How to get rid of jealousy. Jealousy is healthy and neurotic. ways to treat jealousy

30.06.2019

How often we are jealous of a loved one and harass him with constant interrogations and suspicions, without realizing it. At first, of course, this is pleasant, it seems that you seem to be not indifferent, they take care of you and “there is a struggle” for you. However, over time it stops being funny. Constant reproaches and speculation are ready to drive any person into a corner, and then he begins to think about real treason, because this is what he is constantly suspected of?

What is jealousy

Jealousy is an emotional state when you try to protect your partner from other potential acquaintances and communication with the opposite sex. However, most people do not want to admit to themselves that they are really jealous. Often, jealousy comes from childhood, where the parental model of relationships was before our eyes.

What is the nature of jealousy? Why does a human being try to be sole in possession of a partner? Most animals do not have this feeling. However, people also have situations when several women share one man - an oriental harem. Women of a polygamist are on an equal footing and receive the same amount of wealth and attention from a spouse. And they are not at all jealous of his rivals (or do we not know much?).

But we are not going to breed a harem, and our halves, knowing this, behave decently, but for some reason this is not enough for us. Constant checks on the phone, correspondence on social networks, checking all friends of the opposite sex - life becomes like a manic pursuit. Jealousy is like salt - pleasant only in small quantities. This is a feeling that definitely needs to get rid of.

Causes of jealousy

Why are we jealous? Here are a few basic and common problems.

Unfinished situations associated with betrayal or betrayal in the past. In fact, there is a very fine line here. If there was a case in your life when a partner cheated (or almost did it), jealousy increases exponentially. It happens that you seem to have forgiven a person in words, let them into your life again so as not to lose relationships, not to ruin a family, etc. However, the soul did not reconcile, and the heart did not forgive, because you cannot order them. And every time a loved one is late from work, thoughts always return to that very situation.
Feelings of inferiority. Often this occurs in socially unequal people. If he is the soul of the company, was the first handsome man in the class, and she is a gray mouse that no one paid attention to, a woman develops a powerful emotional conflict. She does not understand why he chose her, why he fell in love with her (does she have something to fall in love with?). And throughout her life, this feeling of insecurity and inferiority gnaws at her, pushing her into a constant feeling of jealousy.
Another cause of jealousy is the misperception of feelings of love. Some pathological jealous people believe that the more they are jealous of a partner, the more love they will show him. This model of understanding jealousy also often comes from childhood.

Types of jealousy

Jealousy, as a natural feeling, can be normal and pathological. Normal jealousy - has an undoubted place for existence, often its absence is also a big problem. After all, if a person is absolutely indifferent to you, if he doesn’t ask where you are staying, where this bouquet of flowers comes from, it’s not good. But where is this line? How to define a "healthy norm of jealousy"? It's different for every relationship. Rare jokes like “why did she look at you like that?” and the like are appropriate. However, if jealousy suffocates a partner and stops letting you live a normal life, you need to urgently fight it.

Jealousy is not only between a man and a woman. Jealousy often manifests itself in sibling relationships when there is a struggle for parental attention. Jealousy very closely borders on such a concept as "envy".

First, try to understand what are you afraid of? Lose a loved one? Will you be able to keep him by force in case of what? Understand that YOUR person will never leave you anywhere. And if he left, then he was never yours in the first place. Sooner or later it would have happened. So is it really necessary to torment yourself with conjectures and conjectures?
If you want to keep a person, let him go. This rule works one hundred percent. Move away from this problem, take care of yourself. No need to think about your partner every second. Go in for sports, sign up for painting, driving, beading or cooking classes. Free time gives rise to thoughts that are unnecessary in a given situation. Show the person that they are not your whole life. That you have many other interests and hobbies. And he will move towards you.

Get better. Why do you underestimate yourself? Why do you think it's impossible to love you? Every person is unique and you are no exception. You need to bring yourself to life in the literal and figurative sense. Change your hair, update your wardrobe, go to the spa - all this can work wonders.
Don't be jealous, let them be jealous of you. Awaken a slight jealousy in your partner. This does not mean that you should come home with bouquets of flowers (women) and lipstick on your collar (men). Allow yourself to lightly flirt with strangers in front of your partner. It may be just a smile and a polite word, but it will not go unnoticed. Do not go too far, otherwise you risk becoming a target for unbridled jealousy.
If your jealousy is groundless, you should not try to hurt your loved one. You need to deal with yourself and your own feelings. Understand that a loved one is a full-fledged person who has not only a personal life, but also a job, a hobby. Do not block it in all areas. No need to call him every five minutes, annoying and interfering with work. There is no need to demand a minute-by-minute report of where and with whom he was. If you love a person, trust him.
Stop imagining. Here your husband helped the woman collect the fallen papers and left with a polite smile. If I hadn't been there, you thought, he would certainly have escorted her home. No need to fantasize and think out the possibility of the situation. You attract into life what you think about. Be glad that you have such a gallant husband who is able to come to the aid of a woman. After all, that's why you fell in love with him. Think about what this woman probably thought in her heart, "what an intelligent man." But it's your husband! Let him envy!
Don't compare yourself to others. There will always be someone or she who is more beautiful, slimmer, smarter or richer than you. But your partner chose you. With your strengths and weaknesses. Do you really think that if he meets a woman who is more suitable for some parameters, he will exchange you for her. Surely there are some of your spiritual qualities for which your man fell in love with you.
Understand that constant jealousy can torment any person. And he may have the thought “why not change, anyway, every day I listen for treason, which was not.” And he begins to pay attention to a more balanced and calm friend of the opposite sex. Thus, you yourself are pushing him to betrayal.
Try to meet up with your friends more often. Just do not choose envious people. Find a person in your environment who will cheer you up and bring you back to life. No need to communicate with those who "wind" you.
Call your loved one for a frank conversation. Try to understand the motives of certain actions. Silent and thinking, you can easily draw an unpleasant picture in your head. If your husband is late at work every day, try to speak frankly with him about your suspicions. Perhaps he found a part-time job to buy you an expensive anniversary gift, and you have already mentally figured out his mistress.

Jealousy is a negative feeling that should not be allowed to grow and consume all your thoughts and feelings. If jealousy becomes unbridled and uncontrollable, you need to contact a psychologist. However, in most cases, you are able to cope with these problems on your own, because you are a strong, self-sufficient person, aren't you?

Video: how to stop being jealous (consultation of a psychologist)

Today I will tell how to get rid of jealousy against your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands to their girlfriends? Your wives to unknown men? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?

Reasons for jealousy:

First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
Secondly, it grows out of self-doubt, in their relationship with a partner (friend, child, anyone). Uncertainty that the partner loves you and will not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
Thirdly, jealousy is the result of a possessive attitude towards your partner. Desires to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.

What did we not see in the list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and distrust.

How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?

1. Get rid of everything that does not serve your love.

During jealousy attacks, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on the spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with members of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they do not even think about where this feeling leads them.

Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving some problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other, should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be confident in the fidelity of their partner and do everything in order to feed this confidence, even if it causes a wave of distrust, negative emotions and quarrels for empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.

People are used to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.

But in fact, the paranoia that appears on the basis of jealousy does not at all serve the goals of love and a harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.

Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself envelop your relationship with an atmosphere of distrust. You are so afraid of losing your partner, but at the same time, you try to control his every step, blame him, create prohibitions, swear, scream, suspect ...

Does this set the stage for close, trusting, healthy, and lasting relationships? The irony of jealousy (and indeed of many other feelings based on fear) is that because of your fear, you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Distrust and paranoia ultimately make relationships more fragile and alienate you from your partner.

The next time you get jealous and feel like yelling at your husband or checking his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How will this help your love? How can this prevent the things (losing a partner, breaking up a relationship) that you are so afraid of from appearing?

If your answer to all three questions is “No” or “It will only get in the way”, then give your jealousy a red color.

This alone, of course, will not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But, the first step towards getting rid of negative emotions is the realization that you do not need these emotions, that they only interfere with you.

Rid your relationship of what does not serve the interests of love!

2. Eliminate your fears

Of what we are afraid, we naturally do not want to think. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don't even want to think about it!" Strange as it may sound, but our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.

Of course, you will disagree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”

But you don't think about what will happen next. You only think about negative emotions at the moment of the realization of your fear. Try to mentally go beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.

Think: “What will happen a year after our breakup? What will happen in five years. The first few months must be tough for me. But then I'll start to come to my senses little by little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe they will be even better than these.

(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live even after infidelity! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)

Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to run these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will continue to live, and not about how bad it will be for you at the moment your fear is fulfilled!

Don't get too attached to what you have. At the moment, it may seem to you that the relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But, this is partly an illusion and a deception. It is difficult for people to think in the perspective of their whole life, and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.

This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting strongly attached to something? I am attached to what I love: to my children, to my family, to my work, to my goal. This is the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things I love?”

No, I suggest only to stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.

If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? I do not think. The fear of losing those relationships in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!

Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And the fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.

Not having strong affection does not mean not loving. Not being strongly attached means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being more realistic. Be ready for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.

3. Stop comparing

“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, smarter, more beautiful!”

“There are so many men around her who are more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can last.”

These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You start comparing yourself to other members of your gender, and you become overwhelmed by the fear of competition. But men and women are not some goods in the love market!

Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “commodity”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the best analogy, but closer.

I mean, your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first started. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were connected only by mutual attraction.

But, in the course of the development of relations, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of relations understand each other more and more deeply, as they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, as they overcome another difficulty that has arisen in their path ...

And this capital is a thing too valuable. It cannot be easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself do not know. And this is what allows you to prefer more successful and attractive people.

"Good" - you say. “What if our relationship is not like “building joint moral capital”. They just crumble. I don't think there's anything between us anymore."

Then move on to the next item.

4. Improve your relationship

Spend more time with your partner. Find out his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Bring variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!

I'm not going to give detailed instructions here on how to improve relationships. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of the spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. It is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.

If in the course of your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy, after a while it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have less reason to be jealous.

In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (treason), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!

Recently I have been thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this is due to the fact that countries with big economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. This way, to lie, organize surveillance and create prohibitions, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deceit.

But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, because it provides its residents with good living conditions and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to love. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.

You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to accumulate joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. It's better than doing it through bans and surveillance.

5. Curb your imagination

Your husband is late at work. And now pictures are already coming to your mind in which he has fun with other women. But do not rush to let your imagination go ahead. If you keep imagining it, then it will be difficult for you to get out of these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.

These fantasies deprive you of the possibility of a sober assessment of the situation. Therefore, if you notice bouts of paranoia because of your partner’s betrayal, then make it a rule: “ first thought is the wrong thought until she proves otherwise.

It can be said presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my momentary feelings try to present it.

So put all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. First, calm your mind. Anyway, as long as you are covered by anxiety and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.

So shift your attention to something else. Don't let him get "bogged down" in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their "negative pole". Then you can assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were unfounded. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.

6. Stop living only your partner's life.

Often the reason for jealousy is the fixation of one of the partners on the life of the other. It happens that this happens for the reason that one of the partners does not have their own personal interests and their own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.

This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make you or the person whose life you interfere in happy!

To avoid this, add some variety to your life. Find your hobbies and your passion. In no case should this be an excuse for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to understand that there is more to life than your husband or your children.

At the same time, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live some other life than family. Leave him space to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, do not try to explore every inch of his life and do not squeeze it in the grip of control.

It will also help you become less attached to your relationship, as you will have something else! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!

7. Do the opposite

Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of glaring at that person and then making a scene with your wife, come over and politely introduce yourself to this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how your jealousy was absurd.

8. Be honest! Don't play games

Drop all those spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly state all your suspicions and see what he says.

But, before talking about this with a partner, it would not hurt you to assess for yourself how your suspicions are justified.

After all, many people play a “hidden game” and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to talk about their paranoia to another.

Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only directly state your concerns and reach a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also check whether your fears are real or just the result of an unbridled fantasy.

9. Trust your partner

I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I consider this issue to be quite important, so I am taking it out as part of a separate paragraph. Trust is essential for a healthy and strong relationship. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?

I'm not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.

Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in his every word and discard your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions are not always unfounded. But try to believe your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.

If your fears remain with you, then you probably need to change something in your relationship. But, it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and see how believing in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you want to stay with that trust forever...

10. Be willing to forgive

I do not want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy, for which there is a reason. Maybe everything is really not so smooth for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And it is not your paranoia and fear that tells you, but established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband is always going missing, arriving late at night and smelling of perfume.)

In this case, it is better not to deny the obvious things, not to suppress the attacks of jealousy in yourself, and try to do something with your relationship. I have always been a proponent of trying to make amends for what happened, to forgive the person and start over before taking drastic action. This is what I advise you.

Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's or your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not sexually restrained, but continue to love you. Sometimes they do it because their ego craves new victories on the love front, but at the same time they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person gives in to affect, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is a consequence of a momentary weakness of a person, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.

Cheating is not as scary as your fantasy and your feelings draw it to you. But if this happened, be ready to endure it together, and live on. This is not the end of life.

If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to trust him again, after all his actions. That cheating won't be the end of your relationship. That you can together change and improve your life together, preventing the recurrence of such cases in the future. Then you won't be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!

But this requires the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop relationships!

Many girls are familiar with jealousy firsthand. Jealous of their lovers, spouses, children, and even good friends of other people, if it begins to seem that they have become less attentive to us. That is why the question of how to get rid of jealousy is often heard at the consultations of a psychologist or in everyday communication with friends.

It should be understood that jealousy is difficult to attribute to positive feelings. On the contrary, such experiences corrode a person from the inside, like acid, and worsen relationships with a partner. But you can still cope with them if you make every effort and strain your willpower.

This feeling arises when a person experiences a lack of affection, attention from significant people, in addition, it begins to seem that a completely different person receives all these emotions. If a girl is constantly jealous, and of completely different persons, then we can talk about a character trait - jealousy.

Jealous - a man in love, that's how it is considered in society. Moreover, many are convinced that love and jealousy are closely interrelated and one is impossible without the other. However, such an opinion is clearly misleading.

The roots of jealousy and jealousy do not lie in love, on the contrary, negative emotion in every possible way prevents the strengthening of affection and the progress of relationships.

Jealousy is caused by several factors. Let's consider them in more detail.

Low self-esteem. Perhaps this personality trait is the most common cause of jealousy. For example, on a subconscious level, it seems to a girl that she is not attractive enough, smart enough for her chosen one.
Fear of losing a loved one. A jealous person is afraid of losing a loved one or not getting what he needs. This factor is interconnected with self-doubt, when a person who doubts his own merits is afraid to part with a partner, including because of the fear of finding a new object for passion.
Selfishness. We are all selfish to some extent, but jealous people consider loved ones to be their property and do not even dare to think that they can have relationships with other people. As a result, victims of jealousy are deprived of their own desires, needs and rights.
Negative past experience. Previous relationships in which there were betrayals, deceptions, often cause a girl or a guy to become jealous of their new partner and suspect him of a tendency to betray.

“Everyone thinks to the extent of his own depravity” - the well-known folk wisdom in this case is very appropriate. Jealous people often judge their beloved by themselves, that is, they attribute to them the same inclinations and habits.

With a high degree of probability, it can be assumed that a jealous young man or girl themselves is cheating on their partners, but does not want to be treated in the same way.

Is this emotion always negative? Figuratively speaking, jealousy is a condiment. If it is dosed, then life together can become more “tasty” and exciting. However, with excessive use of this spice, no one will eat the dish.

In addition, jealousy can play a positive role when a person realizes his shortcoming, reconsiders his own behavior and changes his outlook on relationships with a partner. But for this it is necessary to realize the negative consequences of jealousy.

There are a number of negative factors.

The jealous man feels constant mental discomfort, because his whole existence is poisoned by mistrust and fears. It is not excluded the occurrence of stress and even somatic diseases.
The result of jealousy is envy. At the same time, a jealous girl or young man envy everyone with whom a loved one has a good relationship. Envy is an extremely unproductive and destructive emotion that pushes to undesirable actions.
A jealous person always depends on a partner (close person). Any offense is multiplied tenfold, and every compliment and nice words act like a drug. As a result, a painful, destructive connection is formed.
Jealous often destroys relationships. Few people want to be controlled, bullied, suspected of non-existent sins. As a result, marriages break up, friendships collapse, child-parent relationships go wrong.

Thus, we can make a brief conclusion: jealousy is justified only if it increases the passion of the beloved for each other or stimulates a person to work on himself. But at the same time, it is important that it be temporary.

In all other situations, this feeling only poisons the human soul, leads to numerous problems with the psyche and bodily health, and destroys love and friendship. Therefore, it is better to get rid of it.

"Symptoms" of jealous behavior

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the characteristics of the person himself, his character and temperament. For example, there may be unreasonable outbursts of rage, quarrels, control over communication with third parties. A jealous person often interrogates about leisure activities spent outside the home, waits from work or school, studies the phone, e-mail and SMS.

Another option is the desire to attract the attention of an adored object. In this case, jealous people can even change their appearance in accordance with the ideal partner. For example, plump girls lose weight, become blondes or brunettes, etc.

At the same time, it is possible to distinguish differences in the manifestations of jealousy in women and representatives of the stronger sex. Lovely ladies often delve into themselves, experience anxiety, but in some situations they roll up scenes of jealousy and demonstrate hysterical attacks to their partners.

Young people try to control their lovers, perhaps even the use of physical force (up to assault). Some men become more strict and cold in dealing with objects of passion.

And yet, it is possible to identify common "symptoms" of jealousy:

increased attachment to the object of passion;
the desire to control his actions, limit the circle of communication;
relationship anxiety;
desire to be close to a loved one;
negative in relation to those people who communicate and interact with the object of jealousy.

It is not uncommon for jealous people to hide their own negative emotions, either embarrassed by this, or fearing that the object of passion will end the relationship. It is good if jealousy can be dealt with by simple willpower, but most often a deep study of this state is required.

So, you have decided to exclude such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy from your relationship with your lover, child, parents or other. Let's say right away that this process is not fast, but the recommendations of psychologists will tell you how to speed it up.

preliminary stage

Admit to yourself that you are “sick” with jealousy. This is the most important condition for working through any negative feeling. As soon as you realize and accept your peculiarity, it will be possible to make plans to overcome this condition.
Try to establish the true background of jealousy towards a loved one. Maybe you are pathologically afraid of losing your loved one? Does low self-esteem prevent you from taking a worthy place next to him? Have you been betrayed by a lover before? Understanding the cause will make it possible to intensify work to overcome the complexes.
Try to analyze feelings experienced in a fit of jealousy. A jealous person is able to feel fear, anger, envy, disgust, anxiety, etc. Having understood the emotional spectrum, you can more easily control your feelings during the next outbreak of excessive suspicion.
Confess to the object of jealousy in your emotions. At the same time, it is not necessary to speak derogatoryly about yourself (“I am bad, I am evil”), it is enough to talk about how you feel when your lover is delayed without tantrums and accusations. For example: “I worry when you don’t get home on time” or “I get offended if you flirt with other women.”

Thus, it is necessary to understand that you have a problem and it needs to be solved. Only in this case will it be possible to outline a plan for further work on oneself and relationships. You should not dismiss the existing negative "symptoms" of jealousy.

Work on yourself

Treat yourself better. As already noted, low self-esteem is the most common cause of jealousy. To get rid of unreasonable jealousy, you need to change your attitude towards yourself, learn to appreciate and respect your own personality, pluses and strengths. Of course, for this you will have to work hard: give up any habits, change your hairstyle, sign up for fitness. That is, to do something that will increase the value of your personality in your own eyes.
"Attract" positive emotions. Psychologists advise you to think more often about what attracts your lover to you. Surely you can find many strengths, features that your loved one (boyfriend, spouse) likes. Having dealt with the list of advantages, it is necessary to demonstrate them to a partner more often.
Keep yourself busy. Distraction from intrusive thoughts is a great idea. You can do your favorite activities (reading, drawing, etc.), choose a hobby. In addition to the fact that you will notice a certain effect in the form of results of activity, you can also forget about the desire to control a loved one.
Choose a method for safely venting negative feelings. As an option - communication with an understanding girlfriend, keeping a diary, correspondence with people who have encountered the same problem on thematic forums, exercising in the gym (beating a pear, as an example). It is important to choose the most appropriate way to get rid of anger and anger.

If you realize that you cannot deal with feelings on your own, and jealousy really interferes with life, you should think about contacting a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help you find support points and correct the situation in your favor.

Relationship work

Learn to trust. If the partner does not give real reasons for distrust, try not to "create evidence" yourself. This is difficult because it is necessary to discard previous experience, innate suspicion, etc. But if you manage to give freedom to a loved one, he will treat you better, as a result of which your fears and anxieties will recede.
Change wording. If control and the desire to know as much as possible about the life of a loved one or loved one does not disappear from the behavioral repertoire, try at least to formulate questions and desires in a different way. For example, instead of a categorical requirement, a spouse can explain where he was after work, you can ask a softer question: “Did your day go well?” or “Is something bothering you?”
Do not keep a person near you and organize leisure activities together. There is no need to force a loved one to always be there. It is much better to organize a joint pastime, but, of course, it is necessary to do this in a way that does not look intrusive. You can visit cinemas together, go to the gym, go fishing, in the end.
"Generate" positive emotions. Rudeness, anger, envy and other negativity only increase the gap between people. That is why psychologists recommend “turning on the generator” of positive emotions as soon as you feel the desire to control the object of jealousy. It is no secret that a person on a subconscious level is drawn to someone who is full of energy, positive and goodwill. Dare!

The ability to express positive emotions can and should be trained. Try not to make a sour face at the mirror or in communication with relatives, but, on the contrary, smile, say pleasantries and make compliments. All this will soon become a habit and become a part of your life.

Individual cases of jealous behavior

Girls and women are jealous not only of a real partner. An unpleasant feeling can be caused by the former girlfriends of the gentleman, his children from a previous marriage. In addition, some manage to be jealous of even a former spouse or boyfriend, although they have long since broken up and entered into other relationships. Let's consider some situations in more detail.

Jealousy for ex-spouse

Not all women with a calm mind let their former lover go "free floating". Some even after separation continue to suffer, suffer from jealousy. This is easily explained by selfishness and unwillingness to part with their property, into the category of which the former spouse passes. What to do?

Accept the very fact of the final break and recognize that the former gentleman has the right to arrange his personal life.
Abstract from the former relationship, turn it into a memory.
Thank the failed life partner for all the good things, for pleasant minutes or years of life.
If the person has been unfaithful to you, forgive him. If offended, again show generosity.

All these actions will not only help to cope with jealousy for a former life partner, but also prepare you for a new relationship that will surely be more successful.

Jealousy for ex-girlfriends of a lover

Quite often, new relationships fail because we are jealous of the beloved's past. The main reason for negative emotions is the fear of comparison with former passions and the fear that he may return to them at some point.

What to do in this situation? It is necessary to understand again that if he preferred you, then you are better than those other women. Therefore, you are faced with the task of not tormenting him with fits of jealousy, but by all means (in a reasonable dosage) to convince him of the correctness of the choice made.

Jealousy for spouse's children

A similar feeling often arises in those women who meet or marry a man who already has experience of marriage and, accordingly, children. At the same time, it should be understood that in fact you are not jealous of the child, but of the ex-wife of your partner. A few tips will help fix the situation.

Give up prohibitions and restrictions on meeting and communicating with children. Otherwise, he will begin to choose between you and the offspring, and it is likely that he will give preference to the latter.
Arrange meetings in your area. At the same time, if communication with a child is unpleasant for you or you cannot force yourself to “radiate with happiness”, just go away for this time to your mother, girlfriend.
Ideally, it is best to make friends with children. A warm relationship with a child will allow you to get closer to your spouse, in addition, you will gain a good ally in your relationship with your lover.

Never speak negatively about your spouse's children, even in conversation with your girlfriends. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that your words will not reach unwanted recipients. As a result, indiscretion can even lead to a break in relations.

Conclusion

Jealousy is a complex feeling, even rather a tangle of emotions that are so closely intertwined that it is extremely difficult to find a leader and unwind the plexus of threads. It is important to understand that jealousy is not a synonym for “love”, therefore, excessive distrust and suspicion should be fought.

Competent and constant work on oneself will not only reduce the intensity of unwanted passions, but will also strengthen love, mutual understanding, and increase respect for each other. As a result, you will have less reason to negatively perceive the world around you.

Hello, I'm Nadezhda Plotnikova. Having successfully studied at SUSU as a special psychologist, she devoted several years to working with children with developmental problems and advising parents on raising children. I apply the experience gained, among other things, in the creation of psychological articles. Of course, by no means do I pretend to be the ultimate truth, but I hope that my articles will help dear readers deal with any difficulties.

- “You know, he walks with you” - “Let him walk ... He is warmly dressed.”
Love is a beautiful decoration of our life. But often it is overshadowed by distrust of a loved one - jealousy. It is worth noting that jealousy is not at all an obligatory companion of love, but rather the first step towards its destruction.

How to overcome jealousy: THE ORIGINS OF JEYALY

And to find out how to overcome jealousy Let's take a look at where it comes from. And there is jealousy in childhood. And the main reason for the emergence of jealousy in a child is the fear of losing the attention and love of the mother (for example, when a second child appears in the family). Children's jealousy at first always manifests itself to the mother, regardless of the sex of the child.
Therefore, in the question, it is important to understand that the first object of jealousy is always a woman.

And it turns out that when boys and girls grow up into men and women - their jealousy has a different connotation. An adult man will be jealous of his woman. The most important thing for him is the loyalty or infidelity of his chosen one. He is not interested in other men, he is only interested in his woman as an object, his sexual principle dominates here.
Female jealousy, on the contrary, is the jealousy of her man for other women; emotional connection dominates here. A woman experiences the greatest jealousy for her rivals.
To understand how to overcome jealousy, it should be noted that parents are prototypes of future relationships. For a boy, the first experience of jealousy occurs against the backdrop of competition with another man - the father. The mother is the ideal of love for the boy, while the father is the standard of behavior. Girls do not compete with the same sex. Therefore, the father is the ideal of love for the girl, and the mother is the standard of behavior.

Therefore, in question it is necessary to understand the underlying mechanism of jealousy. It is different for men and women.
When a man is jealous of his woman, he doubts that she is his ideal of love. A jealous man always blames others and does not pay attention to his own shortcomings. In male jealousy, anger is often present.
And when a woman is jealous of her rivals, she doubts that she is a model for her man, she tends to see her shortcomings in this. In female jealousy, there is always a fear that other, more “reference” women can take away her man. That is why a woman tends to imitate her rival, because. believes that it is a greater ideal. All this must be understood in order to solve the problem. how to get rid of feelings of jealousy.

How to overcome jealousy: CAUSES OF JEYALY

To understand how to get rid of feelings of jealousy Let's look at the main reasons for its occurrence.
1. Hypertrophied sense of ownership. The partner is treated as property, in fact a thing. The partner’s actions are constantly monitored, he must report: where, why he was, what he did, why he didn’t call, why he didn’t see the SMS. Any suspicion of the possibility of betrayal causes jealous anger and rage.
How to get rid of feelings of jealousy in this case - to begin to realize that the partner is not your personal property and you are two free people. He can act in any situation as he sees fit. And already you decide - to be with him further, or to disperse.

2. Self-doubt, low self-esteem. In this case, there is a constant comparison of oneself and probable (often imaginary) rivals. A person experiencing jealousy is constantly engaged in self-digging and comes to the conclusion that in many ways it is worse than the rest.
Often, such jealousy occurs when the partner of the jealous person is more successful, handsome or smart than the jealous person himself. Then it begins to seem to a person experiencing jealousy that the partner will guess about his worthlessness and find someone better for himself.
Answering a question how to overcome jealousy, here it is necessary to begin to realize that your partner of all possible applicants for some reason chose you. How to get rid of feelings of jealousy- in this case, you can try to get the missing education, start doing fitness, find a good job, etc., in which you think you have a gap. Sometimes this can help. And above all, it is necessary to increase self-esteem.

3. Distrust of a partner. Usually this reason is accompanied by a general distrust of people, the world and life in general. Such a jealous person often does not trust anyone or anything. In his eyes, everything is unreliable, and he can only rely on himself.
Often such jealousy comes from some serious trauma of the first 3 years of life, when basic existential positions about oneself, other people and the world are laid. Later, this attitude of distrust is often reinforced in connection with infidelity. And then all subsequent partners begin to be perceived through the prism of distrust.
How to overcome jealousy in this case? - you need to discover the primary incident (psychotrauma) that caused this global distrust and correct the models of reality about yourself, others and the world with the help of psychotherapy.

4. Fear of being alone. A person who is jealous is afraid to stop being loved. Loneliness is unbearable for him and is tantamount to death. Often, behind the fear of loneliness lies an unwillingness to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. This is often referred to as "emptiness". Such people are often looking for a partner who "can fill the void inside." And therefore, here jealousy is the fear that some big and serious problem may open with the departure of a partner. Often such jealousy is associated with the fear of losing material well-being, security, protection in connection with the departure of a partner.
How to get rid of feelings of jealousy in this case, it is to start to find out what the worst thing will happen if you are left alone. Usually, behind the fear of loneliness lies a more serious fear that you do not want to know about.

5. Projection. In this case, the jealous person attributes to his partner the desires and actions that move him. Such a jealous person often cheats on his own, or has a great desire to change, but cannot afford it. Then the mechanism of psychological defense works - the transfer of one's desires to another: not "I want to change", but "you want to change me."
To answer the question how to get rid of feelings of jealousy in this case, you must understand and acknowledge your own desires, even if they seem unacceptable to you.

6. Lack of attention from a partner. Such jealousy occurs when communication between partners is very rare, for example, the partner is often late at work. Then there is a feeling that your loved one is busy with his own affairs, but he does not care about you.
How to overcome jealousy in this case? - it's just to start talking to your half. Explain to your partner the reason for your distrust. Try to spend more time together.

How to overcome jealousy: WORKING WITH JEYY

1. If you are worried about jealousy - try to exaggerate the symptoms. Look at yourself from the side (for this it is good to do this in front of a mirror).
2. Listen to the sensations of your body and exaggerate its reactions.
3. Reverse your feelings of jealousy - feelings of trust and experience it.
4. Take responsibility for your jealousy. For example, instead of saying, "He/she is going to cheat on me," say, "I allow myself to be jealous of him/her."

Jealousy is a very unpleasant feeling, not only for the one who is jealous, but also for his loved one. Jealousy often causes betrayal and generally spoils relationships between people. Therefore, jealousy should not interfere with love. Get rid of feelings of jealousy, even the most pathological, can be quite quickly with the help of psychotherapeutic methods. Remember that the foundation of a good relationship between partners is mutual trust.

Olga Medelets 15.03.2013
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