Causes and features of children's jealousy. What to do parents? How to avoid child jealousy at the birth of a second child? Reliable of the older child to newborn tips of the psychologist

28.05.2021

Where does Children's jealousy come from and how it develops. How to find out that the child is jealous. Ways to deal with jealousy to younger child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother.

The content of the article:

Children's jealousy is a phenomenon that is familiar with almost everyone since childhood. The zealous behavior of the younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents, acts as a manifestation of fear to prevent the attention of the object of jealousy. First we are experiencing it yourself, being children, then faced with the problem already at their children, being parents.

Children's Jealousy Development Mechanism

Jealousy is a fear of dislike. So the child is very afraid that an important person for him (in most cases Mom) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often it happens when replenished in the family. Moreover, it is not necessary at the expense of the second (third, etc.) of the child. No less jealousy can cause the appearance of the "new" dad or the "new" mother, if one parent brought him up before that.

One way or another, but the appearance of a new family member violates the usual balance of life. Including the life of the firstborn or child who has both parents now. And it's not so much in changing the routine of the day or household nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of the change of priorities - now our hero is not in the center of attention, he has a competitor.

And if the child is not prepared in advance to such a situation, he will be perplexed by the first reaction. He cannot understand what a new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment to fails, which in turn will push the baby to the struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and innocuous pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.

Important! If you do not put a child before the fact, but preparatory work with it - the mechanism of children's jealousy may not be launched.

Causes of the development of children's jealousy

As already mentioned, children's jealousy may be multidirectional - to younger brother or sister, to friends, to mom or dad, to relatives and even to educators or teachers. The main thing is that unites all the objects of jealousy - an important role in the life of the jealous. Therefore, the reasons for zealous behavior in children can be divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child) and internal (emerging taking into account the characteristics of the nature, education, health status).

The external reasons for children's jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child's family who shift his authority. It may be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a mother's husband with the "new" dad or, on the contrary, the appearance in the group or class of new students, in the company - new friends. More capable or brighter. If the child is very tied to her grandmother or grandfather, make him change behavior can come to them from other grandchildren.

Very hard, the kid is experiencing and the emergence of new (consolidated) brothers or sisters when his mother or dad creates a new family with a person who has his own children. And it's not a fact that this new object is really better and gaining more attention. But it is difficult to see and understand this child.

Another external factor, which recently becomes more and more significant - work. Children are very difficult to realize that this incomprehensible "work" parents pay much more time than them.

The main internal causes of children's jealousy are as follows:

Egocentrism. This position is characteristic of children under the age of 10-12, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the universe. Therefore, any "newcomer" in the family or company, the child positions as a replacement itself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone attention, love, authority, who used to be intended only to him.
Responsiveness. Often, children react with zealous behavior for a lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the requests of the child are postponed or ignored due to employment (younger child, new relationships, work). His desires are postponed or not performed at all, and the words "wait", "then", "not now" he hears more and more. This causes fair outrage in it, because it also deserves attention. The feeling of an unfair relationship can cause and the situation in the company of friends when the child is frankly used. For example, they invite to play only because of toys or bike, pay attention only when he appears from a new toy. Or clothes, gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
Notice of responsibility. This reason is more characteristic of the situation when the child becomes an elder brother or older sister. The title of "seniority" is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. Rather, as additional responsibility and responsibilities, instead of additional attention in which they need so much.
Inability to express feelings. Children who do not know how to express the feeling of love and attachment in conventional ways (affectionate words, "hugs", etc.), use for this reception: "jealous - it means that loves." And, while staying alone or outside the field of view of parents (friends), attract attention to resentment and causing behavior.
Increased anxiety. A child who doubters himself that he loves that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his guilt: a brother was born, a friend didn't go outside, the grandmother did not come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with it, with its disadvantages (imaginary). And here you need to remember that the child itself will not be anxious - these are gaps in education. The duality of parents' claims can be given to this: for example, today curiousness is good and informative, tomorrow is bad and annoying.
Creation of competitive conditions. To instill in the child a sense of jealousy to a brother or sister can a certain tactic of parenting parenting, when competition is created between children. The first ate the soup - got candy, the first removed the toys - went to walk to the street, first learned lessons - you can watch the cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: I did not eat soup - I was left without sweet, did not remove the toys - it remained without them, etc. Such a selection of one child is "good" in any way gives another status "bad". And breaks relations between children. Sometimes for life.
Feeling helplessity. It happens that the roots of children's jealousy grow from the simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mother, younger brother or sister, cousin or sister) and can not understand what it is better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow affect the choice of a person important for him. He feels powerless and therefore angry. Because of the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - to children, to the second halves, to parents, to friends, and therefore, independent and fully compatible.

Basic signs of children's jealousy

The manifestations of a zealous attitude towards the object of their love in children are largely dependent on the strength of this love itself, the singularities of the individual and the reaction to this parents. Therefore, they are not necessarily stormy and causing. A child can worry all deep inside. That is, signs of children's jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden.

The explicit manifestations of jealousy in children include such behavioral reactions:

Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing its "fervor" feelings to the competitor. It may be a physical impact (if it concerns the "children's" category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take away something. In general, it hurts. Or emotional pressure - resentment, poding, calling, desire to specify, contend to something bad, substitute. Or both methods together.
Hyperactivity. A wrapping of alert parents should and the excessive activity of the child, which was not previously observed. The favorite shifted from the pedestal changes the tactics of his behavior in the form of compensation on the feeling of unnecessariness. At the same time, the newly-made "livestock" not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses food, day sleep, recently beloved activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or relatives, porn games, etc.). He is capricious and cannot focus on one lesson.
Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to the zealous attitude towards changing their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but the reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous ticks.

The fact that the child is experiencing zealous feelings in herself, indicate the following signs:

Anxiety. The accumulated and restrained in the negative, resentment, misunderstanding is still broken out, despite the externally calm child. It may be problems with sleep - restless, intermittent sleep, difficulty awakening or when lifting. The digestive system can also be reacting - poor appetite, disorders of digestion, changing taste addictions. The psyche, returning the old fears and inventing new ones. Perhaps and performance in school.
Mood change. An obvious sign that the child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in its emotional behavior. If earlier the cheerful and active kid suddenly became sad, passive and flexible, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
Care from independence. Very often, the older children begin to understandly "middle" and "do not know how to" do the fact that before the emergence of a new family member did themselves. Children's idea of \u200b\u200bthe world tells him that if he likes the baby to whom Mom now pays so much attention, then she will give it the same time.
Deterioration of health. Internal experiences may affect the health of the child - it can more often hurt with colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases without visible reasons. And can use simulation or injury to attract attention.

Important! The jealousy of the child is his emotions, the experiences that he can carry with him in adulthood, thereby much complicating it. Therefore, it should not be unnoticed.

How to deal with children's jealousy

The most effective method to return the child "in the family" - to restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. You can make it very different ways, depending on why he is jealous and how it demonstrates.

How to deal with children's jealousy to younger child

If the cause of the change in the behavior of the child is the birth of a kid, try to correct the situation with the following ways:

Prevention. So that children's jealousy at the birth of the second child was minimal or did not occur at all, you can use the method of preparing the firstborn to replenish the family. To do this, dedicate it to the sacraments of the development of the future kid (without fanatism), let him stroke the belly, listen, how he pushes, talk to him. Patiently explain why a pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and take the firstborn in his hands. Show the child his photo and video when he was still a baby. Try not to target the older that with younger it will be much more fun. In children weakly developed the concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen. Therefore, the born helpless kid can be disappointing for an older brother or sisters that were expected to have a full-fledged partner in games. To avoid such a reaction, tell the firstborn that he was also small, did not know anything, but with time I learned. But he did not have such a good older brother (sister), which would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite to yourself or go to visit to the family, where there is an infant - let the child himself will see how touching and funny. Special attention is paid to the preparation of the firstborn to the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (for the period of stay in the hospital).
Quality of communication. Naturally, with the birth of the baby, to give the first century as much time as he was given before him, neither the dad, nor the mother will be able to. Therefore, try to transfer the amount in quality. To cope with the children's jealousy, highlight a certain time interval - "The Time of the Senior Child", when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time Mom will be only with him. That is, do it ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period, children are more susceptible and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or a discussion of the past day. In the latter case, take a rule not to compare the behavior of the elder with other children, especially with the younger. Help to analyze his behavior, find the best way to resolve certain situations. If possible, the maximum save the routine and already existing rituals.
Real view of the role of an older child. The main task of the parents is to make an assistant from the firstborn, and not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small difference in age. Therefore, attract a senior to helping the baby adequately, given his real opportunities and desire. Tell him minor things for you. And be sure to encourage initiative and help so that the firstborn felt its importance and need.
Skill listen and clarify. Highlight the time to carefully listen to the firstborn, his feelings towards the current situation. Reports to him what you see, what happens to him, and you understand why. If the child does not come to contact, you can use the active hearing method. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he won't speak anyway - he will hear you and aware of the sensations you voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings in the right channel - the parents still love him and appreciate it, no matter what.
Benefits of "seniority". Remind that the firstborn has not only certain responsibilities in front of the younger brother or sister, but also the advantages. For example, there is ice cream, watch cartoons, play on the computer, run, jump, etc. Just do not overdo it in order not to receive the opposite result. In the presence of the firstborn, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughters), namely, how about his brother (sister), aiming for what he he (she) is good (good). So the older child gradually produces a sense of pride, that he has a super brother or sister. So he is also super.
Suppression of aggression. Follow the behavior of both children without allowing each other to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount of the youngest because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend the older. Do not punish and do not encourage one child to the detriment of the other - find compromises. Then the children will not compete among themselves and learn to sincerely rejoice at each other's successes.

How to deal with children's jealousy to one of the parents

Often, zealous behavior is also manifested in relation to mom or dad even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom with dad or vice versa.

Here are some ways to react to children's jealousy to one of the parents:

Conviction. Try to clarify the child that love for him and love for her husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist well. And you have enough love and attention to all.
Compromise. If the child exhibits aggression or capricious when you pay attention to your spouse - do not remove your husband. Do not understand the child that it is more important. In the family are all equal and everyone equally deserves love and a good relationship. Try to engage the jeques in joint actions: wants a husband to kiss you, and a child, seeing it, hysteriate - offer you to kiss you together; You want to lie down with my husband together on the sofa, and the baby desperately climbs between you - let him with joy and look together a cartoon or read the book. Connect to the process and dad - let the moments of child jealiness recalls that he loves both mom and a child.
Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasions and tricks act, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone. Go to it, hug, kiss, play with him. If necessary - remove to another room. And only when you see that the emotional position of the baby has changed, you can neatly talk to him about what happened.

How to deal with children's jealousy to new dad or mom

The subject of children's discontent can be a new member of the family of another kind - the new Mother's husband or the new Pope's wife. And often infusion of a new person in the familiar Wednesday is far from painless.

To soften it, use several psychological techniques:

Preparation. You need to cook a child not only to the appearance of a younger child, but also to the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to give time to learn and get used to each other. The best way for this is the organization of periodic meetings. First on your territory with an obligatory warning about this child. Then, when your child becomes accustomed to a new dad, you can expand the range of communication at the expense of a hike in the park, circus, cinema, on a rink or relaxation in nature. A very effective tactical step during such an event will be a few minutes to leave the future stepfather and the child alone. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and conquer more trust. The next stage will be a partial relocation, when a man sometimes after spent with you and your child's day remains to spend the night. And only after that, if the child does not mind or even suggest it himself, invite your man to live to you under permanent conditions.
Authority. Even if your child is prepared and accepted a new chosen one, this is not a reason to "relax", especially if you have a boy. Although the girls also do not really take the replacement of their native mom. Now for a new husband or wife, the main thing should be the conquest of authority from your child. And this should not be unquestioned submission only by age gradation - children should obey adults. Dad or mom is not just adults. This is higher - credibility, sample to follow. To achieve such a "title" in the eyes of the adopted child, you need a little: to perform the promised, be able to explain the causal relationships of certain actions, adhere to the established rules, sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, be able to support it even with failures and misses.
Neutrality. Take the rule not to interfere in the child's senses in relation to the new chosen one. Watch him that the new dad does not draw a place - he will have his own. And he needs not only to you, but also your child, because it can become a good friend, a defender, assistant. And you have enough time at all. But do not ignore the situations when the child is trying to point to the wrongness of the stepfather. Observe, but neutral, without drawing an draw side.
Communication. No matter how much the wave of new feelings will be stuck, do not leave a child one. Try to give a new husband or wife. Attention without prejudice to it. While the situation in the family does not stabilize, the baby is very hard perceived your attempts to retire, especially outside the house. He perceives it as removal and considers himself an excess, unnecessary. And in this case, you do not have to expect big love.

Important! How fucked by new relationships should not be forgotten about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And it is primary.

How to deal with children's jealousy - Look at the video:

Children's jealousy is an illustration of fear of losing your world, full of love and attention. It is impossible to ignore it - you need to fight with it. But the main thing, it should be noted and choose the right way to solve the problem so that your child rose happy and self-confident man.

Jealousy to brothers and sisters are not only senior children, but, oddly enough, this is at first glance, younger - in relation to the elders. And although the younger initially grow in a situation where the mother must be divided, they also often happen attacks of jealousy. A thirst for a child in a family is somewhat easier. He was never the only child, and therefore the situation of "overthrow from the throne" never experienced.

But on the other hand, he also never "first". He, albeit undoubtedly loved, but he is the second. And this means that it is growing if not in the shadow of the older, then at least with the parental look at the experience acquired on a senior child.

On the first child, Mom studied - feed, wear, make a massage, communicate. She piled some cones and acquired a lot of experience. In the second, it will strive to apply the same skills that were used with the first. Either will correct their mistakes - if they almost did not do the first, they will be more involved with the second. If they were doing a lot with the first, then the second can simply rejoice.

And everything would be fine, if there were no one very common error here - the second child is not the "clone" of the first and the other, often very much different not only externally, but also internally. It also happens that children are much like outwardly, and, accordingly, I really want to believe that they are internally they are similar. But it was not here!

No matter how trite it sounded, every child is individual, and it needs his own, his personal approach and upbringing! Therefore, in order to avoid the mistake of "cloning", it is worth carefully watching the baby - for what he likes, and what is not that it is comfortable for him, and what is not that he is interested, and what is not - just like you would Enrolled if he was the firstborn.

The past experience is a great help, but he should not go to first place - the child should always be in the first place! The younger has the right to be different!

But the main reason for the jury of the younger - how it would not seem incredible - often the younger child gets much less attention than the eldest. The eldest child, jealous when the baby appears in the house, does everything to attract maximum attention - it seems to him that only in this way he will be able to keep his escalating positions.

And Mom, who understands that jealousy awakened because of her desire to have another child and the splashing firstborn, who has to go through such a test, begins to feel guilty. To get rid of guilt, she is trying to spend his older child all possible time. Or simply gets more pleasure from communicating with the eldest - more intelligent, more curious and just a more interesting interlocutor.

And suddenly it is found that during massage the baby you can tell something older, during feeding it can read fairy tales, you can play with the eldest, while the baby just lies on his knees. And everything seems to be wonderful, the baby is not indignant, for he does not know another communication, in addition, which has. The eldest is also pleased - his mother, and the application in the form of a baby can be ignored - especially since it does not interfere with too much.

And everything would be wonderful if not "ravines". That is, if it had not turned out that Mom, moving the feeling of guilt towards the eldest, did not forget that the younger also need communication - an individual, converted only to him. He also, as well as the older, for successful development requires a concentration on himself, on his personality.

The dressing of the younger and parallel conversation with the eldest satisfies the need of the elder, but the need for younger is ignored ... But he, without understanding the speech, lives with feelings and feelings that he says that his mother is not "in it", it is outside his spiritual space.

And although formally, Mom gives youngest child a lot of time, it really focuses on the senses of senior. What happens next, it is not difficult to guess - the younger role appears - "Your place is the second."

But even further the situation can develop on two different ways - if the younger child in spirit driven, then it may notice this role with all the consequences (with all the ensuing consequences), and if he is the leader in spirit, then one day mom will discover that the younger Bunutuet - he already has little mamina chest. He wants to get my mother all, entirely and completely. And without a "substitute" in the form of dad.

He may not allow to read the older book, drive him off her mother's knee, often and "not in the case" to capricious, whining, rushing to the floor at the slightest "you can not" ... saying otherwise it will look for any destructive paths to achieve your own - Himself attention and get the amount of communication you need.

Why precisely destructive conflict-aggressive methods The most "workers" - they always and invariably achieve goals faster and more efficient than more constructive. And besides, they more correspond to the "strong" feelings of the kid, which he does not yet know how to suppress or redirect to other objects.

The greatest difficulty in such a development of events is the second round of the jealousy of the older, who has already been accustomed to the fact that the baby does not take up much space in life. Therefore, it is very important from the very beginning to put priorities correctly - each of the children has the right to the mother's attention and everyone should get it.

If you understand that the elder child is jealous, it is not difficult - it is enough just to watch him - if the behavior suddenly appeared previously not peculiar to him reactions, then it is most likely jealousy. The previous article has already mentioned nails and other aimed at themselves - the so-called autoagression. Perhaps aggression aimed at a claw from family members - it is especially likely that the goal will be the one who is more enthusiastic kid and ignore the elder may be aggression directed at the kid himself.

Once I had to advise one family in which the eldest, while the mother was distracted, quietly sneaked to sleeping baby and shouted him loudly in his ear or bite for his heel.

Another option of the manifestation of jealousy - a peaceful child may begin to show aggressiveness in relation to peers, it is especially noticeable in the sandbox. In the last version, aggression (I remind you that aggressive attacks are the reaction of anger emotion, which small children do not know how to control or redirect) directed to the peers, means that the child learned the ban on the aggression of the house (the baby needs to love and defend, And it is impossible to offend), but since you need to do something with a growing feeling of anger and therefore the need for deliverance from it, then anger can splash in this form.

But to understand what junior is jealous, it is much more difficult. After all, he does not have a sudden change in the state. The appearance of jealousy occurs in him smoothly, day after day. And it is difficult to understand - the kid's capricious diseases due to lack of attention or because he is hungry or wants to sleep.

Therefore, if the behavior of the younger child in the family is characterized by manipulative or destructive inclinations, then it is worth thinking about that, in a sufficient least the younger child has parental love, attention and other attributes of children's happiness.

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Parents who expect the baby's birth often worried about how his elder child will take it. Therefore, they pay attention to the issue of preparing for the birth of the younger. And they feed hopes for excellent relations who will be reacted by their children in the future. Happy smiles, Mom's joy, beautiful photo shoots, family idyll. What happens in life? Reality and important advice of the psychologist and mother of two children Elena Sadovnichenko.

More often than this would like, parents face the unpleasant behavior of the elder in relation to the newborn baby. We have to admit that sometimes everything is not as expected. Instead of idyll, there is a rather stressful situation. Periodically emerging incidents with the jealousy of the eldest to the younger - this is a new life that parents have to withstand and somehow cope with it.

And even if in the incident with jealousy, they can smooth the peak of the conflict, then they are not always clear, and what to do next?

How much will it continue?

What words to find for the elder child to relax and not jealous?

For this you need to understand what is happening with all participants in the conflict of jealousy.

What happens to the older child?

As if parents, nor wishes for an older child of immense and unconditional love for the baby, sometimes they have to deal with disturbing, frightening manifestations of jealousy. As a rule, it is "strange" behavior, which is difficult to explain or covered (open) aggression.

An older child can be observed:

Games in "Lyalechka" or behavior like a small child.
Walking for mom on the heels and catching it everywhere.
Refusal to obey mom when she has a baby on her hands.
Refusal to help parents in what before that the child willingly participated.
Tears, tears, tears ...
Reasoning and suggestions how to get rid of the new child.
Increased aggression in relation to all family members, in kindergarten, on the street.
Tiki, enuresis, allergies, lips bite, nails, picking burr, sucking fingers.

The cause of all this set is a difficult-carrying stress by a child from separation with mom (parents) due to a new baby. Mom sees that something is happening with the eldest child, but sometimes she is unable to help him, except to hug and be alone with him for a while.

What happens to mom?

It takes on to the needs of the most defenseless and small person. And the new baby, without knowing it, rises between mom and elder child.

Mom notes how older child is different from the kid. And it sometimes involuntarily, unconsciously, sometimes there is permission to swear to the elder. Wait for his understanding and participation from both an adult.

Requirements for the elder child can suddenly increase, and it will be believed that he could realize that her mother is difficult. It would be good for him to obey the first time, to praise when the baby sleeps, do not climb with questions when mom feeds and tells the younger child. The tension increases, the elder does not want to participate or help, nor understand, and Mom often comes out of himself, breaks away on it.

In addition, mom can watch:

Lower inclusion in the life of the older child.
Fewer attention and quality of attention for it.
More expectations and claims for it.
Disappointed in the ways to achieve a relaxing situation in the family
Increased anxiety against the behavior of jealousy from the elder.
The desire to burn the kid from the older child.

The cause of all this set is the overvoltage from the new reality, to which mom is only to be adapted. Senior child feels changed motherly attitude towards him and can take it as a smaller value of himself for Mom. In most cases, older children are jealous of Mama to the baby.

Typical Behavior of the Reliability of the Elder Child

The behavior of the child can see not only by the fact that it behaves bad or inadequate. There are certain signs for which one can determine that the older child lacks closeness with mom.

Jealousy is a feeling that the child presented by the brain in order for him to change his behavior so that his mother noticed him. With jelly injections, all brain forces are thrown to hook the attention of moms. Get any encouragement or censure, create a situation in which mom will be forced to distract from the baby and contact the eldest child. This behavior is called "wishing and strive for proximity to mom at any cost." It occurs when the child faces the danger that he can stop loving, to love less when another child appeared.

And so that the elder child can take in the desire to get together with her mother.

Hide "I leave you at all! Stay with this child! " Shopping the door to the room, it sinks on trifles, does not solve conflicts, but sits in the room behind closed doors and removes everyone. Forces mom to explain, apologize, begging the child is not offended, etc.

Find contact "Mom, stay with me!", "Mom, have you done everything already? Mom, have you already finished? Mom, are you already free? " Lipnet, sticks, waits, controls. Mom gives itself as much as it can. And when she begins to break away from the impossibility of time to do everything, the child gets the necessary attention in shouts, breakdowns, Mom's curses on him. Well, that, that attention with a minus sign, but attention!

Sharply grow up "See what you already have big!" He catches approved actions and begins to do what he is not characteristic of age. For example, wash the dishes, clean in the apartment. Does not to learn, but for mom praise.

Sharply become small. The child begins to suck, like a small, intrusive, long, annoyingly. In order for the mother to pay attention and took on the handles, chatted, I picked up with him in response. Or ceases to do what has already been able to do before the birth of the baby. For example, it requires that it is fed from a spoon, and he does not have any one.

Himself "I am now nobody. No one else loves me. Why I need this "usually appears when the child has done something and cut off him. It can take a hard form when not words nor explanations to the child do not prove that he is valuable and they love it no less.

Exaggerate yourself. "I am a senior. Yes, if I want only. Yes, I can all. Yes, you still see who I am. The child puts the mask of greatness to get the desired approval from the parents. Prove to yourself and all that he is not empty place.

Mirror. The child begins to copy those whom mom and dad approve. Heroes, animals, other children. So he hides from jealousy and pain. Copying others, it seems to be approaching the ideal, which mother with dad is accurately accepted, sympathize with him (he heard it and knows exactly).

Search location. When a child looks into the eyes and says "Mommy, and what else to do for you? Do you want it? Do you want it? And let me bring you this? " And Mom agrees. So the child suggests approval and praise.

All these reactions of the child are activated by parents to devote at least some attention to him. This behavior is in order to induce another to respond to him. Because it is not possible to respond. A child's brain is a simple logic: to love me, you need to do one of these actions (described above) and then they will notice and start to love.

Such reactions can be fixed in the nature of the child if it used them for too long to pay attention to mom (parents). What do you need to do parents so that the elder child does not resort to the use of this behavior?

Careful solutions to the problems of the riosity of the older child

Remember that the elder child became the eldest only in the family hierarchy. It did not add responsibility or care automatically. This is necessary to teach it with regard to his age and maturity.

Minimum changes in the life of the older child. It means that you need to leave everything, as it was in rituals and communication with the elders. The same plans, the same Sunday dinners, the same campaigns with dad, etc. Life for him should not sharply share "to the baby" and "after the kid".

factory talk about the time of the fact that mom is busy. On the time of what is too noisy. On the very time that the baby is paying more attention and admiration.

Watch children to each other. "Look, what a baby's eye is like you!", "I so want our baby to be the same cool, like you," "I'm sure the baby would like to tell you that he was lucky to be born in the family with such a brother like you ", etc.

Giving hold, sniff, hug, dress up, bathe, Watering a driver, learn something.

Do not insist that the baby is all obliged to love. Love does not tolerate the imperative inclination. This elder child decides for himself.

To allotte every day time exclusively for older Child. The most easily read overnight.

Alert the older child in desire contact with mom. When you see that you have 1 minute of time, go to squeeze the elder when it does not expect from you. Not every time, not all the time. But sometimes!

Suddenly arrange senior Walking with EntertainmentSo that he does not know what will happen now, which will be now. For you it can be burdensome. But remember about the conversation about the time of what is happening. It will need to do not all the time.

Stay with elder child. Speak, silent, laugh, fool.

Mom is busy connect the Pope, grandmother and those in access. But do not reassign all the concern about the older child to someone for a long time. This is not a way out.

Play games, losing the emotions of the child. Chase, persecution, hide and seek, lost children, animals, ambush, monsters attack. And in each of them, the end of one contact with her mother, which caught up, found, saved.

Please be seduced compare children. Recognize the existence of negative feelings and actions as well as positive.

Good therapeutic fairy tales on the topic of jealousy.

Do not say that you love your children equally! Everyone wants to love him in a special, not like others. "You are the only world of Sasha's son in the whole. You are the only peace of my daughter Masha. No one can take your place! "

Do all this with love and respect for the dignity of the child. Remember that the elder child cannot fully control his behavior of jealousy. Jealousy happens to him. This is an unplanned feeling and behavior based on it.

When a junior child or a new dad appears in the family, parents often see the zealous attitude of the elder Chad towards a new family member. The child is quite difficult to take into its "ordered" world of new people who, in his opinion, can pick up the love of mom or dad. This fear is caused by the fact that the child is afraid of losing love, the attention of his parents. Such an emotional shock is not unnatural or something dangerous. In such cases, parents need to be guided by a sound reason, to gain patience and listen to the advice that will be offered in this publication.

Why does Children's jealousy arise?

Children's jealousy may occur for the following reasons:

Unnecessary. The child begins to comprehensive due to the emergence of a new person in the family. After all, because of this, the entire routine in the house changes sharply, and the child cannot quickly adapt to new conditions, believing that he was moved to the background. This feeling of forgetting and unnecessaries can constantly accompany the child if parents won't help him overcome these feelings.
Lack of attention . The child may feel the lack of attention when another child appeared in the family. Then the eternal mother's words: "Do not shum, do not touch, do not do, do not cry," etc. Do not leave him the right to develop as he wants. Mom spends most of the time with the baby, as it needs special attention, and the firstbenthus gets much less attention than the appearance of a younger brother or sister.
Fear. A small child feels an overwhelming feeling of fear losing mom's love or dad. When he sees that Mom has a new object of love, he is torn by a feeling of fear and jealousy. In most cases, moms do not seriously relate to such mental injuries of their child.

Types of children's jealousy: how jealousy has a child

Often, parents do not immediately understand that their child is jealous. Therefore, having seen your child sad, offended, closed or aggressive, it is necessary to talk to him unobtrusively. And if he does not come to contact, then it is necessary to observe his behavior and determine the true cause of his bad mood.

In children's psychology distinguish the following types of jealousy:

Passive. Usually, the child does not externally show no discontent. On the contrary, it closes in himself, becomes sluggish and random. Sometimes children show apathy towards the world.
Aggressive. In this case, the firstborn actively expresses its "no" younger brother or sister, stepfather or stepmate. The child does not allow to take his things, it is angry with the fact that his toys touch, etc. Emotionally, the child becomes a hot-tempered, fading, capricious, naughty. He offends the youngest child and does not want to share his things.
Semi-offal. This is the most unpredictable type of jealousy. For example, a child does not show his true attitude to the crumb of parents, but remaining alone with his brother or sister, tries to do something bad: offend, hit, pick up toys, etc.

How to deal with different types of children's jealousy: Answers in the table

Table. How to help your child overcome jealousy ?

To whom the child is jealous?	Causes and manifestations of jealousy	How to help your child overcome jealousy?
The child is jealous of mother to his father.	Often, jealousy occurs when dad works a lot and pays time to the family only in the evening. When the father is located next to Mom, the child can actively prevent them from communicating. The kid is aggressively tuned, trying to extinguish the father from the mother, even sitting on the sofa. Often the child scratches or beats dad. If the child saw the parents hugging or kissing, he can start crying or tools. Thus, the child wishes to defend its exclusive right to mom, her attention and care.	Initially, the child should feel warm and care not only with the mother's side, but also with daddy. If the baby wants to take you on the sofa with intent, do not shout on it, and on the contrary, just hug it on both sides. Be sure to say phrases: "I love my mother" and "I love dad". So the child will quickly understand that you are one of the whole and deserve to free space. If the baby pushes his father, mom needs to hug both, thereby showing that he loves them equally. Take a rule to give the opportunity to father and child to be alone: \u200b\u200bgo shopping, walk in the park, spend the day off together. Then the baby will see that you can love not only mom, but also dad. After all, this situation is often due to the fact that the father does not pay enough time to the baby.
The child is jealous of mother to stepfather / father to a stepmother.	The baby does not want to take a "new family member" in his world in which he and without stepfather / stepmother felt comfortable and cozy. Sometimes children believe that dad will return back, so does not allow in his family "useless" in his opinion of man. Children's egocentrism is a common phenomenon when Choo does not want to share his parent with anyone. Negative ratio of stepfather / stepmother to the child. Excessive severity of the new "Pope / Mom", the obvious change of home rules and establishments. Passive mother relationship / dad to conflicts between new husband / wife and child. Most often, children become irritable, unbearable in nature and behavior, try to do everything in the chart, roll.	Initially, you follow a child to prepare for the fact that a new person will come to his world. This can be done, leading a potential new family member first just to visit. Everything needs to be done gradually, without injuring the children's psyche. When the baby becomes accustomed to the fact that this person goes to visit, you can go to the park to go to the park or bring the crumb to ride the attractions. Then you can spend your leisure to a long time, staying in the house all day. The parent must clearly understand the child that the arrival of a new person in the family will not reduce love or care for him. It can only be shown if the parent really thinks. Do not let the guest immediately set the rules for the baby or punish it. Otherwise, the child can express a complete protest in relation to the coming person. A stepmach / stepmother need to learn to start respecting and take Chado what it is, and not to educate on my manner. This will be engaged in a biological parent. The maximum that can afford a new family member is to give the baby tips and conquer authority to mind, interest and care about the baby.
The child is jealous of parents to other children in the family.	The child acutely perceives the appearance of brother or sisters in the family. He feels a shortage of attention, unnecessary, offense to the fact that now the parents do not like him as before. The firstborn does not allow to take his belongings, repels from himself the younger, rustling about the fact that his things are inherited by a brother or sister. In the emotional plan, the baby changes radically: aggression appears in the behavior of a child or, on the contrary, the baby closes. The reasons for jealousy may be the following factors: 1. The baby began to pay less time. And this is natural, since the newborn requires special attention. But the eldest child can not yet understand it and take. 2. Children's "Ego". One child in the house is a pet of all loved ones. When a newborn appears, the eldest child perceives him as an opponent who is trying to "overthrow it from the throne." 3. Incorrect position of parents. Sometimes parents themselves become the culprits of the jealousy of their firstborn. The baby undoubtedly takes all the free space and excuses of the parents: "Go myself read, I am busy" or "You're already adult, cope with myself", etc. It is perceived as discrimination and can provoke a senior to aggression, angrily even hatred to brother or sister.	Parents must competently distribute the time between children, without leaving the firstborn by attention. When you fall apart, spend time with a child. You can do something in the kitchen with it, telling him interesting things for him (or apply the method, inventing a fairy tale on the problem with the baby). Do not forget to hug, kiss Chado, showing him your love. Teach the baby to share from an early age, raising kindness in it. While there is no second child, teach him to share with you. Communicate with baby. Try to explain to him that love cannot be divided, and that you also love certainly as before. Never compare children: "But the brother / sister does not come so bad as you", etc. The child will always feel competition, and therefore see in his brother or sister's enemy.

Prevention of jealousy

In order to avoid situations when the child is jealous, it is necessary to take care of his sincere equilibrium in advance. For this there are several good and good rules for parents:

Teach crumb to take care of loved ones and relatives.
Teach the baby sharing. Do not give him the best even in food. Do not focus the attention of the child to the fact that it is the center of the Universe.
Do not push the baby if he came to you for a portion of affection and tenderness.
Do not put a child before the fact: "Soon you will have a new dad / mother." It pushes the baby, because he begins to think that his opinion is worthless and he is not so important family member.
Do not provoke the jealousy of the child when brother or sisters appear, if you follow your own behavior. Before you give the baby's newborn bed, buy a new sleeping place at least a couple of months before the emergence of a new family member. Psychologically prepare the kid to the fact that he will soon meet his brother or sister . Spend a few evenings, explaining the baby that the appearance of the crumbs will not affect your love and relationship.
Do not change traditions. If you have some days that are dedicated to the elder child, do not forget about them.
Take a child to feel not the spirit of rivalry in relation to the newborn, but the need to defend him and take care of him.

Psychologists about children's jealousy

Psychologist P.L. Bassian:

Children's egocentrism is a common phenomenon. And he lies in the desire of constant and undivided attention to himself. We all sometimes really want this very much :). What about children? They are simply necessary for them - as confirmation of the unconditional love of parents. Therefore, everything and everyone who distracts this is the attention of them, perceived by children as rivals. So the children's jealousy arises.

Psychologist Elizabeth Lonskaya:

Between children, especially weather, rivalry for the attention of parents is not at all uncommon. In my opinion, the rivalry and jealousy of children to each other cannot be formed without the help of parents - that is, when parents come across the desire of children to draw them into their "disassembly". The quantity + quality of communication with kids has the same value. If children are missing him, and parents are busy all the time, it creates good ground for the development of jealousy.

Dr. Honey. Sciences, psychotherapist Viktor Kagan

The jealousy of the child at the birth of the second is quite common and ordinary things. And what to do parents who want to prevent the scandals in the family in advance and make all the children are loved and happy?

Experts believe that this problem is sometimes difficult to avoid, but to keep a healthy atmosphere in the house, to instill a sense of responsibility to the second baby, and it is even very necessary.

This is a complex and patient work in which three sides must interact:

mom (parents, relatives);
first child;
psychologist.

Jealousy between children is a normal phenomenon in terms of psychology. It is important to preserve the barrier between the passive form of manifestation and aggressive, so that the child did not cause accusations and conflict situations.

Let the birth of a second child become a pleasure for each family, and the children from the very appearance of the world found a common language and were friends with each other. How to achieve such benefits? Tips for wise and experienced professionals.

The reasons

The reasons for children's jealousy are simple and banal - the unwillingness to divide the native person, his attention and care with someone else.

A small child can be jealous to mom not only to the second kid, but also to work, car, computer, to everything that takes his time from his parents.

It is important to explain the chad correctly, why should you deal with such matters, and not spend all the time with him. Thus, it is possible to avoid various types of jealousy.

Types

Passive

the kid closed in himself, pretends to him that he is indifferent to the presence of a brother or sister;
he does not ask to play with the baby, keeps cold and removed;
he may have a viral disease, the abyss of appetite;
the child holds restrained and does not want to make contact with adults;
to the question "What happened?" He dismisses and does not speak the true cause of such an unusual behavior.

Semi-offal

the eldest child always seeks to return to childhood, begins to drink from the bottle, ask for a pot, even wring on the bed, asks him to feed it from the spoon, stretches on his hands, motivating it by "What cannot walk";
he is capricious, trying in any ways to attract attention.

Aggressive

A difficult form, when a child with screams and screams asks to attribute the younger hospital, spoils the property, refuses to obey in any case, suits the scandals and even trying to do painfully (bites, plump, pushes).

In all cases, the child is simply trying to take a major role in the family and how to receive all the affection and care for your favorite parents.

What needs to be done in order to bring peace and peace to the family? Become an exemplary mother and dad, to give children so much attention and caress, so that they have grown up and support for each other.

How to avoid the jealousy of the older child to the newborn. Tips for psychologist

The rivalry between the children begins in a period of pregnancy, when a mother with a rounded tummy can no longer jump and amused, as before, raise and smear the baby, lying with him and play the way he is already used to.

At this time, the Starfish begins to think that everything is happening because of the one who lies with mom in his stomach.

Preparation for pregnancy

It is important to introduce the firstborn to the world of waiting for the second. To tell how the kid grows, show photos, to acquaint the older child to communicate with the baby still in the tummy.
Walk together for gifts for the newborn. Let him choose things, clothes, toys to their taste.
It will be fine if parents in classes with the firstborn will use books, games, video tapes with role-playing productions, where a happy story will appear about the birth of a brother or sister).
Special attention should be paid to the child's regimeThe more calmer he will feel in the family, the less reasons for the emergence of zealous relations to the newborn.
Let the expectation of the second child be for the first interesting and a cheerful event. A meeting with a brother or sister - a happy and exciting holiday.

Discharging from maternity hospital

A meeting. This is a very responsible period. If the firstborn expects mom with a baby at home, then she first should be hugging and to attract a child, to say gentle words, talking about his health, so that he made sure that he was still loved and appreciated, despite the appearance in the family of one more Karapuza.
In the first days It is advisable to make a maximum of effort so that everything flows as your man, despite the fatigue and care of your mother, it is necessary to divide the time at all. Also read the fairy tales of a senior at night, play, kiss and hug it. If the firstborn is already an adult, then it can be added to the process of swimming, changing the newborn, show that such assistance is invaluable for you, and you love your child even more!
As children grow It is important to maintain a fair neutrality. When screaming and crying from children's children's heard, do not blame the firstborn, just because he is older. Such a model will bring detrimental consequences. It is necessary to figure it out in everything and fairly to endure punishment.
Help senior express your feelings! Mom should explain that jealousy is a normal phenomenon, that's just no need to scream, angry and show aggression in order to show its importance and cost. More often, pronounce the words of love and support, say what kind of independent, responsible caring.

Gradually develop a sense of attachment of children to each other, let each of them be sure of parental love and support.

Work on bugs

It happens that the jealousy of the child at the birth of the second is sharpened in the following cases:

excessive concentration of attention around the newborn;
senior child go to the background;
uncontrolled balobiness relatives of the second child;
lack of tactile mom's contact with firstborn;
intentional generalization of children (identical clothing, toys, gifts).

Parents should understand that each child is an individual, requiring certain attention, care and love on their part.

The position of relatives will be unenviable when they will "dance" near the newborn, forgetting to give attention and senior. The feeling of envy and jealousy, which can be provoked by such behavior of adults over the years, as a rule, develops into aggression and alienation of children.

It is very important when the second child appears not to lose psychological contact and mental communication with the firstborn. Also hugging, caressing, kissing it, spending time alone, communicate with him, to answer all the questions that arise.

Yes, sometimes it will do it hard, because the role of Pope in this situation is even more important. He must be near, help mom, be protection and support.

How to deal with children's jealousy at home

Do not violate the current traditions. If you drove a son or daughter on a circle, then try to do it and then, let the appearance of a new baby will not appear on the life of the elder.
Continue constant tactile contact With the firstborn, with each convenient case, hug it, kiss, say affectionate words, give love and tenderness.
Acquish the first chad to care about the second. Let him help you bring a towel to the bathroom, open the diaper, sink shampoo. Or cheer the crumb, sing a song, to dance, speed the grimace. Let him help choose a hat or pants for babies. Such participation will be positively affected by the neutralization of children of jealousy.
Sometimes the elder child can ask for a pacifier, take a pot, try not to refuse him in such pans. Believe me, this interest will be lost very quickly, and the firstborn will behave as usual.
Be sure to give time to the older alone Without distraction from the newborn. The child should not disappoint a twist cry, indicating that an interesting game with mom has already ended.

Of course, without children's jealousy, it is impossible to do without a children's jealousy, but if you try, you can prevent the deplorable consequences of such negative behavior of the firstborn.

Remember, Mom is the most important person in the life of every child, and therefore he should always feel her love and care. Only on us depends on how children will be in the future and how to get along with each other.

Patience to everyone, good and well-being!