How to forget a loved one. Is it easy to get a former friend out of your head?

07.08.2019

Question to the psychologist:

Good day! Please tell me how to get HIM out of your head. The fact is that after an unsuccessful marriage (3.5 years of marriage), I was not married. Raised the daughter herself. Men were rare in my life and not for long. I didn’t let anyone into my soul or house. She worked a lot, raised her daughter, looked after her mother.

I am 53 years old. Over the past more than 10 years, I have not had men. The daughter has grown. Married. Has a son. We live separately. Mom died. I changed my job to a more relaxed and normalized one. But still alone.

I met a man last August. More precisely, a classmate, but we have not seen each other for 38 years. I was "overwhelmed" from the first meeting. He has no family. We are talking. No courting on his part, but we can talk on the phone for hours. We are friends. He knows about my feelings, but he repeatedly told me that in the near future he is not planning any relationship with women. He explains this by the fact that he does not want to waste his energy, because is engaged in healing. I experienced his energetic abilities on myself. My health became noticeably better. I'm even starting to forget about the presence of herniated discs!

Soon it will be six months, as I constantly think about HIM. Even at work, when I need to concentrate (my work is mental), thoughts about HIM.

I set myself up to stop our communication. But I'm getting worse. I have not cried so much in my whole life as in these incomplete 6 months. If we do not communicate for 2-3 days, then at home I have tantrums. I live alone.

All my adult life I have dealt with all the problems myself, and then I broke down. And from the knowledge that I cannot cope with the current situation, it makes me worse. Our city is small and there is nowhere much to go. And I don’t want one! All my good friends are married and I don’t want to pour my problems on them. Once I let my daughter know about my feelings. It seems to me that she did not understand me, and maybe even scared. After all, I have lived all my life for her.

I lost some weight. Now, thanks to the exercises, I put my body in order. But even during classes, tears can flow.

The question is answered by the psychologist Alferova Margarita Olegovna.

Dear Elena, good afternoon!

It is clearly seen from your letter that you are a very strong woman, that you are used to solving everything yourself and, as I understand it, you did it very well and is doing it! You are smart !!!

But what is happening now ... Elena, excuse me, if I write without sentimentality, then you are an adult, mature, strong, intelligent woman and you will be able to understand and accept this. And it seems to me that this is exactly what you need now. By the way, in your case, the word ACCEPTANCE is the main one!

Elena, you have fulfilled your maximum program: you raised your daughter, helped your mother, built a career. You gave all of yourself for this, perhaps often forgetting about yourself altogether, for sure you suppressed your feelings and hid them very deeply. But now you are left alone and left alone with yourself ...

To some extent, you became bored, lonely, you have lost the meaning of life, the goal for which you have been striving all your life. You lack this adrenaline, you lack this motivation and incentive. Previously, you rushed at full speed, "accelerating your locomotive", but now you slowed down. But the energy remained in you, all the feelings and emotions remained, even though you suppressed them all your life. Moreover, they became even stronger because they were suppressed, took a certain shape, possibly deformed, and you have no experience of living with emotions, managing them (controlling, not suppressing), ACCEPT them.

And now you meet your classmate ... Memories of youth, of the age when you were happy and carefree (perhaps not so, but our memory is very selective and we often remember, perceive childhood and adolescence as happy) flashed in you. Mentally, emotionally, you returned to that time ... and it is natural that you liked it, that you were hooked, that you had a great need for such emotions (it’s like a sip of water in the desert).

What a blessing that you met a good person !!!, and not a gigolo and an adventurer. I judge by your description of this man. He considers himself a healer, perhaps he is. He helped you with your health, you are interested in him, you respect him !!! This is great !!! Unfortunately, it is true that healers often feel that they need to conserve their energy, to remain celibate. I don’t want to discuss whether it’s right or wrong, they believe it. It is a fact! And this must be ACCEPTED !!!

What are your feelings? I want?!!! I want to get what I want, I like it, I deserve it, I deserve it, this is mine. If I am wrong, then I apologize. Nobody argues that you deserve that you deserve the best !!! But! Relationships can only develop on condition of reciprocity. Love is when you give, give and do not expect anything in return!

Dear Elena, you are lucky to experience such feelings, you are lucky to feel like a woman again. This is happiness. Why give up this, why give up yourself? It is good for you to be together, it is good for you to communicate together, he does not refuse - let it be your resource, not a load. You can also transform your feelings into friendship. After all, what is friendship is also mutual understanding, mutual support, but without sexual relations. Open this light feeling in yourself (the key here is the light feeling of love), surrender to it, and do not run away from it. It can be your tremendous resource and stimulus in life, a guiding thread. You can find out in more detail what HE is doing, share his interests with HIM, become his companion. Both of you can benefit from this relationship. What you cry is your emotions that have been suppressed for a long time come out. You probably already forgot how to do it. A woman wakes up in you again. But it depends only on you whether you will go into depression and this feeling will become a disaster, or vice versa, you will soar and the feeling will become happiness.

You write "And from the knowledge that I cannot cope with the current situation, it makes me feel even worse." You are used to dealing with situations, you are used to winning, you are used to having everything your way. Here you have to learn ACCEPTANCE! ACCEPT what is, do not win, do not expect that everything will be your way, but ACCEPT and live with it.

Read books about love, listen to songs about love, about high, pure, light love.

Your request was about how to forget. If that's what you want.

It is a pity that there is no such pill that you can take and immediately forget the man you love forever. Many are familiar with the pain and suffering associated with unrequited love.

What can be advised in this case:

1. ACCEPT the situation as it is. This is the first and most difficult step.

You refuse to believe what happened. the fact that you refuse to ACCEPT reality gives you pain. You argue with reality, you argue that everything should be different. BUT! Everything is as it is and you just need to ACCEPT it. To accept that it may be impossible, what you want is very hard and painful. However, sooner or later it will have to be done.

2. Allow feelings to be. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, even grieve, suffer. You can exaggerate this, but be sure to give a time limit for hysterics, after which you start to control yourself. Not suppress emotions, but control. First, allow them to pour out to the fullest. It can even be feelings of resentment, anger, rage, self-pity. Do not push them in again, do not suppress them, they should come out. At the same time, you can do fitness, dance, cleaning, painting, etc. Let everything come out with tears, that's okay. Pour out all your pain through your tears so that there is nothing left in you. You can beat the pillow, yell at the toilet, then flush.

3. Of course it would be great to share your feelings with someone, to talk about what you feel. Women often find it easier when they discuss everything with their girlfriends. Maybe you can discuss with someone in chats, if there are no friends in reality. You can, in extreme cases, keep a diary and pour everything out to him. Tell about yourself, about your feelings as much as you need. Speak to the state of emptiness inside, when you get tired of it ... This may mean that you are ready to let go of the situation.

4. Thank life, this man for everything that happened. For emotions, for a surge of adrenaline, for cleansing and move on. Treat what happened as a gift.

If you want to stop communicating, then absolutely no contact with HIM. Remove any connection with a person: on the Internet; by phone; by mail; via skype and other means of communication. Wait out the initial hard moments. After all, you used to live without him and still were happy. Remove from life all psychological anchors that evoke memories of HIM: do not go to the places where you were together before; throw out any forgotten things; delete shared photos and videos on your computer, phone and other media. Don't think about what his head is doing, it doesn't matter. Switch all your thoughts, otherwise you will fall into pain. You shouldn't care what you're doing. At the moment, only your well-being is important. Absolute and complete indifference! Don't blame yourself for never being together. Find yourself a hobby, passion, something that would please the soul. Maybe something that you once dreamed about, but did not dare - the time has come for this, allow yourself.

Elena, I believe that you will be fine! I wish you happiness!

P.S. no one knows what will happen tomorrow and how everything will turn out :)

4.8333333333333 Rating 4.83 (6 Votes)

I am 22 years old. More than a year ago, she broke up with a guy with whom they lived together for more than two years. To this day, I don’t realize why we parted ways and on whose initiative it happened. The general picture looks like this: for a year and a half we lived practically in perfect harmony, but I was a clear leader in a relationship, it was embarrassing from time to time that he was a follower, loving, in fact without initiative, somewhere it flattered my pride, but sometimes it also made me think, Do I love this person or just play with the head of the family; but at some point everything changed dramatically: I myself noticed how I became apathetic, uninteresting, did not want anything or anyone, and by that moment everything was preparing for the wedding; scandals (exclusively with my claims) were replaced by a complete lack of interest in what was happening, then the desire to break off the relationship, which remained only a desire, well, under the finale - the termination of intimate relationships (moreover, I looked for "excuses" every time, and when this happened, it came to the point of absurdity - it seemed to me that I was almost raped). I turned into a "vegetable" - boring, uninteresting, unkempt, and he blossomed, became more confident, he had his own interests, his mother came very handy (whom I was extremely disliked), he became more and more rude, and I was all " sorry. " I still can't believe that I wrote this gloating one: "I've had enough. Let's just do it without talking. Bring in the keys tomorrow. This is the end." Why am I doing this? .. It was just a conversation with questions and answers that I needed. So we parted, and a week later he and his parents left for Egypt. They gave him a present (which they promised us exactly three New Years in a row - ironic). And then it started: I sharply took up myself, started looking for someone new (by the way, he was my first man), in public I was the embodiment of cheerfulness, and at night and with my parents I just climbed the walls, I don't have such a state it never happened: I didn't eat, smoked a lot, refused to drink a sedative, and roared at home for days. And here came this pernicious thought "I really love him." By the way, I tried to return him a month after that, I even offered just sex, hoping that he would feel something for me again (after all, he directly said that he had fallen out of love), and then I gathered my will into a fist and all my pride and cut off contacts ( and he did not try to restore them). Success in work began, new guys appeared. So now I have been meeting with a guy for six months, but I don't feel anything for him at all - nothing, emptiness. I constantly remember my ex, I understand that I am idealizing our relationship. And when he congratulated him on his birthday (the tradition is already the second year - we congratulate each other, we correspond all night and no more contacts throughout the year), then after the first message I wanted to write: "madly bored." I endured, I endure .. I remember, I think .. constantly. And his life is in full swing, he lives the way I would never have guessed when we were together. Somewhere I understand my guilt: she crushed, oppressed .. most likely - she went too far with her domineering character, and towards the finale she also let herself go (according to many articles); I understand that he feels very sweet without me, but I feel bad .. I firmly believe in what I love. But I can't do this anymore. How can I forget?

If we speak in the language of meteorology, partly cloudy life generates garbage in the head. We cannot breathe deeply, sleep peacefully and not suspect each person of something!

You can throw obsessive thoughts out of your head using completely free methods!

We leave trash from the head on paper

If you feel that your head is just bursting with endlessly unanswered questions and thoughts, take a piece of paper and pour everything on it. If you don't have a notebook or pen at hand, you can do this using notes on your phone. Write down everything, everything that has boiled over, read it several times and delete. Do not be skeptical about this advice, you try it and you will notice how the garbage leaves your head.

There are always people in our environment who are ready to take a dose of other people's problems. People call it friendship! Share your experiences with loved ones, get sincere advice and problems will fade into the background. It is important to just speak out so that no one interrupts and does not say the most stupid phrase: I warned you, but you did not listen to me!

Learn about other people's problems

You need to be able to objectively relate to your problems. Sometimes it’s funny to listen to when a person is nervous because they didn’t have time to drink their morning coffee, when some people cannot afford such a “luxury”. In order to throw all the rubbish out of your head once and for all, it is useful to compare yourself with others and understand that everything is not so bad with you, it may be worse.

To envy

This is one of the most powerful tips to get the trash out of your head. Envy can be different: you can envy and wish a person so that he does not succeed, but you can simply just take an example from him, and a good example is usually contagious. Throw away all the problems that have accumulated in your head, and throw all your strength into catching up and then surpassing the person who is successful in your eyes.

Live a different life

You can often hear that they say, “Katka lives better! Look, what car he drives! " If you are determined to throw all the rubbish out of your head, dare to have a fun and instructive experiment - switch roles with someone, at least for 2-3 days. It will be very interesting. But looking ahead, we will tell you that you will be happy to return to your old life and just slightly change the vector of its development.

I live one day

Remember your childhood! Did you think about what you will have breakfast tomorrow, put on to school, did you write a schedule for the day and make plans for two or three years in advance, did you predict and analyze your every day? No, no, of course not! All decisions were made using "like-dislike"! We recommend doing fasting days in adulthood and living one day. You will be surprised how much easier your life will become and all the rubbish will go out of your head. Today you want to dance until the morning, so dance, but you will fight tomorrow's headache tomorrow.

Answer all "why" "because"

You sit with a friend, and in an hour she said 100 "why": That's why all husbands are like husbands, and mine is not like that? Why am I constantly late? Why don't I like to cook so much, I try, but it still doesn't work out? Why am I surrounded by bad people? Why can't I lose weight?

Can you imagine how much garbage is in her head?

You can go on and on. Let's put an end to it once and for all. A person always has the right to choose: he will “cluck” all his life, or he will use his right of choice and begin to lose weight, try to cook again and again, leave people who are not suitable, etc.

I live as I want

We are used to obeying other people's opinions. You can shout, beat yourself in the chest and prove that this is not so! But it is enough to remember the situation when all friends gather and how many things we do just "for the company" so as not to offend, keep up and not be a black sheep. We do this when there are very close people nearby who, it would seem, are ready to understand everything and forgive everything, but how many situations when we obey the opinions of colleagues, acquaintances, etc.?

Novels are different - long-term and fleeting, long-awaited and casual, light and burdensome. Unfortunately, not all novels end with a wedding and long "lived-were". Most of them break off quite unsuccessfully, causing pain and suffering to one of the partners. As a rule, this partner is a girl, because a rare lady recalls the relationship with the phrase “ it was just sex" or " met and parted».

Having experienced disappointment in love, girls remember for a long time the object of adoration, attributing to it a lot of merits and dreaming of reunion. Even more torment is brought about by thoughts of his present pastime, when a woman becomes jealous of her former lover's hypothetical new girlfriends. Such masochism does not lead to good, since it is followed by a complete loss of self-esteem and apathy towards the outside world.

How to get a person out of the head and heart? The proven advice of psychologists will help you part with obsessive thoughts of love failure.

Out of sight, out of mind

How to get a loved one out of the head if every day his photographs, his forgotten mug or a music disk presented to him for Christmas remind of him? Such a task is within the power of only strong-willed individuals who are able to clench their hearts in an icy fist and turn a blind eye to such " psychological anchors».

It's time to start cleaning! You need to throw out:

The things left from him are slippers, a T-shirt and other forgotten wardrobe items.
Gifts given to them (you can temporarily hide them in the pantry or give them to a friend).
General photographs and videos, including those on electronic media. No pictures of him on your phone!
Discs of music or movies that recall moments spent together.

These simple actions primarily help to get rid of annoying memories. Let's move on to the next steps.

Down with resentment against the still loved one!

After a painful breakup, it is common for a person to feel resentful. Perhaps his hopes and expectations did not come true. Maybe it pissed him off that he never achieved reciprocity. Cheating is, without a doubt, a reason for anger and resentment. But is it worth accumulating negative emotions?

Psychologists advise to stop wasting your energy on such manifestations of feelings as soon as possible. “Savoring” the heartache, a woman remains in this situation for a long time, preventing her liberation from thoughts about a person.

Stop crying!

Think about the reason for the anger or resentment. Once the sources of negative emotions are identified, it becomes easier to get them out of your head.
Reverse the situation! Perhaps you should not be angry with a person, but thank him? Say "thank you" to the man in your mind for the pleasant moments you spent together. And if the relationship was painful, then their end, rather, a reason for joy. Then thank your former lover for freedom, peace and independence.

No contact with someone you can't get out of your head

Many girls deliberately seek meetings with their ex-lover, preferring for their pastime the places where he is guaranteed to appear. But if you are determined to throw a person out of life, such places should be avoided.

You don't need to run to his favorite cafe or walk under the windows of his house with your girlfriends. If you are invited to the same party, it is best to stay at home. This does not mean that the ex-boyfriend "won" and you are no longer allowed to go anywhere. You just have to temporarily not meet with him until the emotions subside.

This rule also applies to social networks. How to get rid of thoughts about a person from your head if you regularly look at his Vkontakte page and monitor his activity? Did he make friends with some girl? Have you changed your marital status? Whose pictures is he commenting on? Stop!

It's time to slow down!

Go to social networks only to chat with positive people.
Set yourself a time frame for being online - no more than 10-15 minutes. This time is barely enough for the tapes of friends, so it will not come to the beloved.
Refrain from Facebook and Vkontakte altogether. If self-control is not enough and you admire his pictures every day, then you should stop torturing yourself and temporarily give up social life on the network. It's time to get out into the real world!

Favorite hobby

Getting rid of thoughts of an unsuccessful romance is great when doing what you love is great. Any hobbies that make you happy will do. Let it be sports training, handicrafts or drawing - the main thing is to keep you interested. If there is no time for pleasant activities, it will not be superfluous to reshape your schedule during the crucial period of healing from love.

How to get rid of a person's head when a hobby simply does not exist? The novel took so much time that you are completely lost in it, forgetting your girlfriends and favorite things. So it's time to open up to new impressions. Try everything that is available, even if it seems crazy - ethnic dancing, skydiving or lute courses.

Believe me, there will be no time for the blues, and thoughts of your ex-lover will gradually fade away. In addition, your horizons will expand significantly, and you will become an even more interesting person for those around you.

Back to life

Look at the failed romance from a different angle. It was just a "drunken hobby", and after it you will have to endure a natural hangover syndrome. Let them get rid of it gradually, but over time, clarity of consciousness and a fresh look at the world around you will still return!

Exciting relationships in which a woman completely dissolves, gradually outlive her as a person. She thinks only about making her beloved feel good, forgetting about her interests and desires. It's time to put everything back in place.

Remember:

Your favorite foods and drinks.
Lovely habits that had to be suppressed because they irritated Him.
Your favorite songs and movies.

Those little things that were an integral part of your calm and happy life before the ex-boyfriend appeared in it, will allow you to return to the feeling of yourself in order to feel like a person again.

Let your friends know that you don't know how to get the thoughts of the person out of your head. They will definitely help to cope with the problem! A reclusive lifestyle is strictly contraindicated, and only old faithful friends will pull you out of their shell for at least an hour a day. In addition, walks in the fresh air are good for health, even for those who do not suffer from unhappy love.

Novels are different - long-term and fleeting, long-awaited and casual, light and burdensome. Unfortunately, not all novels end with a wedding and long "lived-were". Most of them break off quite unsuccessfully, causing pain and suffering to one of the partners. As a rule, this partner is a girl, because a rare lady recalls the relationship with the phrase “it was just sex” or “met and parted”.

How to get a person out of the head and heart? The proven advice of psychologists will help you part with obsessive thoughts of love failure.

Out of sight, out of mind

It's time to start cleaning! You need to throw out:

The things left from him are slippers, a T-shirt and other forgotten wardrobe items.
Gifts given to them (you can temporarily hide them in the pantry or give them to a friend).
General photographs and videos, including those on electronic media. No pictures of him on your phone!
Discs of music or movies that recall moments spent together.

These simple actions primarily help to get rid of annoying memories. Let's move on to the next steps.

Down with resentment against the still loved one!

Stop crying!

Think about the reason for the anger or resentment. Once the sources of negative emotions are identified, it becomes easier to get them out of your head.
Reverse the situation! Perhaps you should not be angry with a person, but thank him? Say "thank you" to the man in your mind for the pleasant moments you spent together. And if the relationship was painful, then their end, rather, a reason for joy. Then thank your former lover for freedom, peace and independence.

No contact with someone you can't get out of your head

It's time to slow down!

Go to social networks only to chat with positive people.
Set yourself a time frame for being online - no more than 10-15 minutes. This time is barely enough for the tapes of friends, so it will not come to the beloved.
Refrain from Facebook and Vkontakte altogether. If self-control is not enough and you admire his pictures every day, then you should stop torturing yourself and temporarily give up social life on the network. It's time to get out into the real world!

Favorite hobby

Back to life

Remember:

Your favorite foods and drinks.
Lovely habits that had to be suppressed because they irritated Him.
Your favorite songs and movies.

Opening our heart and preparing for a new love

So, all the wellness stages are over, and it is time to announce a "vacancy" in your heart.

After all, after you returned to the thoughts of your beloved, began to breathe deeply again and do interesting things, we can say with confidence that that person will be erased from life.

Only now, when the suffering for the ex-boyfriend has come to an end and the thoughts of spying on him and his life are in the past, can you sincerely think about a new love. Otherwise, the heart will not open to tender feelings for another person.

If you are really ready to move forward, towards your future, then it's time to celebrate the victory over reason and feelings and in full combat readiness to wait for your soul mate.