How to build trust with your child. Formation of friendly and trusting relationships with children in the family

It is easy to love an abstract child, but you try to love a concrete child with all its flaws.

V.A. Sukhomlinsky

Why do you love Me? I didn't do anything like that.

If you knew that I would be what I am now, would you give birth to me again?

My three year old daughter

In pedagogy, only a lazy person does not speak about trusting relationships. All teachings, both past and present, encourage educators to build the notorious relationship of trust. But what is behind this coveted phrase?

We know very well that trust cannot be acquired in one sitting; it is beyond the control of reason. Trust is either there or not. It is very important for a child to feel on a subconscious level that he can trust his adult. Let's try to understand a little, on the basis of what trust appears, what should be your behavior in order for this trusting relationship to arise.

First of all, here it is necessary to talk about CHILD ACCEPTANCE.

True acceptance is when a child is fully accepted - both his strengths and his weaknesses. A child on a subconscious level, "with all the fibers of his soul" should feel: "They love me not for what I should be, but for what I am." When my daughter was little, we had a game with her, which she loved very much. When expressing my dissatisfaction with any of her actions, she always added "but", and I had to continue the sentence with something good. The dialogue looked like this:

Me: How disgusting you were when you did it!

She: But….

Me:… but darling! And what a favorite!

I don’t know who this dialogue helped more, her or me! I can say for sure one thing - no matter how tense the situation was, it ended with a smile or a kiss, which showed the child "unconditional acceptance." Psychologists note that with this approach, the child receives the necessary emotional support to change himself and experiment in his behavior.

In a situation of acceptance, physical contact is very important. Modern neuroscience research confirms the findings of John Bowlby, a leading expert in developmental psychology, who argued almost 60 years ago that not only when beating, but also in the absence of gentle physical contact with parents, certain parts of the brain remain underdeveloped in a child. especially those responsible for emotional development.

In support of this thesis, I will cite the data of one interesting experiment, which was carried out in an Iranian orphanage in 1982. Educators of the experimental group were asked to establish eye-to-eye contact, take the babies in their arms and “walk” with them during swaddling and feeding. The rest of the life of these kids was no different from the life of their peers from other groups. Imagine the surprise of the researchers when it turned out that the IQ level of children from the experimental group was 47% higher! 47% is the price of an ordinary human smile and human hands! Isn't that impressive?

Experts talk about four obligatory hugs a day (is this the minimum that you need to break upwards?)! But if you get acquainted with the views of the American psychotherapist J. Liedloff, you will understand how much this figure and all those close to it are underestimated!

After living for two and a half years in the tribes of South American Indians, Ledloff wrote the book How to Raise a Happy Child. The principle of continuity ”. The main conclusion to which she comes can be formulated as follows: most of the problems of a "civilized child" are associated with the absence of a "manual" period, that is, the period when the child is mainly in the hands of the parents (this is approximately from birth to the moment when the baby begins to crawl).

The author states: "The child receives his first experience from the body of a busy mother." Being with the mother around the clock, the physical sensation of her skin, smell - this is what is vital for the baby! In his description of the first experience of an infant, which appears in modern maternity hospitals, where this contact is minimized, the researcher introduces a heartbreaking note. Without shuddering, one cannot read her description of the first days of an infant placed in a stroller or crib.

In contrast to the practice of civilized countries (in this case, are we one of them?) D. Ledloff gives the example of Indian mothers who practically do not let their child go: the baby is always with them - when they cook, make a fire, sleep, dance. With this constant physical contact, the child receives proof of love without any strings attached. “The mother looks after the child simply because he is; his existence is enough to guarantee her love. " Thus, the child receives the experience of absolute acceptance, his "emotional reservoir" is filled, and with this baggage he can further cognize the world on his own.

It is interesting that in the Japanese family, which I talk about in the last chapter, like the Yequan Indians, whom D. Ledloff observed, children also sleep in the same bed with their parents for a long time and are with their mother for a long time, that is, they practice long "manual period". The American psychotherapist concludes that this is why "Asian cultures generally suffer less from a lack of correct infant experience than Europeans, and have significantly greater inner peace."

Maybe it's time for us to think too?

The second most important point is RESPECT FOR CHILD PERSONALITY.

A respectful attitude includes the following components.

1. Possibility to be heard by an adult... Naturally, this does not mean that we constantly have to agree with the child, give him the palm in conversation. It is advisable to build your dialogues in such a way that the baby feels that his thoughts and opinions are considered, that his position is accepted on an equal basis with others. He can be wrong, but he can also hear the apology of an adult when he is wrong. By the way, your accurate and simple apologies (if they are, of course, necessary?) Will show the child that you respect his feelings and regret your behavior.

To establish respectful relationships, you can introduce the game “Stop! Stop, please. " Regardless of who utters the phrase - a child or an adult - the reaction to it should be immediate. This rule is carried out unquestioningly by everyone. At the same time, children begin to understand, on the one hand, that they can control the situation and stop someone's behavior, on the other hand, that other people also deserve respectful treatment.

2. Respect for the child is manifested in the adult's honest attitude towards personal space of the baby(in English there is such a well-aimed word - privacy). To kid it is necessary to know that there is someone on whom he can rely, someone who will keep his secrets at. Here I will give an anti-example from my personal recollections.

Soviet school, 5th grade. The mass hobby of all the girls was writing the "Diary of Friends", where, along with questions for friends, for some reason they placed a cache where the name of the cherished boy was written. My notebook somehow falls into the hands of a labor teacher, and she breaks the cache in front of everyone and reads the name of a classmate aloud !!! What was the teacher guided by? I can explain her act (from the standpoint of authoritarian pedagogy), but I cannot understand. I will never be in her place! For me, one of the biggest compliments was the words of my daughter, which she once said to her friend: “I am sure that even if my personal diary is open, my mother will not look at it. She will close and put it in place. "

The third component of a trusting relationship is Sincerity, authenticity in communication with the child.

In a relationship with a child, you do not need to "seem", you need to "be"... We must continue to live our own life, in which the role of the "educator" is one of several, and not the only one.

If an adult is sincere with himself, sincerity and frankness in relations with children will be natural for him, he will give himself, express his true feelings. Whatever happens, the child should feel sincere interest and care in relation to himself and to his problems. However, all this must come from living people, and not from mannequins who have put on the given masks. In this regard, I will cite interesting recommendations of the American psychologist Thomas Gordon, which run counter to the postulates of family pedagogy that are familiar to us. Here they are:

1. Parents are people, not gods... Gordon writes: “Some people, after becoming parents, think that they now have to be something better than 'just human'. They no longer feel free in their manifestations. They believe that now they should be constant in their feelings, should always be tolerant, understanding, should put aside their own needs and sacrifice for the sake of children ... ”This position is wrong. Adults should remember that, despite the newly acquired roles of teacher and parent, they continue to be people who tend to make mistakes, doubt, get angry, etc. Having become a teacher, we do not automatically acquire the status of ultimate truth, we continue to be imperfect beings who are on their way to excellence.

2. Parents may be fickle and may not act as a “united front”. The common advice that "parents must be consistent in their demands" leads them to pretend, to act like beings whose feelings are unchanging and independent of the situation. In real life, this cannot happen. We change every day, our feelings change from situation to situation, from child to child. Sometimes it's more important to be natural and sincere than constant!

Talking about the "united parental front", T. Gordon exclaims: "This is pedagogical nonsense!" Traditionally, it has been argued that parents should be united in their position. But the fact is that two persons cannot think and feel the same way always and in everything! In a united front tactic, one parent begins to send a “mixed message” to the child (see below). And it should be avoided whenever possible.

In my opinion, Gordon's position is quite controversial, but there is still some truth in it. ? I think you will agree that there are times in life when it is not a “united front” that is important, but the opportunity to show the child that in any situation the main thing is to understand the feelings and position of the other and to compromise.

For example, parents disagreed whether Tanya could put on new shoes for a walk around the house (I think it's easy to guess who insisted on what?). In this situation, dad can give the following monologue: “I see that mom is totally against it. I don't quite agree with her. It seems to me that this is not so important, but you see, my mother considers it very important and has the right to it. So let's think about a solution that would suit us all. ”

Thus, parental unity is certainly important, but it is always necessary to be mindful of the situation and be flexible.

3. Parents should avoid the "mixed message". Mixed message is when your words do not match your sign language... For example, you say to a child: “I don’t care,” while facial expressions, posture, intonation show that you are against, that you are trying to suppress your dissatisfaction with his act. As a result, the child cannot choose a line of behavior, because he cannot understand what is true - your words or your body language (verbal or non-verbal message).

The next important point in building trust is FORMING POSITIVE EXPECTATIONS in relation to the child.

The child learns as much worse or better than the adult believes in him. To confirm this thesis, I will cite the data of one experiment. In my opinion, they are convincing. The experiment was carried out by R. Rosenthal and L. Jacobson.

Children of different age groups - from kindergarten to 5th grade - were offered to take tests to identify intellectual abilities. The following fall, the new teachers who entered these classes were given lists of the children who scored the most points. The only thing that the teachers did not know was that the "advanced" children were selected at random.

At the end of the year, a new test was carried out, the results of which stunned psychologists - children with supposedly exceptional abilities showed significant increases in IQ scores. In interviews, teachers also pointed out that it was these children who stood out for their curiosity throughout the year, adapted better to circumstances, were more attentive and, as a result, happier. As you can see, the only thing that has changed in the entire learning situation is the expectations of the teachers. The faith and positive attitudes of teachers led to a climate change in which children felt more successful, capable, and more meaningful — those with “great potential”. Thus, the expectations of adults played a significant role in changing the child's self-esteem.

In general, it must be said that in life (and not just in school) the child's behavior is largely determined by what is expected of him. In the first years of life, the baby learns the world intuitively in many ways, his subconscious reacts to many things. Moreover, the subconscious mind is very observant: it notices not what is being said aloud, but first of all what they really mean, betraying it by intonation or behavior. “In other words,” - I will quote D. Ledloff again, “a child is more likely to do what the way he feels from him expect than what he is told to do! "

In this regard, now is the time to talk about fears that directly affect our expectations. Ledloff talks about the baby Yequan (remember, this is an Indian tribe?), Which accelerated and stopped at the very edge of a one and a half meter hole. “With the indifference of an animal grazing at the edge of the cliff, he sat down with his face or even with his back to the pit. Playing with a stone, a stick, he rolled on the ground in all directions, except for the pit, not paying any attention to it. The instinctive mechanism of self-preservation worked flawlessly and clearly at any distance from the pit. " Where was the baby's mother at that time? She went about her business nearby.

How could we, educators of the 21st century, remember this “instinctive self-preservation mechanism” that helps babies survive in the jungle! Someone will say that in our cities it is more dangerous than in the jungle, and, alas, they will be right. But, expecting something bad (the baby will fall, be smashed, hit by a car, will be a hooligan), we take away from the child his natural strength, his ability to take care of himself. Nature eliminates exactly as many self-preservation mechanisms as others have taken upon themselves. Look at the nails and razor blades that Japanese kids play with (I'll talk about this in detail in Chapter 6)! It turns out that the expectations of the Japanese educators coincide with the behavior of the Yequan mothers (at least in Ledloff's interpretation?). And those and others expect children to take care of themselves that they do not have suicidal tendencies. The main thing is to explain everything to the children (it's about information!), And then there will be no accidents. With our overprotection, we prevent the child from taking responsibility for himself.

What conclusions can be drawn from all this reasoning? It turns out that the main thing for an adult is to work with their expectations. If you express concern with words or non-verbal language (intonation, look, voice): "Look, you will fall!", "You will get a low score!" - then sooner or later it will happen. The child cannot deceive your expectations !!! You need to trust the wisdom of your child, life, God, fate, egregor (it all depends on what you believe in). I agree, it is very difficult, but nobody promised that it would be easy! ?

Another component of a trusting relationship is EFFECTIVE PRAISE.

Have you ever wondered how often you praise your child, how you do it, how many good words do you have in stock? Agile Americans have special booklets offering 101 ways to praise teachers and parents!

If you do praise, how do you do it? It turns out that even this seemingly simple pedagogical technique has its own nuances. Having looked through the part of the English-language instructive pedagogical literature that I could, I made a kind of memo of effective praise. Read it, maybe take a note of something.

The characteristics of effective praise

1. Honored... Do not exaggerate! The praise should reflect the real picture of the child's actions. You should not call a child "Savior of the human race" for the glass of water he brought! ? Exaggerated praise can raise unreasonable expectations, and the attempt to do something should be celebrated in the same way as the success. For example: "I liked the way you tried to lace up the boot yourself."

2. Sincere... When you enthusiastically exclaim “This is a beautiful picture!” But don't really think so, the kids feel it. Therefore, if you want to say something pleasant, then find in the picture what you like. For example, “I love the colors you used,” “It's an interesting shape,” or “Feels like you enjoy painting.”

3. Immediate... This is especially important for younger students and for children with low self-esteem. They quickly forget praiseworthy moments. Here are some examples of "immediate praise":

“Thank you for helping me put the toys away.

- Good job! You took everything away.

- Excellent work - the table is beautifully set.

- Fine, you put on your coat yourself!

- Great, you came as soon as I called you!

- Blimey! You've found a great way to communicate your annoyance.

4. The specific focused on behavior. Praise should be given for specific actions. For example, when you say “Good girl Katya,” the child does not know what to do next time in order to be a “good girl” again — close the front door, hang up his coat, sing a song, or be quiet. Next time she may or may not guess. Better to say, "I'm glad you hung up your coat."

In children with low self-esteem, your characteristics of “good,” “cute,” “cute,” do not match their self-image, and your praise will be met with disbelief. Therefore, in your praise, you should describe what you SEE and what you FEEL. Praise should also be limited, otherwise its effectiveness will diminish.

5. Intrinsic Motivation... Gradually awaken in the child an inner interest in his actions: "You feel that you like to draw", "It seems that solving examples starts to give you pleasure." In this way, you will avoid a very common mistake when a boastful child is guided only by an external stimulus - someone's praise.

6. Individual... Children with low self-esteem sometimes receive praise with embarrassment and defiantly ignore it. You must make it clear to the child that the praise is addressed to him.

7. Recurring... Children with low self-esteem need to be praised for similar actions repeatedly, even if they feel like a broken record.

8. Spontaneous... Act according to the situation and be guided by your emotions, then your praise will be sincere and effective.

As you can see, the nuances of praise are quite significant.

How to build trusting relationships? Where to begin? I always want to hear something specific, "do it once, do it twice ..." From the numerous recommendations of family and child psychologists, I tried to compose such a kind of "Guide to the development of trusting relationships." Read, maybe you will find something interesting for yourself.

Trust Development Guide

Share your feelings with children. Do not hide your joys and sorrows from them.

Give your children a chance to be heard. A child, like an adult, needs to understand that he is being listened to when he speaks. You can choose a certain period during the day - an hour or even a few minutes, when you put off all your affairs and your attention will completely belong to him.

Take an active part in all of your child's activities. In this way, on the one hand, you kind of “share yourself,” on the other hand, you act as an example of enthusiastic fulfillment of tasks.

Make a box "PERSONAL LETTERS" (you can take a shoebox and decorate it). Encourage children to write personal letters to you, where they describe their feelings and experiences. (I can't help but write about my childhood experiences. When I was in 8th grade, I started writing "alien letters" to my sister, who was then in 4th grade. Zig-zag handwriting, intricate letter folding, a hint that I know some of her secrets - all this convinced my sister that the alien was “real.” She enthusiastically wrote to me, that is, the alien, shared her problems, asked for advice.)

Leave your child special notes with recognition of one or another of his merits.

I just want you to know

_______________________________________

I admit

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Congratulations!

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I admit

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I like

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Invite your child to lunch or a picnic (doesn't have to be a restaurant?). The main thing is not the place, but the time that you devote to each other.

Exercises

1. Exchange of letters (2-11th)

The most common, simple and effective technique. Encourage your child to write letters to you. With your questions, direct him to ensure that he goes from describing external events to describing his inner world (what he thought, felt, what he doubted, what he was happy about, etc.).

The following exercises encourage the child to explore the main sources of influence on him and his life.

2. Reflections on the family (2nd-4th)

The child needs to be helped to understand and accept his feelings towards his family members. Instead of the blasphemous question: "Whom do you love more?" - try to talk to him about the following topics:

When family members have shown kindness and understanding to each other;

How each family member is unique and different from others, and how this affects the strengthening of the family;

What are the successes of parents at work, in life in general.

Sometimes it is helpful to invite your child to write an essay "What it means to be an orphan." This gives the child the opportunity to re-evaluate what he is used to, what he takes for granted.

3. Significant person (2-11th)

The child reflects on who is special in his life. Children work in pairs or in a team, they can just write a small essay. Here's an example sample:

A special person in my life is ...

I first met him / her ...

When I am with him / her, I feel ...

I feel this way because ...

This person is special for me, because ...

Particularly unforgettable was the time when we were together ...

I love doing with him / her (at least three points) ...

4. People I Can Rely On (2nd-7th)

Invite your child to draw such a diagram: in the central circle he writes his name, in the rest - the names of people whom he trusts, on whom he is ready to rely.

5. Interview with a significant person (2nd-4th)

First, the term “significant person” is discussed with the child (this is the one you always look forward to meeting; the one you love and miss; whose opinion you especially listen to). The child is then asked to interview the person in order to learn more about them. Possible interview questions:

How did you grow up?

Where did you grow up? What is the difference and what are the similarities between your childhood and the modern one?

What was the hardest / easiest thing during your school years?

What was your favorite thing to do during those years?

Your favorite teacher.

After that, the child can write a biography of a loved one.

6. Bodily technology. Palm contact (d.s. - 6th)

Invite your child to play with their palms, and you can find out what he expects from your relationship. First, show him the existing options:

If you put palm to palm along the entire length, it will be a partner contact;

If you touch only with your fingertips, then this is needle contact;

When one hand covers the fist of the other, it is parental contact.

Now close your eyes and give the child the initiative, let him choose the contact that is most pleasing to him. If the child chose the first option, your relationship is close to harmonious, the second contact indicates distrust between you, the third - the child's need for more protection and love. Draw your own conclusions!

So what have we learned in this chapter? Let's highlight the main points again.

Briefly about the main thing

True acceptance is when a child is accepted not only for his strengths, but also for his weaknesses.

The child should feel that his thoughts and opinions are considered, that his position is accepted on an equal basis with others.

The child needs to know that there is someone on whom he can rely, who will keep his secret under any circumstances.

Parents are people, not gods. They may be fickle and may not act as a “united front”. Sometimes it's more important to be natural and sincere than constant!

Avoid a "mixed message". Mixed message is when the words spoken do not match sign language.

The child learns as much worse or better than the adult believes in him.

Effective praise raises a child's self-esteem. It is essential for a trusting relationship.

An article on the formation of friendly and trusting relationships with children "How to be friends with a child?"

This material will be useful for class teachers for use in parent-teacher meetings, after-school teachers and parents in order to establish and establish friendly and trusting relationships between an adult and a child. The article provides simple and understandable recommendations that can be applied in working with a child of any age, since you need to start building relationships from an early age and continue to work on them all your life.

Raising children is not an easy task, and most parents and educators want to raise their children to be respectable members of society. For this, it is important to be able to explain to them the norms of morality and behavior, teach them to resist difficulties and lead a happy, meaningful life. All this can be achieved only by developing warm friendships with the child. But being a true friend to a child is not so easy. I hope this article will help someone in this matter. Recommendations for establishing friendships with children:
Step 1 - building trust
Without trust, any undertaking is doomed to failure. No matter what you say, no matter how you try to eloquently convey information to the child, if he does not trust you, your efforts are in vain. Therefore, the first step is to gain the child's trust. This can be done in two ways. First, never cheat on your child. If you always tell the truth, even when it denounces you yourself, you will show your child that you can be trusted. In response, he will also want to open up to you, and so you will begin to build a strong chain of mutual trust. The second way - do not doubt the child's motives, his sincerity, desire to help - he will certainly want to justify your trust.
Step 2 - providing assistance
You can always rely on your friend, and he is ready to help you at any moment. The same principle should apply in your relationship with children. The child should know that you will always provide him with support, intercede, come to the rescue in difficult times. If an adult has no time even to listen to his child, to delve into his problems, then the child will soon lose any desire to contact them, and he will find help and understanding somewhere else.
Step 3 - showing love
Your relationship with your child should be based on love and respect, not fear. For the development of friendship, it is important that children listen to adults, because they are afraid of upsetting them, causing them trouble, disappointing them. Even so, it is important to convince the child that you will love him, despite his mistakes and mistakes.
Step 4 - be yourself
As you try to develop friendship with your child, it is important to remain yourself. You should not imitate someone, copy someone's behavior, try to behave in a manner unusual for you. Falseness and unnaturalness will be felt immediately, and can be mistaken for insincerity. Being friends with a child does not mean behaving in a familiar way with him, it means treating him with trust, love and being ready to help whenever you need it.

Family Relationships: How to Build Your Child's Trust

A child's distrust of his parents - a situation that arises in many families - often entails a whole range of problems in the life of the child and his loved ones. Children who have lost confidence in their parents often become withdrawn, lonely, insecure, unadapted to overcome life's difficulties. However, each parent will be able to prevent the development of these qualities in his child if he becomes not only a teacher, but also a close friend for him. A trusting relationship in the family is the key to the harmonious development of the child and his mental health. But how do you gain the child's trust? Following some guidelines will help parents build a trusting and respectful relationship with their children.

The most important thing in raising a child is creating a stable emotional environment. Balance and the absence of severe spiritual shocks is the key to the normal physical and mental development of the child. Warm relationships and mutual respect between family members form a number of positive qualities in a child: kindness, responsibility, attention to others and trust.

The main problem that young families most often face today is the lack of attention that parents pay to their child. Parents who are too passionate about their careers and personal affairs cannot devote enough time to their babies. A child who does not receive proper care from his parents feels lonely, often withdraws into himself and gradually becomes more and more alienated from his parents. The lack of time that a parent devotes to his child cannot be compensated for by either self-indulgence or expensive purchases. If you are not ready to devote as much time to your child as it takes, then you will hardly be able to create a trusting relationship with him. The more often you leave your child alone or with strangers, the more he will be alienated from you. In such situations, it often happens that the child has less affection for his parents than for his grandparents, nanny or caregiver - the person who devotes more time to him. Conversely, the more time a parent spends with their child, the stronger the emotional bond between them becomes.

When communicating with a child, you need to be able to show respect for his feelings, experiences and interests. Never let your child understand that his occupation seems less important to you than yours. It is very important to show your child that you are ready to accept and love him for who he is, along with all his interests, fears, successes and failures. Do not offend the feelings of your children, do not make fun of their desires! Avoid any ridicule and never embarrass them in front of strangers.

A very important factor in the development of a child is his communication with peers. If the child does not develop relationships with other children, and he begins to avoid them, then the parents should promptly come to his aid. You need to talk to the child, find out the reasons for the current situation and try to help him overcome the feeling of inferiority, resentment or guilt that has arisen. Parental involvement in the child's experiences helps build strong trusting relationships.

Often, a child's distrust of parents is the result of deception on the part of adults. Never make promises to your child that you cannot keep. The child can look forward to the promised sweets or a trip to the zoo. When he does not receive what is expected, he experiences resentment and disappointment. If you made a promise to a child, then you must keep it under any circumstances, otherwise your authority will begin to weaken. If the fulfillment of the promised depends on some conditions, then you should tell the baby about them in advance. For example, explain to your child that you can only take him to the amusement park if it is not raining, and the trip to visit grandma depends on her well-being.

How honest you are with your child is also reflected in your ability to admit your guilt. If you made a mistake, raised your voice unfairly, or behaved rudely and impulsively in his presence, be sure to tell him later that you were wrong. Only by being honest with your child, you will be able to establish a trusting relationship with him.

Never ask too much of your child. It often happens that parents insist that their child bring only excellent grades from school, even if they are difficult for him, or force him to attend circles and sections that are not interesting to him. In such a situation, the relationship between parent and child will be tense. Unreasonable restrictions and excessive demands will only spoil your relationship.

Remember that the child has his inner world, his desires that seem important to him, needs that he strives to fulfill. It is very important that the child does what is of interest to him. He has every right to decide on his own which circles he will attend. Do not interfere with his hobbies.

It is very important for every child to feel significant, to understand that someone needs him. Let him take care of you. Ask him to look after you if you are sick or tired. Let him take part in your activities, such as housework. Just don't ask him to do something he can't handle. Praise him for his work and care. It will be a big plus to have a pet. Explain how to properly care for your pet. Caring for animals will develop in the child not only a sense of self-worth, but also kindness, a sense of responsibility, the ability to take care of others.

Often, parents are faced with the question of how to properly punish the child in the event of his fault. It is very important to exclude physical punishment and reprimands. Such behavior will not give positive results, it will only make the child hostile against you, arouse in him a feeling of inferiority, aggression, resentment. You should never scold a child in front of strangers. A child will lose confidence in you if you expose his inner world in front of other people, tell someone about his mistakes and, moreover, subject him to public humiliation.

If you want to maintain a warm and respectful relationship in your family, never demand from your child what you yourself do not follow. The child will not be aware of the need to do what is required of him. Only the fear of punishment for disobedience will force him to submit to your will. It is also important that you never lie to people in front of your child, even if your lie does not concern the family. By imitating you, the child will quickly understand that lies, cunning and hypocrisy can help him achieve what he wants in an easy way.

In order to educate in a child the qualities that you want to see in him, you need to constantly demonstrate them to him by your own example. Be honest with your child, respect his feelings and hobbies, take care of him at every possible opportunity, take an interest in his feelings and thoughts and do not demand the impossible or difficult to achieve from him. Love your children for who they are. If you want to win the child's trust, then become his friend.

The family is the child's main support. The future well-being of the child depends on the moral principles on which the family is based. Parental education largely shapes his attitude towards life and himself. That is why it is so important that the relationship between the child and the parents is based on mutual trust. And this can be achieved only if honesty, respect and a willingness to come to the rescue and show care in any situation reign in the family.

Horse Purple

I read the post of a famous blogger who gives advice to people in difficult life situations. Most often women turn to her, so her advice is mainly about family, marriage, children, etc. The blogger is deeply religious, and this leaves an imprint on her advice.

But today's post made me deeply outraged, so I want to talk about forced sex in marriage.

The situation, unfortunately, is quite common. A woman who is dependent on her husband (finances, children, the apartment belongs to her husband) writes that her husband needs sex much more often than she does. Her attempts to explain that she doesn't need so often run into her husband's misunderstanding: you never know what she needs or doesn't need, and what do you order him to do with your need ?! Therefore, over and over again coercion occurs when a woman has to endure while her husband fulfills his obligatory program. Yes, he also happens to be dissatisfied: why is she helping him to carry out this program without due enthusiasm? Without a twinkle and fantasy? As a result, the wife's desire for sex disappears altogether, completely. She feels humiliated, raped, feels like a thing that is used and whose partner's opinion does not interest at all. At the same time, she seems to love and respect her husband, but every day she gets worse and worse.

And now a poor woman, who is regularly forced to endure rape in her own marital bedroom, writes a question: advise how to explain to her husband that this situation is unpleasant to me, humiliating to me? How to make him agree to have sex of mutual desire? I cannot leave my husband (housing, children, finances), I also cannot convey my point of view, he does not hear her, does not take into account.

And so we read the wonderful answer of the counselor, with bated breath. Maybe she will advise the poor woman to dig up resources and run? Find at least a poorly paid profession? Calculate exactly how much alimony will be and is it possible to collect them in real amount, and not in shares of the living wage? Try to think if there are any close relatives who are ready to shelter her with children for the first time?

No. You haven't guessed right.

A well-known blogger advises to change the attitude towards the situation. She advises to RETURN her husband, because he SHOULD! You, she writes, simply have no idea what agonizing hunger a man who needs sex is experiencing. This hunger is stronger than usual, stronger than thirst, stronger than anything else. And a woman has such a mission: to satisfy all the desires of a man, since you are already married. Catholics even have this - the wife's body belongs to the husband. Therefore, it is not enough to endure, darling, so he can leave you for better sex. We must satisfy his hunger with joy and enthusiasm! He should see that it brings you great pleasure! Enjoy the fact that every day you make your beloved man a little happier!

So, I want to talk about the fact that the satisfaction of a man's lust unilaterally, when the wife does not feel attraction - this is rape. Not to be interested in the opinion of the wife, because simply "I want, I need" - violence and disregard for the interests of the wife. Because “so what you don’t want, we’ll start now and in the process will want to” is compulsion. It is very important to call a spade a spade. Many women agree to these sacrifices, they make them deliberately in order to save the family, so that the husband is happy, so that he does not seek sex on the hikes to the left - but let's call a spade a spade. Not "I satisfy every desire of my husband, because this is my feminine destiny," but "I give him on demand so that he is pleased with me, so that there are no scandals, so that he does not leave me and go to another." Not "the highest destiny of a woman is for a man next to her to be happy," but "he doesn't give a damn about me and my feelings, first of all he thinks about satisfying his own needs."

But I propose not to call such sacrificial sex sex, and even more so love. I suggest calling it what it really is: marital rape.

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Evdokia

Another photo theme for lovers of portraits, b / w photos and history.

Here are collected photos of the princesses of the XIX-XX-XXI centuries. There were many more princesses, because the daughters of princes also bear the title of princess. But in this topic only daughters of emperors, kings, kings, dukes are represented, i.e. those who were in power (or as I read somewhere - "princesses of the first order").

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White and fluffy

Is it possible to consider a person who saves not someone else's life, but his own life, a hero? Billy Johnson, the youngest son of Ada Blackjack, the only woman single-handedly surviving in the Arctic, believed that it was possible, and knocked on her tombstone: "Heroine of Wrangel Island."

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