Institutions 

Recommendations for parents from an educational psychologist. "Recommendations for parents" How to help a child cope with emotions Recommendations for parents to get rid of negative emotional states

How to help your child improve their emotional state


Parents often complain that the child is unbalanced, whiny, timid, anxious, uncontrollable, aggressive. Of course, all these manifestations can have different reasons and require separate approaches to help. But the common thing is that through negative emotions and behavior, the child signals to adults that he is not well, that something is wrong with him, there is something that he cannot cope with, because it is too difficult for him.

There are general points that are useful to know and take into account in order to prevent emotional breakdowns and improve the emotional state of the child.

Because of what the emotional state of the child becomes negative, and what to do about it:

1. The child receives little attention "directly". Children cannot appreciate their parents' care for themselves in the form of earning money, cleaning the house, and cooking in an adult way. They feel self-love when given time and attention. At the same time, you do not need to be a lot of time with the child, you just need to devote time to him when he wants it - in the game, drawing, reading. The child will be saturated with attention and will let you go to your business.

« So include in your daily routine the time when you are not doing anything else, but fulfill the child's request, play with him the way he wants, talk, hug, kiss. These are the forms of love that most saturate the child. . »

2. Too high demands are made on the child(to behavior, everyday habits, discipline, learning, his prudence). Modern children actively demonstrate to adults that they ALREADY are a capable and talented person! And this is true, and this is important to take into account - in respect for the child. At the same time, one should not forget that even a smart, successful, sociable child (who sometimes gives the impression of a mature, wise, adult beyond his years) is still a Child who cannot think, make decisions and behave according to adult standards.

“Remember how old your child is. Check if your requirements for it are not too high, presented "beyond the years", if the child still has space for games, spontaneity, joy, movement.»

3. The child is little praised and criticized a lot. This is the main mechanism that hardens or intimidates not only a child, but also an adult, and spoils relationships. If a child does something good, but does not receive praise, then, at least, he will not know that he has done something good (and who will tell him this, if not you?), As a maximum - for his achievements, good behavior is not paid attention - that is, they devalue (((. Remember your state when you tried, and an important person for you either did not pay attention to your contribution, or, having said nothing about the good, paid attention to the shortcomings. If this is often repeated, then this is how low self-esteem, disbelief in oneself, unwillingness to do something arises.

« Celebrate with praise and gratitude, support, respect thatchilddoes well - this will develop self-esteem and activity in him. Instead of criticism that is formulated « you are not good / bad ... », it is important to calmly tell « it is better to do .... because ... ».

4. It is difficult for a child to cope with some of his tasks, which he does notready(sleeping in a separate room, staying with relatives without parents, adapting to kindergarten, classes on intellectual development, additional circles at school). Sometimes a child first copes, and then his strength is surrendered and emotions show "failure". Give yourself an answer to the question, what might be causing difficulties in your child's life? Is he ready for this? How can you soften his adaptation? Directly ask the child what worries him, what exactly is difficult for him, what he does not want to do.

« Offer him support, correct the load so that it occurs in the portions with whichchildcopes, be sure to praise him when he does it. It is important not only thatchildcoped with the task, and even then, HOW does he feel when he copes with it.»

5. Around the child, people, circumstances, rules of behavior change too often, he experiences too many events. This leads to the fact that there is a feeling of unpredictability, and for the child this is a moment of chaos. The feeling of stability, repeatability, and, accordingly, of safety and predictability disappears from him. He has to readjust too often. Sometimes this even arises as a consequence of the fact that close people have different requirements and expectations for the child: “what is possible with grandmother, it is not possible with mom”, “yesterday dad allowed it because he was in a good mood, but today he isn’t ".

“Agree on stability in the routine, rules of behavior for the child, so that“ good and bad ”,“ can and cannot ”have the same content from everyone around. Make the child's daily routine stable, talk to him about changes in plans, preparing him for this. "

6. The child reacts to the difficult period that the family or one of the adults is living. This happens when a family adapts after the birth of another child, changes in employment, place of residence, death in the family, changes in relations with relatives, any decisions that require restructuring in life. It is important to understand that such events occur outside the child's desire and often he is not ready to accept them and change in accordance with their new circumstances. At preschool age, the child is quite capable of speaking out his discomforts, it is just important to ask a question and hear the answer. It is important to help the child show a feeling for these changes, ask what worries him or annoys him (gets tired), what he needs most now. It is useful to avoid "heavy adult" conversations with a child, where there is a lot of doubt, fear or anger. But it’s worth it to share with your child the belief that everything will be fine.

“Answers to the questions about what is happening now, let us in an accessible and calming way according to age. Daily rituals (fairy tales, cartoons, games, walks). Even more often tell your child that you love him, hug him, free up time to be with him. "

7. The child reacts to your emotional state or reflects it with his behavior. The child really often outwardly reflects what is happening inside his loved ones, or what he notices in relationships around. Listen to yourself - how are you feeling? What emotions do you experience most often? How bright and calm is your inner state? What difficulties do you experience (in relationships, attitude towards yourself, towards life, in understanding what you want now)? If you admit to yourself that it is not easy for you, that inside you there are many difficult feelings that you try not to pour out on others (but still it manifests itself in small things, is transmitted in the atmosphere and the child reflects this, absorbs it), this means , what:

« Now it is worth taking time for yourself - to align your condition, life processes, get rid of stress factors, and give answers to exciting questions. Your inner peace and joy will give energy in love for the child, become the basis for his inner peace and well-being. AND child, like a mirror, will display, instead of a gloomy state, light tones of joy ».

1. Tell your son or daughter: "People should be easy with you." Don't be afraid to repeat this.

2. When you scold a child, do not use expressions: "You always", "You in general", "You are forever." Your child is generally and always good, he just did something wrong today, tell him about it.

3. Do not part with the child in a quarrel, first make up, and then go about your business.

4. Try to keep the child tied to the house, returning home, do not forget to say: "But all the same, how good it is at home."

5. Instill in your child the well-known mental health formula: "You are good, but not better than others."

6. Our conversations with children are often poor, so reading a good book with children (even with a teenager) every day will greatly enrich your spiritual communication.

7. In disputes with a child, at least sometimes give in so that it does not seem to them that they are always wrong. With this, you and children will teach to give in, to admit mistakes and defeats.

I would like to dwell on the recommendations that must be followed during the preparation stage so as not to discourage the child from learning.

Avoid over-demanding. Do not ask the child everything at once. Your requirements should correspond to the level of development of his skills and cognitive abilities. Do not forget that such important and necessary qualities as diligence, accuracy, responsibility are not formed immediately. The child is still learning to manage himself, organize his activities and really needs support, understanding and approval from adults. The task of dads and moms is to be patient and help the child.

The right to make mistakes. It is important that the child is not afraid to make mistakes. If something does not work out for him, do not scold. Otherwise, he will be afraid to make mistakes, he will believe that he can do nothing. Even an adult, when he learns something new, does not succeed all at once. If you notice a mistake, draw the child's attention to it and offer to fix it. And be sure to praise. Praise for every even tiny success.

Don't think for a child. When helping your child complete an assignment, do not interfere with everything he does. Otherwise, the child will begin to think that he is not able to cope with the task on his own. Do not think and do not decide for him, otherwise he will very quickly understand that there is no need for him to study, his parents will still help solve everything.

Don't miss the first difficulties. Pay attention to any difficulties your child has and seek professional advice as needed. If a child has health problems, be sure to seek treatment, as future workloads can significantly worsen the child's condition. If you are worried about your behavior, do not hesitate, seek help and advice from a psychologist. If your child has difficulty speaking, see a speech therapist.

Arrange holidays. Make sure to have small parties. It is not at all difficult to come up with a reason for this. Rejoice in his success. May you and your child have a good mood.

Children of choleric temperament:

· They are active, quickly get down to business and bring it to the end.

· They love massive games and competitions, often organize them themselves.

· They are active in the lesson, easily get involved in work.

· They find it difficult to perform activities that require smooth movements, a slow and calm pace.

· They show impatience, sharpness of movements, impetuosity, so he can make many mistakes, write letters unevenly, not add words, etc.

· Intemperate, quick-tempered, incapable of self-control in emotional situations.

· Touchy and angry, the states of resentment and anger can be persistent and prolonged.

· To develop in the child the ability to inhibit himself, undesirable reactions.

· It is necessary to constantly and persistently demand calm and thoughtful answers, calm and unsharp movements.

· Foster restraint in behavior and relationships with comrades and adults.

· In labor activity, bring up consistency, accuracy and order in work.

· Encourage initiative.

· Speak in an emphatically calm, quiet voice.

Activities and hobbies.

The main thing is to turn this frantic energy in the right direction. Choleric people are especially recommended to engage in mobile sports - this will give an outlet to the desire for leadership, training will teach you to control your movements, calculate strength. A choleric person needs a lot of living space, be with him more often in nature and do not forget that, left to himself, a fearless choleric person can easily get into an unpleasant adventure. Better to explore unfamiliar places with him.

To compensate for excessive haste and inattention, help him realize that quality is often much more important than speed. Your motto is less is better! To strengthen the inhibitory processes, engage with him in design, drawing, manual labor, needlework. Remember that you will have to constantly make sure that he checks his work and completes it to the end. Try not to get annoyed if he is distracted, and strongly encourage any kind of diligence and patience. Teach him to say first out loud, then silently the stages of work and follow his plan.

Communication.

It is especially important to teach him how to build relationships in a team - you can't be with him all the time. Encourage the child to analyze his behavior, sort out conflict situations with him, discuss books and films, pronounce options for correct behavior.

Self-control will be helped by an elementary counting to oneself, and breathing exercises. Show him a way to release the accumulated emotions - let him pound a sports bag, throw a pillow into the corner: anything is better than taking out anger in public.

His desire to be the first can also be used for peaceful purposes. Give him the role of explanatory, teacher, and you will have a good chance, playing on the leader's vanity, to teach him to be more patient and considerate. Just don't let it go by itself - constantly emphasize that an adult, experienced person knows how to control his emotions and take into account the interests of other people.

A choleric child loves to read about heroic deeds and adventures - admire the endurance, patience and foresight of his favorite characters, buy books where heroes win precisely due to their willpower and ability to get along with people around them. In no case do not shame him in front of everyone, do not put "Vasya the good boy" as an example, this will only cause anger.

Did you recognize your child in this description? Then be patient and try to understand that the choleric person himself would be glad to learn how to control himself - help him.

Sanguine children

· They are distinguished by great liveliness.

· They are always ready to take part in any business and often take on a lot at once.

· They can quickly cool down to the business started.

· They take an active part in games, but in the process of playing they tend to constantly change their role.

· They can easily get offended and cry, but offenses are forgotten quickly.

· Tears are quickly replaced by smiles or laughter.

· Emotional experiences are often shallow.

· Mobility often turns into a lack of proper concentration, haste, and sometimes superficiality.

· To cultivate perseverance, stable interests, a more serious attitude to any business.

· Learn to be responsible for your promises

· Make you feel the advantages of loyalty in friendship, in sympathy.

Recommendations for teachers and parents: activities and hobbies. Sanguine people also need an active lifestyle, but in sports they will not strive very much for a result. They are interested in the process itself, find him a good friendly coach and do not try to make him a professional athlete against his wishes. Parents should focus on the ability to focus on the work being done and bring it to the end. Constructors, jigsaw puzzles, handicrafts, model building and other games that require attention and thoroughness will help to develop composure and accuracy. You can be demanding with sanguine people and, of course, you should not go too far. You may well ask him to redo the work and evaluate the result yourself.

You should not support a sanguine person in his desire to change activities frequently. Help him learn more about the subject he is pursuing. Usually, it is important for such children to help step over the threshold of the next difficulties, and they will get down to work with renewed vigor. If this is not done, the child will continue to give up another hobby as soon as it requires unusual efforts from him.

It is very important to encourage the perseverance of such children, diligence and dedication and gradually raise the bar of requirements, achieving sustainability and effectiveness.

Do not let him skip classes too often, if he attends a circle, make sure that he does not forget about the "little things" in work, tell him how sloppy and unreliable his product looks if it is made without observing "unnecessary", in the opinion child, rules, patiently teach him to draw up homework or drawing. And, of course, praise him, rejoice at his success, be surprised at the results and tell how interesting it will be later, when he is even more advanced in his studies.

Communication. Talk with your child about his relationships with peers and loved ones, encourage him to think about what in his behavior can offend or delight others. Try to get him interested in doing theater classes.

Is your child just that "sun"? Then forgive him for inconstancy - this is not a vice, but a feature of temperament. Help him correct his personality and he will grow up to be reliable, stress-resistant, outgoing, and successful.

Children of phlegmatic temperament

· Feelings are poorly expressed.

· Calm and even demeanor.

· Uncommunicative, do not bother anyone, do not hurt.

· If they are called into an argument, they usually try to avoid it.

· Not prone to active and noisy games.

· They are not touchy and usually have no fun.

· Help overcome some of their laziness.

· Develop great mobility and sociability.

· Do not allow them to show indifference to activity, lethargy, inertia.

· More often make them work in the lesson.

· Encourage them to feel emotionally about what they themselves and their comrades are doing.

Activities and hobbies. Do not be afraid to trust the child, he is responsible and thorough enough to carry out the assigned task. A well-known folk saying should become your motto - you drive quieter, you will continue. True, from time to time, shake the excessively slow phlegmatic so that he does not finally fall asleep. Tell him interesting news from the world around him, develop creative thinking with drawing, music, chess. He may be interested in sports that do not require quick reactions.

Communication.It is imperative to teach him to understand the feelings and emotions of others. Analyze with him the motives of the actions of his peers, relatives or favorite characters. When discussing, try to make him speak more, not you, help him form his opinion and protect him, otherwise he will behave stereotypically, adjusting to the behavior of others and borrowing their point of view.

On the other hand, if the phlegmatic person is not shown in time that there are people with different outlooks on life, he will strive to ensure that those around him methodically observe all the rules that he has set for himself. A stubborn bore is who you run the risk of raising if you don't teach him to be tolerant. Such a "white crow" may not be upset if most of his peers do not communicate with him. Those who do not want to live like him, the phlegmatic will calmly rank as "wrong" people, and will not worry about lack of attention to their person. Therefore, other people often have more problems with a phlegmatic person than a phlegmatic person with them. Help him learn to understand and accept views other than his own.

Children with a melancholic temperament

· They behave quietly and modestly, they are often embarrassed when they are asked questions.

· It is not easy to cheer or offend them, but the resulting feeling of resentment persists for a long time.

· They do not immediately take up work or join the game, but if they take up any business, they show constancy and stability in this.

· Gentleness, tact, sensitivity and benevolence in relations with these children.

· In the classroom, ask more often, creating a calm atmosphere during the answer.

· An important role is played by approval, praise, encouragement, which helps to strengthen self-confidence.

· Developing efficiency, remember that these guys quickly get overworked.

· Develop sociability.

Activities and hobbies. The melancholic is hardly involved in collective games, but, having managed to overcome himself, he enjoys having fun with everyone. Help him get involved in the game, teach him to get acquainted, rehearse the first phrases with which he approaches unfamiliar peers. Reassure him that failure doesn't make him worse than others. Your motto in dealing with a melancholic is "People tend to be wrong."

For a melancholic, it is important to constantly receive the support of loved ones. Praise, praise and praise again, look for positive moments even in failures. For example, if something did not work out, praise him for the fact that he even decided to do this business. Switch his attention to the result of the activity, and not to the assessment. Ask to demonstrate his achievements to you, admire and rejoice for him. Emphasize that you are confident in his abilities and know that he can handle the task. Tell him about it, remind him of past successes.

Teach him to perceive the mistake as a clue to future success, calmly analyze without negative assessments what the failure was, and discuss how to proceed next time. Entrust him with things that he will surely cope with and the result of which can be appreciated by as many people as possible. If he draws, make a funny wall newspaper with him for a school holiday, plays - learn a popular song with him; ask the teacher to read his best essay in front of the class if he writes well ... This will help him gain the confidence to tackle more difficult problems.

Communication.Such children most often feel like a "black sheep" in a team and suffer from this, despite the fact that they do not feel a great need for communication. It is difficult for an insecure melancholic to enter a new class, to participate in common affairs and entertainment. Try to become for him the very close person he can confide in. Do not divulge his secrets, do not criticize too much. Philosophize with him, discuss the situations that you observed, demonstrate that you are very interested in listening to his stories about yourself, his thoughts about the world around him. Teach him to find a way out of conflict situations, to defend his opinion, but in no case put pressure on him.

If a melancholic feels comfortable in a team, he can play the role of a think tank, a kind of gray cardinal, and be respected for his invention and ingenuity.

REMINDER FOR PARENTS. DIFFICULTIES IN COMMUNICATION WITH A CHILD

Types of bad behavior. In what they are manifested. How to correct a child's behavior.

A goal that a child unknowingly pursues

Child behavior

Adult reaction

The child's response to the reaction of adults

1. Attract attention to yourself

Whines, makes noise, interferes with the conversation, disobeys, etc.

Pay attention and get annoyed

Stops for a while, then starts again

1.Ignore

2. Pay attention when he is behaving well.

3. Ask a question: "Maybe you want me to pay attention to you?"

2. Show that he has power over others

Refuses to do what they want him to do

Tries to use his power to get something done, gets angry

Is stubborn or reinforces disobedience

Avoid power struggles

3. Pay back, take revenge, take revenge

Harms or spoils things, can offend

They consider the child to be mean and evil, feel anger, resentment

Feels offended, seeks to pay back for that too

Don't show your anger and resentment

4. Demonstrate your inability and inadequacy

Unable to learn independent skills, requires help

Agree that the child is not capable of anything

Remains helpless

Check the child's abilities and capabilities, let him know that they believe in him.

TEN COMMANDMENTS TO FATHER AND MOTHER

1. Accept the child as he is.

2. Never order on a whim. No pointless orders. Not interfering with a child's life is just as dangerous as interfering incessantly.

3. Never make decisions alone. The golden rule of family life is diarchy. When father and mother contradict each other, it is an entertaining sight for a child.

4. Maintain confidence in the person who will contradict you.

5. As for gifts - no frills. We have forgotten how to refuse children. Refusal is more beneficial, because it teaches us to distinguish the necessary from the unnecessary.

6. In everything, act by example. You can only achieve what you do yourself.

7. Talk about everything without fear. Speech is gold and silence is lead.

8. Unite with your own. The family is a private republic. Everything should be done together: household crafts, washing dishes, shopping, cleaning, choosing entertainment, travel routes.

9. Keep the door open. Sooner or later, you will not keep children, adolescents, youth in the house. It's never too early to learn freedom.

Get out in due time! This commandment invariably evokes sadness. Sooner or later, parents will be left alone. There is nothing to be done, any parenting career involves this sacrifice.

HEALTHY FAMILYHAS THE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:

1. This is a family in which good, honest, open communication has been established.

2. The family has adopted rules and a certain style of behavior, flexible in application.

3. Parents and children communicate with each other with pleasure and respect.

4. Parents and children help each other.

5. Everyone takes a caring and selfless part in the creation of family well-being.

6. Parents and children listen to each other and are willing to help each other.

7. Family members not only listen, but also hear what the other is saying and take it to heart.

8. Most of the problems are solved jointly.

9. The main emphasis is on "we", not on "I".

There is no doubt that this list can be expanded significantly. But the main thing is that families that possess these qualities are characterized by stability and will function as a healthy family system. In such families, children feel safe and grow up in an atmosphere of common love.

PASSIVE CHILD

1. The approach to such a child should be gradual.

2. Help him express his emotions and experiences in a more acceptable way.

3. Find out what circumstances caused this condition in the child.

4. Encourage the child to express their feelings through play or confidential conversation.

5. To gain his trust and affection.

6. Help your child gain self-confidence. Only then will he be able to get out of the care of that adult whom he trusts, and will learn to make friends with new people himself.

7. To form cognitive motivation for learning.

8. To develop the child's independence, responsibility for their actions.

9. Praise the child for any manifestation of activity and independence.

10. Develop communication skills.

11. It is desirable that the child attended sports sections, circles, etc.

12. To visit museums, exhibitions, theaters with the child, thereby developing his cognitive activity.

TO OPTIMIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADULT CHILD PSYCHOLOGISTS RECOMMEND:

1. Change the style of attitude towards the teenager, discard the previous forms of communication, acceptable for the child, but unacceptable for the teenager.

2. Speak to your teen in a respectful tone - as if he were considered to be.

3. Be patient with outbursts and calmly explain that such behavior is not worthy of an adult boy or girl.

4. Discussions are very useful, but it is desirable that in them you do not always have the upper hand, that you are the winners. When proving this or that position, acknowledge the correctness of your son or daughter in some point, and at the same time show his inconsistency in judgments.

5. The main method of influencing adolescents - persuasion type of evidence, as well as indirect suggestion.

6. On the mistakes and mistakes of the teenager, teach to adhere to the advice of elders, to be patient.

7. Promote awareness, deepening interests, hobbies (socially acceptable).

8. Do not weaken your interest in extracurricular school activities, class activities.

9. Carefully and skillfully adjust the choice of friends. As if by chance, open your son or daughter's eyes to the positive and negative qualities of his friends, talk about the consequences of bad influences. Cultivate will and self-confidence - barriers against unwanted suggestions.

10. Evaluate not the personality of the teenager, but his actions. Speak in the language of feelings (not “you are a scoundrel”, but “your act upset me, I am worried, I feel bitterness, indignation ...”).

11. Try to ensure the unity of the requirements of all family members; unity of requirements in the family and the school.

12. Try to eliminate inconsistency in requirements (when it is expected from him that childish obedience, then adult independence.)

Remember! The style of interaction that a teenager develops with his parents is reflected in his relationships with other people.

1. Be frank with children about the circumstances that led to the formation of the family in its current composition.

2. In the event of a parent's divorce, death or departure from the family, reassure the children that this is not their fault.

3. Be sensitive to the feelings of anger, anxiety, or possibly confusion children are experiencing.

4. If possible, do not change the way of your family life.

5. Try to share responsibilities as much as possible. Do not try to compensate children for the loss of a parent by taking on a lot of responsibilities.

6. Be honest when you discuss your relationship with your spouse, but be sensitive to what and how you say so as not to offend the feelings of the children by throwing mud at the other parent. Do not instill in children the belief that your spouse will return home unless you yourself see the opportunity, because this can instill false hope in children and subsequently turn into severe disappointment.

7. Do not use your children as a bargaining chip or as a bargaining chip between you and your spouse.

8. Do not encourage gossip, do not require children to report everything that was said by the spouse when they met.

9. Reassure the children that they will be loved and cared for in the same way as before.

10. Do not allow yourself to speak out against your spouse's family.

11. Children, even very young ones, should know everything that happened. It is not recommended to lie to the rescue like: "Dad needs to go on a trip for several months."

12. If possible, let the children stay in the same place, with the same neighbors and attend the same school. This will reduce the number of radical changes that have hit children.

RULES AND STANDARDS OF BEHAVIOR

"How to love your child"

Rule one

To be able to listen to your child always and everywhere, surrendering to this listening entirely and completely, without interrupting the child at the same time, without brushing off him like an annoying fly, showing patience and tact.

Second rule

To be able to speak with your child as if you would like to be spoken to you, showing gentleness, respect, excluding edification, rudeness and rudeness.

Third rule

To punish, not humiliating, but preserving the dignity of the child, instilling hope for correction.

Rule four

You can achieve success in upbringing only when parents are an example for positive imitation every day.

The fifth rule

Admit your mistakes, ask for forgiveness for wrong actions and deeds, be fair in assessing yourself and others.

Psychological support is one of the most important factors determining the success of your child in passing the unified state exam. How to support a graduate?

There are false ways, the so-called "support traps". So, typical for parents ways of supporting a child is overprotection, creating a teenager's dependence on an adult, imposing unrealistic standards, stimulating rivalry with peers. Genuine support should be based on emphasizing the abilities, opportunities - the positive aspects of the child.

Supporting a child means believing in him. Support is based on belief in the innate ability of an individual to overcome life difficulties with the support of those whom she considers significant to herself. Adults have many opportunities to demonstrate to a child that they are satisfied with their accomplishments or efforts. Another way is to teach the teenager to cope with various tasks by creating in him the attitude: "You can do it."

To show faith in a child, a parent must have the courage and desire to do the following:

Forget about the child's past failures;

Help the child gain confidence that he will cope with this task;

Remember past successes and return to them, and not to mistakes.

There are words that support children, for example: "Knowing you, I am sure that you will do everything well", "You do it very well." It can be supported through individual words, touch, synergy, physical complicity, facial expressions.

SO, TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD, IT IS NECESSARY:

1. Build on the strengths of the child;

2. Avoid highlighting the mistakes of the child;

3. Show faith in the child, sympathy for him, confidence in his strength;

4. Create an atmosphere of friendliness and respect at home, be able and willing to demonstrate love and respect for the child;

5. Be both firm and kind, but do not act as a judge;

6. Support your child. Demonstrate that you understand his experience.

This requires two conditions.

1. Parents can and want to listen.

With sympathy, they try to tune in to the wave of the child's emotions.

Any person, including a child, desperately needs empathy in those moments when he is under the pressure of negative emotions. We need someone who can empathize without trying to judge or even analyze what is happening to us. Expressing understanding and compassion is one of the highest expressions of parental love. This ability to listen is a kind of magic button that leads to calming and pacification of the child, and, as a result, to his desire to cooperate.

2. Parents know how to experience their own negative emotions.

We cannot truly help others get rid of negative emotions if we ourselves are inclined to experience only positive emotions (according to our philosophy of life, for example). If we are overwhelmed with negative emotions and do not know how to get rid of them, then even with all the desire and understanding of the importance of listening to loved ones (husband, wife, child), we are unable to do this, and the very process of communication turns into torture. Because it is very difficult to pour garbage into a container, from which everything is already piling over the edge and the lid does not close.

The ability to voluntarily experience negative emotions is not a manifestation of some kind of masochism, as many might think. This ability makes it possible to cleanse them. In order to later become a receptacle (yes, alas, no matter how bitter it sounds) for the negative emotions of those people who are under our care. And the first in line for this are our children.

Where do the negative emotions of the child come from?

There are a thousand reasons why in this world we may not get what we want. The planet is home to 6 billion people and billions of other living beings who also have their own desires. And when our desires contradict the desires of others, we inevitably experience some of the negative emotions (resentment, anger, grief, shame).

Even just from observing some external objects, attachment to them can appear. In our minds, we begin to think of it as real and accessible. In the same way, a child, if he sees some thing that glitters, blinks or makes some sounds, then a picture is drawn in his mind about how he plays with it. But when he stretches out his hand, the reality is that it is not intended for him to play, because it is either an electronic key to his parents' car, or a mobile phone, or something dangerous, etc.

Two ways to help your child deal with negative emotions

1. The principle of "Five seconds of silence".

If the child does not get what he wants, there is no need to prevent him from going through the grief of loss. There is no need to devalue his feelings, forbid to show them, reproach, scold, persuade, give advice. read morality, appeal to a philosophical understanding of life, try to cheer or distract. The child does not need this false inspiration, it will not help him to truly calm down and get through the trouble.

Emotions are more pronounced in children. They have practically no control over them. Even adults cannot always control them. For a child, everything seems more tragic and stretched out in time (one might even say, endless) than for adults who understand the limits of the problem and cannot appreciate the strength of the child's upset. Therefore, the best support method in this case is to believe... Believe that the child has good reason to feel this way. Even if we, adults, with developed logical thinking, with the power of reason, with philosophical attitudes, they seem to be trifles.

But there is no need to unnecessarily try to “settle” everything, to give, to satisfy, since the child’s mood will become dependent on “giving” and “settling”. There won't always be situations where we can “give” or “settle”. In the end, one day we will not be near the child, and he will be in a very difficult situation.

Parents who constantly “give” and “settle” deprive the child of the opportunity to have the strength to experience negative emotions in order to optimistically look at the shadow sides of life, find new solutions, and in some cases, calmly accept them as a given of their fate. Coping with loss and failure is an essential skill for success in life. One of the secrets of success in life is the ability to cope with loss and failure.

Getting through negative emotions will help you simply a few minutes of sympathy, understanding, support. It helps to switch to this wave of sympathy. the principle of "Five seconds of silence".

So, when you see that the child is worried about something, pause for 5 seconds, and then try to say something like this:

Instead of “It's okay, it will heal before the wedding” (depreciation of feelings) - “I know it hurts. Come here, I'll take pity on you. Come to me"

Instead of “Don't cry!” (Ban) - “I understand. Are you disappointed"

Instead of “Don't worry” (advice) - “Yes, it's not easy. I know how worried you are. "

Instead of "Well, nothing, next time it will work out" - "If this happened to me, I would also be very upset."

Instead of “Nothing, everything will be all right tomorrow” (persuasion) - “I understand, it's hard for you. I would also be very sad if this happened to me. "

Instead of “You can't defeat everyone” (moral admonition) - “I understand, you are offended. I would also be very offended "

Instead of "Well what can you do - this is life!" (invoking a philosophical understanding of life) - “You are absolutely rightly angry. I would be angry too. "

Instead of "It could be worse" - "I see you are scared. I would be afraid too. "

Further, there can be two scenarios. First, the child's mood improves. Second, the child's mood deteriorates and he continues to talk about his negative emotions, which usually scares the parents. But this does not mean that the principle does not work, or you misunderstood it. Simply by your support, you opened the "tap" of the child's negative emotions and gave a vent to their flow.

That is, a kind of “starting shot” occurs: the child feels safe (there is a loving person nearby, ready to sympathize with any of his emotions), and, in order to get rid of negative emotions weighing on him, begins to show them even more. Yes, it scares the parents. But after some time, when the process is over, the child's mood still improves. This process takes place on its own, without any punishment, reproaches of being spoiled or threats of punishment, without the need to switch attention, persuade and otherwise suppress negative emotions.

R. Narushevich, from the lecture "How can they cope with their" psychos "?"

The postulate that it is not the situation itself that is important, but how we react to it, has long been widely known and does not cause objections. It turns out that 25% of people have a so-called "starting readiness" for various kinds of emotional influences, breakdowns, accumulation of negative emotions.

There is nothing surprising in the fact that we are worried before some important event: an exam, a first date, on the eve of the first day at a new job, before an interview, while waiting for an appointment with a boss, etc.

But for some people, these worries are relatively painless for the psyche, they quickly fade away, are replaced by positive moments in life: communication with friends, a funny movie, a pleasant landscape outside the window. And in others, these emotions "get stuck" for a long time, do not go away, accumulate, causing physiological changes in the body in the form of exacerbation of old diseases or the appearance of new ones. Emotions are the trail that accompanies any events in our life, and it is especially important how our psyche is able to “weed out” them, cope with negativity, leaving only pleasant experiences.

What feelings and emotions are there?

Emotions and inner feelings of a person reflect his attitude to any event or situation in life. Moreover, these two states are quite different from each other. So, emotions are a direct reaction to something. This happens “at the animal level”. As for feelings, this is a product of thinking, accumulated experience, experiences, etc.

What feelings do a person have? It is rather difficult to answer unequivocally to this question. After all, people have a lot of feelings and emotions. They give the person information about the needs, as well as feedback on what is happening. Thanks to this, people can understand what they are doing right and what they are wrong about. After realizing the feelings that have arisen, a person gives himself the right to any emotion, and thereby he begins to understand what is happening in reality.

List of basic emotions and feelings

All emotions are divided into 3 different groups.

1) Positive:

  • pleasure;
  • jubilation;
  • joy;
  • pride;
  • delight;
  • confidence;
  • confidence;
  • Delight;
  • sympathy;
  • love (or affection);
  • love (sexual attraction to a partner);
  • respect;
  • gratitude (or appreciation);
  • tenderness;
  • complacency;
  • tenderness;
  • gloat;
  • bliss;
  • feeling of satisfied revenge;
  • anticipation;
  • a sense of security.

2) Negative:

  • grief (or sorrow);
  • sadness (or sadness);
  • yearning;
  • chagrin;
  • resentment;
  • despair;
  • fear;
  • displeasure;
  • anxiety;
  • fear;
  • fright;
  • a pity;
  • regret;
  • empathy (or compassion);
  • anger;
  • annoyance;
  • indignation (or indignation);
  • feeling insulted;
  • dislike;
  • hatred;
  • anger;
  • envy;
  • despondency;
  • anger;
  • jealousy;
  • boredom;
  • uncertainty (or doubt);
  • horror;
  • shame;
  • mistrust;
  • rage;
  • confusion;
  • disgust.

3) Neutral:

  • astonishment;
  • curiosity;
  • amazement;
  • calm contemplative mood;
  • indifference.

Psychologists conventionally divide all people into two types: A and B.

To type A include people who have developed a sense of responsibility to the point of pain - everything that happens in the world around them concerns them personally.

Another feature is ambition, the desire to achieve a certain (preferably high) status that would distinguish them in the crowd. At the same time, it does not matter what they do, the key words are “to be the best”, for people of type A, the force that drives them through life can be considered a persistent desire for business or personal success.

Setting the next goal, such a person subordinates himself to it, close people and their own desires are sacrificed, only the word “must” remains. This is the type of highly efficient, always busy person who has made a habit of forgetting that there are holidays, weekends and vacations. A person of type A perceives any break in work as an annoying hindrance, not for a minute does not stop thinking about business. By and large, his psyche does not receive any relief. After all, it is well known that in order to relax, sometimes it is enough to simply switch to another type of activity. But this, just, these people do not know how.

Type A, among other things, is a tough, conflicted personality who prefers, at the slightest opposition, neither cooperation or compromise, but suppression, opposition.

A person of type A thinks little about his health, prefers to ignore ailments, “forget” about them. Go to the doctor? What do you! This man has no time to do trifles! At best, he will drink some quick-acting remedy to remove the symptom and forget, not think about the causes of the disease: it is humiliating to get sick, this is the lot of the weak. Meanwhile, the nervous system of type A does not have a sufficient margin of safety: frankly, these people have a weak nervous system. It is worth adding to this that self-control over their behavior in such a person is clearly not sufficiently developed, there are often emotional breakdowns when it seems that the person standing in front of you does not have any "skin" at all, only bare nerves, Literally everything irritates him, causes emotional flash.

Type B- these are calm, good-natured, balanced people. To establish themselves at work is not an end in itself for them: their own mood and health are more valuable. These people never stay overtime at work, do not take work home, they have clearly defined boundaries “mine - not mine”. If it’s a vacation, then a vacation in full, with a complete disconnection from the usual affairs and thoughts. From the outside, such a person may seem like a “do not care”, indifferent to everything except his own person. In fact, this is not so: type B people have well-developed defense mechanisms of the psyche, which do not allow the accumulation, "stuck" of negative emotions.

The mechanisms of psychological defense are triggered - repression (translation of negative experience into the subconscious, “forgetting”) rationalization (transition from the language of feelings to the language of logic, which makes the experience less acute), avoidance, etc.

The result is a much more stable nervous system and, accordingly, several times less risk of all kinds of diseases. In extreme situations, people of type B have much more chances to get together, orient themselves, make the right decision, without succumbing to panic attacks of emotions.

It is believed that belonging to one type or another is laid in early childhood, but these properties are not innate, that is, you can, after working hard on yourself, change your type, or at least learn to prevent prolonged "infection" with negative emotions that destroy our psyche and undermining our health.

Of course, the mechanisms of a person's emotional response are much richer and more diverse than those presented in types A and B. However, if you classify yourself, at least conditionally, as one of these types, you will be able to better track the mechanisms of your emotional reactions, the degree of their influence on your well-being. , how much you are able to control these moments.

In fact, the main indicator of how psychologically healthy we are is the ability to rejoice. In this regard, American psychologists consider the main criteria to be how a person is able to rejoice (and whether at all) every morning and every new spring. If this is inherent in you, then you are the happy owner of a strong psychological immunity to all life's adversities.

How to make friends with emotions?

Emotions are the engine of our behavior. As a rule, they are associated with a person's desire to achieve some important goal or avoid an unpleasant situation for him. Any emotional experience causes certain physiological reactions.

Of course, restraining your emotions is not easy, but you can still control them, and not only is it possible to be successful, it just needs to be learned. Doctors, firefighters, rescuers and representatives of other professions whose work is associated with constant stress are required to be able to control their emotions.

Psychologist's tips to help you master your emotions:

1. If you feel that in some situation you may lose control over your emotions, try to leave. Pause, take a break, and then, with new thoughts, try to look at the problem with different eyes.

2. Convince yourself with positive attitudes. Tell yourself that you are calm, confident in your abilities, happy. Repeat these statements as often as possible.

3. Before throwing out a sea of ​​your negative emotions on someone from your environment, write them down in your diary or on an ordinary piece of paper. Let some time pass. If subsequently your opinion does not change and you feel that you think it necessary to solve this problem this way and not otherwise, proceed.

4. Stop thinking you're perfect. Accept that you can make mistakes. Learn to listen to criticism from others. True self-confidence means that you are open to criticism and do not take offense at it.

5. The easiest way to avoid negative emotions is to distract yourself. Any action is the best cure for anxiety.

6. Ask yourself the question: "What can I do to change the situation, because of which I do not find a place for myself?" If the answer does not come to mind, it means that all that remains is to calm down and wait, because with your anxiety you will not achieve anything, it will not make it easier.

7. Find your own way to relax. For some it can be a sport, for others it can be dancing, going to a beauty salon, a sauna, a massage, or just taking a bath with aromatic oils. Anything, the main thing is that it makes you calmer and more comfortable.

8. Another common technique is known in psychology. You can physically try to deal with anxiety. To do this, you should find on the surface of our body the zones responsible for the feeling of nervousness (points on the temples and in the middle of the palms), and massage them for several minutes clockwise.

9. And finally, the best advice for all occasions is to smile or even laugh, no matter how hard it is for you. It is easier and more fun to walk through life with a smile. In addition, a cheerful person is always more beautiful than a gloomy one.

Make friends with your emotions, the way all the impressions that life gives you will be pleasant!

Sources:

  • http://shkolazhizni.ru
  • http://vatolin.info
  • http://fb.ru

OGBUZ "Center for Medical Prevention" wishes you good health and invites you to visit:

  • consultation with a neurologist;
  • consultation with an allergist;

Get more detailed information on the work of specialists,
as well as sign up, you can call: 46-85-00

The article was prepared by: teacher-psychologist - M.N. Larionova

Do you want to keep abreast of the Center's news, the schedule of lectures and trainings, learn about the publication of new interesting articles, join

"How to Help Your Child Cope with Emotions"
(recommendations for parents)

Olga A. Chernikova
KSU "Secondary School No. 10"
State Institution "Education Department
Akimat of Zhitikara region "
Each of us wants our children to grow up healthy and happy, so that they know how to enjoy the world around them and a successful day, so that they are confident in their strengths and know how to cope with difficulties, endure the blows of fate, and maintain peace of mind in the most unforeseen situations.
The manifestation of the ability to cope with difficulties begins from the first days of a child's life. But sometimes, trying to protect our child as much as possible, we cherish and protect him, prevent his desires and needs, try to make his life as easy as possible. This is how we, adults, harm his psyche, "break" his emotional sphere. A child placed in such a situation does not develop emotionally, does not know how to cope with his emotions, does not learn to deal with the difficulties of life and solve problems that arise. This affects learning outcomes, communication with peers and adults. The inability to live in harmony with oneself leads to physical disorders and various diseases. Children who are unable to overcome the fear of independent or test work become inattentive, absent-minded, make a large number of mistakes, and as a result receive a bad grade, strong fear interferes with responding to a student who knows the material well. Children who do not know how to cope with anger, aggression, as a rule, have communication problems. If a child constantly hides his emotions, drives them inside himself - this is harmful to his health.
What are emotions? Emotions are the inner experiences of a person. Emotions express a person's attitude to emerging or possible situations and are situational in nature.
The emotional states of a person include:
mood (general persistent actual emotional state of a person, which determines his general tone and activity);
affect (bright, short-term emotional experience);
feelings (higher human emotions associated with those people, events, objects that are significant for a given person);
stress (a state of strong general tension, excitement in difficult, unusual, extreme conditions).
Emotions can be positive and negative. Most of us are happy with positive emotions, we want to keep them longer. But negative ones interfere, strain, make us vulnerable (for example, anger, hatred, fear, disgust, etc.), so you want to get rid of them. How can we help our children in this? First you need to know what can cause negative emotions in a child. There are quite a few such reasons, let's highlight the main ones:
The contradiction between a strong desire and the inability to satisfy it (very clearly manifested in young children).
A conflict consisting in increased requirements for a child who is unsure of his own abilities (observed in a situation where parents make excessive demands on the child in learning, which he is clearly not capable of).
The contradictory requirements of parents and teachers.
Frequent negative emotional states of adults and a lack of control and self-regulation skills on their part. In psychology, there is such a concept as "infection", that is, the involuntary transfer of an emotional state from one person to another. Therefore, it is important to learn yourself and teach your child to cope with their emotions.
The use of orders, accusations, threats, insults instead of a confidential conversation and joint analysis of the situation that has arisen.
Emotional education is a very delicate process. The main task is not to suppress and eradicate emotions, but to teach the child to properly direct them. In my opinion, “personal example” is an important principle in the emotional upbringing of children. A child learns a lot, looking at adults (parents, teachers), seeing the adequate manifestation of their emotions by them, will certainly strive to imitate.
It is very important to teach a child to "throw out" negative emotions without harming himself and others.
There are two ways to adequately express negative emotions:
1. "Compassionate listening".
In those moments when the child is under the pressure of negative emotions, he needs compassion. The name of the method speaks for itself. It consists in listening to the child in a calm atmosphere, while neither condemning him, nor analyzing his behavior. A few minutes of silent affection and understanding is the main rule of this method. The child should feel that next to him is a person who is ready to sympathize with any of his emotions. In the process of such a monologue, "liberation" from the negative occurs, and gradually the child's mood improves.
2. "The method of solitude." Some children, experiencing strong feelings, experiences try to retire, to go somewhere where no one interferes with them. This is a way to create a secluded place to experience.
The child retires in order to:
His negative emotions did not bother those around him;
To give vent to the emotions that overwhelmed him;
In order not to provoke a reaction from the parents (or other people around him), which is sometimes humiliating and dangerous for the child himself.
The "method of solitude" should not seem like a punishment to a child, so it is important for an adult to observe the following rules:
never close the door of the room in which the child has retired;
leaving the child alone, do not say to him the words so familiar to everyone from childhood: “Think about your behavior!”. When left alone, the child should feel supported and understood;
do not force your child to talk to you if he has no desire to do so.
Having been alone with himself, the child realizes what made him behave this way (get angry, cry, scream).
But it is not only through the words and behavior of parents that a child can feel parental support. Eye contact (whether we are aware of it or not) is the primary vehicle for transmitting our love to children. The more often parents look at the child with love, the more he is saturated with this love. However, other signals can also be transmitted through eye contact. It is especially undesirable to use eye contact when parents make a suggestion to a child, punish, scold, reproach him, etc. When parents use this powerful control in a predominantly negative way, the child sees their parent in a predominantly negative way. While the child is small, fear makes him submissive and obedient, and outwardly this suits us perfectly. But the child grows up, and fear is replaced by anger, resentment, depression.
A child listens to us most attentively when we look into his eyes. Anxious, insecure children need eye contact the most. A gentle gaze can reduce anxiety levels.
It is important that, deep down, we can feel fiery love for our child, but this is not enough. It is through our behavior that the child feels our love for himself, he not only hears what we say, but also feels how we speak, and most importantly, what we do. Our actions affect a child much more strongly than words.
But do not forget that each child is different, and what is good for one person is bad for another. Someone needs to be alone in difficult moments, someone needs to be listened to. Tell your child about the existing ways of adequately manifesting their emotions, and he himself will choose the most acceptable for him. And no matter what choice the child makes, the adult's task is to understand, accept and support!