Why does a natural mother hate her grown daughter? Hate and disgust for the mother

25.05.2019

The problem of fathers and children has existed for ages; it is described in the works of classical literature, expressed in art, music, cinema, many historical sources testify to it. A lot of scientific research is devoted to research in this area, trying to understand the reasons for enmity between two generations; a huge amount of money has been spent on studying this problem. However, literally over the past few decades, our country has been engulfed in an epidemic of hatred of parents, which is gaining threatening momentum and is growing like a cancerous tumor.

The reasons for the appearance of such a fierce, all-consuming hatred among descendants towards those who gave birth to them are different, and require discussion in a separate article. The sharp decline in the spiritual and moral health of citizens, the destruction of the ideals of marriage and family, low incomes among the bulk of the population and many other factors are also affecting. Those immoral principles that are promoted by the modern media and have a destructive effect on the human psyche, especially a small child, deserve a special talk.

Today we will talk about the harmful effects of hatred towards those closest to you, which affects many areas of life. The debate on this topic has been going on for a long time, but not all the conclusions drawn are true and truthful and can be useful. On the contrary, they can lead you into such a jungle, from which it will be very difficult, if not impossible at all.

For example, there is a widespread misconception that if parents have not done anything good for the child, then there is absolutely nothing to respect them for. First, here it is necessary to understand what criteria the supporters of this erroneous opinion use to assess the significance and "goodness" of certain actions of their parents. Someone is experiencing strong resentment and anger, someone is angry with their parents because they do not have a castle in France and do not take them to rest in the Alps. Someone hardens at them at the moment of refusal to purchase a personal vehicle, in a simple way - a car. There are also children who are furious that their parents do not want to buy them new jeans. It is unlikely that the above criteria deserve at least a bit of attention and sympathy. But there are also those people who were subjected to harsh treatment and suffered beatings, bullying and humiliation from their parents, or were completely abandoned by them to their own devices. There are those who suffer because their parents did not give them enough attention, care and love, ignored them in every possible way and preferred a career to spending time with their children. But, nevertheless, can these children feel hatred towards those who gave birth to them?

Undoubtedly, they can - no one has the right to forbid a person to experience certain feelings. But whether this will benefit them themselves is a question of the first degree of importance, and below we will consider it.

Relatives should be respected at least for the fact that their blood flows in us. Each of us has both something good and something bad. It just often happens that in different people, either the first or the second prevails. Nevertheless, you should think about the fact that if you and I turned out so good, then it could not happen just like that, suddenly, by magic. This is also a certain merit of our ancestors, thanks to whom our parents were born: after all, nobody canceled the genetic factor! If parents, for one reason or another, did not live up to our expectations, this does not mean that they are automatically bad people. It is likely, for example, that something happened in their life that shocked them and had a very strong impact, developing a share of negative qualities. For this, they should only sympathize and pity them: it is not known how we would behave if we were in a similar situation. It is possible that their kindness, their soulfulness were broken under the yoke of oppressive circumstances, and they did not find the strength to fight to get out of them. However, our parents passed on these qualities to us, whether consciously or unconsciously. And they themselves received them from their parents, and their parents - from their own, and so on. Therefore, we would not be what we are now if we were growing up in a different family. So, it still makes sense to show respect for those thanks to whom we were born.

If a person renounces his family and friends, he denies himself. To force a person to do something against his will is undoubtedly very difficult, and to force something to feel is doubly problematic. The saying “There is no word“ I don’t want ”, there is the word“ must ”is relevant only for the work“ obligation ”. “It is necessary,” for example, to go to work, but how many thousands (or millions?) Of people do it with gritted teeth and reluctantly? But respect for neighbors, including relatives, belongs to a completely different category. "Honor your father and your mother, that your days on earth may be long." Many pay attention only to the first part of the commandment, completely forgetting about the second part of it - "so that your days on earth may be prolonged." The Lord does not tell us “Love your father and your mother”, He tells us “Honor”. Let's take a look at the meaning of this word. According to Dahl's dictionary, “to read is to consider, to recognize, to accept, to believe”. The key words here are “acknowledge” and “accept”. That is - recognize your parents and accept them as they are, so that you it was good on the ground. You will not change your parents in any way, but with your bad attitude towards them you can harm yourself very much. If you hate them with fierce hatred, get angry with them, take offense, etc., then who will you do worse? Is it for them? Not at all - they are neither hot nor cold from your inventions and emotions. It's unpleasant, of course, that their own child has such unpleasant feelings for them, but can they do about it? Moreover, many parents do not admit any guilt at all, consider themselves absolutely right everywhere and in everything, and write off all the flaws on the bad character of their child: you ungrateful brute ?! ”.

The relationship between aggression, anger and hatred has been scientifically proven. Negative feelings can "settle" inside us, which will lead to various somatic problems: headaches, gastric and cardiovascular diseases (more about this can be found in the studies of American psychologists K. Isard and R. Holt, for example). Currently, many doctors approach the treatment of diseases, relying on the direction of psychosomatic medicine: a conceptual approach to health and disease, which considers these conditions as the interaction of psychological, social and biological factors. The American scientist Franz Alexander writes very interestingly about this in his work "Psychosomatic Medicine" (despite his psychoanalytic approach). Naturally, negative feelings and emotions and subsequent illnesses do not at all contribute to the prolongation of our life on earth and give rise to a number of other negative manifestations: envy, of various kinds and nature of addiction, depression, feelings of loneliness, fear, etc.

Therefore, if we look at the feelings we feel towards our parents from a “mercantile” and “practical” point of view, it is absolutely “unprofitable” for us to hate and wish harm to those thanks to whom we were born. Therefore, you should learn to accept your parents as they are, because we are not able to change anything in their thinking and behavior. But we (and only us!) Are subject to change of our own “I”, our soul, our character; we can control our actions and actions, striving to eradicate in ourselves that which hinders us so much.

This is what is the key to inner peace. Until we ourselves find our key in a bunch of other keys, we will not be able to open the door behind which there is spiritual harmony and balance.

The second key to peace of mind is humility in our own pride, which is the source of many of our problems. While pride prevails over us, we are like that fabulous Alice who wandered in her Wonderland, and, bumping into a small door, could not enter it, because she was too large and high. So our pride is so great and high that it does not allow us to achieve comfort and tranquility. The topic of pride is also worth discussing in a separate article.

In order to change your attitude towards your parents, you must sincerely and wholeheartedly forgive them. You need to get rid of the oppressive resentment, to root it out of your soul. We'll talk about how to learn to forgive in the next article.

Question from Natalia, Krasnodar:

And if you want to kill your mother, what to do?

Tatiana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist answers:

Hello Natasha!

Such thoughts arise from despair. You feel very bad, and you blame your mother for it. Often the closest people hurt us more than sworn enemies. Perhaps you feel a heavy resentment, you feel that your mother treats you unfairly, hurts you with incomprehension, her words and actions. Alas, you are not alone in this situation.

Unfortunately, very often between parents and children there are extremely negative feelings, up to and including hatred. Parents hate their children for not living up to their expectations, disobeying and doing what they want.

Children hate their parents for slightly different reasons. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the main condition for the full development of a child, and therefore the ability to feel joy from life, is the feeling of safety and security that he receives directly from his mother.

There may be little food or toys, poor conditions or poor health, but if the child feels that he is safe with his mother, that his mother is calm and, just a little, will always protect him, then his psyche develops normally. He is growing, mastering new skills, knowledge and territories. Gradually, she prepares to break away from her parents and go into adulthood, independently providing herself with a sense of security and safety.

If the mother screams, hits, or breaks down on the child all the time, then the child does not feel this basic vital feeling. It is even worse when a mother does not understand the nature of the mental structure of her child and begins to make impossible demands on him. For example, constantly jerking a leisurely representative of the anal vector, or, even worse, shaming him in front of friends. Or yelling in the ears of a sound child, preventing them from concentrating.

Why does mom do that?

First, because he perceives the child through himself, that is, he does not understand the difference in properties, does not understand his characteristics and needs. And he does exactly the opposite of what the child needs: he yells at the sound engineer, hurries the anal guy, hits the skinny, scares the spectator. Not deliberately makes him bad: she just does not know the best options.

And secondly, because she herself feels bad. It is bad for various reasons: an unhappy childhood, an unsettled relationship with her husband, lack of fulfillment. Without a feeling of safety and security inside, the mother cannot convey this feeling to the child. On the contrary, unwittingly, she dumps her bad states, fears, frustrations on him.

What happens to the child?

Losing a sense of security, receiving psychological trauma, a child is not able to develop normally, he cannot learn to receive a sense of satisfaction from the involvement of his natural properties, and the formation of skills and abilities necessary for adult life is disturbed. Growing up, the child is not able to take full responsibility for his life upon himself and now, in turn, accumulates difficult conditions and frustrations. When we feel bad, we hate ...

It is especially hard for children with a sound vector. Shouts, humiliation of parents hit the most sensitive place of the sound engineer. And he, able to perceive the subtlest sounds, closes in himself in order to protect his psyche from this shock. His ability to contact the outside world is rapidly diminishing.

The soundman is little concerned with material things, he is focused on his inner states, after all, his task is to reveal the meaning of life, the unconscious nature of man. He can do this only by maintaining adequate contact with the outside world. Withdrawal into oneself is always, sooner or later, accompanied by depression - this is the most serious condition that a person cannot cope with alone.

There is no value in the sound of the body, on the contrary, there is a feeling that I am my soul, and the body is like an appendage, like an interfering element that rivets the sound engineer to this hateful, painful world. Therefore, the hatred that arises in a state of depression is often aimed at destroying the bodies of both one's own and others. Often such thoughts are facilitated by the presence of an anal vector in a state of severe resentment against the mother and the world.

When we feel good, we don't hate

What is important - the occurrence of these states is natural, but this is not a sentence. Having found the cause of their occurrence, we are able to neutralize the most difficult conditions. Hatred and the desire to die for another goes away when we find support within ourselves, realize our real desires and understand how to fulfill them. This is evidenced by the many reviews of sound specialists who survived similar difficult conditions, but managed to regain the meaning of life and the ability to enjoy it.

Understanding the reasons for the behavior of one's own parents, forgiving childhood grievances, throwing off the heavy burden of negative relationships - all these problems are helped by the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written using materials from trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Tatiana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist

Chapter:

Hello dear readers. In this article, we will look at a situation where a daughter hates her mother. We will look at what factors can influence the occurrence of feelings of hatred. You will learn how to behave in a similar situation.

Foundations of Hate

The psychology of a teenager is designed in such a way that he can show extreme emotions. Hatred and rage often come out. Due to age, such manifestations can be a variant of the norm.

A terrible situation is when you hear the phrase "I hate my mother" from a teenage girl. And this is shocking, since the young girl is a future mother herself.

Let's look at why such phenomena can be observed.

The girl in childhood was deprived of the attention of her mother, she lacked care and warmth.
The family constantly had quarrels, scandals, and the parents often blamed the child for all the problems.
The wrong method of education, in particular, aggressive, authoritarian, the use of suppressive techniques.
The mother caused certain painful feelings in the mind of her daughter, disappointed her.
A conflict can arise in a situation when a mother is trying to teach her daughter life, and the girl wants to be independent, she does not like being forced to listen to someone's instructions.
A woman may refuse to recognize her daughter's interests, her outlook on life. It is not uncommon for a teenage girl to feel hatred towards her parent when her mother does not approve of her choice regarding both friends and boyfriends.
The daughter may feel hatred when the mother tries to fulfill her dreams with her help. For example, it makes you dance.
Conflict can be formed on the basis of the fact that neither the mother nor the daughter can yield. Each is trying to prove her innocence, to defend her point of view, does not want to listen to the opinion of the other.
Growing up in an incomplete family. The situation when a woman is raising a daughter herself is not uncommon. The girl can accuse the parent of not having a father. Mom can not withstand the stress, sometimes she breaks down on the child. The daughter, experiencing the strongest resentment, will accumulate hatred for her mother.
A child may hate a mother when he finds out that a woman is cheating on the family, in particular, she has a relationship on the side.
The daughter's dislike may be due to the presence of younger children in the family, on whom all the mother's attention is concentrated.
The woman constantly points out the shortcomings of her daughter, compares her with other, more successful, beautiful girls.
Guardianship can also lead to feelings of hatred. A teenager does not like a mother who constantly points out mistakes, tries to protect, controls every step.
In a situation where a girl behaves badly towards her mother, breaks down on her, is rude, openly shows her hatred for no apparent reason, it is necessary to seek help from a psychotherapist. It is not uncommon that it is the mother who will need help in such a situation. Only a specialist will be able to understand, identify the true reasons for the emergence of such relationships, and improve the climate in the family.

How to behave

A woman must realize that her daughter is already old enough, the time has come for her to take responsibility for herself. It is necessary to understand that the child is already capable of making decisions.
It is recommended that some kind of hobby should appear in the mother's life, to which she would give all her free time, and not waste it on getting her daughter, to control her.
If your daughter claims that she lacks attention, take time for her. Try to communicate every day, just sit nearby, have a heart-to-heart talk. Ideal if you can find a common hobby like knitting or cooking.
Think about what methods you are raising a child. Perhaps push your daughter too much, resort to aggression, overly control. In such a situation, it is time to understand that such a behavior model is fundamentally wrong. You need to correct yourself, otherwise you will ruin the child, turn your daughter against yourself forever.
Never blame children for family problems. If your daughter witnesses a family conflict, apologize to her. Try to avoid scandals at home in the future.
It's time to come to terms with the fact that a child can have his own opinion on any issue, his own views on life. You need to understand that her point of view also has the right to life.
It is unacceptable to compare your daughter with other girls. You need to praise your child, celebrate her achievements. It is important to compare what my daughter was before and what she is now, what she has achieved. And even if your daughter has very few dignities, you still have to love her, accept her for who she is, support her at any moment.
Try to complain to your child as little as possible, talking about how hard life is for you, what problems you have. There is no need for her to bother her head with this.
Never blame your daughter for putting youth on her upbringing. Nobody asked you about it.

One of my acquaintances, Katya, hates her mother to this day. The reason is excessive custody. It so happened that Katya grew up in an incomplete family, her mother decided to devote herself entirely to the child, did not begin to arrange her personal life. The woman constantly controlled Katya, overprotected her, did not allow her to communicate with those with whom she wanted. Then she began to reproach her daughter that she was not grateful, that because of her mother was left alone, without a man. As soon as the girl became an adult, she packed her things and left for the guy in another city. At first, she still tried to communicate with her mother, occasionally called her on the phone, then she stopped making contact altogether, since the woman at every opportunity reproached her daughter with her behavior and ingratitude over the years spent on her upbringing. Everyone condemns Katya for having renounced her mother.

It is very important to think in time about how we bring up children, what kind of relationship we have with our parents, so that in old age it does not turn out to be unnecessary to anyone, with the understanding that your own child does not love you.

Now you know what to do in a situation when your daughter treats her mother badly, hates her. It is necessary to understand that in many cases a woman can be mistaken in how the child treats her. It is also necessary to take into account age-related changes, hormonal changes in the body of a teenager. It is important to maintain the correct attitude towards the daughter, to take into account her characteristics, needs, not to put pressure on the child, surrounding him with unnecessary care. Remember that if necessary, you should seek help from a psychologist.

Hello! I’ll go straight to the problem. Hatred for his own mother is growing every day. I really want to understand myself and the painful relationship, and not only between me and my mother, but also between me and my daughter.
My mother is a very strong person, such a little man in a skirt. Naturally, there was never any question of any intimacy between us. But for that I had a kind and caring father, who remains so. For as long as I can remember with my dad, I felt comfortable, but from my mother, given that she beat us hard, I tried to stay away. At the first opportunity, at the age of 19, I jumped out to get married and gave birth to a daughter. But the marriage was unsuccessful.
And now it is not noticeable for myself, according to the same scenario as my mother, I began to raise my daughter, for which I am now reaping the benefits. My daughter is now 14 years old, in the summer she will be 15. And now, with the next brainwashing, she ran away to her grandmother (her husband's mother) Fortunately, my daughter has a place to go, unlike me at her age.
With all this, my mother called my ex-mother-in-law and let's discuss me and say how bad I am. In principle, I always knew that it was not worth waiting for support from her, but it was still a shame. I was so guilty before my child that she does not even want to see me, and the worst thing is that I understand why ...
Help, advise me how to be, what to do.

Good afternoon, Dana!

I really want to understand myself and the painful relationship, and not only between me and my mother, but also between me and my daughter. I support your desire to understand what does not bring joy and satisfaction ... but here in the letter, it will be difficult to do, there will be only hypotheses and assumptions, and you, like your situation, are individual.

I was so guilty before my child that she does not even want to see me, and the worst thing is that I understand why ... At that moment, Dana, you could not do otherwise and you acted as you felt.

Consider going to a psychologist for personal therapy and trying to figure out and change something in your life scenario.

Good luck. Sincerely,

Labutina Larisa Sergeevna, psychologist Astana

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Dana, good afternoon.

It often happens that if a woman has a difficult relationship with her mother, she subsequently transfers all unresolved problems to her relationship with her daughter. It's good that you noticed that you are acting in the same destructive scenario as your mother. This means that you are willing and ready to make a difference.
Working with a psychologist can help you. Being inside a situation, it is extremely difficult to assess it objectively. The specialist will help you look at the situation in a new way, outline the steps to change your internal state. The external environment, relationship with your daughter may change after your internal transformation.
I can assume that you have low self-esteem - when a person grows up next to an overbearing and critical mother, he is almost always not very confident in himself. Together with a psychologist, you can work out a deep resentment against your mother and get rid of her, get rid of guilt, believe in yourself, become self-sufficient and independent of your mother's opinion, learn to support yourself themselves.

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolyevna, psychologist Moscow

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Hello Dana, you were married and you have a daughter for 14 years.

Your phrase:

I really want to understand myself and the painful relationship, and not only between me and my mother, but also between me and my daughter.

one but of the important, since you yourself clearly see that hatred and the lack of understanding towards your mother did not prevent you from repeating exactly her mistakes, which led to the same hatred towards you, now your daughter.

Why did it happen like this? Let's try to figure it out together:

Firstly, hatred is a strong enough feeling with a minus sign. And if there is this feeling, it means somewhere deep in your Soul hides Love .

Polarity is in everything - and in nature ( day-night, cold-heat....) and feelings ( Love is hate, greed is generous b ....) and this gives a person the opportunity to be versatile and multifaceted, or, more simply, to be holistic.

But.... when a person completely leaves only one side of this polarity, then the harmony inside is violated and the person, as it were, blocks the opportunity to be flexible and at the same time maintain the balance of life.

You are so deeply stuck in your hatred that you forgot the main thing - you yourself can be a source Love and respect for herself, without expecting her from her mother.

Your mom, even though she beat and scolded you, most likely in her heart thinks that Loves you, she was simply not taught to show it, since she, just like you now, continues to live with a huge resentment towards everyone - towards life, towards her mother, towards people, towards herself ...

The more time she is in negative emotions, the more they become. You have completely and completely copied my mother's attitude both towards herself and towards the World as a whole. What you broadcast to the World comes back to you with tripled power. It’s like a boomerang law and it’s true. Nobody will give someone a smile and warmth if they receive only negative messages in return. You should stop now, analyze your life and remember at what moment you decided that there is no Love, that life is terrible and all people are different ...

It was this position that stood between you and your daughter, just as it once stood between you and your mother.

Let go of the condemnation of your mother, try to understand that you do not have and will not have another mother, and that your mother, with your help, will also be able to start the path to her change. To do this, it is worth starting to change your beliefs that the world is unfair, for the fact that you yourself are the mistress of your life and you can now change your poles from a big minus to a plus, and this will help to restore the violation that led to the cessation of the manifestation of Love to yourself. If it is difficult to understand and do it yourself, I recommend that you turn to a psychologist for personal advice and already in joint work to understand yourself much deeper and more effectively. Good luck.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana

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My daughter also hates me since childhood. She was a terribly obstinate child. Under the huge influence of exA I have centuries. They blamed me for all the misfortunes of their son (formerly mine) and hammered my daughter into the head. It's my stupidity that I gave them my daughter for weekends and vacations. Returned from there such a stranger. She didn't perceive me as a mother. I didn’t try for me, didn’t regret it if I felt bad. I climbed out of the skin so that we had everything. I ruined my health, just not to need anything. She was 19 years old - she finally spoke out and then on the phone that no such mother wanted. And how bad she is with me. I cried so much. And I made such sacrifices to educate her. She didn't care. Walked. Sorry, I fucked up my studies. And I paid a lot of money. No one helped me with a penny. I restored it and again the same rake - I dropped out of school. On the day of defending my diploma, I found myself in bed with my future son-in-law. I was so stressed. Good. Gave her in marriage. She left the apartment. The apartment was overgrown with debts. And I was building, stretching, my future husband helped with money and the wedding, by the way, was played at his expense. Neither my daughter nor my son-in-law helped me at all in the house. It got to the point that I was going to get married. I sold the house. I gave the money to my future husband. How many pritenzy dried up because of the money, horror. She went abroad to her future husband. For a long time brought me to my senses. Got married. I went and sold the apartment and decided to take half of the money from the apartment. If they were people, everyone would be given away. She left. Happy in marriage. The husband is gold. After a while, they were found in the internet. Communicated. I sent them money. Everything seemed to be going fine. in 2014 the war in Donbass. They dragged them (already three) to Poland. We immediately broke off, went (1600 km) and took us from the camp. So much was brought and not only for them (they helped several more families), they rented an apartment. We bought everything that was missing. They helped them for 2 years. Experienced every important moment in their life. I was horrified how worried about how they are there, what they have, whether they will receive a status or a residence permit. Every news is such nerves. And my husband and I are making plans to be one family, we would give them everything, for their sake. And then suddenly my husband's remark to his son-in-law crossed everything out. Just one stroke. He just offered to try to talk to his son-in-law in Polish. In response, a checkmate on the mat and without letting my daughter talk, turned off Skype. I call - there is no answer. Writing. No answer. I am writing to my son-in-law, and he, the last boor, wrote this .... I began to write to shame. Daughter zero reaction. After 3 months, a call to home. First, half a minute daughter, and then son-in-law screaming and again obscenities that everything is just superb, and without us they can cope and fuck they don't need our loans and all that. .. I wrote to my daughter that I don’t want to listen to screams, obscenities, that I didn’t deserve such rudeness and that I don’t want to know them with such behavior. And me after a nervous breakdown. Only from the hospital. Nerves are generally kaput. And then the answer from the daughter-rubbish. That I'm a stupid mother. That I lost them. What my granddaughter doesn't like after what I wrote to her, but wrote that she too is selfish, like her mother in connection with the fact that neither my husband in April nor me in May congratulated me on his birthday. Then he writes that there could be no scandal, that I started. So that I no longer write and at the end: - "bitch go to ... Live for yourself and for the sake of ... Good luck scum." After that, I was crying senile. Inside, the whole soul has decayed. Heart burned out. My hand began to be taken away. There is no day that I don’t think about it all. How painful it is to realize that your own daughter is such a cruel, soulless, terrible person. Never in my life asked for forgiveness. I have no idea what I'm going through. How it hurts me. Such an impression that it is even a pleasure for her, brings her joy every my suffering. She didn't let me be a mommy, loving, caring and grandmother now. But I have only one. I was afraid to give birth to a drunkard, her father, children more. But she no longer has anyone.