexual revolution was a natural consequence of the taboo on sexuality. But this wave has subsided - now more and more people like to indulge in thoughts of the high. Even fashion appeared: one love for life. Here you have the decline of "lower" drives simultaneously with the rise of spirituality.

At the same time, the concept of Platonic love has managed to transform: now this is the name for the harmony of the spiritual with the sensual - the so-called union of Heaven and Earth.

From the point of view of psychology platonic love is a rare type of male-female relationship. Two people can meet for many years, celebrate holidays together, but do not touch each other. The spiritual dominant is what is most important for them, for the sake of it they can easily give up pleasures from the sensual sphere.

Psychotherapists are well aware that there are many couples in the world in which people value each other, but at the same time do not maintain sexual relations, especially in adulthood.

Platonic, but precisely love!

Despite the skepticism of individuals, platonic love is still love. It's just that it is based on words, images, symbols related to the second signal system. Love, in the usual sense, includes both systems: the first (sensations) and the second. In people experiencing platonic love, the bodies are silent, do not enter into communication.

In textbooks on psychology, there is a place for a phenomenon called the “station prostitute syndrome”: a man platonically loves a girl, without erotic attraction, and he goes to satisfy his physical desires at the station to prostitutes.

Let's not argue with supporters of the opinion that the main purpose of the union between a man and a woman is to procreate. Judging by the rapidly growing world population, most people support this view. But if everyone thought so, then there would be no masterpieces of the classics, also born in love - platonic.

We won't go far. Our native Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky dedicated his Fourth Symphony to a woman whom he had never met - the philanthropist Nadezhda von Meck. Despite the lack of physical contact between them, Nadezhda turned out to be even closer to the composer than his own wife, who, moreover, was younger than the “muse”.

Platonic love... To argue about its existence is a matter that does not make sense. Because this phenomenon is already many hundreds, or even thousands of years old, and it has already proved its right to life. It’s just that the people she comes to are not so many, but, to paraphrase the classic, since she still comes, does it mean that someone needs it?