I realized that my mother does not love me. What to do if mom doesn't love you. "Mom never loved me." What do unloved daughters face? Excessive sensitivity, "thin skin

Such girls then make the same mistakes in relationships, without realizing the reason. That's why, please watch what you tell your kids!

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"Mom doesn't love me!"

Daughters who grew up with the knowledge that they are not loved emotional wounds remain, which largely determine their future relationships and how they build their lives.

Most importantly, the daughter's need for maternal love does not disappear. even after she realizes it's impossible.

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This need continues to live in her heart, along with the terrible realization of the fact that the only person who should love her unconditionally, simply because she is in the world, does not. It sometimes takes a lifetime to deal with this feeling.

What is fraught with mother's dislike?

The saddest thing is that sometimes, having already matured, girls do not know the reason for their failures and believe that they themselves are to blame for all the problems.

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1. Lack of self-confidence

Unloved daughters of unloving mothers don't know they are worthy of attention, in their memory there was no feeling that they were loved at all.

The girl could grow up, getting used day after day only to the fact that she was not heard, ignored, or, even worse, she was closely watched and criticized at every step.

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Even if she has obvious talents and achievements, they don't give her confidence. Even if she has a soft and docile nature, she continues to sound in her head the mother's voice, which she perceives as her own,- she is a bad daughter, ungrateful, she does everything out of spite, "who has grown into, others have children like children" ...

Many, already in adulthood, say that they have the feeling that they are “deceiving people” and that their talents and character are fraught with some kind of flaw.

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2. Lack of trust in people

It always seemed strange to me why someone wants to be friends with me, I began to think if there was some benefit behind this.

Such thoughts arise from a general sense of the unreliability of the world., which is experienced by a girl whose mother sometimes brings her closer to herself, then pushes her away.

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She will continue to require constant confirmation that feelings and relationships can be trusted, that the next day she will not be pushed away.

And as adults, they crave emotional storms, ups and downs, breaks and sweet reconciliations. True love for them is an obsession, an all-consuming passion, witchcraft, jealousy and tears.

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Calm trusting relationships seem to them either unrealistic(they just can't believe it happens) or boring. A simple, non-"demonic" man, most likely, will not attract their attention.

3. Difficulties in defending their own boundaries

Many of those who grew up in an environment of cold indifference or constant criticism and unpredictability say that they constantly felt the need for maternal affection, but at the same time they realized that they did not know any of the ways to get it.

What caused a favorable smile today may be rejected tomorrow with irritation.

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And already as adults, they continue to look for a way to appease partners or friends, to avoid repeating that motherly coldness at any cost.

In addition to the difficulty of establishing healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, daughters of unloving mothers often have problems with friendships.

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4. Avoidance as a defensive reaction and as a life strategy

A girl who felt maternal dislike in childhood, somewhere in the depths of her soul feels fear: “I don’t want to be offended again.”

For her, the world is made up of potentially dangerous men., among which in some unknown way you need to find your own.

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6. Excessive sensitivity, "thin skin"

It is also difficult for daughters so unloved in childhood to cope with their emotions, after all, they did not have the experience of unconditional acceptance of their value, which allows them to stand firmly on their feet.

7. Search for maternal relationships in relationships with men

We're attached to what we know which is part of our childhood, whatever it may be.

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It was only years later that I realized that my husband treated me the same way as my mother, and I myself chose him. Even the first words that he said to me to get to know each other were: “You yourself came up with this way to knit this scarf? Take it off. " Then it seemed to me very funny and original.

Why are we talking about this now, when we have already grown up?

Not to throw in despair those cards that fate has dealt us. Everyone has their own.

And in order to understand how we act and why. And in relation to their children as well.

Prepared by Maria Malygina

Not often and not everyone will think that a mother may not love her own child. Much more often maternal love is presented as something not subject to any conditions, something absolute and even divine. Many believe that maternal love is the same for all women, that a mother will not only understand and support any of her children, but also forgive for the most serious crime. It seems that nothing in the world is stronger than the love of a mother. However, this is not always true, and not all mothers love their children the same. \ R \ n \ r \ nAll social ideas about life and people have always been based on maternal love, and if not lucky, then on maternal dislike. Usually, conflicts between mothers and children occur due to the fact that children do not agree with how their own mother loves them. In turn, mothers are also not always able to correctly assess the degree and quality of their love for children. \ R \ n \ r \ nOver time, grown-up daughters also suffer from discomfort and lack of maternal love and attention. Sometimes this affects their future destiny and how they build their relationships with the people around them. Critical mothers can find fault with their children, most often daughters, throughout their adult lives. They are trying to educate adult children who already have children of their own. And then these same mothers complain about the small amount of attention their children give them. \ R \ n \ r \ n \ r \ n

Why doesn't mom love?

A very destructive theorem, especially if the opposite is true. But think of it this way: could you tell her about yourself? This is not true? Then it only means - he doesn't love you. It is usually on the agenda of the day when the victim refuses to do anything for the manipulator. Do not get carried away with the game, refuting the statement. You will return the ball to the other side.

Often this is not said openly, but it is the result of the behavior of the other. This can include free time scheduling, financial issues, solving common problems. The manipulator tries to use your emotional addiction to achieve your goals. On the other hand, why do you need it? In most cases, there is no misunderstanding, but I try to make your attitude and make you justify your actions as the behavior of a sovereign person.

\ r \ nThe most paradoxical in such a situation is that the daughters of such mothers to the last try to get the approval of the parent, see the smile on their face and, perhaps, hear words of praise from them. But such mothers will never change. Unfortunately, this fact can be difficult to understand and accept, although this is the only way to get out of the vicious circle. \ R \ n \ r \ n

The offer comes mainly after you've explained five times that you can't just go to this office at this hour because you have something else to do during the week. The manipulator loves to grant an information monopoly to tell about his surroundings what he is doing right now. Don't limit your social contact and compare your emotional relationship with your partner to other relationships.

The manipulator likes to demand absolute perfection after the second. This is because no one is perfect, and your “flaw” is the source of the guilt that makes your partner a priority. Give some concrete examples of what you've mastered. Prepare that your partner might try to assert what you are reading. Return the blow and tell him that he didn't want anything in this case or not? Unfortunately, this topic can be discussed for a very long time, because it is general. Therefore, bring the discussion back to specific situations.

\ r \ n \ r \ nPsychologists recommend accepting the situation and accepting as fact the fact that the mother does not love. If this is accepted, then life will become much easier. It will be possible to build your own life without regard to the opinion of the mother. In addition, in such a situation, one should not be at enmity with the parent, mothers quite peacefully live under the same roof with their children, whom they do not love, but do not deny their existence. It's just that their communication takes place on a slightly different level. They can respect each other as individuals, but at the same time not invade their personal space. The main thing is to remember that the mother will not change. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation and live your life where a loving husband and children can be.

If you don’t, don’t disassemble the topic. Efforts to transfer responsibility for your own mistake. An attempt to secure your absolute commitment. If it doesn't matter to your partner, let him know. Don't look for reasons, it's a waste of time.

No time to think about it, I need it now. Trying to get you to make a last-minute decision, often about things that you usually reject. You don't have to like being beaten. That evening something broke in her for no reason. I think she always expected too much after this visit.

Mama. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or ... suffering?

We are used to thinking that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word "mother" in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor for care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but this is not at all about children from disadvantaged families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a complete family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal from the point of view of meeting material needs, but at the same time not spiritual. Now we are talking about those daughters whom their mothers never loved.

They were never too close to each other. Yes, yes, she knew that maybe she wasn’t the best daughter either - nervous, screaming, stubborn, well, maybe she didn’t dream of such a daughter either? However, she had a choice, she had two daughters and she had two. The second is also far from ideal, but the one that, as it seems to me, is more pleasant to the mamingo.

She often reprimanded her mother that she felt worse, but either she was met with strong denial, or the statement that “he is talking nonsense,” or with great regret that the child also comes to this. But what can you do if she senses it?

Unloved daughter - how is it?

The mother does not love her daughter - such a wording hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that this situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so simple. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, fearing to say to anyone out loud: "Mom never loved me." They hide it: in childhood - they come up with stories, in adulthood - they try to avoid the parental theme.

She did a lot to get her mother's attention. Praise for "good deeds" could not wait, so she turned to the evil side of the government. However, she quickly noticed that he had lost more of his rebellious attitude. Her mother's main focus was on flaws. No, not exaggerated, she just gave them more time and attention.

Difficulty defending your own boundaries

Probably not the best, and maybe the requirements for the mother's institution are too great? Children are small; they will give her many opportunities to prove herself. However, she believes that they will copy the samples. He notes that he sometimes treats them unfairly. You will say that she knows what kind of relationship she wanted with her mother, so let him develop her in his own garden.

When the mother does not love her daughter, this is reflected in the entire further development of the girl, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.

As a rule, "dislike" is expressed in the absolute emotional detachment of the mother from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of the girl. How does this relationship manifest itself?

You were like a bastard yesterday. You have grown, you are no longer a child waiting for her teeth to grow. And as you have grown, my soul has dictated the following lines. Do not despair of love, because you will find only illusion and disappointment. Your mother taught me patience when we were younger. Imagine that the wolf is just despair. You are women, you understand better. And I, as a man, will talk to you about people. What you have to choose, but it is not obligatory, you are free to choose.

Lack of trust in people

When you decide to stop wandering around looking for your identity and when you want the person next to you for the rest of your life, consider the following things. Don't look at the packaging. My dear girl, the tutu, after too much sunshine, turns yellow, hates and what will you do next? The packaging is thin and won't keep you warm in winter, cold and snowy. The packaging won't make you hungry or thirsty. It is in vain if it is bad.

A logical question: "Why doesn't mom love me?"

Often mothers are totally indifferent to their children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and the mother, which is necessary for a little girl, may be completely absent (here we mean exactly that model of relationship when a daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, on the part of this kind of indifference can be completely invisible.

Don't throw yourself into the hands of light, but work independently. Don't hold on to his wallet, because in the end you will become his subject. And if he leaves, what are you left with? Is it worth having everything you want in exchange for your soul? Are you a loved one or a woman who purifies all suffering?

For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and brags about her successes, but this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conventional "audience" disappears, the mother not only pays no attention to her daughter's success, but also constantly lowers her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. An unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.

Don't be afraid if you feel your heart fly out of your chest and land on his soul. Don't break your flight for fear of heights. Don't love half the measure, because you will have half an empty soul, and the greatest happiness is when you have a soul full of the one you love.

But forgive only what does not deny your dignity. Do not forgive if he wipes your boots with his soul. The soul will tell you what to forgive, to stay and when to go.Don't be deceived into thinking that you will move a mountain in front of you. People change temporarily - a kind of nature vacation, but every holiday has an end, doesn't it?

Let's consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, the mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, they say, "again brought home four points, not five!" There are also options when the mother is, in principle, indifferent to how the child learns. Constant negativity, like regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the further destinies of the daughters and their own future families.

Don't be jealous. You do not make this mistake and do not accept it. Do you understand that love is freedom - do you still know the wounded poison that you worried about when you were younger? Well, did you see how the circles were in the air when you flew into the sun, when you blinded the earth?

"Mom never loved me": Unloved daughter and her adult life

"What if my mom doesn't love me?" Is a question that many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes into their heads even when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who formed the thinking of a person for many years.

How is maternal dislike manifested?

My daughter, you are a beautiful woman in face, mind and soul. To be a strong woman and not understand that you shouldn't cry too much. If you cry, my shoulder will always be here for you.

It's about seeing the freedom of the soul - continuous flight. Do not give birth to lies, because then you will enter a vicious circle from which only separation will take you away. Love is strange to chimeras. Don't think that you can only lie once - the first time is harder, then you lose the line. If he is lying to you, go and find someone who can accept your deeds, words, and love. She doesn't accept dairy daddy next to you.

As a result, already adult girls get a whole bunch of psychological problems based on the emotional trauma they received earlier.

Once the question that arose in my head, "Why doesn't my mother love me?" develops into a life position "Nobody loves or loved me at all."

Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love lost in childhood leads unloved daughters to:

1. Lack of confidence in yourself and in your abilities. Because of what a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
2. Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone?
3. Failure to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and a healthy life in society in general, but also a career and area of ​​interest in particular.
4. The perception of everything is too close to heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any field of life. The list goes on and on.

What if my mom doesn't love me?

It is unlikely that a daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question of why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:

• "Something is wrong with me",
• I'm not good enough
• "I'm bothering my mom."

Of course, this approach will only lead to even deeper immersion in problems and lower self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the outside.

Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude towards everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has learned all the "charms" of such an attitude on yourself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It is not easy. Some may not even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps it is worth asking for a reassessment of values ​​- this will surely help to improve life and attitude towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing that you can do for him.

Do not strive to please your mother, especially if over the years of living with her you have realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, and at worst - habitual criticism. Growing up without maternal love is difficult. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change your pattern of behavior. Even if your mom never loved you, she is worthy of respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives as they matured. And you can if you understand the root cause of your psychological problems. And it is covered just in your question: "Why doesn't my mother love me?"

Unloved child. Children perceive everything differently. Somewhere easier, somewhere more painful. Mom's dislike - the closest and dearest person - can be felt by the skin, when mom screams and punishes for no reason, when you hear so many rude offensive words from mom's lips, when you are a daughter, and mom is always more affectionate with her brother, and you always have higher demand ...

The child feels everything. And even if you do not openly tell him: “I don’t love you!”, The child knows, although he does not understand. The child reaches out to his mother, comes up and hugs. Mom is always cold, does not say affectionate words, never praises.

A person grows, matures, understands more and more, sometimes in the conversations of adults and something like "... gave birth to a daughter, but I wanted a son, and it was a pity to refuse, what would people say?" or "I gave birth to her so hard that I could not love." And now a man is 20, 30, 40 years old. And the relationship is more and more difficult, it is more and more difficult to find a common language with my mother, and it is no longer easy for her to hide her irritation.

What to do? Refuse to communicate? Move farther and cut all ties? Not an option. Mom, even if she is not loving, still remains a mother. And it is probably not easy for her in such a situation either. After all, she does not feel tender feelings for her child, and she has not learned to love, like everyone else. And, of course, she blames herself for it. But my mother is not a cuckoo, she didn’t give up, she didn’t refuse, brought up how it turned out, tried to give everything she could. Suppose she was often unfair, and the rest of the time she ignored.

Let's we will try to cope with the current situation ? The most important and most difficult thing to do is to forgive mom for her missing feeling. And let your mind understand that my mother did not refuse, apparently, only because she was afraid of the condemnation of her act by others. And let the certainty sit somewhere inside that if the parents already had a child of the very desired gender, you would hardly be given a chance to live. However, they gave a chance and did not leave them in the hospital. And they brought up. And they took care. So the next thing to do - give thanks mother for life and home, for her efforts and for care.

Love yourself... It is also not easy to do. All his life, receiving less affection and love, a person, as a rule, does not treat himself very well. We must try to overcome this barrier. The following training is very suitable for this.

At the moment when you are alone and no one can interfere. We turn off the phone. You can turn on quiet calm music as a background. We make ourselves comfortable, close our eyes. And imagine ourselves as a child. Not to remember yourself, namely to mentally become a child, to return to this state of mind. And love yourself as a child with all your heart, with all your soul. Call yourself the most affectionate words, look into your eyes, smile. Envelop this child with all the love that is now so lacking. Hug yourself, a child, shake in your arms. You can sing a lullaby or do something else that you wanted to get from your mother, but she could not give. Return to the current state, keeping this feeling of love and warmth.

Don't get hung up. You need to stop constantly thinking about what your mom doesn't like. Take it for granted and let it go. It is hard and painful to let go of the resentment. But you will have to say goodbye to her in order to open your heart to happiness.

Fall in love with mom. Yes, oddly enough, but the offense takes the form of love, and we ourselves, being offended, call our offense love. But we have already let go of the offense. Now you have to let love in. To do this, you can use this training. Putting your mother's photo in front of you, or just presenting your mother's image. Remember how mom smiles, moves, what her voice is. Mentally go back to childhood and remember rare pleasant moments, mother's delicious pies or how mother is sitting at handicrafts. Try to think of Mom with affection.

Build relationships. It all depends on the circumstances that are in the present. Of course, call mom and right off the bat: "Mom, I know that you are not me, but let's keep in touch!" - will be rude, stupid and inappropriate. And let's make it a rule to call mom at least once a day and be interested in her well-being, business, her worries? That would really be a good start. Talk about your business, ask for advice or ask your mother's opinion. Make mom feel needed. When love comes from a person, it compensates for the love that the person has received less from the outside.

Of course, the advice is very general and you need to adapt to your story. And, besides, there are very difficult situations when it is impossible to get along with the idea that mom does not love. In this case, the best solution would be to visit a psychologist. It should also be borne in mind that people tend to be wrong. Sometimes behind the "endless empty nagging and eternal control" is a desire to take care of, anxiety for the child and great motherly love.

Tips are more suitable for women.

• We cannot bear the very thought that the mother may not love us and that it is impossible to love her herself.
• And yet, mothers who “do not love” and even internally “destroy” us do exist.
• Breaking even such a bond is incredibly difficult, but you can try to protect yourself by establishing a distance in the relationship.

“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. - She was sitting on the bed, crying and could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to just crush her - she was inconsolable. And I did not understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real snide. The relationship with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.

As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish a personal life, create a happy family and even establish a reasonable relationship with my grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: "Why are you crying?", She replied: "Now I will never have a good mother." So, in spite of everything, she continued to hope? During the life of my grandmother, my mother said that she did not love her, - so it turns out that she was lying? "

Relations with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, the Internet forums begin to "storm". Why? What makes this inner bond of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be severed? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?

Social commitment

"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to pronounce such words. It is unbearably painful, and the inner prohibition against such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let's just say: I try to communicate correctly, not react internally, take nothing too close to my heart.” Choosing his words, 38-year-old Artyom admits that he maintains "good" relations with his mother, "although not particularly close."

“In our public consciousness, one of the most widespread myths is about endless, disinterested and bright love between mother and child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - There is competition between brothers and sisters; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken her. And the attachment of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. It is not for nothing that folk wisdom says: "No one will love you like a mother."

The very thought "I have a bad mother" can destroy a person

“Mother remains a shrine,” agrees sociologist Christine Castelin-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family units are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar landmarks are lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has passed the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother is becoming unshakable as never before ”. Just a doubt about its reliability is already unbearable.

“The very thought“ I have a bad mother ”is capable of destroying a person, - says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the wicked witch is always the stepmother. This speaks not only of how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also of how common such feelings are. "

Initial merger

Our relationship is ambivalent, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between a mother and a child precludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of our mother's heart. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and wants.

The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes he can give rise to deep resentment, which then grows into hatred. " We are all familiar with moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps we can say that they are inevitable.

“These moments of hostility are part of a child’s development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Bracone. - If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens to children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof. "

It will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out our feelings and separate the feelings of guilt from them.

Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger. It is even more difficult for single children or those who grew up in an incomplete family to admit to themselves hostile feelings towards their own mother.

“As far back as I can remember, I have always been the main meaning of her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone - but also a difficult burden, too. For example, for a long time I did not manage to get to know someone, to have a personal life. She couldn't share me with anyone! " Today his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops ... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”

Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, try to understand her, find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, life did not work out. Everyone tries to behave "as if" ... As if everything was fine, and the heart would not hurt so much.

The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep everything away and "carry it beyond the point of no return," as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection at all costs. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” says 29-year-old Anna. “She loves me in her heart, and I don’t want to upset her.”

In debt from birth

Psychoanalysis speaks of “the original duty” and its consequence - that feeling of guilt that connects us for life with the woman to whom we owe our birth. And no matter what our feelings are, in the very depths of our souls there is still a hope that someday everything can still somehow improve. “I understand intellectually that you can't change my mother,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “And yet I can’t come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”

“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. - Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have the right to do so. "

It seems to everyone, without exception, that we were not loved as they should have been.

We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “We have a long-standing childhood insatiable longing for a good parent, a thirst for tenderness and unconditional love,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - We all, without exception, think that we were not loved the way we should have. I think not a single child had exactly the kind of mother he needed. "

It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her, there is no separation between the omnipotent maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. "This image does not change in time: it also contains the depth of childhood despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings."

Only a “good enough” mother helps us move towards adult independence. Such a mother, satisfying the vital needs of the child, makes him understand: life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.

Fear of becoming the same

Having entered motherhood in their turn, Vera and Maria did not mind the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their "bad" mothers would become at least "good" grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father in her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms looked at her from the screen.

“My heart grew warmer,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship soured when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be happy that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only thanks to these first years of my life. But when I see her annoyed with my children today, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become. "

Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an antimodel to build relationships with her children. And it worked: "One day at the end of a long telephone conversation, my daughter said to me:" It's so nice, Mom, to talk to you. " I hung up and burst into tears. I was happy that I was able to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time, bitterness stifled me: after all, I myself did not get such. "

The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow from girls with a "disliked" childhood.

Looking for indifference

When the relationship is too painful, the right distance becomes vital. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother’s side is enough, as everything collapses and the person is wounded again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection ... and admits that they cannot find it.

“I tried to completely" disconnect "from her, moved to another city, - says Anna. - But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver - it seems to pierce me through with an electric current ... No, it is unlikely, and now I do not care. Maria chose a different strategy: "It's easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely." Allowing yourself not to love the one who raised us, and not suffering too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.

“This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go anywhere, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out the feelings and separate the guilt from them. " Growing up is what it means to free yourself from that which fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long journey.

Change relationships

Allowing yourself not to love your mother ... Will it make it easier? No, I'm sure Ekaterina Mikhailova. This honesty won't make it any easier. But the relationship will definitely get better.

“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, as in tango, a counter movement of two people is necessary, so consent to change is required from both the mother and the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings about your mother. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have expired.

Having broken off a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and wait for the impossible.

Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would have lived if you had not been born to her. Finally, acknowledge that your mom may have difficult feelings for you, too. When starting to build new relationships, it is important to understand how sad it is: to get away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child.

Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and wait for the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be like friendship, cooperation. They will appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live ... with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome ”.

Personal experience

Many of them were able to say for the first time: "Mom did not love me" by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors help us emotionally detach ourselves from relationships that can consume our lives. Several quotes from users of our forum.

“If she read me a children's book (which was rare), then the name of the bad character (Tanya-revushki, Masha-confused, Dirty, etc.) was replaced by mine, and for better understanding she poked her finger at me. Another memory: we are going to a neighbor's girl for her birthday, mom has two dolls. “Which one do you like best? This one? Well, that means we will give it! " According to her, this is how she brought up altruism in me. " (Freken Bock)

“Mom endlessly talked about her misadventures, and her life seemed to me a tragedy. I don't know if unloving mothers have some kind of special filter for dropping out everything positive, or if this is such a way of manipulation. But they see their child extremely negatively: his appearance, character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence. " (Alex)

“It became easier for me when I was able to admit that my mother did not love me as a child. I accepted this as a fact of my biography, as if I “allowed” her not to love myself. And she "allowed" herself not to love her. And now I no longer feel guilty. " (Ira)

“My mother’s lack of love severely poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be gentle and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, while suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he weighed me down - just as I weighed my parents. And then one day (I hope it’s not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Daily, hourly, a little bit. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. To catch these moments and by an effort of will to force himself to stop and give him what he needs so much. Through "I don't want, I can't, I'm tired." One small victory, the second, a habit appears, then - you feel pleasure and joy. " (Wow)

“It's hard to believe that your mom really did this. The memories seem so unreal that it is impossible to stop thinking about it: was it really EXACTLY SO in reality? " (Nik)

“From the age of three I knew that my mother gets tired of the noise (which I create), because she has high blood pressure, she does not like children's games, does not like to hug and say affectionate words. I took it calmly: well, such a character. I loved her the way she was. If she was annoyed with me, then I whispered to myself the magic phrase: "Because my mother has hypertension." It even seemed to me somehow honorable that my mother was not like everyone else: she has this mysterious disease with a beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I was a “bad daughter”. And it psychologically just killed me. " (Madame Kolobok)

“For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of“ practical ”,“ non-mark ”(as my mother taught), but on the principle“ I like it ”. I learned to listen to myself, understand my desires, talk about my needs ... Now I can communicate with my mother as with a friend, a person of a different circle who cannot hurt me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don't really want children. Mom said: "Do not give birth, do not marry, this is hard labor." I turn out to be an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, it means that I have left a loophole for myself. " (Oxo)