“My touch is unpleasant for my husband. Aversion to touch

07.05.2019

We have been married for 17 years. During this time, my husband and I had periods of emotional distance and rapprochement. But lately I have been feeling rejection from him. He is annoyed by my words and actions. He refuses my gifts. And what causes the most suffering - he dislikes my touch, to the extent that he literally jumps up from his seat when I try to hug or touch. Says: "I don't like it." I tried to talk to him frankly, said: "If you don't love, let's part." He does not perceive my words, he says: "I do everything for the house." Leaves to spend the night at work. But the family is not only life. Recently, I even have dreams in which my husband ignores me.

Inga, 36 years old

People respond differently to physical contact in different emotional states. Some in moments of mental discomfort want to be hugged and hugged to themselves. Others in a state of emotional stress, fatigue or irritability say: "Don't touch me" - literally and figuratively. For example, if there are troubles that a person wants to solve himself, without traumatizing his loved ones and not letting them in on the essence of what is happening, then he may seek solitude, react negatively to attempts at physical intimacy.

First, it is important to understand whether irritability is personally related to you, or whether this is his own state, and you are indirectly involved in it. If this is not related to you, then irritability manifests itself in a wider range of situations - in relation to other people as well. A person becomes more withdrawn, less striving for contacts and entertainment. The fact that there were such periods before, and then they were replaced by rapprochement, and the fact that the spouse continues to do everything for the house, indicates that this is not directly related to you and your marital relationship. Rather, it is a consequence of his emotional state at the moment. And you need to try not to aggravate the situation with actions that cause additional irritation.

The family is really not only life. But at the moment, it is better to show your love through understanding and sensitivity to the state of your spouse, to create an environment conducive to "dispersing clouds", to help him return to a state of serenity and good mood. And when you feel that your husband's mood has improved, resume tactile contact - first return to emotionally encouraging and neutral touches during a walk, ask for a hand, kiss when parting and meeting. And in the future, expand the area of physical contact to hugs and kisses, having kindly talked to your husband and explaining that this is very important for you. I wish you family well-being and mutual understanding!

Haptophobia is the fear of touching people. Also, this pathology is called afephobia, haphophobia, haptephobia.

This is a rather rare and specific phobia, manifested in the form of an obsessive fear of touching strangers. Many residents of megalopolises suffer from haptophobia; they want to minimize physical contact with those people who are unpleasant or unfamiliar to them. Haptophobia most often occurs in people who were not brought up in full families, or parents from childhood did not instill in them love for others. This phobia is a violation of a person's mental adaptation, it interferes with his social contacts in society.

Haptophobia should be distinguished from the humility of a person's character. Fear of other people's touch becomes a big problem for many people, causes a lot of negative emotions, deprives them of the joy of human communication. Haptophobia can be called a disease of large cities, because in the rural outback, handshaking and kissing are a normal manifestation of the goodwill of people when they meet.

Causes

There are many reasons for the development of haptophobia, which are divided into "external" and "internal" factors.

External factors include:

Various disorders of the nervous system: obsessive-compulsive disorder and psychasthenia;
Childhood sexual and physical abuse. It can be especially acute in men who have encountered pedophiles or homosexuals in childhood;
Intellectual development disorders. Autistic and mentally handicapped children do not like to be touched and can react very aggressively to it;
Work specifics. May affect some healthcare professionals;
Personality disorders. Haphophobia can occur in people with anankastic personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder;
Puberty. Teenagers are afraid that if a girl touches them, then sexual arousal will arise, which will be noticeable to everyone.

Internal factors include:

Symptoms

People with haptophobia may be afraid of being touched not only by strangers, but even by relatives. When touched, patients can flinch, facial expressions change. The people around them understand that their touch is unpleasant for a person.

Patients with haptophobia divide the touch of strangers into two types: burning ("like a stigma") and cold ("shivering").

In some patients, when touched, nausea and trembling in the limbs, a feeling of disgust may occur. Many patients experience an unpleasant sensation in the place of contact with a stranger. If someone with haptophobia took their hand, then he tries to wash it with soap under running water or wipe it off with a napkin. Haptophobia can manifest itself in a person in a feeling of lack of air - he begins to suffocate, an attack of a panic attack may occur.

Very often, the fear of touch can hide other types of phobias: fear of infection (another person may be perceived as a breeding ground for pathogens or viruses) or before the manifestation of sexual aggression. The term "comfort zone" has appeared in the modern world.

How to recognize a haptophobe?

Some people set certain boundaries, keep strangers at a certain distance from themselves. Each person tries to protect himself from communication with unpleasant or strangers. The touch of another person is regarded as a "violation of the border". In some people, a fear of touch manifests itself as a negative attitude towards water or the wind, that is, the fear of external aggression is manifested.

Sometimes the fear of other people's touch interferes with a person's personal life, interferes with sexual contact with a sexual partner. In some patients with haptophobia, there is an aggressive response to the touch of another person. The patient can unexpectedly push or hit a person, pull his hand sharply. At the moment of aggressive behavior, the patient does not remember anything, his actions are not conscious.

People with a fear of touch wear closed clothing: long-sleeved shirts and sweaters, trousers or jeans. They do not like to travel in public transport, they are in queues, the slightest touch of strangers causes a sea of negative emotions in patients. Patients with haptophobia always mentally tune in advance to meet friends who will hug them, and try to hide the external manifestations of unpleasant sensations.

Violation of social interaction

Haptophobia can occur in healthcare professionals and police officers. Some people at work very often have to deal with alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people who lead an asocial lifestyle and do not follow basic rules of personal hygiene. In the future, the fear of touching people spreads to family members and close friends.

Very often, others perceive this phobia for ordinary disgust, resentment and misunderstanding arise, they react negatively to fear, do not help to overcome it with their support.

Symptoms of haptophobia can be one of the signs of a person's asexuality. Some patients have low levels of thyroid hormones, estrogens (in women) or testosterone (in men), they are absolutely not interested in persons of the opposite sex, they have no sexual desire, and any touch of strangers to them leads to emotional irritation and causes a feeling of disgust ...

People who have experienced physical or sexual abuse (or attempted rape) in childhood are very much afraid of touching people. Any tactile contact is regarded by them as a manifestation of physical or sexual aggression. They remember what happened for the rest of their lives and are afraid that it might happen again. Sometimes they consider unsociability the best "shield".

Diagnostics

Haptophobia is detected during a conversation between a doctor and a patient. Very often a person himself cannot understand why he does not like the touch of strangers. The psychotherapist should help the patient understand the causes of his phobia. It is necessary to carry out a differential diagnosis of haptophobia and other human fears. The patient should tell the doctor about the traumatic situations of his childhood.

Treatment

Fear of touching in metropolitan areas is considered a normal phenomenon, and some people do not even know to seek psychological help from doctors.

If a person is aware of his problem, then he will not be able to cope with this phobia on his own.

Fear of touch is a violation of human social interaction and is very often treated by psychologists in personal growth groups. If haptophobia is a manifestation of neurosis or psychasthenia, then the patient must be prescribed medication and psychotherapy.

Many psychologists believe that the fear of touch is treated by being in a crowd for a long time - “like is treated like”. Long-term psychotherapy allows you to most deeply and thoroughly work through all the fears of a person. In psychotherapy sessions, you can treat the fear itself (behavioral therapy), or you can investigate the source of its occurrence and understand what led to it. Haptophobia can be defeated with the mutual "cooperation" of the psychotherapist, the patient and his loved ones.

Natural selection. We need to get medical treatment!

"I bet he could have sold the snow to the Eskimos."

"Why do you think so? "

“Yes, all because of the girl. Wow! My granddaughter, Sarah, is on a plane!” He looked at the biplane circling over the farm, which seemed to us like a silvery midge. He spoke as a cold-blooded person would speak, noticing that flowers suddenly bloomed on a dried birch in the yard and poured ruddy apples appeared.

"From the very birth she hates heights. She starts screaming. She is terrified. Sarah would rather stick her hand in an aspen grove than climb a tree. She will not climb into the attic, even if the Great Flood was already splashing in the yard. She works wonders with machines. , gets along with animals, but can't stand the height at all. And here it is - it flies through the air. "

Causes, symptoms and treatment of haptophobia

Haptophobia is the fear of touching people. Also, this pathology is called afephobia, haphophobia, haptephobia.

Causes

There are many reasons for the development of haptophobia, which are divided into "external" and "internal" factors.

External factors include:

Various disorders of the nervous system: obsessive-compulsive disorder and psychasthenia;
Childhood sexual and physical abuse. It can be especially acute in men who have encountered pedophiles or homosexuals in childhood;
Intellectual development disorders. Autistic and mentally handicapped children do not like to be touched and can react very aggressively to it;
Work specifics. May affect some healthcare professionals;
Personality disorders. Haphophobia can occur in people with anankastic personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder;
Puberty. Teenagers are afraid that if a girl touches them, then sexual arousal will arise, which will be noticeable to everyone.

Personal characteristics. May develop in people who do not like someone to invade their personal space. Also, some people do not like to communicate with strangers;
Increased disgust. Over time, it can develop into haptophobia;
Asexuality. The reason for all is a disturbed hormonal background;
Nationalist or racist beliefs. A person is not pleased when he is touched by people of a different nationality or race;
Fear of touching men.

Symptoms

Patients with haptophobia divide the touch of strangers into two types: burning ("like a stigma") and cold ("shivering").

How to recognize a haptophobe?

Some people set certain boundaries, keep strangers at a certain distance from themselves. Each person tries to protect himself from communication with unpleasant or strangers. The touch of another person is regarded as a "violation of the border". For some people, a fear of touch manifests itself in the form of a negative attitude towards water or wind, that is, a fear of external aggression manifests itself.

Violation of social interaction

Very often, others perceive this phobia for ordinary disgust, resentment and misunderstanding arise, they react negatively to fear, do not help to overcome it with their support.

Diagnostics

Treatment

Fear of touching in metropolitan areas is considered a normal phenomenon, and some people do not even know to seek psychological help from doctors.

If a person is aware of his problem, then he will not be able to cope with this phobia on his own.

Fear of someone else's touch

What is haptophobia

Phobias are very different, among the most "condemned" and "incomprehensible" haptophobia stands out - the fear of touch. Also, fear is often called afephobia, haphophobia, haptephobia. This is a rather rare and specific phobia, which manifests itself as an obsessive fear of touching other people, unwillingness to contact them. Phobia manifests itself in psychasthenia or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Haptophobia is an overly exaggerated sense of personal space. Every person has it, and everyone tries to protect him from the intrusions of strangers. However, in people whose psyche is violated, the border between personal and common space is blurred, and the touch of strangers becomes more than unpleasant, then a phobia appears. When a stranger "penetrates" into personal territory, the feeling of inconvenience is exacerbated to the extreme, the fear of physical contact becomes uncontrollable.

In the modern world, intolerance to other people's touch is becoming so common that most people, including the patients themselves, do not take it seriously. Although most often, fear is only a side effect of a more serious illness, and it is treated after a person has managed to cope with his neurosis.

The phobia can spread not only to non-strangers and random strangers, but also to family members and close friends. Often, the fear of touch is mistaken for increased disgust, and as a result, resentment and misunderstanding arise, they react negatively to the fear, not helping to overcome it with their support.

Causes of fear

Haptophobia often begins in childhood, where an extremely unpleasant event could have happened to a person, for example, rape, attempted harassment, encounter with pedophilia, beatings and bites. Parents could scare the child that strangers on the street could catch something terrible and die. There is a particularly great chance that a phobia will arise in boys who have been in an unpleasant situation of a sexual nature. They remember what happened for the rest of their lives and are afraid that it could happen again, so they consider unsociability to be the best shield. Phobia can arise even from a seemingly insignificant incident, but over time, the fear progresses in the subconscious.

In other cases, the reluctance to touch strangers can be caused by observing the dirtiest and sloppiest representatives of society, such as drug addicts, alcoholics and homeless people, who are even unpleasant for many to be around. Such haptophobia can be justified if the fear does not become obsessively catastrophic.

Phobia can also appear for physiological reasons, most often at the hormonal level. Due to the amount of estrogen and testosterone and diseases of the thyroid gland, a person may experience such a deviation in sexual behavior as asexuality, which is accompanied by poor tolerance to any touch.

It so happens that haptophobia is limited only by the fear of touching people of the opposite sex, such people even more often withdraw into themselves and avoid any contact. In women, this is due to the fear of sexual violence to which they are subjected more often than men.

Symptoms and treatment of haptophobia

The symptoms that accompany the phobia are not very diverse in nature. Among them:

Excessive excitement before going outside or in an unfamiliar place;
Panic when in a crowd;
Nausea and trembling in the limbs;
Feeling that the air is running out and the person is suffocating;
Feeling the unreality of what is happening;
Feeling disgusted;
Fear of being stained and contaminated with something.

Patients experiencing fear describe the touch of strangers either as burning, like a stigma, or, on the contrary, cold and shivering. Phobia makes people very nervous and afraid of any penetration into their personal space.

To cope with such an enemy as haptophobia is possible only with the help of complex treatment. Neurosis strongly interferes with social and personal life, such a problem cannot be ignored. Phobia should be treated under the supervision of a qualified psychotherapist who will prescribe antidepressants and prescribe the necessary procedures.

The Austrian writer Elias Canetti believes that fear can only be defeated by using the "knock out wedge with wedge" method. That is, only being in a crowd can save the patient from obsessive fear. This idea is fully justified, but it is often very difficult to step over yourself and face fear.

Haptophobia: overcoming the fear of touching strangers

A person needs space to feel comfortable. Some people enjoy strong friendly hugs and constant tactile contact, other individuals try to maintain a certain distance and resent when friends or relatives cross the invisible line. There is also a category of men and women who are diagnosed with a fear of touch. For them, every tactile contact is a terrible test.

Fear of tactile contact: frustration, not whims

Haptophobia (in other words, this phobia is called afenphosmophobia or hafephobia) is not a quirk or personality trait, but a mental disorder. People around a person may consider him an arrogant egoist or a clean man who disdains to shake hands with a colleague or kiss his beloved aunt on the cheek. Children with this disorder are described as shy and shy and are constantly forced to step over fear and disgust in order to liberate and make them more sociable. You also need to understand that afenphosmophobia and fear of people are completely different things that have a different nature.

Phobia does not appear in men and women from birth, but is formed under the influence of external or internal factors. Some psychologists argue that the problem occurs in patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder or psychasthenia. Other experts believe that sometimes a serious emotional shock in the distant past is enough for the situation and unpleasant impressions from it to be deposited in the subconscious, and over time transformed into a fear of touching people around.

Haptophobia in an adult can appear unexpectedly. One day comes the realization that it is unpleasant for him to touch the palm of the other half, and the hugs of a loving mother or brother annoy or cause discomfort. The thoughts are constantly circulating that a person touched the rail on the bus with those very hands, stroked the dog, or forgot to wash them after using the toilet. The reason for this condition may be watching a movie with shocking shots or the consequences of work, an unpleasant incident in real life.

Typical symptoms of haptophobia

Patients with fear of touch try to avoid public places where strangers may inadvertently touch them. They take a long time to calm down and adjust before leaving the house, put on shirts or sweatshirts with long sleeves, sometimes even in summer, in order to close their body as much as possible from others.

When a neighbor or a passenger passing by touches an ordinary person on the bus, he will not pay attention to such a trifle. A patient with haptophobia in such a situation will experience a storm of emotions:

the pulse quickens, symptoms such as nausea and trembling in the limbs appear;
lack of oxygen provokes shortness of breath and panic attack;
the touch itself either burns or seems cold, like a piece of ice, from which the skin becomes covered with pimples;
a person wants to immediately wash the "defiled" area or wipe it with a damp cloth.

In some men and women, the phobia is not so pronounced, so they are able to endure the kisses of their grandmother or the hugs of friends, forcing themselves to make love with their husband or wife, but such contacts do not bring them pleasure. A few seconds of tenderness, and they try to move away, go to another room, or find more important things to do. Haptophobes are often unable or unwilling to hide their emotions from others: disgust, irritation or fear. Some demonstratively take out napkins or go to the bathroom to show that they cannot forcefully climb into their comfort zone.

Fear of touch: internal causes

If a sexually active woman or man has suddenly ceased to be interested in the opposite sex, he has problems with weight or health, a phobia has appeared, then it is recommended to check the hormonal background. Low testosterone or estrogen levels lead to a decrease in libido, so the desire to make love and just touch someone disappears.

The phobia also haunts male adolescents. Young men avoid contact with the opposite sex, fearing the manifestation of an erection at an uncomfortable moment and condemnation of others who witnessed arousal.

Afenphosmophobia can be a consequence of rape, when strangers and overly intrusive acquaintances are associated with danger. Patients who were forced to have sex in childhood prefer loneliness and have a hard time getting close to people. Women are intimidated by the attempts of strangers to take their hand or touch another part of the body. Girls in such situations either run away or fight back against the enemy. In some cases, everything ends only with indignation, although a stranger can get it in the face or in the nose. Patients during a panic attack do not control their own actions.

It is difficult for boys who are victims of adult men to socialize. They do not develop friendships or romantic relationships for fear of a repetition of the situation.

Some patients are uncomfortable with the touch of certain categories of people: with dark skin, overweight, physical characteristics. The disorder is caused by racist beliefs or hostility towards people with disabilities or overweight people. Perhaps the patient is subconsciously afraid of injury or getting fat.

Haptophobia: external factors

Medical and social workers who are forced to touch and talk to unkempt homeless people and drug addicts on a daily basis gradually become fearful of dirt and disease. They are pursued by the obsession that a virus or bacteria can be picked up from strangers. Gradually, a mild form of disgust is aggravated and turns into a fear of any touch.

Phobia - can be one of the symptoms of autism or mental retardation. People with this diagnosis are more focused on their inner world, and attempts by others to invade their comfort zone are perceived aggressively.

A fear of touch is diagnosed in patients with nervous disorders: psychasthenia or obsessive-compulsive disorders. Patients avoid contact with strangers or even relatives if they do not want to pick up the bacteria. Such individuals carefully monitor their cleanliness and hygiene, always carry wet wipes or antiseptic products with them, and react sharply to any stains or dirt.

Some people are annoyed by the smell of the interlocutor, which is repulsive and causes negative emotions. Perhaps the scent is associated with unpleasant memories from the past, or you just don't like it. In such situations, it is enough to stop communicating and not force yourself to be polite and nice.

Fear of touch: treatment

Some patients are comfortable with their phobia and the possibility of isolation from the outside world. They find work that does not require contact with people, do not seek to start relationships. If the problem is uncomfortable, you should contact a psychotherapist.

The specialist in the process of treatment must determine what caused the development of the problem. For some people, the phobia disappears after getting rid of unpleasant memories and fear. Others benefit from antidepressants, and mental health problems will require qualified treatment with special drugs.

To get used to touching and hugging, pair dancing or yoga classes are advised for some patients. Physician-supervised group therapy or shock therapy is helpful, in which the person is asked to visit public places where there are many people every day, or to ride buses during rush hour. The latter option is only suitable for individuals who are able to control panic attacks, otherwise the experiment may end badly.

Phobia can be diagnosed and treated, but it is better to get rid of fear in the therapist's office, rather than trying to overcome your disorder on your own. It is enough to admit that there is a problem, and the doctor will tell you how to correct the situation.

Aversion to touch

Chief editor of the website goodhouse.com.ua

I always went to work as if it were a holiday. Here are my colleagues, like-minded people, a team of smart professionals and wonderful people. We went through this difficult winter together. Solidarity in the main, we argued over trifles, sometimes disagreed with each other, spoke out passionately about politics and politicians. And then spring came ... And there are no more contradictions between us, we have forgotten about any disagreements. As one we all repeat: “Let's not allow war! We do not need to be protected! " Our team is all of Ukraine: residents of Lvov, Kharkov, Simferopol, Kherson, Kiev. I am an ethnic Russian who, according to someone's absurd idea, was supposed to "experience all the delights of Bandera and nationalism on her own skin." But all this was not and is not! There is wisdom of people, understanding and deep respect for all nations! I love Ukraine with all my heart, and it reciprocates with me. We, the goodhouse.com.ua team, are confident: only our unity, kindness and love will lead us to peace and happiness!

Chief editor of the magazine "Domashny Ochag"

The events of recent months, which shook the country, have made adjustments to our perception of the world. It turned out that the world is so fragile that one wrong word or deed is enough, as it crumbles into small fragments, hurting hearts and souls in the literal sense. Everyone is fighting for the truth. The only contradiction dividing people into warring camps is that everyone has their own truth: someone follows the order, and someone acts at the behest of the heart. I really want us to have as many unifying goals, moments of joy and reasons for pride in our loved ones, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and compatriots unfamiliar to us as possible. What are women talking about today - mothers, wives, sisters and daughters? They pray to God that this world will be safe and sound! So that children, husbands and brothers do not stand on opposite sides of the barricade, but please with success at work and in school. And they joked, pampered, loved. Peace to you and your families! Remember, Ukraine is a united country!

Dislike for touch

The problem is that I hate it when someone touches me. If anyone touches me, then the mood is ruined for the whole day. Neither mother, nor brother, nor beautiful girls, any touch gives me terrible discomfort. This has nothing to do with hygiene, I can pick up a pie from the floor and eat it, take someone else's socks and throw it into the wash. I don't like animals, but I stroke them without any consequences.

Because of this, you have to come up with a lot of florid tricks to avoid tactile contacts. For example, in order to avoid shaking hands at interviews, I tied my hand with a bandage, and in order not to go to the hairdresser I bought myself a machine and cut my hair myself. Over the years, I have come up with a lot of such tricks that allowed me to exist comfortably enough, some are even quite useful despite the frustration. But time passes, I began to think about the family, but with my problem the goal seems unattainable.

I tried to describe everything in sufficient detail. I will answer any questions. Need help or at least advice.

I can't stand someone else's touch

They shy away from shaking hands and cannot stand being touched on the shoulder. For some it seems natural to embrace when they meet, but these people flinch from any touch. Where does this rejection of physical contact come from?

Marina is 29 years old, she has many friends, she goes on dates, loves to dance ... She gives the impression of a person who gets along with herself. Except for one thing: Marina cannot stand friendly hugs, other people's hands on her shoulder. “I just cringe, and sometimes I even start to choke when someone unexpectedly touches me. It's worse than being naked in public. " Why is she so annoyed with ordinary gestures that the other person would not pay attention to?

Invisible footprints

“The body retains invisible traces of our past,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochian. - Often, those who are afraid of other people's touch in childhood had complex tactile relationships with their parents, primarily with their mother. This connection is best revealed by psychoanalysis: in the process of work it often turns out that the mother was too compulsively squeezing the child or, conversely, rarely hugged him. "

If you carefully observe yourself, it may turn out that intolerance to touch is not general in nature, but is aimed at very specific people - and often at the one who is most attracted and arouses the desire for intimacy. Perhaps there is a negative belief behind this: sex is always filth and danger. It is also learned from parents and turns any touch into an indecent hint, almost an attempt, which must be resisted.

“In each case, there is a reason for rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person’s desire to forget about the painful sensations he has experienced,” continues the psychotherapist.

The past is locked

“Protecting ourselves from other people's touches, our body seems to be hiding - from others and from ourselves - something unpleasant from the past,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan. “Sometimes a person may even have imaginary skin diseases or other psychosomatic manifestations, as long as he is not touched - in the literal and figurative sense.”

Border control

Of the five senses, only touch is mutual: not only we touch the other, but he also touches us. “If in a conversation someone starts touching me too often,” says 33-year-old Ksenia, “it immediately seems to me that he allows himself too much, almost disposes of me as property. This is annoying. "

Many find it difficult to draw boundaries between themselves and others: they either survive the invasion or they themselves attack. Such people do not feel protected - neither physically nor psychologically - and instead of contacting the outside world, they defend themselves from it.

A person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his "I", himself as an integral personality

“These animals need external protective equipment to survive: shell, needles, claws ... - says Margarita Zhamkochyan. - And a person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral person who has the right to live among other people. And this protection makes us invulnerable to any intrusion, which means it saves us from painful experiences and the need to defend ourselves. "

“As a child, I hated it when I was patted on the cheek, pressed to me. I “fled” from adults - I dodged their hands, - recalls Svetlana, 28 years old. - I really began to suffer from physical contact at the age of 16. I blushed a lot when they just approached me - it doesn't matter whether a stranger or a friend. I got eczema ... Working with a psychoanalyst, I realized that the problem was in my confrontation with my mother: she tried to possess me completely, and I resisted this. To the point that she turned her skin into a shell so that I would not be touched. Fortunately, now I have dealt with it. "

Does he (she) avoid your kisses, dodge so as not to feel your hand on his shoulder? Do not get angry: in most cases, it is not you that is rejected, but the meaning that a person puts into your movements. Give in to the initiative: for example, when meeting, do not try to hug, but say: “It's so good that we met! Will you kiss me?" So you give the person the opportunity to solve this issue on their own and save him from the feeling of invasion of his personal space.

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touch, as long as it is pleasing to both.

What to do?

1. Explore the reasons

Recall which touch is the most annoying for you, and ask the person you trust to gently touch you that way. Listen to the feelings and associations that arise and mentally move back to the past. At some point, a forgotten memory will come - at first glance not associated with touch, but capable of suggesting where the unpleasant experiences began.

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you in this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Reflecting in this way will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

Learn to feel the pleasure of your own touch. Every evening, lubricate with cream and massage hands, feet, use body milk. It will relieve daytime stress as well as provide a pleasant and safe touch experience.

4. Strengthen your internal defenses

Feel where exactly in the body you feel your "I". Place your hand on this spot. Describe the image that has arisen: is there light, space, form. What does it look like? Maybe it's a fire or a source ... This will be your individual self-image. If you do this exercise for 30-60 seconds once a week, you will notice how the image gradually changes and takes a different place. This feeling of your “I”, that inner protection, will turn on itself at the right moments and support you.

About the expert

Margarita Zhamkochian is a psychotherapist, social psychologist, director of the psychological center of the Victoria charity foundation.

How do we feel about (other people's) touch?

Touch is a source of constant awkwardness for many of us. One movement of the hand can bring us closer, or it can destroy the hope of rapprochement.

Few of us in our youth listen to the advice of adults. We often understand the value and significance of their words only with age.

Irritation from touch

Asks: Ekaterina: 04: 50)

Hello. I am 29 years old. Difficult relationship with her husband, son is 3 years old. Since childhood, I don't like being touched, but I very rarely show it. I can ride crowded buses rather calmly, but I can't stand all sorts of manifestations. how to say something. sympathy or something. I don’t kiss anyone, I don’t hug anyone (if I haven’t seen each other for a very long time, then the hugs last no more than 5 seconds). Mom says that I have been like this since childhood, I even always went to bed myself (I have good relations with my parents), I never went to hug or bask, I always considered it superfluous. And over time, it grew into. I don’t know what to call it, please tell me? If they stroke my head, hair, put a hand on my shoulder, try to just hug me, I start to get irritated, my mood spoils, I can scream, hysterics may start, sometimes I even feel sick. The only person to whom there is no such reaction is my son.

Catherine! What does this impersonal phrase mean: "If they stroke my head, hair, put a hand on my shoulder, try to just hug me."

Who are these "someone" who makes you sick? It is necessary to deal with your relations with your relatives, with your parents. After all, it is one thing when a child does not go to bask, and quite another when an adult is sick of the touch of others. Many psychologists have an incorrect manner, without understanding the situation, to look for everything in childhood. Clients do not avoid this either. I suspect that if they did not allow any affection at all, then you would not have a husband or a child in principle. So once, more recently, and not in childhood, everything was fine with you?

See a psychologist in person. I would recommend finding a specialist who knows classical hypnosis. After all, if your problem is truly "from childhood," then age regression is the easiest way to solve your problem. Perhaps your problem comes from a past life.

It seems that the current state began to give you anxiety in relationships with loved ones in the first place, if I understood you correctly.

I sympathize that since childhood you do not like being touched, you rarely show it, and now you can no longer restrain yourself. Tension comes out in the most natural way - in the form of irritation.

Usually, to the touch of strangers or unpleasant people, many have a reaction of war, as if it were a violation of their borders. I wonder how this relates to relationships in your family. I am glad for your son, that in your relationship with him everything is all right.

From your letter, Ekaterina, it is not very clear, unfortunately, what you want from psychologists. The direct question that is indicated: tell me how to name the state. I say it is disgust.

Further, the strategy of actions of your choice: to know about your disgust and recognize it as an immutable fact; know, reconcile and endure further; know and try to overcome; find and eliminate the cause; completely change the response to touch in the present.

You decide this depending on what you want. The psychologist usually responds to your need and helps you to satisfy it.

Respectfully yours, Larissa.

Hello Ekaterina! The good news in your situation is that this does not affect your son in any way. Perhaps you are not mistaken about the fact that the roots go back to childhood, but I do not exclude that you need to look for other reasons. You need a face-to-face consultation, during which I will find the origins of the problem and the ways to find peace of mind for you and your loved ones.

Best regards, Inna.

Dzhumanova Zhanat Salmenovna

Considering your intolerance to emotional manifestations from the people around you and tactile touches, as well as restraint in feelings, I can assume that your aspirations are aimed at maintaining independence and self-satisfaction. Therefore, you try to distance yourself from other people, do not allow you to come closer to yourself. It is also possible that the "difficulties" that have arisen in relations with your husband are due to your stress in front of duties, dependence and limitations of your personality, therefore, detachment, distance, restraint may appear in your behavior. In some cases, it is difficult to eliminate the "gaps" in the relationship on your own; it is more effective to do this accompanied by a psychologist.

Julia is 25 years old, she has many friends, she goes on dates, loves to dance. She gives the impression of a person who gets along with herself. Except for one: Julia cannot stand friendly hugs, other people's hands on her shoulder. “I can't stand someone else's touch. I just cringe, and sometimes I even start to choke when someone unexpectedly touches me - it's worse than being naked in public, ”she writes. Why is she so annoyed with ordinary gestures that the other person would not pay attention to?

The body retains invisible traces of our past. Often, those who are afraid of other people's touch, in childhood, had a difficult tactile relationship with their parents, especially with the mother. This connection is best revealed by psychoanalysis: in the process of work it often turns out that the mother was too obsessively squeezing the child or, conversely, rarely hugged or caressed him.

If you carefully observe yourself, it may turn out that intolerance to touch is not of a general nature, but is directed at very specific people. And often on the one who is most attracted and arouses the desire for intimacy. Perhaps there is a negative belief behind this: sex is always filth and danger. It is also learned from parents and turns any touch into an indecent hint, almost an attempt, which must be resisted. In each case, there is a reason for rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person's desire to forget about the painful sensations he has experienced.

"Hands remember!" - we say when we remember some forgotten skill. We intuitively know that the body retains a memory of many of our past experiences. And we can describe our life in bodily images: “I was then very thin and weak”, “This scar is from those times when I fought all the time - then I could beat anyone”, “Grandma said that I had my father’s hands” ... Protecting ourselves from other people's touches, our body seems to be hiding - from others and from ourselves - something unpleasant from the past. Sometimes a person may even have imaginary skin diseases or some other psychosomatic manifestations, so long as he is not touched - in the literal and figurative sense.

Of our five senses, only touch is mutual: not only we touch the other, but he also touches us. “If in a conversation someone starts touching me too often,” says 43-year-old Tatiana, “it immediately seems to me that he allows himself too much, almost disposes of me as property. This is annoying. I can't stand someone else's touch. " Many find it difficult to draw boundaries between themselves and others: they either survive the invasion or they themselves attack. Such people do not feel protected either physically or psychologically. And instead of contacting the outside world, they defend themselves against it. These animals need external protective equipment to survive: shell, needles, claws. And a person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his "I", of himself as an integral personality, which has meaning and the right to live among other people. And this protection makes us invulnerable to any intrusion, which means it saves us from painful experiences and the need to defend ourselves.

What if I can't stand someone else's touch

1. Explore the reasons. Recall which touch is the most annoying for you, and ask the person you trust to gently touch you that way. Listen to the feelings and associations that arise in you and mentally move back into the past. At some point, a forgotten memory will come - at first glance not associated with touch, but capable of suggesting where the unpleasant experiences began.

2. Analyze the situation. What exactly is unpleasant for you in this touch? In what other situation or with another person, the same touch was more acceptable to you. Thinking like that will allay anxiety.

3. Touch yourself. Learn to feel the pleasure of your own touch. Every evening, lubricate with cream and massage hands, feet, use gentle body milk. It will relieve daytime stress as well as provide a pleasant and safe touch experience.

4. Strengthen your internal defenses. Feel where exactly in the body you feel your "I". Place your hand on this spot. Describe the image that has arisen: is there light, space, form. What does it look like? Maybe it's a bonfire or a source. This will be your individual self-image. If you do this exercise for seconds once a week, you will notice how the image gradually changes and takes a different place. This feeling of your “I”, that inner protection, will turn on itself at the right moments and support you.

“I can't stand someone else's touch. As a child, I hated to be patted on the cheek, pressed to me. I "escaped" from adults, dodging their hands. I really began to suffer from physical contact at the age of 16. I blushed a lot when they just approached me - it didn't matter whether a stranger or a friend. I got eczema. Working with a psychoanalyst, I realized that the problem was in my confrontation with my mother: she tried to possess me completely, and I resisted this. To the point that she turned her skin into a shell so that I would not be touched. Fortunately, now I have dealt with it. Anastasia Patapchikova ".

Haptophobia - fear of touch

Sometimes we do not even suspect that things that are familiar to most people cause panic horror in many. One of the most incomprehensible phobias for others is the fear of touch, or as it is also called haptophobia. The essence of haptophobia lies in the unwillingness to contact strangers, which manifests itself in the fear of other people's touch.

Haptophobia or afephobia is manifested by an increased sense of the boundaries of personal space. Each person has their own yardsticks for delineating the boundaries between personal and public space, but for haptophobes, these boundaries are too blurred. Living in a metropolis, it is impossible to completely protect yourself from contact with strangers: traveling by public transport, visiting museums, theaters, shops is impossible to imagine without close contact with other members of society.

At the moment when a stranger "penetrates" into personal territory, people suffering from aphobia experience uncontrollable feelings of fear and disgust. Many people confuse phobia with ordinary disgust, and this is not entirely true. Sometimes only a specialist can help get rid of the fear of touch. If you do not seek medical help in a timely manner, a person closes in on himself and cannot get out of this state on his own.

Causes

Experts say that fear of touch can be influenced by internal or external factors.

Internal factors include:

Character traits. Many people, due to their personal characteristics, do not like it when strangers invade their inner world.
Increased disgust can become the cause of haptophobia.
Racist beliefs. Some people are afraid of being touched by members of other nationalities.
In women, it is often caused by the fear of touching males.

External factors of the appearance of a fear of touching strangers include:

Chronic diseases of the central nervous system. People suffering from psychosis and neuroses do not tolerate interference in their personal space.
Physical or sexual abuse experienced in childhood or adolescence. According to statistics, boys who have been abused by pedophiles are more likely to suffer psychological trauma, and in adulthood they experience afephobia.
Mentally retarded people do not like to be touched by strangers and begin to react aggressively to it.
Haptophobia is common in people with anankastic disorder.
Haptophobia can occur in young people during puberty. The guy is afraid that if a girl touches him, others will notice his sexual arousal.

The specifics of the work also leaves an imprint on the relationship of an individual in society. For example, dermatologists, who, due to the nature of their work, face various skin diseases on a daily basis, cannot tolerate the touch of strangers on their skin.

Symptoms

It is impossible to imagine the life of a big city without travel by public transport. If an ordinary person does not pay attention to the accidental touch of a neighboring passenger, then the haptophobe will survive a storm of emotions in a few seconds:

The haptophobe shivers, the pulse quickens, and nausea may appear.
The patient begins to breathe intermittently, there is a lack of oxygen. The resulting dizziness can cause fainting.
The haptophobe wants to immediately wash or wipe the place that was touched by a stranger with an alcohol napkin.
Depending on personality traits, someone else's touch can burn or resemble a piece of ice that touches naked skin. The body instantly becomes covered with goosebumps, and squeamish facial expressions make it clear to others how unpleasant it was for a person.

In order not to offend loved ones, haptophobes try not to show how unpleasant it is for them to invade their personal space. They endure kisses and hugs from relatives, while experiencing only negative feelings. Some, on the contrary, defiantly wipe their hands with a napkin after shaking hands, thereby showing how unpleasant it was for them. As practice shows, the fear of touching the surrounding people leaves a serious imprint on the haptophobe's lifestyle. Problems at work and in personal life make the character of such a person withdrawn, difficult to communicate. Aphobia can be the result of other phobias: fear of sexual harassment or fear of contracting an infectious disease.

How to get rid of your fear of touch

Recognizing haptophobia as a disease is already the first step towards recovery. If it is impossible to cope with such an ailment on your own, then it's time to seek help from a psychotherapist. The doctor prescribes the treatment of the disease based on the individual characteristics of the patient. During the conversation, the specialist should determine the main cause of the fear of touch. For some, it is enough to get rid of unpleasant memories, and being in a cramped room with a large number of people no longer seems to be a big problem. In cases of serious psychological abnormalities, treatment is carried out with antidepressants and other medications.

In psychology, there are several methods of how to overcome this or that fear. To get rid of the fear of interference in personal space, doctors prescribe yoga classes or pair dances to their patients. Regular practice, which is a real punishment at the very beginning, over time begins to bring pleasure. Patients who can control their emotions may be scheduled to travel by bus during rush hour. Such "shock" treatment sometimes brings the desired result in a short time. But it is worth repeating that this therapy is only suitable for those people who are able to contain their panic and not fall into an uncontrollable state.

When experiencing this or that phobia, you should not shut yourself in and put an end to your personal life. Each person is individual, and there is nothing wrong if the fear of touch turns into a disease. Like any psychological problem, haptophobia can disappear from life forever after regular sessions with a psychotherapist. In everyday life, such a concept as "comfort zone", that is, the personal space of an individual, is becoming widespread. Violation of the boundaries of this space infuriates many and sometimes a person cannot cope with such a state on their own. A competent specialist will select an individual method of getting rid of a phobia, and following all the doctor's recommendations will help to heal a full life.

Invisible footprints

The past is locked

Border control

A person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his "I", himself as an integral personality

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touch, as long as it is pleasing to both.

What to do?

1. Explore the reasons

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you in this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Reflecting in this way will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

4. Strengthen your internal defenses

About the expert

Psychotherapist, social psychologist, director of the psychological center of the Victoria charity foundation.

Invisible footprints

The past is locked

Border control

A person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his "I", himself as an integral personality

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touch, as long as it is pleasing to both.

What to do?

1. Explore the reasons

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you in this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Reflecting in this way will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

4. Strengthen your internal defenses

About the expert

Psychotherapist, social psychologist, director of the psychological center of the Victoria charity foundation.