How to resolve a conflict, three working ways to resolve conflicts. Examples of conflict situations and ways to successfully resolve them

14.08.2019

You know each other well, spend many hours a day together, create one product and move towards a common goal. They are open and friendly, share ideas freely and are not afraid of criticism. A real professional team! But this is not always the case. What to do if the team has lost focus, and frequent conflicts interfere with the work? How to return a comfortable atmosphere to the team? In this article, we will talk about how to see the conflict in time and how to solve it with the benefit of the common cause.

1. Determine if the conflict requires a solution

Team disagreements are not always a bad thing. Emotional discussions, open expression of point of view, attempts to defend an opinion - often these are working moments among bright and creative people. Such disagreements lead to new, sometimes unconventional solutions. And there is no reason for concern if, in moments of "seething passions", colleagues do not move to the level of personalities and easily return to their usual communication after solving the problem.

But personal conflicts occur when the focus of attention is focused on a specific person and on the relationship with him. As soon as you feel that you are in the midst of unpleasant emotions, try to calm down and direct your energy to solving the problem. After all, a dispute is always two points of view, two options for development. This is better than not having them. The main task is to choose the most profitable for a common cause or combine them, finding a universal solution.

2. Identify the conflict

It is important to learn to notice the first signs of conflict. This is the moment when friendly jokes turn into taunts, and colleagues begin to communicate less, despite the need to solve common problems. The atmosphere in the team ceases to be comfortable even for those who do not openly participate in the conflict. And of course the quality of work suffers.

At this stage, it is important to recognize the existence of the conflict, and most importantly, to understand the reason. These can be personal ambitions of employees, professional contradictions, and even incorrect assignment of tasks or unclear instructions.

If personal grievances are not the cause of the conflict, it may mean that employees do not fully understand their area of responsibility. Use this moment to improve teamwork: review the responsibilities of employees, find out if someone needs to reduce or redistribute the workload.

3. Clarify the situation

It is good if the team has a leader or another person who is ready to take on the role of a “magistrate”. The main thing is not to take one of the sides and let everyone speak. It is important to shift the attention of the parties from negative emotions to facts. This will help you focus not on the circumstances that led to the conflict, but on how to quickly solve the problem.

Use the practice of active listening - ask questions, explain, clarify. Let your colleagues know that their opinion is important, and you want to take into account the wishes of both parties in resolving the conflict.

4. Find a joint solution

It is important that the parties hear each other's point of view and jointly find a way out of the situation. After all, if both sides are happy with the decision made, no one will have the feeling of a loser. The essence of reconciliation is not to quickly resolve the conflict in any way, but to come to the really best option possible.

Such an open dialogue can be a difficult test for the ego of each participant, because we are used to defending "our territory" and not allowing outsiders to enter it. But if you manage to pass it, as a rule, it means a personal and professional breakthrough both for each participant and for the team as a whole.

5. Reflect on goals and values

Each team has a common goal - what they do their work for, what inspires and motivates them. It is important to remind about this in time. It is possible to look at the goal from a different angle in order to mobilize the participants to the correct solution of the situation. Shift the focus of attention to the results of work and pleasant emotions from the completed task.

Refer not only to the overall goals of the team, but also to the shared values that have been formed during the work. This can be a quick solution to customer problems, friendly relations with customers, a special atmosphere in the team, a creative approach to work.

A conflict with a customer can greatly affect a brand's reputation: an unhappy customer will leave a review on the site, complain in social networks, and tell friends. However, if the dispute is resolved correctly on the spot, the amount of negativity is reduced by 25 times: of all bad reviews, only 4% belong to those whose complaint was “processed” here and now. We propose to understand what types of clients exist, what approach is needed for each and what are the rules of this "game". And as a bonus, we publish a list of stop words that in no case should be said to the buyer.

7 golden rules of behavior in conflict

Sales theory teaches that conflict situations are of two types: constructive and destructive. The first ones arise when there are specific claims: a defective product has been sold or the deadline has been delayed. Simply address the cause of the complaint and provide the customer with a bonus, such as a discount on their next purchase. With destructive ones it is more difficult: the client is overwhelmed with emotions, rude, no longer remembers the essence of the claims, and perhaps he is simply in a bad mood. In this case, you need to ask leading questions in order to get to the bottom of the causes of irritation.

Everything looks simple, but in practice these rules are not enough to resolve conflicts with clients. Therefore, we offer 7 more rules, which were formulated by Timur Aslanov, a business coach, an experienced sales manager, and the author of the book "Alpha Sellers: Special Forces in the Sales Department."

React immediately. The thought, “If you wait a bit, the problem will resolve itself” is the worst thing that can come to your mind. Solve the problem immediately, and if time is needed, find out the client's contacts, and as soon as you find the answer, let him know about it.
Keep calm. Demonstrating anger or raised tones does not work in your favor: your future relationship with the client will be at risk, as will your reputation.
Listen carefully without excuses. Instead of defending yourself and looking for reasons that the client is not interested in, do everything so that he understands: you are on his side.
Please apologize. Reach out for yourself and lay the foundation for constructive dialogue.
Suggest solutions even if objectively your fault is not. Any suggestion should be aimed at eliminating the cause of the dissatisfaction.
Provide compensation... Now is the time to reward the client's patience with a compliment from the company. Give him a bonus with a wow effect that will cover the tested negativity.
Treat the argument positively. Competent resolution of conflict situations with clients helps to better understand their needs. And besides, like any experience, it teaches us to act faultlessly in difficult situations.

Recognize and neutralize: what are the types of problem clients

But even if these rules bounce off your teeth, this does not guarantee "victory" in every dispute. The fact is that all clients are different, each has its own "kicks", and each needs its own approach. Stanislav Emelyanov, author of textbooks on conflict management and PR compiled a typology of conflicting personalities, and Elena Ivanova, businesswoman with twenty-five years of experience as a leader, adapted it to business realities. We got recommendations on how to resolve conflicts with different types of clients:

Angry type. Hot-tempered and noisy, hears only himself, reacts to objections with even greater aggression. He should be confirmed as often as possible in anticipation of the cessation of the outburst of anger, and then the person will be ready for dialogue.
Stubborn type. He insists on his opinion, is sure that he is right. It is useless to argue with him, it is better to ask what to do to change his mind.
Ham. It asserts itself by humiliating sellers. Ignore the rudeness, compliment and thank you for your opinion.
Impatient type. Constantly complains, rushes and urges. Find out exactly what he wants and quickly satisfy his need. Let him know that you are only doing this out of empathy for his situation.
The incredulous type. Calls into question your words, information on labels, content of documents. Trust him, convince him that you are on his side, and work together to work out a solution to the problem.
Indecisive type. He is poorly oriented in his desires, but he knows perfectly well what he does not want. Offer him 5-6 options for getting out of the situation so that he can choose.

Stop words when communicating with a client

When resolving conflicts with clients, regardless of their type, keep track of what you say and how: some phrases will have to be excluded from the lexicon forever, others should be paraphrased. Together with Leonid Klimenko, author of the program on telephone sales “This is Leonid Calling! »And an expert in the creation and development of sales departments, we have compiled a list of phrases that you better forget.

Prohibited phrases:

"You are confusing something"
"It's impossible"
"You are not right!" (even if the client is really wrong)
"You had to do it differently"
"I have nothing to do with it / It was not my shift / Our supplier is to blame"
"You are lying to me!"
"Can't help you at all"
"Read our site / catalog / price-list, everything is written there"
“If you don’t like it, don’t buy it. Nobody forces you "
"You can't please everyone!"
"Yes, our customer service is not up to the mark."
"I do not know"
"You do not understand me"
"I can't promise anything"
"You should"
"You are required"
"Are you sure, …?"
"You are asking too many questions."
"I'll take care of you as soon as I'm free."
"These are not my problems"
"It should have been earlier ..."
"What did you want for that kind of money?"

Use with care, depending on the context, phrases like:

"This happens a lot"
"You are the first to say things like this."
"In such cases, we always do this."

Leonid Klimenko, expert in building and developing sales departments:
- I would not add to this list openly boorish phrases like “Don't shout at me”, “What right do you have to talk to me in such a tone?”, “There are many of you, but I am alone”, “Complain as much as you like! You won't scare me! " - this is too rare. But suddenly someone says so

It will be possible to translate the dialogue into a constructive channel by choosing more diplomatic expressions:

How to teach employees to "put out a fire"

Sellers, managers, administrators - it is their lot to work with conflicting clients. Teach them how to handle a difficult situation, and then your intervention will be minimized.

In order for an employee to understand how to resolve a conflict with a client, he must understand:

a) in the law "On Protection of Consumer Rights" and know what the client has the right to demand;

b) in the range and features of the product / service, in order to answer any question or fend off an unfounded claim;

c) in psychology, then he will not take the buyer's dissatisfaction at his own expense and will calmly follow the rules.

Make up an instruction with a clear algorithm: when you need to cope with the situation on your own, when you should resort to the help of the management, and when you should call the security.

You can endlessly improve the product and increase the level of service - all the same, negative situations will happen. However, now you know how to resolve conflict situations with clients in your favor. This means that the next debater will soon turn into a brand advocate.

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In any human relationship, there are disagreements from time to time. Conflict situations occur both at work, in the family, and in the relationship between lovers. Many people experience them quite painfully. And completely in vain. You need to learn how to properly relate to such situations and know how to correctly resolve the conflict.

Psychologists advise to treat positively - as an opportunity to clarify and even modify relationships.

Learning to resolve conflicts

When a conflict arises, it is imperative to let your partner let off steam: try to listen to all his claims calmly and patiently, without interrupting or commenting. In this case, the internal tension will decrease both for you and your opponent.

After the emotions are thrown out, you can offer to substantiate the claims. At the same time, it is necessary to monitor the situation so that the opposite side of the conflict does not again switch from a constructive discussion of problems to an emotional one. If this happens, you need to tactfully direct the debater to intellectual conclusions.

You can dampen your partner's negative emotions by making him a sincere compliment or reminding him of something good and pleasant from the common past.

Respect for the opponent is a prerequisite for how to resolve the conflict correctly. It will impress even an extremely angry person. If, in such a situation, the partner is insulted, personalized, it will definitely not be possible to resolve the conflict.

What if the opponent could not restrain himself and switched to shouting? Do not break down on reciprocal swearing!

If you feel guilty about the conflict, don't be afraid to apologize. Remember that only smart people are capable of this.

Some techniques of behavior in a conflict situation

There are a few tried and true tricks on how to resolve a conflict.

Reception number 1. Try to imagine yourself as a commentator watching an argument. Look at the conflict as if from the outside, and first of all - at yourself.

Mentally fence off with an impenetrable cap or bulletproof vest - you will immediately feel that the barbs and unpleasant words of your opponent seem to break against the obstacle you put up, and no longer hurt so sharply.

Seeing from the perspective of a commentator what qualities you lack in a conflict, endow yourself with them in your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.

If you do this on a regular basis, the missing qualities will indeed appear.

Reception number 2. How to resolve the conflict between the disputants? This very simple technique often helps not only to relieve tension, but also to avoid confrontation altogether. You just need to move away or move away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties are physically, the stronger the intensity of passions.

Reception number 3. Surprise your opponent at the moment of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. It's just a great way to deal with conflict. It's hard to swear with a person who is inclined to joke!

Reception number 4. If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor deliberately provokes a conflict, insults and simply does not give a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in this tone. Better to postpone it "for tomorrow".

Taking time out will calm you down, get some respite to find the right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.

What should not be allowed in a conflict

Good self-control is the key to successful

You need to learn to restrain emotions and In a conflict with partners or clients, it is strictly prohibited:

irritable tone and swearing;
a clear demonstration of their own superiority;
criticism of the opponent;
looking for negative intentions in his actions;
disclaimer of responsibility, blaming the partner for everything;
ignoring the interests of the opponent;
exaggeration of their role in the common cause;
pressure on "painful spots".

The best way to get out of a conflict is not to bring it up.

Psychologists advise treating conflict as a positive factor. If at the very beginning of building a relationship, noticing conflict moments, do not gloss over them, you can put an end to serious quarrels in the bud.

It is necessary to try to "extinguish the fire" even before it flared up. Therefore, the best way to resolve a conflict is not to bring it up. After all, there are already a lot of difficulties in life, and nerve cells will still come in handy.

Often the cause of confrontation is the accumulation of unspoken negativity. The person is annoyed by something in the behavior of a colleague, or simply driven out of himself by some kind of habit of a loved one, but he does not know how to say this so as not to spoil the relationship. Therefore, it endures and is silent. The effect is exactly the opposite. The accumulated irritation sooner or later spills out in an uncontrollable form, which can lead to a serious conflict. Therefore, it is very important not to bring to the "boiling point", but calmly and tactfully express your claims as soon as they arise.

When to avoid conflict

But there are times when it is not worth it, because it is she who will help solve the problem. You can consciously go into conflict if:

you need to defuse the situation by finding out the sore one with a loved one;
there is a need to break off relations;
yielding to your opponent means betraying your ideals.

But you need to remember that deliberately going into a conflict, you need to sort things out intelligently.

Memo "How to correctly resolve the conflict"

To get out of a conflict situation as quickly as possible and with the least loss, we suggest the following sequence of actions.

1. First of all, the existence of a conflict must be recognized. Situations should not be allowed when people feel opposition and act according to their chosen tactics, but do not speak openly about it. It will not be possible to resolve such a conflict without joint discussion of the parties.

2. Having recognized the conflict, it is necessary to negotiate. They can be either face to face or with the participation of an intermediary who suits both parties.

3. Determine what exactly constitutes the subject of confrontation. As practice shows, the parties to the conflict often see the essence of the problem in different ways. Therefore, you need to find common ground in the understanding of the dispute. Already at this stage, it is important to determine whether a convergence of positions is possible.

4. Develop several options for solutions, taking into account all possible consequences.

5. After considering all the options, settle on the one that suits both parties. Record the decision in writing.

6. Implement the solution. If this is not done right away, the conflict will only deepen, and it will be much more difficult to renegotiate.

We hope that our advice will help you, if not avoid conflicts, then get out of them with dignity.

The content of the article:

Conflict is a situation of confrontation that can arise both between two people and between groups of individuals. This is one of the side effects of communication of different personalities with different views, characters, goals and worldview. It cannot be eradicated, but it can be avoided or minimized. To do this, you need to know the nature of conflicts and the main methods of their prevention.

The concept of conflict and its types

There are many definitions that describe the concept of conflict. But at the same time, everyone shows the main essence of this phenomenon - confrontation, contradiction, confrontation between people, expressed aloud.

This is a complex dynamic process, which got its name from the Latin "conflictus", which means collision. It can be based on subjective or objective "inconsistencies". More often it has an open character and is accompanied by emotions with a minus sign, but it allows you to consider the issue from all sides, to hear the opposite point of view.

In the process of formation, a conflict situation has several successive stages of development:

Subject stage... This is the stage of the inception of the conflict, when the object of disagreement is discovered.
Conflict interaction... At this stage, the detected subject of the conflict is expressed openly. The confrontation is developing.
Conflict resolution... There can be two options for the ending: complete settlement of the conflict, when the situation is resolved, or partial, when it only calms down or is postponed for later.

The modern classification of conflicts is based on many factors: the number of participants in a conflict situation, its manifestation, consequences, forms of confrontation, etc. Therefore, the number of types of such confrontation is very large. Here are some of the most popular classifications of conflict situations.

The main types of conflicts:

According to the consequences of a social nature... According to their outcome, confrontations can be successful or unsuccessful, destructive or constructive, constructive or destructive.
By the levels of the parties to the conflict... Depending on who acts as the opposing sides, conflicts are distinguished between individuals or groups of people, between associations, state formations and cultures.
By source of occurrence... The following topics can lead to confrontation between the parties: inconsistency of values, identification, interests.
By the form of confrontation... Confrontation can manifest itself openly, aggressively or peacefully.
By scale... Depending on how many participants are captured by a conflict situation, it can be local (local) and limited to a few people or a team, as well as regional, when whole regions come into confrontation. Also, the conflict can grow to interstate and global proportions.
In relation to the participants in the conflict situation itself... Given that the parties to the conflict themselves may relate differently to the misunderstanding that has arisen, the confrontation can be genuine, accidental, hidden or false, objective or subjective.
By tactics... The manifestation of confrontation can take place in different forms: in the form of debate and debate, in the form of a game, or, more severely, in the form of active physical influence (fight, military action).

Causes of conflicts

Human existence is multifaceted, therefore, the reasons for the emergence of confrontation can affect a variety of areas of human activity. The conflict can be based on purely emotional hostility, rejection of certain forms of behavior or certain situations, etc. Let us dwell on the most significant factors that form conflict situations.

Common causes of conflicts:

Goals... Misunderstanding or rejection of the desired result, when people see the result of their activities (actions, decisions, behavior) differently, often leads to confrontation.
Views... Often, a conflict arises between the parties who disagree on the ways of solving a certain situation (problem).
The senses... A conflict situation can also be of a purely personal nature, when its participants simply cannot agree on the level of emotions and feelings for each other.

If we consider these causal factors from the perspective of the spheres of human activity, they will look like this:

Causes of social conflicts... Social opposition is a prerequisite for the development of society. It can be based on several positions: social inequality, heterogeneity of culture and customs, difference in values and ideology. Many social confrontations are based on economic factors and the degree of distribution of power. Within the family, the reasons for conflicts can be different views on life, parenting, intimate relationships, jealousy, financial and everyday problems, bad habits and addictions.
Causes of conflicts within the organization... Forced to be within a heterogeneous collective in the conditions of one organization inevitably leads to the emergence of confrontations. A spark for flaring up a conflict in this case can be a struggle for leadership, unsatisfactory working conditions, a difference of interests, understanding of the labor process and subordination, the distribution of material benefits and incentives.
Causes of interethnic conflicts... The desire to improve the economic situation or the boundaries of influence, living conditions, restoration of lost rights or geographical boundaries can cause enmity between states or subjects of different nationalities. Historical, religious and confessional differences, political games and the numerical superiority of one nation over another give no less reason for interethnic strife.

Understanding the cause of a conflict situation gives a great advantage to those who want to manage it. The most effective way to avoid conflict is based precisely on the knowledge of its nature.

How to avoid conflict

Most people who become participants in confrontation try to justify their behavior by circumstances, emotional background, provocative behavior of the interlocutor, etc. They do not even suspect that there are ways to avoid conflict - in any situation.

There are some general tips that will help to nip the conflict "at the root", regardless of what is its cause and how many participants:

Keep your emotions in check... The best way to prevent or constructively end a conflict situation is to turn off your emotions and your ego. It is the "sober head" that will help to conduct a dialogue so that later you do not regret what was said or done.
Don't screw yourself up... Learn to live in the moment, without running your thoughts and fantasies into the future - do not fantasize about what is not, and what has not yet happened. It often happens that we wind ourselves up, building in our head inconceivable variations in the development of events, on which we then base our claims. Although it turns out that they all turned out to be far-fetched.
Be attentive to the interlocutor... If you have a reason to discuss a problem, advise or find out something, choose the right time for the conversation - when the interlocutor is tuned in to dialogue. If he is out of sorts, tired, upset or angry, you have every chance to turn communication into a conflict situation.
Do not remember the past... Make it a rule not to "tie" past wrongdoings and mistakes of your interlocutor to today's problem. Such tactics will only aggravate the confrontation. This is a very effective way to avoid conflicts with loved ones.
Do not accumulate resentment and problems in yourself.... Unresolved controversial moments, unspoken experiences and grievances tend to accumulate and splash out in a fountain of negative emotions. Naturally, conflicts during such outbursts cannot be avoided.
Keep calm and courteous... So that the conflict situation is quickly resolved or does not arise at all, monitor your speech. Do not be hysterical, speak in a calm tone, without insults, ridicule and mockery.

How to avoid conflicts with your boss

Most of our life passes at work, so the possibility of misunderstandings in this area of life is great. Moreover, they can arise in several planes - with colleagues or with a higher-ranking employee, a boss.

The main rules on how to avoid conflicts at work with your boss:

The boss is always right... Remember this basic principle of any leadership. And even if it is very difficult to observe it, in any case, your opposition should be deliberate, tactful and adequate.
Calm, only calm... If you have come under the hot hand of your boss or consider the claims made to you unfounded, restrain yourself from a violent response. Wait until the "aggressor" calms down, and only then find out all the points you do not understand.
Gossip - stop... Make it a rule not to discuss leadership with your peers. Even outside of work and in an informal setting. There is no guarantee that your words will not convey to the ears of the subject of discussion.
Correct relationship... Do not allow frivolity and fawning in communication with the management. Only professionalism in communication and behavior will help you avoid confrontation with both management and colleagues.

How to avoid conflicts with colleagues

The main ways to avoid conflicts with work colleagues:

Keep your distance... A working relationship will not only provide you with the most efficient working environment, it will not make you the target or victim of gossip.
Be impartial... If you are involved in a conflict, do not choose sides and remain neutral. You do not know how it will end and what consequences it will leave behind. Be calm and reasonable even when you are one of the parties to a conflict situation. Even if the cause of the conflict is personal "intolerance".
Observe the principle of "tete-a-tete"... Try to seek permission to any misunderstandings and disagreements alone with the interlocutor, outside the team.
Respect the experience of others... If you are uncomfortable with comments or attempts to interfere with your work by more experienced employees, do not hesitate to calmly find out the reason for this attitude towards yourself. If you are truly “sinful,” accept help and improve.

How to avoid conflicts with friends

Life shows that moments of misunderstanding and disagreement can arise even between the best friends. Considering the same life, there are not many good friends, so you should not risk them and enter into confrontation with them.

Get away from conflicts... If you see that your friend is in an aggressive mood and a conflict situation is inevitable, physically avoid the collision. You can think of urgent matters, an unsolved problem, an iron that is not turned off - anything that will give you a reason to stop communicating with a friend at the moment of his "inadequacy".
Pause... Try not to react to comments and barbs right away, especially if they are petty and insignificant. Use the classic method of counting to 10. And there you will see how to answer and whether it is worth answering at all.
Prioritize... If a conflict is inevitable, think about what is more important to you - to maintain friendly relations or to prove your point of view. In this case, you can blindly agree with the instigator or try to jointly find a world solution to the problem that has arisen.

How to avoid conflicts with parents

The conflict between fathers and children is an eternal problem of relationships, the relevance of which will exist as long as the participants themselves. Parental love, combined with life experience, do not always find a common language with youth and the desire for independence.

Basic principles of how to avoid conflicts with loved ones:

Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes.... Try to approach the causes of conflict impartially and correct when necessary.
Don't let your feelings go... Leave provocations and intentions to throw you off balance without a response. Emotions often make it difficult to see the root of the problem and the correct way to solve it.
Be tactful and condescending... Being polite, calm, and listening without interrupting are the best ways to show the value of good relationships with loved ones. Make allowances for the age of your relatives, emotional background, health status. Mood swings and poor health are common to everyone.
Prevent conflicts... Do not accumulate resentments and misunderstandings, so that they do not create the basis for the emergence of confrontation.

How to avoid conflicts with children

No less reason for misunderstanding and collisions can arise with their own children. This makes it much more difficult to maintain a productive parent-child relationship.

The main rules for avoiding conflicts with children:

Look at the root of the problem... Very often, children use conflict situations in order to attract attention to themselves. And parents - first of all. Learn to first see the cause of the confrontation and only then choose the path of its solution.
Criticize correctly... A child, like any adult, is unpleasant to hear criticism in his address. Therefore, try to make comments to your child correctly: firstly, in essence, and secondly, with a continuation, that is, explaining how to correct himself, to become better.
Explain your denials... If you do not intend to satisfy every desire of your child, learn to argue for this. Ignoring will only exacerbate the problem, since the child perceives such an attitude towards himself as indifference.
Chat with your kids more often... It is confidential communication that makes it possible to find out everything that your child breathes - his fears, desires, moods, dreams. And, accordingly, avoid conflict situations.

How to avoid conflicts with your loved one

If relationships with parents and children are blood relationships, then relationships with their other half have a slightly different perspective. This perspective gives a lot of reasons for the emergence of conflict confrontations. And if you do not find the best way to avoid conflicts in the family, this family may either not exist or not become.

The main ways to avoid conflicts with your partner:

Respect your other half... Remember that your significant other is a person who has their own tastes, habits, interests, and preferences. In the end, this is the kind of person you love.
Be sincere and honest.... The best cement for strengthening relationships is sincerity and openness. Do not forget that it is not fair to demand from your partner what you cannot do or do not possess yourself.
Listen to yourself... Before you start a conflict or take offense, look inside yourself. Perhaps emotions, fatigue, or ordinary hunger speak to you. And keep in mind that your half may be driven by the same reasons.
Be nicer... It is well known that an affectionate word is pleasant to a cat. Therefore, notice in your partner more good things, praise and motivate.

Important! Remember that happy people simply do not have the time and reason to sort things out with someone and gossip.

How to avoid conflicts - watch the video:

In the modern world, conflicts have fertile ground for development, but this does not mean that this state of affairs should be taken as the norm. Peaceful communication and mutual understanding make life more beautiful and fruitful. Therefore, it is worth fighting to keep all confrontations to a minimum.

"It is bad when in a dispute a person hears only himself, but it is even worse when he does not even do this!" Vadim Zverev

Our reaction to conflicts is always different: some try to avoid them, others, on the contrary, like to provoke, others are ready to “lay down their lives”, but defend their point of view.

There are situations when a person reluctantly compromises. But the likelihood that the "smoldering flame" of extinguished discontent may eventually flare up with a new flame remains.

There is another way that helps to look into the essence of the problem when you do not know. And find a solution that would suit both parties.

Remember one of the rules of NLP: "".

This rule is the basis of the NLP technique.

Solving a communication problem using 3 positions of perception "

First, let's recall the positions of perception that were discussed in the article.

1st position from your "world map".

In the first place are the needs and values of the partner.

3 position - the position of the observer.

Here the focus is on the relationship between the parties.

The technique of 3-positional perception can be applied absolutely in any conflict situation.

Any conflict is, first of all, a lack of information in one of the positions of perception.

Indeed, very often we tend to interpret what happened, proceeding only from the 1st position. While any communication process can be represented as the interaction of 2 different systems and their integration into one common one. Resolve the conflict always easier when connecting a 3rd dissociated position. In it, you are detached from emotions, which always "prevail" in any conflict of interests.

For example, consider the problem of the relationship between the boss and the subordinate: the subordinate believes that they are being unfairly nagged at him. And the leader considers his claims to be well-founded.

How can a conflict be resolved in such a fairly common situation?

3rd perception positions

For a better perception, you need spatial anchors in which you designate

After that, act out a dialogue in persons between you and the leader (to for example, your name is A., and your leader is M.S.).

IMPORTANT to use " direct speech!

Play out the scene. Feel like an actor who has to play both roles at the same time.

Don't forget to jump on spatial anchors as you play your own leader!

Continue the dialogue until you are "at a dead end" and do not understand what to do next.

After that, go to the 3rd position.

Look at the situation in a dissociated manner, through the eyes of an observer, and give your own vision of what is happening.

Better if it is a metaphor.

For example:

From the side of A. looks in front of MS as "a boa constrictor in front of a rabbit"

I see that A. is constantly on the defensive

It seems that A. and M. S. communicate as a deaf person with a blind person.

I got a feeling of a hidden confrontation between these people

A. clearly lacks arguments and M.S. it is annoying ”and so on.

Then try to see (as an observer) the positive intentions of each side:

Suppose A. believes that he should not recycle (moreover, this is not compensated in any way)

M.S. wants A. to have responsibility and understanding that “business is above all”.

Try to find a meta-outcome that brings the interests of both parties together.

To do this, you need to clearly understand what's important in this conflict for A., and what for M.S.

It is easier to come to a common result when there is an understanding of each other's values and needs. Therefore, the conversation should be conducted either at the level of A. and M.S.'s needs. , or go to

You should get answers to the questions: “Why? What does it do? What is the use of this? "

Remember that you cannot influence your partner's behavior and invent for him how he should speak or behave towards you.

All changes must come from the "I - position".

But at the same time, the rule works: "If one element of the system changes, then the whole system also changes"

For example:

1. A. says he is ready to do this job. But he would be satisfied that the "Job responsibilities" were spelled out in detail, and with him immediately stipulated additional work and the conditions on which it can be performed (terms, payment, possible promotion). His conviction "My efforts must be rewarded!" And when it happens I feel like Respect me and my work!

2. A. finds out what specifically M.N. and agrees on the time frame for which he is ready to complete this amount of work, but asks to be assigned an assistant for this period.

His conviction: "To perform my duties and additional work efficiently, I need time and the help of a secretary who will make the necessary calls." There is a deeper need behind it. feel calm.

3. A. explains that he can do this work on weekends. And asks to allow him to leave on certain days earlier by 1 hour in order to keep up with the English courses. His conviction: "I am ready to show loyalty to the company and work on the weekend, but I am waiting for a reciprocal understanding and my request."

And behind this also lies the need for Respect.

Management beliefs:

1. MS believes that every employee should feel responsible for a common cause.

Here you can "dig even deeper" and realize what is important to MS when it happens exactly as he thinks? Perhaps this is his desire feel calm, when the responsibility for the result lies not only with him.

2. M.S. believes that the approach “here is mine, here is not mine” is not accepted in their company and indicates the absence of personal responsibility of the employee. Think about rewarding an employee only after he "shows" himself.

Perhaps this is how his need to Secure yourself from bad workers. Only in this case he feels Calm.

By associating with M.S, one can better feel what is important to him!

Both MS and A. have their own Needs. And there is nothing wrong with the Needs themselves.

The problem is that sometimes we become extremely flexible in our desire to satisfy them only in the way that seems to us the only right one. Although there are many other compromise solutions that allow the interests of both parties to be met.

If you want to resolve a conflict, it is important to be aware of both your own and other people's needs... And structure the conversation in such a way as to show that you see and respect them. And then come to a common denominator "win-win". Think about how best to do it!

3. Let A. give himself from the 3rd position three or four pieces of advice that will help him feel Calm and Respect and broadcast them to his Interlocutor.

Sit comfortably in the chair and be more confident. You can take the folder. From the side it is noticeable: you do not know where to put your hands.

Don't look at the floor when you talk to MS! And do not look away when he "runs into" you.

Do not make excuses! It's not your fault. And speak a little slower. Calmly voice your vision of the situation.

You can even tell an anecdote "on the subject":

“My grandfather came to the dacha. Thinks: "Well, finally, in silence, in nature, I will rest!" What is there! The neighbors' children played so noisily that the grandfather suffered the whole evening. He swore with his parents, admonished the children, nothing helped. And then my grandfather came up with an idea. He called the children to his place and said: “You shout so well. Here's 50 rubles for that. The children were delighted and ran away. The next day, the grandfather calls the children up again and says: "Shout even louder today, and I'll give you another 20 rubles." The children were upset that this time they gave less money, but still they made some noise. On the third day, the grandfather said that he would give them 1 ruble. But only if they surpass themselves. "Only 1 ruble?" - the children were indignant. “No, grandfather, you won’t wait. We are not going to shout for such ridiculous money. " And they never shouted again. "

Ask MS if he thinks it is the right approach when his employees do not know "their job responsibilities"? Express your intention to work on such conditions that the common interests of both yours and M.S.

Now play out a dialogue between A. and M.N. taking into account the recommendations that the "Observer" gave you. Be sure to use spatial anchors (for example, pieces of paper with names) and direct speech!

Did you manage to achieve the result this time?

Move back to the 3rd position of the observer and give a "vision of the situation from the outside."

What changed? What has become different?

What else can be added to A.'s behavior?

Conduct an environmental audit. Do it from the 1st position.

Wouldn't the new behavior hurt you? You will not lose anything if you behave in a new way? If nothing bothers you, then everything is fine! If you feel dissatisfied, fine-tune the dialogue with the advice of the Observer. An environmental check is mandatory!

Adjusting to the future.

Imagine several situations in the future where a similar situation will occur. How do you feel about it? What additional resources have you got? Will you be able to behave differently than before?

I wish you good luck and wisdom !!

LOVE YOU!

" Conflicts arise not because of differences, but because of disrespect for these differences. "Jeanne Cousmesh

"Life is a process of solving an infinite number of conflicts. A person cannot avoid them. He can only decide whether to participate in making decisions or leave it to others." B. Wool

"Don't quit your job because of conflict. Quit if there is no prospect for personal growth." Mikhail Litvak

"In a business conflict, there is a discussion of the problem. In a psychological conflict, personalities are discussed. A psychological conflict goes to the point of mutual destruction, while a business conflict solves the problem and brings partners closer together. "Mikhail Litvak

"Fool is the one with whom it is difficult, the clever is the one with whom it is easy;

a person is complex, with whom it is simple;

a person with whom it is difficult is simply arranged. "

Mikhail Litvak

"Of the two quarreling, the one who is smarter is more to blame." Goethe

"Techniques require four qualities that reflect the nature of our world. Depending on the circumstances, you must be: hard like a diamond, flexible like a willow, smooth like the flow of water, or empty like the sky." Ueshiba Morihei

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ALL THE BEST!

WITH THANKS! ARINA