Relationship with an adult daughter. Mother and adult daughter. Psychology of relationships. Psychologist's advice on resolving conflicts

My daughter also hates me since childhood. She was a terribly obstinate child. Under the huge influence of exA I have centuries. They blamed me for all the misfortunes of their son (formerly mine) and hammered my daughter into the head. It's my stupidity that I gave them my daughter for weekends and vacations. Returned from there such a stranger. She didn't perceive me as a mother. I didn’t try for me, didn’t regret it if I felt bad. I climbed out of the skin so that we had everything. I ruined my health, just not to need anything. She was 19 years old - she finally spoke out and then on the phone that no such mother wanted. And how bad she is with me. I cried so much. And I made such sacrifices to educate her. She didn't care. Walked. Sorry, I fucked up my studies. And I paid a lot of money. No one helped me with a penny. I restored it and again the same rake - I dropped out of school. On the day of defending my diploma, I found myself in bed with my future son-in-law. I was so stressed. Good. Gave her in marriage. She left the apartment. The apartment was overgrown with debts. And I was building, stretching, my future husband helped with money and the wedding, by the way, was played at his expense. Neither my daughter nor my son-in-law helped me at all in the house. It got to the point that I was going to get married. I sold the house. I gave the money to my future husband. How many pritenzy dried up because of the money, horror. She went abroad to her future husband. For a long time brought me to my senses. Got married. I went and sold the apartment and decided to take half of the money from the apartment. If they were people, everyone would be given away. She left. Happy in marriage. The husband is gold. After a while, they were found in the internet. Communicated. I sent them money. Everything seemed to be going fine. in 2014 the war in Donbass. They dragged them (already three) to Poland. We immediately broke off, went (1600 km) and took us from the camp. So much was brought and not only for them (they helped several more families), they rented an apartment. We bought everything that was missing. They helped them for 2 years. Experienced every important moment in their life. I was horrified how worried about how they are there, what they have, whether they will receive a status or a residence permit. Every news is such nerves. And my husband and I are making plans to be one family, we would give them everything, for their sake. And then suddenly my husband's remark to his son-in-law crossed everything out. Just one stroke. He just offered to try to talk to his son-in-law in Polish. In response, a checkmate on the mat and without letting my daughter talk, turned off Skype. I call - there is no answer. Writing. No answer. I am writing to my son-in-law, and he, the last boor, wrote this .... I began to write to shame. Daughter zero reaction. After 3 months, a call to home. First, half a minute daughter, and then son-in-law screaming and again obscenities that everything is just superb, and without us they can cope and fuck they don't need our loans and all that. .. I wrote to my daughter that I don’t want to listen to screams, obscenities, that I didn’t deserve such rudeness and that I don’t want to know them with such behavior. And me after a nervous breakdown. Only from the hospital. Nerves are generally kaput. And then the answer from the daughter-rubbish. That I'm a stupid mother. That I lost them. What my granddaughter doesn't like after what I wrote to her, but wrote that she too is selfish, like her mother in connection with the fact that neither my husband in April nor me in May congratulated me on his birthday. Then he writes that there could be no scandal, that I started. So that I no longer write and at the end: - "bitch go to ... Live for yourself and for the sake of ... Good luck scum." After that, I was crying senile. Inside, the whole soul has decayed. Heart burned out. My hand began to be taken away. There is no day that I don’t think about it all. How painful it is to realize that your own daughter is such a cruel, soulless, terrible person. Never in my life asked for forgiveness. I have no idea what I'm going through. How it hurts me. Such an impression that it is even a pleasure for her, brings her joy every my suffering. She didn't let me be a mommy, loving, caring and grandmother now. But I have only one. I was afraid to give birth to a drunkard, her father, children more. But she no longer has anyone.

Very often, conflict situations occur between a mother and an adult daughter. Some people talk about the situation, complaining about resentment to their girlfriends. And some do not take dirty linen in public and in public pretend that everything is fine and peace and tranquility reign in the family.

Paper will endure everything ...

There are situations when a daughter is in such conflict with her mother that she literally annoys her. And even a reason is not required for a quarrel. Any little thing becomes a cause of indignation. In this case, mom plays the role of a kind of lightning rod. She becomes to blame for literally all the troubles and troubles.

A similar situation, according to psychologists, stretches from childhood. Initially, this is unnecessary advice and a lack of mutual understanding. Further, a keen desire to receive praise, support, sympathy and pride from the mother, which is not satisfied in any way. Naturally, the best option would be to completely remove and abstract from such an attitude. However, every person has an urgent need to love their parents. And she cannot disappear, even if she really wants to.

To mitigate the situation, psychologists recommend putting the problem on paper. You can write a letter to your mother, in which you can express not only your dissatisfaction, but also your expectations. The same can be said about how you love her, appreciate her and wish to live in peace and harmony. The daughter writes this letter for herself. It does not have to be given to the mother. It is written in order to recognize the need for parents and in communication with them.

The next psychological technique to take control of a conflict situation is the ability to feel compassion and gratitude for the mother. Realize the fact that you will not have another mother, that you love her, regardless of her shortcomings. Even when angry, you need to understand that you are angry at a dear and close person who is trying to do everything in his power for you. Sometimes mom can and will express her thoughts harshly and not in the way you would like. But perhaps her actions speak of good intentions. You must try to feel gratitude for her help and close your eyes to sharp statements.

Shifting the blame of the adult daughter onto the mother and vice versa

There is such a concept: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter has a life of her own, with victories and defeats, which has different reasons for dissatisfaction. This is the wrong profession, a lack of financial resources and a possibly unsuccessful personal life.

If a daughter does not have a beloved man, then subconsciously she blames her mother for this. And if there are relationships, but they are unstable and full of difficulties, then mom is also to blame for this. Even with a husband, it is the mother who plays the role of a lightning rod. Why does this happen? Because a woman can not tell her husband everything she thinks. She often fears a scandal. But the negative emotions that accumulate must find a way out. So it turns out that all your irritation, albeit without malice, splashes out on my mother. The daughter believes that the mother will understand and forgive everything.

Parents are offended when children express their complaints to them. After all, they really do everything they can for them. It is very important for the mother to put aside false guilt and understand that all the children in the world have a lot to blame and often unhappy with their parents. An amazing fact is that those who were abandoned by their parents, sent them to orphanages, love them very much and not only do not blame them for anything, but even justify many of their actions.

Growing up, each girl begins to show signs of discontent with her loved ones. This is a natural process of personality formation. Otherwise, it will be quite difficult for the daughter to enter adulthood and find for herself a new object of idealization - her man.

At this moment, the mother just needs to be near and allow her child to be disappointed in herself somewhere. It is worth mentioning that in spite of everything, she loves her child and does everything she can for him. It is natural that every mother has doubts that she is raising her child correctly. She is going through the growing up of a child as hard as her daughter herself. It is important to find the strength to let go of your child.

Can you grow old together?

Not all mothers realize in time that their daughter has already grown up and become an adult woman. Sometimes they continue to treat them like little children, give unnecessary advice, reproach for any actions. Naturally, this behavior drives the daughter out of herself. She wants to build her own life and has the right to decide for herself how she should act.

All reproaches and advice from the mother look in the eyes of her daughter as if the mother considers her stupid and not independent. That is why adult girls try to protect their lives from their mother's influence as much as possible. And this is the best way things can unfold.

The most negative option is the situation when the mother, with her powerful and powerful character, breaks the will of her adult daughter and completely subordinates her to herself. She often blackmails and manipulates her child, sometimes not realizing that this has a detrimental effect on her daughter's life. This may even lead to the fact that an adult daughter will not build her personal life and will simply live quietly and limply next to her mother. They will grow old together, and this is a sad picture.

What does a mother need to do so as not to ruin her daughter's life? It is important to stop teaching and advising her when not required. An adult daughter has the right to build her own life, make mistakes and make mistakes. She must gain her own experience and become an accomplished person.

Quite often, resentments and misunderstandings stand in the way of friendly relations between mother and daughter. Even an adult child wants to feel mother's love, affection and praise. Sometimes, in their grievances, children become isolated and fenced off from their parents, ceasing to communicate and visit. This is, as it were, the answer to the misunderstanding and trauma received in childhood. It is important throughout your life to be ready for dialogue with your children, to hear them and in an accessible form to convey your thoughts to them.

She will definitely succeed

When a daughter has grown up, it is important not to compete with her for primacy and supremacy in a relationship. It is not worth it to dictate your conditions and make demands. Sometimes you even need to be silent and swallow the offense, take upon yourself the pain of your child. In the future, all this will be healed with love, which will return to you a hundredfold.

Every mother should understand that she is an important and close person in her daughter's life, no matter what. Even as an adult, she needs you very much. But not in reproaches and teachings, but in support and understanding. You can't let the resentment come between you. Someone has to take the first step, step over the situation, and start a conversation. So why not play this role of a wise and loving mother. Sometimes it will be enough just to come up and hug the rebellious daughter, who may no longer be happy with the conflict she has started, but due to her character or age cannot decide on the first step towards reconciliation.

However, there are situations that you cannot get out of only with the help of dialogue. Then the mother should not aggravate the situation, but take time out. You should not try to forcefully correct the situation. It's easier to let go of the relationship, distance yourself from each other, and let life take things right. At this point, it is best to forget about disagreements, not fix anything, expect nothing, and how to become just an outside observer.

Having matured and gained worldly wisdom, as well as having given birth to her child, your daughter will understand and realize everything. And perhaps your relationship will improve, become trusting and friendly. It just takes a little wait.

Other articles on this topic:

How can a father raise a daughter? Oedipus complex The problem of parental love How to overcome childish stubbornness? Wife and mistress: a difficult choice How to tell a child that his mom is dead? Uncontrollable child

Hello!

About 4 years ago or more, I somehow looked at this forum, they gave me very sensible advice, it helped (there were problems with my husband). So now I come again, my head is spinning. I don’t know where to start. In general, it's bad with mom. Very bad. I'll try to tell you from the very beginning.
As far back as I can remember, my mother always suppressed me and built me ​​up. In early childhood she built, in adolescence, when she graduated from university, when she started working, when she got married - everything remained the same. And you understand, this is all done very, very subtly. Probably, it would be easier for me if there was an open war, well, there are scandals, insults, and so on) No. Everything is done in such a way that I feel that I have been surrounded from all sides.

My parents really did a lot for me financially and socially. They gave me a good education, bought an apartment at a fairly early age. All this was not easy for them, they really worked hard, denied themselves in many ways. But. Morally, they crippled me, and now, from a height of 29, I clearly understand this.

Mom never taught me to be a woman, to build my relationships with men in a normal, healthy way. She herself is a leader, dad is a gentle person, although in life she has always been successful, worked, held a serious post. It's just that their mother always decided everything for them. I don’t know what he has there, his love is so great for her that he endures it all, or he’s just not as punchy in life as she is, and gave her the reins to everyone’s satisfaction. In general, they tried to educate me in the same way. Study, work, earn, do not be dependent on a man, decide everything yourself. And we helped you, you owe us the grave of your life. If, in short, details are needed, I will write.

Mom is cold. She never hugged or kissed me as a child. I have never felt loved. As I got older, I could never get support from my mother, that's exactly moral support in something. From her were always heard only C / U about how to act, and emotions were always set aside. Well, maybe it's good and comfortable for her, but I'm different.

Until recently, my mother tried to control my income and expenses (!!!) At first there was discontent that I didn’t work (I got married, moved to my husband in another city and for some time just got used to the new environment), then discontent with those where and how I work, then she tried to find out how much I earn. Then they sent instructions of this kind - don't buy the car, you will break it. Take the money to this bank, it’s more profitable. Now I remember and laugh, but then, at 24, it was not funny at all. Sometimes she acted through my dad, that is, he called and washed my brain.
And, the apotheosis of everything - when my husband and I had serious problems, it came to divorce, she took his side! However, I was always bad with her, no matter what I did. Studying is not good enough, my job is not very reliable (I am a freelancer), I have problems with my husband - I chose this one myself (he is young, I had financial problems, and even so, I grew up slower than I did, quarreled over general issues). In general, criticism from all sides.

I decided to make a list of complaints against my mother / parents:

From the present:
1. Constant criticism of any of my actions. Well, it comes to insanity! Why are you doing so much sports, dieting (no diets! I just eat healthy food), you are too thin, you look bad, you look tortured and sick. As a result, I began to be afraid to make decisions, or to inform them about them. Because I will not hear a kind word. But is it life to hide everything from parents? I guess someone lives like this. It is still difficult for me to accept for myself that I may have to live like this.
2. Lack of moral help / support. Any (!!!) question smoothly flows into point 1. That is, if you ask for advice / support / help, you are bad, stupid, otherwise you would not have got into this situation. As I understand it, she has nothing to say, she simply does not know how to give good advice and therefore makes me guilty. Or maybe, she doesn't want, she doesn't need it - the problems of an adult daughter.
3. Underestimating me on all fronts, any of my merits are THEIR merits, I earn good money - they gave me an education, sent me abroad. And do not care how much I plowed, getting my profession. To understand that this was also not easy for me, and I invested in full, and now I am offended to hear this - they do not want to. But if something is bad for me, objectively - it was me from the beginning, such a bull's-eye was born. Well, it's very difficult to live like that.

From past:
1. Constant pressure, management, insistence on your opinion. I was chosen a profession, thank God, it turned out that at least it was not disgusting to me and I was able to work. But time is lost, I could easily get another profession, now I understand that it is too late to do this. Yes, and other tasks are now before me. But it's a shame that I could not be lucky, I know many examples when children, under pressure from their parents, chose the wrong profession and then could not work.
2. From very early childhood - this is the insult of dislike, underrun. Again, thank God, it happened to me that there was someone to polish. There was (and is!) A woman who replaced my mother in a moral issue. Perhaps that is why I am more or less adequate
3. Actually, a very important problem for me is bringing me up to be such a "strong woman", a boy-woman. At the age of 25, I had to educate myself on this topic, read books, build new relationships with my husband. In short, I was taught to take responsibility, to solve men's problems, which could not but affect my relationship with my husband. Well, I straightened something, but it’s still sausage. Until now, in conflicts, I pull myself back, realizing that I am again walking in my mother's way. Okay, I agree that now I am in charge. I realized the problem, my mother can no longer be blamed, now I am responsible for my behavior. But yopt, she continues. As soon as I ask her opinion on any problem, how, for example, turn to my husband to do it, I get the answer - yes, go and do it yourself! Leave him alone! As a result, even my husband openly tells me that I again do not behave like a woman and do not let him solve problems. Vicious circle...

How to sum it all up ... I guess I'm no longer interested in building a good relationship with my mom. I understand that people do not change and she cannot give me what she does not have. But because of this I feel bad, I want to stop suffering morally. My husband supports me very much. But I would not want to transfer these emotions to my husband, he should be my husband, not daddy.

I don't know what to do with the fact that my parents really gave me a lot and now they are demanding for it. Well, I cannot rewind time and from the age of 17 build my destiny differently - to go to study in another place, not to live in an apartment that they gave me, and so on. It turns out that I cannot morally repay this debt to them, because I feel far from rosy emotions for my mother. The way they are now communicating with me is simply unbearable. Probably, the question I have for the forum is how to build such a relationship with my mother so that I do not feel constant guilt for being a bad daughter? How to settle the issue that they gave me something, but I cannot return this debt to them with the coin they want?

I have a pregnancy. I am horrified to think about what may await me. Unsolicited advice, comments, assessment, criticism. I'm even ashamed to say, I'm afraid to go on maternity leave and devote time to my family, because my mother, damn it, will nag me that I don't work! Well, this is already getting ridiculous, I myself understand ... but the fact is the fact.

In general, something like that. I am ready to answer any questions. Help me please.

An overdue topic, although it is not at all easy to discuss, may even condemn, our mothers and make some conclusions. But, too many women come to see a psychologist with this question - my own mother does not allow me to live, what should I do?

I will make a reservation right away - you should not read this article for women whose relationship with their mother is good and calm, you will not understand the pain and suffering of many women who do not know such parental relationships, who have not experienced maternal love, care and understanding. You are very lucky to be born into a loving and caring family, just like me. But there is also a downside to the relationship - a complete non-mutual understanding, disrespect and even indifference on the part of the seemingly closest and dearest person - mother.

Situations are different. In one family, a mother does not allow her young daughter to date a boyfriend. In another, an adult daughter, having her own family, for some reason must always consult with her mother and receive a positive assessment from her.

Or, even worse, when the mother is in frank contradiction with her son-in-law, saying unpleasant things about him, thereby unnerving her daughter.She constantly asks her to help her in anything, although she herself can easily cope, as long as her daughter takes care of her. And so on, there are many cases.

But the essence is the same - the mother does not let her daughter go from herself! And no matter how old the daughter is, maybe already well over 40, she still controls her, watching her every act, forcing her to report on past events. She definitely needs to speak out on any occasion, although no one asks her opinion, and the mother does not even care whether her daughter is upset or not. "What's the matter? I am your mother and I wish you only the best! " Completely not realizing that this is the "best" for her, and not for her daughter. Can throw up tears if she doesn't like the reaction and statements to her comments. And no requests and persuasions work on her, in response either an offense with the words “how can you offend your mother?”, Or a quarrel with shouting and insults. Well, she does not understand that her daughter must live her own life, that she has her own character, unlike her mother, and maybe similar, but she does not want to live as her mother tells her! She does not understand that her daughter is a completely independent person, capable of taking responsibility for her own actions, wanting to live her own life, making her own mistakes! He does not want to understand this, sincerely believing that he loves his daughter, and wishes her only well.

What to do? This is a difficult, unfortunately, unsolvable problem. It is impossible to re-educate your mother, to force her to reconsider her views, to change her position in relation to her own child. Such a mother! The simplest thing is to leave. Try not to talk on the phone for a long time, give less information, talk only about the most important things. Do not enter into polemics or discuss any events that are unpleasant for you, do not give a reason for moralizing. The less information the mother has, the less talk and instruction. But this does not mean categorically that you can forget about her, in any case! Even having come to visit her or help, as soon as the "moral" begins, let your mother know that this is a "difficult" topic for you. Try to convey to her all your thoughts and considerations about which you have a conflict or argument. A sincerely loving mother will always understand you, but if there is no mutual understanding, then the principle is simple - less communication! It will be better for everyone! Sooner or later, mom will understand how much she needs you, accepting your opinion and position. Don't forget about your mother, but also remember about yourself and your family! And draw conclusions so that your daughter does not suffer from you!