Love is a mutual feeling.
The father of his children teaches something,
the children are teaching their father something.
They educate each other.

Parenting brings an irreplaceable contribution to the formation of the child's personality, in order to create good discipline in the family and achieve mutual understanding with the growing child, the parent needs to correctly position himself in front of him. Dad is an example of a real man for his son, who is looking for the necessary experience in him to communicate with people in life. A large number of psychological experiments indicate that with proper upbringing, a daughter often looks for a companion in life with a character that best matches her father's type. At the same time, the boy adopts certain forms of behavior from his dad for work, family creation and simple communication with peers.

Famous psychologist Sigmund Freud noted the strongest the need of children for protection from the male half families, arguing that from a very early age, an infant should understand that dad always comes to the rescue in case of a dangerous situation.

The role of the father in the family has its own characteristics and characteristics, knowing which you can have a beneficial effect on the growing child.

Undoubtedly, the role of the father in raising his son leaves a huge imprint on the future model of behavior.

Bringing up boy, father must understand that child will not a man just because he was born that way, first of all, he needs to set a good example. Dad can (should) become a real example for his son, if it treats him patiently and with respect avoiding unnecessary rudeness and violence... Otherwise, the boy may become insecure and feel uncomfortable around other guys, and in such situations, children often lean closer to mom taking over from her manners and interests.
Father must always support his son Not only moralizing in this case it is very important faith into a child and development in it self-respect and self-sufficiency... In the growing son one must always see potential and capabilities to help him discover his talents. In parallel with this quality, it is necessary to stimulate the development independence and own opinion at boy so that in the future he can be boldly responsible for his actions.
Special attention in education son should be given respect to girl, woman, mother, explaining the rules of behavior and relationships with the opposite sex. However, simple words cannot be dispensed with, everything is necessary show by example in everyday communication, as in family circle, and beyond.

Trust in the world

Dad - this is a person who plays a special, very important role in the development of a baby. If Mother associates with the baby with internal the world (she is always there, feeds, dresses, changes diapers, literally predicts desires), then dad - with external... He comes only in the evening, communication with him is limited, and he does not always understand what he wants baby... He, like the wind, brings with him a new information: smells, sensations. And exactly dad forms attitude baby to the outside world. If he attentive and kind, then baby understands that the world is safe, he can be trusted. If dad dissatisfied and rude then the outside world seems to the kid hostile and dangerous.

Carrot or stick? Try mind education.
Only authority and kindness can act, force cannot.
Vin the beginning you need to look for where to encourage, and for what to punish there is always.
We must speak as equals, make them feel responsible for themselves.

Daddy's attachment must be earned, and it can be lost. The main message: "I love you because you meet my expectations, fulfill your duties." On the one hand, the need to seek recognition is a very good incentive for development. But the feeling is that love can be lost - an ordeal for toddler... It is very important that these experiences do not develop into permanent fear. Love father must be patient and condescending, but not threatening and authoritarian. Necessary respect, demand, but not suppress and not humiliate... This is the only way to give a small personality a feeling own strength.
What is the bottom line?A loving dad should allow the child to get rid of his father's authority and become ... an authority for himself.

… With dad, you can experience incredible feelings. He can throw the crumbs right up to the ceiling, carry it on his shoulders ... All this is so interesting to the first discoverer! When the baby gets older, dad will teach you how to do exercises, temper, perhaps instill a taste for fun, sports, an active lifestyle ... ..

It's no secret that for any child, the upbringing of both parents is important. However, recently scientists proved that children, in whose development an active role is played father grow more smart and successful... During 50 years scientists from Center for Behavior and Evolution at the University of Newcastle followed life 17 thousand babies born in the same week, analyzing the impact of active parenting... When the participants research have reached adulthood, scientists spent a detailed interview in which they were defined social mobility, success, having your own family as well as how good parents they are compared to their own.

Only in 2004 were interviewed 5600 a person who has reached the age 46 years old... The results of the survey confirmed the data obtained throughout the study. As it turned out, children whose fathers played an active role in their upbringing, taking private walks with them and reading books together, grew up more successful than those whose upbringing was placed on the shoulders of their mothers.
“What surprised me in the results obtained is the very specific figures that speak about the success of children who received enough attention from their father in childhood., - noted doctor Daniel Nettle, head of the research group. —Interestingly, even 30 years later, these people are distinguished by the fact that they are much better suited in life and easier to make a career, moving up the social ladder. This suggests that the child benefits from the involvement of the other parent in his life, and this affects his skills and abilities, which remain with him forever. "

Not a stupid father can pass on to the child useful knowledge and wisdom, which are undoubtedly more expensive than money and any capital, knowledge is something that a son cannot squander, waste, this is something that will forever remain with his beloved child and will help him all his life!

It is surprising that despite the fact that usually fathers more likely to babysit sons than with daughters, their upbringing turned out to be fruitful for children both floors.

Building self-esteem

Insofar as Mother is always around, her criticism or praise is not always meaningful for toddler... As they grow up, the child learns to manipulate ma-my, with dad this trick does not always work. Dad less often it is present nearby, and its assessment for the crumbs is more significant. Dad praises or scolds, approves or is indignant. Based on his reactions, self-esteem at baby.

Defining boundaries

To opinion dads listens Mother, and baby, even without understanding the words, catches intonation. He feels that the rules of the game are set exactly this human. It defines the scope of what is permitted, shows what behavior is allowed and what is strictly prohibited. It is very important that opinions dads and mom coincided. Have baby now the so-called world map is being formed, and if one parent permits something and the other prohibits something, the baby will become confused and developmental difficulties may begin. That is why parents need to remember that when they are little, they cannot sort things out, adhere to different tactics of behavior. Agree on everything behind closed doors, the baby should have one indisputable authority. And it’s very good if it’s a father.

... It is important that some kind of daily tradition is fixed for the dad, whether it is bathing or putting the baby to bed. Regular repetition of an action gives the child a sense of confidence. One thing is a mother who is nearby. The other is dad, he is not at home all day, and this is already alarming. But, nevertheless, he always returns, he is reliable, one might say, dad is the guarantor of stability, he consolidates the confidence of the crumbs in the world around him. In addition, traditions establish an inextricable link between the baby and the father, when the action turns into a ritual ...

Understanding who is who

Mama and dad- two halves of one whole... They perceive many things differently, react to events. For the formation of a full-fledged personality, it is necessary and mother's, and pa-pin an experience. That's why dad it is necessary to actively engage in the life of a little person. At a certain stage (closer to 3 years old) children begin to fight for daddy's Attention.

Boys start to compete with dad ... They simultaneously copy male features and are fighting for mom's attention. Subconsciously feel in dad rival, therefore, enter into a fight with him, showing that they brave, brave, strong... Have boys at this age is formed masculine self-consciousness, treating oneself as a man, a protector.

... At the age of 6-8 months, the baby begins to experience various fears - darkness, loneliness, etc. Parents help to cope with them. But they do it in different ways. So, the mother does not immediately enter the dark room with the baby. First, they open the door, then look inside, then together they take the first step ... Dad, however, takes the baby in his arms and boldly enters the dark room, encouraging the baby. Dad teaches 6 to be brave, with him the child is ready to face danger. It's not scary with dad. Perhaps the mother even thinks that he solves issues too radically, this experience is useful for the baby too ...

Mastering the world

Daily grooves with mom, of course, they bring a lot of impressions. But the hike with dad can turn into a whole adventure. Dads bolder, more decisive and with them you can master those places where with mom little boy did not come. Trips, long-distance travel - it is all organized by dad ... It's incredibly fun to walk with him - after all dad most likely he will not scold for soiled things, on the contrary, he himself will gladly take part in "dirty deeds": the construction of a tower from sand or a snow slide.

Men's priorities

Even a fidget becomes a goody when he watches how dad something glues, tinkers, nails. This is a completely different area of ​​life Mother does not know how to do this. It broadens the horizons child, develops curiosity (after all, I really want to consider everything that lies in the treasure chest - daddy's a suitcase with tools). Dads able to find a way out of the most confusing and difficult situation. The kid does not want to fall asleep under mother's lullaby? Dad suddenly begins to beat the drum and suddenly, lo and behold, the crumb calms down. Dad's sense of humor and resourcefulness help to solve many problems. Dads everyone does not like mom. Baby sees this diversity, which is very useful for his development and maturation.

Think, father, what YOU can give the baby!
Chat every day! Even if the time is only a quarter of an hour. Just include the date with your child in your schedule. Then it will become a necessity, and at first you can use the diary.

• Collect information about the children. Be sure that even your know-it-all wife always has something to learn. For example, from the books of the famous pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky you learn about reasonable hardening. Start to act. After all, many mothers cannot do this task. They are closer to the idea of ​​wrapping up and warming up.


• Allow yourself active games with a baby. Dynamic gymnastics, scuba diving in the bath, various developmental exercises - you have a lot of possibilities.


• Become a bearer of calmness. And also the experience of stability in your family. It is very difficult for a young mother: hormonal changes, fatigue, increased anxiety and fear for the baby. Everything is piling up at once.


• Your task is to balance and calm. The strength and confidence emanating from you will surely be transferred not only to your wife, but also to your child, And then harmony and order will reign in your house. Most likely for a long time. If you fix everything from the very beginning, then later it will become easier for you to solve new problems that your grown daughter or son will throw up.

Road to the world
REMEMBER! and it is your father who will need to introduce the baby into the adult world, make him a member of the male community, contribute to his socialization in accordance with the norms and requirements of society for the stronger sex.

Even conditioned paternal love, which largely depends on the success of the child, prepares him for adaptation in a society where much depends on how others and yourself evaluate you. This is a kind of inoculation for a baby who is accustomed to the hothouse conditions of mother's adoration. However, please don't overdo it. The kid must understand that he has the right to make mistakes, and be sure that because of them he does not lose his paternal affection.

• Teach your son to approach the problem constructively, not give up and correct his mistakes. And do not forget to do this yourself, especially if you offended the baby or committed injustice towards him. Father and son have a special relationship. They are one team.


• Both easily find a common language and sometimes understand each other perfectly.


• Dad, for example, does not need to explain that a stick picked up on the street miraculously "shoots" at the enemy, and even where the enemy is, you do not need to show ... It is important not to lose mutual understanding. Never dismiss a child. If you have absolutely no strength to communicate with him, just say: “I'm tired. I’ll have a rest - we will certainly talk (we will play, we will run) ”. And keep your word! A boy's need for a father increases at the age of five or six. Then mommy fades into the background. There is a very important stage in the separation of the son from the mother. This is the time of the boy's sexual self-identification, active self-affirmation as a representative of the male half of humanity. It is extremely important for him to feel his involvement in his father's world. He is not just imitating, he is already scanning and analyzing his father's actions.


• Support him in every way in these endeavors. And now especially.


• Connect it to your activities: whether you are repairing a car, whether you are doing repairs in the country - do not be lazy to tell and show everything.


• Play boy games. These are active, endurance and strength training activities. Sometimes just noisy bustle and bustle. And sometimes hide and seek, hide and seek, catch-up, boxing and even sumo wrestling, there are very interesting computer free games for boys where you can play together. First, it gives the little man the opportunity to assert himself. Secondly, it teaches you to a special style of male communication, somewhat rude, but sincere. Thirdly, it helps the boy get rid of tension and aggression.


• Arrange competitions: further, higher, stronger. This, five, is a good training of masculine qualities, an opportunity to test oneself, to realize that it is necessary to exert a lot of effort to achieve victory. So don't give up. Create conditions for a real struggle, of course, taking into account the age characteristics of the baby. If you win, be sure to explain that you worked hard in order to achieve such a result. And point out the personal achievements of your son in specific activities: “You didn’t know how to ride a bicycle before. And now you're doing great! A little more - and you will just fly! " Suggest what more work needs to be done. Undoubtedly, you will have to give in. But not deliberately, not explicitly. For the sake of completeness, victory must occur after a stubborn struggle. And the realization that “I defeated my dad himself” will help the boy to respect himself even more and contribute to the formation of adequate self-esteem.


• Let your son show emotions. Who Said Boys Don't Cry? They cry, rejoice, get annoyed and nervous, but little by little they learn to control their feelings, more often from their own father. Always make it clear that you are not indifferent to his feelings: "You are angry because you could not score a goal in today's game!" And when the child has calmed down, discuss what you can do to achieve a better result next time.


• Teach independence. Give adult assignments regularly. For example, paint a bench in the garage (take very old clothes from your mother!) Or put screws and nuts in boxes and don't stand over his soul! Let the baby do the work himself. Your trust will strengthen his confidence in himself ... unless, of course, you will not clutch at your heart when you see that the car door, part of the floor and a brand new canister are painted along with the bench.A sense of humor is a wonderful trait of a good, understanding dad!

Fathers are different and they do not always have ideal traits. Often their mistakes in upbringing can ruin the lives of children. There are seven main types of imperfect fathers. Psychologists have formed them on the basis of the most common mistakes in upbringing, as well as their causes and effects. From each type, the main positive traits can be distinguished, on the basis of which to form your own ideal of a real father. Knowing the characteristics of each type will help to avoid mistakes and become such a dad that the child will be proud of.

Who are tyrant popes?

Such dads communicate with the child strictly and as an equal, they perceive children as small adults, so they cannot find a common language with them. They sincerely wonder how a mere trifle can bring a child to tears ( for example, a burst balloon) or, conversely, become the cause of his stormy enthusiasm ( for example, a hollow found in a tree), and therefore they are able to share the sadness and joy of their child. The inner world of a son or daughter is of no interest to such a parent. Such fathers are proud, have a strong character, and act according to the principle "I am always right" without admitting any contradictions. Upbringing in the "performance" of an authoritarian father comes down to vigilant control of the child's behavior, lectures, admonitions and strict requirements: "Do not go!", "Do not touch!", "Put in place!" etc. The result is a crippled child's psyche, ruined childhood and future. Some "tyrant" fathers not only morally oppress their children, keep them in constant fear and tension, but also raise their authority in the form of physical violence. The children of such fathers feel lonely and suffer.

Tyrants at every step criticize, find fault, shout at children and consider this behavior to be the correct educational measure. The psyche of a child in such an environment can break. He, taking to heart the resentment and sting of his father, becomes insecure and can establish the same order in his family in the future. Such fathers give their children neither love, nor tranquility, nor understanding, nor poise.

Indifferent fathers - callous and detached, not showing tenderness and affection

Indifferent fathers are extremely contemptuous of "calf tenderness", therefore they never hug, kiss, caress neither their children nor their wife in their presence. The tactile "callousness" of the father is especially detrimental to girls. So, the need for bodily contact with the father, unsatisfied in childhood, leads to the fact that an adult daughter has difficulties in showing sexuality and often ends up in bed with barely familiar men. Such dads do not demonstrate emotional attachment to children, but only show irritation and neglect. Their love is abstract and expressed in material terms. They have no connection with the child, they are not interested in his life. They are always busy and do not participate in the upbringing. All attempts to establish any contacts with them are suppressed.

A child with an emotionally detached father adapts less well to life and is prone to the development of addictions. The daughters of such fathers find it difficult to establish relationships with partners. They often find the same callous men. Sons become bad fathers. They simply do not know how a father should behave and what responsibilities to fulfill. Children find it difficult to build relationships with friends and colleagues. The result in a family with an indifferent father and an emotionally active mother can be a child, whom everyone calls "mother's joy" and who constantly pulls money from the father.

Daddy "henpecked" - soft and weak, unable to make responsible decisions and actions

Despite their kindness and complaisance, they do not enjoy authority with their children. A son or daughter is deprived of psychological care and a sense of support. They see the shyness of the father and his inability to solve life's problems.

With such dads, children often become leaders for themselves. In adolescence, they can become "unmanageable", demonstrating their independence in every way, fall under the influence of bad companies. At an older age, a daughter raised by such a dad often chooses the same mild loser in life as her companions, and a son can also grow up to be a henpecked one.

A dad suffering from various addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling) is a family misfortune

A family in which the father suffers from alcoholism, drug addiction or gambling addiction is a dysfunctional and morally disadvantaged family. Conflicts, scandals, experiences are constant in it. Children grow up in an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, shame and despair.

The main factors that influence the formation of children in a family with an alcoholic or drug addict father are:

• Family secret - the father's addiction is kept secret and not discussed. Children get used to lies and evasions, they are ashamed of their dad;
• Fear, anxiety and unpredictability - lack of consistency in the father's behavior, quarrels and conflicts;
• Lack of tenderness and warmth in relationships - children become secretive and acutely feel their insecurity;
• Lack of attention - the dad is absorbed in his problems, the mother is busy thinking about how to cure her husband from addiction, and the children are left to themselves. Often they begin to think that they themselves are the cause of troubles in the family. This contributes to the formation of low self-esteem and chronic dissatisfaction with life.

Adult daughters of dependent parents choose in their lives the same partners suffering from addictions. Research shows that children of alcoholics have a high risk of alcoholism... So, according to statistics, about 80% of sons with alcohol-dependent parents, and up to 25% of daughters suffer from alcoholism in the future.

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn't think that the problem of stretch marks would touch me, but I will also write about it))) But there is nowhere to go, so I am writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method will help you too ...

While the child is small, he adores his dad, who is addicted to gambling, loves to play with him and fool around. At thirty, he has more passion than a little son. Teenage children at some point cease to respect the dependent father. He is not an authority for them.

What happens if dad is a workaholic?

Workaholics are financially wealthy heads of household who are preoccupied with their jobs, businesses, or careers. They are rarely at home and focus only on the financial well-being of the family. In a family with a workaholic, there is complete abundance. He even works at home, not paying attention to children and emotionally not participating in their lives.

A typical evening with a working dad can be described as follows. He returns home late and immediately sits down at the computer to work. The son, looking into the room, holds out a drawing and says: "I drew an elephant." Dad casts a glance at the paper and turns back to the computer. The son leaves and he no longer has a desire to enter. He understands that he and his achievements are not important. He comes to the conclusion that dad's love can be earned by something significant and grandiose: running away from home, jumping from a parachute or the ability to make a lot of money. Such a son will constantly remember his insignificance, even if he manages to achieve a lot in life. Nothing can ever replace his attention and fatherly love.

In the period of growing up, such children have behavioral problems - this is aggression, inability to control their feelings and emotions, disobedience.

Do I need a coming (Sunday) dad?

According to statistics, about 40% of divorced fathers communicate with their children, and one fourth of them see them regularly once a week. Such fathers are called Sunday Popes. What can Sunday dad give and is he needed? This is a tricky question with many points of view.

The family may fall apart, but the mother and father remain parents and the dad has every right to take part in the fate of his child. Psychologists advise to dissolve marriages in a civilized manner. Many couples, after parting and creating new families, become friends for the sake of children and raise them together.

If the father is indifferent to the fate of the child, then such Sunday dads are definitely not needed. Better to let him go. After all, a father is not just a biological relationship, it is constant care, attention and love.

Many Sunday dads treat their children like a toy with which to take pictures, take a walk, and show off. Meetings are not regular, dad may disappear for a long time. Communication with such fathers will not benefit the child and will not make him happy.

Psychologists believe that raising a son without a father incorrectly forms the standards of male behavior. A girl who grows up without a father may also have problems in her future family life.

How to treat fathers who are not satisfied with the gender of the child?

Not every father is happy with the sex of the unborn child. Such fathers cause significant trauma to the psyche and normal development of the baby. A father awaiting the birth of a boy, when his daughter appears, feels that he has been deceived and may begin to raise her like a son. This negatively affects the girl's further family life.

Psychologists advise to see in a child an extension of himself, not a gender. The child gives joy and disappointment, makes you smile and cry, causes a feeling of pride and sadness. Every day he gives great love. And the gender is not important at all.

"Daddy's" daughters: the role of the father in the life of the daughter

"Daddy's" daughters: the role of the father in the life of the daughter How a woman's personal life will develop depends largely on how her relationship with her father developed. It is believed that, even if unconsciously, women choose those men who remind them of their fathers.

Olya was sent to me by her father. For the second month now she has been crying every day, bored and calls Igor in another city. The father - my colleague, the doctor - asks to heal his daughter from possible depression.

Olya suffers from unrequited love. She selflessly loves Igor, says that she cannot live without him. The history of their relationship is briefly as follows. After the institute, where they studied together, Igor went to work abroad in his specialty. Olya followed him. An influential father helped her find a place in graduate school, though not in her specialty. But she was ready for anything, just to be next to Igor.

Abroad, discord began in their relationship. Once, while still at the institute, Igor confessed his love to Olya, and now, when she left her hometown, her father's house and went after him, he behaved distantly. He was always busy with work, he said that he conducts experiments in his laboratory until 23 o'clock. I played tennis on Sundays. He did not have enough time to meet with Olya. Once, on the occasion of his birthday, Igor invited guests, showed Olya three girls from among them and said that he had slept with each one.

Having reached this point in her story, Olya began to cry loudly. The insult inflicted by Igor on her female pride is from the category of those that are difficult to forget and are rarely forgiven. But she continues to love. Some of her acquaintances sympathize with her, others condemn: they say that she allowed Igor to wipe her feet on her, that she has no pride ...

According to studies, up to adolescence, the absence of
the father does not manifest itself in any way in the behavior of the girls. However, in adolescence there are
certain difficulties in establishing contacts and further
treatment of young people due to excessive idealization
and an unrealistic attitude towards them.

To the origins of the problems

I know Olya's family - quite prosperous. Her father has worked all his life and achieved a lot. He leaves the department with patients only at 9 pm. He is very caring. I had no doubt that a father adored his daughter. And I was surprised to hear from Olya that she not only does not feel warm feelings for her father, but it is hard for her, even impossible, as she put it, to be in the same room with him. When they parted when Olya went abroad, she had to force herself to hug her father goodbye at the airport.

I ask Olya a few questions about her early childhood.

Tell me, do you remember yourself as a little girl sitting on your father's lap?
- No, I do not remember.
- Do you remember his hands, his touch?
“We have a photograph of my father holding my hand, but I don’t remember such feelings at all.
- How did you perceive your father as a child?
- He always seemed to me strict, inaccessible. Like a monument on a pedestal.
- How is Igor now?
- It looks like it is inaccessible and cold.

Let us remember that Olino "looks like".

More life stories

From the story of another woman, married 42-year-old Alevtina: “As a child, I was always angry with my father because he offended my mother. I couldn't express my anger in any way. Now my husband hurts me. My feelings for my husband are exactly the same as I felt for my father. The only difference is that at that time I could not be openly angry with my father, but I pour out everything that I feel on my husband. And it comes to assault. "

The mother of two children, Irina, 29 years old, lives in a marriage with a "difficult" husband who drinks, walks, does not come home for 3 days. Irina tells about her experience of communicating with her father as a child: “My parents separated when I was 2 years old. My father tried to visit me, but my mother prevented it. She was very offended by his adultery. When I went to school, my father sometimes met me on the street, gave me gifts. And my mother later said that he had nothing to do, so he follows me. And he pays off me with gifts, because he feels guilty. "

Why emotional hunger is dangerous

In almost all three destinies with the experience of difficult relationships between women and men, one general pattern can be traced: the father as a warm, caring, loving person with whom a daughter - a little woman - could have a "love affair", was absent. Because of being busy at work (workaholism?), Because of a conflict relationship with a spouse (maybe even domestic violence), or because of adultery and alcohol abuse - it doesn't even matter because of what. It is important that he was emotionally unavailable to his daughter, he was at an emotional distance. Regardless of whether he was at home or not (divorce).

Many fathers do not know the needs of children, the main one of which is love. Perhaps Olya had already forgotten how she tried to fondle her father as a girl, and he either ordered her to go to bed imperatively, or, looking absentmindedly at her daughter's drawing, sent her for a walk, or, referring to being busy, simply asked not to bother him.

One of the most painful feelings of childhood is feeling rejected by those we love. Even in adulthood, such children are afraid of being rejected, abandoned. In the case of Olya, the emotional hunger that was not satisfied in childhood pushes the girl to act strange at first glance - to excessive, painful attachment to her chosen one. The desire to belong to him is so great that the girl even endures insults (high tolerance for abusive behavior).

Psychiatrist R. Campbell notes: a girl's gender identity is approval
herself as a worthy female representative. At the age of 13-15
she must receive recognition of her importance as a future woman,
mainly from the father (approval of her actions, abilities, appearance).

Avenger

Once in the newspaper I came across a small letter from a 22-year-old girl with a very expressive title: “Listen, guys! I hate you!". The author of the letter is a perfect example of the "avenger". She wrote: “Girls and women! Listen to me, I will avenge all of you who have been offended by these unworthy men. I will make the men suffer from love for me. " “I will force” is the favorite word of codependent people. And it will make you.

Before she suffered from her own father. In the letter, she said that her father beat her “until she lost consciousness,” to the “ambulance and hospital” for the mitten she lost in kindergarten. And at the age of 16, her beloved boyfriend also beat her. Her future is the face of codependency called "the beaten wife."

Deprived of her father's attention in childhood, without having achieved success in winning his heart, or, God forbid, being beaten by her father, a woman can become an avenger in all subsequent relationships with a man.

The avenger will seek more and more victims: "I walked over the corpses of fans." Such is revenge for what her father did. Changing admirers brings pleasant excitement (drunkenness?), Uplift and gratification of the vengeful feeling. Stable, long-term, harmonious relationships are not for her. The avenger will find a reason to leave one man for another.

Daughter-rival

“It may seem strange, but my mother was jealous of my father as a child. I couldn’t be alone with him without her expressing her anger. Mom and Dad had a tense relationship. Now I understand that she was seeking attention from him to herself, it was never enough for her that he gave her. She was not satisfied with her marriage, she took out her displeasure on me. Mom seemed to push me out of the house, and I jumped out to get married at the age of 18 ”.

The married life of this woman was unhappy. According to her, her husband turned out to be "the bearer of all vices" - indifferent, mismanaged, he loved "to lie and drink beer." She found herself in an even more difficult situation than those who did not know spiritual closeness with their father. She was emotionally rejected by both her father and mother. Even if not completely rejected, it is still not close. She had bitter feelings for both parents. The reason for her unsuccessful marriage is that she entered adulthood with a sense of her inferiority. “Since I was not loved, it means that I was not worthy of love. How can I be sure that I am worthy now? I am unloved, unattractive. "

Desperate to be convinced of the opposite, to feel loved and desired, she chooses just the man who can least of all give her this. Out of desperation, we rarely make the right choice.

Careerist

“I was unlucky in love, but I achieved a high position at work. I thought I was making a career only because I liked my job. How important is my relationship with my father and mother as a child? Direct. The influence of the parental family on our adult life can be strong and lasting. In particular, a woman who has made a successful career may not have suspected that with her achievements she was striving to achieve what she did not succeed in childhood. Perhaps by this she unconsciously tried to win the love of her parents, their attention, recognition and appreciation, especially from her father. He gave all his attention to work, she wanted to be worthy of him. Hence the desire for careerism - as a motivation to increase self-esteem and, as a result, the hope that men may like it. Somewhere deeply in her is not a thought, but a feeling: "This is what my daddy would like!" Or: "So I proved that I can do a lot!" Such a woman has yet to learn to believe that even without achievements in the profession, men can like her.

To understand is to forgive

So, let's summarize some of the results. What is the reason for this behavior of our heroines? Most often, the roots of the problem come from childhood, from the relationship between parents, family traditions, and also in the inability to give up the heavy burden of disappointments and resentments of the past. Resentment is a bitter, soul-eating feeling. It interferes with building normal relationships.

Being an adult means not only steadfastly withstanding complex, ambivalent feelings, but also being able in the literal sense of the word “to experience” previous losses and disappointments. Otherwise, unearned grievances and losses press, form emotional blockages, in which it is easy to get lost. If these rubble is not understood, they will interfere with living here and now. The human psyche is capable of erasing past events from memory, like erasing words from a blackboard. We will remember what we have erased, but it will no longer hurt us as forcefully as before.

We must remember that the father and mother were living suffering people, they just, like us, did not receive a portion of love from their parents, therefore they loved us with the strength that they were capable of in specific life circumstances. We loved as much as they could. And they did everything in their power for us.

From the point of view of E. Fromm, paternal love in comparison with
maternal - "demanding" love, conditional, which the child
must be earned by meeting certain social
requirements and paternal expectations.

The first step towards harmonizing relations

Want to improve your relationship with your husband? Sometimes this is achieved after we choose a time, a quiet corner and slowly answer ourselves to a series of questions.

• How do I assess my relationship with my father as a child?
• Have I been deprived of my father's love?
• Am I still looking - emotionally - for a father?
• Am I letting my father have flaws, weaknesses?
• What am I looking for in relationships with men - constant attention, recognition?
• Does my relationship with my husband resemble that of a father and mother?
• Am I getting more from my husband than he can give me?
• For what reasons am I angry with my husband?
• Am I playing the role of a little girl to whom my husband should give everything and at the same time not demand anything in return?
• Do I compete with my husband, trying to prove my superiority over him?

When you honestly answer these questions, you will understand that your father is an ordinary person with his weaknesses. And expectations to see an extraordinary father without any flaws were wrong. He loved you. He just did not know how to express this love the way you wanted. And where could he learn this, if such rules also dominated in his family? He is also a child of the family. He learned to love from his parents. Now you.

Instead of auto-training

I am writing these lines and once again reliving my past, discussing with those who can listen to me, including a benevolent, non-judgmental reader. And I come to terms with him, learn to accept the past calmly, as part of my life. I calm down. My soul, which was previously filled with intense painful feelings, is freed. I notice that I am filled with love and acceptance - of my parents, husband, myself, other people with their weaknesses and shortcomings. And I make a discovery: everything that happened was not accidental and made me what I am now. And I say goodbye to the past and hello to the future!

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