Whether or not to speak with her husband's ex-mistress. What should be changed attitude. Signs that you are fed up with a married lover

As a rule, at first women suspect a husband of infidelity and by all means try to find out the truth. Psychologists say that women's suspicions rarely arise just like that, more often than not, their husbands give them a good reason for such behavior. Even those women who prefer not to notice these reasons, having found out that a man really cheated on them, wonder how to forgive her husband's betrayal and how to continue to live, knowing that he has changed.

Experienced experts believe that innate pride in this case should give way to common sense. You should not "cut from the shoulder", succumbing to the very first emotions, first you should let yourself cool down. It is already clear that the woman had to live with the traitor together and nothing will change if she lives with him a little longer, until her emotions subside. It is best to repeat the statement “he changed” to yourself until it starts to make you laugh, although at first it seems impossible. The easiest way to treat cheating is the way you would treat another extraneous "dirty trick" that accidentally burst into your life: an annoying fly or hot weather. After all, in fact, no one in your family died or even got sick, you still have where to live and what to eat. Thus, you have absolutely nothing to shoot for, it's easier to collect troubles in one pile and throw them into the garbage chute.

How to behave correctly with a cheating husband

In order to understand how to forgive her husband's betrayal, first of all, you should determine for yourself which way out of the situation would be best for you. If most of all you want everything that was before to return, and you and your husband would continue to live peacefully and well, you should realize that this is not science fiction, but a very possible scenario for the development of the situation.

However, it is important to remember that those who would like to continue to live peacefully with their husbands should not use “total” methods such as verification and surveillance. You should also not constantly ask your husband about his mistress, subconsciously comparing yourself to her. All this is not only unbearable and humiliating, but also completely devoid of common sense. If you think that the suddenly revealed truth is unbearable for you, try to understand that divorce will not relieve you of suffering. Any pain subside over time, but it does not happen as quickly as we would like. If you think that divorce will solve your problem, then you need to understand that in the first place it will play into the hands of your husband's mistress, although it is quite possible that his betrayal was for him an accidental relationship.

What should be changed attitude

Those who seek to understand how to forgive the betrayal of a husband, first of all, should not demand from him a sharp end to relations with his mistress, and if he himself proposes this, then there is no need to poison the life of either him or himself with constant scandals and reproaches. Remember that he himself chose you, and in fact this, by and large, indicates his sincere feelings.

Reconsider your intimate relationships, while trying to diversify them as much as possible. In no case should you shy away from your marital duties, especially if you have often behaved this way before. We must not forget that your chosen one is primarily a man, and, as you know, in many cases, they are hampered by a long absence of intimacy. After agreeing to restore your relationship, try to optimally distribute household responsibilities so that you do not get too tired by the evening, and your husband feels involved in family life. There is no need to even doubt that if he takes an active part in it, it will confirm without any words that he values ​​your relationship.

What to do if the husband continues to communicate with his mistress

If the husband abruptly refuses to break up with his mistress, then it can be difficult for a woman to understand how to forgive her husband's betrayal and improve relations with him. In this case, it may be advisable to decide on a warning about the breakup, but this should be said so that the husband does not perceive it as a game or as blackmail. In most cases, men, when they fully realize the intentions of their wife, themselves come to the conclusion that they will have to break up with their mistress: after all, they also value family relationships, but they are not used to demonstrating it.

A lot depends on the woman in this matter: after all, in the final analysis, the choice remains with her. The most important thing is not to make hasty decisions, the consequences of which can be very different. Before deciding something, a woman should completely calm down so that her actions do not look reckless. Every person has the right to make a mistake, and a stamp in a passport does not guarantee that a man will never make a mistake. But it will only depend on the behavior of his wife what exactly he himself will consider a mistake: his decision to marry or his betrayal.

Hello dear readers! For any woman, being in a love triangle is not an easy test. Nerves and experiences during the period of discord, distrust and suspiciousness after. It seems that the old trust will never be achieved. The only desire is to know how to understand that the husband has broken up with his mistress forever and this problem will never return to your home.

I would really like to give you some useful tips, labels, indicators - call it what you want, which would allow you to calm down and correctly determine that the problem has disappeared from life forever. This would greatly simplify life, make it clear what to do next. However, the problem now is completely different and the sooner you understand this, the better.

Better for those who leave

Perhaps not everyone will like my words now. I am convinced that you even hate to think about another woman and this whole story, but please try to reconcile at least for a while. Now I will give information that is very important to understand in your position.

It would seem that parting with a person is the most difficult thing. Unfortunately, not always. A breakup leads to temporary pain and distress. They pass. Lethargy, apathy, sadness, melancholy are possible indicators of parting. It is likely yours.

Everyone suffers in different ways. Some men will tend not to show you their mood. If they have such an opportunity, they will try, others will close in themselves and start doing something on their own. For the third, you can generally notice an uplift in mood. They have finally solved a problem that has been tearing them apart for a long time. They believe that they have now begun to live according to their conscience.

There are no uniform indicators. A very important role will be played by the circumstances that accompanied your triangle: does the husband assume that, how he treats you and another woman, how much he believes in the correctness of his choice, and so on.

There are no uniform indicators, and in fact, they do not matter. The real and most serious problem now lies elsewhere. They fled, they are no longer together, only you are left, with the same person and new conclusions about him.

To whom and why is it harder than others in reality

The mistress or your husband will soon forget this story and all the emotions that they felt for each other. Your husband will decide whether he wants to try again to build a relationship on the side, or he will become a faithful and devoted spouse. You will know and constantly think about what he is.

It is you who are now experiencing the true suffering and are aggravating your unenviable position by trying to find out the truth, to check if that romance has resumed.

Chances are you already know that spying and checking your phone will get you nowhere. The husband has already shown that he knows how to cheat in such a way that you are not aware of anything. You have already been convinced by your own experience and once, since you continue to live together. I don’t think that otherwise you would be reading this article right now.

You have been in a difficult situation and are just starting to try to forgive your husband. I really don't want to step on the same rake, I understand. The only desire is to protect yourself: to hang additional bugs on it, hack all correspondence, set up a quadcopter with automatic aiming at a person. But think, how long will you live like this? Who gets unpleasant discomfort in the first place? How and how can you make your life easier?

How to proceed to make it easier

Now you are faced with only two possible options for the development of events: either you leave the man, because you can no longer trust him, or you start everything from scratch and try to suppress thoughts of betrayal and checks in yourself. There is no third.

There is no talk of complete deliverance from the fear of new betrayal. At least not right now. Try to force yourself to think less about it. This is simply necessary.

This woman, this situation will forever remain in your life, as well as the thoughts that your husband can change, but what will you achieve if you constantly persecute him and try to find the facts? First of all, you yourself will suffer from this.

Imagine, there is no more betrayal. He wants to become faithful, devoted and live with you alone. Your fears are in vain. They destroy your psyche. All you do is climb into his smartphone as soon as a message arrives, shout from another room: “Who is calling?” As soon as the dial tone sounds. And all this time he's been honest.

Even if your husband did not part with his mistress and sooner or later wants to break up with you for the sake of another woman, how will you help yourself if you are now monitoring? Will it be easier for you to get over this moment? Will the suffering be less severe? You know that your experiences will not affect anything, so is it worth focusing attention on them.

It is easy to advise to put this problem out of your head, but it is incredibly difficult to do it, you are unlikely to succeed 100%, so at least try to do what is in your power - force yourself not to think and certainly not to do those things that everyone equally lead to nothing.

At the moment, it is necessary with your spouse and switch to their search and solution.

Finally, I would like to recommend a book that, although it will not help you regain trust in your relationship with your husband, will allow you to do something more useful, become calmer and slightly improve your mental state. The Hygge Book by Louise Thomsen Brits will teach you to live in the present, change the perception of the world around you and fill you with satisfaction available to everyone.

That's all for me. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter. I think I have some tips that you might find helpful. Until next time.

Making a choice is a difficult, responsible occupation that requires willpower and, most importantly, desire. Did you find out about the betrayal, decided to keep the family? Turned the page, forgot. But what if the husband continues to communicate with his mistress? Explains friendship, respect for her opinion, purely platonic innocent motives. It is difficult to trust the one who betrayed.

Let's consider different situations. If the husband communicates with a woman who has a long-term relationship with him, the common child is probably in vain worried. It is difficult to divide the spouse's attention from his previous life, but the basis of a strong union is trust, mutual understanding. After a divorce, maintaining an intelligent relationship is not easy, but possible. They say it is difficult to enter a family, it is even harder to leave. Discuss the matter tactfully with your husband. We need a calm confidential conversation. Whether to be jealous of the past? If you feel threatened, you may be unsure of the strength of your bond with your husband. You should also take into account the character of the man.

You can be jealous, anxious, afraid of cheating, or simply understand that the past is an experience without which you would not have met. He is your husband now, by choice.

Communication with a former lover raises well-founded concerns. Ask your spouse directly: « What connects you? It is difficult for me, unpleasant. Are you really drawn? Tell me, it's important for me to understand. " True, uncertainty is always better. Perhaps he needs communication, attention, try to become a friend, have common interests, share a hobby.

Sometimes the husband communicates with a colleague with whom he previously had an affair. Perhaps they just have a common business, business relationship. Sometimes you need to change jobs.

An emotionally unfinished relationship is a forgotten iron in the socket.

Potentially dangerous, attract attention, return to the past. Sometimes the situation is complicated by the blame for the breakup. Feelings need to be released. If the man is not going to complete the old story, the choice is up to you. Either endure, try to support, believe, or frankly admit, this option is not suitable and leave. It may be worth visiting a family psychologist, trying to solve the problem with the help of a specialist.

A separate situation, if the chosen one did not break the connection, he only pretended. Treason continues, despite vows, pleas for forgiveness. The man lives in two families, hiding a secret life. Endure, forgive the liar, pretend that nothing is known? It is up to you.

Negative emotions tend to accumulate, there is a danger of a nervous breakdown, depression. The situation is like boiling water in a closed kettle, you need to let off steam. You can often hear that the fear of loneliness is stronger than pride. As the saying goes, an inferior fence, but all a fence, an inferior husband, and all a support. Immediately there are hundreds of reasons to stay, reconcile, be silent. “Shared living space”, “how can I take my children away from my father”, “what will I live for”, “neighbor’s one is even worse”, “who needs me” and a bunch of similar excuses, excuses for my own weak character.

The victim unconsciously provokes the tormentor to humiliate, to show aggression. He is also satisfied with the situation, his wife suffers, why change? Behind the desire to receive pity, there is an unconscious desire to receive attention, warmth, sympathy, compassion. When a person feels sorry for himself, it is tantamount to a manifestation of care, love. A common benefit is to receive gratitude, recognition, a sense of one's own necessity, irreplaceability, and holiness.

Now let's deal with fears.

Types of victims

• Submissive. He lives by other people's rules, interests, dissolves in the family, agrees to be in last place. He tries to earn love by obedience, patience, submission. So it is accepted, it is considered the norm. Over time, causes neglect, contempt.
• Pleasant. Wants to earn gratitude by being helpful, pleases, uses flattery. As if inviting a partner to sit on the neck. Provokes displays of impudence, impudence.
• Hard worker. Works hard, trying to earn attention, constantly waiting for gratitude, recognition of merit.

• Poor fellow. Reminds of Carlson, who begs for jam. Forever sick, poor unfortunate. Perceives pity as a substitute for love.
• Strongly loving. I will love for two. With agony, suffering, I will awaken reciprocal feelings.
• Helpless. Frequent phrases: “I can't”, “no use”. Weakness wants to get what he wants. Learned helplessness syndrome develops before the age of eight, if the parents decide everything for it.
• An excellent pupil. Always strive for the ideal. Everywhere he succeeds, the hostess, mother, wife, mistress, employee. Only constantly tired, irritated, dissatisfied with herself.
• Always guilty. Chronic guilt feelings. The reasons are far-fetched. Is engaged in self-humiliation: "so I need it!" Dumps responsibility on himself, sometimes someone else's.
• Holy Martyr. You can't live without her. Bravely endures adversity, is silent. Proud of my own necessity.

The victim always blames others, feels hopelessness, resentment, powerlessness. Finds an excuse: "This is the fate", "the men are extinct." Believes that she is manipulated, used, made to suffer, tyrannized. It happens that a woman understands her condition, an unsuccessfully chosen life position, but cannot change.

What to do?

Remain an ugly duckling or overcome your fear by transforming into a beautiful swan?

Resentment, disappointment, anger destroys our self-esteem, exacerbates all kinds of complexes. The imagination paints terrifying stereotypical scenes of condemnation of others, loneliness, inferiority. How to Treat Mental Pain? Action! Love ... for yourself.

The exact definition of such a state was given by the psychologist, master technician of NLP Victoria Isaeva.

Self-love is an unconditional feeling of acceptance, awareness of uniqueness, originality, and dissimilarity from others. - Victoria Isaeva

This is the most powerful program of the subconscious. We create an imaginary ideal. We try to comply, feverishly adjust to standards, change. We reread thousands of women's forums, looking for magical ways to find spiritual harmony. The solution is closer. Stop setting conditions, making excessive demands: “When I am slim, I love myself. If I gain a couple of extra pounds, it means that I am fat, I try to avoid mirrors. " Sound familiar? Change your beliefs. Correct attitude: “I love myself the way I am, I can easily get back in shape. I have a wonderful body worthy of quality care. "

For example, a woman thinks that she was unable to keep her husband, to keep the marriage. It is worth relaxing, changing the mindset, and life is getting better. To say: “I haven’t managed to create a strong family yet. But if I believe in myself, it means that there will definitely be a guy in the world who has fallen in love with me like that. " Men pick up such signals incredibly accurately.

Do not try to maintain, keep the relationship afloat at any cost if the ship of family life has confidently gone to the bottom. Psychologies magazine published the advice of psychologist Kelly Flanagan to her daughter. The father, having seen the popular Google query "How to keep a man," expressed an opinion that helps many girls to endure such tests of fate:

The only task is to remember: you are worthy of the love of a wonderful person. If you believe that you are valuable in itself, you will attract a boy who is able to appreciate you. The only thing worth doing to "hold him" is being yourself. - Kelly Flanagan

The well-known practicing psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky claims that you need to immediately tell your partner what you don’t like. He can hear you or not. No "I asked", "We agreed", "You promised." Make a decision. You asked - the spouse does not change anything, which means that there are two options: the situation suits you, or is free. Such harsh behavior quickly changes the psyche. The fear of losing people, conflicts, and enduring such relationships passes.

One should not be afraid of being alone, not shouting that this is the love of one's life. When you begin to behave like this, the psyche from the psychology of the victim turns into the psyche of a confident person. - Mikhail Labkovsky

Study the situation remotely. Imagine life as an interesting melodrama with an unknown actress. What advice would you give her? Become the director of your own destiny. Life is multifaceted, ambiguous. Sometimes we get stuck on one side for fear of overstepping the line. It's scary to admit that you are capable of more. Fear, indecision, internal contradictions prevent you from being fully realized. Maybe you should try?

Women, you want to know why men meet with mistresses and what should not be done in order to maintain a relationship and not be humiliated?

If you become aware of his betrayal, the worst thing is if you do not react in any way and let everything go with the flow. If you think that by giving up on this situation, your husband's conscience will wake up and he will break off the relationship, then you are deeply mistaken. On the contrary, he would not even think of ending his romance.

Constantly nagging a man - for any trifle - is the surest way to his betrayal. A man can tolerate whims and discontent, but not as long as you expect. As soon as his limit is exhausted, he has not found a more competent way out of the situation - he will leave the family or start a mistress.

You found out about the betrayal and made a decision - to let him decide for himself. And while he decides with whom he is better, you will wait, and you will not make scandals. Error! A man will be very happy with your decision. Previously, he had to hide from you, but now you yourself have allowed him to go in the evenings to another woman. He will convince you that it is difficult for him to make a decision, he will be dragging out time for a very long time. And until you put him in front of a tough choice, believe me, he will not leave his mistress.

The worst way to deal with a mistress is to put pressure on male pity, to reproach him with the presence of children. Cry and try to show him that you and your children cannot live without him. In this way, you will not hold the man. As practice shows, children do not stop a man from leaving.

Why are men so drawn to the side? Beauty, the appearance of a mistress - does not play a special role. Another disadvantage is that the requests of the mistress are much higher than those of the wife. So why do men date mistresses? This is because there are no obligations in this relationship. He can promise his mistress mountains of gold. But, as they say, to promise is not to marry yet.

Often men meet with their former lovers, why? Why do men date their former lovers?

This is because the ex-girlfriend, the mistress, is already well known to him. It will not be necessary to look after her, and spend precious minutes. A former lover is a stage already passed, she knows what you love, she is aware that you are a married person. And, since she went on a second romance with your man, it means that she accepts all the rules of this game.

Men meet with their former mistresses in order to make their life easier.

Even answering the question: "why do men meet with their former mistresses", there is such an explanation. For a man, each of his ex-girlfriend is a victory, for which he gave himself a cup a long time ago. Therefore, when one of his exes rushes into his arms, the man's self-esteem rises with lightning speed. For him, this means that he is an outstanding man who knows how to bring pleasure and happiness to any woman. If she returned to him or she does not mind resuming the romance, then he is the best man for her.

For women, everything happens differently. Every former lover is a reminder that something went wrong in life. The former lover is living proof of her personal failure.

Women, if you find out about infidelity, find out that your man has an affair on the side - find the strength in yourself to push the traitor out the door. Or do you want to continue living with a person who does not respect you and does not value you at all?

This story is about sadness and hope at the same time. About a state on the brink - on the one hand, despair and the collapse of everything, on the other hand - victory and happiness for everyone. This is exactly how a woman feels, to whom her husband returned after "intrigue on the side." He says: "That's it, there is definitely nothing else there." And you do not understand how to find out if the husband has parted with his mistress completely, can you trust him?

They asked me: " Write how to figure it out, is it all or not?"I answer honestly - you can't figure it out. Neither the psychologist, nor you (that is, the wife), nor the husband himself will figure it out. I'm being honest now.

The psychologist will not understand, because the male head, although logical, does not have buttons, indicators and toggle switches inside, by which it would be possible to accurately determine the processes taking place.

The man will not understand, because he is now being thrown from side to side. He doubts everything. But - he is saved by logic. We'll talk about this later.

The wife will not understand, because it hurts a lot. The pain of betrayal overshadows all other feelings and thoughts. One has only to try to believe in the promises - and the moments when you learned the terrible truth come to mind again. I want to believe - and I can't. Let someone prove that now everything will be fine! With evidence, as I said, everything is very dull.

Oh, how I wish that in the seconds before the fact of infidelity, when a thought appears in the head of a man or woman: “ Why not? It won't get any worse!", A huge neon sign would light up in the air:" It will definitely be worse !!!»

Let's move from lyrics to practice.

Who knows whether the husband broke up with his mistress or not?

Surprise, dear ladies! The most chances to figure out whether the relationship on the side really ended, not with the husband, not with the psychologist - but with you!

Because:

• You still know this man very well.

And do not tell me that he managed to cheat on you, and you did not see. Yes, your behavior is full of mistakes that influenced your husband. But NOBODY knows him better than you. As one client of mine said: “ Even if he is a goat, but MY! "

• He came to you, he chose you.

Even if there was something on the side, if he cheated and played tricks, he still came here, to you. Why why? Because the relationship with you is dear to him. He appreciates them, he strains for them. Even just say: "I want to be with you!" - this is already a step. I understand that everything is bubbling with you now. It is the bubbling in the soul that prevents you from believing. Therefore, by the way, at the consultation, we first let all the emotions splash out.

• The future depends on you as much as on it.

Of course, he can start "sinning" again. But you already understood exactly where you were wrong. Remember, I said in one of the articles: "Cheating is a symptom of a family disease." Diseases of the relationship between husband and wife. Now you have a chance to heal the relationship. Together with her husband. You - correct your mistakes, he - his. This is exactly what we will think about!

How should a wife, to whom her husband returned, behave?

From all three points it follows that only you yourself have the answer to the question from the topic of the article. This answer can change very often.

You went to the hairdresser, you have a very stylish haircut, you like yourself in the mirror. Think: " From such a beauty, he definitely will not go anywhere now!“And he will not go away, because this beauty will work on the relationship, fix it.

Or in the evening you are "covered" with melancholy, you saw a photo of your husband's "passion" on the social network, got upset and thought: " Let him go wherever he wants. Back to her, or to another!"And he will roll. Because the spinal cord will feel that you have not given it a chance, although it seems that it has been accepted back.

This is called an emotional swing. So much has been written about them. Simply put - this is throwing from one extreme to another. They are absolutely not connected with objective reality, they are only in the human soul. Depending on your mood, you are carried upward on this swing, then downward.

It will pass over time. But in the meantime, you are going through an integral stage of restoration of the relationship. At this stage, you need to speak out a lot, not to allow feelings - resentment, disappointment, pain, anger - to stay inside. Only by no means to a husband, but to a psychologist. As a last resort, to some very faithful friend who will not run away from you after the third round of accusations against her husband, who succeeded in "eating a fish and not getting into the water."

This is the first thing a wife needs to do, to whom her husband has returned - to remove all the "dirt" from her soul.

The second is to start thinking about the disease itself in the relationship. Think for yourself and discuss with your husband. But, to be honest, very few people succeed in discussing with my husband. Most often, such discussions end in disputes and quarrels: “ And you!…. And I….!“So it’s better to start rehearsing, again, with a psychologist, so that later you will be able to avoid insults and accusations while talking with your husband.

What if my husband says, "Trust me"?

Think for yourself, what is trust? Trust is confidence in the predictable harmlessness of behavior. Humanly, you trust if you know exactly what to expect in advance. You can only know for sure in advance based on your experience.

So how can you talk about "turning on" trust on request? Especially after "that"?

No psychologist can teach you to trust your husband after cheating. Only your husband can do this with his time and effort. If you want to trust him - just do not interfere. Tell: " I want to believe you! But so far I have not succeeded. Please keep up the good work, I'm trying.»

What does it mean - keep up the good work? Either I was so lucky, or it really is true, but men, all the same, when they return, try to be "good boys." They do not give rise to jealousy, they warn of delays, they do not block phones, do not change passwords on social networks, they disaccustomed to hastily close tabs in the browser, write sweet messages to you in the midst of a working day. Maybe not all of the above at once, but at least they do something for the sake of their wife.

Remember, I said a few words above about male consistency? So, most men still follow the rule: "I decided so." That is, if an already roasted rooster has pecked, and a decision must be made, then the man will accept it, and will try to use logic to drive away all temptations from himself. Yes, logic does not always win. But the chances are great!

Perhaps you know what you personally need to restore trust.

One of my clients asked her husband to install a "beacon" on the phone so that she could check where he was at that moment. The husband installed. At first, for the sake of interest, my wife checked it, and then forgot. And my husband forgot about him. Although it was an excellent confirmation of honesty: "I have nothing to hide from you." I draw the attention of women to the fact that this is, after all, a rare case! Most often, such female requests are perceived by the husband as an attempt to control.

Yes, believing is not at all the same as controlling! They are opposites. The husband must control himself for the sake of the relationship with you. And you - to believe that he is in good control. And to behave in such a way that he wants to control himself. It's again on the topic: "Correcting mistakes in relationships." If a man sees that he has returned to a family in which something is changing for the better, then he himself wants to be worthy of this family.

I hear your indignant thoughts: " How?! And I still have to change something for him, should I correct something?“This is the very pain in you that speaks. We will give her the floor, she will speak out. And then you will understand that if you do not change anything in the relationship, then the situation may repeat itself. Not because the husband is a womanizer, but because the relationship is still sick.

This is how trust will gradually return.

Very often I give some more advice to couples:

• Create new rituals and traditions.
• Change something not only internally, but also externally: in yourself, in the house, so that the scenarios of behavior change.
• Learn the elementary rules of dialogue, say "I-messages".
• Completely ignore situations where a lover tries to remind her husband or wife of herself.
• Accept the idea that in a love triangle situation there are no participants who would be good. Everyone is bad there! And to the husband, and to the wife, and to the mistress. Don't think that "she sits there and rejoices." Bad for everyone. The only question is who can bounce back faster.

Let me say a few words about statistics. About my personal statistics, from practice. If a man came to his wife and said: "I want to be only with you!"