Uncommunicative child. Uncommunicative child. The consequence of external influences

How to tell if your child is introvert or not

At what age can you assume your child is an introvert? Psychologists believe that it is too early to draw any conclusions about the future temperament before the age of two or three. Children go through stages of growth and age crises, which outwardly can significantly change their behavior. In addition, much will depend on the upbringing.

“Finding their“ I ”in all children occurs through communication with others, - says gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. - Of course, you will not re-educate an introvert into its antipode, however, the warnings “Don't go near other kids, they are big, they will offend you or take away a toy” can provoke alertness and a tendency to maintain distance even in a small extrovert. And the desire to anticipate any desire of the kid in the introvert fosters a reciprocal desire to do everything in plain sight, only under the supervision of elders. "

And although the personality of the child will be formed for many years to come, including adolescence, at the age of three to four years, the difference in children's temperaments becomes more and more obvious.

Before our very eyes, the little extrovert literally "recharges his batteries" by playing with other children, developing activities in a group, going somewhere where he gets new impressions. It is also important for him to immediately express his feelings and emotions. For the same, in order, for example, to draw alone, such a kid has to expend effort. An introvert child will not be less interested in going to the theater or circus, but when he returns home, he is unlikely to agree to play on the street with friends. An uncommunicative child will most likely want to comprehend the impressions in a quiet game with his favorite toys or with someone close. Extroverts learn about the world and recuperate through communication and external connections, introverts do it alone with their own thoughts and fantasies. And this innate feature of their temperament, both those and others will take away into adulthood

To the bookshelf

Based on 20 years of clinical experience, Marty Laney's book, My Introvert Child, not only tells parents how to raise an unsociable introvert child so that he or she grows up to be a happy person, it also helps them recognize the typical traits of an introvert in a toddler as early as possible. The book includes a questionnaire to help determine the child's place on the introversion-extraversion scale. This will help the introvert child use their strengths to live in the extrovert world and achieve success.

“In fact, children are introverted creative, love to learn, have high emotional intelligence and do not suffer from vanity. Parents do not need to think that "something is wrong" with an introvert child. He should be helped to become who he wants, and not put pressure on him to “be like everyone else,” writes Marty Laney. And you can trust her! And not only because she is a teacher and practicing family therapist, a leading expert on introversion in the United States. But also because she is an introvert herself, living in a happy marriage with an extrovert.

So, if you have an uncommunicative child growing up, Marty Laney's book "My Introvert Child" will tell you what to do.

Your expectations are your problems, not the child

It is in the family that the child gets the first and most important experience of interacting with people with whom he may not coincide in character. Therefore, from an early age, it is important to recognize the baby's main right - to be different. Meanwhile, many mothers and fathers begin to mistakenly think that the child is lazy, incurious and too slow. And the main mistake is trying to stir up and "speed up" the baby.

“Often it is the extroverted parents who are consciously or unconsciously disappointed with the child, and he, of course, feels it,” says child psychologist Maria Chibisova. - The constant expectation of qualities that are not inherent in his nature will develop in the child only an inferiority complex. And, in order not to upset mom and dad, over time, he either begins to pretend through force that he can also be a cheerful and active ringleader, or he will completely withdraw into himself. Both are equally destructive. "

But even an uncommunicative introvert parent who spends most of the time with the baby and protects him from outside contacts runs the risk of aggravating some of the closeness inherent in the child. That is why it is important to develop his strengths and help him cope with what is not so easy for him.

Do without "pleasant surprises"

The attitude to fun and spontaneous, even if very joyful, surprises is largely shared by the world of introverts and extroverts. An uncommunicative child cannot cope with a stormy stream of new experiences that he cannot immediately perceive and comprehend. Therefore, tell him about all the plans in which your baby will be included in advance, telling him in detail how this will happen. Ask him leading questions: what kind of animals would he like to see at the zoo or what would he give his friend for his birthday?

Let your child choose their own pace of life

Once you give your child the opportunity to do whatever is necessary at his own pace, he will surprise you with the thoroughness with which he copes with the task. The situation when the mother is in a hurry and is nervous traumatizes any child, but it is especially difficult for an introvert child who, from childhood, strives for measured and thoughtful actions. Try to create a daily routine so that in the morning your baby has the opportunity to get up early and unhurriedly pack, play with your favorite plush animal or watch a short cartoon. Such rituals have an invigorating and calming effect on him.

It is very important for a child to make it clear from early childhood: he has the right to his inner pace and desire to be alone with himself. This is his feature, his character, and mom and dad in him respect and appreciate it. Even if he is surrounded by brothers, sisters or friends splashing with energy and fun, an uncommunicative child should not at all force himself to do something just “for the company”.

Switching attention is just for you, not for him

Find out the relationship with him without witnesses

Such children are very sensitive to parental discontent or anger and can be especially difficult if they are reprimanded in the presence of strangers. The conflict situation itself is not easy for the baby. And the fact that everything is also happening in public, especially frightens him. An introvert child can literally start being capricious because of a trifle, because he keeps a lot in himself, but in the end he cannot cope with his feelings. If your toddler is rebelling in public, move him away from potential bystanders. Explain to him why you are not comfortable with his behavior. Be sure to say that you understand how upset he was and that you feel very sorry for him. If your baby is already speaking well, ask him to talk about his grievance and invite them to think together what kind of words he will tell you in the future that he is upset.

Learn to listen patiently to your introverted child

Introverted children can be misleading, because sometimes they think and feel more than they demonstrate. And if you don't help them understand how their brains work as they grow up, they may underestimate themselves. From childhood, such people need time to calmly process information: to unite into a single whole everything that they saw, heard and absorbed. During the conversation, they literally put everything on the shelves. For a child, such a conversation is a way to organize their impressions. Therefore, when asking him about how his day in the garden went or whether he liked the performance, do not interrupt with leading questions and always give the opportunity to bring the thought to the end. Introverts, including small ones, need to put in more energy to restore the thread of the conversation and re-formulate their thoughts and feelings into words.

Choose classes for him by temperament

It seems to parents that the sooner they begin to lay an interest in learning and at the same time socialize the child, the more successfully he will develop. But for an introvert, such roller coasters may not bring joy or dislike the activity. The other extreme is the isolation of the baby, otherwise the group "picks up all sorts of viruses."

As a result, a not very communicative by nature, uncommunicative child who has not gained experience in communicating with peers, one way or another, will face this problem in elementary school. But only there it will be much more difficult for him. “There is no need to select special classes for children in accordance with their temperament,” says Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. - It is enough just to be attentive to the child, his interests and inclinations.

The kid may well participate in a theatrical performance at a general matinee, but you should not force him to read poetry from the stage if he does not want to. " It is necessary that the educator takes into account the characteristics of all his little wards. For an introvert, changing assignments often can be confusing. But his strengths are precisely the ability to carefully deal with one thing for a long time. It is also important that the child should not be allowed to engage in group play immediately, but given time to observe what is happening from the sidelines.

Kindergarten: the stages of getting used to an introvert child

“Children who take a long and difficult time to get used to the new environment: they don’t let their mother go, cry during the day, start to get sick often, they don’t have to be introverts,” says Maria Chibisova. - Rather, they are simply more attached to the house, feel their mother's constant anxiety and are not sufficiently socialized yet. Moreover, they can have any temperament. " It is also true that your toddler may find it harder to adapt to unfamiliar surroundings than more outgoing peers. But if you help him competently, the process of getting used to it will be painless and faster.

1) Before an introvert child goes to kindergarten, go to his future group together. Introduce him to the teacher and show the toys, play with them and identify your favorites among them. If the interest of the extrovert child can be maintained by reminding them of new friends and playing together with them, then the introvert child needs to be interested in toys and those activities that he began to master in the garden.

2) If an uncommunicative child refuses to eat and sleep, ask the teacher not to insist. This is directly related to the difficulties of adaptation, and any pressure in the early days will only exacerbate the stress. As he gets used to it, he will begin to eat and sleep, like other children.

3) Be curious about how your baby went through the day, what he especially liked. Perhaps he won't tell much. Ask the caregivers and remind him of the pleasant moments. When you pick him up from kindergarten, he may be silent - no need to attack him with questions. Give him the opportunity to just be with you: talk about something neutral. And then you can return to the conversation about how his day went.

All children are different, even in the same family, but all are loved

Even in the most friendly families, where brothers and sisters are attached to each other, the matter is not complete without conflicts and quarrels. “If in a family mom and dad know how to find compromises, first of all, with each other and accept children as they are, without trying to make them a little“ funnier ”or“ calmer, ”then the children also adopt this tolerance, the ability to see him in a different person. the best and interesting sides, - says Maria Chibisova. - When parents do not accept each other's differences, they risk getting a family split into “calm and boring” and “funny and noisy”. In the future, such a black-and-white picture of the world and the inability to interact with those who are dissimilar, the child runs the risk of taking it into adulthood. "

To visually explain to the children their difference, invite them to imagine an invisible circle in which each person is. In some it is very large, in others it is noticeably smaller. Explain that if the circle is small, the person may be uncomfortable, when they come too close to him, they suddenly start to bother, talk loudly. You can even offer the kids a game to size this invisible circle around each family member. Stand on the sidewalk and walk towards your child. Whenever he wants to step back, ask him to say, "Stop." Use chalk to mark where you left off and draw a line around it. Each family member will likely have a different circle size. In this way, you will clearly show the children their comfort zone, which may not be the same.

Explain that this is okay. Teach an introverted child to politely ask siblings or friends for more physical space: “It's great to ride a swing together, but couldn't you move a little?” For more extroverted children, tell them that if someone unexpectedly leaves the game or moves from them to another place, it does not affect their friendship in any way. It's just that a brother or sister needs a little of their space.

Today, few people doubt that the ability to communicate is a very valuable human quality, which, unfortunately, is not necessarily given to all people from birth. For some children and adolescents, the problem of socialization in a team is also very acute. A teenager may have more than a hundred friends on a social network, but at the same time he has no one to go for a walk with on Sunday, and only relatives come to his birthday.

Usually, parents begin to pay attention to this problem when the child does not have a relationship at school, and this can be expressed in the form of bullying or dangerous conflicts with classmates. I would like to look at this problem from the other side: as a problem of communication in general, and not only from the point of view of the relationship between children and adolescents.

For example, I always said to my children: it is easy to communicate with a person who is like you, and you try to positively talk with a completely different person, unlike you, for example, with a curious grandmother at the entrance, with a migrant worker who cleans our yard , with a small child in a sandpit, or with an annoyed security guard at your school. From an early age, you need to teach your child to communicate with different people, especially if you notice that he clearly lacks communication skills from birth.

We start with the sandbox

The situation is not uncommon: children of different ages are playing in the sandbox, and a bored lonely grandmother sits next to her on a bench, who wants to chat. Mothers are busy talking with each other, and she begins to pester children, who in this situation behave in completely different ways. One child, hearing her question about what he builds from sand, where he got such a beautiful spatula, and whether he will let her play with it, willingly begins to answer. Another child, frowning, moves away and is silent, and sometimes immediately goes to the mother, hiding behind her from the annoying old woman. In this second case, the mother may need to think about whether her child is naturally sociable. Of course, some parents will consider that it is not necessary for the child to communicate in this case, especially since they themselves sometimes cannot stand such harassment.

But in vain: this is a great opportunity to develop communication skills in a child. Of course, he doesn't like the old woman, he is afraid of her, or simply cannot explain why he ran away from her. In such cases, you need to repeatedly push the child to the desired behavior: at least to a minimal polite conversation with a stranger in your presence. At the same time, given the complex criminal situation in many places, of course, you need to explain to your child the difference between polite answers to an elderly person in the presence of parents and a conversation with an adult unfamiliar man, for example, on the way to school, if your child goes there alone. Practice shows that a small child is not a teenager who is difficult to force to do something against his will.

Up to ten years of age, the development of a child's personality can be very, very influential if you act constantly and purposefully. He can always be forced or persuaded to do what you need. If it doesn't work, then most likely this is your problem. (Of course, we are not talking about cases of mental disorders in children). For example, in the case of a grandmother in a sandbox, you need to at least ensure that the child does not shy away from unexpected questions from a stranger, but politely answers them.

You can give any arguments:

• grandmother needs to be pitied because she is bored and lonely
• to be polite is very honorable and, frankly, beneficial
• it will be very pleasant for you if the child shows himself to be a well-mannered person
• grandmother is a very smart and good person with whom you definitely need to talk.
  And so on, as long as you have enough imagination
  Will do it the way you want - praise and encourage.

If he refuses, directly order the child to do this, forgetting about his right to self-expression, he will always have time to express himself. If he does not want to - apply all the penalties adopted in your family.

It is impossible to concede here, it is at these moments that communication skills develop with different people, with a lack of which serious problems can arise in adolescence.

If a child deliberately avoids the company of his peers or has no friends in the kindergarten or school, one should not panic, but at the same time, the current situation should not be ignored.

Unwillingness to communicate with peers may be due to external reasons

In some cases, "non-standard" behavior can be a manifestation of the personality of the baby, which is quite natural for introverts. In other cases, the child's isolation and inability / unwillingness to communicate is associated with external reasons that must be identified and eliminated. The task of the parents is to find out what is the deterrent for a particular child.

Introvert: Special Perceptions of Friendship

By the type of temperament, all people are divided into sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric and melancholic. But there is one more division - depending on how a person replenishes his spiritual energy.

Some people, who are called extroverts, need an external source for energy replenishment - communication with other people. An introvert, on the other hand, draws strength from himself. Introverted children do not like fuss and noisy companies, they prefer silence and loneliness. There are much fewer introverts than extroverts - according to experts, no more than 30%, so their behavior is considered “non-standard”. Take a closer look at your child. If a child shuns big companies and often “withdraws” into himself, is not inclined to communicate, is vulnerable and touchy, prefers quiet fiddling with his toys instead of active games with other children, most likely an introvert is growing in your family.

Psychologists strongly advise not to try to "stir up" such a child. Do not impose unnecessary communication on him, do not drag him by force to the playground to other children - such an appeal can make the baby withdraw into himself.

At the same time, parents need to try to figure out whether the baby's behavior is exclusively introversion, or in addition there is shyness. What's the difference?

Introversion	Introversion + shyness
One introverted child may have a sufficient level of self-esteem and do without additional contact. Such children are confident in themselves, they are not looking for new acquaintances, but they are not afraid of communication either, they just feel comfortable alone. When they meet a worthy (in their opinion) object for friendship, they will certainly find a way to get to know each other.	Other introverted toddlers may be prone to increased shyness. They are not only afraid of communication, but also get lost in various situations. Note: if introversion is an innate disposition that cannot be changed, then shyness can be overcome.

Shyness: why you need to get rid of it

Uncommunicative, because he is shy, - this is often the opinion of adults, whose children do not make contact with either peers or adults. Why is being overly shy a disadvantage that needs to be overcome?

All people from time to time are ashamed of something - this is a "universal" property inherent in all. But if in some it manifests itself in exceptional cases (at a doctor's appointment, when meeting with a person whom we sympathize with), then others suffer from it constantly. For example: a child is embarrassed to approach his peers during a street walk or is afraid to raise his hand in class, although he knows the answer. Your task is to help him overcome the discomfort of communication, because pathological shyness in the future promises many problems:

• the baby will suffer from peer criticism - too shy children are often teased and ignored;
• due to constant doubts, experiences and negative emotions, a shy child develops anxiety, neuroses, depression, etc.;
• it is difficult for a shy baby to reveal his potential in childhood and it is problematic to achieve professional and career success (difficulties begin in kindergarten);
• in the future, difficulties may arise when creating a family (shy people often remain single or enter into an unsuccessful marriage), etc.

The child does not know how to communicate with peers: reasons

You are sure that the child is not an introvert at all, he is not at all opposed to establishing communication with other people, but he does not succeed. Help him.

It is best to start developing your socialization skills with the sandbox. If some kids boldly enter into a conversation and play collective games, then others are quite sensitive to any attempts at communication. If such a reaction is observed constantly, the child requires increased attention.

• Experts are sure that uncontrollable embarrassment and shyness in children can be noticed from the age of two. At this age, the baby avoids people in any way (hiding behind his parents) and a friendly company.

Such children are distinguished by increased excitability, they rarely laugh (especially in the presence of strangers) and often take offense for no reason. At the same time, psychologists assure that until about 10 years old adults can influence the development of the personality of a little man, the main thing is to find the source of the problem and act purposefully. If you catch yourself already in adolescence, it will be very difficult to instill communication skills.

What can cause shyness and social development problems?

1. Excessive shyness and, as a result, lack of communication, develop as a defensive reaction, for example, if a child has congenital physical disabilities, because of which he feels inferior.

The behavior of the parents is of great importance. In a family with an authoritarian upbringing, children fear anger for any action. They don't know what to expect from outsiders, so they prefer to minimize external contacts, and as they grow up, they keep this habit.

2. Restriction of the child's circle of friends on the part of the parents. Some adults themselves, consciously or involuntarily, from early childhood limit the circle of acquaintances of their child, and children, growing up next to one mother, grandmother or nanny, do not acquire the skills of communicating with other people.

3. We must not forget about the problems of a neurological nature. If a child constantly has a headache, increased / constant fatigue, sleep problems, then he simply does not want to communicate with more active and healthy children. In such cases, consultation with a neurologist is required.

4. Behavioral problems. If some children are completely sincere and uncontrollably shy in front of other people, then there are those who are capricious, demonstrating their stubbornness. Moreover, temporary stubbornness over time can develop into a permanent habit and pattern of behavior. The problem with socialization also arises for self-centered children who want everyone to obey their will. In turn, egocentrism usually develops as a result of overprotectiveness on the part of loved ones.

5. Difficulties with communication skills occur in children with mental development problems. Impaired memory and attention interfere with socio-psychological adaptation in the same way as various complications of mental development.

1. 7. Delayed social development. As a child grows up, he must go through several stages - from independent play to team interaction with peers, involving the distribution of roles. Children usually reach the last stage when they are 4–6 years old. If, even at this age, the baby has not learned to play with his peers, perhaps he was delayed at some stage. The reasons why the baby does not "grow up" can be:

   • long-term illness (when the child is in the hospital for a long time);
   • worries about the birth of other children in the family (the baby suffers from insufficient attention);
   • being overly busy (this happens when parents want to raise a child prodigy: due to the fact that children do a lot, they do not have enough time for traditional children's games that allow them to master communication skills).

What if the child is uncommunicative?

As you can see, there are many reasons for a child's lack of the necessary social skills.

Help your child overcome shyness and become more sociable!

With some parents can try to cope on their own, with others, you should seek professional help (in particular, if the problem is associated with mental trauma or neurological diseases). Anyway:

• There is no need to remind the baby about his problem so that he does not develop an inferiority complex.
• Evaluate the situation in the family and make sure that all conditions for normal are created for the baby.
• Encourage your child to try to express their opinion. Encourage him to take part in household chores, show that his opinion is important.
• Unobtrusively help your shy toddler overcome shyness and make friends. Invite other children to your home and do not leave the children themselves - try to play three or five. Teach children to get to know each other and make friends.
• Take a close look to see if your child has anything that makes him stand out from the crowd of peers (a shy toddler does not need increased attention to anything). Maybe the wrong speech or dress? Eliminate the cause of rejection.
• When mastering and correcting communication skills, experts advise paying attention to special games and trainings that are developed by experienced psychologists.

In some cases, in addition to psychological methods, children may be advised to take drugs that help improve cognitive abilities and cope with increased anxiety and anxiety. For small children (from 3 years old), the doctor may prescribe Tenoten Children's for this purpose.

Good afternoon, dear readers! Psychologist Irina Ivanova with you. Today I would like to talk with you about withdrawn children, about whether such children suffer from loneliness.

My friend thinks that she has an uncommunicative child, because when she picks up Marina at school from the after school, all the children run around the playground, laugh and discuss something cheerfully, her daughter sits on the sidelines and draws or reads something. Alone, always alone ... The girl is already in the second grade, but she does not have a single girlfriend, no one ever calls, her peers do not come to visit.

Marina answers her mother's questions that she simply does not want to be friends with anyone. Parents are quietly worried, convinced that modern society is "imprisoned" on sociable and sociable, and those like their daughter are destined to remain always on the sidelines. What if the child hardly communicates with other children, how can I help him? And, in general, is there any need to help?

Why is he like that?

This behavior seems strange to parents who themselves were the "soul of the company" in childhood, participated in all circles and sports sections at once and spent every summer in a sports or health camp two shifts in a row. Here are some probable reasons why a child does not play and has little interaction with other children:

• It's not time for a role-playing game yet.

This reason is most often found in preschool children, when a child, passing from one stage of play development to another, at some stage was delayed or simply did not grow up to it. Normally, children approach role play by the age of 4-5, and before that they play individually. They communicate with their mother and father, but so far they do not need the society of their peers.

• The kid retains his usual style of family behavior.

It is possible that in his family it is customary to communicate little with each other, to lead a secluded life, and not to receive guests. In this case, he had nowhere to take an example of how one can behave in society.

• The family has an authoritarian parenting style.

Powerful and strict parents can become the reason that an introverted child does not dare to express his opinion, to express his feelings, fearing an unmotivated harsh reaction and expecting the same from everyone around him.

• Congenital, genetically determined features of the psyche.

Long-term studies have shown that the activity of some genes is inherited, and then a person is afraid of a change in familiar circumstances and avoids new impressions. It is quite possible that the parents of a shy child were themselves like that, but they have forgotten about it.

How to help an introverted child

It is possible that the baby is not bored and alone with himself. This is the case with introverted children, immersed in their inner world. Most often, these are gifted interesting personalities with a rich inner world.

Take a closer look at your child, talk with him more often - in a calm atmosphere, without pressure and coercion, such a kid communicates for a long time and with visible pleasure.

How to play with your child to teach him to communicate? Show examples of behavior and communication skills using animal toys or puppet theater characters. Act out the scenes of how the dolls came to, to the site, to the store, to the hospital.

A great trick for older children is to play the game "Guess what the conversation is about." To do this, you need to watch a television talk show with the sound off with your child and offer to guess what his characters are talking about. The goal of the game is to learn to read non-verbal (non-verbal) signals from a person's face to the interlocutor.

Help your child find positive qualities and behaviors in others. Moreover, teach him to say compliments to others, naturally deserved. Why do we judge other people so easily, but we cannot say a couple of kind words about them? Having adopted from the parents a benevolent attitude towards people, the child will often receive a positive attitude and a willingness to make contact from those around him.

Don't force your children to get to know someone you like. It is better to get to know the boy or girl you like yourself, showing an example of how this can be achieved.

Appreciate if the child has a friend, even if you do not like him at all. This is a significant achievement for uncommunicative children. Keep the situation under control, but from afar, without criticizing your friends or arranging "debriefing".

Signs of trouble in case of increased isolation:

• The appearance of tics, stuttering, urinary incontinence, obsessive movements and strange rituals;
• Loss of interest in the environment;
• Unaccustomed lethargy and loss of interest in the environment.

If there is at least one unfavorable symptom, this is a reason for contacting a neuropsychiatrist.

Photobank Lori

When Marina comes to pick up four-year-old Varya from kindergarten, she gets upset every time. All the children run around the playground, discuss something violently and laugh, and her little girl is sitting in the sandbox or in the corner of the room all alone. She looks quite happy, is always busy with something - plays, draws, adds pictures, sometimes while talking to herself. But he does not even look towards other children. "Why aren't you playing with the guys?" - Marina asks on the way home, and Varya answers: "I just don't want to." Marina remembers herself in childhood and is surprised. She adored friends and could not imagine playing, if not in company, then at least with a couple of her best friends.

Photobank Lori

So, one of the reasons for lack of communication may be a delay in social development, when the child simply does not yet feel the need to enter into contact with peers. At home, in the circle of well-known and significant people for him, such children are most often quite sociable and communicative, and they are not at all upset by the lack of friends among the children.

Family environment

Another reason may lie in the family itself. Perhaps parents live in isolation and do not like guests, communicate little with each other and prefer to sit silently in front of a computer or TV. In this case, the child will simply have nowhere to take a role model, and he will also sit with toys or cartoons. An overbearing, overly strict mother is another possible reason, especially if severity and coldness alternate with outbursts of adoration. The child, not understanding what to expect from the closest person in the next moment, intuitively tries to make less contact with the outside world, not to show his interest in other people.

Congenital shyness

I had such a nephew since childhood. He didn’t like "kissing, hugging", he wasn’t drawn to children. Now it's 22 years old, still the same. No, he has friends, and he walks in companies. But he alone feels great and often does not need society. By the way, he is a very smart guy, his memory is amazing and does everything on the fly, but not ambitious and a little lazy.

If the child is clearly hungry for communication, but cannot decide to come up first, he may be too shy and timid. There is no need to rush to accuse him and try to persuade him to “stop being afraid as a little one”. Indeed, with a high probability, these qualities are inherited by him from one of the parents.

Geneticists, who, along with the decoded genome, received almost universal keys to the secrets of human behavior, for some reason became especially interested in shyness. Thanks to several studies at Harvard University and the University of Wisconsin, it was found that shyness and timidity are due. Insufficient activity of some genes in the cells of the amygdala - and this is the center of fear in our brain, leads to the fact that a person is too afraid of new circumstances and impressions.

Professor Jerome Kagan, who observed 500 children for 17 years, found characteristic signs of shyness even in children in the womb - a significant increase in heart rate in response to external stimuli, etc. And Stephen Suomi of the National Institute of Childhood Health has studied the behavior of rhesus monkeys and has shown that some of them also have a genetic predisposition to shyness. But since most people with similar innate tendencies overcome them with age and become quite socially successful, it can be difficult to trace heredity. Ask your parents what you were like as a child - and, perhaps, your child's behavior will become much clearer to you.

The child is an introvert

It is strange that we are quite willing to give adults the opportunity to be introverts, treating them kindly and with understanding, and we approach children with a stricter standard. A child, whose inner life is more active than the outer one, who rests alone and gets tired in the company, can be completely happy and successful if he is understood and no attempts are made to forcefully “bring him into people”. History knows many examples of this. Introverts are often gifted children who are too immersed in their area of ​​interest and who do not want to spend time and energy on communication on other topics. That being said, you need to make sure that lack of communication is not related to illness, stress, depression, or fears. How to understand this? A healthy introvert child knows how and loves to communicate if the subject of conversation and the interlocutor are interesting to him, if he is not pressured and his personal space is not reduced. Yes, for conversations with such a child, you will have to choose the right moment and be very attentive to the words, but at the same time the communication will be full and calm, and at times it will be amazingly interesting.

How to help an uncommunicative child

Of course, the child, first of all, must be accepted as he is. If in childhood you played tricks with a gang of neighbour's children all day, leave this fact in your life and just remember it with pleasure. A son or daughter is living a life of their own, in which they will have many other ways to get joy. In addition, it is very important here to separate your own resentment from the fact that the child is “not like me” and educational impulses.

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My elder was respectable, he got along with people with caution, and even now he is stingy with emotions. The youngest is the charm and soul of the company. The elder was always stimulated to communicate, and the younger was restrained from excessive impulsiveness. I don't see any problem. Both are doing well both with friends and in life.

But still we have to admit that at least minimal communication skills are necessary for everyone who plans to study, work, and start a family. Therefore, even the most uncommunicative child can be done carefully and gradually. According to the British studies described above, among people with a genetic predisposition to shyness, about 80%, with the right training, become socially quite successful and achieve even greater success. But for this you need to act gradually, step by step.

1. Communicate yourself. Getting real pleasure from conversations with friends and family, from joint experiences and exchange of opinions, you demonstrate to the child all the advantages of communication and show the ways to achieve this. By encouraging the child to talk, at first you can say important things for him. For example, on the playground, instead of demanding “Go meet a boy!”, Start these acquaintances yourself: “Hello, we walk here every day, and you? What is your name?" Do not worry that your child is silent - one day, when he feels confident, he will definitely speak.

2. Talk to your child correctly- carefully and without pressure. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and desires. With kids, you can practice communication skills through games and toys. For example, a bear comes to a store (hospital, kindergarten) and engages in conversation with dolls and a bunny. Older children need to learn to conduct a dialogue, "read" the non-verbal signals of the interlocutor about when he wants to listen and when to speak. The child will be able to understand this in conversations with you, but only if you encourage his participation and. A good tip is to watch TV talk shows together with the sound muted and try to guess what the conversation is about.

3. Don't criticize his friends.... This is very, very important. Psychologists believe that just one friend is enough for a child to feel confident and satisfy his need for communication. Finding such a person is not easy for an uncommunicative child, so you risk depriving him of an important achievement. Perhaps it seems to you that this communication is "poor quality" - they giggle together silly, silently play computer games, wander the streets. But couples in love sometimes look strange from the outside, don't they? The chemistry that occurs between people is sometimes not expressed in words and it is difficult to see it from the outside.

4. Help your child navigate social media. Yes, it seems to you that this is a catch, because children instantly “fall through” into virtual communication. But for many closed and shy children, writing a message on the screen is much easier than saying it out loud, and social networks allow you to communicate with those who are physically far away, but close in interests and temperament. (By the way, if a silent child is actively chatting and sharing information on the network, it will mean that he really needs to communicate). Of course, here it is necessary, as elsewhere, to maintain a balance - for example, to agree that virtual conversations are possible only with those whom you know personally and to limit the time spent at the computer a couple of hours a day.

But do not make the mistake - do not tell everyone around what kind of beech your child is, and do not try to constantly put him in a company in which he does not want to be. Failure, fear, and too much stress can cause him to shut himself off even more from the world. It is much more effective to encourage, albeit small, successes, to invite into an adult conversation even non-topics that seem too serious to you and in every possible way to emphasize the importance of the words spoken by the child.