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How to resist peer pressure. Bad company: how to resist peer pressure

Someone saw the film "Scarecrow", created by R. Bykov in 1983, someone heard about him, and someone knows nothing about him. This is a film about 12-year-old teenagers of the Soviet era, which was nearing completion, where the then young Kristina Orbakaite played the main role.

There are many similarities in the problems of adolescents both at that time and today. Of course, the socio-cultural environment has changed: the attitude towards money has changed towards a priority one, although this tendency can be traced in the film as well. The information space is now overflowing with the factual propaganda of aggressive relations between people, which cannot but influence the behavior of adolescents. Now there has been an exacerbation of those teenage problems that are reflected in the film.

Unfortunately, nowadays there are almost no films made for children and teenagers. And what comes out on screens is not the best example for analyzing the psychological problems of children. Therefore, Scarecrow is the perfect movie for our purposes.

Cinema

In this city, Lena Bessoltseva began to study in the 6th grade of one of the schools. She really wanted to become a part of the class team, trying to become her own, did not pay attention to tricks and taunts, tolerated the nickname given to her - Scarecrow. She liked the boy Pasha, who became friends with her and patronized her. It so happened that she heard him tell the teacher that the class had run away from class to the movies. This act was defined by the class as a betrayal, in which this boy was accused. She decided to save him and took upon herself his guilt for this act. The guy turned out to be a coward and could not admit to the guys in his act both at this moment and in the subsequent time.

The class was punished by the fact that they were not taken on an excursion to Moscow on vacation with the rest. Classmates announced a boycott to Lena, believing her that she had betrayed them. Three of the class knew that it was not she who did it, among them was the boy whose blame she took upon herself. He was afraid to become a victim of the announced boycott. The situation turned out to be so desperate, since the children were left to their own devices: the leading role of the teachers came to naught - everyone went on an excursion. As for relatives, almost all adults - both relatives and non-relatives - either had no influence on their children, or tried not to notice what was happening.

We see how in the film people who came on an excursion to this town did not rush to protect the girl, whom, when she fell, her classmates began to kick her. When Lena's grandfather ran to her aid and they fled, the witnesses did not catch anyone to understand the situation. In other words, their life credo was: "This does not concern me." They did not put things in order in this situation. We see how the mother of one of the classmates did not intercede for the heroine - she also stepped aside, did not interfere, perhaps because she had a conflict with her daughter. When it became clear who reported, she stopped the class in pursuit of this boy.

The girl wanted to become a savior, because of this she became a victim, and then she could become a persecutor, but she broke the vicious circle by abandoning this role.

Adolescence crisis

So what is this age - 12 years old? This is the period of the child's development, called the "adolescence crisis." The leading activity of this period is communication, that is, personality development occurs mainly through communication with peers. Adolescence is the beginning of puberty. Changes in the body of adolescents awaken in them a new interest in the opposite sex. In the course of rapid growth and physiological restructuring, a teenager may experience anxiety, increased excitability, depression. But these changes cannot be considered as a direct cause of his psychological development. Its "inclusion in the world of culture and history" was recognized as the determining cause of development. There are descriptions of three types of adolescent ingrowth into adulthood, into culture.

The first type is characterized by a sharp, stormy, crisis course, is experienced by the adolescent as a second birth, as a result of which a new self appears.

The second type is smooth, slow, gradual growth, when a teenager joins life without deep and serious shifts in his own personality.

The third type of development is characteristic of adolescents with a high level of self-control and self-awareness, when the adolescent himself actively and consciously forms and educates himself, using his own volitional efforts for this.

If we recall the film "Scarecrow", then it can be noted that it presents for the most part precisely the first type of development, when parents cease to be an authority, as well as other adults, including teachers. This behavior can be called a rebellion against the existing world order: adolescents distance themselves from everything that they do not like in order to become separate from their parents and independent in the future.

They actively protest against both the values, ideals and goals of the older generation, and the social norms that govern their lives. Someone does not like that mom wants to smooth everything out in life. Another girl doesn't like that her mother has come to terms with life in this small town. Another boy does not like that grandmother, having devoted her life to raising five children, now does not receive a penny from them, that grandfather collects pictures, but walks like a beggar, that at the end of the film he gives both pictures and a house to the city. They also have complaints about their homeroom teacher - they interact with her in a confrontational way. And all together they are outraged that they were not taken to Moscow.

Manifestation of cruelty

Now let's talk, in fact, about the manifestation of cruelty in children. Very young children do not realize that they are hurting others - they do not yet have compassion, feelings of pity, and they cannot feel regret about the act they have done. Over time, during the period of life from 3 years to 6.5, the child discovers the presence of experiences in himself and begins to meaningfully orient himself in them. These experiences are generalized and feelings are formed on their basis.

During this period of development, children also have the opportunity to put themselves in the place of another living creature in order to understand his feelings and evaluate their actions. Also at this stage of development in children there is an intensive assimilation of primary ethical norms of behavior and the formation of related moral experiences, which is part of the general process of the child's entry into the life of adults. The emergence of a sense of duty associated with the implementation of moral rules in relationships with other people is essential for the transition to schooling.

Let's remember the movie "Kill Bill", in which a little girl pulled her favorite fish out of the aquarium and crushed it with her foot. She did not understand what was hurting her and was simply killing her. Even later, when she realized that the fish was dead, she does not feel regret - her emotional sphere has not yet been formed. Her father, Bill, citing this example, already explains his cruel behavior towards her mother by the fact that he, as he believed, did not have a feeling of pity, as his daughter does not now. In the film, he says that he was mistaken in this: he was upset after the massacre of his beloved woman. So, his feelings were formed, but they were blocked by his priorities in life, and only a very significant event for him could unblock his almost dead feelings.

The adolescents in the movie "Scarecrow", of course, have formed the emotional sphere. But what blocks the manifestation of sympathy and compassion, why are they behaving so cruelly? There are general reasons, but there are also individual ones. The common reasons for almost all are adherence to the decision of the collective of the class to punish the culprit, and for some who disagree with the decision, the fear of taking a position opposed to the collective.

Let's talk about individual reasons. The film shows that two of them, a boy and a girl, get pleasure when they show their strength, that is, they experience joy from the manifestation of the strength of their bodies, including from aggression. In fact, this is a natural emotion for humans. I must say that not all people enjoy the manifestation of aggression as a result of the actions of their body.


The social norm does not approve of the manifestation of aggression towards other people. And people basically somehow manage to behave in accordance with the norms. At the age of 12, the standards of social behavior have not yet been accepted, and adolescents experience natural emotions. Growing up, a child may stop experiencing pleasure from his aggressive behavior, that is, experiencing joy from the manifestation of aggression, having experienced emotional experiences.

What happens to those who do not stop loving this manifestation of aggression in adolescence and feel the joy of such behavior? How do they manage to fit into social life?

By the age of 14-15, they form a psychological defense called reactive education, the work of which transforms the emotion of joy, and the attitude towards the manifestation of aggression changes to the opposite - they begin to condemn him.

To be accepted into social life, adolescents learn social norms. One of them is the following: "We must interact with people without showing aggression." Failure to comply with this standard (in the case of its assimilation) causes shame, which is a socialized form of fear, and this unconsciously blocks the manifestation of joy from aggression.

Aggressive girl

In the film, we see how one girl says to another girl - Iron Button - that she will beat her just like that, because she wants to, and happily knocks her onto the bench. In turn, the Iron Button, having turned out, grabs a stone from the ground and swings at it. Aggressor shouting "Mom!" runs away - she was rebuffed.

Aggressive boy

Or the strongest and largest boy in the class takes pleasure in showing strength and offending his classmates. He is the very first in the class who begins to offend the boy who is assigned to be a victim because he likes it. Some guys join this "entertainment" for them, while others only look at it approvingly, without stopping this mockery, although they may well do it.

When at the end of the film it turns out that one of them is selling dogs to a knackery, this strong boy decides to play with it, but he is easily stopped by the Iron Button. She forbids him to do it. When it turns out that Lena is not a traitor, and most felt ashamed and regretful that they behaved this way, then he finds himself among them. He does not want to join the new boycott and says that "since the Scarecrow is against, then he is against." It can be assumed that the joy from the manifestation of aggression was erased by this awakened feeling of guilt and shame - he stopped feeling joy from his own aggression.

Hairdresser's daughter

For a girl who expected a meeting with her father from a failed trip to Moscow and, possibly, moving to him, it was this circumstance that blocked the manifestation of her feelings of compassion. Having learned that they were persecuting an innocent person, she feels a keen sense of remorse and shame, declaring that "we must be shown in the menagerie, in the cages."

Iron Button

This girl, having learned about the true traitor, immediately proposes to declare a new boycott, and we do not see in her a manifestation of feelings of shame and remorse. These feelings do not appear in her even after the situation has been clarified, since she has remained faithful to the idea of ​​punishment, and she is sure that she can do it herself. When she was not supported, she burst into tears, shouting that "You are the same as my mother, who smooths everything out!". She doesn't want to be like mom. We can say that this girl's feelings of compassion and regret both were and remain blocked by this idea.

This is a manifestation of adolescent protest: “I don’t want to be like you. I am different". This is an element of the formation of personality - the awareness of oneself as separate, independent and whole. Adolescents must independently receive confirmation of the correctness of adults. Usually, after such a stage in life, they can internalize social norms.

Such behavior in the above-described adolescents may well be called unconscious cruelty. They offended the girl, guided by certain ideas. When they realized that it was unfair and cruel, then, feeling themselves "bad, unfair", changed, reconsidering their views on themselves and their behavior.

Compassionate but cowardly girl

Both those who could oppose themselves to the collective and those who could not do it, but felt pity for Lena, were involved in this boycott. We see a girl taking part in the burning of the heroine's dress crying when no one sees her. She restrains the expression of her feelings in the team. She feels sorry for Lena, but she is afraid to stand up for her and continues to follow the collective decision to punish.

Outcast

Among this class there was also a boy who does not participate in the general persecution, but to the extent of his strength and capabilities protects the heroine, although he cannot openly resist the team. This is the same boy who was designated the target of bullying, that is, the victim, so he knows very well how hard it is to endure. How this persecution was expressed for him: he was teased, he was beaten, he was tripped, that is, they demonstrated their disdain in every possible way. To remain a member of the team, he endured all this ridicule and bullying. He is physically weak, but it turns out he was the most compassionate.

He does not know exactly who gave the class to the teacher, and constantly tells the children that it cannot be Lena. To protect her, he tries to attract her former friend Pasha, who is trying to portray violent activity. We see that as this weak boy defends Lena, he becomes more and more confident in himself and at the general meeting of the class he was able to resist the team.

He declares to the strongest boy, the usual initiator of his persecution, that he will not allow Lena to be called Chuchel, saying: "You can beat me as much as you want." The fact that he helped another person in trouble gave him the moral strength to defend her in the face of opposition to the collective. We can say that he finds the strength to start moving from the very position of the victim, which he occupied before.

Flayer

As for another boy, who allowed himself to sell dogs to a flayer, he blocked his feelings of pity and compassion much earlier. This happened when he decided that money for him is the main thing, that for the sake of money you can kill a living creature. Actually, this is a direct path and for allowing yourself to harm people. Apparently, he did not feel a sense of shame and regret when the situation was clarified, since his monetary priority did not change - he condemningly says that Bessoltsev gave, and did not sell, the paintings.

He only showed strong feelings about someone else's altruism - a gift of paintings to the city. As he did not regret the dogs handed over to the knacker, so we do not see his regret about the events that have passed with Lena. He allowed himself to be cruel always, like the notorious Bill (from the movie "Kill Bill").

Two who knew the true traitor

Consider the reasons that prevented the two teenagers from telling the class about the true traitor to those two teenagers who were sitting under the desk and knew everything, respectively. These two, a girl and a boy, did not want to go with the class and quietly stayed, and when the teacher entered the class, they hid. So what are these reasons? The girl wanted to get the boy Pasha as a friend, and the boy wanted this very girl, and for this they both were silent.

They wanted to get what they wanted at any cost, regardless of the suffering of the other person. This bullying does not inspire them with compassion and cannot force them to tell the truth. Apparently, their feelings are so reduced (diminished) or not developed that their manifestation requires the same dramatic event as Bill's (in the movie "Kill Bill"). This may well be called perceived cruelty.

Traitor

As for Paul, his behavior is also perceived cruelty. His sense of compassion was blocked by the fear that he would become the object of a boycott, that he would not be able to become an object of admiration and take leadership positions in this team again. Maybe he, like the other two guys, also has little or no compassion. But he gave her his socks and walked barefoot in the cold, when the whole class earned money for the trip.

This cannot be called compassion, it was not compassion, but a desire to be admired, because everyone saw this act. He fights to maintain his former position in the class, passing through another boy a wish that Lena leave the city for her own benefit. He also, like the other two, wanted to get what he wanted at any cost - and this is called perceived cruelty. His line of behavior - betrayal - is constantly repeated: this is the betrayal of the class, this is the betrayal of Lena, this is the betrayal of those two who knew about him. He allowed himself to do this, and maybe it was this decision that forever (almost) blocked his display of compassion.

Lena (Scarecrow)

Lena is boycotted. She herself provoked this conflict and continues to intensify it with her behavior. Later, describing this situation to her grandfather, she concluded: you can't run when you're being chased. This means that if you run, then you are a victim, and for others you are prey, which is always attacked. Even if they do not attack, they catch themselves feeling that there is a desire to attack. Lena does not immediately understand that the one she is protecting is a coward and a traitor. She thinks to the last that the guys are forcing him to poison her.

Now we can conclude: you cannot take on someone else's fault, that is, live for someone else's life. You can also add that you cannot do for a person what he cannot repay you - the answer will be “black ingratitude”.

Finally, she discovers that her former friend has betrayed her too. He not only did not protect her from others, but more than that, he became her persecutor: he scared her in the evening with the head of a wild boar, he did not give her her dress, which was specially thrown to him to check. She is experiencing the strongest shock from this. And seeing how her dress, hung on the cross as a symbol of Lena herself, burns, she decides that she will no longer allow this to be done with herself.

She throws herself into the fire and takes off the remnants of her dress. At that moment, the teenagers got scared and began to shout to her that she would burn out, and then they shouted that they were joking. The incident changed her: she realized that you cannot adapt to others, suppressing your feelings, so that they recognize her as theirs. She tells her grandfather that she betrayed him, joining in mocking him, and even hid in the street from him, ashamed of his appearance and behavior. She concluded that you can not betray yourself or your relatives. In other words, she came to new priorities in life, accepted the values ​​of her grandfather, that is, those of her predecessors who built the life of our homeland, protecting, equipping, teaching and healing their people. This is called going through a spiritual crisis. The old Lena died, the new Lena was born.


As a symbol of her new birth, she shaves off her hair and goes to her former friend's birthday party, where his classmates have gathered. Even now she does not tell them that it was not she who betrayed them, but if earlier she hoped that Pasha would confess, now she does not say this out of self-esteem. Now she is not afraid of anything and tells her classmates that one of them is a flayer who sells dogs at a flayer.

She turns to Pasha, mocking: "You must have been upset when you realized that the girl you were friends with turned out to be so bad instead of being quiet and calm!" Looking at this confident and fearless behavior of hers, one of the two who knew who the true informer was, tells Paul that he will tell him about it. It was this behavior of Lena that unblocked his feelings and made him stop considering friendship with a girl who wanted to hide Pavel's betrayal as the main thing.

At the end of the film, she refuses to support the boycott, which they want to announce to Pavel, and convinces the others not to do so. Two other roles from the triangle - "rescuer", "victim", "pursuer" - she had already lost and refused to accept the role of "pursuer" offered by life. Such playing of these roles in turn does not provide an opportunity to change something both in life and in oneself. The experiences she experienced helped her to understand the meaninglessness of moving through these roles. In order to get out of this endless circle, it is necessary to change, going through a spiritual crisis, which happened to Lena. So how do you avoid peer bullying? Maybe at least one shouldn't repeat the Scarecrow's mistakes and one should become strong, at least morally?

After all, we would all like our children to become kind and sensitive creatures. And we do not want them to be cruel and ruthless creatures at all, including towards ourselves, their parents. So what can parents do in this desire to foster compassion for other living beings? The simplest thing is a personal example: children adopt the behavior of significant adults easily and freely. You can also teach them to take the place of another, helping to understand the feelings and desires of other people.

People who do wrong often want others to follow their example because they feel better knowing that others are doing wrong too. Those who strive to live righteously sometimes experience pressure from such people. This pressure is especially strong in childhood and adolescence, when a person has a huge need for recognition from peers. The Lord will strengthen those who strive to maintain a high standard of morality in spite of the words and actions of others.

Additional Information

Although it is common for people to seek recognition from their peers, gaining this recognition through compromise with their moral standards results in a loss of freedom. This loss of freedom can begin with seemingly insignificant disobedience in order to gain recognition. In more difficult cases, those who join gangs for social recognition not only lose their freedom, but also risk their lives.

Those who hold fast to righteous principles are stronger than they can imagine; they are respected by those around them and have a positive impact on them. Elder Richard G. Scott said about peer pressure:

“The more obedient you are, the more firmly you stand up for true principles, the more the Lord will help you to fight temptation. You will also be able to help other people because they will feel your strength. Tell them about your standards by example. Answer questions about your principles when asked, but don't lecture people. I know from my own experience that this works.

Nobody plans to make serious mistakes. We make mistakes when we compromise for recognition from other people. Be strong. Lead. Choose worthy friends and work with them to combat peer pressure ”(,“ General Conference, October 1994).

If you feel pressure from people to force you to do something you don't feel like doing, there are many ways to respond to them with dignity. Be prepared to respond immediately and respond to peer pressure. Avoid places where people might be doing something illegal or other things that make you uncomfortable. Rely on people to support you: friends, family, or a counselor.

Steps

How to respond to peer pressure right away

  1. Just say no in a way that will be believed. The easiest way to respond to peer pressure is to simply refuse. Refusing at the moment will save you from having to refuse such a request in the future, since you immediately clearly state that you are not interested. Be firm, look the person straight in the eye. In this way, you show that you are not going to compromise.

    • There are many ways to refuse. For example, say, "I won't do this," or "No thanks, I don't want to." You can also say, "I will probably refuse, thank you."
    • Be careful not to show your fear lest you be called a coward. Be firm in your decision.

  2. Change the subject. There are many ways to resist pressure. If you are uncomfortable answering a question, just change the subject. This way, you can stall for time until you are ready to answer (or you may not answer at all). By avoiding the situation, you show that you are not interested in it and that you are not going to respond.

    • Try changing the subject by saying, “Would you like to watch this movie with me? I've been going to see it for a long time, but it's boring to watch it alone.

  3. Come up with an excuse to leave. Another option to avoid a particular situation is to just walk away. Come up with some reason why you urgently need to run. Apologize and try to leave as soon as possible.

    • Say, “Oh, I completely forgot, I have a math exam tomorrow and I need to get ready. I'll dial you later. "
    • Write to a friend or parent and ask them to call you so they can tell you that you urgently need to run.

    How to prepare for peer pressure

    1. Make your own decisions. Don't make decisions based on other people's opinions about what's good for you. Give preference to what makes you happy, make your own decisions. Some people may ask you to do something that will force you to step out of your comfort zone in a good way, but be aware of any negative consequences that may arise.

      • If you are going to make a decision, ask yourself, “How good and useful is this for me? Will it make my life more positive and brighter? Am I sure about how I feel about this? "

    2. Come up with an answer. If you haven't experienced peer pressure yet, or just want to respond correctly next time, think about how to respond when asked for something you don't want to do. If you prepare an answer in advance, then you will definitely not feel pressure, because when you are asked about something, you will already know what to say.

      • For example, consider how to respond if someone asks you to cheat, lie, or take drugs. You can simply answer: "No, thanks", or you can come up with something specific for each situation.
      • Don't get distracted by telling others about this idea. Make I statements and focus on your own position.

    3. Avoid places and situations in which you start to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you have crept in doubts that people are gathering before an event to drink or take drugs. If you are going to a party and something seems to be going “wrong,” just make other plans. If your teammates are going to have a drink before the game, tell them you will see them at the match. By avoiding situations that might seduce you, you also avoid peer pressure.

      • For example, stop going to unattended parties and meeting people you know use drugs.

    4. Choose positive friends. When it comes to peer pressure, start by choosing the right friends who won't pressure you. Your friends should accept you for who you are, not wanting to change you. If your friends don't make various dangerous consequences of decisions, you probably won't make them either.

      • Choose friends based on common interests, not because they are "cool" or "popular." You should like them and take care of you.
      • Try to make friends with people with whom you have common interests. For example, if you see a person reading a book that you really like, try starting a conversation with him about this book and get to know that person better.

    Coping with peer influence

    1. Keep a journal and write down your feelings. It is difficult to deal with the feelings that arise from peer pressure. You can be good friends with someone and then feel betrayed if your friend tries to pressure you to do something. You may even start to wonder if it is worth ending this friendship. Analyzing and accepting these emotions can be difficult, so try journaling to help you deal with feelings and emotions and deal with stress.

      • A diary should be something personal where you can safely write about your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself while you write.
      • Sometimes you can flip through your notes to remember how you felt and thought in the past, what helped you.

    2. Please select a different company. If your current friends keep pushing you all the time, it might be time to find new friends. Think about the good moments with them and compare them to the bad ones. If you feel like your friends are pushing you much more than you would like, if they are not trying to improve, make new friends. It's actually hard enough to say goodbye to friends, but it's also hard to keep saying no and trying to deal with the pressure they put on you.

      • You can meet new people if you volunteer, karate, dance, or whatever.

    3. Keep doing rewarding activities. Another way to avoid peer pressure is to spend your free time in activities that you truly enjoy. Such events will help you meet new people with whom you will have common interests, with whom you can spend time the way you like.

      • Try different activities until you find one that you like. For example, try sewing or woodworking, take photography classes, go hiking, or start cycling.
      • Find out which clubs you can attend at your school. For example, there must be some kind of theatrical, mathematical or religious circle. In addition, you can sign up for additional sports activities such as football, gymnastics, volleyball or basketball.

The child's reaction to conflict situations largely determines the level of his social adaptation. Not all children are good-natured and democratic, and sooner or later the child will have to face this. But how will he act in not the most pleasant circumstances?
What if your child is being bullied? It all depends on what the initial circumstances are and who the aggressor is.

Kindergarten and preschool children
If we are dealing with a playground where your two-year-old is hit on the head by his peer with a spatula, then it is better to bypass the fighter. It will not work to explain to the kids why the offender is wrong and why it is not good to fight. Causal relationships are not yet understandable. If your child is systematically offended in kindergarten, then first of all it is worth finding out who is doing it, why and where the teacher is looking at these moments.

It is worth explaining to the child separately that the people around are different: someone knows how to explain their desires and feelings in words, and someone does not, so he is forced to fight and push. It is better to bypass the latter, not to play with them, and if they themselves come up, then you need to tell them in a firm voice: “I don’t want to play with you. You fight (or call names)! " If this does not help, then you should ask the teacher for help. Note that this strategy is not a sneak strategy, which many dads often worry about. After all, at first we insist on talking directly with the abuser, and do not encourage the child to act behind him. But if the bully did not hear him, there is no choice: you need to contact the elders.

It is also useful to play difficult situations in the game with the baby or tell therapeutic fairy tales, which describe all kinds of conflicts and give peaceful ways to resolve them. You can compose such stories yourself, bringing them as close as possible to the situation your child is faced with. Everything that the little one plays with you, he seems to live by himself, thus gaining a new experience. When in stock he has different options for behavior in a conflict situation, the fight will be the last item on this list. And over time, he will begin to understand that the problem is not always in him or in his behavior.

Primary School
If a child is offended in elementary school, then the line of behavior should be the same as in kindergarten, but there are some nuances. The child is already old enough to have a gentle heart-to-heart conversation with him. The goal is to find out together during the conversation when it started and for what reason, for example, he was given an offensive nickname. And be sure to invite your child to remember what act he did the day before. Doing so is necessary to give him the opportunity to realize: teasers are rarely born from scratch. However, you must always remain on the side of the child when doing this.
You will have to act completely differently if your child is offended by children from high school. Better to intervene right away. First you need to talk to teachers, then to the parents of the abuser, if necessary. At home, dad can show his son effective self-defense techniques. This will only temper the boy and give him masculinity. If you have a daughter, you must immediately make it clear to the offenders that the girl is under your protection and that you should not behave like that with her.

high school
It is advisable to teach a child so that his ideas about the world coincide with reality, whatever it may be. Actually, this is why we teach daughters and sons different things. "Give me change!" - the wording is correct, but only for the boy. She teaches the guy to defend his borders.
The most socially appropriate behavior is possible if it is succinctly written in one phrase: act according to the situation.
It is understood that while the conflict is verbal, defend yourself verbally, and if you were hit, don’t stand idly by, because it’s just dangerous. Of course, it is important to teach children not to offend people for no reason and not to hit anyone first just like that. But the child does not need to be given strict restrictions. In life, a situation may well arise when physical aggression will be an adequate response to non-physical aggression.
The child, of course, will not choose the ideal path himself, but while he does not know how to do this, you should not drive him into a rigid framework. Otherwise, he will learn a one-sided model of behavior and will not learn flexibility, which is important for making the only correct decision in an extreme situation.
You shouldn't put frames at once for several reasons. First, suppressing emotions is harmful. We are biologically wired to show our emotions, especially anger, anger and aggression. In a situation where a child cannot fight back, when he is forced to bend, he feels humiliated and insulted. But he cannot do anything. No matter what he does, he will still lose: if he restrains himself, he will feel lousy, if he hits, he will be reprimanded. Every boy goes through such a situation of hopelessness very hard.
Perhaps that is why modern dads, who themselves went through similar trials in childhood, teach their children to fight back. That is, they teach them to behave appropriately.
Secondly, if some children are constantly forbidden to fight, it may happen that at some point they explode, grab a chair and break a peer's head. By the way, such cases are far from rare. It is better when the conflict still does not reach the boiling point. Just don't escalate. In an ordinary child's fight, it is very difficult to reach a fracture.
Preschoolers and even schoolchildren of primary and secondary grades cannot hit hard, their body weight is too small. So if your child hits someone back, nothing bad will happen. It will be bad for the one who attacked.
It is absolutely natural for a person to feel the consequences of their own behavior. Next time, maybe it won't do that again. By the way, if the girl gets what she deserves, it will be even more useful for her. The moment a girl starts to fight, she stops being a girl and becomes an aggressor. And she must be hit. It's just okay. It should also be remembered that if a boy is constantly attacked by bullying girls, and he is forced to endure this bullying, this can negatively affect his sexual orientation.

There is a difference between boys and girls, but on a different plane. If the girls are fighting among themselves, it's one thing. The same attitudes work here as for boys: giving change to a girlfriend is right, because this is how you protect your borders. But it's better not to mess with boys. For the reason that the girl will not win a physical conflict. And it’s pointless to teach her what she doesn’t succeed in.
Yes, while children are small, theoretically, the forces are equal, but if you teach your daughter to fight with boys, sooner or later it will end badly for her. If the conflict has dragged on and the girl is systematically offended by her peers, it is better to teach her not to hit back, but to solve the issue in a social way: to tell adults about the problem. By the way, the boy also needs to be told about this tactic of behavior.
Of course, you need to teach children to negotiate and resolve conflicts on their own, but if it doesn't work out, they should turn to their elders for help.

Based on the article by A. Kobozeva