How to build relationships with children and parents. Relationship with parents: independent life. Why? Isn't it natural

30.04.2019

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I have been married for 2 years, we live with my mother-in-law. Before the wedding, my husband and I agreed that while we would live with our mother-in-law, it would be closer to work and a place to live, and spend weekends with my parents (they have their own house, but at the time of the wedding it was not yet fully completed). My parents wanted to buy us an apartment, but due to sudden financial problems, this money went for another purpose.

But it so happened that from the very beginning my mother was jealous of my husband, she really wanted us to live with her and my father in the house. On this basis, a scandal turned out, and my husband and mother are now in a very bad relationship. Several times I tried to reconcile them, but it didn’t work. Mom constantly slanders her husband, says that he "settled down well, near my mother's skirt, which does not give me a word to say, and so on", does not come to visit us, but still wants us to live with her and dad (he still puts pressure on that we live with my mother-in-law and it is not right that I need to live with my parents ..). And I cannot move with my husband to them, because I know that sooner or later there will be another scandal. Mom is used to the fact that everyone always obeys her, believes that if she is older, then she must act exactly as she advises and nothing else. And my dad is a very gentle person, so my mother rules in the family. Now my husband and I are saving up for our housing, but we will not save up for it very soon.

At the moment I am expecting a child, and I am afraid that with his birth the situation will worsen. Parents want us to move to them when the baby appears, promise that they will help (my mother is not working now, retired).

I don’t know how to improve the relationship between my husband and mother, I just want peace of mind, but now it turns out that I live two lives, one is my husband, the other is my parents. I don't want a baby to be born in such an environment. I can't even tell my mother that we bought a crib and a stroller for the baby, because I know that there will be another attack of jealousy. I don’t know how I should be in such a situation, is there a way out of this situation for us to rent an apartment and live separately from everyone?

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello Marina!

You reason very wisely, and the answer to your question is contained in it! You write: “I don’t want a baby to be born in such an environment” - this is the main thing! Technically, this issue is to be solved by renting housing - the most correct solution! In all likelihood, you and your mother have not yet experienced the separation of your families in consciousness. Perhaps YOU were financially dependent on her. Mom considers your family to be an appendage to hers, but this is not so! Of course, in material terms and in everyday life, living together, if the living space allows, is easier, but if you want to grow up, even if you make mistakes, then separation with your parents is necessary. For the upbringing of the baby, you and your husband will first of all bear responsibility!

You write: “Mom is used to the fact that everyone always obeys her, believes that if she is older, then she must act exactly as she advises and nothing else ...” - this is her right to think so! The main thing, as you think, is also your right! Mom has the right to give advice, you, as a respectful daughter, listen to her and make a decision that is in accordance with your plans with your husband. If mom sees that your husband and family are in the first place for you (and now this is the main thing, because mom has her own family and territory), and that you firmly stand in this position, then she will have to reconsider her attitude towards your family and communicate as equals!

Probably, such a relationship is due to the fact that no one in the family ever fought back to mom, on the contrary - everyone adjusted to her! Power is one of the dragons in us that must be defeated! So, defending the independence of your family and the unborn child, you help your mother get rid of the dragon! Look like assertive behavior training. Suggest that mom, if she persists in her impositions in the future, go to a family psychologist together, because You want to bring up your baby in love and harmony! There they will explain to her that in 90 cases out of 100, families of young people are destroyed with such aggression, but 10 generally stop communicating with relatives, who do not allow them to live their lives and that she risks being among those grandmothers who, by their behavior, force the young to isolation. Learn to tell your mom with love and respect: “Mom, I love you very much and I respect your opinion! I will listen to you carefully, then I will think about your words, I will CONSULT with my husband and WE will make a decision, our decision! " Learn this phrase, practice speaking it calmly and kindly, so that in a conflict situation it would be easier to pronounce it.

Regarding the words of your mother about how well your husband settled down at his mother's skirt! Firstly, never let anyone insult your husband - this is a stone in your garden (insulting your choice in his face, they show disrespect for you). So, mom needs to say calmly and firmly in this case: “Mommy, I don't like it when a man whom I love and respect is insulted, this is unacceptable in our family with him, we will not be able to visit you and dad often if we feel disrespect for someone from our family! " Always emphasize that you have your own family, in which you have the right to establish your own rules and you have your own way of life. Relations will improve as soon as you can resolve your internal conflict in relation to your mother (you respect and love her, but you are not satisfied with her authoritarian behavior) Previously, you could not protect yourself from this hidden aggression as a child, but now you are an adult and already a mother, just have to protect your baby and family from this! " Good luck to your family Marina!

The psychology of relationships between parents and adult children is a good example, which can be used to track all the disadvantages of relationships in general.

Trainings, videos, books never tire of talking about the fact that any relationship should be built on three pillars: love, communication and common interests - and only then there will be complete mutual understanding. But! Human nature is so arranged that very often he does the opposite, thereby creating difficulties for himself and others. A common joke: "We are not looking for easy ways!" But in every joke there is some truth ... and in this expression - especially!

It turns out that it is rather difficult for a person to choose what is good for himself. Paradox? Not at all. After all, he put a lot of strength, attention and energy into his suffering. And what now - just take it and just part with them? .. The same approach in the psychology of the relationship between parents and adult children. Like “happiness in children”, “we want only good things for our children,” but in reality - a lack of understanding of each other, almost daily conflicts and scandals. To improve relations with children, parents are persistently looking for psychologists for them ... forgetting about themselves. The reason is not only in the child. In a relationship, responsibility is always borne by both parties - always! If you are offended at someone, it means that you simply do not want to take on your share of responsibility, and shift it onto others. That's the whole point of resentment!

Types of relationship with a child

The psychology of relations between parents and adult children can take different forms, alas, very far from love:

excessive care, dictated by the fear of losing the child and avoiding any troubles with his health. Custody often gives rise to a child victim or a rebel,
total control over children and dictate their will to them. Here the explanation can be several options: dramatization by the parents of the behavior of their father or mother; the same fear for the child's life; or someone wants to play overseer or boss with their children,
complete indifference to children. This variant of the psychology of relations between parents and adult children is also possible. What is the reason? A powerful physical or psychological trauma associated with the birth of a child (for example, a difficult birth, when a woman almost died and her husband was forced to choose between the life of a wife and a child). Or, long before the wedding, the parent had a life of his own that was not sugar - serious illnesses, loss of loved ones, debts, which is why a person at some point seems to be fenced off from what is happening, and even the birth of his own children can pass in a fog for him. I had a client who, at the age of 40, remembered that he already had two children,
hatred and irritation towards the child. Carefully hidden by the parent or, conversely, open aggression. As a result, reserved children who from the first years live in an atmosphere of evil and danger. Yes, they will smile at you, greet you affably, but any heart-to-heart question immediately evokes a defensive reaction in them,
suppression of the child, constant insults, humiliation and devaluation of his abilities.
to grow a copy of a child - the parent is trying to realize his own unfulfilled dreams in the child! This psychology of relations between parents and adult children is quite common. Who do we get after years? A disgruntled adult who cannot find his place in life.

Of course, these are not all options for relationships with a child. Why is there no love among the above? .. Yes, because it is easier to copy, impose oneself, show negative, than to build normal relationships day after day. In addition, we are talking about adult children. And here there are some peculiarities.

Children are the same adults, only temporarily in a small body. Read this sentence several times ... and think about it. Each child has his own inner "I", dreams, addictions, rules and goals, with which he came - and all this is already inherent in him from the first year of life! But the qualities of children do not appear immediately: due to low awareness - once, and secondly, no one asks him about it. The usual psychology of relations between parents and adult children boils down to the fact that he must obey adults. Who then, looking at their teenager, are amazed "how did he grow up like that ?!" and "we didn't teach him that!"

Who are adult children?

this is the period between childhood and adulthood, over the age of 12. Although sometimes, due to circumstances or their own judgments, the child grows up much earlier. By the way, the craving for adulthood pushes children into rash "heroism." What does this mean? That he is uncomfortable in childhood, where there are more troubles than joys,
adult children persistently create their own "image": personality, winner, leader, sex symbol, the best among their own. In the psychology of relationships with adult children, this feature must be remembered first of all. Often times, you will communicate in a beautiful manner. When in an acute situation such an image suddenly flies, and the child's real "I" is exposed, the parents do not recognize him! ..
striving for independence. During this period, the child will defend his territory (room), hobbies, friends, appearance - the connecting thread between parents and children becomes thinner, it is more difficult to establish communication,
they are looking for their philosophy: what they want to devote themselves to. Be it music, computer games, parties of informals, fashion trends. It is better for parents to take part in such a search, not to forbid, but to share the interests of their children.

How to build relationships with older children?

find common points: habits, hobbies, activities, dreams. If there are none, do them yourself: find out what your child likes to do and arrange it so that it becomes common: walks, hikes, movies, fashion, ice skating, love of animals, drawing, whatever. I do not urge you to go with him to a rock concert of his favorite band (although it is possible), but to find out what kind of group it is, to find information about it on the Internet - yes. To talk with your child in one language, at least in something small,
chat more and more. About anything. The normal psychology of the relationship between parents and adult children is communication! Do not preach or set conditions, but talk. If this is not the case in your family, the child will continue to close at first. But if he feels that it is safe to communicate with you and without consequences (punishments, prohibitions) - it will work,
and third. Parent, you will not notice how the relationship with an adult child will in itself become warmer - thanks (!) To common interests, communication and your desire to continue to be a friend to the child, and not a stranger.

If you try to do at least one of the above, then a MUTUAL understanding will arise between you and your child. Not only will you understand your daughter or son, but children will understand you!

And further. If something in the psychology of relations between parents and adult children is still not clear to you, do a simple thing: put yourself in the shoes of your own child. Close your eyes and feel like your daughter or son. And listen to the feelings and thoughts that come to you. I think you will learn a lot ...

As a result. The psychology of the relationship between parents and adult children is a school. In which you need to read the necessary books, get lessons and draw the right conclusions from them, and not act thoughtlessly, guided by emotions and your own ambitions. Therefore, I propose to study together: in the comments to this article and discussions. :)

maybe you recognize yourself in some parental pair. :)

Relationships with parents are one of those subtle bonds, the nature of which has a huge impact on each of us. The dynamics of these relationships tend to change significantly throughout our lives. Of course, ideally, it is assumed that parents grow up with their children, and their relationship sooner or later goes beyond the originally designated roles of caregiver and child. Despite the fact that some admit that parental ties are burdensome, tied hand and foot and make them feel insecure, it is still parents who become emotional support and support for us over time.

Some people prefer Mom and Dad to stay out of their lives. Others, for whatever reason, feel better when their parents occupy a certain place in their lives, but still live at some distance. However, many of us still believe that a good relationship with our parents is something really worth working on. And the older we get, the more opportunities we have to look at these relationships in a new way - to start communicating with mom and dad not from the perspective of a child, but an adult equal to them. Here are some ideas to help you connect with your parents.

Treat your parents with respect

In the article you will learn:

The relationship between adult children and parents

Hi guys.
Today we will talk about the importance of the relationship between adult children and parents. Have you ever wondered at what point children become adults? Personally, it always seemed to me that this should happen immediately after graduation from school or institute, but in reality a person becomes such when he moves to live separately or begins to be completely responsible for his actions.

It is then that grown-up children and parents face serious problems, the relationship of which can become a little strained or completely stop.

Why does everything happen this way? Are all people doomed to endless quarrels with their children when they become adults? Of course, this is not always the case. Interestingly, each person makes their own choice in how to solve such problems. Some people choose to ignore the situation and pretend that the psychological problem does not exist. Others live in constant quarrels that make mothers, fathers and children alike unhappy.

Watch at least one episode of the program "Honey, we are killing children." Families with terrible relationships. I sincerely hope that things are not so bad in most families.

It is wrong to put up with a problematic relationship, because you can settle the issue before it is too late. Parents, in any case, are the closest and dearest people to us, and time, as you know, does not spare anyone.

What today seems to be an irreconcilable disagreement will then become empty and completely unimportant. Should you miss the chance to get closer to your loved one?

If you agree that the relationship between parents and adult children should be filled with love and mutual understanding, we will try to understand the main reasons for the generation gap.

What do parents suffer from?

"We hoped that you would do as we want!"

If your mother dreamed that you would become a doctor, and instead you chose the profession of an economist or lawyer, this may well cause many controversies. It is good to follow in the footsteps of parents or implement what they always wanted, but only if you yourself really want it.

Parents need to understand that their lifestyle will not necessarily be yours. There is nothing judgmental about this. However, mom and dad need to explain that this or that decision was not made in spite of them. Never forget that your life is yours and yours alone.

"We dreamed of being proud of you!"

Children will always be a source of pride for their parents, but sometimes they don't show it quite right. Sometimes it is stereotypes destroy harmony in relationship. The fact is that each person has his own understanding of right and wrong actions, as well as standards of behavior. Bragging about the achievements of their children is more common for mothers, but fathers also arrange small competitions between themselves. You don't have to be an Olympic champion or billionaire to please your parents. Sometimes it is enough just to call in time, collect a bouquet of wildflowers or prepare a delicious dinner..

"We were hoping that you would appreciate us more!"

It is unlikely that young and promising people, who still have a whole life ahead of them, have to think about how their parents feel. From an early age, mom and dad give everything they have to keep the baby happy. When a child appears in the family, the rest of the world fades into the background. At one time, you became the meaning of your parents' life, so in return they expect at least care. Can you blame them for this?

Call them
To pay attention
Send a postcard
Give a gift

Show that you value them. After all, they have put so much love and care in you. The least you can do is show them that you still love them and grateful to them... Often times, recognizing how important the other person is to you can help resolve many conflicts. If you are thinking about what gift to give, I have a hint for a mom-daughter relationship. Many will like these parent-child relationship pendants... Any mother or daughter will be pleased to receive such a sign of attention.

The role of parents in the life of adult children is no longer so noticeable, therefore they lack attention and love. Each person, sooner or later, flies out of his father's nest and forgets about his parents. Of course, you need to arrange your personal life and career, but the older generation just needs your participation.

Spend family holidays together, do not forget to call for no reason and just find out how you are doing. When there are difficult moments in life, all of us, first of all, remember our parents. However, they need us constantly.

What do grown children suffer from?

“I don’t have time for my parents, I need to work and build my personal life!”

When you live together, it is mom and dad who take care of you, help you in everything and annoy you with their care. Getting used to it, you are everything take it for granted and this is a terrible mistake. What we have, we do not store, as they say. Only after starting an independent life will you be able to understand how much love and care your parents put into each of your meetings. Who else will love you also sincerely and unselfishly? In fact, it is not at all difficult to devote time to loved ones, you just need to want it.

"You constantly climb where you don't need to!"

Such mistakes very often cause serious problems and disagreements with the child. The thing is that they are extremely it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you're growing up. It's no secret that for mom and dad you will always be a child. If their excessive interest in your work or personal life is causing a lot of trouble and trouble, the problem needs to be addressed. To explode for any reason and make scandals so childish, to be honest. Surprise your family try to talk about it calmly and explain your point of view without outbursts of emotion. Yes, they can be incorrigible, but at least try!

"I want to be myself, not who you imagine me to be!"

Many parents constantly want to remake their child for themselves. In a family of successful lawyers, it is quite difficult to be a dancer or an artist. That is why, under the constant pressure of reproaches and discontent from the older generation, children feel extremely uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to open up! By hiding your true nature from your parents, you show your fears and insecurities. This is what gives them the power to control your consciousness. The psychology of family relationships will never be easy. Be yourself, because it will help you become a happy person. Loving parents will see their child's shining eyes and will never stand in your way again.

What can you do to improve the relationship between parents and children?

First of all, children need to be patient and understanding, because parents always rely on their rich life experience. It is very difficult to convince them. However, you need to be persistent and firm in your decisions. Perhaps all their harm was aimed at to cultivate a strong personality in you.

Remains very serious the problem of showing feelings towards parents... Children think that it is no longer necessary to talk about their love for mom and dad, that this is a self-evident fact. In fact, this can and should be talked about. Fathers and mothers need to respect their children and their choices. You don't want to lose your dearest people, do you?

Therefore, as soon as you finish reading this article, call or email your children or parents and tell them how much you love them. There is no need to wait for a special moment. It is in your power to make this moment special for them. This is how you can establish relationships between adult children and parents.

Mom, dad, my future children, I love you!

With love (and what else?),
June

In our relationships with friends, acquaintances and work colleagues, we often allow ourselves to be extremely impulsive. And if we don't like something, we can just turn around and leave. The relationship between children and parents has one very important feature - no matter how difficult they are for us, we cannot break them. Up to a certain age, we depend on adults financially, and when we start earning our own money and no longer need financial support from our parents, we realize that we just really need their love, and we are terrified of losing them. So it turns out that parent-child relationships greatly affect our lives.

We try so hard to bring up our children smart and kind, doing everything in our power for them. We make concessions, apologize first and try to give them whatever they want. And we have a cooler attitude to relations with parents, reacting angrily to their comments, not giving up the importance of their care and desire to help. We easily forgive strangers for those qualities that we literally cannot stand in our parents. And the whole point is that we are more sensitive to their assessments and, no matter what they say, we always really need their approval.

The relationship between teenagers and parents is a bit like military action. Growing up children are fighting for their independence and autonomy, trying to reduce parental control. Teenagers are doing their best to get rid of the guardianship of adults, as well as to weaken the rules and procedures established by them. only aggravates the situation. But in this case, the cause of the conflicts is clear and the situation in the family calms down at the moment when the teenager's hormones stop seething.

And what to do if the personal relationship between parents and children still does not improve. Indeed, at an older age, there may be a feeling that the conflict with parents cannot be stopped, and now it will last forever. We begin to complain about Mom’s awful temper and father’s grumpiness. And valuable advice from parents is increasingly taking the form of threats and lamentations. They even sometimes try to manipulate, playing on our reverent attitude towards them. But love for our parents cannot be destroyed, and we call Mom back over and over again to apologize for being rude. And again we stop by to visit her ... And again we listen to a lecture on how to live correctly, and at the same time a lot of reproaches that we do not live up to the hopes placed on us. What should everyone do with this? And how can this be changed?

How to build relationships with your parents

How to improve relationships with parents? Do not be nervous and angry, because you still understand that parents' concern is a manifestation of their love and care. Even if it is expressed not in the most pleasant form, mom and dad want their advice to be heard and go to your benefit. As they grow old, they realize that they are not eternal. Therefore, they really want you to improve your life as quickly as possible. And their ideas about life are noticeably outdated. And do not expect your parents to change, as at an older age it is difficult to rebuild in a new way. But when children openly ignore their advice, it makes them feel unnecessary and of little importance. As a result, everyone suffers - children from the obsessive presence of parents in their personal lives, and parents from a lack of attention and respect. Stopping this carousel is not difficult at all. After all, by and large, all we expect from each other is love, acceptance and support.

In the search for mutual understanding between generations, the first step is easier for the young. Parents, due to their age and stubbornness, often remain adamant. And it is often easier to simply change your attitude to what is happening than to try to re-educate the "difficult adults." First of all, try to accept your parents as they are. They are unlikely to change, so stop dramatizing the situation and accept the fact that their advice is not in the best possible way. Unfortunately, they do not know other methods. Therefore, when listening to your parents, try to ignore everything unnecessary. If there is too much of it, and moralizing takes up the whole of my mother's monologue, do not listen to her at all. Leave for yourself only the pleasant feeling that your mother cares about you and still sees you as her little child.

When meeting with parents, try not to bring up "sore" topics, and only discuss good news. Ask your parents more about their affairs. Take an interest in their health, talk about their hobbies, etc. Mom and Dad will feel your concern, and this will give them a sense of value and importance to you. If you are not interested in their life, they will begin to creep into yours. And all this is just to show your importance.

Ask Mom and Dad more often about their past. Ask them to talk about their relationship with their parents, their career choices, and how they met. This will help them put themselves in your place, and you will allow you to better understand their thoughts and actions. Be patient, and in no case behave arrogantly and arrogantly. If your parents raised and taught you, this is already quite enough to expect a grateful attitude from you. And their character, which could have deteriorated a little in life, does not at all make them wrong parents or bad people. Remember this and take care of them.

Relationship with mom

Despite the fact that mother for each of us is the closest and dearest person, relations with her are often very tense. After all, mothers are, first of all, women, and female character is a complicated thing. And if the relationship between mother and son is somehow kept on the male calmness and patience of the young man, then the relationship between mother and daughter is a volcano of passions. It so happens that a mother annoys her daughter so much that her every word causes a storm of indignation. And the thing is that two sensual personalities cannot always find a common language.

Often the cause of conflicts between mothers and children is jealousy. At first, mothers are offended when grown-up children run away for a walk with friends, while the keepers of the home have to wash, clean and cook. Then mothers feel sad to watch how their adult children build their families, and sometimes they do it much better than themselves. Next comes the problem of lining up or son-in-law and the struggle to raise grandchildren. And all this falls on the fragile female shoulders. Therefore, mothers are often emotional, often offending their children with this. And children, in turn, are quite selfish, blaming their parents for all their problems. It is difficult to understand who is right and who is to blame.

Even if your parents have many flaws, you won't have others. And when entering into conflicts with them, remember that you offend the people closest to you and who love you. Parents always want the best and are ready to do everything in their power for you. Be grateful to them for their sincere concern and genuine excitement. One day you will miss it so much.