Sayings about stupid men are cool. Funny aphorisms about men

I'm mad about you.
- Not from me, but from nature.
- In respect of?

Darling, what kind of fish is swimming in our ear?
- You don't like my ear?!
- Calm down, I like the ear. I don't like the fish eating it.

Women are very difficult to understand. Once again they can watch "Titanic", where more than one hundred people go under water - this is romance for them. And a film in which only 2 hands are torn off from a person is already a horror, it’s scary to watch ...

Honey, go shopping!
- Honey, well, look at the weather - a good owner will not kick the dog out of the house!
- And you go alone, without Bobik!

Two old friends meet
- How are you?
- Fine. Married for 10 years. The wife, however, is like a chainsaw - she constantly saws and saws. What about you?
- Also normal. Married only 2 years. The wife is still nothing - like a jigsaw ...

Every girl should have a mystery. As well as a password and an admin panel with a bunch of settings.

A couple hugging each other sitting on the couch.
- What are you thinking about?
- About the same as you!
- Wonderful! Then make me one too, only with ham!

Why did you give your dog such a strange name - Goat?
- And I like to call him on the street and watch all the men turn around!

Marriage is when the desire to have a fresh shirt every day overshadows the fact that it is a little shy.

Both are to blame for the fact that my family broke up, and I believe that the blame is distributed equally: 50% - the wife, 50% - the mother-in-law.

Each other:
- And how did you feel after you broke up with her?
- As if I lost 10 rubles. It seems a pity, but somehow do not care.

The guy says to his girlfriend:
- Yesterday I met your mother.
- So how is it?
Don't worry, I still love you!

A smart woman evaluates a man by a compliment, a stupid woman evaluates herself.

Balanced, although it can be harsh, constant, serious - this is the climate. Eccentric, changeable and unpredictable - this is his wife, the weather.

Girls! I want to warn you right away: those of you who consider me evil can only count on goats.
Sincerely yours, Love.

The best 10 years of any woman's life are between the ages of 28 and 30.

A man should only say three words: love, buy, let's go!

Did he tell you about his past relationships?
- Not.
- That's a goat! And you to him?
- Not.
- Well done!

There are two main problems in Russia. The first is that there are still a lot of fools. The second - that fools are becoming less and less.

That would have eaten you.
- It would have stuck a bone in your throat.

Sheep are men who do not understand anything in female psychology, but goats are quite the opposite ...

Sometimes you lie on the couch, drink beer, watch TV! And then the call: “Did you take your son? Did you buy products? Mom is coming tomorrow, remember? Why are you silent, Seryozha? And you are not Seryozha, you are Kolya !!! And a holiday in my heart!

I lived with her for two years, everything was fine. Then these whims began: “Well, tell me what your name is! ..”

Married men live excruciatingly longer...

And I love being married. It's so great to find that special someone you want to piss off for the rest of your life.

I was late and didn't even apologize!
- Well, I'm sorry, dear.
- Fuck you with your apologies!

The child tortured me. Three years old, and he only eats, shits and screams!
- Boy? Girl?
- Boy.
- Well, then everything is fine, he will always be like that. - Svetik, sunshine, guests will come to us today, cook something for dinner!
- There is no question, but how to cook - so that they will come again or so that they will not come again?

Girl - guy:
- Do you think you can love me?
- I think yes.
- So what are you waiting for?!

It is said that many people suffer from autumn depression. But since I'm just one of those who love autumn, there can be no talk of any blues!

Therefore, I will try to keep all the "moping" in a good mood and help them quickly escape from the clutches of this "monster"!
I really hope that by visiting my site, you will smile, your mood will improve, and you will understand that life is beautiful and amazing even in autumn!

To get started, choose an autumn gift for yourself - from me or read my poems dedicated to autumn! Maybe mine will help you?

If that still doesn't help, move on to the next step!

Today I want to bring to your attention a small selection funny aphorisms about men!

Men and women… We are so different, but it is precisely this opposition, which sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, that attracts us to each other like a giant magnet, and we cannot do without each other!

After all, when the conversation turns to men, then, in principle, every woman always has something to say about this, isn't it? For example, if you ask a woman how she sees a real man, then the list of virtues that a woman would like to see in a man will sometimes be so large that it’s time to recall the aphorism:

The ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't play horse races, never argues and... doesn't exist!!!

But, perhaps, there is one, perhaps not the most important, but simply necessary from my point of view, the quality of a real man, the absence of which sometimes nullifies many of his other virtues. This is a sense of humor, which determines the ability of a man not only to make a successful and appropriate joke himself, but also to correctly respond to a woman’s sometimes inept jokes (without being offended by her and not offending her at the same time) or a vicious attack from another man, and also gives an amazing the ability to make fun of yourself!

It seems to me that it is funny aphorisms about men that very successfully emphasize the essence of a man and his nature. In addition, most of these aphorisms are invented by men themselves! Who knows a man better than the man himself?!

And now a small selection. aphorisms with humor of famous men about men:

• If many men gather together, it is most likely a war. Mel Brooks
• Every man has some virtues, you just need to point them out to him. Erich Maria Remarque
• Modesty adorns a man, but a real man does not wear jewelry. Yaroslav Gashek
• It seems to me that every husband prefers a good meal without music to music without a good meal. Immanuel Kant
• A man in love is somehow incomplete until he gets married. And then he is already a finished man. Sari Gabor
• If a man claims that he is the master of the house, then he is lying in other cases. Mark Twain
• Only by examining many women can a man understand himself. Vladislav Gzheshchik
• A man does not dream about a woman because he considers her mysterious; on the contrary: he considers her mysterious in order to justify his dreams of her. Henri de Monterland
• Every man needs three women in his life: a mother, a wife, and at least one more who considers him a man. Gabriel Laumb
• Bachelor: A man who wants a wife but is glad he doesn't have one. Henry Louis Mencken
• Other men are created only so that there are happy widows in the world. Robert Lembke
• There are men who can be deceived by any woman. Karl Kraus.

And you can’t do without the sparkling humor of Mikhail Zhvanetsky in this situation! That's who subtly and accurately notices the essence of a man and presents it in such a way that not only women enthusiastically perceive everything that is said, but men also smile mysteriously!

• A well-mannered man will not make remarks to a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
• A bachelor is a man who managed not to find a wife.
• The only difference between a man and a boy is the cost of toys.
• These days, if a man opens a door for a woman, he is most likely a doorman.
• Some men annoy with their harassment, others with ailments
• A man is like a bath leaf: first he sticks to a woman, and then he is washed off.
• Everything men do is done for women. And only idleness - for yourself.
• The man chases the woman until she catches him.
• A man likes to read the newspaper first in the morning. The very idea that he is not the first to have a detrimental effect on the psyche of any man
• If you really want to get rid of a man, try telling him: "I love you ... I want to marry you ... I want to have children with you ..."
• Men are not gender, but something whole.
• When men lack shine, they go bald.
• A man in love can grow wings, a married man can only grow horns.
• Perhaps today's men have been crushed, but how they have gained weight!
• Not a single woman has ever managed to make a complete idiot out of a man without his active help.
• If a man thinks that he changes women like gloves, he is mistaken. He just walks around!
• A real man will always let a girl in front to see how she looks from behind!
• If a man says that he loves you, it does not mean that he loves only you.

And in conclusion, women's aphorisms about men!

• A man who is completely incapable of being true is at least true to himself. Vivien Lee.
• A man, if he could understand what a woman thinks, he still would not believe. Dorothy Parker.
• A man who embodies the best qualities is a real punishment. Sophia Loren.
• Most men are proud of two things that any of them can do exactly the same: get drunk and make children. Gertrude Stein.
• A man's house may seem like a castle from the outside, from the inside it is most often a manger. Clara Booth Lewis.
• If men value beauty more than intelligence in women, it is because there are more fools in the world than blind people. Louise de Vilmorin
• Men are more often prevented from winning victories by their awkwardness than by the virtue of women. Ninon de Lanclos
• A man, having achieved the first kiss, begs for the second, demands the third, boldly makes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest. Helen Rowland
• A man's decision to marry is the last one he makes himself. Wanda Blonskaya.
• The best way to keep a man is not to let him out of your arms. May West.

That's all for today! Good mood to all! And NO blues!!!

A man should be a little sloppy: either the fly is unbuttoned, or the sleeve is in shit.

As soon as a photo of my wife appeared in the wallet, the money from it immediately disappeared.

Women have no conscience at all! The main thing is that she washes her panties with towels, and my f***ing ones with socks!

I asked Rambler "and .... where is my favorite ...... 200 porn sites gave me a window.

A real gentleman does not leave behind dirty dishes: he eats potatoes and meatballs straight from the pan, and soup from the pot.

A real man considers socks not clothes, but shoes ...

An example of purely male logic: - Would you like a drink? - No, I'm driving. - Why did you come by car? I would leave her at home. - I was in a hurry - I thought you would start drinking without me!

He: do you want me to give you everything: the sky, the stars, the moon, the whole universe ... She: ... but what, no money at all?

Kamasutra? Garbage, you should have seen in what positions I sit in front of the computer.

Why is the man in the apartment? For some reason, everyone decided: to saw, plan, to hammer nails. Insulate the apartment in the cold, and repair the dripping faucet ... And the man in the apartment is needed so that the sofa is not empty!

Women are of great benefit, even when they promise and do not come: teeth are brushed, clean-shaven and you sleep on fresh sheets!

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t swear ... oh, damn, the bull almost dropped it into a glass ...

A man is like a ball: when a woman releases him from her hands, he unravels, and when she takes him in her hands, he winds up ...

One had only to ask a man to help wash the dishes - and immediately an automatic dishwasher appeared.

Male fidelity: married for the fourth time, and the mistress is still the same.

A man and a woman lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. Thoughts of a woman: "He is silent. He does not want to talk. Surely, he has already stopped loving me, he has another. The relationship is over." Thoughts of a man: "A fly, a fly on the ceiling. How is it holding up?

I'm a man in the house, I want to control everything! But my wife does not allow:

Estimate... in Google translator from Russian to Tagalog the word LIFE is translated as Buhay. - What kind of native is he, this Tagalog

Observation: in men, the head hurts more often in the morning, and in women - in the evening.

I didn't even think about love... But you leaned over so by the way!

Nature did not like men and did not give them anything, she rewarded them with only one stick - and then, she called garbage.

If not for women, men would wear socks for more than a week.

Mom told me: "Do not lie down on the side." I didn't listen, lay down! As a result, he broke both arms, ribs, and the toilet bowl to smithereens...

It was a very strange forest... First I went looking for mushrooms, then they followed me!

The only strong feeling that a man willingly admits to a woman is the feeling of hunger.

He fell on his knees in front of me and said: "F*ck, slippery ..."

Alcohol increases sex drive. Sometimes you drink, lie on the floor - and so reluctant to get up ...

Male sign: he began to comb his hair in the morning - it's time to get a haircut.

The longest and most exciting journey begins with the words "I know a shortcut"

If a woman is a shopaholic, then her man is usually a naked ass

I want to crawl under the table like a little girl, hug my knees and cry... - Diman, what happened? The wife wrecked the car.

The magazine "Murzilka" for 83 years there is a tongue twister for children (try to read it quickly). "Ah, at the spruce, ah, at the tree, ah, at the evil wolves."

For a man to undress and not rub ... it's the same as for a woman to try on and not buy.

If you have dinner at the table in the kitchen, then you do not have the Internet

A woman is like ice cream, must be sweet and melt. And a man is like coffee: strong and not allowed to fall asleep.

There is only one step from love to hate, and it must be done proudly to the march of Mendelssohn.

When a woman washes the floor, she believes that it will become cleaner, and when a man washes, she believes that the floor will end soon.

In fact, men recognize the presence of female intuition, but call it in their own way: "Nakarkala!"

Love comes... Love goes... Love comes... Love goes... Bitch. Started to wander around.

In the field of animal protection, vodka on the hunt has done more than all Greenpeace combined.

When will they finally come up with computers that, on the voice command “f*ck!” undo all the last actions???

Drink if you die, don't drink if you die, so drink while you live!

Pants are given to guys in order to hide their thoughts.

The guy will definitely let the lady go forward if the slit on her dress is at the back.

Bachelor scrambled eggs: opened the refrigerator, scratched the eggs, closed the refrigerator.

A hundred meters for bread is far away, and a kilometer for beer is within easy reach!

What can lead to a dead end in male logic is the phrase: Honey, give me colored invisible ones!