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Hatred of the mother and her influence on psychological individuation. Hates daughter

Mother and daughter - can there be two more dear people in the world? These are two girlfriends who will always support each other. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sometimes a mother is annoyed by a growing child. Moreover, in some cases, she herself cannot understand why. And it also happens that the mother hates her daughter, often blaming herself for the feelings she feels. Let's figure out why this is happening and what to do.

Daughters-mothers

Most often, the attitude of a mother to a child is an example of quivering love. The very one, pure and light, to which everyone is so striving. And it seems all the more strange if the mother hates her daughter. Most often this applies specifically to girls; relations with boys often develop more smoothly.

Sometimes this feeling of irritation and hostility manifests itself towards a newborn child, in other cases it develops as it grows and develops. But in any case, it breaks the life of the woman herself and her child. If the mother hates her daughter, this is a reason to consult a psychologist and psychotherapist. Usually the reasons lie deep in the unconscious, and it is difficult to dig them out on your own.

Ancestral curse

This concept is used by all kinds of healers, psychics and magicians. But if you look at it, then it is more than real. If the mother hates her daughter, she gives her a distorted picture and a pattern of intra-family relations. She will grow up, get married and continue the baton.

Psychologically distorted by our parents, we will, unwittingly, ruin the lives of our own children. And there is only one way out - to go to psychotherapy. Work out your own problems, do not pass them on to children.

Postpartum depression

This concept is very deeply understood in psychology. Why does a mother hate her baby daughter? This is a difficult question, and this state of affairs does not like the woman herself, frightens others and harms the child. It is clear that something needs to be done about this.

Being pregnant, every woman dreams of how she will take care of the born baby. But the ceremonial discharge from the hospital is over, and the role of the mother causes only dissatisfaction. Moreover, the need to look after a baby is annoying. A young mother wants to leave, hide somewhere and not see anyone. Someone begins to think that this child would not be better.

Does this mean that she is a bad mother? Not at all. Then why does a mother hate her daughter? It's all about postpartum depression. It develops for three reasons:

  • - Decreased estrogen levels. This leads to apathy and irritability.
  • - Lack of sleep and fatigue. All young mothers face this. But if the nervous system is stable, then it goes away without any particular consequences. But for women prone to depression, the regimen is very important, as it helps to maintain a normal state. At the birth of a child, all rhythms and modes go astray, hence everything is in black tones, and depression firmly takes its position.
  • - Often the expectant mother sees everything in pink. How she brings home a beautiful bundle, how happy everyone is. But in reality it turns out that this bundle only does what it screams. And looking happy after a sleepless week is extremely difficult. Early failures and lack of experience can create feelings of inadequacy.

What can be done

In fact, this condition can be corrected quite easily. But you may need the help of relatives, and sometimes a specialist. A young mother needs to get enough sleep and be outside. Then the condition will gradually return to normal. To do this, she needs a housekeeper who will take care of the laundry, cleaning and other matters. As a rule, grandmother becomes like that.

In addition, you need to learn to relate to yourself correctly. Not everyone is born ready for hardships and hardships. Sometimes a young mother can be pulled back by more experienced ones, they say, "we raised three without help, we also ran to work at night." It is worth answering such attacks that your health allowed you, and the children were calmer. This does not mean that you should act in the same way, if the situation is the opposite, then we advise you to read this article: http://fb.ru/article/318041/psihologiya-nenaviju-svoyu-mat.

Relationship with a teenager

A mother who hates her daughter is not a sick person, but a person with a big wound in her soul. Sometimes she inflicts no less suffering on the child, sometimes she diligently masks her feelings, trying to be “good” in public. Very often, the problem arises in infancy. The child feels ambivalent feelings directed at him, and a protest is laid in him. As he grows up, he becomes more “comfortable”, and the mother gradually changes her attitude.

But with renewed vigor, relations in adolescence escalate. All these years, the girl studied diligently, tried to earn love and recognition. And suddenly everything turns upside down. And now she does not recognize any restrictions, openly declares a boycott and refuses to comply with the requirements. And if you forbid pleasure, then throws tantrums.

Psychologists find a lot of reasons why a mother hates her daughter. In this case, the woman feels humiliated and insulted. Moreover, she sees her powerlessness, experiences feelings of guilt, anger and despair. And of course, the source of all this negativity is sitting in front of her. Here I just want the girl to feel as bad as her mother. But at the same time, the daughter strenuously defends her rights.

What to do

If a daughter hates her mother, it may be a mirror image of her own attitude. Of course, these moments are not always realized, but nothing changes from this. In healthy family relationships, children grow up as harmonious personalities, with a normal attitude towards their parents. They do not honor the mother for the goddess, but give her due.

This is a difficult stage on the path of growing up a child. Moms are people too, they can just get tired of their daughter's antics. We tend to forget how we ourselves behaved in adolescence, so it becomes even more difficult to understand the child. To build relationships, both need to act. This usually requires the help of a third party, preferably a psychologist:

  • - Daughters need to understand that the mother is also a person. With your mood. And of course, try to explain your behavior.
  • - A mother needs to learn to talk to her daughter, share her feelings and listen to her. Necessarily without interrupting to the end. You need to listen without angry shouts, without insults, even if you do not like what your daughter is saying.
  • - To make it easier to communicate, try to do something together. Sign up for a dance or gym, glass painting or cactus farming. The main thing is that it should be interesting to both. Then there will be many topics for conversation.

Relationship with an adult daughter

Conflicts are not uncommon in this case as well. It would seem that the child has grown, it is already necessary to forget about all the disagreements and just enjoy the conversation. Moreover, now she also has a lot of her own affairs and worries, so it becomes problematic to spend the whole day together. But conflicts between them are very common. Why does a mother hate her grown daughter? There can be many reasons:

  • - The daughter is perceived as a little girl. There may be several reasons for this. This is the fear that the girl will grow up and leave. And my mother constantly proves to her that she is stupid, does not know how to do anything and must listen to advice. There is also another option. The mother is afraid of old age and death, so she suppresses her daughter's natural desire to grow up. As long as she stays young, mom will be young.
  • - The views on the life of a girl who is already 20 or 30 years old can be very different from those of a mother. This applies to the choice of profession and life partner. And the reason for this is usually the mother's unfulfilled dreams. Through children, parents try to bring to life what they failed to do. That is, the mother is trying to make her daughter happy, the way she wanted to be. But the tragedy is that she has her own ideas about happiness. This generates conflict and mutual hatred.
  • - Competition with the daughter. And this is also the case. Why do mothers hate their daughters? Because they are young, beautiful, loved and successful. That is why they try to show every time in word and deed that they can do everything much better. This is usually observed in those women for whom, in childhood, other children were taken as an example. This mechanism has been entrenched for many years.
  • - Clarification of relations and making claims. The reason is this: at one time, my mother obeyed her parents and refused her own desires. This is what she expects from her child. Basically, it is based on the desire for recognition and gratitude. Once she sacrificed a lot for her daughter. And now she could spend time with her mother, and not go on a date.

Daughter's mistakes

What if my daughter hates her mother? First of all, understand your own misconceptions and mistakes:

  • - Often a daughter either plays along with her mother, or tries to fight for her rights. Understand that you are two grown women, and there is absolutely nothing to share.
  • - The desire to change your mother. A completely useless occupation, this is an adult and cannot be remade.
  • - Punishment of the mother. In retaliation for childhood grievances.

Constructive solution

For peace to reign in the family, there is a lot of work to be done for both of them. The mother must understand that the daughter has already grown up and can make decisions on her own. The daughter also needs to realize that she is an adult person and does not need to aggressively prove it. Find each interesting activity to live your own life, not someone else's. Remember that everyone has their own opinion, and stop challenging other views. Instead, start taking an interest in each other. Both the daughter and the mother need to stop comparing themselves to another. Learn to be happy for each other without trying to prove your superiority.

This article is about teenage daughters, since the topic of mother-daughter relationship is so great that it will require not one article, but a library to reveal it. But teenage hatred is strong and hurts the mother so much that today we will talk specifically about young teenage daughters.I will not cite here the letters of mothers who were hated by their child: believe me, they are all alike and the words "creature", "bastard" and "prostitute" in them are not the worst ones yet. Rather, at first glance, the letters are different, but only the names and financial situation are different, but in the main the situation repeats itself with a sad pattern: the daughter hates the mother, and the mother does not understand why and does not know what to do with it.

It is difficult to advise anything here, because you need to deal with each specific case, but still there are general patterns that you need to know. Only one condition: read and think about what you read well, because in human relations you cannot work with an ax, here you need to be able to see yourself from the outside and rethink many familiar dogmas. So, let's take a typical situation: the mother does not understand why she did this and what she did wrong. But her daughter's picture is completely different: she has a whole chest of claims ready for a long time, she knows perfectly well what her mother is to blame, openly and deliberately declares that she hates her, and she can talk about the reasons for such an attitude as much as she likes, because these reasons are always many.

If a mother raised her daughter alone, it is all the more offensive to her to hear the reproaches of her 15-year-old beauty, who will remind her that she had no rollers, no set-top boxes, no decent phone, no laptop, no expensive beautiful clothes. And in what her mother bought her, it was a shame to appear in front of friends, and she even turned off the shameful cheap phone and hid it in her bag so that no one could see it. Do you think this is the reason for hate? How naive you are! What are you, this is only a small part.So, you didn't buy her beautiful things, she was constantly ashamed in front of her peers. But where were you all the time she was growing up? As where, at work, of course, they earned on this cheapest phone. Where was the girl while you were away? In kindergarten, then at school, and so that the child does not hang out on the street, her grandmother looked after her. This child is your everything. In addition, as a child, she was sick and you have not forgotten how you spent whole nights at her bed. Yes, and you did not have a personal life, because all your thoughts were directed to how the child was there, what she was doing. You hurried home, and in the evening you cooked dinner and did your homework with her, instead of lying on the couch in the spa. Of course, if there was a man who, with a light movement of his hand, would eliminate all your material problems, and even love you madly, and even accept your daughter as his own ... You would, of course. did not refuse ... But for some reason such people were not found. I would tell you why, but we have a different topic today.

So, let's sum up the debit-credit: you didn't buy her what she wanted, you showed up at home late, talked mainly about lessons, and at the same time you were always alone. The latter is especially important: it means that you were not quoted in the love market. Even when they were younger. What to talk about now ... And don't be jarred by the word« market» if you think that it does not exist, and young beautiful women have the same demand as the old and sick, I feel sorry for you.And if you were not alone and had a hectic personal life, you will still be to blame.. This means that men are dearer to you than your own daughter. Now about my grandmother, it's her turn. What did the grandmother say to the child when she was little? Did your authority support or did it all boil down to "Mom has her own business, but I really love you, my sun"? If so, then everything becomes clear. The version "Mom doesn't need me" is firmly embedded in her consciousness. Your teenage daughter does not yet know what the earned ruble is, but he knows very well when these rubles are not enough. By the way, there are no less offenses in rich families. She does not remember how you sat at night near her crib, but she perfectly remembers how you constantly pestered with lessons.

You, who does not have a crowd of fans, has no right to pry into her personal life and ask where she is going and with whom. She thinks so. And you think that all these boys will not bring it to good and it is too early for her to think about it. Plus you don't like boys., you are afraid and do not trust them, motivating it by the fact that "they all need only one thing." And your daughter just really likes the boys, i.e. and in this you do not understand her. In addition, at the age of three years, any child goes through the stage of separation, i.e. separation from the mother. This refers to moral and psychological independence, hence, by the way, and frequent conflicts at the age of three. Rather, every child must go through this stage., but not everyone succeeds. If you took great care of your daughter, without noticing it, you constantly gave her hyper-custody along with love, then the stage passed with age, and the child never learned to project life events onto himself and be responsible for his actions. What for? If there is a mother who will always come running and decide and do everything, why think for herself?And to blame the mother for everything is a consequence of all of the above. Yes, and you, I think, in all honesty, have grievances against your mother.

You see, your child simply does not know how to appreciate what he has. Do you know many adults who know how to do this? There are only a few such people, you yourself know that very well. If your daughter did not have a mother at all, was brought up in an orphanage, and then found a mother, she would appreciate you. Orphanage children are often ready to forgive even the fact that they were brutally abandoned, if only there was a mother. Your not knowing life, a young rude girl, hung all your sins on you and accused you of everything possible. And now you don't feel like coming home. You would be happy to talk to her, but she does not need it, she does not make contact and the relationship is chronically alienated.

Leave her alone. Do not meddle with attempts to have a heart-to-heart conversation if she does not need it. She did not go through the three-year period of independence, but she is going through it now. Do something for her only if she asks: no one needs your generous helpfulness. Stop sorting things out in general, and, most importantly, stop making excuses. Tell her that she is largely right, but you are not and openly offer to end this conversation, which does not bring anything but tears and resentment.. Stop telling her that you are her only one and the greatest value in her life is you.Now she has completely different values. Tell yourself that life goes on and in this life you no longer need it as much as before, no matter how much you want it. You live together, but as if apart, and it hurts you. How are you going to live when she gets married? Or do you not want to let her go? I know such cases, they all end very sadly. Peace to you, love and good relations with your daughter!

How does this relationship come about? My mother gave birth to me at 23, married, but already when I was 2 years old, a divorce. And she was almost constantly brought up by my grandmother (dad's mom). I am 3 years old, my mother finds a man, he doesn’t love me, I am 7 years old, a brother was born, I am needed in the family only as a nanny, cook, cleaning lady, because of this I study poorly, I am 11 years old, a sister is born. And again I am in the role of a nanny and already have two children. Constant reproaches in my direction, beatings, punishments, clothes - what my neighbors, relatives gave, and EVERYTHING to the younger ones. I am 14 years old, my own dad died, two months later my grandmother, now I was left alone, my stepfather began to drink a lot, my mother blamed me for all mortal sins. I am 16 years old, I got pregnant (I understand perfectly well, it’s my own fault), my mother kicked me out of the house. I worked, studied, gave birth to a son, like my mother even met me from the hospital, everything was fine in public. The child is 6 months old - I am obliged to go to work and support myself, the child must be sent to an orphanage (according to my mother). I didn’t agree, I even left the city. Now I am 32 years old and for all these years our mother has not improved relations, no matter how hard I try, she constantly demands material assistance from me so that I pay for her apartment, because I am registered there and my child is registered. I am constantly renting a house and this fact does not bother her. I owe her that she gave birth to me, but do I need such a life ... Now she is a disabled person of the 1st group and cannot be alone, my younger sister takes care of her (already married, the son is 2 years old), my younger brother is sitting in prison (second time). It would seem that now everyone has already been punished, but she does not exist, nor does she want to admit that I am also her daughter. Hatred is in everything. She tries to write me and my child out, doesn’t let me into the doorway, but she tells all neighbors and acquaintances what kind of eldest grandson she has - she plays football, studies well, but her daughter doesn’t travel, she can’t get married. tried to build a relationship, she always intermeddle and made intrigues). Now I have a very difficult period, I underwent a difficult operation when I was in intensive care, my mother called and yelled at me that my son had come to her and said that I was in the hospital, but at home all the food was out, I was left to blame. I can’t understand why she has such hatred for me, she constantly criticizes me, about work, clothes, men, everything ... Why did she give birth to me at all? I once told her that my life was on her conscience, to which she replied that I had to thank her, that she gave birth to me. And what should I thank her for? It's better to have no mother at all than to have one ... How can I improve relations with my mother ?, I really miss her.

The relationship between mother and child has been praised many times in literature and cinema. It seems that every woman is ready to give literally everything for the happiness of her baby. However, there are sad exceptions to the rules that turn into real hatred between the parent and her heiress.

Why does a mother hate her own daughter, and what are the true reasons for such conflicts?

Reasons for hatred between mother and daughter

Psychologists note that tensions between different generations of the same family can be caused by a variety of reasons. Which of them are the most common?

A psychologist is unlikely to be able to get to the bottom of the truth without knowing all the ins and outs of this story. Often the reasons for hatred must be sought in the distant past. Perhaps the woman did not love the man from whom she became pregnant and, looking at her daughter, she sees the same person.

Perhaps the mother did not want to have a child, and therefore cannot get rid of negative feelings towards him in any way.

Quarrels and conflicts between relatives are often dictated by elementarily different views on life. Thus, a mother sees her daughter as a successful lawyer who is married to a rich man. The girl herself chooses the profession of an artist and marries a low-income lover. As a result, a conflict is born, which develops into open confrontation and even hatred.

Sometimes such a negative feeling is not at all what it seems. So, excessive love of a parent can look negative. For example, a woman who wants to see her daughter as a clever and beautiful woman will restrict her in communicating with an inappropriate company, impose her views on her appearance or behavior. Conflict in such a situation is inevitable, but it is dictated by love, not hatred.

Building a mother-daughter relationship

Why a mother hates her daughter, a psychologist can find out only when dealing with both women. Also, a specialist is able to give advice on how to resolve the conflict, but their effectiveness depends solely on the relatives themselves.

Here are just a few principles that will help in normalizing relations:

As in the resolution of any other conflicts, elementary dialogue comes first. The mother should talk to her daughter about her emotions, while remembering to explain the reason for them.

The daughter also needs to voice major grievances by telling her mother how they affect their relationship. If women are not able to harmoniously communicate in private, you can connect a psychologist to the dialogue, who will help resolve the conflict like a professional.

It is imperative that the family members spend more time together. They can go to the theater, to the cinema, to meet with friends together. Such communication will help to overcome psychological stress and find common topics for conversation. If the ladies see each other once every couple of months, then their meetings are sure to be painted in alarming notes.

And another important, immutable truth is the absence of protracted conflicts. Even if the mother has somehow offended her child, you need to show wisdom and enter into a dialogue. Yes, for this you will have to step over pride, but the protracted conflict will not develop into a global and long-term confrontation.

Psychological games that will help in overcoming conflicts

"Why does my mother hate me?" Psychological isolation turns into the fact that parents seem unapproachable and cold to their own children. In such a situation, the psychologist can resort to a funny game. Its essence lies in the fact that the daughter and mother hugged for 3-5 minutes without uttering a word.

This kind of affection will help both competently express their feelings and avoid unnecessary tension.

Another exercise that psychologists often resort to is retelling fond memories. Mom and daughter should take turns talking about those tender and bright events that are associated with each other. It can be family holidays, joint vacations. Talking about all this, relatives will come to the conclusion that they really love each other.

Such an exercise helps to realize how great the connection between mother and child really is, forgetting for a while about minor grievances.

Psychologists can resort to another effective way of awakening the senses - using the power of art. Watching touching films about the relationship between mother and daughter together, reading literary works on this topic together - all this will help to understand how important family relationships are.

If these methods do not help, the psychologist may resort to shock therapy. Its essence is that the specialist forces the mother and daughter to take turns presenting the death of a relative and their speech at the funeral. This painful way of dealing with conflicts effectively opens up old wounds. As a result, the mother and daughter understand that their negativity towards each other is insignificant and unfounded, and the spiritual connection is much more important than tiny grievances.

During such a dialogue, women can express all the claims of each other. All that remains is to analyze them and draw appropriate conclusions. Also, the psychologist may ask the mother to imagine that she never had a daughter. Analyzing her future without a child, a woman is sure to realize how important these relationships are for her. A similar technique, backed by sincere repentance, often bears fruit, helping the ladies to get rid of mutual claims.

Yes, relations between relatives are not always touching. Often mother and daughter do not communicate for years, and when they begin to do so, they immediately enter into open confrontation. However, psychologists are sure that any conflict between mother and daughter can be resolved with competent psychological support. The spiritual connection in this case is extremely strong, and no forces can destroy it in the bud.

Elizaveta, Ramenskoye

My daughter also hates me since childhood. She was a terribly obstinate child. Under the huge influence of exA I have centuries. They blamed me for all the misfortunes of their son (formerly mine) and hammered my daughter into the head. It's my stupidity that I gave them my daughter for weekends and vacations. Returned from there such a stranger. She didn't perceive me as a mother. I didn’t try for me, didn’t regret it if I felt bad. I climbed out of the skin so that we had everything. I ruined my health, just not to need anything. She was 19 years old - she finally spoke out and then on the phone that no such mother wanted. And how bad she is with me. I cried so much. And I made such sacrifices to educate her. She didn't care. Walked. Sorry, I fucked up my studies. And I paid a lot of money. No one helped me with a penny. I restored it and again the same rake - I dropped out of school. On the day of defending my diploma, I found myself in bed with my future son-in-law. I was so stressed. Good. Gave her in marriage. She left the apartment. The apartment was overgrown with debts. And I was building, stretching, my future husband helped with money and the wedding, by the way, was played at his expense. Neither my daughter nor my son-in-law helped me at all in the house. It got to the point that I was going to get married. I sold the house. I gave the money to my future husband. How many pritenzy dried up because of the money, horror. She went abroad to her future husband. For a long time brought me to my senses. Got married. I went and sold the apartment and decided to take half of the money from the apartment. If they were people, everyone would be given away. She left. Happy in marriage. The husband is gold. After a while, they were found in the internet. Communicated. I sent them money. Everything seemed to be going fine. in 2014 the war in Donbass. They dragged them (already three) to Poland. We immediately broke off, went (1600 km) and took us from the camp. So much was brought and not only for them (they helped several more families), they rented an apartment. We bought everything that was missing. They helped them for 2 years. Experienced every important moment in their life. I was horrified how worried about how they are there, what they have, whether they will receive a status or a residence permit. Every news is such nerves. And my husband and I are making plans to be one family, we would give them everything, for their sake. And then suddenly my husband's remark to his son-in-law crossed everything out. Just one stroke. He just offered to try to talk to his son-in-law in Polish. In response, a checkmate on the mat and without letting my daughter talk, turned off Skype. I call - there is no answer. Writing. No answer. I am writing to my son-in-law, and he, the last boor, wrote this .... I began to write to shame. Daughter zero reaction. After 3 months, a call to home. First, half a minute daughter, and then son-in-law screaming and again obscenities that everything is just superb, and without us they can cope and fuck they don't need our loans and all that. .. I wrote to my daughter that I don’t want to listen to screams, obscenities, that I didn’t deserve such rudeness and that I don’t want to know them with such behavior. And me after a nervous breakdown. Only from the hospital. Nerves are generally kaput. And then the answer from the daughter-rubbish. That I'm a stupid mother. That I lost them. What my granddaughter doesn't like after what I wrote to her, but wrote that she too is selfish, like her mother in connection with the fact that neither my husband in April nor me in May congratulated me on his birthday. Then he writes that there could be no scandal, that I started. So that I no longer write and at the end: - "bitch go to ... Live for yourself and for the sake of ... Good luck scum." After that, I was crying senile. Inside, the whole soul has decayed. Heart burned out. My hand began to be taken away. There is no day that I don’t think about it all. How painful it is to realize that your own daughter is such a cruel, soulless, terrible person. Never in my life asked for forgiveness. I have no idea what I'm going through. How it hurts me. Such an impression that it is even a pleasure for her, brings her joy every my suffering. She didn't let me be a mommy, loving, caring and grandmother now. But I have only one. I was afraid to give birth to a drunkard, her father, children more. But she no longer has anyone.