This is the cuckoo woman. Cuckoo women: why are there more and more of them? What is a cuckoo when a girl is called that?

I had never been specifically interested in this topic, but I accidentally discovered that among my new acquaintances there were many men raising children on their own. And they are not widowers. The mothers of the children simply left them to their fathers and went to a better life.

This discovery stunned me. No, I understand that there are cuckoos among those who have just given birth; as a rule, these are pregnant mothers or those whose child was born disabled, whom she is not able to support and raise. But I was unable to understand what it was like to give birth, live together, and then go on with my own life, leaving the baby to the father.

In one family, the mother went on a spree. Just like that, she got confused with a young lover, and when her husband put her before a choice - family or boyfriend - she chose love. The child was 7 years old at the time. For three years after the divorce, the mother did not show her eyes, and the boy was terribly sad. His father never married - he simply did not want a stepmother for his boy, although, of course, he did not refuse women. After a while, the mother showed up - at first she started calling timidly, then she came to visit. The child greeted her warily. Now the boy is already 15 years old, he communicates with his mother, but very coolly. She is lonely, dotes on Sasha, sends a lot of money for his support, and is always waiting for a visit.

The second man took away his daughter himself - the cohabitant, 1.5 years after giving birth, began to rapidly become an alcoholic. It was as if the roof had been blown away, as he says, although before that she was an ordinary girl, not a righteous girl, but keeping herself “within boundaries.” Returning from work, the man did not know whether the unlucky mother would be at home or would have to hunt her out again in the yards. The child could scream hungry in his crib or sit in the sandbox while his parent drank vodka with her fellow brats. It couldn't continue like this. He took the child and deprived the mother of her rights. Now the girl is finishing school, her mother doesn’t remember, and no one knows where she lives, whether she’s even alive.

Another single father is raising two teenagers at once. During the divorce, the children wanted to stay with their dad, but their mother was not against it. She visits them, pays alimony, but lives her own life.

Honestly, when I learned all this, I was shocked at first. How could it be that a woman whose natural destiny was to be a mother simply faded into the background, giving way to lust, drinking and other interests? And such cases, as it turned out, are not so few. What are these - the fruits of emancipation or the eternal woman's desire for a better life? The more I think about it, the fewer answers I find. One thing is certain: it’s fortunate that the children of these unlucky mothers turned out to have wonderful fathers. This means that they are right: the best thing a woman can do for her child is to choose the right dad for him. At least the idiots weren't wrong about that.
From a letter to Barbara@

Although, I think many would like to deport such mothers to Honduras

A cuckoo is a bird that throws its eggs into the nests of other birds. This is often colloquially referred to as women who left their children in the care of relatives, friends, or were simply abandoned. The majority believes that only people from socially disadvantaged, marginal strata, who themselves did not grow up in normal conditions, do this. But meanwhile, cuckoos appear in quite prosperous families. Although outwardly all decorum seems to be observed.

Zhanna is a graduate of the pop-jazz department. I always wanted to sing, already in my second year I had my own group, tours, trips, nightclubs. I often fell in love. In her fourth year, the guitarist of the group named Ivan became the object of her passion. According to Zhanna, he did not have such strong love for her. However, Zhanna wanted everything to be the way she saw it - a wedding, “they lived happily ever after,” joint creativity. The wedding worked out. It seemed natural to her to have a child right away. His father was so-so: he often left at night, explaining his absences with work (in part, perhaps this was true), Zhanna rushed after him, leaving the child with his mother. In the sixth year of little Nadya’s life, their marriage began to crack. "Well, of course! - said Jeanne's mother. - Why should he be a good husband? No normal home, and what is one daughter? You should give birth to a boy for him...” And Zhanna gave birth. At first, Ivan began to show more interest in children. But the couple's problems did not disappear. On the contrary, they kept getting worse. Both could not stand it - each began to cheat, and in fact other families appeared. And none of the new families needed small children. Their grandparents replaced their parents. And Zhanna comes on weekends, and even then when she’s not singing.

Most people who encounter such behavior from a woman tend to judge her. But every phenomenon has its own reasons - is it just the heartlessness and spinelessness of the children’s mother? Let's try to analyze why women abandon children.

There are two motifs in the story that are typical for such stories. The first “alarm signal” is marriage, initiated by a woman.

She is focused on conquering a man, she strives to tie him to her by all means. And all her behavior is imbued with one desire - to prove to him that he needs her. As a result, children turn from an object desired by the mother into a means.

Interestingly, in families where parents divorce early and the child remains with the mother, such scenarios almost never arise. The “cuckoo scenario” is activated when the husband is nearby, but remains not attached body and soul to the family. He is like a constant peak that must be conquered, a closed door to which the keys must constantly be picked up. In this way, he keeps the focus on his person - otherwise why would he allow himself to be “ringed”? Often, men of this type who are not mature enough internally prefer to be chosen. After all, on the one hand, they can then shift the lion’s share of responsibility onto the woman (it was her initiative!), on the other hand, they can, with the help of their insufficient openness and internal “inaccessibility,” satisfy the narcissistic desire to constantly be the center of attention of another person. They draw on the woman’s strength and thereby contribute to the abandonment of children.

A woman, confident that her husband chose her consciously, after the birth of a child, is immersed in maternal experiences, which lay the foundation for her future attachment to the child. And even if the lack of attention from a spouse causes conflicts in the family, the problems are generally surmountable.

Here the situation is different: the “eternally unavailable” husband actually prevents the mother from concentrating on the child, constantly provoking her to jealousy and worries, that is, in every possible way pulling off the woman’s emotions. She, in turn, feels that her husband is the weak link in her life, that he is still not convinced of her need. Meanwhile, the child can be postponed “for later” - after all, the mother can have no doubt about her need for the child! And the connection between them is becoming more and more conditional. Especially when the mother’s place is taken by the grandmother - and this is the second important factor in the “cuckoo scenario”.

Elena, 35 years old, has an 11-year-old daughter. The daughter lives with her grandparents, and Elena’s younger sister and her family also live in the same apartment. Elena's story: “Mom always knew what was best, what should be done and how. When my first husband and I got married and our daughter was born, my mother constantly interfered with her advice, criticized, and when I refused to behave in the way that seemed right to her, she made a scene. This was especially true for raising my daughter. My mother constantly believed that I “don’t understand,” “I can’t,” “I can’t handle it.” And in the end I was just tired of fighting with her. I may be weak-willed, but it’s easier for me to listen to reproaches once a week when I come to see my daughter than every day. In addition, there is another child in the house - she has someone to play with, and I earn money without interference to support her.”

A strong, domineering mother, even if she does not reproach, but simply constantly worries about her daughter and constantly strives to lend a shoulder, is also a risk factor. This is a whole skill - helping your child become an adult, and in order for this to happen, you need to be able to let him make his mistakes, bear responsibility and cope with failures. Those mothers who do not understand this well, as a rule, develop in their daughters the feeling that there is always someone behind their back, there is always someone to shift responsibility to. And therefore you don’t have to grow up. In order for the maternal instinct to turn on in a daughter, it must be freed from the pressure of the mother’s instinct.

I often observed situations where women, in the presence of such domineering mothers, although they did not abandon their children, were unable to establish relationships with them. They had no authority in the eyes of children; they could not explain anything to children. The child feels that his own mother is perceived by someone stronger, approximately on the same level as him, the child. And therefore the mother-child relationship does not work out.

By leaving her child, a woman subconsciously seeks to solve two problems: she turns off the mother’s obsessive attention from herself and gets rid of a mission for which she was initially unprepared due to her too close connection with her mother. Thus, it is as if she gives herself a second chance to grow up, although this happens, alas, at the expense of the child’s distorted childhood. And therefore, before making a decision about children, it is not a bad idea to think again: who will this child be for you, is he a goal or a means, and how mature and independent are we, his parents?

During World War II, the Nazis conducted such an experiment on children. First, they selected completely healthy physically and mentally men and women. At the same time, they made sure that they did not have hereditary diseases.

Twenty children born to these parents were taken away from their mothers immediately after their birth and began to be raised in a special orphanage. The Nazis sought to create superhumans of a “pure” race.

From the reports of educators who took part “in raising people of a new race,” it turned out that all 20 children were severely retarded in development. These children did not play, were sad and depressed, showed no interest in the world around them, sucked their fingers, learned to speak late, and acquired neatness skills only after five years. Some children were judged to be "idiots."

What happened? Why didn’t children who were born genetically healthy, eat well and live in excellent conditions become cheerful, mischievous toddlers? What are the reasons for the delay in their mental development?

The answer turned out to be simple. Without maternal warmth, without human communication, a full-fledged personality cannot be formed. Sleep, food and care are not all that a child needs in order to become a person. The baby needs to feel sincere care and participation, hear the sounds of a voice addressed to him, see the smile of an adult, look into his eyes, talk to him, sing to him, stroke him.

The same picture - developmental delay in children - arose in orphanages in the USA and European countries. The baby stopped smiling, often cried, lost his appetite, his gaze was fixed on one point, his movements became slower, the life in him gradually extinguished. What's the matter? They started feeding him better, but it didn’t help. They thought it was an infection. The children were isolated from each other. But what happened next? The number of diseases has increased sharply. Only after this did they notice that the symptoms of the disease resembled melancholy and sadness, the suffering experienced by a person who has lost a loved one. This disease was called hospitalism.

A very small child is not a biological toy, but a person suffering without communication, without the affection and care of his mother.

One of the nannies at the orphanage learned how to treat the disease. She quickly cured the most hopeless babies. She did it very simply - she tied the child to herself and did not part with him for a minute. Whether he works or sleeps, the baby is always nearby. The sick child gradually came to life like a withered bud...

It turned out that the most dangerous and vulnerable age for the disease is 6-12 months. Communication with the mother during this period brings the child a lot of positive, joyful experiences. During this period, under no circumstances should the child be deprived of communication with his mother. And if the mother is very busy, she should be replaced by a loved one who will constantly communicate with the child. Deprived of warm human communication, the baby falls into depression, and his personality is traumatized. And not only the personality. His mental development slows down.

The worst thing is that a child who has a severe form of hospitalization cannot be completely cured. The wound that a person receives heals, but the scar remains for life.

In America, observations were made of 38 adults who suffered from hospitalization in childhood. Only seven of them were able to adapt well to life and become ordinary, normal people. The rest had various mental defects.

The bond between mother and child is the strongest human bond. The more complex a living organism is, the longer it depends on its mother. A baby cannot develop without such a connection with his mother; interrupting it too early can become a threat to the child’s life. To live, it is not enough for a human child to simply eat, drink, sleep, and be warm; he needs a connection with his mother.

What do the behavior of mother and bird have in common? The cuckoo places its eggs with unhatched chicks in other people's nests. Mother cuckoo also shifts the care of her own child to someone else - to a grandmother or nanny.

There may be several reasons for this behavior:

• the need to work hard so as not to lose your usual income;
• the need to study in order to obtain an education;
• unplanned arrival of a baby;
• career and ambitious professional plans for the future;
• the birth of a child is a concession to the husband’s desire to have children;
• a child is only a means of keeping a partner in marriage or a way to force a man to marry;
• the opinion that any woman can perfectly replace a mother;
• reluctance to deal with diapers and onesies;
• selfishness;
• the opinion that a child needs only food and care to grow;
• ignorance of the elementary laws of child development.

You may object: there is nothing special about the fact that the mother is busy and someone else has taken care of the baby. Perhaps it is unfair to consider a woman who works after giving birth as a cuckoo abandoning her chick? Of course, every family, without prompting, decides how to raise a child and who will raise the newborn. But if the question of who will earn money and who will raise the child is resolved before the baby is born, the whole family will win.

After all, it will be better for both the baby and his mother if they are close, if the mother takes a break in her affairs and fills it only with caring for the new baby.

The mother, who is in no hurry, bends over the calmly sleeping baby, and the baby, who feels the mother’s breath and gentle smile. It's a perfect picture, isn't it?

Another question arises: is there any reason to worry about the full mental development of a newly born baby or a 2-4 month old baby? After all, the child does not understand anything yet; only after 7-8 months will he begin to understand and pronounce his first words. Maybe at first the mother will mind her own business, and then raise the growing child?

For a long time, both parents and educators believed that a newborn “doesn’t understand anything,” until scientists paid attention to such a phenomenon as hospitalism.

Scientists have come to the conclusion that upbringing should be done from the first days of a child’s life. A smile, kind words, touching the baby’s body - this creates an elusive and such an important form of education, which is called direct emotional communication with the child.

It turned out that for full mental development from the first days of life, a child needs communication; communication brings the baby a feeling of emotional well-being, warmth and comfort in the new world.

What to do in advance:

1. So that the child does not become an obstacle on your life path, does not cause irritation and annoyance, give birth to him at the right time for you. Organize your life so that you are not distracted by doubts “to give birth or not,” exams, career, professional tasks.
2. Get ready for childbirth, for the arrival of a new person in your life who you need to take care of, spending almost all your time. Avoid any stress, do not get involved in quarrels and conflicts at work, with friends and loved ones.
3. Accept a child as a gift from fate: with exactly this appearance and of this gender. Put all your affairs aside for a while, and with joy and pleasure devote your life to caring for your child in the first years of his life. Remember that in the first days, months, years of life, emotions, the ability to communicate, and human contact, especially with mom, develop most actively.
4. Don’t rush to send your baby to a nursery, remember how much he needs his mother’s warmth and love. Do not hand over the child to someone else's care, do not leave him alone.
5. When the child takes up most of your time, do not forget about your husband, remember that it is not easy for him either. Involve dad in the process of caring for the baby as early as possible; watch the father’s interactions with the child with joy and without jealousy.
6. Analyze your relationship with your parents as a child. If you think they made mistakes, don't automatically transfer them to your relationship with your child.
7. You should review your educational tactics from time to time to notice errors in them and, if necessary, correct them.
8. When raising a child, take into account the characteristics of his temperament, character, and personality. Don’t try to artificially speed up the child’s development, don’t rush into such an important matter, everything has its time.
9. Communicate as often as possible, play with the child and his friends, sympathize with the baby’s experiences and at the same time try to do without excessive care and concern.
10. Learn to notice changes in your child's behavior:

• Bad mood;
• tearfulness;
• psychological discomfort and nervousness;
• the appearance of anxiety and fears;
• excessive touchiness;
• moodiness;
• fatigue;
• sleep or appetite disorder.

Understand the reasons for the child’s behavior changes together with your spouse, but without shouting, insults or reproaches.

The woman begins to actively manipulate the man, his relatives, and her own relatives in order to use the latter to raise her child. There is no need, I think, to argue that women are just as much hedonists as men. And after the birth of a child, this manifests itself in an acute form. And where did the reasonable woman go, whom the man married to start a family? No one knows..

A woman turns into a typical “cuckoo” who does not want to fulfill her parental responsibility to support and raise a child, but wants to live for her own pleasure. She begins to manipulate her hopeless fatigue and lack of sleep in order to force the man to do what she doesn’t want to do. Screams, scandals, reproaches against the man begin, that he is a bad father, that he is not taking care of his child! She fulfilled her duty, gave birth to a child, defeated the maternal instinct until the next phase and that’s it! Now comes the time for manipulation! As soon as the “cuckoo” has a child, she immediately tries to throw him “off her tail” and get him out of the “nest” somewhere far away, to her friends, to the cinema, to the shops, or anywhere, as long as she is away from the “nest”, completely forgetting that she woman-mother, and not just a woman. And you can throw off the “chick” to the “nests” of grandparents, which is also very good! Some manage to drop off their child to neighbors so they can run off to a corporate event.

But the woman allegedly gave birth “for herself,” and not for the man, not for him, not for her relatives. That means she must educate herself! This is, first and foremost, a woman’s desire to give birth to a child. And a whim always follows responsibility. But for some reason, a woman gives birth “for herself,” fulfilling her whim, but wants others to raise her. This causes some kind of dissonance. That is, you need to give birth to a child so that grandparents, who are not grandparents by age, who are still working, will take care of it, and ruin everyone’s normal, measured life. Including ruining the life of your man, who will listen every evening that he does not take care of the child, does not bathe him, does not walk with him, comes home late, and does not even know how to feed the child. These are the “cuckoos” they are! A common female manipulation to create comfortable conditions for her beloved. Try a little and then do nothing. “3 years of hard work - 10,000 years of happiness.” It is advisable to throw off ALL responsibilities for the man and relatives. Do not work yourself, but tell the man that he “brings little money,” do not bathe the child yourself, but say that he does not bathe, breastfeed and tell the man that he does not know how to feed the child. Can a man breastfeed a child, in addition to the fact that he works for the family, and in the evening after work he bathes the child and plays with him?

You just need to become a mother before conceiving a child, so that after his birth you do not become a “cuckoo”. And you need to give birth to a child consciously, so as not to dump on anyone your direct responsibilities for raising and supporting the child, motivating this with anything other than your own laziness, irresponsibility and lack of desire to do what is provided by law. And let’s not forget that we shape our child only by our own example. And if a child has a “cuckoo” mother, then in the future only a parasite will grow out of him.

Cuckoo women

When they say about a man: “Eagle”, and about a woman: “Magpie”, we receive a sufficiently large amount of information to understand what kind of person is in front of us and what kind of character he has. We constantly compare the human world with the natural world. Comparisons of people with animals and birds are especially frequent. This comparison establishes the internal connection of the entire “God-created world.”
We are not at all surprised when, in a conversation about someone, this person is compared to an animal or a bird. We fully understand what kind of character a person is telling us about.
Let me give you a few similar characteristics.
MEN. Lion, Wolf, Hare, Bear (connecting rod), Skunk, Snake (tempter), Crucian carp, Peacock, Falcon, Rooster, Pigeon, Black grouse (deaf), Spider.
WOMEN. Dove, Bee, Swallow, Crow, Chicken (wet), Waxwing, Magpie, Cuckoo, Shark, Tigress, Snake, Fox, Wolf, Toad, Turtle.
It is clear that both lists can be continued.
We are only able to love someone in whom we feel individuality. This applies not only to animals, but also to people. But what if it is only the deepest alienation that prevents us from discerning the individuality of creatures such as fish or birds? Or even insects? Buddhists believe that all living things have individuality. At the biological level, science confirms their religious views: every living creature is unique. But between man and animal there is a barrier of misunderstanding that we seem unable to overcome. We have built similar barriers even between people of different nationalities, cultures, religions, and worldviews. What can we say about the barrier between man and animal... And yet these barriers are surmountable.
Christian dogmas say that animals do not have souls. But saints of all faiths - both Sergius of Radonezh and Francis of Assisi - talked with birds and animals as freely as with people. A person's ability to overcome alienation is limitless, and those who communicate a lot with animals and feel sincere affection for them sooner or later begin to feel their individuality. Pigeon keepers not only distinguish their pigeons, but know the character of each one. And the pigeons return to their hands. Ichthyologists in aquariums eventually distinguish fish in a school of fish, and the fish cease to be afraid of these particular people. Why is this happening? There is no rational explanation for this, but all these are not legends, but true stories.
Perhaps our ability to spiritualize animals depends only on our capacity for love. And nothing more.

I'll tell you how I see the Cuckoo bird.

Known among birds as a fortune teller. Gild her paw, ask her nicely, and she will loudly and clearly count down the years you are supposed to live in this world.
An unenviable, modest bird. Likes to hide from prying eyes in thickets of leaves. Has a tendency (a common female defect) to spoil the bones of her neighbors.
“Who is this magpie constantly wagging its tail at,” she whispers in the crow’s ear, “is it not this plucked rook?” Has a husband, children, and does such things. Ugh!
The cuckoo, as a rule, does not have a permanent husband or children. Or rather, she has children, but until her gray hair, she considers herself a modest girl.
“Children are horror,” she says, “the screaming, the diapers, they make your head spin.”
And with a clear conscience he throws the children into the nests of childless crows and other kind-hearted birds. It happens that on principle he does not take the child from the maternity hospital.
- Why should I fool with him? Let the state educate,” she says.
In old age, with low income and a small pension, he searches for his children and brings them to court:
- Pay the old mother, you bitches, that is, my children. You have neither shame nor conscience...
The poor cuckoos pay. The court obliges.
This is how cuckoos live - they give birth to children and abandon them.