How to find a common language with a teenage son. How to find a common language with a teenager? Gadgets come to the rescue

How to find a common language with a teenager: 10 tips A wise proverb rephrased in a modern way says: “Small children - little worries. Children will become big - they will become big and worries ... ”Unfortunately, this saying does not say anything about adolescents - a special category of society with their own, often only they understand, principles and outlook on life. Any parent will attest that parenting a teenager is not an easy task. In this case, the main thing is to be able to find a common language with a teenager, then the approach to it will not be so difficult. But how to do that? Indeed, due to youthful maximalism, adolescent children do not like when older family members give them advice, and speaking in the language of adolescents themselves, they "read morals" and "teach them how to live." Being in adolescence, a person is sure that he himself knows everything perfectly and understands life no worse than adults. Therefore, often the answer to an attempt to talk is irritation, rude behavior, rudeness, actions contrary to parental will. Psychologists associate this behavior with the restructuring of the psyche and the general development of the body. The teenager has not yet formed as a person, does not have much life experience, does not know how to control his own emotions. This is where the eternal problem of "fathers and children" follows. Many parents miss the critical moment when, yesterday, an affectionate and obedient child had already gotten out of control today and placed parental authority somewhere far into the background. Some deliberately “let go” of an unpleasant situation, operating with the fact that they are unable to cope with the difficulties of adolescence. But this is a dangerous moment, because in the relationship between parents and a child, the most important thing is lost - trust. This can not only leave an indelible mark on relationships in the future, but also protect parents from everything that happens to their son (daughter) outside the family. But a child can contact a bad company, and the acquisition of bad habits such as smoking or drinking is perhaps the most harmless thing that can happen. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from worries and insomnia, and the child from the “crooked” path, you need to return (or, finally, achieve) a trusting relationship with the teenager. How to do it? Psychologists advise the following: 1. Do not demand unquestioning obedience from a teenager - it is time to realize that the child has grown up and has become almost an adult, independent person! 2. Treat some "liberties" with understanding, such as being fond of fashionable music or clothing style. Remember, a teenager needs understanding, and if he does not find it in his native walls, he will go in search of among the companies of his peers. The consequences can be unpredictable. On the contrary, show a sincere interest in new hobbies, naturally ask what the child likes, with whom he is friends, how he relates to certain things. Then, perhaps, your child, going to a rapper party, will not lie to you that he is going to a friend to watch a DVD. 3. Don't blame your child for treating elders with less respect. In no case should you stoop to insults. 4. Communicate more often. Tell your teenager about your youth, hobbies, fears inherent in you then. You will see that there will be more warmth in the relationship! As a rule, at puberty, children begin to recognize the authority of only the people they have chosen. If you manage to become one of them, consider that the problems in the relationship with the child are gone! And for this, again, it will not be superfluous to remember yourself like that from 12 years old, and analyze how to behave in order to become “your boyfriend” for a teenager. 5. Encourage the child to become independent, while patiently explaining that being independent means not only being able to make decisions, but also being responsible for those decisions. After all, what kind of "adult" life is this, if there is a complete decline in school, and the troubles that a child begins to get into with enviable regularity are "cleared up" by his parents for him? Bring this to your child's attention, it works - tested! 6. Very often adolescence and growing up are accompanied by depression. Here it is important to keep the situation under control so that in case of prolonged depression, in time to contact a psychologist who will help the teenager cope with this condition. 7. Being tactful in dealing with your teenager, at the same time, do not let him sit on your neck. He must understand that parents must be respected, and their opinion must be taken into account! Therefore, in some cases, you should be tough. For example, control that in the evenings the child returns home no later than the agreed time. Do not allow the child to be rude to you - suppress the bursts of teenage rudeness decisively and in the bud! If this does not work, try to show your child that you are upset by his disrespect for you. One of these two methods should definitely work. Remember, at this tender age, the main goal in the life of a teenager is the desire to assert himself. And the main thing is to carefully direct him on the right path, but so as not to “break” his own “I” of an almost adult person. To prove to the child how to behave, how to act and what to strive for, you can only by your own example. Therefore, you should not dwell only on the child and the changes in him. Improve yourself, develop, find something to your liking, in the end, make you become interesting to the child, so that, in turn, he becomes interested, what has changed in you and what it is connected with. 8. Walk with him by the hand. Figuratively, of course. If he adopted a funny and unusual style of clothing, accept it, buy things with him. Walking along the same road with it, it will be easier for you to gently guide it on the next turn. Otherwise, the teenager will simply hide everything from you and lie to you. Or you suppress it with your strength. 9. Show interest. Ask why he listens to this kind of music, why he dresses like that, what they discuss about what they like to do together. Don't judge, just quietly enter his new world. Perhaps he will kick, but over time, when he realizes that you are not an enemy and will not bother him and shower him with inhibitions, he will open up to you. 10. Do not give up if communication with your child has ceased to be the way you would like. After all, adolescence is just a period that will end soon. And if the parents have enough wisdom, patience and endurance to understand, accept and love the child as he is, then soon you will see in front of you not a teenage monster, but your old child - a little matured, becoming more independent and judicious, but the same loving and beloved ...

Tantrums, tears, actions to the detriment of oneself and others. Underestimated parental authority, dubious companies ... Almost every child goes through this period, which adults from generation to generation call a “difficult age”. But for whom is it difficult in the first place? Why is there a crisis in the relationship between parents and children in seemingly prosperous families? And how to get communication with a teenager back on track? About this and many other things - in a conversation with psychologist Sergei Zhadko.

Huffpost.com

Sergey Alexandrovich, first, let's figure out who they are - difficult teenagers? Guys who stumbled in life, committed a crime? Or are they just schoolchildren who do not get along well with others - classmates, teachers, parents?

In fact, this definition fits all children whose behavior goes beyond the generally accepted boundaries of "positive boy" or "positive girl". The synonym for “difficult” in this case is inconvenient. As an option - misunderstood, rejected.

We also call the aggressive child “difficult”. And we prefer not to think about the fact that any aggression is the result of some kind of internal tension. Or a reaction to dislike. First of all, by the parents.

On the other hand, the situation when a child becomes the only meaning of life (as is often the case with mothers who are forced to raise children without the participation of fathers), also does not contribute to the formation of a responsible, harmonious personality. A spoiled child has exactly the same chances of becoming a difficult teenager as a child “abandoned” by parents.

You need to clearly understand: teenagers do not become difficult just like that, because they have it in their genes. No, their anger, remoteness from mother and father, unwillingness to accept as a given the stereotypes of behavior imposed on them, the desire to rebel against the rules - all this is a consequence of some mistakes in upbringing. Moreover, mistakes that date back to the wrong month or year when the father and mother realized that a conflict with the child was ripe in the family, but almost from the moment of the conception of their son or daughter. It is not for nothing that they say that temperament is inherited to us, and character is laid from childhood. Mainly because of the environment in which we move and the communication that our parents teach us. Unfortunately, this is how the world works: we pass exams at school, at the university, for a driver's license, we constantly prove our professional suitability and improve our qualifications. But no one asks us to prove that we deserve to be parents and will be able to raise harmonious children.

The tendency of recent times is alarming: more and more often children from so-called prosperous families, whom for the time being have not been called “difficult”, are becoming involved in high-profile criminal cases.

You know, the modern concept of “a prosperous family” is too vague in our country. We most often judge the atmosphere in which a child lives by some external signs: order and prosperity in the house, a refrigerator full of food, parents respected among their friends. Meanwhile, as you know, the rich also cry. And behind the veneer, exposed, there is often drama hidden - for example, a long-term conflict of generations, gaining momentum every year and leading to an unpredictable ending.

Therefore, as a psychologist, another definition is much closer to me - “a healthy family”. Healthy not only physically, but also spiritually. After all, not always good food, washed clothes and the presence of the latest smartphone model in a child means that he or she lives in a positive environment. Just like the absence of curtains on the windows or traces of cleaning in the apartment, not in every case indicates that parents do not pay due attention to their children. The best litmus test for such cases is adolescent behavior. Between a cheerful, cheerful, open, sociable child and healthy family relationships, you can confidently put an equal sign. Introverted, unsociable, aggressive teen - look for family drama.

- What do teenagers' parents most often complain about today?

The same thing that their great-grandfathers, grandfathers and fathers complained about in their time: “The child does not respect me. I have lost my credibility. My opinion for a son or daughter is nothing. He or she completely got out of hand ... ”What is indicative - almost every parent who comes to a consultation with such complaints is sure: the problem is in the child. Transitional age, the influence of peers. And every father or every mother has to be convinced: the problem is, first of all, in the parents. Children copy the behavior of adults only in their own way. Everything that happens to them is a consequence of my mother's and father's “creativity”.

The loss of authority does not happen all of a sudden either. The fact is that many, even the most wonderful, fathers and mothers (from their point of view) limit their parenting responsibilities to a certain set of stamps: feeding, dressing, shoeing a child, regularly checking his diary, helping with homework, and enrolling in a circle. .. But communication with children, like communication with a spouse, presupposes daily personal development. At some point, the child ceases to be interested in the radio-controlled helicopter, with which he played so enthusiastically with his dad. The growing son has other hobbies, which, in turn, are incomprehensible to either the mother or the father. They do not understand modern music, youth fashion, literature that teenagers read today. They do not know how to sensibly explain what is good and what is bad, how to behave to a son with a girl he likes, and a daughter with a boy. They have remained at the same level as five, ten, fifteen years ago. And gradually they lost their once strong positions in the eyes of children. This is why many teenagers choose to trust their secrets to friends or social media rather than their parents. Trying to somehow attract attention to themselves, they begin to smoke, dress provocatively, adhere to dubious subcultures, and are insolent to their elders.

No matter how cruel it may sound, teenage suicides, like teenage crimes, are always a consequence of parental indifference, inability or unwillingness to lend a helping hand to their child in time, to ask about their affairs and listen carefully to the stream of revelations.

It is believed that during puberty, girls become closer to their mothers and no longer need their fathers so much. But boys 13-17 years old need paternal attention much more.

This is one of the most common parenting misconceptions. Many fathers of girls who have reached puberty (12-16 years old) seem to be removed from their upbringing, believing that the stage of transformation of a daughter from a girl into a girl is entirely on the conscience of the wife. Dads are uncomfortable with yesterday's "babies", they are embarrassed by this suddenly manifested femininity, they are already jealous of their daughters for their future chosen ones. And they go headlong into work, their own hobbies, only occasionally taking an interest in the school success of their child. Or they begin to pay increased attention to the youngest child in the family. But the problem is that it is on the relationship between father and daughter that the foundation of her future relationships with men is built. Therefore, dad's attention, care, tenderness, support are simply necessary for a daughter at this age. It is no secret that many things concerning relationships with the opposite sex, fathers can explain to their daughters much more intelligibly than mothers.

The same goes for a woman's participation in the life of her teenage son. It is clear that there will be constraint and some gender conflict. But an adult sensible woman should turn this situation in such a way that her son sees in her a real companion, always ready to help with advice and a kind word.

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TIPS FOR PARENTS

Learn to listen, understand, accept and acknowledge your child. Avoid hackneyed phrases and don't compare him to other peers. You are more likely to make your teen ignore you if your voice clearly contains criticism, orders, lectures, condemnation, shouting, and pleading. Just speak to him politely - as you would like to be spoken to you. And no insults or ridicule!

Do not abuse punishments and prohibitions, do not set conditions, do not immediately demand ideal behavior. Introduce complex changes in the daily routine, in the child's society, in his leisure time.

Find the positive qualities of a teenager (love for animals, passion for sports, music, dancing) and use them correctly, giving feasible tasks and developing a positive perception of the world. Believe in your child and support him if you see that he is sincerely trying to change. It is very important for a difficult teenager to feel the joy of success. This is the greatest incentive for self-improvement.

Love and take care of your children. Create conditions for them to learn and develop (physically, intellectually, spiritually), to become free, responsible, creative and independent people who know what they live for.

It has been proved by psychologists that the most difficult period of a child's development is adolescence. It should be noted that such an opinion is far from unfounded, especially when it comes to communication. Indeed, sometimes even talking with a teenager about the weather is very difficult, let alone a discussion on more acute topics. However, as they say, there is a way out even from the most hopeless situations, and it is also possible to find a common language with a teenager.

Why and why?

The transitional age is a difficult period of life, first of all for the child, and not for his parents. This is what we must not forget. After all, it is he who has to form his personal opinion, while being on the verge of a foul. From the point of view of psychologists and psychiatrists, every teenager has a pronounced (more or less) nervous system disorder. But in most cases, it is the "norm." Of course, a certain aggressiveness, unpredictability and detachment of the child can alert parents. But with care, patience, support, and sometimes perseverance, they can help a teenager to successfully adapt in society.

Of course, you don't need to reinvent the wheel. Sometimes the child begins to resist any request, any desire of the parents. He goes against everything, regardless of whether he wants it or not. This is how a teenager tries to assert himself, to realize his “I”. Certainly what he does not want to hear from his parents is moral teachings and instructions. That is why communication with peers is often preferred to parental rhetoric. Therefore, the first and foremost rule for a caring parent is to become a reliable friend to a child.

Becoming a true friend of a child can only be through heart-to-heart conversations, and the relationship should be on an equal footing. So that the teenager does not begin to look for understanding on the side, in no case should parents withdraw themselves from the problems that arise. The snail strategy will not lead to anything good.

But it is not worthwhile to constantly crawl into the child's soul, controlling his every step. Nobody canceled personal space, it is necessary for everyone, and even more so for a teenager. Any person must fill a certain number of bumps, there is no getting away from this. The only thing that needs to be vigilantly monitored so that the interests of the child do not harm his health.

In order to choose the most correct tactics of behavior, parents need to evaluate their manner of communication from the outside, to put themselves, no matter how trite it may sound, in the child's place. If the question: "Would I like to have such" ancestors "?" - the parents have an affirmative answer, congratulations, everything is going as it should. The absence of an edifying, patronizing tone, interrogations, teachings, reading morals will make parental society for a teenager not boring.

In the end, the transitional stage of the child's life will end quickly, and in order for him to pass without a trace for family relations, you need to maintain warm, friendly relations with the teenager, love and understand him.

Learn how to communicate with your child at his "difficult" age

"Difficult" in children is usually called the age from about 12-13 to 16-17 years. It is at this age that your affectionate, kind and sympathetic child seems to be substituted for an evil and prickly creature that is hysterical, scandalous and does everything the other way around. So what is the reason and how to deal with it?

Psychologists say - no way. This period must simply be experienced as a natural disaster. However, its unfortunate consequence can be the loss of trust on the part of the child and a good relationship with him forever. To prevent this from happening, it is important once again not to succumb to emotions and behave correctly and wisely.

1. Remember that at this age your child seems to be "carrying" his own emerging personality. He is nervous and needs careful handling. In this situation, parents should show first and foremost concern and support.

2. Every teenager, from the point of view of psychology, is a person with a "borderline" psyche. This means that a more or less pronounced disorder of the nervous system is the norm in most cases.

3. Make sure that the child has the opportunity to be alone for a certain amount of time (alone in the apartment at the time of your departure, alone in his room after school, etc.). Believe me, if a teenager is never alone for a second, he will gradually explode ("explosion" is, accordingly, hysteria).

4. Remember also that his room is his territory. Outside of it, anything can happen and be decided, but in his room his laws must operate.

Note to parents: the state of a teenager's room is the state of his soul. Strict order - he is pedantic and accurate, serious and attentive. Complete chaos - he is in a creative or emotional search. Constantly different state of affairs - a teenager is a versatile personality and cannot stop at one thing.

5. A certain degree of freedom is necessary for a teenager, no less than the opportunity is sometimes found alone. Nothing should alert parents more (in terms of the child's healthy mental development) than the teenager's lack of need for freedom of action and speech.

6. Aggression of a teenager aimed at others is a reflection of subconscious aggression towards oneself, just as love for others is impossible without love and respect for one's own self. These feelings are formed in a growing person under the influence of parental emotions in relation to him.

In fact, it is the parents who are the root cause of child aggression, one way or another forming in the child a persistent feeling of guilt and doubts about his own worth due to the lack of support and attention. Feelings of guilt are devastating for both children and parents.

As a conclusion, we suggest that parents learn 4 basic rules for communicating with a teenage child:

Don't lecture. You have 60 seconds before the child's attention goes off.

Keep your ears open. Listen calmly, do not interrupt the teenager with your remarks. Instead, ask short follow-up questions such as “Why do you think she said that?” Or “What do you think about this?” To show that you are listening carefully and better understand his emotions.

Use body language. You may appear pissed off even when you are not. Do not stand over your teenager when he is sitting, and do not fold your arms at your hips.

Have family dinners. Children who regularly spend time with their family are less likely to get into trouble and do better in school. Besides, however, your child needs you.

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