Compliments can be sincere and not quite, from a position from above, on equal terms and from below, direct and indirect, open and with cover.

Why so much? It should be borne in mind that not all people and not all compliments are perceived favorably, sometimes you need to hide a compliment, see Perception of compliments ...

There is such a thing - "hidden compliments". This is a case when you have done a good job for a person, but it is impossible to "catch" you in this. Hidden compliments, implicitly influencing the interlocutor, create a special atmosphere of trust in the relationship. Hidden compliments include a manifestation of sincere interest in the interlocutor - sincerely interested questions about his life, work, family, events that he witnessed - and then return to his stories, demonstrating that it was important for you and you left these stories in my soul. People love to talk about their hobbies - ask about their hobbies. The most neutral option is the frequent mention of the name of the interlocutor: if you remember the name of the interlocutor and refer to him by name, this demonstrates in relation to him something more than just respectful attitude.

A girl can ask a young man what kind of training he would advise her - in this case, without any compliments from her, he will understand that she appreciates his professionalism in this matter. And if she still started and study according to his system - in general there is no cooler compliment. - How can a young man answer this? - to give flowers with or without reason, to look at the girl and admire, admire and admire - without any words! ..

Synthonicity in communication is the ability to make hidden compliments when it was pleasantly done, but there was no compliment as it were. And you need to start a relationship precisely - with syntony. This is the best, most reliable, and safest compliment, since you didn't actually say the compliment.

However, since "hidden compliments" really do not sound clearly, then it is difficult to speak of them as real compliments.

If we talk about real, real compliments, then they are all classified along two axes: "direct - indirect" and "open - with cover." In direct compliments, there is a direct mention of a person's merits or what he does, an indirect compliment - it happens indirectly, through something, in an indirect way. An open compliment does not hide itself, moreover, it attracts attention to itself and emphasizes itself, a compliment with a cover - distracts attention from itself, switches attention to something else.

"You look great!" "This hairstyle suits you very much!" “As always, very tasty and beautiful” are all examples of open and direct compliments.

“Don't worry, we will succeed. It is very easy for me to work with you ”- here it is not said directly about a person, it is here said about working with him. But if a person is easy to work with, this speaks of a person too. This is an open indirect compliment.

“What a cool figure you have! Tell me, do you come from nature or do you play sports? " - a direct compliment, but with a cover of a distracting question.

And here: “Oh, you have a decent car! How long have you acquired such a beauty? " Is a cover-up and indirect compliment.

The simplest and most obvious is a direct and open compliment, but it is this that causes the most rejection in people who tend to see flattery and suck in compliments. The safest are indirect, cover-up compliments, and are the safest to start with.

Their first type is when WE PRAISE NOT THE PERSON, BUT THAT IS DEAR TO HIM: the company where he works, her successes, fame, etc.

· The second kind is compliments, when WE GIVE THE INTERVIEWER a LITTLE "MINUS", AND THEN A BIG "PLUS". After the "minus", the interlocutor is lost and is ready to object, but at this moment, in contrast, you say something very flattering for him. Psychologists consider such a compliment to be the most emotional and memorable, but, like anything powerful, it is quite risky. If the minus turns out to be stronger than the plus, the consequences for you may be extremely undesirable.

· The third kind of compliments is that YOU COMPARE YOUR INTERVIEWER WITH ANYTHING IS VERY EXPENSIVE TO YOU. For example: "I would really like to have a responsible person like you as my son." This kind of compliment is the most subtle and most pleasant for the interlocutor. But the limits of its use are quite narrow. In order for it not to look artificial, firstly, it is necessary to have close and trusting relationships between the interlocutors. And, secondly, the interlocutor must know how important to us what we are comparing with.

There is another form of compliment that can evoke positive emotions even from those who take an extremely negative attitude towards you. This form is called "COMPLIMENT ON THE BACKGROUND OF ANTI-COMPLIMENTATION TO YOURSELF".

For any entrepreneur and any manager, having subordinates and business partners is a production necessity. Therefore, it is necessary to compliment them as often as possible, while observing a few simple rules.

1. Compliments should be made in a confident tone, not embarrassed, but not patronizing. Words should be combined with tone of voice, facial expressions and posture.

2. When giving a compliment, you should predict the partner's reaction. A compliment can also be annoying if it's inappropriate.

3. No need to utter contradictory compliments that have hidden connotations.

4. A compliment should reflect only positive qualities without a double meaning, when the quality can be assessed as both positive and negative.

5. The positive quality reflected in the compliment should have only a slight exaggeration. Otherwise, the compliment turns into a mockery.

6. You can not make a compliment about those qualities from which a person seeks to get rid of.

8. Additions cannot be made to a compliment, which become a "fly in the ointment" for him, that is, significantly worsen.

A compliment differs from flattery precisely in that it contains a slight exaggeration. The flatterer greatly exaggerates the dignity of the interlocutor. Flattery is rougher than a compliment and therefore has a greater chance of being rejected because of a blatant inconsistency with the real state of affairs. Therefore, in a business conversation, there is a clear advantage for a compliment as a more subtle and effective tool.

A positive perception of a compliment is facilitated by the use in it of facts known to both partners, and the interpretation of this fact presents the interlocutor in a favorable light.

The absence of a factual basis makes the compliment unconvincing and can reduce the statement to the level of banal flattery. If there are doubts whether the interlocutor will understand what fact is being discussed, it is better not to risk it and first remind about him, and then play up.

It’s worst if the compliment is against the facts. For example, if your companion has not slept all night, suffering from a toothache, and you tell him that he looks great today, your words will be perceived as nothing more than a mockery.

The complimentary part of the statement should be as short as possible, contain one or two thoughts, no more. And to be simple in design and obviously understandable.

One must be able not only to make a compliment, but also to adequately respond to it, moreover, preferably immediately, otherwise the interlocutor, if he is not offended, will no longer want to please you the next time. The general formula for responding to a compliment is: "It's thanks to you!" All art consists in the ability to vary it. In other words, it is necessary to return the psychological "plus" to your interlocutor... At the same time, it is important to praise him for really positive qualities.

There are other very important techniques for creating a good impression with others. These techniques involve the following manner of communicating with interlocutors.

Every person, no matter how passionate he is with his work, has his own personal life - personal interests, hobbies, aspirations, interests and needs of his family. If you conduct a conversation with the interlocutor in the mainstream of his personal interests, then this, as a rule, will cause heightened verbal activity in him, accompanied by positive emotions, and he will perceive you as a sensitive and attentive person.

You, of course, have seen a couple in love sitting in a restaurant. They look into each other's eyes, one repeats the postures and gestures of the other, as if "reflecting" him in himself. They speak with the same volume and speed, use the same words, turns, and even breathe in the same rhythm. These people are in a special situation, which in Western psychological science is called "rapport situation".

Rapport means that the feelings, thoughts and interests of people are in harmony, that people are good together and that they support each other. This harmony of relationships is reminiscent of musical resonance.

If you strike one tuning fork and bring it to another, then the second tuning fork begins to sound in unison with the first. A similar resonance arises between people when they work and live in an atmosphere of sincerity and trust.

A rapport between two people is a close, trusting, open, free, reliable and pleasant relationship between them.

We can say that in conditions of rapport, people naturally feel at home "at home."

RAPPORT is unity, attunement to the same wave, mutual sympathy... In other words, you are in a state of rapport with this or that person to the extent that you discover common features with him and speak a common language - the language of words and the language of the body.

When you come into contact with another person, you can take one of the following two positions.

1. Concentrate on the differences between you.

2. Focus on similarities, that is, on what you agree and respond to in the same way.

If you highlight the differences, it will be nearly impossible for you to create a rapport situation with other people. But if you concentrate on the general, you will find that resistance, opposition, distrust, skepticism, fear, anger and other unnecessary and meaningless feelings disappear easily.

In fact, people have a lot in common. If you wish, you can see yourself in others and feel sympathy for them.

When people feel connected to each other, it becomes easier for them to live and work together, they accept criticism better, are open to change and actively strive to contribute to a common cause.

A rapport is the best type of relationship people can have, and this should not be forgotten by someone who wants to create a good impression of themselves with others. Being in a rapport situation, people unconsciously adjust to each other.

The most effective tool for creating rapport is pacing, which means "holding a mirror in front of someone." In psychology, pacing is understood as any form of "reflection" of another person, i.e. creating an environment in which everything he sees, hears or feels seems to him to be right, good and just.

PACING (or reflection of feelings) is the desire to show the interlocutor that we understand his feelings. How nice it is to talk with a sensitive interlocutor who shares your emotions and experiences, not paying special attention to the content of speech, the essence of which sometimes does not have much meaning for you.

Pacing means showing the other person the side of your personality that is closest to them. People tend to sympathize with those who are like them and do not want to argue with those they like. Best of all, we communicate with people who look at the world the same way we do, who have the same likes and dislikes. We choose friends among people who give us a sense of inner harmony.

Pacing happens completely unconsciously when there is sympathy, i.e. when rapport exists. But pacing can also be used deliberately as a specific technique for achieving rapport, in a situation where people do not know each other well, are reserved, expectant or skeptical, are in a defensive or offensive position, are nervous, etc.

The highest goal of any communication is to achieve rapport... The best way to do this is pacing. Having mastered the pacing technique, you will be able to emerge victorious from many difficult situations that arise in the process of your communication with other people.

Details Created: 03/29/2016 11:18 AM

Don't be offended by bad compliments. It's just that not everyone knows how to express their thoughts clearly.Hearing the phrase "You have such a beautiful face!" - do not answer: "Oh, and the body, then, is not very good?"

People hardly wanted to hurt you, but your self-doubt will be obvious.

Kate Winslet

A compliment is a universal way to win over a person. Everyone is pleased to hear a compliment addressed to him, since the compliment satisfies the human need for positive emotions.

What is a compliment?

Compliment(French compliment) is a special form of praise, an expression of approval, respect, recognition or admiration; kind, pleasant words. It is quite easy to distinguish a compliment from flattery; the flatterer greatly exaggerates the dignity of the interlocutor. Flattery is rougher and more likely to be rejected because it is implausible.

Compliments are a very powerful weapon in our hands, a powerful tool for influencing ourselves and other people. With the help of a compliment, we can cheer up a person, cheer him up, encourage him, make him our ally or friend. Complimenting is a wonderful skill that everyone needs.

There are many different kinds of compliments. But most often we use three of them.

Type 1 is a compliment directly aimed at a person's personality, that is, at his qualities, abilities, skills and character traits.

Tanya, I really like your dedication, your ability to achieve your goals. From the outside it seems that you do it easily, while getting real pleasure.

We often say compliments of the first kind to people we know well. The peculiarity of this type is that, in addition to qualities and skills, it is imperative to say what actions or deeds a person has performed, which give us the opportunity to assume that he has this or that quality.

It is not enough to say, "You are kind." It is necessary to explain why on earth I think so. Otherwise, the compliment becomes flattery.

Type 2 - a compliment aimed at a person's personality through something material that belongs to him or her appearance (hairstyle, makeup, jewelry, clothes, car, apartment ...).

Vasily Nikolaevich, what a cool organizer you have. He says that you plan your activities and always achieve your goals.

To whom did we compliment? Vasily Nikolaevich. But they did it through the organizer. After all, if a person just needed to take notes, he would most likely buy a notebook. Since he has a new organizer, he is most likely going to develop such a quality as purposefulness. If we saw this and said about it, we made it clear to the person that we see his personality behind things. And above all - the personality.

Type 3 - a compliment aimed at a person's personality through my feelings and sensations that I experience when communicating with him.

Kirill, I feel very confident next to you. You instill in me this confidence with your manner of communication, and it seems to me that when you are around, I can achieve any goals.

We talk about our feelings, but what does the person feel? Joy and gratitude. Moreover, if we say that we can achieve any goals next to this person, he indirectly receives information about his purposefulness.

Compliments of the third kind are good to use when communicating with a stranger or with a group of people. We cannot compliment everyone if we have several interlocutors, but we can say about our sincere feelings, thereby placing the group in relation to ourselves. This is much better than saying routine phrases or befitting platitudes.

And yet, for many, the question remains, how is it better to formulate a compliment so that it is appropriate and has the desired impact on the interlocutor? It is enough to know a few rules, following which, the ability to make compliments will lead to success and the expected sympathy of the interlocutor.

Rules for formulating compliments:

Rule 1. A compliment shouldn't be impersonal. He always has his addressee - a woman or a man, a work employee, etc. The main thing is to address a person by name (first name, patronymic) and look at this person at the same time.

Rule 2. The compliment should be sincere. When giving a compliment, you should be as honest and frank as possible, your words should not contain pronounced flattery.

Rule 3. A compliment that emphasizes the individual traits of the addressee, makes him stand out from the general crowd is valuable. For example, “You have such a radiant smile!”, “You always dress elegantly and tastefully”, etc.

Rule 4. Facial expressions, gestures must correspond to words. When complimenting, smile.

Rule 5. Avoid stamps.

Rule 6. Don't compliment in passing.

Rule 7. A compliment cannot be lectured. "This dress suits you, always wear it" - this is already a lesson, not a compliment.

By following these simple rules, your compliments will always be appreciated!

Types and examples of irresistible compliments

1. You do not admire the person himself, but what is dear to him: the leader - the success of his team or enterprise, the parents - their children, the lover - the object of his passion, the collector - his most valuable acquisitions, the hunter - his gun, etc.

It is enough, having entered the office of a woman boss or in the reception room of a secretary, to notice in between times the taste with which the furnishings were chosen, how comfortable you feel here, having shown interest in flowers, in order to earn a certain disposition towards yourself.

2. You praise the person in his absence, confident that he will know about your words.

When, in 1985, Reagan made his first televised address to the American people after a major operation, he said: “First ladies are not elected and they receive no remuneration. These are individuals who have to always be in sight. Abigail Adams helped the second president of the United States to create America, Dolly Madison, together with her husband, defended her. Eleanor Roosevelt represented the eyes and ears of the president. Nancy Reagan is everything to me. "

"Does she have an impact on me?" - Asked Reagan and gave the answer: “Yes. Never in my life have I been so happy as with her. She is as you see her. Tactful and very conscientious. I always miss her when we are apart. We are very happy. I am sure that even if I sell shoes, as my father did, she will help me in this. She is a very intelligent person. There is not a single topic that I could not discuss with her. "

Hearing this speech, his wife cried with happiness.

3. Compliment "minus-plus". You "give" the interlocutor at first a small minus, and then - a huge plus. For example: “I cannot say that you are a good worker. You are simply irreplaceable for us! "

After the "minus", the listener is lost and ready to be indignant and therefore most acutely and emotionally perceives the positive part of the statement. Psychologists consider this compliment to be the most memorable one.

The leader has introduced a rule for himself to congratulate his subordinates on their birthday. On the birthday of employee T.I., having entered her room, he learned that she was ill. He called her at home and said in a serious voice that he had one serious business with her. “I’m listening,” the employee answered with tension in her voice, deciding that he would not even let her cheer. “My business is that I want to congratulate you from the bottom of my heart on your birthday, and myself on the fact that I have such a wonderful employee. It is a pity that we have to say this not in person. I hope you'll get better soon". Sobbing was heard in the receiver “T. I., have I offended you in some way? " - “Oh, no, what are you! It's so nice, it's me for joy. "

4. Compliment - comparison with something most dear to the author of the compliment: "How I would dream of having a son as responsible as you." Such compliments are pleasant, but the scope of their applicability is limited: a) in order for it not to look artificial, close and trusting relationships of the interlocutors are necessary; b) the partner should know how important to you what you are comparing with. I had to somehow hear the phrase said as a compliment: "You are as interesting as my barbs." (It turns out that this person is very fond of watching his barbus fish.)

There are many different kinds of compliments. But most often we use three of them.

Type 1 is a compliment directly aimed at a person's personality, that is, at his qualities, abilities, skills and character traits.

Tanya, I really like your dedication, your ability to achieve your goals. From the outside it seems that you do it easily, while getting real pleasure.

We often say compliments of the first kind to people we know well. The peculiarity of this type is that, in addition to qualities and skills, it is imperative to say what actions or deeds a person has performed, which enable us to assume that we have this or that quality in him.
It is not enough to say, "You are kind." It is necessary to explain why on earth I think so. Otherwise, the compliment becomes flattery.

Type 2 - a compliment aimed at a person's personality through something material that belongs to him or her appearance (hairstyle, makeup, jewelry, clothes, car, apartment ...).

Vasily Nikolaevich, what a cool organizer you have. He says that you plan your activities and achieve your goals.

To whom did we compliment? Vasily Nikolaevich. But they did it through the organizer. After all, if a person just needed to take notes, he would most likely buy a notebook. Since he has a new organizer, he is most likely going to develop such a quality as purposefulness. If we saw this and said about it, we made it clear to the person that we see his personality behind things. And above all - the personality.

Type 3 - a compliment aimed at a person's personality through my feelings and sensations that I experience when communicating with him.

Kirill, I feel very confident next to you. You instill in me this confidence with your manner of communication, and it seems to me that when you are around, I can achieve any goals.

We talk about our feelings, but what does the person feel? Joy and gratitude. Moreover, if we say that we can achieve any goals next to this person, he indirectly receives information about his purposefulness.

Compliments of the third kind are good to use when communicating with a stranger or with a group of people. We cannot compliment everyone if we have several interlocutors, but we can say about our sincere feelings, thereby placing the group in relation to ourselves. This is much better than saying routine phrases or befitting platitudes.

Sergey Zykin,
international business coach,
Director of the Moscow Art Center "Evolution".