The most hilarious stories to tears from life. Real life stories, funny to tears

The daughter is going to paint. At the top of the sheet writes the title of the painting: FUN WITH HUSBAND.
I'm shocked. Everything turned out to be simple: she draws the princess Fun from the cartoon "The Flying Ship", and her husband :)

The driver of the route "Pazik", without looking, spat out the window and hit the glass of a super-toned, sophisticated jeep passing by. He began to honk indignantly, t * buoy to stop for satisfaction ... Five stops passed without stopping. All the passengers quieted down with interest and understanding: it is not every day that you see how they spit in the face of the jeep ... At the sixth stop, the contents of the jeep cooled down and turned onto another road.
One of the passengers exiting congratulated the nervously smoking driver on his second birthday, perhaps prematurely.

Estonia is a predominantly Lutheran country, so Christmas is celebrated here in Western style, and Russian speakers are also Orthodox. Before Christmas, children - both Estonian and Russian-speaking - put slippers or a special boot for gifts on the windowsill, and a local Christmas old man (an analogue of Santa Claus), accompanied by gnomes, gives the gnomes the task of delivering gifts to children while they sleep.
The story took place in the early 90s. Then even children up to 10 years old believed in gnomes. Now at the age of 4 they are checking who brings gifts. In those days, sweets were tight, and money too, and one mom, for lack of goodies, put a rag gnome to her little son.
In the morning, the family woke up, and the child went to check the slippers, a second later he flies into the bedroom and shouts: Mom, go look - the gnome is dead there. ... ...

One of my friends got up well and decided to transfer the child to a cool kindergarten. Well, there is a type of special technique, then syo. Price from this educational center "Joy" killed him. Completely. The prices are not childish at all.
He says it's cheaper to go to university to study in England, but the kid is only 4 years old ... They won't take him.
The wife went on exploration. She was allowed to see how everything inside looks like. Clean, pretty. Almost the entire group is building something with the help of the teacher. Quite a complex structure and for some reason they brought the doll.
I asked the kid what I rode on a bike, they say, what we are building.
It turns out, the gallows for the teacher.

We decided to leave the child in an ordinary kindergarten.

The enraged head of the family rushes home and swears terribly.
- What's happened? - the wife asks frightenedly.
- Imagine, - my father confusedly explains, - I am calmly climbing the stairs home, when suddenly a neighbor rushes at me with fists. Always calm, intelligent, but here he seemed to be loose. Before I knew it, he punched me in the ear! Can you imagine my ear? ! For what? ! - I just had time to shout, and he: “Ask your son! "- and sniffed out the door, and the door to the lock ...
- Well, tell me, brat, - the father says to his son, - what have you done again?
The son, knowing the harsh nature of his father and the consequences of silence, begins to reluctantly explain:
- Nothing special. It's just that Vaska, his son and I, wanted to inflate balloons in their apartment ...
- What kind of balls? - the father is perplexed
“I took them from your bedroom. They were in packs. There were three packs in total
…
- My God! - the wife with tears turns to her husband, - Forgive me, dear, but I thought that you began to cheat on me ... Remember, a month ago you bought three packs. He said that this is a gift for me ... And suddenly yesterday they disappeared. Forgive me, fool, for stupid jealousy! - and she roared louder ...
- Shut up, you fool - you will pass for clever! - barked the father. To my son:
- Go on, brat ...
- Why continue something. I wanted to inflate these balloons at home, but I didn't succeed. I only let my drool and snot go there ... Then I went with them to Vaska. He always puffs up soccer balls with his mouth and can even pump up bicycles ...
- Well, and then what happened7 - my father can't stand it, - tell me about the balls!
- What's next? I come to Vaska. The elastic bands in the fist are clenched. His mother meets me and immediately invites me to go to the kitchen to drink tea. What could I do? I slipped these rubber bands into the pocket of some fur coat that was hanging on a hanger in the hallway. I went into their kitchen, and there Vaska was already sitting at the table with his father. The father got up at once and said that he would go to smoke in the hallway. Vaska's mother poured me some tea. Then she thought, remembering something, and then said joyfully:
- Boys, I bought gorgeous sweets today! Now I will treat you. Father, - she shouts, - get sweets from the pocket of your fur coat and bring them here.
Vaska was delighted and I'm also waiting ... Suddenly from the hallway there was some kind of animal roar. Then Vaska's father bursts into the kitchen, and in his hands these same ones ... and hang between his fingers. And Vaska's father jumps up to his mother, pokes rubber bands in her face and asks in a low voice:
- Speak, bitch, whose sweets are these? !
Mother, of course, goggled her eyes and not a word! And Vaska also goggled and not a word either. There was a deathly silence. Then I broke down and told the truth:
- They belong to my dad!
Vaska's father looked at me with such a look ... I immediately realized that it was time to get off. Vaska and I jumped out and went to kick the ball. That's the whole story ...

My former boss was a festering pi "" "th, and in the most perverted form of this x" "" th word. He never did anything at the firm - he only milked everyone and everything. He loved to bring our secretaries and accountant to tears, whom he simply pecked with petty quibbles with purely sadistic pleasure. I still have nightmares of his arrogant arrogant e "Alo. He worked daily in the financial center, went to the sun baths, was always dressed in the latest fashion and simply adored various kinds of gadgets.

Although at the firm, he, of course, never decided anything. I discussed all any significant problems through his head with his father. This fact wounded my boss very much and he constantly puffed up to convince everyone and everything that he was the navel of the earth around which our Galaxy revolves. In short, he was a forty-year-old major under the wing of rich daddy, who did not understand anything about the affairs of the company he seemed to be running, or about life in general.

And in the spring of 2008 we are going with him on a business trip to Germany in Kaiserslautern. The secretary was ordered to order us the fastest car at the Frankfurt airport rental, so that "with a breeze on the freeways!" And everyone is also announcing plans to buy a super-duper high-precision Swiss mechanical Breitling tourbillon watch in Germany. This means that they went even more accurately. The clock has already been found on the Internet, the owner of the store will be waiting for us. The cost is 115 tons of euros. Everything is in complete gasp.

We arrive in Germany, go to Sixt, where they rent cars and get the Porsche Carrera ordered by the secretary. We go to the car - and we see that our suitcases do not fit into its miniature trunk! We go down again and ask for a bigger car, but also a high-speed one. And we get a BMW 7 with a navigator.

We set the address in the navigator - and we arrive at the store, where Breitling is already waiting for us. The owner of the store got in advance and provided us with a Jewish seller who spoke Russian very well. He was simply afraid that my boss would discount too much for the hours to forgive. But it was not there. As soon as he saw the clock, the chef immediately took out an envelope and laid 230 five hundred euro bills on the table. After adjusting the strap to the arm of the chief, he put them on right in the store and we, having said goodbye to the happy owner, went out into the street.

“Now let's drive! "The chef told me! I asked the hotel address in the navigator - and off we went.

In Germany, in general, there are almost no speed limits on motorways, but you still don't drive very much. There are too many cars. Many trucks are barely moving. It’s even worse when one truck starts to overtake another and everyone follows them 80 km / h half a kilometer ... In short, the chef used up all the shit until we drove away from Frankfurt and became more spacious.

Well, he presses on the gas - and the speed is 200, 220, 250 ... It's already scary from habit ... The chief grabbed the steering wheel and further presses on the gas ... 270, 280. That's it. The gas is already up to the stop. The car does not go any faster. And the road is as smooth as an arrow and there is almost no one on it. We were driving at maximum speed and then we saw that one truck ahead of us began to overtake another. The chef starts honking desperately, the brake is squeezed out to the very asphalt under the terrible mats. We trail for a long, long time after the truck, which still cannot overtake ... And the truck begins to slowly leave to the right, yielding to us the left lane. The chief gasps, opens the window, sticks out his hand and shows the truck driver the fact. No, FAK or even FFFFAAAKKK. And he not only showed the fact, but also twitched his hand intensely, showing how he would fuck this driver, such and such. And he honked again. And further. Such a sound signal from BMW ...

And at this moment the brand new Breitling flies from his hand. I turn around and see the clock falling behind our car. Not only did I see, but the truck driver saw it too. He took a sharp left - and rode through the clock with all the tires on the left side of his truck. And the howler turned on tutututuuuuuuu! And he pulled his hand out of the window. But he showed the fact carefully. He didn’t shake his hand very much ... And then you never know what ...

He: - You are so beautiful! I would like to paint your portrait.
She: - Are you an artist?
“No,” he answered honestly. - But, believe me, at this moment I would like to be.
The woman laughed, and ... As a result, their laughter brought them closer ...

"Plato is my friend but the truth is dearer…"
Truth is just what is considered true at a given moment in time, which means that truth is a function of time. Remember Newton's laws of motion, and Einstein's laws, when Newton's laws of motion turned out to be a special case of Einstein's laws. So at the next moment in time, the truth will be different, and you will already lose a friend. Choose whichever is more expensive ...

That was a long time ago. I am walking with my daughter (she was 5 years old), a man is walking in front of us.
- Dad, did your uncle go to get married?
- Why did you decide this?
- So he has candy and wine!
He looked at the man - indeed, he was getting married: in his hands - a box of chocolates and a bottle of vodka!

The one that ignites my soul, leaves my brain and body indifferent.
The one that explodes my brain, my body and soul do not notice.
The one that excites my body does not ignite my soul and brain.
But ... the body still cherishes a secret thought:
- Damn, well, when these two fastidious get drunk, and I'll finally fuck her!

During the Gorbachev anti-alcohol campaign (who does not know - then even weddings were "non-alcoholic": vodka was poured into bottles from under mineral water so that no one would guess that this song was about love) employees came to the head of a small organization and asked if it was possible after work, organize a feast on the occasion of the holiday. The chief said sternly:
- No.
And when the gloomy employees reached for the exit, he added.
"But when you've set the tables, don't forget to invite me too."
As the saying goes, "if you can't, but you really want to, then you can." The boss was a wise one, he understood that secretaries general were running out, but vodka never ...

A colleague told the following story.
The grandmother died first, and a few years later the grandfather, dying, said:
- Don't bury me next to my grandmother! Only at the other end of the cemetery.
How did she, apparently, get him, if even death did not part them ...

One:
- Honestly, this is already lawlessness (the conversation was about the police) ...
Another:
- Why are you surprised? It is beneficial for the people to be afraid of someone ... No reprisals are needed, no thirty-seventh year ... to be found on the street with a broken head ... from an unknown hooligan ...
I AM:
- Does each time have its own methods of influencing the people?
To be honest, I didn’t say that, I just thought, I didn’t get involved in the discussion - strangers probably got cold feet, after all ... apparently fear remained in the gene memory. Or is it just that the recently read phrase of Mark Twain is fresh in my memory “By the grace of God in our country there are such invaluable benefits as freedom of speech, freedom of conscience and prudence never to use these benefits” ...
By the way, about gene memory, how it is passed on to the next generation: an acquaintance said that during the Khrushchev thaw, his mother strictly ordered him, then a six-year-old child, in no case in the toilet not to use a newspaper with a portrait of the new secretary general (for the younger generation explanation - there was no toilet paper then, and everyone used newspapers for this purpose - at least some benefit from them ...)

Type of excursion. On the bus across from me is a middle-aged couple. He is silent. She - without interruption:
- Oh, San, look what a beautiful house. Would you like the same?
- Oh, Sanya, look, what a beautiful car! Probably dear.
- Oh, San, what a dirty dog! Probably homeless ...
- Oh, San, what a tall tree! Probably old ...
- Oh, San, look, the truck fell into a ditch! The driver must have fallen asleep ...
As a Chukchi - what I see is what I sing! What is interesting - the peasant doesn't care what she talks about ... Idyll!

A young woman in a white bikini is standing in a swimwear shop. A middle-aged woman enters with a seventeen-eighteen-year-old daughter. Daughter, looking enviously at a woman in a white bikini:
- Mom-ah-ah, I want the same bath-and-hic!
Mom turns, scrutinizes the young woman and briefly says to her daughter:
- This is not a swimsuit!

A young, and, apparently, poorly educated woman at a party, that is, in the presence of many people, in response to her husband's remark in a general conversation, threw in his direction: “You have always been an idiot!”
The guy left in shame, almost slamming the door. As it turned out later, she wanted to say that he was always critical of everything ... That is, she wanted to tell him - you have always been a CRITIC. And even then, after he showed her the meanings of these words in the explanatory dictionary. Well, okay, she explained to him what she wanted to say and who would explain to the rest of the guests. Did she catch them one at a time and provide them with a written rebuttal?

Pages:

I went to take out the trash. I think I'll wait a minute.
A neighbor comes out, silently lights a cigarette, stood with him in complete silence.
He throws the cigarette butt and says: - That's it, Andryukha, garbage!

Almost all more or less educated people know about the "placebo" effect, and fortunately, not all of the uneducated ... breathless, and the stomach hurts, and the head - in short, everything hurts, including the prosthesis on the right leg) seventy-year-old relative. Endless phone complaints every night. The husband of my acquaintance was so tired of hearing these complaints from a completely healthy-looking relative of his wife who did not look seventy that he went to the pharmacy, bought ordinary calcium glucanate, put it in a bottle with an inscription in a language other than ours, downloaded the instructions for the laxative on the Internet. in the same language, put the bottle and this instruction in a colorful box with the inscription in the same overseas language, photographed the packaging, and showed the photo to his father-in-law, saying that this new experimental miracle drug costs a lot of money (731 dollars, which is 28 thousand 509 rubles per pack - and this is four father-in-law's pensions), and that this medicine can be found so far only in Europe, in Germany, where a work colleague is now on a business trip, and he will buy it and bring it in ten days, the money has already been transferred to him the card, the money does not need to be returned to the father-in-law - this is a gift.
All these ten days, the father-in-law asked when, finally, they would bring these miracle pills, without which he dies. In short, my father-in-law drank 20 tablets of harmless calcium glucanate and became like a young boy: nothing hurts, my heart does not ache, my pulse does not jump, my breath does not catch. At his summer cottage he works like a tractor - you can't keep up. By the way, he has education, four classes and a corridor with an average mark in the certificate of two with a plus.
And then a friend of about forty-five years old fell ill with my wife - the symptoms are the same - it hurts all the time. And the same endless complaints every night on the phone. I take and advise to carry out the same operation "placebo" for the urgent cure of a friend.
A-ha! the wrong one was attacked! This friend - she is with a higher education - was not baked and not made with a finger - sat down at the dictionary and translated the instructions! What happened to her! In short, the whole placebo effect is down the drain. And his wife - repeatedly expressed grievances for a strange joke.
Moral - if you want to be cured, do not show off your higher education, but believe - and get well. A seventy-year-old student has been cured!
By the way, the drug Obecalp appeared in American pharmacies a few years ago (Placebo is the opposite). Apparently, the "placebo" affects the bourgeois too ... Also, apparently, they did not study well at school ...

Got into an accident. An eagle in a jeep flew into us, turned us around and threw us into the oncoming lane. boro.da33.ru
Everyone is alive (oddly enough), but the car cannot be restored.
Usually in such situations they shout: - Oh May year, oh May year!
And our Lyokha, after 10 seconds of silence, said in a calm tone: Bl @ t, the cigarette flew away somewhere ... the last one was.

We are sitting in a male company over a cup of tea. The conversation, as always, smoothly turned to women.
One says: - Damn, only money is required: massage, fitness, hair, build nails, solarium, shopping ... I don't follow the car as much as she does herself ...
- If your wife suddenly began to take care of herself, then you should watch your wife, - I said, and bit my sharp tongue ... because he recently changed his car and his wife ... in this sequence ... and both are new models ... one dear, the other is young ...
The man somehow looked at me thoughtfully ... and after five minutes he was suddenly getting ready to go home.
He joked, it's called ... spoiled another's mood ... maybe she is not only young, but also faithful ...

The admin arrives, looks at the server, and asks:
- Here was the server, where is it?
- Which server?
- Here was the server, where is it?
- Ah, there was a computer here, no one was working behind it, well, we sent it to an orphanage.

Pages: 8

"Dude, how do you even live in Moscow ?! I ran down the street here with everyone
forces, and everyone walked faster than me ... "

Spring, the girls are blooming. Run as usual in the lobby
"Kievskaya-filevskaya" in the direction of the escalator to Koltsevaya. Front
a beautiful girl froze into the floor with a comb: powerful, like a sleek mare,
body, wheat, thick into my hand, a scythe flowing below the cast
hemispheres, chintz sarafan and post-war style handbag ...
While I was wondering which side to go around this model of the sculptor
Mukhina, a granny-with-a-cart fluttered from behind my back (always
wondered what strength wears them faster than a healthy 40-year-old uncle) and
stuck to the maiden, they say, daughter, is it not bad for you, maybe
validolchik?
The young lady, with great difficulty tearing her glass gaze away from the
feet into the terrible depths of the steps, looked pitifully at grandmother and,
stretching out the words, she said in a lazy chesty bass:
- Babanya ... I'm Boyusa ...
Rescued in the end the girl. I held the cart, and granny is elusive, but
with a precise movement forced the beauty to step on the miracle staircase.

Russia is still alive, ah! :)

I am driving recently in a minibus, weekday evening, everyone is tired, traffic jams. Then a young mother comes in with a son of 4-6 years old, they give way to her, she sits down, the son perches on his knees. Here they go one, two, three stops, the boy examines everything around - the upholstery of the chairs, the shop windows sweeping outside the window, the tired faces of fellow travelers, his mother's bag ... But the space of the minibus is limited, and he repeats his "route" - chairs, passengers, a window , then he raises his eyes to her mother, looks into her eyes and, in a completely calm, I would even say, businesslike tone, says:
- So, mom, I'm going to start whining.

During the summer I went to the dacha past an abandoned construction site.

There, homeless people smashed old concrete slabs and took out reinforcement from there. Iron costs 6-8 rubles per kg. It's just a hell of a job for a penny. With such labor costs, you can earn much more. But they gradually dismantled the whole abandoned foundation of the structure 50 by 30 meters. What drives them? Free schedule or no tax deductions?

Talking on the phone:
“We need two girls for the evening, only beautiful ones, for 3 hours, how much will it cost for an hour? Yes, in suits, just like last time. Those who were there that week are not needed, they are somehow modest, but they need to be actively given. If they give it well, we will throw it on top. And certainly over 18, but not old or fat. In heels, of course. We will feed and water, of course. Payment immediately. Just throw off the photo first. We agreed with the guards, everything is in order. "

So our marketer orders promoters for an urgent action, walking along the corridor of the business center.

I have been lusting since childhood. Everyone and always made fun of it - in kindergarten, classmates, classmates, girlfriends, parents, colleagues ...
I endured everything stoically. But when the letter "P" started to appear on my computer, I realized all the injustice of this world.

Since the beginning of the week, the hot water has been turned off. In view of my great laziness, I vpadlu bother with crutches and heating water. And today, I once again climbed into the bathroom and tried to wash myself in cold water. I drench myself with water and scream, puffing and grunting in parallel. I hear a neighbor’s voice from the lower floor: “You hear a man washing himself in cold water and not dying.

Bastard cat

I have a cat that reached puberty and a cat was delivered to her. And the cat, although very preoccupied with sex, is still a virgin and does not know what to do with an equally virgin friend. Either it will fit across it and twitch, then it strives to climb on its head (probably a Frenchman ...). He is so dissatisfied with the results of his attempts that their number has become minimal.

Here I am cleaning the room, and this couple finally reached some consensus and merged in ecstasy. I carry an armful of clothes and a belt stretches from this armful across the floor. Seeing this, the cat suddenly stops its honorable occupation and runs to play with the belt. The cat was SO surprised by the escape of the gentleman that for the first time in my life I saw a really stunned look in an animal. Also, I suppose, I thought, what kind of bastards guys are ...

A cat named Aurore from friends began to mark under the table in the kitchen. And the cat is beloved, smart, offending - no way. We bought a bottle of stench. They poured it in the kitchen, it helped. When the balloon ran out, as a warning, Aurora was left empty under the table. It was since then, when the clever cat considered himself to be offended by something, he came into the kitchen, yelled at the balloon, pounded it with his paw and made a puddle in this place. There you are..!

Here, once again I came home late after another "work day".
I asked my wife how her affairs were at work.
And I heard an enchanting phrase, completely in tune with my thoughts:
- Dear, if I tell you about all my today's problems, and then you tell me about yours, then we will go to bed no earlier than three in the morning.

Love her.

Once I met on the street with a friend. And he is just in the church several
I collected containers of holy water. We are sitting on a bench, talking. Summer, heat
we drink some water on the sly. Just about to leave, comes to us
bukharik.
- Are you Russian people?
- And then !!!
- Maybe then for pivasik?
- No, they just drank a liter of holy water. We just have nowhere to go.

You should have seen his face !!! But it was clear that he did not believe us.

I went to my Spanish bank to resolve any issues with my manager. Well, what kind of SMS messages to send (this is not done through Internet banking, only with a manager), what credit cards to close (there is no point in using them in Spain) - in general, the usual turnover. We spoke for about twenty minutes in Spanish: I was in shock, I never even looked into the dictionary (s).

We decided everything, we did everything, we say goodbye. The man stands up, shakes my hand and speaks Spanish quite seriously: “Alex, I’ve even begun to understand your Russian”.

P.S. I immediately recall an old anecdote about a Parisian store, where a sign hung: "Here they understand the French language that you learned at school."

I was told this story. I believe the narrator, while he is almost a participant. A new employee came to his organization. A rather young man who quit his job in the army due to redundancy. It is not known where he served there, but in earnest he began to master the computer already at this job. According to the narrator, he was a smart man and learned everything quickly. Once he showed him the ability to view a photo of streets and specific houses. But, apparently, it would be better if he did not know this. It soon became known that he was divorcing his wife. It seems to be caught in treason. After everything had taken place, he himself told his teacher that the reason was the computer, specifically "Yandex". Examining the photographs around his house, he saw a colleague standing in front of him with his wife at the entrance. He once had something to do with his long business trip, where he stayed for more than two months.

The serious reason

I vouch for the truthfulness.

Somehow, out of drunkenness, the father-in-law, the director of the plant, told an absolutely terrible story. A worker comes to the chief engineer and asks to let him go home. He naturally asks about the reason. The worker hesitates, squeezes and says that it is very necessary. The engineer man is not evil, so he answers: "I will let you go, but I need to indicate the reason for the absence in the documents." He: "I chopped off my finger with pneumoscisers."

The engineer almost died on the spot - an industrial accident. In short, an ambulance, naughty to heaven, etc. When the man was discharged, the labor protection commission arrived at the plant. The equipment works fine - you need to press two buttons at the same time for the scissors to work, so there are no free hands. They ask to show how he managed to be crippled. He calmly props up one button with a stick (it's quite common), lays down a sheet of metal and Cuts off the SECOND FINGER.

Then he swore that it was accidental, but the commission, having regained consciousness, closed the case.

Once we were driving to the dacha, it was light. Traveled in a traffic jam. The car, which was driving in front, did not work. In the back seat were two guys who, at the right moment, picked up a piece of cardboard with the words "BRAKE" written on it. :)

At the beginning of the century, among the "golden youth", there was a fashion at nights on daddy's Mercedes and Beamers to stray into the coats and smear rubber on the asphalt of deserted squares and terminal stops. Compared to masterful cinematic drifting, translating daddy's tires in front of chicks looked pathetic and very childish, but self-criticism was never the strong point of the majors.

Yesterday I am going from the last metro train in the direction of my wilderness. Absolutely empty street, bus turning area. On it ... I would like to say - silently, but no, of course - with a roar and sighs of brakes, the KAMAZ-sprinkler is dancing. Not a soul around, only two powerful fountains of water (both watering cans are raised vertically) sparkle with diamonds in the yellow light of lanterns, which sometimes break through clouds of diesel smoke. My uncle is dancing masterly, I somehow even imagined an invisible partner, whom he leads under the waterfalls of his rain. (Kamazihu, yeah ...)

I stood and looked for about five minutes, probably. He lit a cigarette. Seeing the light of the lighter and me, the driver somehow faded, plunged into a dull real. I got out of the cab, flipped the watering cans down and popped to clean the street ...

There were no tire marks on the asphalt. He glided over the water.
(Not mine. Found on the internet)

FREUDIAN SLIP
In the car dealership there is a citizen, his appearance is already quite ordinary for Moscow time - even now on the poster of an extremist organization banned in the Russian Federation. Nearby is the spouse wrapped in a rug. People are pushing near a budget standard foreign car. Asks the manager - Does she have this, SELF-PODRYV? As it turned out, it was about the remote start of the engine.

WHERE DOES THE LIPPER TRACE LEAD ...
On Saturday night, when my wife came home from work, she found traces of lipstick on her cup.
Asks me a question:
- Were there guests?
- No, - I say, - there was nobody.
- I don’t use that lipstick ...
Word for word. Scandal and accusations of all deadly sins.
The next day, after thorough inquiries, it turned out that the nine-year-old daughter had found her mother’s lipstick, bought long ago and now safely forgotten, and drank tea from her mother’s mug.

I remember this day. October 1, 1990. Mom gave me a ticket to the Crimea, and all September we with boys from all over our huge homeland tumbled into the sea. Everyone spoke Russian, even Vitalik Tsitsialashvilli from Navoi. Evpatoria, the sun, did you know how? Breakfast, second breakfast, afternoon tea, lunch, dinner, dinner. Every morning we went out in white shirts and pioneer ties to the formation. The most distinguished one raised the banner to the anthem. It was wonderful! And then that day came ... October 1 ... We were awakened by the pioneers at about 12 o'clock at night. Drunk. And they said that there was no need to go to the line tomorrow, the pioneers were gone. I was twelve, I thought more about the death of Tsoi than about the beginning of the end of a huge country. And that these guys from Kazakhstan or Georgia, who are next to me, will become foreigners in a year ... The next morning we came. On the ruler. In white shirts and red ties. They stood in silence for ten minutes. But the counselors never came out, and no one raised the banner.

I temporarily live in Moscow and I had to take a taxi at night. I caught a private trader, drove a kilometer at most, asking for the price. He says: "1,700 rubles." Well, I am naturally fucking!
I tell him:
- It's easier for me to throw you ...
And ... woke up.
P.S. I lie, laughing: I threw him well!

Quite a long time ago, it is possible and now there is such, but I have not seen it for a long time. I am going in a taxi, there is a huge puddle in front of me. Along the puddle stands punks, in boots and jackets. The taxi driver is accelerating. I told him:
- You, damn it, are splashing children now!
- Yes, they are standing here on purpose, waiting to be sprayed. They have, like, a game like that. This is not the first time I have passed here.
We pass a puddle at speed, spray like from a cannon. I look back. Judging by the behavior, no one is upset. I remembered my childhood: puddles, homemade rafts, "recruited" boots, dirty water ...
Now I’m thinking: maybe it’s really better, and not like now - sitting in front of a monitor on the internet?

I can’t vouch for the accuracy of the story, said her brother from the words of his friends.
They decided to visit a new-fashioned water park in the neighboring area. They hammered his address into the navigator and drove off. When the navigator lady reported "You have arrived at your destination," the friends looked around in confusion. There were only private buildings around.
When a passerby asked "Where is the water park here?"

Female ...
A traffic cop stops me.
- "Lieutenant so and so. Why not buckled up?"
- "Yes, I, mister policeman, just - just unfastened - to fix the balls."
A storm of emotions flashed through the officer's face, the rights fell out of the hands of the body bent in half, which, going into a fit of hysterical laughter, trying to show, they say, go faster.
For a long time I sincerely wondered why everyone is laughing at this story, but I really straightened the eggs lying in the back seat ...

After moving to Germany, many immigrants from Kazakhstan left many good friends from their work colleagues in their former homeland. My cousin and his wife have been helping their good friends for several years with money and parcels, keeping them alive. Imagine his surprise, rather even shock, when friends called and said that they were going to Germany to visit in order to buy a Mercedes car. The car was supposed to be no more than 5 years old and then still cost from 5 to 7 thousand marks.

An uncle came to other relatives with a list of things that he wanted to buy in Germany, and opposite each item was the name of the relative who had to pay for the purchase.

At the Frankfurt airport, the nephew of the daughter-in-law from Kazakhstan was met. He walked with a small plastic bag in his hand, which contained one toothbrush. It was all his luggage, which he took with him, and went to visit for a whole month, he did not even take his underpants with him.

I have a friend, a whimsical guy and frostbitten at all 100 - preamble.

We are driving in my car around Kharkov looking for a house with a specific number, and we are driving along the Poltava Way (who knows, he will understand) after the bridge there are cops, I think I will park and ask where the house number is ... to the side and further down the street on the mobile, actively flutter ... well, I opened the passenger window and through Drylya I ask like Where is this street where is this house ... he is trying to explain something there, but moves out, that the scary knows better ... the one who on the phone p ... dit ... we get to him and I do not have time to ask, so my friend gives out the window - I hear the captain has no change from a young hundred, he looked in his pockets without stopping to speak, took out a fifty dollar, unfastened, Dryulya took it and we drove off ... then I went around this road for a week ...

I don’t even know if it’s good or not.

I'm on the subway. Something female enters the car, but of a homeless appearance and a corresponding smell. Half a wagon shies away from her like the plague; a woman comes up to her, hands her a hundred and asks to get out of the car. And then my business plan matured ...

Dad came home from work, frozen. Feels unwell. In connection with the commotion over the flu, I decided to measure the temperature.
- 36.8. Oh, I'm the sickest person in the world. I need a jar of jam and a tiny little bottle of brandy.

The first time I felt like a driver was not when I stopped dripping with cold sweat from the mere thought that there was a car waiting for me in the parking lot.
And not when he started to put on the brakes while in the passenger seat.
And not even when he began to chuckle in the direction of "dummies" and "summer residents" and contemptuously call them "deer".
And I became a driver at the moment when I was stomping down the street on foot, heard a noise from behind, completely automatically raised my eyes to look in the rear-view mirror and was shocked that the mirror was not there.

My husband is a harsh hair))) there are no pets in the house yet, my husband is against it, but I want a cat very much .. I taught my one-year-old son to stroke my father's fur and say: “Kitty”))) my husband laughs and gives up slowly)))

In the 80s, my mother used the terribly scarce Burda magazine for me, which my father got her from somewhere, cut and sewed me a New Year's dinosaur costume. I was terribly proud. Nobody had such a thing. She happily went to the matinee. And I was extremely upset when I was given a prize for the most unusual costume…. Crocodile Genes!

We are sitting in the car at the shopping center, some woman knocks on her husband's glass, he brushed it off, but she doesn’t leave. I got out and asked what was needed, she started: "There is nothing to pay for the apartment, there is nothing to eat, in the evening they will put out on the street, give me money." And we generally use cash to a minimum. I told her that there was no money, there was little change, I fished out a handful of coins from my pocket and held it out. And she haughtily said: “Why did you come out at all, since you don’t want to help ?!” - and left. For the sake of interest, they counted - 267 rubles. it would definitely be enough to eat.

The martyr and I have been together for a very long time - 10 years of friendship, during which time we managed to meet 3-4 times. And each time they remained good friends. No, there was no “friendly sex”. A year ago, we got back together and began to live together. And then I realized what love is. Love is respect and understanding. Here I come from work - angry, tired, hungry. And there he sits - also after work, also tired. He came up, silently hugged and so we stand. And immediately it becomes easier to live, and all problems recede.

To restore the former level of English, every evening before going to bed, I spent 1-1.5 hours telling myself about my day in detail. When I didn't know the right word, I looked in the dictionary and immediately applied it so that the word would be included in the active vocabulary. It helped a lot.

My neighbor had a cat. In the summer, when she left for work, she closed it on an unglazed balcony. True, she left bowls of water and food. He started coming to us through the window, lying on the couch. We bought him sweets. Then, when she heard that he was running away somewhere, she began to tie him up like a dog. My husband and I could not bear such a sight and stole the cat. Now in the village we have a respectable cat named Kuzma)

I remember how my grandmother was buried, I was about 14. It was the beginning of spring, it was still cold. Everything went on quietly, no one cried, no shouted, everyone held on. When we were saying goodbye just before the burial, I saw that my mother was trembling, standing at the coffin, on the street. When she approached, she said how awful it was to see snow fall on grandmother's face ... and does not melt ...

Student years. She worked as a nurse. She worked a frenzied night shift in surgery, a rather stupid lecture at the university, but a must-see. I decided to sleep. Suddenly a classmate wakes me up, I'm angry, they say, what do I need? And she calmly replies: there will be a break soon, and your mouth opened in a dream and already drool began to flow, God forbid someone takes a picture, you will become a star! It seems like a trifle, but I am still grateful to her.

My history. He left a good position with a good income. I wanted to fuck my own. I took a big business loan, went and took another one for the purchase of material. Everything worked out, but a year ago, a crisis hit, the bank, where I keep my savings, revoked the license, the demand for my product drops sharply, the warehouse is on fire. Bottom line. There is no money, there is nothing to repay debts with. And here I am, almost all gray-haired (at the age of 30) with a bunch of illnesses from nervous strain, in a small apartment, with a million dollar debt, and laughing at the way my cat chases a cockroach ...

My dad had a gorgeous beard and mustache when he was young. I was 4 years old and I really loved to draw .. once my dad forgot his passport on the coffee table, everything would be fine, but in the photo he was without facial hair. I corrected this mistake, and so that certainly no one would dig in, I signed on every blank page)))) my grandmother had a pre-infarction condition. And mom and dad laughed until hiccups)))

I was 4 years old when my older brother (6 years old) was taken by my parents to Moscow on vacation. When he returned, he considered himself so cool, still, he was resting in Moscow. I was very jealous, to tears. After a while my grandmother tells me: “Get ready, you will also go to Moscow! My happiness knew no bounds! Then I never found out that the place where they brought me was not Moscow at all, but my grandmother's village ...

During childbirth, before pushing, she asked to pee, the doctor said that the child was pressing on the bladder and sent to the chair. When the child came out, she sprayed both the midwife and the doctor with a jet. Looking at how they flow around and continuing my wet business, I could only say: "I told you ..."

After marriage, she did not take her husband's surname, but changed hers to another. And today, finally, our plan worked. When the passports were submitted to the tour company, the girl looked at my document and said: “Pozharskaya? And where is Minin? " AND HERE MY FAVORITE PUSHES A PASSPORT WITH AN APPROPRIATE SURNAME. I have never experienced such satisfaction.

I would personally kill my neighbor from the 5th floor. He is such an idiot that he decided to celebrate "Earth hour" along with the entire entrance. I made some trouble with the flap and everyone lost the light at 20:30. And absolutely nothing that I have a sick one-year-old child, my husband will come home from work at 9, and I have to cook dinner! Well, where can I go without light for an hour ?! Instead, I was forced to run up the stairwells in one hand with a child, and in the other with a flashlight! It would be better if I put water meters in my apartment. Jerk.

I got drunk, went to confess my love to the guy, the door was opened by the same drunk madam, we figured it out, my sister, my husband left, today we are 12 years old as best friends.

Mom always wanted me to get a higher education, and I always loved to sew. After grade 8 I went to apply to a school, to a dressmaker (documents were not accepted, parental consent is needed ...). I was preparing to enter college, but fell in love, did not enter, got married, got 2 higher education, my husband always provided, AND THIS IS A CRISIS, I started to sew to order, I have a lot of clients and I started earning (25 years later!) And helping my husband !

A colleague told how many years ago he stood up for a girl on the street. He stuffed one guy in the face. And the man was in touch. And a colleague was jailed for 6 years for murder. For the murder of a man who lives and rejoices! Allegedly, the murder would have happened if the man was not a tough psychic and the technique of complex self-regulation healed the wound on the liver. This nonsense was shown even in the news and no one had any doubts.

Every time we go with our newly-made husband to have dinner at a restaurant, we remember how at the beginning of our relationship, while still students, we bought one coffee in a stall for two. How they froze on a bench in the park every day in winter, because they were not allowed to visit him or me in the hostel, and there was no money to “sit and chat in a cafe”. It is very pleasant to realize that now you can relax, lying on the couch under the TV series, and at the same time not look at the clock, so that the hostel does not close. I am glad that there is something to compare with.

I bring up my daughter (2.5 years old) alone, I make good money, I try to make sure that my daughter does not need anything. Sometimes the older brother comes to visit, then he asks for money, then he will take potatoes from our stocks, “they say there is nothing to feed the family,” but that’s not the point. This moron, looking into our refrigerator, manages to show me that I fed my daughter, reduce her diet, and in general his children do not see this! Try to get a job, miserable loser !!! PASSING !!!

I had a chance to communicate with the Italians somehow. I was warned in advance that they know several phrases in Russian and are very fond of inserting these phrases into place and out of place. As a result, when we met, I heard: “Good afternoon! My name is Vico and this is Fonsi. We are creatures! ”. After several minutes of wild laughter and clarification, it turned out that they were not any creatures, but just comrades)

How to make a cat calm down for about 15 minutes, when you put your child to bed or want to fall asleep yourself, but the cat is freaked out and rushes around the apartment? Catch the cat, drag it to the refrigerator. In the refrigerator, find some odorous and harmless food for the cat - sausage, meat sauce, etc. Rub the cat's paws, sides, belly, tail with food. Put the cat on the floor, make sure he starts grooming. Enjoy the silence! The method is very humane, no physical pain and unpleasant effects on the beast 🙂

In childhood, my parents often sent my brother and me to the village for the summer, then to my grandmother, then to my aunt. That summer we stayed with my aunt. A river flows behind the village, in the heat there were all the locals, and we decided to go to the river with our relatives and cousins. The boys dived and grabbed by the legs, and since I didn’t know how (and still don’t know how) to swim, I was offended and walked 50 meters away from them. I was standing up to my neck in water, squishing and feeling that someone was on my legs fumbles, I think my brothers have sailed and are playing around again. Well, I dived and grabbed the joker's hand sharply and pulled out the corpse of a boy of 4-5 years old. They were looking for him for a week, but they could not find him, but he just caught on a snag, and I accidentally freed him. Since then, if the water is not transparent and I do not see the bottom because of the silt, then I don’t go into the water.

When I was 9 months pregnant, my husband and I temporarily lived with my mother in the village, because the house was being renovated. Not far from the village is a swamp. I was sitting to myself, watching TV, when suddenly I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. She looked out the window, and outside there was a stork on the windowsill. He looked at me for a minute and flew away. And after five minutes the contractions began.

I remember I was little, lived with my grandmother. In the morning we were awakened by a cry for help. Granny immediately ran out into the street, I went with a tail. Near the yard, a man beat and tried to rape a girl. The grandmother, instead of attacking him (which is ineffective), started shouting at the girl, like, oh you s..ka! simple..ka! I'm waiting for you at home, I'm worried, and you tumble under the man! Charged a slap in the face and pulled her screaming home. The peasant has a stupor, the girl did not immediately understand either, she thought, they missed ...

Once I was assigned to take a present to an old teacher who had worked at our school earlier. I ring the doorbell - a nice old woman opens, I jabber congratulations from the school. She asked about my DR. Six months later, my DR came. History lesson ... and then she comes in and asks me. She said a lot of kind words, gave me a box of chocolates and flowers. It turned out that shortly before her DR, her husband died, she did not want to see anyone. By my arrival, I cheered her up, seemed like an angel.

I met a guy, began to live together, and to put it mildly, I don’t know how to cook in general ... scrambled eggs and sandwiches do not count. So, I got used to ordering food from the restaurant when I feed him sushi and pizza. My, at that time, my best friend knew about it ... And when we somehow sat together in a cafe, my friend took it and began to tell my boyfriend about it, and even straight in all colors like how I warm it all up for him and on the table I bet .. what the guy asked me is it true? I answered yes. The guy got up silently, paid the bill, took my hand and said: let's get out of here, we don't need such friends. And you will learn to cook. Now I cook very tasty, we got married, and I no longer communicate with my friend. Doesn't know how to keep other people's secrets

I am a lunatic, I talk in a dream, what I said, of course, I do not remember in the morning. One of the funniest things my boyfriend told me. One night I woke him up and with a smile and open eyes asked: “Do you know why the snail is wet? I licked her! " And continue to sleep, as if nothing had happened.

At the beginning of the relationship, my husband and I were 1.5 years in different countries and saw each other every 3-4 months for several days. It was hard at a distance, and in order to want to get up in the morning, I thought of writing each other morning letters. The time difference was 3 hours, and before going to bed I wrote him a letter in the morning. In the morning he got up, read my letter, wrote to me and left for work. And I woke up with a smile, because his letter, full of warmth and love, was waiting for me. We keep letters until now!

I was returning from the club in the morning and saw how a drunken man was fucked by a bum !!! I wonder if the man will remember this when he wakes up ...

We took a kitty from a shelter. We were told that she was from the street, but at our house she immediately started going to the litter box. After a while, we sterilized her, moving away from anesthesia, the cat had to go to the toilet, we unknowingly did not bring him into the room closer to her. So she crawled to the tray, periodically falling on her side from weakness, pissed us on the floor of the apartment, but still reached the tray. My heroine!