What is a codependent relationship in an alcoholic family? The problem of co-dependent relationships in alcoholic families

01.10.2019

Distribution problem addiction to psychoactive substances(surfactant) is one of the most acute problems of modern society.

Some statistics 2006: the number of alcoholic beverages sold per capita in the Republic of Belarus was 10.1 liters (vodka and alcoholic beverages - 11.0 liters; beer - 34.1 liters).

Died from alcohol-related causes (suicides, drownings, suicides, poisoning, road accidents, murders) 15,811 people.

At the end of 2006 registered with narcologists consisted of 269,039 patients (+ 4.4% per year):

alcoholism - 175,898 (+ 2.8%);
drug addiction - 6,427 (+ 4.5%);
alcoholic psychoses - 2,392 cases;
women - 42,857 (+ 9.7%),
adolescents - 19,487 (+ 4.5%), of which 9.5% are minors under 14 years of age.

unfavorable trend is an increase in the incidence among young people, including adolescents, women, an increase in the number of drug addicts. More than 30% of crimes are committed by minors under the influence of alcohol.

In statistics hospitalizations in psychiatric clinics adolescents with delinquent forms of behavior in combination with alcoholism, toxication and drug addiction currently account for about 40%.

Dependence on psychoactive substances is not always a problem only for the person suffering from it. The cause of addictive (dependent) behavior is often interpersonal relationships in families, and not only marital, but also child-parental. This problem is usually considered within the framework of codependent behavior (prefix co- indicates a combination of actions). According to one definition, codependency is a symptom of family dysfunction.

The concept of codependency so far rarely used outside a narrow circle of specialists. The term appeared as a result of studying the nature of chemical addictions, their impact on a person and the impact that a chemically dependent disease has on others. For example, an alcoholic depends on alcohol, or a drug addict depends on drugs, a gambler depends on a casino or a computer, and their loved ones depend on the alcoholic, drug addict or gambler. On the one hand, this is just a general phrase, because. We are all dependent on each other to varying degrees. But unlike other addictions, codependency has a number of clinical characteristics. Infection with this disease does not occur immediately, but is formed depending on personal characteristics, lifestyle, life experience, past events.

According to American researchers, 98% of the adult population has the problem of codependency in the United States. It underlies all addictions: chemical, money, food, work, sex, etc., that is, where there is a relationship and interaction of people (families, teams, groups, etc.).

Having devoted many years to studying this problem, American scientists came to the conclusion that people from dysfunctional families, people with childhood traumas received not only in the family, but also at school, on the street, from peers, teachers or other significant people suffer from codependency. adults. This also includes victims of sexual, physical, emotional, sectarian violence, etc. Recently, many researchers have noted the formation of codependency in apparently prosperous families. Despite the "successful" organization of family relations high demands on children, which leads to the formation of psychological and neurotic complexes: self-abasement, martyrdom, sadistic inclinations, narcissism.

Codependency in the beginning is the result of adaptation, a means of protection or a way of surviving in adverse family circumstances, groups that eventually become a way of life.

This is a specific state. intense preoccupation and preoccupation, as well as extreme addiction(emotional, social, and sometimes physical) from a person or thing that becomes pathological and affects the codependent in all other relationships.

The predisposition to codependent behavior is formed in childhood: the child experiences a completely natural dependence on the attitude of his parents (or those who replace them) and suffers from a lack of love. A cold and aloof, too controlling and dominant, too critical and derogatory, inconsistent parental attitude breaks the child's fragile self. Not yet finished forming, in such conditions self-perception system is damaged. Every person who develops in this way, " has a loss and therefore always desires and seeks love. A person with a devastated "I" seeks to fill it with the help of those people with whom he enters into a relationship.

The internal conflict between the need to receive love and the certainty that he is unworthy of it makes his desire to receive love from another an obsessive goal of existence. It breeds anxiety, instability, ambivalence of feelings.

Codependents come from dysfunctional families, upbringing is subject to certain rules: adults are the “masters” of the child and determine what is right and what is not, keep an emotional distance; manifestations of will are regarded by them as stubbornness, and are stopped, breaking the will of the child.

Codependent persons:

married or in a close relationship with a chemically addicted person;
having one or both parents with a chemical dependency;
raised in emotionally repressive families.

It is appropriate to recall assortative marriages of alcoholics. Assortativeness is a non-random and unconscious choice of a spouse. Probably, the model of the parental family is the basis, and the choice of a spouse occurs on the principle of observing the identity of relations in one's own and parental families. It is confirmed that:

80% of girls from families of alcoholics marry alcoholics, drug addicts or disabled people;
remarriage often also turns out to be "alcoholic";
spouses of alcoholics and their families of origin are burdened by cases of addiction no less often than alcoholics themselves and their families.

The main characteristics of codependents:

low self-esteem;
compulsive desire to control the lives of others;
the senses;
desire to take care of others, save others;
denial, delusion, self-deception;
illnesses caused by stress.

Low self-esteem of codependents- this is the characteristic on which all the others are based, thus, codependents are completely subordinate to external assessments and relationships with other people:

constantly criticize themselves, but cannot stand being criticized by others;
do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly, this increases their guilt;
do not consider themselves good enough people, and therefore feel guilty when they spend money on themselves or allow themselves entertainment;
limit themselves in activities, for fear of making a mistake and getting disapproval from others;
they are ashamed both of their husband's drunkenness and of themselves.

Low self-esteem also drives codependents to help others. Not believing that they can be loved and needed, they try to earn love and the attention of others, acting as "irreplaceable".

Compulsive desire to control the lives of others. Codependents are controlling relatives: they are overly preoccupied with someone or something, neglecting themselves up to the complete loss of their own “I”, have an urgent need to perform certain actions in relation to other people (patronize, suppress, resent, etc. ). They believe that:

able to control everything, and even the behavior of loved ones;
can control the perception of others through the impression of well-being;
they know better than anyone in the family how events should develop and how other members should behave;
do not accept the natural course of events.

The essence of controlling behavior is that “you need to keep everything under control so that others do not notice my shortcomings, otherwise I will not receive the necessary recognition and love.”

The outcome of controlling behavior is frustration, anger. Fearing to lose control over the situation, codependents themselves fall under the control of ongoing events. Sometimes, in order to “stand guard”, the wife leaves her job, loses friends, stops caring for children, but never achieves the desired sobriety of her husband or son. The inability to achieve the goal in matters of control is perceived as a defeat and loss of the meaning of life, manifested by depression. Trying to control loved ones, codependents cease to control themselves. The advice to distract from problems and take care of yourself is perceived as an insult.. Paradoxically, even if the husband is sober and the son does not use drugs, she is depressed, depressed, complains of headaches and heartaches. This is nothing more than a withdrawal syndrome (like withdrawal from a drug addict), which can also be observed after a divorce from a husband. How does she act in such a case? He takes a new "dose" of the same "poison", that is, he forgives everything, returns to his former husband or marries another, who for some reason also turns out to be ill with alcoholism or becomes ill with it later.

Desire to care for others, save others. 60% of codependents choose professions where mercy is needed, but with low wages (junior medical staff, kindergarten teachers). Codependents like to take care of others, often choosing professions doctor, nurse, educator, psychologist, teacher, which, however, does not mean at all that all representatives of these professions are co-dependent. In the case of codependency, concern for others overflows reasonable limits. They meet the needs of their loved ones when they do not ask for it; do for loved ones what they themselves can do for themselves; provide assistance even when there is no obvious need for it and they do not want it at all; in joint activities they take on more than they should. This is based on low self-esteem and the desire to be needed, irreplaceable, and by such behavior to earn love and respect. Saving the patient (they call medical teams to stop the state of withdrawal or “settle things” with absenteeism at work, etc.), co-dependents achieve only that the alcoholic continues to drink alcohol with impunity and irresponsibility. In these cases, it is not important for codependents that there is an aggravation of alcoholism, but it is important that their participation will be valued. This behavior is destructive for both the addict and the codependent.

Such “care” for the patient implies incompetence, helplessness and failure of relatives of the codependent, who at the same time feels his indispensability.

The senses. Codependents are characterized fear and anxiety, shame, guilt, self-pity, anger, irritation, depression. Fear and anxiety are the foundation of any addiction. Fear of facing reality, being abandoned, fear of death, loss of control over life. Guilt and shame: they are ashamed of both their own behavior and the behavior of their loved ones who suffer from chemical addiction, since co-addicts do not have clear personality boundaries. Shame can lead to social isolation. To hide the “shame of the family”, co-dependents stop visiting and inviting people to their place, become unsociable, avoid communication with neighbors, work colleagues, and relatives. Deep down, they hate and despise themselves for cowardice, indecision, helplessness, etc., which outwardly, however, is manifested by arrogance and the creation of an appearance of superiority over others, resulting from the transformation of shame and other repressed feelings.

Anger. Codependents feel hurt, hurt, angry and tend to associate with people who feel the same way. Expressions of anger are often used to distance themselves from those with whom it is difficult to build a relationship. Suppression of anger does not lead to relief, but only aggravates the condition. Therefore, codependents can cry a lot, get sick for a long time, take revenge, show hostility and violence. They believe that they are "turned on", forced to be angry, which makes them punish other people. Anger and anxiety are the breeding ground for psychosomatosis.

Features of the sphere of feelings:

"freezing" and distortion of feelings;
constant control of their feelings;
containment of negative, and then positive feelings, a complete rejection of feelings.

"Freezing" of feelings. By preventing the manifestation of negative feelings, they gradually cease to experience positive feelings. First, there is a kind emotional pain relief, because feelings cause unbearable pain. And then emotional dullness, when a person gradually loses both the ability to rejoice and smile, and to experience mental pain and suffering. Such people believe that they have no right to rejoice when there is such trouble in the family, such grief. The “frozenness” of feelings predetermines problems in communication, intimate relationships, etc.

Controlling your feelings. Codependents have to control their feelings, fearing that they would not break out. They think that they have no right to show anger towards their loved ones and are obliged to be caring, kind and loving mothers and wives, since their loved one is sick. Behind attempts to control and suppress one's negative emotions often hides the fear of losing a loved one and being left alone. Low self-esteem reinforces the futility of the future.

A long-term stressful situation in the family increases the tolerance of emotional pain and tolerance to negative emotions. Therefore, it turns on emotional pain mechanism(refusal to feel) because feel too much pain. Complete renunciation of feelings leads to alexithymia(inability to express feelings) and depression. This stage is defined by the following phrases: I'm tired of fighting him. I don't care what he does anymore. I'm already used to it." etc.

Distortion of feelings. A co-dependent wife wants to see herself as kind, loving, but actually feels a sense of indignation at her husband's drinking. As a result, her anger subconsciously transforms into self-confidence.

Negative feelings, due to their intensity, spread to other people, including the psychotherapist. Easily arises hatred towards oneself, and through the mechanism of projection - towards others. Hiding shame, self-hatred can look like arrogance And superiority(another transformation of feelings).

Denial, delusion, self-deception. Codependents use all forms of psychological defense: rationalization, minimization, repression, etc., but most often denial. The denial mechanism helps:

ignore problems or pretend that nothing serious is happening;
maintain pseudo-confidence that tomorrow everything will be better;
to deceive oneself, to believe in a lie, if what is said coincides with what is desired (the wife has been believing in her husband's duty promises to stop drinking for decades);
to live in a world of illusions, because the truth is very painful;
to deny the presence of signs of codependence and not to desire its correction.

Diseases caused by stress. Codependents take responsibility for others, while being completely indifferent to their own well-being. Observations show that codependent relatives, as a rule, show symptoms characteristic of alcoholics and drug addicts: frequent headaches, depression, diseases of the cardiovascular system. The only exception is codependency. does not lead to cirrhosis of the liver.

Codependents are tormented bodily ailments:

psychosomatic disorders: peptic ulcer of the stomach and duodenum, colitis, arterial hypertension, headaches, autonomic dysfunctions, asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia, etc.;
neurotic disorders;
dependence on alcohol or tranquilizers;
workaholism.

The emergence of psychosomatic diseases indicates codependency progression. Without proper attention to the problem, codependency can lead to death due to psychosomatic diseases, indifference to one's own problems.

In this way, manifestations of codependency affect all aspects of human life, mental activity of a person, his behavior, worldview, upbringing, belief systems and life values, as well as physical health.

Since in recent years the problem of substance dependence has become a national disaster, narcologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychologists are constantly faced with the problems of chemically dependent people and their relatives. But The effectiveness of chemical addiction treatment continues to be low. This is due to the fact that after a course of treatment, patients return to their former environment - to their families. Chemical addiction is a family disease. The presence of codependency in a relative of a patient with alcoholism and drug addiction is always a risk factor for a new relapse of the disease.

What is happening in reality? Let's try to analyze the state of affairs on the problems of codependence in the Belarusian population on the example of an alcoholic family model.

Relatives of patients often request: “ Help make him (her) good (as he will suit me) and all other problems will disappear by themselves". Those. they ask a specialist to change the behavior of an uncomfortable family member, categorically rejecting work on themselves and existing relationships. From their lips are the following phrases: Teach me how to influence him (her) and I will do everything as you say», « I will bring him (her) to you and you will influence him (her) in such and such a way". Similar Requirements contrary to all medical and psychological ethics. The situation is such that the questioner - an unfortunate, suffering person - himself needs help. Attempts to directly explain to him the existing problems in the relationship, at best, will turn into accusations of heartlessness, callousness, unprofessionalism. In the worst case scenario, the codependent will start projecting anger, aggression, write complaints or plunge into depression, continuing the search for " more competent specialist» to fix a troubled relative. “Competent” will be the one who can give the desired recommendations for manipulating loved ones. Thus, patients with problems of addictive behavior are dealt with by some specialists (psychiatrists, narcologists), and the problems of their environment are dealt with by others (psychologists). The somatic disorders that arise in both are a job for specialists in general somatic practice.

Purpose of the study: to study the features of interpersonal relationships in families where husbands suffer from alcohol addiction.

Materials and methods

The study was conducted in the medical institution "City Narcological Dispensary" (GND) in Minsk:

the main group - 30 families in which husbands with alcohol dependence were on inpatient treatment in the Minsk City Narcological Dispensary (MGND). Mean age 40 ± 3 years;
comparison group - 30 families with no relatives with alcohol addiction. Mean age 41 ± 3 years.

For the diagnosis of alcohol dependence, a clinical interview and ICD-10 diagnostic criteria (heading F 10.2) were used. From psychological methods:

1. Methodology for diagnosing interpersonal relationships(T. Leary) - to determine the profile of the type of interpersonal relationships on 4 main scales:

aggressiveness,
subordination,
domination,
friendliness

and 4 additional scales:

selfishness,
suspicion,
altruism,
addiction.

2. Methodology SOS - familial condition(E. G. Eidemiller) - to identify psycho-traumatic conditions of persons living in the same family and to clarify three conditions:

general family dissatisfaction,
mental stress,
family anxiety.

3. Projective mask technique- to identify the features of role-playing behavior and life position in interpersonal relationships in families.

The statistical package SPSS 11.5 for Windows (computer analysis of data in psychology and social sciences) was used to process the results.

Results and discussion

The indicators according to the T. Leary method demonstrate a significant difference (taking into account the Student's t-test) between the types of dominant interpersonal relationships in the families of the main group on the scales of dominance, selfishness, friendliness, altruism: t = -1.3; -2.3; -1.4; -2.5 respectively (p< 0,05). Корреляционный анализ выявил достоверную взаимосвязь (p < 0,05) показателей эгоистичного и альтруистичного типов. Husbands are dominated by the dominant type(17 b.), characterized by the dominance of desires, the inability to accept advice, the demand for respect for oneself and selfish (19 b.) self-orientation, narcissism. Aggressiveness (12 points) is moderately expressed, characterized by exactingness, irritability, a tendency to blame others for everything, dependence (13 points) - conformity, helplessness, friendliness (15 points) - orientation to the reference society. Wives are dominated by friendliness(22 p.) - focus on accepting social approval, the desire to "be good", a tendency to cooperate, altruism (24 p.) - hyper-responsibility, sacrificing one's interests, obsession with one's help, taking responsibility for others, compassion, responsiveness , care. Aggressiveness is moderately expressed (11 p.), (more often autoaggression). In the comparison group statistical analysis found no significant differences between indicators of types of interpersonal relationships in families in subgroups of both spouses. In the comparison group, there was no polarization of the dominant types of attitudes towards others when comparing those of husbands and wives (p > 0.05). Most of both show a friendly attitude, are confident and energetic. In the comparison group, there are more men with increased responsibility. Since the main distinguishing criterion of addictive behavior is the husband's alcoholism, the revealed differences in interpersonal relationships in the families of the main group and the comparison group are due to this factor, i.e. there is a significant relationship (p< 0,05) зависимого поведения и формирования созависимых отношений в семье.

According to the SOS questionnaire in 73.3% of the wives of alcoholics are ascertained:

general family dissatisfaction,
mental stress,
family anxiety.

In persons with alcohol dependence, the indicators do not reach the required value for ascertaining these conditions. Correlation analysis showed moderate correlation of the following indicators:

general family dissatisfaction/family anxiety - r = 0.68, p< 0,05;
family anxiety / mental stress - r = 0.67, p< 0,05;
general family dissatisfaction / mental stress - r = 0.064, p< 0,05.

This indicates changes in the emotional sphere of the wives of alcoholics. In the comparison group, wives and husbands had indicators within the normal range.

According to the projective method of masks, role behavior and role status in the families of the main group were revealed "submission" in 70% of wives and 23.4% of men, and "dominance" - in 76.6% of husbands and 30% of women The differences between the predominance of the dominant role status of the husband and the subordinate wife are significant (t = -2.3; p< 0,05). В группе сравнения примерно равное число респондентов с доминированием (36,7% женщин и 43,7% мужчин) и подчинением (63,3% женщин и 67,3% мужчин), ролевой статус без достоверных различий. Полученные данные указывают на то, что 70% of wives of addicts occupy a subordinate, dependent position. Addicts dominate in 77% of cases. Their interests become a priority, and they themselves become generators of emotions.

conclusions

Thus, the study revealed signs of subordinate role status in the wives of alcoholics, husbands have a predominance of a selfish and dominant type of attitude towards others and a dominant role status. This indicates the presence of co-dependent behavior in the family, which creates the basis for the formation and progression of dependent behavior, as well as a predisposition to addictive behavior. Codependent and addictive behaviors are symptoms of family dysfunction and interpersonal relationships in families, therefore, when choosing therapeutic measures, it is necessary to pay attention not only to addicts, but also to their spouses, whose behavior can lead to relapses.

It is not at all necessary to wait for a chemical addict to decide to seek treatment. Significant improvements in the family will occur if at least one of its co-dependent members realizes the need to get rid of, to recover from co-dependence.

Alcoholism is a pathology that is most common at a young age (15-30 years), in people who are divorced or single, with a lower level of education and antisocial tendencies in adolescence. Alcohol problems are more typical for men than for women (2-3: 1). In women, alcohol abuse occurs later in life with rare spontaneous remissions.

Alcohol abuse plays a significant role in crime and suicide. On average, according to the literature, the life expectancy of patients is shortened by 10 years compared with healthy ones. In today's crisis, the number of people who use psychoactive substances is increasing. Therefore, in the current socio-economic conditions, we should expect an increase in the number of patients with alcoholism, which makes the topic of alcoholism psychotherapy extremely relevant. Alcohol dependence is the result of a complex interaction between the biological vulnerability of the body and the influence of environmental factors. Biochemical disorders play an important role in the pathogenesis of alcoholism. A number of alcohol metabolites affect certain systems and structures of the brain. There are changes in the neurochemical adaptation of the brain at the cellular level, catecholamine neurotransmission in the limbic structures, in particular in the "reinforcement system". This leads to the body's dependence on alcohol to maintain an established pathological homeostasis. The key psychopathological disorder in domestic narcology is the dependence syndrome with characteristic signs of a pathological craving for alcohol.

There are two defining stages in the treatment of addiction syndrome.. The first is characterized by intensive therapy of acute conditions - the treatment of withdrawal syndrome and the suppression of the primary pathological craving for alcohol. The second stage is anti-relapse therapy and suppression of psychopathological affective, behavioral, cognitive and somatic disorders associated with the manifestation of a secondary pathological craving for alcohol. At the second stage of the treatment of alcoholism, in addition to biological therapy, psychotherapy is of great importance.

Psychotherapeutic methods, used in the treatment of patients with dependence on psychoactive substances, are divided into three main groups, which differ in the nature of the impact: manipulative strategies, personality development, synthetic.

Manipulative methods addressed mainly to pathological processes. The patient is considered as an object of influence, the goal is to change his behavior. Therapy is often short, the result is achieved relatively quickly, but it is unstable. The relationship between the patient and the psychotherapist is characterized by patterning on the part of the doctor with the assumption of responsibility for the result of treatment. These methods include suggestive and behavioral therapy.

With psychotherapy methods, developing personality, the patient acts as a subject of influence, the goal is the transformation of personality. The therapy is quite long and laborious. Results are achieved relatively slowly, but are more stable than when using manipulative methods. The relationship between therapist and patient is characterized by partnership. This group of methods includes psychoanalysis, Gestalt therapy, client-centered therapy according to K. Rogers and other methods of humanistic orientation.

Since the mid 70s. last century in the psychotherapy of patients with dependence on psychoactive substances and alcoholism, in particular, family psychotherapy plays a leading role. The need to involve the family in the process of treatment and rehabilitation of patients with alcoholism does not require special evidence. According to the concept of the psychogenesis of alcoholism by S. Reichelt-Nauseef and C. Hedder, the latter is understood not only as a pathology of the individual, but also as a result of interaction between all family members or as part of the functioning of the family structure aimed at maintaining family homeostasis.

As the experience of working with families of alcoholics shows, such motives underlying the pathological craving for alcohol, such as using it as a means of increasing self-esteem, compensating for any missing forms or ways of satisfying needs, "communication - communication", interpersonal protection - manipulation, are formed mainly as a result of improper family education - according to the type of explicit and hidden emotional rejection and hypoprotection. Studies have shown that the wives of alcoholics have increased neurotic symptoms during the remission of their husband's alcoholism. Characteristically, on an emotional level, a wife can perceive a drunken husband as a strong, extraordinary, bright person, and a sober husband as boring and weak, who does not love her and does not pay any attention to her. At the verbal level, in the first case, words of condemnation are uttered, in the second - “objective” and detached approval. Common to the wives of alcoholics is a tendency to emotional instability, reversible with the harmonization of family relationships.

Among the applied methods of family psychotherapy some of the most common ones can be distinguished: individual psychotherapy with each family member; psychotherapy with individual couples; group psychotherapy of married couples, in some cases including separately conducted group psychotherapy of husbands and wives; participation of families in sobriety clubs and psychotherapeutic communities; psychotherapy of children with alcoholism.

Due to the complexity of relationships in families of alcoholics and the variety of tasks of family psychotherapy, the most justified is a differentiated-complex (synthetic) approach based on taking into account the need for therapy of each family member. A permanent component of the complex of methods of family psychotherapy for alcoholism is individual psychotherapy with each family member.

Within the framework of the psychological theories of alcoholism there are ideas about this dependence as a form of self-destructive behavior. In other words, the psychological mechanisms of the formation and course of alcohol dependence are mediated by the personality, the whole system of its relations. In the initial stages, alcohol often acts as a means of relieving chronic psycho-emotional stress that occurs in connection with a violation of personal-environmental interaction and those intrapersonal conditions that prevent adaptation.

As part of alcohol addiction the value system and the motivational-required sphere of a person are pathologically changing. There is a "shift of the motive to the goal." The intrapsychic conflict arising from the systematic use of alcohol is largely resolved due to the action of psychological defense mechanisms, which makes a significant part of the information relating to him unconscious for a person. Because of this, many standard questionnaires in patients with alcoholism give distorted results. At the same time, the definition of "psychotherapeutic targets" is considered a necessary condition for successful psychotherapy.

Individual psychotherapy of patients with alcoholism should be preceded by the stage of psychodiagnostics. The cognitive theory of personality - the theory of personality constructs, developed by the American psychologist J. Kelly, aims to explain how a person interprets and predicts his life experience, anticipates and constructs future events, manages experienced events.

The conducted studies have revealed that the system of personality constructs of patients with alcoholism is determined by low indicators of the intensity of internal connections, which indicates the difficulty of unambiguous forecasts for this group of patients with a high degree of uncertainty in situations of social interaction; high rates of inconsistency and amorphousness, which confirms the low motivation for treatment, which is typical for addictive patients in general, the presence of a "struggle of motives", a low degree of awareness of behavior. The undifferentiated position of the "I", revealed in patients with alcohol dependence, as well as the increased significance of the category of social positivity in the system of their personal constructs, characterize the effect of psychological defense mechanisms that underlie anosognosia.

During short-term therapy in patients with alcoholism the role of constructs related to the features of an active individual lifestyle increases, the perception of one's own social roles becomes clearer and more differentiated, and the overall significance of social positivity decreases. Particularly important in the personal psychosemantic space of persons with alcohol dependence are the factors of social recognition and interpersonal interaction, and in the process of psychotherapy, awareness of the role of individual efforts and motivation increases, which indicates an increase in responsibility for one's own life and health, as well as a change in the criteria of social perception.

Individual psychotherapy should be considered as a necessary and permanent component of family psychotherapy for alcoholism. Individual psychotherapy allows you to more accurately assess the true depth of the experiences of the existing conflict and the features of understanding by family members of existing relationships. During its implementation, feedback from patients is also carried out in group forms of psychotherapy.

Individual psychotherapy allows you to achieve a certain result, but as noted by a prominent American psychiatrist, one of the founders of family therapy, Carl Whitaker: “Individual therapy is a fragile thing, its achievements are easy to destroy after completion, it is strongly influenced by the processes of life. Changing the family system is a change in infrastructure, so it's much more sustainable; the process of change continues in the infrastructure, going beyond the level of awareness of the family or the therapist. Recovery from alcoholism rarely means that the addict simply stops drinking. Addiction is a family disease that can be seen as a manifestation of family dysfunction. Family relations, the most significant for a person, play a leading role in the formation of pathogenic situations and mental disorders. It follows from this that the system of assistance should include not only the treatment of alcohol dependence in the patient himself, but also existing disorders in other family members, denoted by the term “codependence”.

From a co-dependent family member (usually women - wife, mother, daughter) find the following manifestations of a family crisis: a feeling of discomfort, increased anxiety; neurotic and emotional disorders; the ineffectiveness of old ways of interacting with a drinking family member; a sharp decrease in the level of satisfaction with intra-family relationships; a feeling of hopelessness and the futility of efforts made to change the situation; inability to discover new constructive ways out of co-dependent relationships; hope for a miraculous healing of an alcohol-dependent family member, which has nothing to do with their own changes; closeness (or social isolation) of the family, associated with the need to hide the problem of alcoholism; the growth of family conflicts, negative emotions and harsh criticism; destruction of family traditions.

Man with alcoholism has a strong emotional impact on immediate family members. His behavior, the peculiarities of his personality in many respects contradict the expectations of family members, their ideas about what a person should be like - a husband, son, brother. Therefore, the emotional reactions of loved ones to the behavior and many personality traits of a patient with alcoholism are, as a rule, indignation, resentment, irritation, anger, disappointment, despair, depression, apathy. The more the emotions of the drinking person's family members are distorted, the less adequate help they can provide. Relations in almost all such families are usually not helpful, but destructive. Codependency looks like a mirror image of addiction. Co-dependent family members use such rules and forms of relationships that keep the family in a dysfunctional state. At its core, codependency is a destructive reaction to a traumatic situation.

The main personality traits of a codependent include the following indicators

1. Low self-esteem. This is the main characteristic of codependents, on which all others are based. This implies such a feature of co-dependents as an outward orientation. Codependents are completely dependent on external evaluations and relationships with other people, although they have little idea how they should treat them. Due to low self-esteem, codependents can constantly criticize themselves, but they cannot stand being criticized by others, in which case they become self-confident, indignant, angry. Codependents do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly, this can even increase their guilt. At the same time, their mood deteriorates due to the lack of such a powerful boost to their self-esteem as praise. Deep down, codependents do not consider themselves good enough people, they are characterized by guilt when they spend money on themselves or allow themselves entertainment. They tell themselves that they can't do anything right for fear of making a mistake. Numerous “I should”, “you should”, “how should I behave with my husband?” dominate in their minds and lexicon. Codependents are ashamed of their husband's drunkenness, but they are also ashamed of themselves. Low self-esteem drives codependents when they seek to help others. Not believing that they can be loved and needed, they try to arouse the love and attention of loved ones and become indispensable in the family.

2. Compulsive desire to control the lives of others. Co-dependent wives, mothers, sisters of addicts are controlling loved ones. They believe they can control everything. The more difficult the situation at home, the more efforts they make to control it. Thinking that they can control the drinking of a loved one, control the perception of others through the impression they make, they believe that others see their family as they portray it. Codependents firmly believe that they know better than anyone in the family how events should develop and how other members should behave. Codependents try not to let others be themselves, and also to let things happen naturally. To control others, codependents use various means - threats, persuasion, coercion, advice. They are characterized by emphasizing the helplessness of others (“without me, my husband will be lost”). Attempts to take control of almost uncontrollable life events often lead to depressive disorders. The inability to achieve the goal in matters of control is considered by codependents as their own defeat and loss of the meaning of life. Constantly recurring defeats exacerbate depression. Other outcomes of controlled behavior of codependents are frustration, anger. Fearing to lose control over the situation, co-dependents themselves fall under the control of events or their loved ones - patients with chemical dependence. For example, the wife of an alcoholic quits her job to control her husband's behavior. The husband's alcoholism continues, and in fact it is the husband's alcoholism that controls her life, manages her time, well-being, and so on.

3. The desire to take care of others, save them. Codependents love to take care of others and often choose the professions of a nurse, educator, psychologist, teacher. Caring for others goes beyond reasonable and normal limits. Appropriate behavior stems from the conviction of codependents that they are responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions of others, for their choices, desires and needs, for their well-being or lack thereof in the family, and even for fate itself. Codependents take responsibility for others, while being completely irresponsible for their own well-being (eating and sleeping poorly, not visiting a doctor, not satisfying their own needs). Saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he continues to drink alcohol. And then codependents get angry at him. An attempt to save an addict never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior for both the addict and the co-dependent. The desire to save the patient is so great that codependents act as they do not really want to. They say “yes” when they would like to say “no”, they do for loved ones what they can help themselves with. They meet the needs of their loved ones when they do not ask for it and do not even agree that co-dependents do it for them. Co-dependents give more than they receive in situations related to the drug addiction of a loved one. They speak and think for him, believe that they can control his feelings and do not ask what their loved one wants. They solve the problems of the other, and in joint activities (for example, in housekeeping) they do more than should be due to a fair division of duties. Such “concern” for the patient leads him to incompetence, helplessness and inability to do what the codependent loved one eventually does for him. All this gives reason to co-addicts to feel constantly needed and irreplaceable. However, codependency is a risk factor for relapse in a patient.

Starting family therapy with the family of an alcoholic, we should first consider the model of the family system. Having identified significant variables that make it possible to comprehend what is happening in the family, it is necessary to outline an intervention strategy.

The family structure can be represented as a topography is a quasi-spatial cut of the family system. The most important concepts that serve to describe the family structure are connection and hierarchy.

As two main communication dysfunctions most researchers distinguish symbiosis and disunity. Both symbiotic bonds and disunity characterize dysfunctional families whose members suffer from various forms of mental pathology. Hierarchy defines the relationship of dominance - subordination in the family.

Microdynamics reflects the features of the functioning of the family system. For the analysis of micro-dynamics, the following concepts are introduced.

1. Family roles. A serious danger is the delegation of the role of an adult to a child, which is quite typical for families with a problem of alcoholism.

2. Interaction patterns, or communicative stereotypes arising from roles. The style of emotional communication is characterized by the ratio of positive and negative emotions, criticism and praise to each other.

3. Metacommunication, which is of great importance in the family and represents the processes of joint discussion and understanding of what is happening between loved ones.

To analyze microdynamics, a family psychotherapist needs to master the following conceptual apparatus:

family history or evolution: one of the typical scenarios of the Slavic family - drinking husbands and "saving" their wives;

family development cycles associated with new stages of life: Slavic families experience great difficulties in separating children due to the traditional weakness of the marital subsystem and the predominance of families centered on children;

traumatic family history events: the negative impact of traumatic experience on the mental health of family members should be especially emphasized.

The need for family norms and rules is connected with the fact that their absence is chaos, which poses a serious danger to mental health. The vagueness of rules and norms, their unspokenness contribute to the growth of anxiety and confuse others. Myths include family concepts, legends and beliefs relating to family history. For example, in many female-dominated families, there is a myth about the natural depravity of men. Family values are something that is open, approved and cultivated in the family circle. Traditions and rituals are repetitive legal actions that have a symbolic meaning and an important factor in reducing anxiety among family members. Families with a deficit of traditions and rituals tend to be divided.

The main psychological manifestations any addiction is a triad: obsessive-compulsive thinking when it comes to the subject of addiction (alcohol); loss of control and denial as a form of psychological defense. This statement applies to both the addict and the family as a whole.

absolute negation: "We have no problems";

minimization: "We have a little problem";

withdrawal using denial: "We won't talk about it";

"reasonable" care: "It is necessary to drink culturally";

leaving with a scandal: "What are you insulting?" (speaking of drunkenness);

looking for a scapegoat: “I drink because of my mother-in-law, boss, etc.”;

rationalization: “Drinkers do not have atherosclerosis”;

intellectualization: "Who drinks? This is our culture”;

comparison: “Here NN drinks, but how healthy ...”;

self-diagnosis: "Nothing will help me";

conditional sobriety: "I don't need treatment because I'll stop drinking whenever I want";

compliance: "We agree, doctor ...";

manipulation: "Do you guarantee, doctor, that he will not drink?";

democratic support for alcoholism: "Everyone does what he thinks is right."

The main goal of family therapy for alcoholism is a change in family macro- and microdynamics. For a successful psychotherapeutic intervention, it is necessary to use the following stages of intervention: clinical and psychological diagnosis of alcoholism in a patient and co-dependent disorders in family members; individual psychotherapy aimed at overcoming the primary pathological craving for alcohol and “loosening” pathological socio-psychological stereotypes; family system diagnostics; family psychotherapy with overcoming protective behavior and the formation of a constructive functioning of the family.

The effectiveness of a set of family psychotherapy techniques should be evaluated using the following criteria:MOTHERS AGAINST DRUGS

A chemically dependent patient rarely lives in total isolation. He usually has a family. When chemical dependence develops, relatives willy-nilly become involved in what is happening, do not leave the patient without help, begin to fight

We often hear the word "addiction": drug addiction, alcohol, tobacco, gaming, television, and so on. What is codependency? Not many people in the Orthodox community know about that yet. This circumstance would not be so important as to be pointed out if… If practically in every modern Russian family someone did not suffer from such dangerous diseases as drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling and other pathological addictions (or did not have a real danger get infected).

The prefix "co" in the word "codependency" means "dependency with someone." When a person close to you is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling and similar mind-altering drugs, you begin to become dependent on him, become a co-dependent person. Studies show that codependent people develop specific disease states at all levels of the personality - physical, mental and spiritual.

Codependency in alcoholism can be represented as follows:

Alcohol - A person dependent on it - A close other person co-dependent on the drinker

Scandals, conflicts, emotional alienation, mutual accusations, refusal to fulfill their roles in the family, the inability to make long-term plans - these and similar events have a catastrophic effect on the viability of a family with co-dependent relationships. A family in a state of crisis is characterized by the fact that the contradictions in it are aggravated, the instability of the family system is growing.

A co-dependent family member (usually a woman - wife, mother, daughter) has the following manifestations of a family crisis:

Feeling of discomfort, increased anxiety;

Neurotic and emotional disturbances;

Inefficiency of old ways of interacting with a drinking family member;

A sharp decrease in the level of satisfaction with intra-family relationships;

Feeling of hopelessness and futility of efforts made to change the situation;

Failure to discover new, constructive ways out of co-dependent relationships;

Hope for a miraculous healing of an alcohol-addicted family member, which has nothing to do with their own changes;

Closeness (or social isolation) of the family, associated with the need to hide the problem of alcoholism;

The growth of family conflicts, negative emotions and harsh criticism;

The destruction of family traditions.

An alcohol dependent person has a strong emotional impact on immediate family members. His behavior, the peculiarities of his personality in many respects contradict the expectations of other family members, their ideas about what this person should be like - husband, son, brother. Therefore, the emotional reaction of relatives to the behavior and many personality traits of a patient with alcoholism is, as a rule, indignation, resentment, irritation, anger, disappointment, despair, depression, apathy. The more the emotions of the drinking person's family members are distorted, the less adequate help they can provide. Relations in almost all such families are usually not helpful, but destructive.

In other words, codependency for family members of a drinking person always turns out to be a difficult test.

Co-dependent family members are usually embarrassed by the very fact that they have an alcoholic among them. Already the earliest studies of families with such a patient showed their increased sensitivity to the reaction of the social environment to their problem. A kind of vicious circle is revealed: the fact that there is an alcohol-dependent person in the family is felt as a “shame”, and this makes such a family very sensitive and even suspicious towards others, which in turn supports the feeling of “rejection” and “shame”.

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Drunkenness is the root of all evil: pre-revolutionary Russian anti-alcohol posters

A particularly acute problem is that the younger generation, school-age children, is more sensitive to a decrease in the social status of the family, since they are more vulnerable: a significant part of them become the object of ridicule, group obstruction; they have difficulty communicating with their peers.

In an ordinary family, its members often know each other quite well (habits, tastes, likes, dislikes, desires of each). This knowledge helps them to correctly understand the actions, intentions of each other, to correctly respond to them.

But to understand an alcohol-dependent person, the usual level of knowledge is not enough.

When trying to understand a patient with alcoholism, ordinary, everyday experience, formed in communication with healthy people, does not help much. The reactions, experiences, and behavior of an individual with disabilities are very different from those that arise in similar circumstances in a healthy person.

The best help you can initially give to a troubled family member is to find an effective support program for YOURSELF so that you do not find yourself in all those standard situations in the development of alcoholism, when relatives contribute not to recovery, but to the progress of the disease. In the beginning, it is necessary to understand that if the family of a drinking person seeks to learn the facts about the nature of alcoholism and codependency, about effective ways to overcome them, and also to apply this knowledge in practice, the chances of recovery increase significantly. In fact, the best way to help a troubled family member is to overcome ignorance, to adopt a constructive point of view based on knowledge, to apply the learned principles in practice. To begin in the usual manner with attempts to force an alcohol-dependent person to "stop drinking" without first examining and changing one's own "I" is simply to do even more harm - to oneself, and to him, and to other family members.

Without developing a clear and effective plan of action to overcome our codependency, we ourselves invite misfortune and ruin to our home.

The truth is that it is much more difficult for a drinker to get rid of alcohol addiction if there are no corresponding positive changes in his family members.

One of the most common misconceptions of codependents is the belief that "quick psychotherapy", that is, admonitions, threats or persuasion contribute to solving the problem: if the drinker understands that your arguments are the most convincing and most correct, then he will give in and be transformed by before your eyes. You are in full confidence that he is thinking: "But she speaks correctly. That's the point! We must stop drinking!" But in fact, he perceives your words in exactly the same way as Krylov's cat Vaska.

Do you think that a person needs to be constantly reminded how to do the right thing? But by doing this, you immediately put yourself in a controlling, authoritative position. Your troubled family member automatically falls into the "child" position. And this "child" begins to shut himself off from you, withdraw into himself or rebel against the "authoritarian educator" that you become for him. As a result, he behaves even worse. It gets worse for you, which is quite natural.

The condition of the codependent will not improve over time. Today will be replaced by tomorrow, but the codependent will not get better, but worse.

Co-addicts tend to over-care, heal, save, control the drinking household, but their efforts almost never lead to success. On the contrary, despite the attempts made to correct an alcohol-dependent person, he not only does not correct himself, but his condition becomes more and more aggravated from year to year. At the same time, we repeat, the well-being of his family members is also deteriorating.

I have been constantly observing this pattern in co-dependent families for more than 10 years, since I began to conduct training seminars called "How to help a drinking family member." All my co-dependent wards at first expressed a firm conviction: "If you do not save an alcohol addict, his life will completely fall apart." This belief they began to question only slightly after my repeatedly asked simple question reached their minds: “And when you“ save ”, does not his and your life fall apart even faster?”

When you "rescue" an alcoholic family member from the consequences of his alcoholism, doesn't his life and YOUR life fall apart EVEN FASTER?

Codependent people, of course, try to "live right." They make every effort to outwardly manifest themselves as a good wife (or mother, daughter). They work conscientiously, bear an unbearable burden of household and other family concerns. They go to the temple, pray that, according to them, "the Lord will correct" the unlucky household, but life is not happy. And year after year, the life of co-dependents does not please more and more. They suffer deeply, feel in a hopeless situation, lonely and misunderstood, they suffer from inner turmoil, depression. And the hardest part is they don't know what to do with it. Are you familiar with similar conditions?

From year to year, the life of co-dependents becomes harder and bleaker.

I often hear from co-dependent wives and mothers about their heavy drinking husbands and sons: "He made my life unbearable." I have heard many horror stories of how an alcoholic family member, an adult male, continues to behave like a child and completely relieves himself of the burden of his family responsibilities. I know many ways in which relatives of addicts could help them and themselves. But the trouble is that codependents are hard to realize a simple truth - in order for the situation to change for the better, the necessary changes should be made by them themselves.

The problems of dependent and co-dependent behavior are not solved by themselves, but, on the contrary, with wrong actions or inaction, they are aggravated. If you are not part of the solution to the problem, then you are part of the problem itself.

When I ask: "Why don't you stop paying for the actions of the drinker and stop indulging him, aggravating his pathological dependence?" Codependent people often have just such two extremes - either "drag on yourself" or "quit".

When co-dependent wives and mothers say, "I've tried everything - nothing helps," I understand that they have tried exactly the methods that are doomed to failure with a drinking family member.

So what are people living with an alcohol addict doing wrong? And how to learn to live in such a way as not to aggravate the disease called "alcoholism", not to kill love in the family, not to produce quarrels, hatred and resentment? How can you help someone who is addicted to alcohol? What needs to be done so that he stops rampant drinking? How can he become free from a glass and find ordinary human happiness? How to get back the job they lost? Questions, questions, questions... There are always many unclear and seemingly hopeless situations if your family member abuses alcohol. In the Holy Trinity Alexander Nevsky Lavra, cycles of seminars called "How to help a drinking family member" are constantly held. Here, those who wish can obtain the necessary knowledge on issues of interest to them. Phone number for registration for seminars: 274-33-04 (working days from 12:00 to 17:00).

What is a codependent relationship in an alcoholic family?

Codependency is a pathological condition characterized by social, emotional and psychological dependence on another person. In other words, when someone close to you is addicted to alcohol, drugs, slot machines, and everything else that changes consciousness, you yourself become addicted to him. Those who have co-dependent relationships in the family develop various painful conditions.

The main goal of co-dependents is to cure patients from alcohol addiction, to control them, to save them from drunken gatherings. And the more your desire and perseverance to help the patient, the worse your state of health, the relationship with such a person. Psychology distinguishes three roles of co-dependent family members: "rescuer", "victim", "persecutor".

Codependency in alcoholism

You can imagine it like this: constant quarrels, showdowns, mutual insults, not fulfilling your duties in the family. All this greatly affects the life of a family where there is a co-dependent relationship.

A codependent person has certain signs:

There is a feeling of spiritual disorder, inner anxiety.
Nervous strain, emotional disorders.
Methods of influence in alcoholism become ineffective.
Intra-family relationships do not bring moral satisfaction.
Since the family is trying to hide their problem, he becomes uncommunicative, withdrawn.
Codependents hope for a cure, but this is not associated with personal changes.
Conflicts in the family, negative emotions, a tough assessment of what is happening are increasing.
Family values are being lost.

Codependency at a later stage manifests itself in the following:

Codependents may feel lethargy, indifference, passivity.
A person is in a state of depression for a long time, depressed.
Closes, refuses to communicate.
The performance of daily tasks and responsibilities becomes increasingly difficult.
Communication and relationships with children become rougher, less and less attention is paid to them.
There is a feeling of hopelessness.
A codependent person tries in every possible way to avoid relationships in which he is uncomfortable and difficult.
Being in tension, a person may experience a constant desire to eat, or vice versa, the appetite may be completely absent.
There is dependence on alcohol or other psychotropic drugs.

A person who is addicted to alcohol has a strong influence on other family members. His way of life, actions, character traits do not coincide with the ideas of his relatives, what he should be. The reaction of relatives in this case is resentment, irritation, indignation, disappointment, a state of absolute indifference and indifference. The stronger these emotions, the less reliable help they can provide, and codependency is a test for them.

Such relationships are characterized by:

Lack of psychological independence;
Complete dependence (material, emotional, social, etc.) on the alcoholic and his actions;
Low self-esteem, delusion, denial;
Actions that are done unconsciously, then regret about them, but still do not stop doing. They explain this behavior by the fact that they are led by an incomprehensible inner force;
Violation of the emotional state;
Chronic diseases develop.

Typical Codependent Behavior

In such a family, they are often embarrassed that someone close to them suffers from alcohol addiction. Studies have shown that such families have an increased sensitivity to social attitudes towards their difficulties. It turns out a vicious circle: in a family where there is a patient with an alcohol addiction, he experiences a humiliating position. This makes her too receptive, suspicious of the opinions of others, consider themselves rejected by society, feel shame.

The younger members of the family are very sensitive to the deterioration of the social situation - these are young children. They are subjected to bullying and group obstruction at school. These children have difficulty communicating with classmates.

In a healthy family, everyone is well acquainted with each other's habits, desires, interests, tastes, which helps to accurately understand and respond to all their actions. In a problem family, trying to save from alcohol addiction, the experience that was when communicating with a healthy person will not help much. The behavior of such a person will be different from the behavior of a healthy person under the same circumstances.

The best thing you can do for a troubled family member is to find a specific support plan for yourself first. This will help to avoid the situation when relatives contribute not to recovery, but to the progress of the disease. You need to understand that when the family of an alcoholic considers the factors of the disease, codependency, looks for ways to solve them, has the goal of applying this knowledge in practice, the patient's chances of completely getting rid of the disease increase.

You just need to overcome the lack of knowledge, have a point of view that is based on knowledge and you can defend it, follow all the new rules in practice. If you start simply telling the patient to “stop drinking” without restructuring and studying yourself, you will cause even more harm - to yourself, and to the addict, and to other loved ones.

If you do not have a clear and precise plan of action on how to overcome trouble, you are calling for trouble and discord in the family.

In the absence of positive changes in family members, it is very difficult for a person to get rid of addiction. The erroneous opinion that constant persuasion, threats, moralizing will help solve the problem and improve your relationship. This is effective if the drinker accepts your arguments, considers them the most correct. He will give in and things will get better. It seems to you that you are understood and listened to. But it's not.

It seems to you that a loved one should always be reminded of what and how to do. This is how you show your superiority. And your loved one becomes like a small child. And he begins to move away from you, close up, or vice versa, oppose such an attitude. He behaves even worse, and you suffer even more from it.

Co-dependent family members take great care, try to treat, control a sick relative. But this does not lead to a positive result. Rather, it only exacerbates the existing problem, your relationship with him, aggravating his condition and the condition of co-dependents.

All co-dependent family members are sure that if you do not save a person who is addicted to alcohol, he will simply disappear. But this rescue ruins his life even more.

Healthy members of a problem family try to live right. They show themselves conscientious, solve all domestic, economic problems and other family matters. Often such people attend church, pray for the salvation of their loser. But their lives are still not getting better. At the same time, they suffer, consider themselves lonely, they are tormented by depression. But the worst thing is that they don't know what to do with it.

A drunk person releases himself from responsibility, making the life of his loved ones unbearable. There are many ways codependents can help themselves and their difficult relative. But they do not understand at all that everything will change for the better if they change themselves.

Such problems in the family are not solved by themselves, and with erroneous actions they only aggravate the situation. Man, not being part of the solution of difficulties, is part of the problem itself.

Codependency has, as a rule, two extremes: to carry this burden on yourself or to stop any relationship with the drinking person.

Considering that we have tried all the methods and nothing helps, we can confidently say that those methods were used that were doomed to failure in advance.

How to get rid of codependency?

There are several steps to get rid of addiction:

A narcologist should work with an addicted person.
Psychological treatment.
Codependent family members undergo treatment in a group for codependents.

Getting rid of codependency is not an easy process, but it is quite doable. The main thing is not to take on the role of a lifeguard. You need to understand that an addicted person is able to help himself if he wants to. And he will be able to do this in the case when you do not create conditions for him to drink, do not think about his illness, take a break. If you can accept that you are codependent, then you can let go of the role of rescuer, victim, dependency. Having overcome the crisis of co-dependent relationships, it is possible to revive normal healthy relationships.

It is necessary to learn some principles of support for an addicted person:

You can't change an alcoholic until he wants to.
It is necessary to seek help from specialists in order to choose individual methods of treatment for an addicted person.
A positive result can only be obtained with the combined efforts of a specialist and relatives. Christian rehabilitation centers help a lot in this matter. The faster you find such helpers, the greater the likelihood of getting rid of addiction and codependency of all family members.

Examples of non-constructive co-dependent relationships:

The person behaves as if there is no problem in the family. An addicted person is not considered an alcoholic, claiming that he can simply drink too much, go to work where he was not caught in a state of intoxication.
Joint drinks. The codependent thinks that the loved one will drink less.
If you accept the drinker's excuses: problems at work, naughty kids. To drink for him means to relieve stress, to cheer up.
It will negatively affect your state of accumulating anger in yourself, crying secretly so that no one sees, hiding fear, shame.
Ignore the existing problem.
You protect and protect the addict (for example, calling work and saying that he is sick, canceling family or any other holiday, etc.).
Take care of everything: material, domestic.
Trying to hide your feelings with work, food, drugs, alcohol.
You let the problem take over.

This behavior is beneficial for the dependent family member. Experience shows that this only prolongs years of drunkenness and drunken agony.

Remember, it takes practice to change your habits and behavior. Do not change everything at once or undertake significant changes in character. If you do not follow this rule, you will not cope with the problem. Therefore, psychologists recommend achieving changes in one or two changes at once. And only then, after a positive result, move on. Such gradual progress will lead to great success!

Psychology of recovery from an illness includes:

Understand that you are codependent and realize the problem.
Understand your role in this situation.
Having accepted your codependency, you need to abandon abnormal relationships and build a model of a healthy family in all areas.
Take care of your spiritual state.
Do not manipulate other family members.
Learn new relationships.

Psychology has several basic laws that govern the life of any person, eliminating their difficulties. Having learned even the smallest, you can avoid many painful mistakes in communication and relationships with loved ones.

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For family members of alcoholics

codependence

It is worth paying special attention to those people who are close to the drinking person every day - this is his wife (husband), children, parents, friends. The constant presence of an alcoholic leaves its mark on relatives, gradually their psychological behavior changes, they become co-dependent.

codependent person- this is most often a close relative of a patient with alcoholism, whose whole life and behavior change and adjust depending on the behavior of an alcoholic. The prefix "co" in the word "codependency" means "dependency with someone." Codependency has the nature of a disease and corresponds to the pathological development of the personality, it cannot but affect the codependent. In its own way, codependency for a loved one means giving up oneself, and is a painful condition for the whole family of the drinker.

Characteristics of the personality of a codependent person

Codependency leads to the fact that a person living next to an alcoholic begins to show all sorts of disorders: physical, emotional, social, behavioral, spiritual.

Low self-esteem

From constant tension and negative emotions, self-esteem drops in the relatives of an alcoholic. They become completely dependent on the opinions of others, on relationships with other people. Codependents have an increased sensitivity to the reaction of strangers to their problem. Low self-esteem causes co-dependent people to want to help others in everything, by doing this they want to win the love and respect of others, because they themselves no longer believe that they can be loved for who they are. Constantly in their speech you can hear the words: “I must”, “you must” - this is another sign of low self-esteem.

The desire to control the lives of others

Codependents think and believe that they can control everything around them, manage the feelings of loved ones, that they can control the use of alcohol in the family. To do this, they use: advice, persuasion, coercion, threats, indicate the helplessness of a person or instill a sense of guilt in their relatives. They invade the lives of other people, decide for them what to do, what to say, do not allow loved ones to be themselves. But the inability to control uncontrollable events leads them to depression, and is regarded by codependents as their own defeat. And then they suffer, feel complete helplessness, see no way out and, alas, understand that their efforts are in vain, and they cannot change the situation in any way.

Denial of reality

Codependent people try in every possible way to ignore the problems associated with the alcoholism of a loved one, and pretend as if nothing serious is happening. This behavior of codependents leads to the fact that the problem becomes even more acute. Self-deception, delusion, denial help co-addicts live in peace in a world of illusions, because the truth hurts them. For relatives who are dependent on an alcoholic, it is easier not to think about it than to admit that someone in the family is alcoholic. And their endless attempts to hide or hide the problem make the situation even worse. And gradually, all family ties are destroyed between the members of the family of an alcoholic, “walls” are erected from misunderstanding and alienation.

Distortion of feelings

In the life of co-dependents, such feelings predominate as: anxiety, shame, guilt that the alcoholic drinks because of them, self-pity, feelings of loneliness, depression, despair, apathy, disappointment, indignation, irritation, resentment, rage, anger, anger. But the main feeling that is present in everything is fear: fear of the unknown, fear of facing reality, fear of losing a family, fear of expecting the worst. In addition, codependent family members have difficulty in expressing emotions, and as a result, there are problems in communication and intimacy.

Showing excessive concern for others

Co-dependent family members show excessive concern for loved ones. This concern goes beyond all conceivable and inconceivable limits. Such behavior brings co-addicts pleasure, they like to feel like a “savior”, constantly help, care, pity, heal. But, unfortunately, these efforts do not bring the proper result, the alcoholic still consumes alcohol, and the terrible disease continues to develop. Co-dependents themselves provoke the development of alcoholism in a loved one, removing him from everyday troubles and worries, overprotecting him, they teach the alcoholic that “you don’t have to do anything yourself - relatives will take good care of him.”

Acquired diseases

Codependent people very often experience health problems caused by constant stress, problems, excessive work - these are headaches, insomnia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia, diseases of the stomach and duodenum, colitis, hypertension, neurocirculatory dystonia, neuroses, depression, passive aggressive behavior, increased anxiety - and this is not the whole list of diseases acquired by a person due to codependency.

Consequences of codependency for the family

In a family of co-dependents and an alcoholic, there is a rift in intra-family relationships. Family members are divided, they are not interested in each other's feelings and affairs. Relations in the family can hardly be called normal: constant conflicts, scandals, growing negative emotions, harsh criticism and mutual accusations, alienation. There is also a “twisting” of roles, when, for example, children take on the role of an adult, the breadwinner of the family, which is unbearable for them, and adults, on the contrary, move away from everything, trying on the role of a child. All this has a destructive effect on the family, and as a result, very often such families break up.

Despite the vain attempts of relatives to correct the alcoholic, the situation is getting worse from year to year: the alcoholic does not change, and does not even think about it, and the life and well-being of co-dependents worsens every month. Unfortunately, problems in the family cannot be solved by themselves, and with the wrong behavior or inaction of relatives, they can become even more aggravated.

Codependency Treatment

The most correct help to a loved one who is ill with alcoholism is help, first of all, to oneself. Treatment of alcohol dependence should not be directed only to the patient with alcoholism, it must also concern the family of the drinking person. It is impossible to cure alcoholism without positive changes in family members, because the more the feelings and behavior of relatives are distorted, the less help they can provide to an alcohol-addicted person. The involvement of relatives in therapy contributes to greater effectiveness of treatment and accelerates the process of recovery of a patient with alcoholism.

In order to cope with codependency, special programs are used to help relatives of alcoholics. They include:

General education lectures that reveal the essence of alcohol addiction and codependence of loved ones and ways to overcome them;

Group sessions of psychotherapy aimed at uniting the family and restoring mutual understanding between its members;

Individual assistance of a psychotherapist co-dependent with pronounced mental disorders, depression, who are not able to help themselves;

Family consultations.

Codependents only outwardly give the impression of responsible and sane people, but if you look closely, they are full of complexes and contradictions. Co-dependent people are very irresponsible about themselves, their health and sacrifice their lives for the sake of a relative who is ill with alcoholism. Codependency changes people a lot, so if your loved one suffers from alcohol addiction, first of all pay attention to your condition and behavior. In order to help yourself and the patient in time, you must clearly understand where and in what you are codependent.