Living the closeness. Psychological closeness as the main sign of confidential communication
The research was carried out by V. N. Kunitsyna in 1991. The objective of the study was to find out in persons of different ages and sex the content of ideas about this phenomenon, as well as the content of the criteria for assessing psychological closeness, which these persons operate with. For this, a special form "Psychological closeness" was designed.
The survey involved students and adults: 133 people (57 men and 76 women) aged 17 to 59 years. The respondents had to independently formulate what psychological closeness is and how it manifests itself. Here are the definitions that turned out to be typical for students:
“Psychological closeness is a relationship based on complete trust in each other, mutual understanding; mutual respect, mutual assistance ";
"Closeness with a different person– it is a community of ideas, habits, norms, values, character, mentality. "
Both of these definitions refer to the second level of psychological intimacy, which one of the respondents defined as “soul kinship”. The following two definitions speak rather of the first level of intimacy, which has received the figurative name "consonance of inner music":
"Psychological closeness– it is spiritual and sensual consonance, the desire for communication, the experience of separation ”;
"Psychological closeness– mutual sympathy, benevolence, mutual understanding at a glance. "
Adult subjects often gave a more figurative definition of this phenomenon.
"Psychological closeness with another person– this is being in a pool for two, where there are no rough shocks and even physical touching, but the movement of one causes waves that are felt by the other. "(researcher, 31 years old).
Content analysis of judgments has shown that many attribute several qualities to psychological closeness at once:
· Identification;
· Mutual respect;
· Similarity of characters;
Happiness, etc.
More often than others, they name trust, ease and satisfaction in communication, understanding, empathy, emotional closeness.
An example of determining psychological proximity by a professional psychologist:
“Psychological closeness is a difficult phenomenon to explain. Outwardly, this sometimes looks without excessive affectation, on the contrary, positive emotions are, as it were, obscured, since there is no need to demonstrate them (the object knows about them, you are confident in him and in his attitude towards you, and from others, maybe this relationship is worth several take care). Subjectively, this is some kind of mutual openness to each other, confidence in each other, attunement to each other, to the problems of the other, carried out without additional efforts. Sometimes close people look like conspirators, as they understand each other by hints and without words, exchange glances, gestures, pauses (many non-verbal means of communication). Verbal communication is curtailed, since there is no need, firstly, to explain your thought for a long time, and secondly, to camouflage it with words. Demonstration of close relationships accelerates the breakup, means their violation. "
The following components of psychological closeness were identified in judgments:
1. Understanding(mutual understanding, understanding at a glance).
2. Confidence(maximum frankness, free, comfortable, fearless communication).
3. Emotional closeness(sympathy, joy from communication; empathy and sympathy, heightened sense of the state of another person).
4. Adoption(tolerance for individual shortcomings of the other, recognition and acceptance of the other, perception of him as he is, the absence of conflicts and the desire to give in, the desire to help).
5. Unity, proximity of goals, ideals, points of view(coincidence of values).
Based on this survey, five-rank scales were constructed to measure the degree of psychological closeness with a particular person.
In some definitions of psychological closeness, it is well traced that identification with another person underlies the feeling of closeness. Here are two examples;
1. Student:
"Psychological closeness– it is the maximum disclosure of his inner content to a partner to the extent that he can think in similar categories, experience the same images and feelings, but from the position of his “I”. "
2.Student:
"Psychological closeness is when you feel another person as a part of yourself, there is no clear border between him and you, during communication you smoothly transition into him, and he into you, and this transition is carried out without obstacles."
Based on the data obtained, four scales were developed to measure psychological closeness and psychological distance. Similar material was obtained on the disclosure of four scales (trust, ease of communication, emotional closeness, understanding).
The concept of "psychological closeness" is present in a number of domestic and foreign works, but it was not an independent object of experimental study. Therefore, the content of this term in the scientific sense was not disclosed, but rather was used at the level of everyday consciousness. The phenomenon itself was described as something inherent in everyday life. As for the manifestation of psychological closeness, their description is given in the analysis of friendship and love as pair relationships, which are characterized by high levels of human closeness.
D. Moreno wrote that an aspect of sociometric theory that is often neglected is the problem of proximity. “The sociometric test is a test of social intimacy ... It is often confused with some types of its peripheral development, with tests of social “distance.” But social distance is “divorced” proximity. The greater the distance, the more divorced it becomes. Distance unrelated to proximity promotes social symbolism, social nominalism, in short, social unreality. Sociometric theory by no means neglects symbolic relationships, but they should be viewed in an appropriate perspective, within the framework of the polarity of proximity - distance ”(Moreno, 1958, p. 97).
In works devoted to the psychological characteristics of friendship and love, the concept of psychological intimacy is illustrated by three signs - trust in communication, understanding, subjective ease of communication.
In studies (of youthful friendship, carried out by a large group of researchers in Moscow and St. Petersburg) under the leadership of I.S.Kon (Kon, Losenkov, 1974), trust is associated with psychological closeness and ease of communication with peers and parents.
Peer relationships are influenced by the degree of closeness between the child and the mother. It was found that psychological closeness of boys with their father leads to the development of sufficient self-control in them. Closeness with mother has different effects on the development of the personality of boys and girls. So, girls develop trust in people, endurance in a situation of frustration, self-confidence; in boys - great anxiety, emotional instability, a tendency to constant introspection; they are less frank with friends.
In our opinion, there are two levels of psychological closeness: one - primary in terms of the time of occurrence - does not require long acquaintance, mutual testing, is characterized by high spontaneity, unconsciousness; the other is rational, perceived, controlled by the subjects of communication, based on the awareness of the similarity of attitudes, values, norms, life experience. The primary, or initial, level, which arises already at the first contact, is stable, does not lend itself well to volitional regulation, it is characterized by ease, unsaturation of informal communication, a high level of trust and understanding, a correct forecast of the partner's behavior in a given situation and, finally, acceptance on a sensual level, emotional closeness.
The feeling of psychological closeness is based on the identification mechanism. Primary level referents, therefore, should be ease of communication, trust, emotional closeness and acceptance of the other person. The referent of the secondary level that arises at a certain stage of relations is the idea of the similarity of attitudes, views, goals, understanding.
22.07.2010
Personal: Five steps of intimacy
"Closeness" is spontaneous,
play-free upright behavior
a person who is aware of the environment, perceiving
the world through the eyes of an unspoiled Child who
sincerity lives in the present.
Eric Berne "People Who Play Games".
Each of us would like not only to meet our love, but also to preserve it, to create a family with exactly the person who suits us, with whom it will be warm and comfortable. And it will be possible to feel real human closeness, and not its pitiful likeness.
What is intimacy?
This is an opportunity to maximally dissolve in another person and at the same time remain yourself. We have to admit with regret that such a state is rarely achieved.
It's no secret that whirlwind romances that sometimes happen in life very rarely end in a really happy family, most often they are followed by bitter disappointment, depression and a whole bunch of acquired complexes.
But not many people know that all life collisions are natural, whatever they may be.
If we calmly and correctly treated each of our unsuccessful experiences of close relationships, how many internal problems we would be able to avoid. What happens most often? We are disappointed and part with our former lovers, accompanying this process with deep mental trauma, non-healing wounds, resentment and even hatred. We are ready to avenge our outraged honor, unfulfilled fantasies and expectations and grind all this indigestible porridge for many years.
And in vain, because by doing so we cut off our path to true intimacy with another person. All representatives of the opposite sex turn for us into real monsters, which are only created in order to make us unhappy. Your hatred, resentment, bad thoughts are involuntarily projected onto all the men around you.
Free yourself from all negativity, help the warmth and light scattered around and in every human being with such generosity to enter your soul!
Open up to meet your destiny and create your life! And understand one immutable truth: without disappointments and mistakes, we will never be able to find a kindred spirit, the very most important soul mate for which we were created. Because we will not know the selection criteria.
A sudden attraction that flares up between a man and a woman is just the first natural attraction, which does not necessarily have to result in a long-term relationship and love. This is an elementary law of physics - the law of attraction of opposite poles.
Remember romance novels, romantic melodramas, soap operas? How is everything going on there?
Here a man walks calmly down the street, does not suspect anything, and suddenly, out of nowhere, an inspiration falls upon him, tetanus attacks, lightning strikes, etc. etc. And he cannot take his eyes off HER or HIM, the only one sent by heaven. All marriages take place in heaven, ... you hardly participate here in any way, you just wait for a heavenly sign, which, as a rule, occurs at the most unexpected moment ...
Probably, this is how it really is. And it all starts like this ...
But more often than not, this only happens in films and romance novels. And in life ...
Many happy marriages began, paradoxically, in the most prosaic way.
Remember, in the old days, the bride and groom didn't even see each other before the wedding. But sometimes they were lucky, and everything turned out in the most favorable way. They, getting to know each other more and more, were imbued with mutual sympathy, and love arose between them.
It also happened that people were friends with each other for a long time, not even assuming that someday this could result in something more. But something important was happening, and at some stage they suddenly realized that they were made for each other. This is how families come into being.
This always happens very individually, and there are absolutely no general rules here. Believe me, marriages, happy, long, filled with mutual love, respect and true spiritual closeness, take place on earth.
And you need to remember this, know and be able to use your knowledge correctly. And take every unsuccessful attempt at love relationships as a unique lesson that crystallizes the desired image and helps you understand who can really claim your hand and heart in the deepest understanding of these words.
Let's climb together to the very top of love and human intimacy, going through all the periods of rapprochement successively and correctly setting priorities. So, let's go ...
It all starts with falling in love, the first insight and rapprochement.
It is useful for each of us to know that the first attraction for a man and a woman is diametrically different in motives. The first male impulse is sexual attraction. It happens on a subconscious level. And hardly any of the men can exhaustively define the criteria for their likes and dislikes. Because today he may like one woman, and tomorrow he may make a desire completely different. But this is only an external attraction, which some men, and women too, mistake for a deep feeling. Hence the unjustified expectations and inevitable disappointments.
For a girl, a woman, physical attraction arises only at the fourth stage of intimacy. And the first rapprochement occurs on the intellectual and emotional levels. When she perceives the human individuality of a man by the external manifestations of character, indicators of his success, intelligence. And only then, much later, he begins to feel physical attraction to him.
If you do not take into account these psychological characteristics, then already in the period of the first love you may face significant disappointments.
Further follows period of uncertainty... When we get the opportunity to better understand our feelings, weigh the pros and cons and understand whether we need this person, whether we are drawn to him, whether we want to be together.
It is to this period of the relationship that the classic expectation of a call and silence belong. In a man, this condition usually occurs immediately after falling in love. He suddenly suddenly disappears somewhere and for a long time does not show any signs of life.
A woman can get into this state at any stage of intimacy, even at the very last one. Only a hopelessly insecure person does not doubt his beloved. But he doubts himself.
Then we go to the stage of special, exclusive relationships. When doubts recede, and we communicate with pleasure, comprehend each other, form a common space of interaction. A typical mistake of a man at this time is his complacency in the fact that he has already achieved full love and unity with a woman. And he stops showing her attentions, relaxes or something.
And the woman, in turn, rushes things, perceiving this stage of the relationship as the final stage of intimacy. And confidently makes plans for life together. Trying on the roles of wife and mother, although she and the man are not even between her physical intimacy.
It is physical closeness, combined with a deep penetration into the world of another person, that marks the fourth step of rapprochement, when we already know practically everything about a loved one. It opens completely. There are no secrets, omissions. We may even live together for a while, but complete fusion occurs only in marriage. Then it becomes possible to reveal your shortcomings and not be afraid that they will not be accepted or misinterpreted. The happy time is coming. When we can remain ourselves and at the same time experience a burning closeness with another person ...
The fifth step of rapprochement is marriage., one of the most significant moments in the life of any woman, which she sometimes waits for her whole life. When a man proposes, he chooses this woman as the most important person in his life, dearest, closest. This is how the two halves unite, so that from now on, in all its completeness, you can feel the harmony of integrity and unity.
But this is possible only when your relationship will diligently go up the magical ladder of human rapprochement.
Does our rapprochement always take place in this sequence? Can we go wrong and take one level of passion after another? Of course! Moreover, it happens quite often. And it is the cause of our disappointments, suffering and misunderstandings, even with those who are ideal for us for life. You just need to know that nothing happens quickly and immediately, and that all these periods of rapprochement we will probably have to go through sooner or later in order to build a really close relationship.
So try and be wrong. And know: you cannot make a mistake only on the very last step of intimacy, if you have passed all the previous ones. Because there it becomes absolutely clear to our heart, mind and body what is what. There, emotions and physical attraction, intellect and soul seem to unite in a single impulse of revelation. And we break up or start a family.
Of course, parting is possible in the first, second, and third stages of rapprochement. Any time. But only on the last step does this happen quite consciously and justifiably. And most importantly - no offense. Because then it becomes clear to everyone that there is no point in continuing the inappropriate relationship.
When you hear the question “what is the basis of a successful (mature, good, lasting) relationship?” What comes to your mind? From somewhere since childhood I remember the phrases: "mutual understanding", "respect", "support" - and I do not diminish the importance of these components in relationships, but, in my opinion, this is not their basis.
In order for a relationship to be happy, and, most importantly, long-lasting, four foundations are needed, or rather, intimacy:
- at the physical level,
- on the emotional,
- intellectual,
- and, finally, spiritual.
Physical intimacy.
This is perhaps the most pleasant and most short-lived, in the absence of other converging factors, the basis of a relationship - most often they begin with the fact that partners are attracted to each other in the physical plane. Mutual sympathy and attraction can burn out very quickly, even without the proverbial physical contact, if not combined with other levels of attraction. In order to stay together, you need something much more than just passion, and it seems to me that everyone knows this feeling - when you really want to be together, but with your mind you understand that apart from "chemistry" nothing unites you with a person. On the other hand, relationships that are built on different foundations in the absence of physical attraction cannot give people complete satisfaction. You cannot erase the words from the song, and this is exactly the case.
Emotional closeness.
People are attracted to each other according to different principles, for example, similarity or opposition of temperaments. I do not know a formula that would guarantee success here, I only know that if you are emotionally uncomfortable with a person, if he dominates you or you discover behavior that is not typical for you next to him, literally change beyond recognition, and you can say “this is not me ”, Such a relationship is doomed. I believe that we can change and mutually enrich each other in a relationship, but if a partner, for example, reinforces your bad qualities, this is the opposite of a healthy direction of development. One of the most precious gifts that a relationship can give is the ability to be yourself, and you cannot refuse it, just as you cannot agree to conditions when you should be someone else. In my understanding, emotional closeness is also the speed with which both partners progress in a relationship, going through the stages of infatuation, falling in love, coming to love. You will not necessarily come a second per second, but it is important to understand where and how you are going, and for this you need to talk.
Intellectual proximity.
This is a community of interests, an intellectual "bewitched" with each other: even if you do not adhere to the same views on everything, you are happy to share points of view, are able to understand and teach each other. Here, not only the approximate equality in intellectual development is important, but also the direction of this development: both people can be smart, but their interests do not intersect at any point, or there is a constant clash of views. American films often illustrate the impossibility of a man and a woman to be together if one of them is a convinced Democrat, and the other is an ardent Republican. In our country, political views do not play such a big role, but the life priorities of the partners must coincide.
Spiritual closeness.
This is the highest and most difficult to explain level of intimacy. In my understanding, closeness in spirit is, firstly, acceptance of your partner as he is, and the peculiarities of his character - as part of a single whole, and not trying to change him. If he changes himself (and this inevitably happens in the process of development), accept these changes with love and joy for the beloved. Secondly, spiritual closeness allows us to experience love “giving” rather than “taking”: in the first case, we want to give happiness to our partner, and in the second, we want to receive from him. On a spiritual level, we understand that giving love is the highest happiness for ourselves. Thirdly, relationships in which there is spiritual closeness motivate us to work on ourselves and develop - not because this is required of us, but because it is our sincere desire.
Of course, we learn best from our own experience, but there are a few things that can be done beforehand to determine if two people have the foundations for true love and long-term, productive relationships. Being honest with yourself and with each other can save you from entering a relationship that doesn't have a happy future. ©
Three sources have human drives - soul, mind and body. Soul cravings give rise to friendship. The instincts of the mind generate respect. The instincts of the body give rise to desire. The union of the three drives gives rise to love.
I recently asked a young man a question: "What stages does the rapprochement between a man and a woman go through?" And this is what he replied:
- Emotional closeness.
- Physical intimacy.
- Intellectual proximity.
- Spiritual closeness.
It seems to me that this point of view is popular among men. Indeed, more than once I received an offer to start acquaintance with physical communication, that is, with sex, in order to understand whether we are suitable for each other. Okay, checked and what's next? And then here's what, with this option, proximity does not arise at any of the levels. I have a sex therapist friend who told me that the most common problem for people who have lived together for 5, 10, 15, 20 years is that they do not know each other and are not truly close people. People live together, have children, sleep in the same bed for years, have sex, relax together and solve common problems. But at the same time, each of the spouses can have a person (or even several) much closer than the other half. There is even an opinion that real emotional closeness is possible only between people of the same sex.
Is it so? How does the rapprochement of friends happen? Two people meet (two women or two men), they don't know each other yet, they don't know anything about each other at all, but they have already made up the first impression about each other. This impression is fleeting, instinctive and, as a rule, completely irrational. That is, this impression is at the level of feelings. Personally, my feelings in the first second of communication define a person in one of the categories: I like a person, I do not like a person, or I am indifferent. I think this is the potential for spiritual intimacy. Further, the rapprochement begins (or does not begin), the search for points of contact. We are looking for common interests, common views, similar thoughts and emotions. If we find it, it's good, the relationship begins to develop, if we don't find it, the relationship does not start. Then, as communication continues, the relationship deepens, somewhere we adjust to each other, somewhere we change, somewhere there is simply an exchange of information, emotions - and the common becomes more and more. Relationships develop gradually and convergence occurs gradually. No one will let an unfamiliar person into his soul. Unless a person who is hungry for proximity finds some safe option to pour out his soul (for example, to a priest or a random companion), but this is more likely not a spiritual intimacy, but a drain of the material accumulated inside into a garbage can. Harmonious relationships are possible when emotional, intellectual and spiritual rapprochement occurs in parallel and gradually. When we do not try to jump several steps at once, but slowly but surely rise to the truth of closeness.
There is another aspect in the relationship between a man and a woman - the physical one. And here, for some reason, it is customary to jump over all the steps at once. So why be surprised that such closeness often ends in "fractures". This is similar to baking pancakes and setting the pan on top of the fire. Will you be surprised that on the one hand your pancake is already charred, and everything else is still damp. The same is with proximity, it must be heated over low heat and from all sides at the same time.
Question to dear men: "You often say:" Do not meddle in my soul ", - you can even say this to your own wife, and you will certainly tell an unfamiliar girl who asks too frank questions. You value and respect your soul so much and so protect it from impudent intrusions. So why do you consider it normal, after five minutes of dating, to climb into my body? And why are you so outraged by my careful and respectful attitude towards him and my protection of him from impudent intrusions?
You speak: "I want to find a soul mate", - but at the same time, you begin your acquaintance with the body. Forgive me, gentlemen, but my soul is not in the place where you are so eager to "get".