Useful advice for a wife and husband. Violence in family. How to build relationships with your husband

How to avoid the four biggest mistakes in love

Four symptoms of a love crisis

Love doesn't fall apart overnight. There are symptoms, warning signs, indicating that emotional stress has reached a critical point.

I divide these symptoms into four stages, covering the entire critical period. People fall under the influence of these symptoms all the time. If you do not learn to control them, the symptoms will turn into four stages of extinction of love.

These four symptoms are: RESISTANCE, OFFENSE. SHUTDOWN, SUPPRESSION.

Resistance

It is perfectly normal when, when communicating with another person, even a very close one, you show resistance to him. This happens when you do not like something in his words or behavior. You feel dissatisfied, irritated, to a certain extent emotionally detached.

Example 1. You are lying in bed with your partner, about to fall asleep. He suddenly becomes active, clearly wanting to make love. You are experiencing inner resistance, you think: "I wish he showed more tenderness and patience. He is in too much of a hurry."

Example 2. A wife talks to her best friend and jokes all the time about what a bad father you are. Internal resistance is brewing in you, you begin to feel irritation.

Most people ignore the resistance phase by pretending that everything is in order. At the same time, people think something like this: "You shouldn't be upset because of nonsense. Don't be a nit-pick, everyone has their own shortcomings. It's better to forget about it, why rock the boat?" This is your first mistake. The feeling of resistance that is brewing in you cannot be ignored, otherwise you will soon find yourself in the second stage.

If you suppress the feeling of resistance, do not share it with your partner, the tension builds up and turns into a second symptom - chronic resentment.

Resentment

I mean a chronic resentment that accumulates in a person's soul if he constantly suppresses in himself a feeling of protest, resistance. You are no longer just annoyed by the behavior of your partner, it seems unbearable to you! If resistance only causes irritation, then resentment causes anger.

You are constantly experiencing anger, hostility, disappointment, love feelings are out of the question. This is when you begin to build an emotional wall between yourself and your partner.

Example 1. Your partner is constantly impatient while having sex, and you do not tell him about your dissatisfaction. In the end, you simply cannot bear his habits - they become hateful to you. You think: "Why does he touch me so rudely? How insensitive he is!"

Example 2. Your wife is nagging you all the time for allegedly not paying enough attention to your children. You do not like her criticism, but you prefer to remain silent. In the end, a serious resentment arises in you: "Why does she find fault with me all the time? After all, I work hard at work from morning to evening, and she only has worries about messing with children."

If you don't tell your partner about your hurt, the hurt builds up and leads you to stage three - the disconnection stage.

Disconnection

Disconnection means emotional and, usually, physical distance from your partner. A love crisis reaches this stage when feelings of protest and resentment completely destroy emotional intimacy with a partner, so you prefer to separate from him. Disconnection occurs in two ways:

1. Active shutdown : you reject your partner openly. You threaten to leave.
Refuse to fulfill his desires.
Complain about him to all common acquaintances.
You scold him with the last words.
Refuse to have sexual contact with him.
Try to spend as much time as possible without it.
During quarrels, leave the room by slamming the door behind you.

2. Passive shutdown : your partner may not be aware of your relationship, which manifests itself in a latent form.
You fantasize about other sexual partners.
You have an affair on the side.
You don't react when you have sex with your partner.
You are losing sexual interest in him.
You immerse yourself in work so that you can spend less time at home.
You don't listen when your partner is talking to you.
You disagree with him, no matter what it comes down to.
Secretly, you dream of "freedom" - to break up with your partner and start life anew.

Sexual disconnection

In the third stage of a love crisis, sex life is disrupted, or even disappears altogether. You cannot have a sexual interest in a person who only irritates you, you prefer to disconnect. Your sexual desire is weakened, or even disappears altogether. It may very well be that you assure yourself: sex does not interest me at all. The mere thought of being intimate with your partner can make you sickened.

If at the same time the marital relationship continues, your life is constantly filled with either negative emotions or deadly boredom. It depends on which type of trip you choose: active or passive.

Most married couples break up at this stage. The breakup is usually painful because there is a lot of anger and bitterness in the relationship.

If you do not tell your partner that you have "disconnected" from him, the emotional tension continues to build up and takes you to the fourth stage - the stage of suppression.

Suppression

Suppression is a state of emotional deafness. When you are tired of resistance, resentment, disconnection, you begin to suppress your negative emotions in order to feel better.

This process can occur both consciously and subconsciously. When you fall into a state of suppression of feelings, you tell yourself:

"You shouldn't fight about it anymore."
"None of this matters."
"We need to get along somehow - at least for the sake of the children."
"I'm too tired to bicker with him."
"Everyone has their own problems, it's best not to pay attention to them."
"We must observe decency - after all, we have children (neighbors are looking at us, I have to think about my work, the church does not approve of divorce, etc.). We will behave in a civilized manner."

If you find yourself in the fourth stage, emotional deafness will become your companion for the rest of your life. You are losing passion, as if you are not living. Your mood becomes even, dull, boring. You are constantly tired, lack of energy. It is possible that you will be able to suppress the pain, but at the same time the joy and acuity of sensations will go away from your life.

Suppression is the most dangerous of the four symptoms, because a person can easily fall into self-deception: he begins to believe that his family relationship is quite normal, although in fact a mortal danger looms over the person. I have often had to work with couples who are at the stage of suppression of feelings. They all believed that they had no problems. Of course, they got along without sex, without passion, without joy. Typically, these people say that they "figured out their problems." This means that they have learned to suppress their feelings and now can coexist at the very least.

From the outside, it may seem that such a married couple is quite happy with their life. Spouses never quarrel, do not argue, are always polite to each other. At first glance, such a relationship may even cause envy. And then you suddenly find out that this "ideal" married couple took and divorced. "I don't understand, - you say. - They were so happy!" They were not happy, they seemed happy. These people suppressed their unpleasant emotions, and they ended up killing their own love.

Living at this stage is abnormal from a purely physiological point of view. When a person suppresses hopes, dreams, desires, tension builds up in him, affecting the general state of health.
I believe that one of the main problems in our society is that there are a lot of people around us who suppress their feelings. When the usual means are not enough, these people resort to the help of alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers, overeating, fanatical industriousness and other inappropriate behaviors.

That is why I took up seminar activities because I know that people need to be taught to get rid of emotional stress, learn to analyze their feelings and be able to express them. Thousands of people suffering from feelings of suppression attended my seminars. It often happened that after a couple of days they came to life, resurrected to life and love.

Your emotional schema

I spent many years working as a psychotherapist and seminar leader before understanding the mysterious world of emotions. As a result of the work done, I have developed a system that I call the "Emotional Scheme".

The Emotional Chart is a simple yet effective formula to help you understand your own feelings and the feelings of those around you. Thanks to her, you will learn how to get rid of unpleasant emotions (anger, resentment, fear) and resurrect love. I have found that when a person feels upset or frustrated, they simultaneously experience emotions, which are divided into five groups.

Five groups of emotions:

1. ANGER, a sense of revenge, the search for the culprit.
2. Offense, bitterness, disappointment.
3. FEAR, uncertainty.
4. REPENTANCE, regret, a sense of responsibility.
5. LOVE, tolerance, forgiveness.

When you are upset, one of these emotions comes to the fore: anger, resentment, fear, or remorse. But emotions are located in your soul in layers, like the earth's crust. In the depths there is magma - love and the need for intimacy and communication.

Anger, the search for the culprit, resentment - this is like the first line of defense, helping you to defend yourself and repel the attack. At a deeper level, there are resentment, bitterness, and disappointment - feelings that are much less active. Fear and insecurity are even deeper, which make you vulnerable. Then comes the layer associated with repentance, regret, a sense of responsibility - the faithful companions of unfulfilled love. And underneath all this is love itself. The rest of the feelings are just a reaction that we fall prey to when our love is threatened.

When a person experiences anger, resentment or other negative feeling, he temporarily "disconnects from love." ".

Emotional tension can be relieved only when a person consistently passes through all four layers lying on top of love.

If you "skip" some of the emotional layers, the conflict remains not fully resolved; emotional stress builds up in the soul. You cannot immediately go down to the deepest layer. At the same time, emotional stress does not disappear anywhere - you accumulate it and drag it along with you through life, it accompanies you even when you enter into a new love union.

How to tell the complete truth

Now that you have an understanding of the emotional pattern, it becomes clearer to you what is the cause of your marital conflicts.

Most of the problems that arise in human relations are due to the fact that people are not telling each other the complete truth.

When you are upset and trying to tell your partner how you are feeling, you tend to focus on the emotional layer closer to the surface - anger or resentment. The partner behaves in the same way. As a result, you say to each other a lot of unpleasant things, which are quite difficult to perceive.

Let's take a very simple situation as an example. Maria and her husband Alex have just returned from a trip to Japan. Friends threw a party in their honor, Maria tells them about the trip. Alex interrupts her all the time, corrects her, inserts all sorts of comments. Maria is seething inwardly, thinking: "He is not ashamed!" When they are alone, she pounces on her husband:

Why did you find fault with me all the time? I'm terribly angry with you. You ruined my whole evening!

Is Maria telling Alex the truth? Undoubtedly. She is angry, offended and does not hide it. However, anger and resentment are only part of the truth, the tip of the iceberg of her emotions.

How does Alex behave in this situation? Most likely, he goes over to a counterattack.

Maria: Why did you find fault with me all the time? I'm very angry with you.
Alex: I didn't find fault with you, I corrected you.
Maria: You were impolite.
Alex: Impolite? Relax, don't get fussed over nonsense.
Maria: For nonsense ?! You can be so insensitive!
Alex: Look, you just can't please!

And off we go!

Now let's try to figure out what are the feelings of Mary in their entirety.

Anger. Well, we already know everything about Mary's anger.

Resentment. Why, in fact, was Maria so angry with Alex? Because he offended her, she felt that he treated her without respect. It’s very upsetting when your loved one is showing you not enough respect.

Fear. Fear and self-doubt are rooted behind resentment. Maria subconsciously thinks: "Am I really tired of him? Probably, I do not know how to behave in public. Alex is unhappy with me."

Repentance. Even deeper than fear are repentance and a sense of responsibility. Maria does not feel guilty, but feels that she is drawing herself and her loved one into a conflict. This layer of emotion seems to tell her: "How could you allow so many inaccuracies in your story? You couldn't be so nervous in the presence of strangers. Why did you start this quarrel?"

Love. Deeper still lies the desire to preserve love. At this level, Maria does not want to conflict at all, she agrees to admit that she is wrong. Maria would like Alex to be proud of her, so that she can learn to tell as well as he does.

So, at the heart of everything is love. If Maria didn’t love Alex so much, she wouldn’t care what he thinks of her. But she loves him, so she is bitter that he did not like her story. She is afraid of losing him, offended by his critical attitude and angry at him for the fact that he treated her that way.

This is what Maria would say if she expressed all her feelings, she would tell the whole truth: “Alex, I want to tell you what feelings I am experiencing at the moment, because they prevent me from feeling close to you, and I lack this closeness. Listen to me to the end before you object. I am very angry with you for being critical of my story. In my opinion, it was impolite, I was embarrassed in front of my acquaintances. You offended me by being critical of my manner I am afraid that you are ashamed of me, think that you are not smart enough. I am also afraid that you are tired of me, and your criticisms are evidence of that. I am very afraid that our conversation will develop into a big quarrel. I am very sorry that I have not told enough good. And I'm sorry that the conversation took such a turn. I really want you to be proud of me, I want us to feel safe. I love you very much, our joint happiness is the most important thing for me. what do you think about me. That's why I was upset. "

This is the truth in its entirety. That's why Maria got angry with Alex because she loves him. When a person expresses the whole truth, the topic of the conversation takes on a dimension: Maria can analyze the whole gamut of her feelings, convey it to her husband, and most importantly, anger will not harm her love.

SECRET: Unpleasant emotions are fraught with love and the desire for intimacy.

Here are some examples that will show you how to define your feelings in their entirety when something unpleasant happens. Note that the initial feeling is strikingly different from the deep feeling.

Situation 1: The husband is critical of your appearance, making comparisons with another woman not in your favor.

Deep feelings:

I am offended that I do not seem attractive enough to you.
I am sad that you are comparing me to another woman.
I'm scared that you are tired of me.
I’m scared that you’ll stop loving me if I don’t lose weight.
I wish you were proud of me.
I regret that I have completely blossomed recently.
I want to be beautiful - for you.
I love you and your opinion is very important to me.

Situation 2: Your wife scolds you for not having enough money for vacation.

Your initial feelings: anger and resentment.

Deep feelings:

I am offended to feel that I am not earning enough.
I am saddened that although we both work, there is a constant lack of money.
I'm scared that I'm not as lucky as you would like.
I am afraid that I cannot be entrepreneurial in everything that concerns money.
I'm sorry we can't go on the trip.
I regret not being able to provide you with everything you deserve.
I want to make more money so we can travel.
I love you so much that I would like to provide you with the best.

If you are stumped

This is what happens when you don't show feelings of all levels. You may think that you are angry, but in fact you are suffering from resentment. You may think that you are depressed, but in fact you are scared. Without expressing the whole gamut of feelings, you cannot get rid of emotional stress, you get bogged down in some one state.

Take another look at the emotional schema and ask yourself: Which of these feelings is the hardest for me? I'm pretty sure you've raised yourself to avoid feeling the emotions of a particular group. This causes you to get stuck in the emotions of other groups. If you are a man, you may have been taught from childhood that in no case should you show resentment or fear, because this would indicate weakness.

The only emotion that men can show in any amount is anger. They hit you - give me back, the main thing is not to sit and whine.

SECRET ABOUT MEN (FOR WOMEN): When a man is experiencing a strong feeling, he often relieves emotional stress in the only way he is familiar with - falls into a rage.

If a man is afraid to show his vulnerability, he often falls into anger or withdraws into himself, pretends to be unapproachable. Remember, if you are offended when your love is threatened, it is very difficult for you to show your defenselessness. More often than not, you pretend that you don't give a damn when in reality it hurts and hurts.

Anger is one of the ways we go about dealing with resentment. Of course, this applies not only to men, but also to women, although women are less afraid of showing their vulnerability.

Have you noticed that you are angry more often than you want? It is very likely that resentment is manifested in this way. You use hot temper as an excuse to hide from feelings of fear and resentment. Ask yourself what exactly offends you, what exactly are you afraid of in each case. Do not be afraid to cry more often, turn to a child who lives in the depths of your soul and needs love. When you give yourself permission to freely express resentment, fear, and remorse, you experience incredible emotional and physical relief, as a result of which anger and irritation subside.

Maybe you have a partner who gets angry very often? If you suspect that he is covering up his vulnerability in this way, help him:

Do not respond to his rage with your rage.
- Ask what you have offended him, what is he afraid of. By doing so, you kind of give your partner permission to express their feelings freely.
- Perhaps the partner himself does not know about his deepest feelings, so help him, tell him what the true motives of his discontent may be. For example: "Honey, you must have taken offense when I said that your fishing venture is sheer stupidity. You must be afraid that I will nag you for your fishing addiction and that we will constantly quarrel about it."
- Imagine that your partner is a small resentful child who wants but cannot ask for comfort and encouragement. This will help you to react to his behavior not with anger, but with love.

Maybe, on the contrary, you find it difficult to get angry? There are people who suffer from a problem of the opposite nature: they are organically incapable of being aggressive. Many women are brought up in such a way that they are used to thinking that it is "indecent" to be angry. For women in this circle, rage is a manifestation of vulnerability, that is, something exactly the opposite. It is "decent" for women to cry, to pretend to be frightened. A woman can grieve, suffer, show her insecurity in every possible way. Very often, tears become a camouflage for aggression. There are also men who have been taught from childhood to extinguish their rage. Such men usually replace anger with self-deprecation.

Another type of anger camouflage is criticality and sarcasm. How often do people who do not dare to be angry plague their partner with nagging and caustic remarks. Thus, they shy away from the need to show rage, to face their partner directly.

The result of anger suppression

The main result is depression.

Depression is not an intense feeling of bitterness at all. It is suppressed anger, transferred from the partner to oneself.

If you can't constructively vent your anger, it builds up in your soul. Suppressing anger requires a huge amount of energy, so a person experiences fatigue, loss of vitality, hopelessness, depression. A lot of vital energy is spent on that. to keep anger in check.

If you are susceptible to depression and you firmly know that its cause is not related to physiology, ask yourself: are you suppressing anger in yourself? Give yourself permission to get really angry, don't ignore this layer of human feelings.

The easiest way to hide your anger is if your lover or friends do the same. A couple who are afraid to express their anger openly, as it were, enter into a silent conspiracy: both spouses do not give each other permission to be angry. As a result, both suppress their feelings, and such love is usually devoid of passion and openness.

If your partner is as afraid of anger as you are, talk to him about the issue. Try to explain to him why you are behaving in such a way that you are afraid.

What Happens When You Don't Tell the Truth

In an atmosphere of dishonesty, love dies. You cannot suppress unpleasant emotions - anger, resentment, fear, without simultaneously muffling positive feelings. If in a love relationship you do not tell your partner the whole truth, passion dies. After all, passion is the fruit of intense feelings. Suppressing the truth, you muffle the ability to feel in yourself, and when a person stops feeling, he stops loving.

You yourself know very well when you are not telling the whole truth. At the same time, the state of the inner world is disturbed in you, you feel out of place, your self-respect suffers. You seem to be out of sync with your personality. There is only one way to regain spiritual integrity - get used to telling your partner the whole truth and, of course, tell the whole truth to yourself. You have no idea how much your relationship with others will improve.

Relationship psychology

Love is one of the deepest and most vivid emotions. Almost everyone will be happy to find themselves in a comfortable union. Sometimes romantic relationships become such a significant element of life that they act as a source of self-realization and deep moral satisfaction.

The art of having a healthy relationship is not innate. Psychological studies indicate that the skill of their formation begins to be laid in early childhood. The first important lessons in the psychology of love and relationships are given to us by loved ones. Usually these are parents or those who replace them. It is they who, by their example, show us how to behave with a partner and how to solve emerging problems. The concepts of the psychology of relationships between a couple formed in childhood do not always determine behavior for the rest of their lives, but often become its foundation.

In some cases, problems that interfere with building healthy relationships have to be worked out with a specialist. One of these dangers is codependency with an obsession with a partner. This pathological attachment kills love and respect, turning relationships into a nervous tangle of manipulation and emotional abuse. It can be difficult to admit that you are trapped in codependency, but ignoring the problem leads to the loss of yourself and the loss of the ability to enjoy life.

Failure in a couple occurs for many reasons and entails deep anguish and psychological problems. We must deliberately work on ourselves and on the relationship with our partner to allow family life to flourish.

The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is a very changeable and complex area. We are all different, and when it comes to love and family, you need to understand that there is no universal recipe for correct behavior. Each person, whether it is a man or a woman, has its own characteristics that must be taken into account. At the same time, research shows that there are also typical behaviors. Therefore, today we will turn to the results of these studies and take a closer look at the important points.

The psychology of family relationships

Few things give such a sense of security, happiness, and love as a good family relationship. Of course, feeling like a part of a warm and loving family is nice in itself. But healthy family relationships are important for other reasons as well:

• make children feel safe and empower them to build healthy relationships in the future
• trust and mutual support make it easier and more successful to endure financial and other life difficulties
• a supportive family environment has been proven to improve business success and learning efficiency
• support of loved ones allows you to more successfully experience stress and cope with illnesses, both somatic and mental

That is why it is always worth paying close attention to such an important thing as the psychology of family relationships between a wife and a husband. Unfortunately, in an effort to make our life as a couple more comfortable, we often make mistakes that lead to a deterioration in the relationship. What are these mistakes?

1. Jealousy and excessive partner control. Marital psychology research tells us that a lack of trust gradually lowers your self-esteem and leads to a loss of respect from your spouse.
2. Lack of personal space. The desire to participate in all areas of a partner's life leads to a gradual fading of interest and the accumulation of irritation. Sometimes you need a breath of fresh air, which can be your personal hobby or meeting friends.
3. Constant manipulations: a disgruntled look, offensive innuendo, sex blackmail or whatever, just to get what you want. Try to abandon these destructive methods and act in an open manner. Having a sincere conversation with your spouse will show you how much easier and more enjoyable life together will become.
4. Lack of Tolerance: if partners cling to every little thing and get annoyed at the slightest mistakes, then such a relationship will not lead to good. Try to contain your emotions and in most cases you will be convinced that the incident was not worth the fight.

Talking about the problems of family life, one cannot fail to mention infidelity. People put different meanings into this word, but each time such situations lead to severe mental pain. In the confusion of feelings, there are impulses to take revenge and destroy everything around, but maybe it is worth looking for another way? A painful breakup isn't the only outcome. If you want to keep your family together, you can always try to repair the relationship.

Try not to forget about the pitfalls in the psychology of relationships between spouses that poison family life. Each of us makes mistakes from time to time, but this is not a big deal. The main thing is to realize them in time and prevent the consequences.

Psychology of a man in a relationship with his wife

We all know that men differ from women not only physically, but also emotionally. These differences are visible at any stage of life and affect all aspects of life, including behavior in relationships and marriage. It is generally accepted that the role of breadwinner and protector is the natural role of men. And although in the modern world such a model of behavior has long become not very clear and not always obligatory, most men adhere to it in their own way. This is not surprising, because the mentality has been forming for hundreds of years, and, despite the benefits of civilization, you cannot get rid of it so easily.

On the one hand, women like the personality of a “warrior”, but on the other, they often complain about the lack of sensitivity and sensitivity of their partner. For a long time, one of the distinctive features of men was the ability to physically resolve conflicts, while women needed to be attentive to external manifestations of emotions.

This in no way means that a modern man will fight for any reason or take something away. It just reminds me that empathy and sensitivity to hints in men has always been less developed than in women. The latter are much more skillful in interpreting facial expressions and other nuances of communication, while a man simply does not pay attention to them. Not because it doesn't matter to him, it's just that his psyche is structured differently.

However, it is important to see the line where the natural characteristics of the male psyche translate into emotional abuse. Such a harmful relationship can last for years, and prolonged pressure on the nervous system does not leave without loss. If you do not resist "vampirism", then the victim inevitably loses self-esteem and plunges into depression.

Thus, the psychology of a man's relationship to a woman is rooted in the distant past. Fortunately, modernity has made it possible to smooth out all these nuances, and even leave something behind, but one should not forget about the peculiarities of the male psyche. Here are some simple tips to help a man add positive emotions to a relationship:

1. Be generous with compliments.
2. Take an interest in her affairs, do not refuse to talk about topics that are interesting to her.
3. Show concern not only in global issues, but also in small things.
4. Do not get carried away with total control of her life.

Women's psychology in a relationship with her husband

Women fantasize beforehand about what they want from marriage. Their expectations are more specific than those of men, which is why they are more often disappointed. They expect deep affection, affection, romance, and comfort from marriage.

Women generally think about marriage more often than men about marriage. Some are worried why they have been together for several years, but there is still no proposal. Believe me, it's not always that your man doesn't love you. There can be many reasons, for example, he simply did not think that it was important to you.

The psychology of a woman's relationship to a man is that she seeks to give him her love, beauty and care in the way she dreamed about it even before marriage. In return, they expect support and attention, the absence of which they feel very subtly. Women more than men tend to cheat themselves in vain for no good reason and, trying to improve the situation, resort to manipulation. In fact, everything can be solved much easier. Family life will become more pleasant if the fair sex does not forget about the following tips:

1. Discuss problems and concerns directly and openly, and start with the essentials.
2. Praise your man well.
3. Think about what it is that attracts your partner to you, and redirect your energy there.
4. Don't hold back negative emotions; talk to your partner about your feelings.

Relationships in any case will bring us both joy and problems. All people are different, each has its own personality traits, both pleasant and not so. Husband and wife are two different parts of one whole. Work on yourself and the willingness to meet your loved one halfway will help to avoid mistakes and unnecessary quarrels, but they will give you a strong and happy relationship.

Particular attention is paid to inter-sex relations. This is confirmed by the folk art of the nation. A huge number of ditties, songs, proverbs are devoted specifically to the relationship between a woman and a man. For some, building a family and communicating with the opposite sex is elevated to an art degree. Let's talk about such a phenomenon as family psychology. Let's find out how important knowledge of its basic principles is for each of us.

Why is family psychology needed?

Quite often new concepts are heard. These are, for example, "family crisis and psychology" or "problems of the institution of marriage." This is due to the fact that these days you will not surprise anyone with divorce. Every year, fewer couples have been living together for more than 10 years. Therefore, the techniques of family psychologists are becoming so relevant and popular. For such courses, young (and not so) people grab hold of, like a straw in an ocean of problems and joint grievances. Why is it that the newlyweds who love and dream of joint happiness are not able to build harmonious, long-term relationships that bring happiness to both?

Before starting any business - be it a trip to the forest or a trip to another unknown country - everyone tries to thoroughly study the issue, learn all the subtleties and possible pitfalls. So it should be in family life. It should, but in reality it looks different. That is why family psychology (as the science of family relationships) is so important for every single individual. After all, many get married with:

• incomplete or not quite adequate self-image as a full-fledged partner;
• not entirely indicative examples of relationships among loved ones, relatives, acquaintances;
• ignorant behavior towards the opposite sex, etc.

What do family psychologists study?

Psychology deals with the study of interpersonal conflicts in the family. A family is a small social group based on the union of spouses, which provides for cohabitation and household management. The social unit is characterized by functions, dynamics and structure. Let's consider each characteristic in more detail.

Family functions

The family has a certain sphere of life processes, which is associated with some needs of each individual in the family circle. These are its main functions.

In psychology, there are classifications of family needs. There are three main ones:

• security;
• attachment;
• achievements.

American psychologist Abraham Maslow invented a whole pyramid of human needs, in which there are 7 main steps. We will consider family functions based on needs.

Upbringing

It consists in satisfying the mental maternal and paternal instincts of each of the spouses, as well as in raising children and self-realization in them.

Psychology begins with the individual needs of each member, but besides them there is also a society that dictates its own rules of behavior. A family that has children and brings them up, kind of socializes. After all, they are engaged in the educational process of a daughter or son, adults are raising a member of society. This function is very long-lasting, since it lasts from birth to adulthood, when the adult is able to give birth to offspring.

Economy and life

The main task of the household function is to please:

• basic needs: food, sleep, food;
• material goods: food, clothing, comfort items;
• the preservation of the health of the whole organism.

This function of family psychology also provides for the restoration of mental and physical resources that are spent on the performance of work.

Emotion exchange

Who is the family made of? From individuals capable of experiencing positive emotions for each other, which eventually develop into affection. The manifestations of such feelings are the experiences of one spouse in relation to the other, in the expression of certain emotions, which becomes a kind of rule. This turns into a necessity: to be understood, to be liked by a loved one, in mutual respect and the manifestation of tender feelings, love. In other words, the function of the exchange of emotions in family psychology, in which the husband and wife occupy the main positions, provides for an understanding of the definitions of feelings, the ability to experience and convey them.

Communication

The meaning of this function is the spiritual growth of each member of the family circle. This is achieved through communication, joint recreation and spending free time, cultural development. Thanks to the spiritual growth of each cell of the family, not only the growth of a single individual takes place, but society as a whole develops spiritually.

Control in society

The goal of any society is to help a person survive. This is achieved through the introduction of certain rules of behavior between individuals. This is where the control function arises.

The family in family psychology is considered as a small group in society. Not all members of such a group are able to adhere to social norms. Factors on which their inability depends:

1. Age (old age or vice versa - infancy). Parents are in control of their children and elderly family members.
2. Disability of one of the relatives. In this case, the control function is performed by the guardians.

Erotic

The function of eroticism in the psychology of family life predetermines the satisfaction of the sexual needs of the spouses, regulates their sexual behavior. Thanks to the ability to give offspring, the family develops into a genus, and then into a whole generation.

Every individual is born and dies. So, for each family group there is a date of foundation and disintegration. There are also stages of development.

Throughout life, the importance of some particular function becomes more, some - less. For example, at the initial stage, the sexual-erotic function comes to the fore, which is subsequently replaced by the educational one. In an older age, she goes to the second, or even the third plan, making room for the emotional or communicative.

A family is considered functional, which harmoniously combines the performance of all functions. If one of them is absent or its implementation is violated, the family acquires the status of dysfunctional. These are the changes that family psychology studies. The crises of family life consist in the disorder of functions and the task of the psychologist is to help all members of the family collective, and not to its specific individual. Since all functions are closely related to each other, in most cases it is necessary to disassemble not one of them, but a whole complex.

Family structuring

It consists in determining the number of family members, as well as the interactions between them. Structuring is closely related to functionality. For example, if a family breaks up, all functions are disrupted.

The basics of family psychology distinguish the following forms of families:

1. The nuclear family is fundamental. It is based on a triangle - two parents and a child. There are two generations of agents of this form. Distinguish between complete and incomplete nuclear families.
2. Extended. The principle of such a family collective is based on the unification of several generations of blood relatives under one roof. The most common example is living with grandparents.
3. A large family is of a hierarchical nature. The main principle is to unite different generations of blood relatives who are free from each other to conduct a common household. Such families must be headed by the figure of the patriarch. An example of such a family is a settlement in a village or small town, consisting of 3-5 houses, in which families of subsequent generations live. The patriarch under such circumstances is the parental family, which sets the temperament of the relations of the entire composition and exerts a dominant effect on all members.
4. A clan is a group of blood relatives who are not burdened by the rules of cohabitation. There may also be several leaders in such a family. A clear example of a clan is the Sicilian mafia.
5. Yard. This type of family was widespread in the 17-18 centuries, now it is a rather rare case. The yard family collective includes several tribes of the clan not connected by blood ties (maidservants, servants).

Family structure disruption also leads to various problems. The task of society is to harmonize and align the situation. This is possible in two ways:

• through psychics, dating services, religious leaders, etc .;
• through psychologists.

Dynamic growth

Each family unit has its own date of foundation, which begins on the day of the marriage. In family psychology, there are many different classifications of the stages of family existence, each of which has its own difficulties and crises, as well as options for overcoming them. Let's consider the main stages:

1. Young family (from 0 to 5 years of marriage). Its beginning lies in the conclusion of marriage and until the birth of the first child. The main task in such a family is the adaptation of two essentially alien people to each other, which consists in sexual adaptation and the initial accumulation of material wealth. At this stage, relationships with other families are also formed, values ​​and habits are formed, which are regulated by the ethics and psychology of family life. Psychologists say that this stage is most susceptible to divorce, since many young couples are not able to withstand strong emotional stress.
2. Minor children in the family. This stage lasts at least 18 years, since it involves the period from the birth of the first child to the release of the last adult child from the family. At this stage, the family team becomes mature. Household and educational functions come out on top. The most traumatic moment is the birth of a child. Men feel it especially keenly. After all, up to this moment, all the love of a woman-mother was given to them, and now it is distributed between the husband and the first-born, the distance between the spouses is increasing. The family is becoming stronger and more stable. The largest number of divorces occurs when a child is 2-5 years old.
3. The final one, which is based on the empty nest syndrome. Approximately 18-25 years of marriage open up a second family crisis. During this period, children enter adulthood, they form their own ego and worldview. Parents need to adapt and find new values. Often the conflict is reinforced by other complexes (loss of a career, a crisis of achievement, etc.). Spouses also adapt to new roles: grandparents begin to look at each other in a new way. There are problems of rejection of adult children, emotional exchange is disturbed. There is also a need for physical rest against the background of weakening health.

It is important to understand that building a family is a purposeful process that involves the conscious participation of all its members. For the harmonious coexistence of different people under one roof, it is necessary for all participants in this process to work in one direction and appreciate each other.

Each family is a changing structure that obeys certain laws. The life cycle of a family is a series of events and stages inherent in any family. What is characteristic of this or that period of life together? The first stage is the meeting of the future spouses and the courtship period. A married couple without children In order to successfully start a family life, a couple needs to achieve emotional maturity and financial independence, to resolve issues of planning children. ...

Remarriage

In our society, remarriage is a frequent occurrence. Gone are the days when divorce was harshly condemned by society. The economy and culture are structured in such a way that the disintegration of the family no longer leaves women "out of the water" of society. Women work, are able to provide for themselves, children and are financially independent from men. Which makes a second marriage for a woman quite an achievable reality. This gives both partners more independence. Therefore, if the relationship in the first marriage is not ...

The relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law

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Family diagnostics

It so happens that a family or one of its members turns to a family psychologist with a certain difficulty or a specific question. This means that the family already knows what the problem is, what has become a stumbling block in the relationship. Then the psychologist advises on a specific request and helps to correct the situation. But what if there are problems in the family, and the reason for them is unclear? Both spouses and their children, other family members sincerely want to improve relations, but something is not ...

Premarital counseling

Most often, before marriage, both people intending to start a family already had a relationship experience. We watched how the families of their parents and acquaintances were built. They drew conclusions and decided what of these methods of interaction and life rules would be taken into their family without changes, and what would not. We built our own premarital relationship. And not without reason they consider themselves prepared for family life. That's right, there are reasons to consider ourselves ready to create a family. If we...

Cheating wife to husband

Quite often, women turn to our psychologists for consultations with complaints that their husband does not respect them. Disrespect can manifest itself in many ways, from not showing signs of attention and making big decisions without discussing with your spouse to insults and partying with friends until midnight. But remember, was there respect when you first met your husband, during the first meetings and romantic courtship? Most likely it was, otherwise you would not have married your spouse. Where ...

How to build relationships with your husband

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How to build relationships with your mother-in-law

Mothers often do not find common language with their sons' spouses. Misunderstanding, enmity, rivalry occur for a number of reasons, but the key one lies in the all-consuming mother's love and attitude towards the child as to her property. It is difficult to part with someone in whom so much effort has been invested and whom you have loved for a long time. Especially if the mother did not have time to enjoy the fruits of her "labor" (academic success, career growth, son's well-being) and receive ...

How to teach a husband to respect his wife

Often women turn to psychologists with complaints that their husband does not respect them. Disrespect can be manifested in different ways - lack of attention, insults, or even physical violence. But remember, when you first met your husband, during the period of the first meetings and romantic courtship, was there any respect on his part? Most likely it was, otherwise you would hardly have married your spouse. Where did it go? Let's figure it out together - how does it appear ...

How to survive a divorce

Take a look around! Every third or fourth marriage of your acquaintances, work colleagues or friends ended in divorce. In this situation, there are no right and no guilty. This happened for a number of reasons. You should not torture yourself and blame that this happened to you. There is nothing shameful or embarrassing here. You don't have to make excuses to anyone for what happened. The pain still does not leave you, there is disappointment in a loved one, loss of trust in the world and confusion, sad ...

How to forgive treason

Adultery is one of the most common causes of divorce. Many people do not forgive their loved ones for infidelity, which leads to a break in the relationship. At the same time, very often the family breaks up, despite the preserved mutual feelings, the presence of common interests and joint plans. This ending can be avoided by understanding the nature of infidelity and knowing how to cope with cheating. Family psychologists say that adultery is almost never unreasonable. Betrayal of one ...

How to solve family problems

As you know, a person can cope with almost any troubles at work, as long as he has understanding and trust in the family. But what if the family ceases to be a "reliable home front"? In this article, you will find some tips to help you properly respond to family problems, no matter what they concern - relationships with your spouse, children or close relatives. Other materials of our portal will help you to understand the situation - ...

How to keep a family and build relationships

Every married couple has difficult periods: quarrels over trifles, alienation and coldness, misunderstanding. People who want to preserve their marriage try in every possible way to improve family relationships using a variety of methods. What methods are most effective? There can be no universal, suitable for absolutely everyone, advice in this regard, since every family is unique. Much depends on the "experience" and the type of family, the presence or absence of children, the characteristics of the prevailing ...

How to leave your husband

Russia is among the world leaders in the number of broken marriages. Moreover, in about 75% of cases, women initiate divorce. They often turn to relatives, acquaintances, social workers or psychologists with the question “how to leave my husband” because of domestic violence, spouse's alcoholism or infidelity. According to the Moscow State University, four-fifths of Russian women have experienced domestic violence. Read more about this issue in the article on Domestic Violence. More than 2 million ...

Family life crises

Starting a family life, most couples are happy, filled with bright hopes and are confident that this will always be so. And if not, then even better. Few people during this period pay attention to the warnings of psychologists that relationships are not only joy, but also work. Sometimes a relationship is sadness, it’s the difficulty in accepting the other for who they are, it’s anger or resentment and guilt. Happy but few people who were ready for such experiences rarely ...

Violence in family

Unfortunately, domestic violence is fairly common. More often, women who seek help in this difficult life situation turn to psychologists with such a problem. Violence can be both physical and moral - both create an unbearable atmosphere in the family, from which both adults and children suffer. In this article we will try to figure out what to do if violence occurs in your family. Physical violence. If your husband even sometimes raises his hand against you or ...

Why wives cheat

Little is said about female infidelity. The Internet is full of articles about the reasons and signs of betrayal of husbands, about how a woman can survive it. And few people think: what about a man who has been cheated on by his wife? Let's correct this injustice and consider one of the most common questions that husbands ask psychologists in such cases. Why do wives cheat? The reasons for cheating on a wife actually fall into several broad categories. And depending on this category, you should ...

Why men cheat on their wives

One of the most curious question that interests many women is why men cheat on their wives? It would seem that the house is a full cup, a beautiful and clever spouse, but the husband is still there ... What pushes the representatives of the stronger sex to betrayal? What factors are decisive? The most common reasons for cheating are: Lack of impressions Inattention on the part of the wife Wife's pregnancy Domestic problems Conflicts in the family and at work Excessive use ...

Signs of cheating wife

Very often men turn to a psychologist in a state of anxiety. Something goes wrong in their family life, and they begin to suspect that the reason for this is that the wife has another man. Since they have no confidence in what has happened, they cannot do anything. But he also fails to live in peace - a man anxiously looks for signs of his wife's betrayal in everything - both where they are and where they are not. This article is about how to find out if your wife is cheating ...

Signs of cheating on her husband

Often women turn to family psychologists who suspect that their husband is cheating on them. Of course, this situation is very unpleasant, it causes anxiety and a natural feeling of anxiety. But are these suspicions always justified? Let's try to figure it out together - how to recognize a husband's infidelity, and what to do if there are signs of infidelity. Signs of her husband's betrayal. First of all, the signs of a husband's infidelity are sudden changes in his behavior. They can be divided into several ...

Modern marriages are increasingly ending in divorce. This is due not only to economic progress, thanks to which the family ceased to be a way of survival: a girl can provide for herself, and a man can arrange a personal life. The birth of children out of wedlock or an incomplete family is no longer condemned by society, and the procedure for divorce is simpler than ever. Therefore, the psychology of family relations as a science that considers the problems of the family, as well as ways to preserve it, has become especially relevant.

Stages of development of family relations between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises, conflicts are as much of it as love or respect. Any development is inconceivable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be ready for changes. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

1. Falling in love or "candy-bouquet" period. This is the time when a man and a woman are trying to conquer each other and, being influenced by passion, tend to idealize, have high expectations for family life. The flaws of the second half are either not noticed at all, or are perceived biasedly. A significant role is assigned to external data, demeanor, social status of the partner.
2. Addictive or lapping. The couple has been living together for some time, and the priorities, life values ​​and interests of each come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two in a position of confrontation, quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
3. Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time comes for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, since a compromise in the family is achieved in different ways (equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each of the spouses chooses and plays a role that suits everyone to one degree or another.
4. Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion, become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions on previous ones. The spouses get tired of each other, lose their meaning in the continuation of family relationships, begin to look for adventures on the side.
5. Mature family. If a man and a woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for meaningful family relationships, which do not always rest on love. Often, the cement of such relations is mutual respect, the experience of jointly overcoming difficulties, common interests (including material ones), as well as the fear of loneliness.

Family crises

The crisis in family life is an inevitable transition to a new round of relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and take responsibility if there is a goal to save the family. Experts distinguish several periods of family relationships:

• The first year of family life - there is a formation and establishment of the internal and external boundaries of the family, grinding in the characters and habits of men and women.
• From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into a friendship or a habit.
• From the 7th to the 9th year - the children grew up, everything "settled down". Fatigue from each other appears, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that have not been realized.
• From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from their parental family, their career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is not clear where to move on. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of family relationships. Occasionally, a banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to have pleasure "here and now" exceeds the feeling of family duty to his wife) becomes the cause of a man's spree. However, much more often, factors such as:

• sexual frustration or boredom in bed;
• lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one's attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
• lack of spiritual closeness, mental loneliness, when "there is no one to talk to";
• violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
• tense situation in the family, the need for psychological relaxation, the need to relieve stress;
• need for protection: the family is not behind, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything necessary in family relations (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and moral rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is capable of forgiving betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family is always the work of a man and a woman, because in order to build trusting close relationships and preserve the marriage for many years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships is that you should not try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic, it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Family psychologists provide the following tips for those looking to keep their families together:

• show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
• do not try to remake the soul mate - this is pressure that will sooner or later be accepted with hostility;
• do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is different;
• do not be silent about the problems that worry you (your soul mate, most likely, does not know what is in your head, and playing in silence is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychologists advise you to remember:

• no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
• say only what you were going to say (specify);
• restrain emotions (an offensive word spoken in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
• be able to forgive.

Video: why does a conflict appear in marriage?

Understanding the psychology of family conflict is the first step towards resolving it. By watching this video, you will learn about the psychological background of difficulties in the family. The point of view and advice of specialists will tell you how to understand a partner during a crisis period, what to do to successfully overcome conflicts in family relationships.