How to let go of a person from thoughts. How to release correctly? Understand that you are already a self-sufficient person. Are there ways to painlessly get rid of unnecessary thoughts about a person
Almost all of us have had to let go of a loved one at least once in our lives. This is always a difficult and painful process. To pass through it, the soul has to work. A person who has managed to let go of a loved one grows internally, becomes stronger and wiser.
You have to let go:
- when you love, but he (a) - no;
- when you cannot satisfy very important needs in these relationships (for example, your partner is not ready to open up and build close, warm relationships, but you need it);
- when your goals, values and views on relationships do not coincide, and therefore you cannot build a joint future (for example, for him (her) career is in the first place, and for you - the birth of a child; he (she) is more comfortable in a guest marriage , and you need a traditional family);
- when a relationship destroys you (for example, a relationship with an addict who is not ready to part with his addiction).
To let go, you have to want to do it. Clients often come to me with such a request, but in fact they do not want to let go, but get away from the pain. In this case, you want to drown out the pain in any way. Of course, the ideal option is to return a loved one, and if this is impossible, then let go. In this case, the person begins to swing on the emotional swing of hopes and disappointments, then trying to return, then pushing away the partner, and the situation does not change.
Besides, fears often interfere with letting go(fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of losing control, etc.). You can and should work with fears. As long as they live in you, they rule your life. When you work them out, you yourself will begin to manage what is happening in your life.
The true movement towards letting go begins when a person admits his powerlessness in the face of the current situation and realizes that he has done everything he could and can do nothing more. In this case, letting go becomes the only possible path.
If you have not yet come to this understanding, then act, try, be aware, live what you have not yet lived - so that there is no doubt that you have exhausted everything that is possible, trying to maintain the relationship, but did not get the desired result.
To let go, you have to forgive your grievances and give up your expectations.... It is grievances and expectations that, like a rope, tie you to the one you love, causing pain.
Yes, you expected that you would be happy with this particular person, that he would satisfy all your needs, but this did not happen. You were wrong, expecting from him what he could not give you. Accept that, and that no one has to live up to your expectations.
Resentment arises from unfulfilled expectations. The grievances that live inside destroy you, so you need to forgive the one who, willingly or unwittingly, hurt you. And this must be done for the sake of your mental and physical well-being.
Negative emotions come out through tears, physical activity, they can be prescribed. There are various techniques for working with grievances (an angry letter, a letter of grievance, a letter of forgiveness, art therapy methods, visualization, etc.). You can work with grievances on your own, but it is more effective to do this together with a counseling psychologist.
It is also important to learn all the lessons from what happened. In a relationship, two are always involved, and each contributes 50%. Realize your responsibility for what happened, and understand what you did not do or did wrong. This work is necessary in order not to repeat old mistakes in new relationships. Knowing why life has taught you such a lesson will make it easier for you to forgive. Perhaps you suddenly realize that there is nothing to forgive, it’s just that you could not understand something very important for yourself in another way.
When letting go, one has to go through a period of residence of the loss, which includes several stages and takes on average from 6 to 14 months. Emotional ties are not broken in one day, it takes time and effort. It is important not to get stuck at any stage. If you feel that, having entered some kind of negative emotional state, you remain in it for a long time, then it is better to consult a specialist.
When you work through resentments and expectations, your love will become unconditional, and this will mean that you have let go. You no longer expect anything from your loved one, you do not blame him for anything, which means there is no pain, there is only warmth and a wish for his happiness.
Let go, i.e. to complete the relationship, it is necessary in order to be completely open to meeting a new person. If you do this, you will no longer look at the new partner through the prism of previous relationships, but you will be able to accept him as he is, trust him and let him into your heart.
“Some people see persistence and holding onto something as a sign of great strength. However, there are times when it takes a lot more will to figure out when to let go and then do it. "
- Ann Landers
Letting go of something or someone does not mean that we no longer care about them. It just comes to the realization that the only thing we can really control is ourselves, right here, right now. It is a necessary process of adapting to the ever-changing realities of life - leaving the past behind in order to make way for the present.
Collected here are 50 quotes from various articles to help you let go and start living happily.
1. As we grow older and wiser, we begin to understand what we need and what we need to leave behind. Sometimes leaving is a step forward.
2. You will never achieve what you are capable of if you are too attached to the things that have to let go.
3. Sometimes something appears in our life that should not be delayed. Sometimes unwanted changes are changes necessary for our growth.
4. Growth and change can sometimes be painful, but the most painful thing in life is being out of place.
5. The hardest part of growing up is letting go of what you are used to and moving on with something new.
6. Accept what is, let go of what was, and believe in what may be.
7. Don't be afraid of change. There is a reason for everything. Deal with it. It won't be easy, but it's worth it.
9. Never let fear determine your future.
10. Fear is just a figment of your imagination. It can be difficult to make up your mind to follow your heart, but you are making a huge mistake by letting false fears stop you.
11. You can't wait forever for the perfect moment. Sometimes you have to let go of doubts and take risks, because life is too short to wonder what might have been.
12. You are not the same person as you were a year ago, last month, or that week. You are constantly evolving. Nothing stands still. That is life.
13. One of the most enjoyable moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.
14. You should never force things. Do whatever is required of you and let life take its course. If something has to happen, it will. Do not attach yourself to what you cannot control.
15. When you stop expecting people and events to be perfect, you can begin to appreciate them for what they are.
16. Live simply. Love with all your soul. Be sincere. Breathe deeply. Try your best. Leave everything else to something above us.
17. Surrender and let go are two completely different things.
19. Surrender does not always mean showing weakness. Sometimes it just means that you are strong and smart enough to let go and move forward.
20. Stop obsessing about your stress level and remember how lucky you are. It could have been much worse.
21. Whatever upsets you, let it go! No need to accumulate negative. Maintain a calm and positive outlook on life. Something good is bound to happen to you.
22. Some people cannot come to terms with the fact that you are going forward in life, and therefore they will try to grasp your shared past. Don't indulge their behavior. Keep moving on.
23. It doesn't matter what you do, someone will always be unhappy. So live by your principles and make sure that you yourself do not end up being disappointed.
24. Love yourself! Forgive yourself! Accept yourself! You are you, this is the beginning and the end - and no regrets.
25. You are good enough, smart enough and strong enough. You don't need someone else's approval to know that you are invaluable.
26. One of the most liberating knowledge that life teaches us is that we don't have to love everyone, everyone shouldn't love us, and that's absolutely normal.
27. Try not to take too closely what other people have to say about you. What they think and say is a reflection of themselves, not of you.
28. If you worry too much about what other people think of you, in some way, you will always be their prisoner.
29. Sometimes we expect more from others, because we ourselves would have done the same for them. Keep on loving. In the end, you will find out who is worthy of it.
30. Not everyone is able to appreciate what you are doing for them. You must understand who is really worthy of your attention, and who is just trying to use you.
31. To say yes to happiness, you must learn to say no to people and things that hurt you. Be wise to avoid negativity.
32. If you admit something, it will continue. It is better to be alone than to let negative people and their judgments influence your life.
33. If you feel like your ship is sinking, it may be time to drop whatever weighs you down. Let go of the people who upset you and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.
34. Just the fact that someone has been a part of your life for many years does not guarantee that one day the moment will not come when you finally decide to let him go.
35. One of the most difficult tasks in life is to erase someone from your heart.
36. You must understand that people come and go. That is life. Stop holding on to those who let you go a long time ago.
37. Sometimes we do not forgive others because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it, because we need it ourselves and because without it we cannot let go and move on.
38. The one who first asks for forgiveness is the bravest. The one who forgives first is the strongest. The happiest person moves forward first.
39. Do not grieve about the past, it will not return. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't come yet. Try to live in the present and make it beautiful.
40. Be wise enough to let go when needed and strong enough to hold when needed.
41. Don't let minor troubles darken your happiness. True wealth is the ability to feel and value every moment for what it brings.
42. Life is too short to be wasted in a war with oneself. Learn to accept and forgive. Letting go of yesterday's troubles, you are taking the first step towards happiness today.
43. Worry casts a big shadow over small matters. At the end of the day, you can focus on either what tears you apart, or on something that helps you pull yourself together.
44. Old fears - upfront payments for problems you may never have. Let them go. Today is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start over.
45. Smile, even when it seems like everything is falling apart. Smiling does not always mean that you are happy. Sometimes it just means that you are strong.
46. There comes a time when you stop thinking about your mistakes and move on. No regrets - just life lessons that show you the way.
47. Remember good moments, be strong in difficult times, love every moment, laugh more often, live honestly and be grateful for each new day
48. You can't let one bad thing spoil a bunch of good things. Don't be confused by silly daily dramas.
49. If you are diligent and patient, everything that you really need in life will come to you at the right time.
50. In the end, everything will fall into place. Until then, learn everything you can, laugh as often as possible, enjoy every moment and remember that it is worth it.
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Are you looking for this? Perhaps this is something that you have not been able to find for so long?
Do you think about him all the time and remember your happy past? Don't know how to mentally let go of a person you love? You remember his first touch to you, the first kiss, strong hugs ... His eyes, lips ... Hey, friend, you are still head over heels in love with him!
Parting with a loved one is hard, but even harder to let go of a man and learn to live without him. I will help you break out of this cycle of suffering and get rid of mental anguish. Forward to a happy future!
I want to tell you a story from my practice. I hope you learn from her ...
Once, on one of the usual weekdays, I was walking in the park. Enjoying the gentle May sun, I suddenly saw a girl sitting on a bench. She sobbed softly, and tears streamed down her cheeks. I immediately went up to her and asked what had happened to her. The girl, without even raising her eyes, began to "pour out" her soul:
I can't live like this anymore! I have no more strength. I think I'm going crazy. I constantly think about him, see his features in the faces of passers-by, hear his voice, I even smell his smell ...
We lived in a civil marriage for 3 happy, as it seemed to me, years. I dreamed that this man would someday become my husband. But at one point he somehow began to move away, after midnight to come home, writing off everything as "rubble" in his work. Then he suggested that I take a break in the relationship and disappeared. I was patiently waiting for him, he did not get in touch. After 2 weeks, he sent me a message with a proposal to leave and remain friends.
In that second, my world collapsed. This parting was like death to me. I could not imagine what I would do without him, this man was for me the whole meaning of my life. Since then, about a year has passed, and I was still waiting for him. I waited and hoped that she would come, or call, say that he had changed his mind, realized and the parting was a mistake ...
And this morning I unexpectedly met him at the bus stop, he was with another girl, gently hugging, whispering something in her ear. The ground slipped from under my feet and all my hopes were dashed. I don't want to live without him ...
Tears gushed from her eyes with even greater force, I had no choice but to squeeze her tightly to me. I was literally shocked by the openness of this girl, because we were still strangers at that time.
If you, like my casual client, are familiar with the pain of parting, and you cannot understand where and for what reasons the man disappeared, then read -. And if you can't wait to find out detailed recommendations on how to forget and let go of your ex, then so be it, I will share them too!
Proven methods
Unleash your feelings
It is natural for a person to experience emotions; in general, an emotional outburst is good. You should not try to suppress emotions in yourself, you just need to throw them out. Understand, crying is good! It is normal to be angry, irritable, grief, melancholy and any other experiences and feelings! Your emotions are part of you! The main thing is not to cycle on them, but after splashing out, to be able to switch.
Don't embellish the past
Over and over again you mentally return to the past, over and over again you relive the happy moments of your life. And it seems that those times were the best in your life, only good memories float in your head treacherously ... And this is not surprising, because at the moment when you experience strong emotions, it is very difficult to remember anything bad.
It has been scientifically proven that a person's emotional state affects memory. Therefore, when you remember the good moments of your life, consciousness can invent or embellish the experience. In other words, memory can wear rose-colored glasses to match your thoughts.
Get away from him
To let him go is to forget. And in order to forget him, you at least should not see him. As they say - out of sight, out of mind! It is necessary to limit the time of communication with a once loved one.
Don't put yourself in the second place
You need to pay more attention to yourself. You should not cycle on thoughts of a failed relationship and become isolated.
Don't blame everyone in the world
Try to see the good in the people around you, you do not need to blame the whole world for your failures. Looking at a person through the prism of feelings, you, of course, will shield him in any situation, and anyone will be guilty of parting in your eyes, but not him. Look at your ex-lover soberly.
Don't let yourself be drowned in negative thoughts.
Remember once and for all, the brain is a part of you, which means you are able to control your thoughts. As soon as you start thinking negatively - stop! Sometimes it is very difficult to do it, but believe me - it's real.
Ask your friends for help
Friends will help to abstract, distract, if necessary, lend a shoulder and listen. Appreciate those who support and pay attention to you. And remember, you should not drown them in the sea of your tears, they should not be mired in your sorrows. Otherwise, you risk losing them too.
Sooner or later there comes a time when it is simply necessary to "get out" in the head, to reassess the values, removing everything unnecessary. It helps open doors to a happy future. Try to get rid of unnecessary information in your head.
Remember, there is no definite period of time after which you will finally forget him who was close to you once. Life does not end with the loss of a person, and how soon you can return to this very life is up to you. Make new acquaintances and don't be afraid to start from scratch.
Love yourself, believe in yourself, and know that the one and only can be right now waiting for you around the corner. You shouldn't waste your nerves and energy on "someone else's future husband", hurry to meet your own.
The method of return on investment can be an effective way to solve a classic psychoanalytic problem that previously seemed practically insoluble.
The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence.
The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of dependence.These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back withusing the method of emotional-figurative therapy(EOT), that leads to instant and complete release from addiction.
Examples of specific corrective work with various cases of emotional dependence using this method are given. The possibilities of extending the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.
Emotional addiction is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.
Subject of addiction:
1. Experiencing suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feeling, or due to the impossibility of changing his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;
2. Feels the impossibility of freeing from addiction;
3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.
There are quite a few options for emotional addictions. It can be a love dependence on a specific person, the relationship with whom has ended or, on the contrary, cannot end in any way.
Maybe this dependence on the very feeling of love(erotomania), so that the object of feeling is not unique.
It could be duty-based addiction when, for example, a woman is afraid to quit an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will "disappear" without her, and she will feel guilty.
It could be addiction based on feelings of hate or resentment when the connection does not stop, because these feelings do not find their solution.
It could be dependence on the mother (or other person) with whom there was an emotional merger (confluence). In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.
It could be helpless addiction when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is psychologically still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.
It could be emotional dependence on an already deceased person with which the subject was unable to say goodbye. It can be a dependence on a terrible or, conversely, a wonderful past, in which the given subject still lives.
It could be dependence on the future, in which the subject has invested their dreams and hopes... Etc. The subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes not even realizing it, sometimes resigned to it, and sometimes, not wanting to part with it.
Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client passes from the state of addiction to state of independence, and further, if he wants, to a state of interdependence. The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature.
You might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But, it means that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing the constraint and limitation of possibilities.
Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and absence of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person.
It is good, for example, if, in the event of an unexpected breakup, a young man can say in words of a cheerful song: "If a bride leaves for another, then it is not known who is lucky."
Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: "So do not get you to anyone!" or "Did you pray before bed, Desdemona?" or with a depressing meaning: "My life is over."
Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job.
But ... Using the EOT method, we managed to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the above problems, the individual's achievement of a state of independence, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence.
Example 1. "Blue ball".
At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student asked me to help her with the problem of unhappy love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now. Every day she only thought about "him," she lived purely mechanically, she was not really interested in anything, she could not fall in love with someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her in the least.
To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man is in the chair in front of her and describe the experiences she is experiencing.
She replied that her entire body, her entire body, is madly attracted to him, and this feeling is localized in the chest. Further, following the main therapy scheme, I suggested to her imagine an image of this feeling on the same chair where the young man used to "sit".
She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which was definitely belongs to her... At the same time, she wanted to throw this ball away, but could not do it, because, according to her, then she seemed to have died completely.
Already at this stage, it became obvious dead end structure in which she was. She clearly wanted to supplant her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time did not want to lose them. Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else.
This same projection created a powerful attraction to find this blue ball again.
Then I suggested that she try alternatives in order to get out of the impasse:
1. Throw out the ball completely;
2. Take it into yourself as part of your personality.
After that, it was possible to make sure which action would suit her the most.
However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options. In order to undermine this rigid system, I invited the members of the group to participate in this process.
Each in turn stood behind the girl's back and made a speech on her behalf, in which he justified his decision to throw or accept this ball. This question touched everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.
Then I decided to exacerbate the situation even more and applied the gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and to everyone else to pull her in the direction of their decision and persuade her to do just that.
The struggle flared up serious, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball, and all the women were in favor of leaving it.
But the main action happened very quickly - the girl literally cried out: "I won't give it up for anything!" and rushed to the group of women, although the men held her very tightly. Since the decision was made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling.
With surprise, she admitted that she was feeling very well, and the ball is now in her heart.- But - she added - it is unlikely to be for long. I suffered so much, and went to a psychoanalyst. And here in an hour ... Most likely it will all return ...
I invited her to sit down and again imagine the young man in front of her.
- What do you feel now?
- It's strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I do not suffer.
- Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?
- Yes, now I can!
and saidreferring to the image of a young man:
- I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.
She saw how the image of a young man recedes and melts, and this made her even easier.
Now I offered her my interpretation: "The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man." I said that along with the feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she threw out her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy. Now that her heart is in place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while maintaining warm feelings for him.
So Pushkin in his famous poem said goodbye to his beloved: "I loved you, love still, perhaps."
T How almost all situations workemotionally addicted... We are always talking about the fact that together with the loss of a beloved object, the person is "torn away" andthose investments, which he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional "dividends".
He feels a loss, a part of his soul is lost.
He cannot create new relationships because there is nothing more to invest.
But investments in relationships make them reliable and meaningful, then the relationship is valued.
If the other person reciprocates with the first person, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is made between them, which provides a good basis for starting a family. When both sides of the process make mutual investments, then this ensures their happiness, they have not only a beloved object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.
Moreover, with them are the investments that the "opposite side" made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that he is dear to a loved one, that he is trying for you.
Of course, one cannot say that the heart of one individual really moves to the person he loves, and the latter controls him.
But it is not in vain that those who love so often say that they have given their heart to the one they love. As the poets write: "My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below ..."
In subjective reality, it is possible that something that does not happen objectively, however, has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual. If the subject has committed in his subjective world introduction (the term "projection" is also suitable) of some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence.
He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.
Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to the object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for a given individual, this was called cathexis.
In his famous work Melancholy, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually taken away from the beloved but lost object. But he did not indicate that this fixation of the libido makes sense as an investment in the future.
And this is very important!In fact, this is a new theory of love.
The fixation does not happen because the object just liked it, the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But there is no decisive choice, the subject does not place a "stake" on this particular person.
If he makes a "bet" , then this means that he is firmly anchored in his destiny, your happiness, your future with this person.
He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many devidends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, having and raising children, having an interesting life together, the approval of society, etc.
No wonder the lovers ask each other: "Do you love me?", "Won't you stop loving me?" etc. They want to be sure of the "profitability" and reliability of their investments, and also that they will invest in them too.
Moreover, I have become convinced in therapeutic practice that investment controls sex drive, and not vice versa. Investments disappear - attraction also disappears.
Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers".
A young man approached me.
“I can't,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I recently got married, but I can't love my second wife like the first one, I see everything first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help myself. "
- This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.
- No, I have already suffered from mine. I have already gone through everything in two years.
- And we can easily check this.
How is it?
- But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?
- Never mind. I do not care.
- Then you can easily tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life!
- No, for some reason I can't say these words.
- Well, this means that you are addicted.
I explained the theory of investment to him and asked him to find an image of those feelings that he put into his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
- Are these your flowers?
– Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.
- Take them away and let them enter your body wherever they want.
- This bouquet entered my chest, I felt so good. The energy returned. It is somehow easier to breathe, and the hands rise by themselves. I could not raise my hands after she left.
- Now look at this woman again (pointing to a chair).
- Strange, now it's just a woman, of whom there are millions.
- Can you tell her now: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life."
- Yes, now it's easy.
- Then tell me and see what happens to the image.
- I speak and see how her image is removed and reduced. Has completely disappeared, and it became even better. - Now look at the second wife.
- Yes, now it's different.
- You can give her the bouquet then. However, as you wish.
- No, why ...
He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.
The return of the invested "capitals" back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of relations has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, just like all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on the return of feelings or parts of the personality lost by the subject, otherwise everyone would have known about this for a long time. It is quite understandable why such methods were not created.
For this, only the technology of emotional-figurative therapy is suitable, since it allows you to present the invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return the lost resources.
It is almost impossible to get feelings back on the basis of only verbal techniques.
Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that a method in which feelings can be moved as an object, you can identify with them, take them into your body or let them go. contrary to their traditional beliefs.
Example 3. Golden com.
A young man came to me to find out his relationship with the girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then, they entered into sexual relations and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would be time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family. Then she was offended and, having abruptly broken with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she regretted her choice and soon began to seek to restore relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations were money and career. The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but he could not free himself from the old feeling, could not resist her insistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could already support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend.
At first I thought that he was just talking hurt, pride. Maybe you should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?
But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence.
He was convinced of the girl's low morality and believed that she was manipulating him.
He doesn’t could not understand how she could previously neglect his beautiful feelings, hurt him so much. He himself would never have taken the initiative in restoring relations.
The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.
At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had not the slightest intention of rebuilding the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would free himself from this addiction and suffering.
Following the theoretical idea that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological "capitals" that the given subject "invested" in a loved one, I suggested to the client create an image of these feelings in front of you.
After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with the balloon above.
We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he handed his feelings, hoping to hold her with these feelings.
After that, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, my feelings, again into himself, as his energy.
At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he did not succeed.
Suddenly he found a solution himself:
– I must enter this coma myself! Because he's bigger than me.
- Well, do it.
In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings clothed him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.
- These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such beautiful feelings?
- How do you feel about this girl now?
- You know, I really don't care now. I don't even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to take revenge. I am really free.
- We should meet again to make sure that the result is really sustainable. Maybe some work will be needed.
- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again. He walked out from me with a very confident and strong gait, he did not call again.
A comment:
This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, using conscious actions in relation to the image of their feelings really return them to yourself, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.
Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that with a partner with whom the relationship is broken, one should mentally (and / or really) say goodbye and let him go.
However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were presented, with whom they are connected.
Before letting go, you need to get your "investment" back, otherwise nothing will work.
Sometimes this itself happens in some spontaneous way, but for the most part, the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.
Often psychotherapists suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally banishing the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give relief, but since people are connected not by threads, but by feelings, then for the most part no solution occurs, or the solution is partial and unstable.
The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually presented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything.
There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away, does not abandon it. However, after that it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.
However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist prompts him to do, and this creates new difficulties and features of the work.
The therapist needs to learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance in the path of his release.
Example 4. "A fearful dove".
The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.
I immediately invited her to present that part of her personality or those feelings that she "invested" in her beloved, and which she lost with his departure.
She immediately replied that it was a dove.I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? Oshe confirmed that the pigeon, which she clearly imagined, is indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he is afraid to go to her.
- Why not?
- Because I clip his wings.
- Why are you doing this?
- Well, of course, so that he does not fly away.
This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her.... And also the fact that the more you hold someone in captivity, the more he breaks out.
All this was explained, but since the criterion of truth is experience, I suggested to her for the sake of experiment explain to the pigeon that the girl will no longer clip his wings.
This statement had an effect, the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid.
None of the assurances from the girl to which I pushed her helped.
This is the second difficulty. Carefully observing the words and intonations of the client, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon.
She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him.
The same fear made her cut the wings of the pigeon, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.
Then I suggested to the girl, paradoxically, to declare to the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of him.
The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the pigeon was afraid of her.
Without explaining, I insisted that this is a paradoxical technique and should be tried.
She obeyed, and the dove immediately flew into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.
Now that she introduced her former friend, she felt completely free of him.
Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffers and does not experience addiction. A week later, she again confirmed the positivity and stability of this result.
A comment:
In this example, we have also parsed two possible difficulties, which can be met when returning the invested feelings:
1. The individual commits some violence over the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (himself);
2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc.
There is an internal splitting and fear of unsuccessful control over oneself.
From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of insecurity in himself, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities.
He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he is complaining about, because he is afraid that he will make new mistakes in freedom or that he will not be needed by anyone, he will not find anyone, etc.
The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with small modifications of the technique, we call this extensions of the area of application of the method, or, more simply, the extension of the method.
Method extension:
1. Emotional addiction and psychosomatics
Emotional addiction can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of addiction, but as a somatic malaise, with which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not give any results.
I will give two examples to show how this can happen:
Example 5. "Spider on the back".
At one of the seminars, I invited the students to show their work.
The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe back pain, this prevented her from sleeping normally, her back hurt in any position. She sought help from doctors, but they could not help her.
I invited her to present an image of this pain.
She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back.
Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I have suggested that she has some kind of serious problem in her relationship with a man. It turned out that her friend was a drug addict, and she was still trying to save him from this addiction, but she could not help it.
Tries to break off relations with him, but also cannot get rid of him.
We tried different tricks to get rid of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to get her out of this emotional addiction.
She understood that she still would not be able to save him, that she sacrificed her health and destiny, but for some reason she “could not” let him go.
Then I invited her to answer on behalf of the spider to the question: "Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere, where, perhaps, he is not going?"
Responsible for him, the girl realized that he really did not need it at all and therefore he resisted.
Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, he disappeared, and the pain in her back disappeared at the same moment. On the same evening, she broke off all relations with the drug addict.
After a while, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least for the next 4 years) hurt.
She told this story to me 4 years after the session, which I even forgot.
A comment:
It is clear that a student break a relationship could not from a falsely understood sense of duty before this young man, she hoped for some miracle and feared to be responsible for his further downfall.
Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were offered to her initially.
After answering the proposed question on behalf of the "spider", she realized that he did not need to be saved, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for this.
She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will. Such an immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any of the arguments of the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, to stop feeling debt to him and strain her back to save him.
Therefore, the back passed immediately and did not hurt anymore, but she was able to really part with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, really give up a false sense of duty. On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty.
But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her "feat" led to disappointment, respectively, the girl immediately took her investment, one might say, automatically.
Example 6. "25 years of heart pain".
A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain, she had to stop from time to time on the way to rest. From time to time she felt so bad from a heart spasm that she feared for her life. These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life.
His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she was already able to survive this grief and fully recovered.
I invited her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing.
The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart trouble was related to that old psychological trauma.
- It can't be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.
“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.
- Yes, I let him go, but he does not leave.
- Well, try again.
- All the same, he does not disappear anywhere.
- So you gave him something very valuable for you once and haven't returned it until now. Can you imagine what it looks like?
– This is my wounded bloody heart.
- Is this really your heart?
- Yes, of course, mine!
- Do you agree to return it to your body so that it will be in place?
- Yes, but he has such a wound, I'm afraid that this will make me feel bad.
- No, when you take it, then only then can you cure it. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you will no longer hurt him.
- Yes, it has come into place and is gradually healing.
- Tell me when it heals completely.
- Yes, it has already healed. It became somehow easier for me.
“Now look at the blade again.
- And he is no more! He himself disappeared.
A comment:
From this case it follows that that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he is unaware that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.
Extension 2. Emotional Addiction and Confluence
Many cases of addiction are determined by early merging with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case.
This happens most often with girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the senses of another person, not knowing how to feel like a separate being and how to stand on their own two feet.
The trouble is that he does not even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it to be some kind of immoral, betrayal of his mother.
At the same time, he can suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of the mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illness, is in despair at the very thought of her death, always has a sense of guilt in front of her etc.
It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases.
Standard verbal therapy is usually very long-term, but the already described Emotional Image Therapy technique is very promising.
NS Example 7. "Merging with Mom".
A woman of about 35 years old with a child of her own made the following request at the workshop:
Her whole life was permeated with a sense of her insignificance and dependence in her feelings and decisions from her mother. The mother's needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of the mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that mother would die gave rise to the idea that after that it was impossible to live.
Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate ... She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong. The main line of work was aimed at helping a woman to realize what part of her personality did she once give to her mother as a child, and why?
It turned out that it was her little baby heart and despite the belief that this heart it was her, she had great difficulty in getting him back to herself. Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed.
She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, is a separate person from her, her mother has her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother has her own character and her own delusions.
But most of all, she was struck by the immediate sense of her separateness and independence.
As she mastered this new subjective reality that was revealed to her, the small heart in her breast grew and gradually turned into an adult large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of.
Now she realized that she could feel for herself and make decisions according to her needs, it was new and wonderful.
A comment:
Thus, the method of return on investment can be effective in the case of confluence.
In the case of a merge, other techniques can and can be applied successfully. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the form of an egg, bag, vat or cave, inside which he is located) - he kind of refuses to be born.
Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, traditional methods of symbol drama, psychodrama and body therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in a number of cases unexpectedly simple.
We inform the client, h then it is he who holds the mother's womb, with which he naturally agrees.
Then we invite him to let go of the womb, referring to its image with the appropriate words.
If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.
Example 8. "Letting go of the mother's womb".
At the seminar, I suggested that the group members perform a mental exercise, enter the circle of "Health", the reactions were different, but mostly positive.
However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in motionless anemic state, I tried to get out, in the end I saw myself in the sea, but I was also in an anemic state.
I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother.
To which she replied that both were true.
"You should let Mom and her womb go," I advised, "because only you are holding them, not they are you. But that will take a lot of work. We will deal with that later if you want."
Then I moved on to discussing the impressions of the other members of the group.
A few minutes later, the girl jumped up and began to walk in excitement back and forth within the circle of the group.
Naturally, I asked what was happening to her and if she would like to discuss her problem?
She replied that she had already followed my advice and, which will do everything on her own.
I continued to work with the group, and the girl sometimes walked in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place.
At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had really solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.
A comment:
This case illustrates another dependency release technique where the client lets go of the object that it thinks is holding it.
For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is "in prison" and cannot get rid of it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is invited to let go of his prison!
The prison collapses and the client is free. Then he realizes that he created his own prison.
But when he lets go of a womb or a prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns them to himself.
This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one.
First, return the lost parts of the personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (not to drive away the violence is unacceptable), then this will be the criterion for the success of the work on the return on investment.
If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.
Extension 3. Working with a fixation on the past and hopes for the future
Parable: A tiger chased the man. He ran away from it and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out of the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw another tiger waiting for him below. Then a small mouse ran out of the mink, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break off, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He ripped it off and ate it.
This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.
However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand this, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in terror, the second tiger is the future, which man is always afraid of.
The root is the root of life and small mouse - unforgiving time.
But little strawberry is a moment of the present and when a person ate it, he got into the present moment and attained enlightenment.
Because in the present there is neither past nor future, which means that there are no fears and suffering, there is only a wonderful present that can last forever.
Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, one should often simply return from the past or the future.
Example 9. "Return from the past".
The young man, who was a successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded.
He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.
It turned out that he was only thinking about how good it was when he ran a successful company.
He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then. I told him that he was apparently stuck in the past and asked what he left there.
-"Yes, I'm all there." he exclaimed.
I invited him to see himself in the past and return this himself here, to the present. "
"But he doesn't want to. He's so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn't want to come back to me."
“Explain to him,” I say, “that he is clinging to the illusion that this is nothing. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can really live here.”
- "Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why do I smile? You know, I just never smile like that."
In our difficult life, there are not only happy meetings, but also bitter partings.
We worry, grieving, trying to understand how to let go of the person you love forever from my memory.
Letting go of a loved one from your own life is much easier than erasing his once-desired image from a vulnerable soul.
I quite often receive frank letters from readers who ask not only for advice, but also for verbal help.
Dear women, unfortunately, you will not be able to let go of your loved one from memory forever.
Although there are some tricks to quickly cope with the bitter separation. We have already talked about this in previous publications, so this article is intended to supplement the existing material with the experience of those who have managed to forgive and let go of crazy love forever.
What you need to do to let go of the person you love
Hello dear readers.
My name is Antonina.
I perfectly understand those who are currently suffering from separation. Itself has gone through it more than once.
I loved the young man, communicating with him on the social network for quite a long time, without ever meeting. If you have a similar situation, then I propose to proceed according to the following scheme:
one). As a matter of urgency, release the virtual image from your imaginary imagination. Leave the social network forever by deleting your own profile. You erase your photographs and force yourself not to stare at the photograph of your beloved with an effort of will. This is a very important rule. The sooner you get rid of visual contact with photographs, the sooner you can let go of the promoted pictures of your own happiness, which in fact did not exist. Do not go back under any pretext, do not answer calls and do not call your beloved yourself. Remember a simple thing. Virtual love is a monstrous illusion of those who, for a number of reasons, could not find their soul mate in the real world.
Forgive yourself and your virtual friend for the fact that you once contacted and someone decided to permanently break the semblance of a relationship. You will be able to let go of the simulated image after about six months, forever erasing the exciting moments from your memory. You will, of course, remember him, but the amplitude of fluctuations of feelings will noticeably decrease.
2). If you are abandoned by your beloved man, having gone to another woman, remember that at the very beginning you will feel the strongest fatalism. This means that your psyche will begin to demonstrate the departed love, as the only one in life. This stage must be experienced, similar to the first point. No calls, no correspondence, no hope. Let go of your hope that he will return to you with a confession. You don’t need such a fee.
In no case sit locked up, go to your friends, break into their locked doors without an invitation. In other words, supplant anything that reminds you of a loved one.
Don't drink - it's a dead end. Do not give yourself a period of time to let go of your loved one in a few months and not make new acquaintances for the time being. Someone got attached, do not refuse. But in any case, you will not want to talk to anyone and get closer. So do it through “I don’t want to”. Forgiving someone is much easier than letting go. And for this one must not be isolated.
3). Independently, by an effort of will, work with your psyche. Burn all the photos of your beloved to hell, letting go of him on an energetic level. This is not weakness or psychosis. This is a method of ousting the one who has uncomplainingly betrayed you. Burn his letters and put away any gifts, thereby protecting yourself from memories and waiting in the hope that he will creep. The one who left once, will fall down and then. Know this!
4). Do not harbor resentment in your soul - it will harass you even more. Betrayed, then he will betray the one to which he left. Drive these words into your smart head. Forgive your loved one by letting them go through trying to start a new life and meet a real man. At first, you will think that all men are the same. I guarantee it to you. Surely you still think so, reading this article. There are decent men, or rather only one. Only he will meet you after two scoundrels. These are the laws of life. The meeting must be earned by the loss.
5). In order to let go of your loved one from life and memory, catch a magic conspiracy, which a friend of mine gave me when she saw my state after spending with Yashka.
Believe it or not, now I have freed myself from mental weakness to sob when another admirer is overwhelmed. Gone and let him fail. Returned, let him go away.
You are no more, there is no memory in my memory, I will melt your image like candy. No gifts, no hope, I get rid of dirty clothes. No dating, no suffering, I am full of life and new desires.
Read this conspiracy, going to bed. He helped me a lot in his time.
Now you know, how to let go of the person you love forever from life and memory.
Forgive him and tell yourself that any person in this life goes through something in order to become stronger, wiser and gain what is called experience.