On a new planet: why it is important to prepare a child for life in a foster family. The adopted child in the family: what you need to know

16.08.2019

Maria Soboleva

Foster children in the family. What do parents need to know?

Everyone who decides to take a child into the family has many questions and concerns. Foster children - how much more difficult is it to raise them? How will they adapt to the new conditions, how much does it depend on age, is it possible to take children with health problems?

Foster children - age characteristics of adaptation

From birth to one year

Of course, the best option for everyone is when adopted children appear in the family as babies.

Parents get the opportunity to start the formation of a child's personality from scratch. They will be able to observe all the main moments of the development of the crumbs - physical and intellectual.

Young children do not remember the negative of their unhappy past; they will accept their parents much easier.

But the mother will have to fully devote herself to the baby, be prepared for sleepless nights, anxiety for the health of the baby, worries about whether you are doing everything right.

Some babies cry very often, others are too apathetic.

Most babies are afraid of hugging, stroking, they have poor facial expressions and generally inhibited sensory development - babies are not used to being picked up and kissed.

But all these symptoms disappear rather quickly when young adopted children receive enough warmth and affection from their new parents.

From one to three years

Foster children of this age already have experience in child care, often negative.

They did not have close contact with their mother, emotions are suppressed, and the feeling of their uselessness is already present.

But such adopted children are still quite susceptible to external influences. Patience, constant care of parents, their affection and warmth can warm little hearts.

At this age, it is easier to objectively assess the health of children, to timely identify any possible pathologies in their development.

Upbringing will require a lot of effort from mom and dad - it is important to pay special attention to the development of speech, acquaintance with the world around, the formation of elementary everyday skills - holding a spoon, asking for a pot, washing pens.

Parents may be concerned about the lag in the physical and mental development of their children. But in the absence of serious pathologies, adopted children catch up on the level of development of their peers.

Vanya was taken into the family as a one and a half year old baby, he practically did not know how to walk. In terms of development, he resembled a nine-month-old baby.

But after a couple of months, the boy's progress was obvious.

Close physical and emotional contact, proper nutrition, daily games and communication with parents helped the child to catch up with his peers in development by the age of two.

Three to five years

Children after three years are already much more independent than babies, they have self-service skills. They have formed the main character traits, show their inclinations, interests, abilities.

Parents can pick up a child who is close to them in temperament and psychological disposition - someone is closer to "lively" and fidgets, and someone wants calm, balanced children to grow up in the family.

Foster children may well attend kindergarten, parents get the opportunity to work.

Adaptation and upbringing are complicated by the fact that children remember well different episodes of their lives, relatives and parents (if they were not abandoned by babies).

Children have bad habits, behavioral skills that can be annoying and require adjustment.

Four-year-old Dasha constantly chewed her nails. At the beginning of the child's stay in the family, until the stress from the changes in life passed, they did not try to wean the girl from this.

Then Dasha's attention was switched at the right moment, distracted by an interesting activity, a conversation.

Nobody told any horror stories (about worms and microbes in the stomach). It's just that my mother often did a manicure with a child, invited her daughter to play in a beauty salon.

The girl lost the habit of biting her nails, but it took a lot - more than a year.

Overcoming mental retardation is already more difficult, it will take constant efforts of parents, possibly the help of specialists.

If adopted children previously lived in a dysfunctional family, they usually have chronic diseases.

From five to seven years

By this age, the child knows a lot and is able to. He is independent, but the desire to get into the family, to have a mom and dad is very strong and conscious.

Such foster children quickly find contact with their parents, they are in dire need of care and appreciate the attention of adults.

But children, having traumatic memories of the psyche, hardly overcome distrust of the world around them, sometimes they can show aggression.

They noticeably lag behind their peers in erudition, communication skills, social skills. Children will have to make up for a lot, they need to be actively prepared for school, to improve their health.

Over seven years old

Children of this age are less willing to take foster parents, not everyone is ready to accept an already formed personality into the family.

Parents will have to overcome a lot - it may not be possible to fall in love with the child right away, he will cause irritation, anger, sometimes a feeling of powerlessness to change something.

But foster children over seven years old are ready to appreciate the efforts of adults to replace their biological parents. In response to affection, they will eventually answer with love.

What worries parents?

Lack of initiative. By the age of three, adopted children adapted to the environment in which they had to live. In children's institutions, they were not required to be active, to stand out from the group of peers.

Do not be alarmed if the child appears indifferent and passive at first.

Children just have to get used to the new environment, to their parents, to feel safe. And then they will show interest in the world.

Inability to communicate. Foster children do not know how to communicate openly, they do not look in the eyes when they are spoken to.

Be patient and gently, but constantly and calmly addressing the child, look into his face - first at a certain distance, gradually reducing the distance.

Often parents are alarmed by some kind of forced smile of the baby and indifference to what you are trying to captivate him.

Only when foster children trust you will they begin to show their preferences and express their own opinions.

Power problems. Foster children are often very gluttonous at the beginning of their stay in the family. And not because they were malnourished in children's institutions.

They listen to adults - you offer to eat, they do so. Adjust the amount of food yourself, otherwise the children will overeat.

The children did not see homemade food, they are interested in trying everything. They can also eat while the food is in front of them. So to speak, for future use.

In the orphanage, there was hardly an opportunity at any moment to come up and take a cookie or an apple from a vase.

There are also the opposite situations - children refuse to eat. This happens due to stress.

Don't insist that the child eat everything. Offer a small piece of a portion, and try to feed a delicious breakfast by decorating the dish in an original way.

Difficult adaptation ... Foster children go through the habituation period in different ways: obedience is replaced by whims and aggression.

Someone's rebellion manifests itself immediately, someone looks obedient in the first month, and then begins to test the new parents for strength.

Calm, it would seem, five-year-old Artyom quickly got used to the new family. But a month later, the child seemed to be replaced - he broke the purchased toys, refused to fall asleep alone.

It was a kind of test of my parents - you loved me good, and I can also be bad. The boy was not scolded, but explained - we are very offended by your behavior.

If you do not need toys, we will give them to other children. Before going to bed, mom or dad will definitely sit with you, read a book together, and then you will fall asleep sweetly.

Calmly, without raising the tone, but persistently, you need to bend your line, explain to the child what you do not like in his behavior, prohibit some things. Proper upbringing does not allow permissiveness.

The secret of adoption

Foster children should know the truth about their appearance in the family. Otherwise, having learned about this from strangers, the child will receive deep psychological trauma.

Unfortunately, the risk of disclosing a family secret is always great.

The main thing is to present information correctly, children are able to perceive it normally, as they have a flexible psyche.

Experts believe that the best moment is the age when a child begins to be interested - where do children come from? This usually happens to children over three years old.

The main thought should be the statement - we have been looking for you for a very long time and are happy with our good choice.

Foster children with health problems

Children with poor health also have the right to live in a family with loving mom and dad.

There are many cases where the care and patience of parents worked wonders, foster children who are being looked after get better faster. Even a developmental delay is quite surmountable in a full-fledged family.

But about children with serious mental disabilities, not everything is so simple. Firstly, only a few, truly merciful and selfless people, can decide to raise such a child.

And secondly, these children require a special approach and treatment that parents who are not specialists are unlikely to provide.

The upbringing of adopted children is a noble and so necessary thing. Thousands of babies have been waiting for their mothers and fathers for years. And not everyone manages to find them.

To everyone who was not afraid of difficulties and decided to become parents to a disadvantaged child, I would like to wish not only strength and endurance.

Let the adopted children become your family, and mutual love for each other warms you with warmth.

Take it for yourself, tell your friends!

Foster family concept

A foster family is an option for the family placement of an orphan or a child whose parents were. For its formation, the territorial department of guardianship creates an act and an agreement.

The status of a foster family is regulated by articles of the Family Code of the Russian Federation 152-155 (), and is accompanied.

Formation of a foster family

Article 152 of the RF IC is strictly prescribed by the rules according to which the care program is implemented. A foster family is formed on the basis of agreement. This agreement is signed by the parent-guardians and representatives of the child (guardianship authorities).

The contract specifies:

Responsibilities of the parents. Namely, to bring up a child, to organize high-quality living conditions for him. Exercise leisure, respect, help the child adapt to life outside the orphanage.
Duties of the guardianship authorities. The state department is called upon to control the upbringing and maintenance of the child transferred under the foster program. In this regard, the foster family has the right to payments in 2017: lump sum - 16 350.33 rubles(for each child), monthly payments (40% of the average salary of a parent for the last year), monthly remuneration to parents for each child under 10 years of age - 7 857.64 rubles over 10 years of age 8 756 rubles... The guardianship authorities also undertake to provide other social support to the family (the list of benefits is set individually, depending on the capabilities of the region).
Complete information about the child, his natural parents.
Contract time.

Termination of a guardianship agreement is a rare legal practice. But these situations do happen. By law, such cases are regulated by article 153 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

So, contract about a foster family is torn apart if:

Expired.
Foster parents no longer want or cannot take care of the child - health problems, material security.
The guardianship authorities reconsidered their decision and refused to provide custody to the parents. This happens if unfavorable conditions for the child's living are noticed in the family.
One of the parties who signed the agreement violated its terms.

Important: if the foster family is ready to take care of a frequently ill child, with developmental disabilities or a disabled child, then the future place of residence should meet the vital needs of the foster child.

Guardianship always follows the sole interest of the child. Therefore, if the child has already reached the age of 10, no contract will be signed without his consent. The interests of the younger children are represented by the guardianship authorities.

The procedure for the formation of a foster family

We will describe in stages how to take a child from an orphanage or a baby house and create a foster family:

Transfer of the obligatory list of documents to the territorial guardianship authority.
Within 3 days, employees of the department will check the submitted documents, enter the information into the database, and inspect the living conditions of the applicants.
It takes about 10 days from the date of submission of documents to await a decision on the appointment or non-appointment of the applicant as a foster parent.
If the issue is resolved positively, the parents are referred to orphanages to get to know the child and his personal business. If necessary, the child can undergo additional medical diagnostics.
In case of a positive outcome, the parents write a statement about their intentions to take the child into the family.
Preparation of an act on the transfer of a child to a new family.
Signing a contract.
Accrual of social benefits.

To start the procedure for registering a foster family, you need to contact the Guardianship and Guardianship Directorate of your place of residence.

List of documents

help from the place robots of future parents. It should indicate the position, average salary, give a characteristic;
certificate of family composition;
documents for an apartment or house (owned by parents);
police certificate confirming the absence of a criminal record;
health certificate;
autobiography;
written consent of all family members of the applicant.

Conclusion

Let's define the main points of the article:

Adoptive parents- persons who are ready to help an orphan child or a child whose parents are deprived of parental rights in upbringing.
When accepting a child into a family, parents should understand that he will keep the connection with his relatives and his last name.
The process of registering a foster family is complicated, but the requirements for parents are more loyal, in contrast to the adoption procedure.
Children who have ended up in a foster family and parents who have taken upon themselves their upbringing are entitled to material assistance from the state in the form of benefits.
Before starting the registration procedure, the family should assess their capabilities and not be guided only by material benefits. Foster parents should become his helpers in life, a role model.

Most Popular Question and Answer by Foster Homes

Question: My husband and I are foster parents for an abandoned child from the hospital. What are the benefits of foster families by law? Alina.

Answer: Alina, since the child is placed in a family from a maternity hospital and is abandoned, the number of benefits is much wider than with ordinary adoption. First, all food (up to two years) and medicines (up to three years) are paid for by the state. With a court order, you are entitled to a lump sum payment as well as a monthly child support.

At the same time, the child retains all rights: he receives housing (the right to housing for biological parents or new, from the state), studies for free in the same way as orphans. A mother who does not work, but is raising a child, these years are included in the retirement experience.

The children themselves receive a large number of one-time benefits at various stages of life: when applying for a job, when changing educational institution. All kinds of content are also saved.

Today, foster parents receive 40% of your weighted average earnings for the year, but not less 3 minimum wages set for the region.

The problems of foster families need to be known before you decide to adopt or take custody of a child. In Russia, about 100,000 children of different ages are left without parents every year. An orphanage, even with the most wonderful living conditions and professional educators, cannot give children the love and care that it received in the family. Therefore, graduates of these institutions are more likely to take the path of delinquency, it is more difficult for them to start a family, to raise their children. A foster family is a good way out for orphaned children. But why aren't adoptive families getting the proper distribution?

Problems of foster families

First of all, material problems interfere. Despite all the benefits, allowances and salaries of parents, it is obvious that these funds can only be a stretch to provide normal living conditions for a foster family. So that the child does not look like an outcast in the company of peers, in addition to food, clothing and free travel, he needs a phone, a computer, the opportunity to go with friends to the cinema or to a cafe, etc. It is good if foster parents find businessmen who want to help the disadvantaged for the needs of their children, but these measures are temporary.

Many foster families receive help from charitable foundations, local authorities interested in their development and distribution in the region.

The second problem is housing. An ordinary apartment can comfortably accommodate 2-3 children, but if the parents feel that they could take 5 children into their upbringing?

In some regions, a foster family with many children receives a large house at its disposal, or the local administration helps them in every way, allocating a plot for construction and providing funds or building materials. Unfortunately, it often happens the other way around, since not every region has a budget from which it is painless to allocate the necessary money, there is no housing fund from which an apartment could be allocated for free, and many officials are more than cool about requests from adoptive parents to help them. with housing.

Namely, foster families with many children could solve the problem of orphans and children who have lost parental care for various reasons.

Raising a foster child

This is the third - and not the least important reason why foster families are not spreading across Russia as they should.

Childless couples are afraid to take a child from an orphanage or orphanage, because they are afraid of possible difficulties in raising him, in particular, hereditary tendencies. Many believe that the children of alcoholics, drug addicts, and criminals end up in government institutions. Of course, parents can be all sorts of things, but the kids living in the hospital or the Baby House are not to blame that they were unlucky with their parents.

Often, having already accepted a child into a family, adults with secret fear observe his growing up, mistaking a tendency to noisy games for aggressiveness, a child's desire to take someone else's toy for a tendency to steal, and trying to suppress these developmental anomalies in the bud, and with rather harsh methods. The child, not understanding what he did wrong, naturally begins to resist, a conflict arises, which, due to a lack of understanding of the situation by adults, can cause the child to leave home.

The training given to adults wishing to become foster parents warns against such steps. Experts give future parents advice and recommendations on how to avoid conflict situations, and yet there are often cases that adults, having taken a child into the family, especially an older one, after a while terminate the foster family agreement and return the child to the orphanage, explaining the act by the dissimilarity of temperaments or something similar. In fact, such a reason may arise, but more often it is a misunderstanding of the psychology of someone else's child, who does not live up to the expectations placed on him and does not bow down to his adoptive parents for every piece of bread.

The addiction of parents and children in foster families is thin autumn ice that can crunch from any wrong step. Children who have lost their families have experienced real grief, they love their parents - both alcoholics and drug addicts, and are afraid to become attached to a new family so as not to betray the old one. For this reason, during the addiction period, children either withdraw into themselves, or begin to be insolent, respond rudely and defiantly to affectionate words. Only patience and tact, the foster parents' understanding of how much suffering this fragile child's soul had to endure, can help the child understand that in this family no one claims to be his mother and father without his desire.

Foster parents, who have found an approach to each child, share their experience with newcomers, helping them overcome the very first height - strangers getting used to each other, there is an opportunity to ask for advice from parents who have been in a similar situation, attend seminars and courses for foster parents and decide together foster family problems.

If you think that it would be necessary to take a child from an orphanage for upbringing - do not hesitate, take it. The guardianship authorities do not leave without the help of people who save children's souls and bring up full-fledged citizens of our country.

Before the revolution, there were no orphanages in Russia at all. If the child was left alone, relatives, neighbors, friends of the parents took him in. So a foster family is a historically justified form of raising orphans for our country.

For a number of reasons, today many children are left without parental care and love. The staff of the shelters does everything to make the little ones feel safe. But no one can replace mom and dad. Adopting children is a great alternative. Small members of society are cared for, and adults can feel the joy of parenting.

What is a foster family?

One of the most common orphans is a foster family. This is an opportunity for children to feel like full-fledged people and grow in care and affection. Parents make out only There is no need to adopt orphans. Depending on the size of the living space and living conditions, you can take in a family from 1 to 4 children. The pupil lives with foster parents until the age of 18.

Family-type orphanages are also widespread today. This is a slightly different form of custody. Parents receive appropriate payments for the upbringing and maintenance of orphans. In this case, more than 10 children of any age can be admitted. The little ones know that they are living with a foster family. Despite this, they receive the same care as other children from their parents.

The foster family is constantly monitored by social services. Parents act according to the plan. Orphans most often end up in families with various psychological problems. Foster parents, together with psychologists, are doing everything to make the child adapt to new conditions.

Features of a foster family

First of all, it is worth remembering that the adopted child in the family has the status of an orphan (as opposed to the adoption procedure). This means that all government benefits and payments remain. Social services may regularly offer vouchers to sanatoriums and recreation centers. In addition, a monthly pension is paid to orphans. Children can stay in a family until they come of age or until they graduate from a higher educational institution. Further, they are provided with a workplace and a hostel. Children come to a foster family only for a certain period of life. Despite this, foster parents often have warm relations with their wards. Many orphans remain with families at an older age.

The adoptive family has many responsibilities to the state. Parents receive payments for decent maintenance and upbringing of children. Adults who decide to take care of orphans need to undergo appropriate training. In the future, every 2 years you will have to take retraining courses.

Is the orphan status still?

A foster family is an opportunity to bring up children in a narrower circle. The teachers are adults (man and woman) who decided to take the kids into care. But we are not talking about adoption. Children always have the opportunity to communicate with their biological parents if they wish. Very often babies become orphans with living relatives. Adults who lead the wrong lifestyle, do not take proper care of the child, are deprived of parental rights. The kid ends up in an orphanage. Communication with relatives can only stop if the child is adopted.

Despite the fact that the foster family cannot prohibit communication with blood relatives, meetings with biological parents can be strictly supervised. It is still best to avoid such meetings whenever possible. Communication with family can be a real trauma for a child. And the psychological health of foster babies should come first.

Is adoption possible?

A foster family is a temporary form of placing children. The child knows that the parents are not family members. The most difficult thing is that the baby can be adopted by another family without consent. As soon as people appear who are going to adopt the baby, he can be removed from the register of the adoptive family.

Children quickly become attached to their other people can be serious psychological trauma for the child. Fortunately, babies of a conscious age are rarely chosen for adoption. Most often these are babies up to one year old, who are still little attached to their guardians and quickly adapt to new conditions.

Who can become foster parents?

Upbringing in a foster family can be carried out by adults whose family member exceeds the subsistence level established by law. A man and a woman who are not married cannot be the guardians of the same child. The health of people who want to create a foster family is of great importance. Before processing the documents, you must undergo a complete medical examination. People who are registered in a narcological or tuberculosis dispensary cannot accept children.

People who have previously been convicted or deprived of parental rights also cannot create a foster family. The same rule applies to former adoptive parents if the child was returned to the shelter through their fault. If adults are fit in all respects, they should receive appropriate training. A foster family should become a real rear for a child deprived of parental attention.

Foster parenting school

Foster parenting school is a preparatory stage that allows people to understand if they can properly raise a step child. The program for all such schools is the same. It is approved by the Ministry of Health. During the training, the parents-to-be will be informed about the peculiarities of raising children from orphanages, and learn their needs. During training, 20% of adults give up the idea of creating a reception room seven. And there is nothing wrong with that. Only people who are confident in their abilities will be able to educate a worthy citizen. If there is no such confidence, you should not even start.

During the training, psychologists work with the parents-to-be. Adults have many fears associated with future guardianship. Many are afraid that the adopted child in the family will inherit the negative character traits of blood relatives. Of course, there is such a possibility. But correct upbringing is very important. If you channel the baby's energy in the right direction, he will grow up to be a full-fledged member of society. Also, everyone knows that children copy the behavior of adults. It is worth setting a positive example for the little person. And then all negative character traits will come to naught.

How to start a foster family?

A foster family is a very serious step. Those who decide on it, initially need to come to the city and write a corresponding statement. Next, you will have to collect a package of documents, which will include parents' passports, identification numbers, marriage certificate, health certificates of family members, a certificate of family composition. Copies of all these documents will also have to be provided.

Foster parenting in school is imperative. The corresponding training can also be taken in the regional center of social services. After training, parents have the opportunity to go through a board of trustees. This is where the decision is made whether spouses are suitable for foster families. If all is well, foster parents can choose children to raise (from 1 to 4, depending on the decision of the board of trustees). Within a few days, the final legal stage of paperwork is carried out.

Social support

The state undertakes to constantly provide social support to foster families. Each family is assigned an appropriate employee who regularly visits the family, communicates with the children. This makes it possible to understand whether the adopted child feels well in the family, whether he receives the necessary care and attention from adults. Psychological support is provided to parents and children. There is always an opportunity to seek qualified help.

Once every two years, adoptive parents and families with adopted children take courses to improve the educational potential of adults. Specialists in psychology, pedagogy, medicine are involved in training. Parents should not only surround the kids with love and affection, but also know how to behave correctly in a given situation, how to provide first aid.

Special attention should be paid to the parents who took on the upbringing of an HIV-infected baby. Such children can only get into a foster family with the consent of adults. At least once a year, you will have to undergo training in caring for sick babies. For the upbringing of HIV-infected children, additional benefits are provided to foster families.

Responsibilities of adoptive parents

Foster parents act as legal representatives of children in organizations and businesses. Adults are responsible for the life and health of adopted babies. The mental and physical development of children in foster families also falls on the shoulders of adults. A man and a woman who decide to create a foster family must do everything for the child to become a full-fledged member of society. The kid enters a secondary school. Parents make sure that there are all conditions for normal mental development.

Foster parents have the right to apply pedagogical methods of upbringing, punish a child for disobedience, and encourage him. Upbringing methods are always discussed with social workers. What absolutely must not be done is to raise a hand against adopted children, even for educational purposes.

Rights and obligations of children in foster families

For children deprived of parental care, if they enter a foster family, all state guarantees and benefits are fully preserved. They have the opportunity to receive alimony and pensions that were previously assigned. Foster parents can receive financial assistance for their children. Social services make sure that this money goes to meet the needs of children. For the normal development of orphans, a foster family has been created. Payments can be transferred to the account opened by the guardians in the bank.

Children from foster families have the right to meet with blood relatives, unless prohibited by the court. But this is rarely practiced. Most often, babies, whose mother and father have died or have been deprived of parental rights, end up in shelters.

Adaptation of a child in a foster family

Most parents take care of small children who can easily adapt to new conditions. With an adult child, the situation may be somewhat different. In the early days, a new family member can be quiet and obedient in everything. No more than a week passes and the child stops listening to his new parents. It is important to immediately show who is the boss in the house. Don't be afraid to reprimand a new family member.

It usually takes several months for babies to adapt to foster homes. If the child has reached school age, it is better to take him into the family at the beginning of the summer holidays. At this time, adults will be able to spend more time with a new family member, they will be able to make it clear to him that they will not offend anyone here.

Payments and benefits

The foster family (2014) is fully funded by the state. Parents receive an allowance equal to three times the minimum wage for each child. The time of the baby's stay in the family is included in the total length of service. This means that adoptive parents can also count on a decent pension.

Children in the family have the status of orphans. They are also paid corresponding benefits. Foster parents can manage money in the best interests of the child.

A foster family has many benefits. Payments in 2014 make it possible to fully provide the child with clothing and food. Additionally, children can be offered vouchers to health resorts and rest homes.

Let's summarize

A foster family can be a great alternative to adoption. Children with the status of "orphan" will always be dressed and shod, their parents will be able to surround them with attention and care. But before starting a foster family, it is worth considering several times. The goal should not be income from the state, but the desire to educate full-fledged members of society, who for a number of reasons were deprived of the love of their parents.

According to statistics for 2016, more than 148 thousand children from orphanages were brought up in foster families. Five thousand of them returned back to the orphanage. Women who abandoned adopted children, what it is like to be the mother of a step-child and what prompted them to make a difficult decision.

Irina, 42 years old

A daughter was brought up in Irina's family, but she and her husband wanted a second child. For medical reasons, the spouse could no longer have children, the couple decided on adoption. There was no fear, because Irina worked as a volunteer and had experience of communicating with refuseniks.

- I went against the wishes of my parents. In August 2007, we took a one-year-old Misha from the baby house. The first shock for me was the attempt to rock him. It didn't work, he rocked himself: he crossed his legs, put two fingers in his mouth and swayed from side to side. Later I realized that the first year of Misha's life in the orphanage had become lost: the child did not develop an attachment. For children in the baby house, babysitters are constantly changing so that they do not get used to it. Misha knew that he was adopted. I brought it to him neatly, like a fairy tale: I said that some children are born in the belly, while others - in the heart, so you were born in my heart.

Irina admits that little Misha constantly manipulated her, was obedient only for the sake of profit.

- In kindergarten, Misha began to dress up as a woman and masturbate in public. I told the educators that we did not feed him. When he was seven, he told my eldest daughter that it would be better if she had not been born. And when we as punishment forbade him to watch cartoons, he promised to stab us.

Misha was seen by a neurologist and a psychiatrist, but no medications worked on him. At school, he disrupted lessons and beat peers. Irina's husband ran out of patience and filed for divorce.

- I took the children and went to Moscow to work. Misha continued to do nasty things on the sly. My feelings for him were in constant disarray: from hatred to love, from the desire to nail down to heartbreaking pity. All my chronic diseases have worsened. Depression began.

According to Irina, Misha could steal money from his classmates, and let the funds allocated to him for meals be used in a slot machine.

- I had a nervous breakdown. When Misha returned home, in a state of passion, I slapped him a couple of times and pushed him so that he had a subcapsular rupture of his spleen. They called an ambulance. Thank God no operation was needed. I got scared and realized that I had to abandon the child. What if I fell out again? I don’t want to go to jail, I’ll raise my older daughter. A few days later I came to visit Misha in the hospital and saw him in a wheelchair (he was not allowed to walk for two weeks). I returned home and cut my veins. My roommate saved me. I spent a month in a psychiatric clinic. I have severe clinical depression, I am taking antidepressants. My psychiatrist forbade me to communicate with the child in person, because all treatment after that goes down the drain.

After nine years of living in the family, Misha returned to the orphanage. A year and a half later, legally, he is still the son of Irina. The woman believes that the child still does not understand what happened, he sometimes calls her and asks to buy something for him.

- He has such a consumer attitude towards me, as if calling the delivery service. After all, I have no separation - my own or my adopted one. For me, everyone is family. It was as if I had cut a piece from myself.

After what happened, Irina decided to find out who Misha's parents are. It turned out that he had schizophrenics in his family.

- He is a handsome boy, very charming, dances well, and he has a developed sense of color, he chooses clothes well. He dressed my daughter for graduation. But this is his behavior, heredity has crossed everything out. I firmly believed that love is stronger than genetics. It was an illusion. One child destroyed my entire family.

Svetlana, 53 years old

Svetlana's family had three children: her own daughter and two adopted children. The two elders left to study in another city, and the youngest adopted son Ilya stayed with Svetlana.

- Ilya was six when I took him to my place. According to the documents, he was absolutely healthy, but soon I began to notice oddities. I’ll make his bed — there’s no pillowcase in the morning. I ask, where are you going? He does not know. For his birthday I gave him a huge radio-controlled car. The next day, only one wheel was left of her, but he does not know where the rest is.

After several examinations by a neurologist, Ilya was diagnosed with absence epilepsy. The disease is characterized by short-term blackouts.

- It was possible to cope with all this, but at the age of 14 Ilya began to use something, what exactly - I did not find out. He began to freak out more than ever. Everything in the house was broken and broken: a sink, sofas, chandeliers. If you ask Ilya who did it, the answer is the same: I don’t know, it’s not me. I asked him not to use drugs. She said: finish the ninth grade, then you will go to study in another city, and we will part with you on a good note. And he: "No, I'm not going anywhere from here at all, I will bring you."

After a year of quarrels with her adopted son, Svetlana was hospitalized with nervous exhaustion. Then the woman decided to abandon Ilya and returned him to the orphanage.

- A year later, Ilya came to me for the New Year holidays. He asked for forgiveness, said that he did not understand what he was doing and that he was not using anything now. Then he went back. I don’t know how custody works there, but he returned to live with his own alcoholic mother. He already has his own family, a child. His epilepsy has not gone away, sometimes oddly on trifles.

Evgeniya, 41 years old

Evgenia adopted a child when her own son was ten. The previous adoptive parents abandoned that boy, but despite this, Evgenia decided to take him into her family.

- The child made the most positive impression on us: charming, modest, shyly smiled, embarrassed and quietly answered questions. Later, over time, we realized that this is just a way to manipulate people. In the eyes of those around him, he always remained a miracle child, no one could believe that there were real problems in communicating with him.

Evgenia began to notice that her adopted son was lagging behind in physical development. Gradually, she began to learn about his chronic diseases.

- The boy began his life in our family by telling a bunch of scary stories about his previous guardians, which at first seemed to us quite true. When he was convinced that we believed him, he somehow forgot what he was talking about (after all, the child), and it soon became clear that he simply invented most of the stories. He constantly dressed up as girls, in all games he took female roles, climbed under the covers to his son and tried to hug him, walked around the house, pulling his pants down, responding to comments that he was so comfortable. Psychologists said that this is normal, but I could not agree with this, after all, my boyfriend is growing up too.

Studying in the second grade, the boy could not count to ten. Evgenia is a teacher by profession, she constantly studied with her son, they managed to achieve positive results. Only communication between mother and son did not go well. The boy lied to his teachers about being bullied at home.

- We received a call from school to understand what was happening, because we have always been in good standing. And the boy just felt the weak points of those around him and, when he needed to, hit them. He simply drove my son to hysterics: he said that we did not love him, that he would stay with us, and they would send their son to an orphanage. I did it on the sly, and for a long time we could not understand what was happening. As a result, the son secretly hung out from us in computer clubs and began to steal money. It took us six months to bring him home and bring him back to his senses. Its OK now.

The son brought Evgenia's mother to a heart attack, and ten months later the woman sent her adopted son to a rehabilitation center.

- With the advent of the adopted son, the family began to fall apart before our eyes. I realized that I was not ready to sacrifice my son, my mother for the ghostly hope that everything will be fine. The boy was absolutely indifferent to the fact that he was sent to a rehabilitation center, and then they wrote a refusal. Maybe he's just got used to it, or maybe some of his human feelings are atrophied. New guardians were found for him, and he left for another region. Who knows, maybe things will work out there. Although I do not really believe in it.

Anna (name has been changed)

- My husband and I could not have children (I have incurable female problems) and took the child from the orphanage. When we took him, we were 24 years old. The child was 4 years old. He looked like an angel. At first, we could not get enough of him, he was so curly, well-built, smart, compared to his peers from the orphanage (it's no secret that children in the orphanage do not develop well). Of course, we did not choose on the basis of who is prettier, but this child clearly had a heart. Almost 11 years have passed since then. The child turned into a monster - he doesn't want to do anything AT ALL, he steals money from us and from classmates. Visits to the director have become a tradition for me. I do not work, I devoted my life to the child, spent all the time with him, tried to be a good, fair mother ... it did not work out. I say to him - he told me "go to ***, you are not my mother / yes you are ***** / but what do you understand in my life." I no longer have the strength, I do not know how to influence him. My husband has withdrawn from upbringing, says that I should figure it out myself, because (I quote) "I'm afraid that if I start talking to him, I will hit him." In general, I saw no way out but to give it back. And yes. If this was my child, dear, I would have done the same.

Natalia Stepanova

- Little Slavka immediately fell in love with me. The lonely and shy toddler stood out from the childish crowd in the social center for helping children. We picked him up on the very first day we met. However, two weeks later the alarm was sounded. Outwardly calm and kind boy suddenly began to show aggression towards pets. First, Slava hung newborn kittens in the kitchen, having previously wrapped them with wire. Then small dogs became the object of his attention. As a result, there were at least 13 ruined lives on the account of the juvenile murderer. When a series of these cruel acts began, we immediately turned to a child psychologist. At the reception, the specialist reassured us and advised us to devote more time to Slava and make it clear that we love him. We met halfway and in the summer left for the village, away from the noisy city. But the situation there got worse. At the next consultation, the psychologist explained to us that Slavka needed specialized help. And since I am in a position, we decided that it would be better to send our son back to the orphanage. We hoped to the last that the boy's aggression would soon pass, and with it the desire to kill. The last straw of patience was the three bodies of the torn puppies. As if according to the script of a horror movie, once again taking advantage of the absence of adults, the kid single-handedly beat the four-legged to death.