What if scandals in the family become permanent? Constant scandals in the family

05.08.2019

Family scandals don't appear out of nowhere. Most often, serious mutual grievances and misunderstandings are behind minor causes of small domestic quarrels. It is unlikely that it will be possible to completely avoid family scandals, but it is possible and necessary to learn how to reduce the intensity of passions and their consequences.

How to avoid family scandals

How to avoid a scandal with family

Quarrels in the family, unfortunately, are not uncommon. Often behind them is the disorder of life or a conflict of generations when adult children live together with their parents. Two housewives (mother and daughter) cannot get along in the kitchen, and father and son-in-law cannot divide the territory and spheres of influence in any way.

There is no universal recipe for how to avoid scandals in the family, but knowing little tricks, you can extinguish the flame of an incipient quarrel with family, until love, respect and mutual understanding are burnt in it.

Make concessions on small things, but stand your ground in global decisions.
Weigh every word you want to say when irritated, tired, or angry.
If you can get away from the source of the scandal, do it. Go to the kitchen, balcony, to another room - you will save a lot of nerve cells and energy.

These simple truths help those who want to live peacefully and peacefully with family members. Try you too

How to avoid a scandal with your husband

Quarrels with her husband sometimes lead to a showdown and are even needed to shake up and revive old feelings. However, if this happens often, you need to think about who and under what conditions becomes the instigator of scandals - you or your husband? On which front are your battles going: everyday life, material problems, children and upbringing, or, perhaps, jealousy? Once the reason is identified, it is easier to understand yourself and the relationship.

Family well-being stands on three pillars:

respect and love;
understanding;
empathy (a term in psychology for the ability to empathize, sympathize, put oneself in the place of another).

Material difficulties, everyday life and other family troubles can be overcome if you respect each other's opinions, sympathize and compromise both spouses.

Autumn and winter months most of all dispose to family quarrels and scandals due to lack of sun and bad weather. At this time of the year, we rarely walk on the street and are more annoyed with those who live with us, often regretting then that in vain we have unleashed a flurry of our emotions on them. Nobody wants to make a scandal just like that, it all starts with the fact that you asked the wrong thing or you answered the wrong way. And then it went, went.

Essentially scandal may be different. Sometimes they arrange a family scandal in order to relieve emotional stress. For example, the husband and wife shouted at each other, then they measured themselves, and both felt good at heart. Another thing is when a scandal in a family is caused with the aim of realizing a desire and is a kind of emotional blackmail. An example of this would be the wife's hysteria, who knows well that her husband hates women's tears and screams.

Hysterical and crying wife in this case, he wants to achieve the same as a child who falls to the floor and kicks when he cannot force his parents to buy the one he likes. These two types of scandal can be classified as a kind of family games, which over time can end happily and do not lead to the destruction of the family. But often a scandal flares up as an external manifestation of a deep conflict and is a symptom of serious problems between family members. After such a scandal, none of its participants gets satisfaction and no one manages to concentrate on their person. But bitterness and devastation are bound to come. It becomes very hard on the soul, complete apathy sets in.

For such scandal often follows a divorce or complete indifference, pain and disgust for someone close to you once. The participants in the scandal no longer want to continue living together under one roof, the soul of each is languishing and aching with pain. All the dirt and lies after such a scandal creeps up, there is no point in looking further for excuses and proofs. A scandal of this kind deprives the participants of the joy of life for a long time, they are in a sad mood for a long time, do not want to communicate with anyone and cannot work.

Here is a typical history two once close and dear people, about whom Nina told us: “I love my mother, and we have been living together for 15 years, since my mother moved to live with us to help me babysit my son, who is already 16 years old. In recent years, mom has been constantly irritated and angry for no reason, she can rummage through our personal belongings without asking, cry and accuse us that my son and I are so ungrateful. Now we are fed up with her stories about how much effort and money she spent to raise us, and now she can't even hope that we are able to give her a glass of water before she dies. To explain to her that we love her and will never leave her alone, she has no more strength, she never does not listen to them and says that she already sees how much we hate her. My son and I are already tired of bending to her mood, as soon as she makes a scandal and goes to live with her friend. In our absence, she brings home her friends and neighbors, who complains about us and our "bad" attitude to her. I, too, on this basis are already losing nerves, I often break down on her and say too much, and then for several days I feel completely devastated, do nothing and come to my senses only after her next return home. "

How psychologist, Nina can only be advised one thing, stop feeling sorry for herself in this situation and pay attention to her mother. Of course, she loves them more than anyone else, but from the side of her daughter and grandson, she lacks. Her soul is screaming in pain, and Nina needs to change her approach to her mother, and not try to unsuccessfully get rid of her nagging and accusations. Try not to fall for your loved ones and people close to you, extinguish every scandal that starts from their side with a smile and the words: "Let's not discuss this topic now. I love you so much!" If it doesn't work, go quietly to another room or go up and hug your mom, slightly bothering her so that she understands that you do not like her mood. If she, besides screams, does not perceive anything, then tell her that you cannot communicate with her in such a tone and with pleasure discuss this topic after she calms down and she will have a different mood.

Often elderly parents themselves unwillingly become energy vampires for their children. They constantly harass their families with unreasonable crying and complaints about their lives in order to get a portion of sympathy, care and support from them. At the same time, the vampire parent loves to curse, intimidate and insult his adult son or daughter in order to destroy his psychological defense.

Often also lead jealous and envious spouses themselves, they openly attack, provoking a scandal and causing an explosion of indignation, despair and anger in the partner, and they themselves take energy from him. By portraying jealousy, the vampire spouse keeps his partner in a state of constant emotional stress in order to get another burst of energy from him. After the conflict, the "well-fed" aggressor becomes serene and can have fun with other people, while his victim cannot recover and feels completely devastated.

If after every family scandal if you feel lethargic, tired, uncomfortable and lost working capacity, then this is a sign that you have given all your energy to the person who pulled you into a quarrel. How to save your health and not become a victim of an energy vampire? Do not turn into a savior for an elderly parent or spouse, but only be a helper. There is no need to take responsibility for their lives and do absolutely everything for them. If they provoke you into a scandal, then it is better to agree with all the comments and smile cheerfully. Do not let the vampire catch you, he must understand that as a source of energy you are not available to him. Once you stop getting out of balance, the vampire's interest in you will diminish.

As Kozma Prutkov said: "If you want to be happy, be happy" and no one can darken our life if we ourselves find small joys in life, smile at people more often and see only good in everything.

A scandal in a family is not only stories from the yellow press about the life of celebrities or very important people, but also a routine for ordinary families: lack of money, inappropriate behavior or attitude of a partner, suspicions of treason ... There are many reasons for conflict, but it is better to build relationships without them ...

How to prevent family scandals

They say that in pre-Orthodox times, long before the house building, every family had a tradition of “loving” on Saturdays. This is not something to think about. It's just that the two halves of the family told what they were not happy with, annoyed or disliked in the behavior and attitude of the partner, while listening to each other attentively. Perhaps there was no such tradition, but it can be introduced in order to avoid scandals in the family. We just say everything that does not suit you, do not be shy about it: an adequate husband or wife will understand and try to fix it.

We also try not to provoke the other half with stupid phrases from the series “I told you a thousand times”, “You don’t understand”, “You are the same as your mother”, “And you yourself ...” and much more from the repertoire of your parents. Unfortunately, mom and dad might be wrong, but you can live differently.

Better together. In a family, joint action is simply necessary, and this is not watching TV in the evening. Let you have common hobbies, whether it be art or sports, raising children, etc. It is important here not to over-criticize your spouse's mistakes.

If something in the family does not work out, there is no need to reduce the exactingness of either yourself or your soul mate. For a husband, there is nothing more humiliating, and a woman must be of such a high level that her husband reaches out for her. Develop together, communicate with a wide variety of people, take vacations together, read and attend interesting events.

What else will help prevent scandals in the family. Just learn to look at people positively and never offend your spouse behind the back, for example, by talking about how bad he or she is to friends.

When do family scandals threaten your health?

Any conflicts can be resolved. The ability to listen to each other, the wisdom of the wife, and the help of a psychologist will come in handy here. But sometimes it will be easier to end a relationship than to heal the psyche, soul, and body later.

It is better to end the relationship if the spouse is not only manic jealous or envious, but also an energetic vampire. Provoking a scandal, they expect an outburst of anger, despair and indignation from you, and then, fed with energy, they go to work or communicate with friends as if nothing had happened, leaving you in a dilapidated state.

If after quarrels you feel sluggish, you lose your ability to work, this means that during a scandal all your energy is taken away from you. However, here, too, there is a way out that allows you not to break off relations. It is important here not to succumb to his provocations, not to let the vampire hook you: agree and smile. If you stop getting out of balance, then they will no longer provoke you into a scandal.

How to end family scandals

Don't see your spouse as an enemy. Not only he is guilty of family discord and as long as you consider that your wife or husband is your opponent, who must be crushed under you. You cannot resolve conflicts together.
Try to reduce meaningless talk and rebuke to action. Ask how you should react to bad deeds in your address, what you can think of to avoid this negative reaction, etc.
Take a break. If you don't have the strength to remain silent, just go for a walk, into the bath, into the room. But what you can't do is defiantly go to your laptop or read a magazine. This is even more annoying.
Read sign language. If the spouse closed himself off, crossing his legs and arms, then now is not the time to resolve conflicts. At the same time, if your spouse's fingers are looking up, he feels his own superiority and will rebuff you. If the fingers are not visible or the thumbs are hidden, the spouse feels discomfort and is not ready to resolve the conflict at all. Watch your own body language as well. Do not drop your arms along your body or signal that you may become a victim.
Don't get personal and stay on topic. If a quarrel spiraled around a broken cabinet for a year, there is no need to remember that the husband came in drunk in the middle of the night that week.
Be sure to make compromises and concessions. And this also applies to men. In the little things, everything can be at the request of the halves, and in serious moments, do not shout down your husband or wife.
Change your tactics or theme. If it is annoying that the closet has been broken for a whole year, thank your beloved for sitting “for mom” with the baby on Friday.
Always be prepared to hear and listen. This does not mean that you need to be phlegmatically silent while he says something. If you ask again or agree, then you also want to peacefully resolve this conflict. At the same time, you should not be an "examiner", that is, listen carefully and try to catch your soul mate in a lie or something unacceptable to you. The behavior of the "examiner" will infuriate even more.
You don't need to consider yourself a victim and your partner an evil aggressor. There are probably many misdeeds on your conscience that can ruin the happiest family life.
To end scandals forever, you need to work for a long time both with the reasons and on your own. But you can try and this is the way. Keep a diary of conflicts: what date, because of what. Together, figure out if it helps solve real-life problems. And then you can punish the one who started the scandal. If the showdown is devoted to the topic "Who is in charge here," try to give in one by one.

How to behave after a scandal?

It is unlikely that it will be possible to make up right away. A woman needs to forgive her husband, but not go to intimacy with him (including spiritual). We just silently take care of the housework and the child, and if the husband starts to miss tenderness, just say that she was very unpleasant when he treated her badly or unfairly.

It is important to say here what you felt, not what he, so bad, did. Do not insult him, but talk about your feelings. If he asks to make love, you can refuse and say that you are not ready.

The husband, if he is offended, also should not continue to show the relationship, especially in public, or defiantly leave. It's just important to ask for forgiveness from the bottom of your heart and try to understand what exactly you offended your half.

It is imperative to talk after the conflict. There is no need to shout and beat the dishes, to generalize. We just talk quietly and calmly, sharing everything that we do not like in the relationship and behavior of the spouse. The result of the conversation should be some kind of agreement, within the framework of which both husband and wife must make certain concessions. Both of you are guilty, so you need to answer together.

What you don't need to do is humiliate yourself and beg forgiveness on your knees, promising a vacation to all the islands at once and daily dinners in the best restaurants. Don't take all the blame (and this applies to both husbands and wives). So you only give a reason for further humiliation. But there is no need to "hang" on this story and remember it all the time.

You shouldn't be stubborn either. It is difficult for men to say “I'm sorry,” even if the remorse is sincere. Go forward, do not give ultimatums. Be softer. All of the above applies to husbands too.

At the end of the conflict, draw conclusions. And even if you do not quite understand what your wife or husband demanded of you, then at least admit it to yourself.

When the conflict is over, you can arrange a romantic date (even within your room), arrange a surprise for your beloved (beloved): the war is over and family life can be started from the very beginning.

Family scandal: good or evil?

No matter how spoiled the mood after conflicts, it is important to remember that a family scandal is not an apocalypse, but a part of life. In addition, if you have two leaders in your couple, there will always be a showdown. In fact, this is better than silence and suppression: it is not known what latent discontent will eventually grow into. Still, life without scandals is more enjoyable, and energy vampires can benefit from them. Therefore, always listen to each other and let your loved one speak out. Learning to understand a loved one is easier than scandalous and offending.

Many believe that scandals arise on their own, spontaneously and that nothing can be done to stop them. To learn how to avoid conflict with your loved one, you need to work hard together on this problem. Ten rules for preventing scandals between two loving people will help you understand the complex mental processes that cause inharmonious relationships in the family.

1. Reasons

There are a huge number of reasons for scandals between two spouses. The most common of these are jealousy scandals, money scandals, drunkenness scandals, work scandals, sex because of intentionally inflicted grudges, and others. Depending on the reasons for which you are used to sorting things out every time and talking to each other in a raised voice, you need to figure out how, stop the conflict and agree on how not to start it again. It is quite easy to formulate the reasons for the scandal on your own. Anyone can understand that you are swearing because of jealousy, if the scandal began because of a lipstick stain on his shirt. It is more difficult to pinpoint the deeper causes of scandals that lurk in the psyche of your partner and speak of mental reactions and inclinations.

All causes of scandals should be divided into primary (deeper psychological reasons) and secondary, that is, those that are directly related to the topic of the scandal. It is safe to say that all the primary causes of conflicts are selfish, since an unselfish person thinks more rationally and finds ways to solve all issues, taking into account the opinion and interests of a partner, and therefore predicts any situation and does not bring it to an open conflict. The hidden selfish reasons include the habit of making trouble as a way to achieve their goals. Also, the most common hidden reason for many scandals may be the desire to dominate a partner, when the second partner, during communication, tries to take a dominant position, and if this cannot be done peacefully, then it switches to communication on emotions. The hidden cause of scandals can also be revenge, like an attempt to arrange a quarrel for some wrongdoing.

Usually, if a partner makes a scandal out of habit, he does not achieve anything after the end of the scandal, but simply periodically arranges for them on various occasions with the conviction that if a scandal is not arranged over a problem, then the problems will increase. The spouse, who is scandalous out of habit, for many years, always scolds the drunk husband simply because of the incident. She believes that if she does not scold him, then he will drink even more. That is, the scandal in this case, in the opinion of its initiator, is a deterrent to major problems. A girl or a guy who scandals because of jealousy out of habit will never miss a single occasion when there is an opportunity to express their dissatisfaction with the behavior of a partner in society. This is because these types of conflicts are not deliberately arranged, that is, they turn out by themselves as a result of a strong emotional resentment, the reaction to which is difficult to restrain, just as it is difficult to restrain the tears of a child when he was deprived of his favorite toy.

Scandals are deliberately arranged to achieve certain goals. For example, if a spouse asks to buy her a fur coat, and the spouse refuses to do this, the woman throws a tantrum, the end of which should be the husband's consent to fulfill her demand. Usually, the one who arranges this type of quarrel successfully achieved his goals earlier than all with the help of screams and tantrums, and this way of resolving issues became a habit and became the main tool for achieving results. From the previous type of habit of swearing without results, and for the sake of indignation itself, this type of habit of conflict differs in that in this case there is a goal and the intended outcome of the conflict. Often such conflicts occur with the use of blackmail, threats and even assault.

Scandals arranged by partners in order to show "who is the boss" are usually not as specific as previous ones and relate to issues of general behavior and lifestyle of partners. During such quarrels, both spouses begin to go through all the cases when their other half behaved incorrectly, to indicate each other's long-standing mistakes, shortcomings and incriminating information from the past. An example of this type of scandal may be the spouse's dissatisfaction with the fact that the husband decides with his mother the issues that he should solve with his wife. The wife will be perfectly logical to assert her rights to the primacy of her voice in family matters, that is, she will fight for dominance. Such scandals more often than others lead to offers to leave, divorce and look for new partners.

2. What to do?

If you really decided to end scandals, you need to be patient and prepare for a rather long and painstaking work, since you will have to change your habits developed over the years and the habits of your partner, which are fixed in your mind as ways of self-realization. All thoughts that one can simply suppress the urge to swear about various problems should be discarded, and forget that this problem can be solved easily. It is best to solve it together, but the main thing is not to make another scandal out of an attempt to solve the problem with scandals.

Different causes of scandals suggest different approaches to eradicate them, so it is necessary first of all to correctly identify the hidden causes of quarrels between you. Secondly, you need to try during the next showdown not to get carried away with emotions and claims, but to reflect on how your quarrel usually develops. Try to notice and analyze who is more often the initiator of the conflict, how the quarrel begins, to what extent the tension reaches and how it ends. Try to feel the states of your consciousness during the scandal. Try to understand if you can finish it at any moment, and for example, unexpectedly start kissing, or your brain enters a state that cannot stop until all emotions are thrown out, and the partner at such moments is unpleasant or even disgusting to him.

The brain acts independently, and during a scandal it is difficult to keep it from aggravating relations, as it quickly finds the necessary arguments to parry the partner's remarks, connects volitional qualities, and at the moment of resentment, forgets and considers everything that was between you before that to be unimportant. In emotional impulses, he can not skimp on insults even to very dear and close people, commit meanness and rash acts, and so on. When a person comes to his senses after such violent scandals, he sometimes hardly believes that this happened to him. Of course, it is best to learn how to control your mind and by intuition to stop it in the moments when it starts up for the next indignation and conflict. In this case, you need to learn to control your mind and try to manipulate your beliefs.

For example, if a husband refuses to look for a new job and decides to work at an enterprise where he is paid a salary that does not suit you. In such cases, the wife, convinced that there is not enough money and it is necessary to force her husband to go to another job, starts another scandal on this topic. The driving force behind such a scandal is the belief that a quality life happens where there is a lot of money, and a woman's dreams of how this money can be spent. Often such beliefs and dreams are associated with the impression that there is only one step left to these imaginary purchases, and the main thing is that all these purchases are more important than anything in the world and without them life practically loses its meaning. Here you can try to look at the problem differently and convince yourself that many people feel great without any purchases, that they can be made gradually and not in the near future, but somewhat later. One can imagine that there could be no high-paying job at all, and in this case there would be no reason for scandals. This manipulation of the brain's beliefs can help get rid of the obsession with getting everything as much as possible and as soon as possible.

If you can't master your consciousness and just restrain yourself and you can't convince yourself, you can try to get your brain out of habitual reactions by replacing some habits with others. For example, if your wife is used to achieving her goals through scandals, you need to stop this practice forever and together develop the habit of achieving goals in other ways. For example, telling her that if she starts a scandal, then she will definitely not achieve anything. After several failed attempts to achieve something with a scandal, she will most likely realize that this method no longer works, at least with you. You can agree together, instead of achieving goals with the help of swearing, try, for example, to achieve them through sex or something that the other partner desires most. This kind of compromise can help each partner get what they want.

You can try to get rid of the habit of making trouble in the family by showing your partner that his scandals do not lead to anything, but simply enter into a common way of life. Start marking every day on your calendar when you fight and why. Talk about whether scandals are helping you solve the problems you are trying to solve with them. Agree to punish the next partner who decides to make a scandal. For example, it can be punished by deprivation of money for the purchase of a thing of interest to him. You can agree to make love whenever it comes to conflict. One of the most effective means of dealing with constant squabbles is a method in which partners agree to fulfill each other's demands without waiting for pressure and emotions. For example, if your spouse requires you not to drink alcohol, your spouse should stop doing so. Indeed, it is difficult to deal with scandals by constantly fueling them with your behavior, which is why experts recommend reducing conflicts by reducing those actions that cause resentment of your partner.

With the scandals associated with finding out "who is in charge of the family" and whose decisions are decisive, you need to work in a slightly different way. If you swear in such a way that no one concedes to anyone, then you can establish a priority in this matter, and then both partners will concede to each other in conflicts in turn. It will gradually become clear that in most cases, no matter who makes the decision, scandals occur because both spouses are simply used to fighting for supremacy and simply do not know how to control themselves and control thinking and emotions.

It should be said that jealousy scandals in cases where partners really do not cheat on each other and do not seek adventure on the side are normal, and it is not at all necessary to get rid of them. It doesn't matter for what reason your other half is jealous of everyone in a row, it is important that the very fact that the brain is anxious about this indicates that her brain is focused on your person, which is of the highest interest to him. Such a strong attachment and dependence is a great success, and it is foolish to fight the feelings of a partner who loves you as much as possible no one will ever love.

If your conflicts arise out of mutual insults, revenge or irritation, then there is only one way to stop them - just stop insulting each other, taking revenge and getting irritated. Such behavior is directly related to the natural savagery of the brain, which, being at a certain stage of evolution and possessing a certain set of individual properties, sometimes gives out uncivilized desires. Children at school are constantly in conflict, fight, call each other names, since they do not have clear convictions about their behavior, have no experience in solving ethical situations and do not have the skills to manage their emotions. When children become adults, they compete and sort things out without insulting and humiliating others. This is called growing up. That is, if you do not compliment each other, but insult and humiliate each other, then you just need to grow up.

3. Conclusion

Family scandals sometimes reduce relationships to constant squabbles over every issue, discontent and reproaches. In such conditions, each of the partners becomes more and more difficult to understand each other, it is more difficult to communicate, and as a result, the spouses avoid communication with each other. Family scandals are often the main underlying cause of drunkenness, sex problems, health problems, as well as cheating and divorce. The brain has a tendency to aggravate the situation so intensely during scandals that to stop them it requires the help of not a specialist psychologist, but a police squad. It is not advisable to ignore the issue with scandals.

15.12.2014
R. Efremov
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, Comments (1) on What to do if there are constant scandals at home? disabled

Scandals at home
Hello!

What if there are constant scandals at home? We have been together for 1.5 years, have been living together for almost a year and love each other very much. But, as a rule, for a week or two, everything is fine with us, we do not quarrel and we don’t even have any disagreements, and then any small, most insignificant misunderstanding can lead to a scandal. Moreover, the scandal is terrible: with hysterics, screams, tears, right up to fights.

But no matter how many times I told myself that it was time to end such a relationship, we are still together and still put up. I really want to see fewer such scandals at home and stormy showdowns. It seems to me that we are simply giving vent to the accumulated negative emotions and irritation, but is it really impossible to do otherwise? Help me please. I want to start a family with him and be happy, but this problem gets in the way.

Hello.

You write that constant scandals at home can be caused by the fact that in this way you give an outlet to the accumulated negative emotions. If they accumulate, it means that in small portions they do not go outside, but are collected inside. If too much steam accumulates in the saucepan, it can explode. To avoid an explosion, you just need to open the lid so that the steam can escape as it accumulates.

Observe yourself: how often do you not talk about your little dissatisfaction with something, because you do not want to quarrel? Conflict is a normal way of reaching agreements between people who grew up in different families and are used to doing a lot in different ways. In the course of the conflict, it becomes clear who wants what and what concessions it is ready to make. If you do not allow yourself such small and frequent conflicts, your mutual discontent accumulates and leads to an explosion.

The first year of living together is a crisis. At this time, adaptation to each other takes place, new rules are created for life together, therefore, during this period there are usually more quarrels than in the following periods of family life. If you try to avoid quarrels, then many things that annoy you may remain unclear and will then poison your family life.

What if there are constant scandals at home?

1. It is best to go to a family psychologist, together or at least you alone. Why can you come alone? Because in relationships, a lot usually changes if you change your own actions. It’s not that they’re wrong, but that there are better ways to change the relationship in a way that suits you.

2. Ask your spouse and make yourself a list of what you would like to change. The list should not contain complaints, but wishes to a partner, formulated as concretely as possible, for example: “I want you to warm up dinner and meet me on the doorstep before I come home from work” or “I want you to give me flowers at least once a month ". The very formulation of wishes can be a daunting task.

3. After making the lists and after each of you reads them, you need to discuss what each of you is willing to do from the other's list. You can start by doing one or two steps until they become a habit.

4. If there are constant scandals at home, probably everyone feels that the other does not hear him. Spend at least an hour every week on such a game: let each say what the other, in his opinion, does not understand and does not take into account, and the second must repeat what he said in his own words so that the first agrees that he understood it correctly. Phrases need to be clarified until the first one agrees, and then play in the opposite direction.

5. Have the husband say what his wife can do to calm him down when he loses his temper. Let the wife say the same. The option “just do as I ask” is not always feasible. It's about how you can comfort each other. Some people are helped by being hugged. For some - when they are simply listened to, looking up from the phone or computer. Others need to be told something specific, for example, "We will now decide everything, you just catch your breath and start speaking more calmly, I am listening to you." People do not always know what can calm them down, but sometimes they do, and these are quite simple things. Exchange "instructions" for handling with each other if you haven't already.