How children live in same-sex couples. Children in homosexual families. First studies
How will homosexual children grow up? July 9th, 2017
This topic literally does not leave the pages of the press and TV screens. Moreover, it has already become a sign of "Europe or not Europe." In order to become a European, you now need to fully embrace the policy of loyalty to sexual minorities.
And how will the children who were raised by homosexuals grow up? The answer to this question has been of interest to everyone for many years.
Proponents of same-sex partnerships argue that children don't care if they have a mom and dad or are raised by two men (or two women). Pro-family and religious organizations, as well as many psychologists, shout with might and main that children raised in an atmosphere of homosexual relationships will by default be psychologically traumatized and inadequate in life.
But due to the fact that the legalization of same-sex partnerships and especially "marriages" began to occur in some countries not so long ago, until recently there was no reason to make objective scientific conclusions. For a simple reason - the generation of such children has not yet grown up.
However, in the fall of 2010, Mark Regnerus, PhD in Sociology and Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin (USA), began his famous research study on "How adult children with same-sex parents differ" and published his results.
In general, there is nothing unexpected or surprising for me personally, read it yourself ..
The scientist completed his work a year and a half later - in 2012. However, data analysis continues to this day - it is available to all interested scientists, thanks to the Intercollegiate Consortium for Political and Social Research at the University of Michigan.
The study involved 3,000 adult respondents whose parents were in same-sex sexual relationships. As a result, the findings were truly shocking. However, this was to be expected. But for the first time this was proved by an authoritative scientist from an authoritative university, and the results were published in the equally authoritative publication "Social Science Research".
High level of venereal infection. In the published data, it is reported that 25% of pupils of homosexual parents had or have sexually transmitted diseases - due to their specific lifestyle. For comparison, the number of infected peers from prosperous heterosexual families was fixed at 8%.
Failure to maintain family fidelity. And here is the reason for this level of infection. Those raised by homosexual parents are much more likely to be loyal to adultery - 40%. A similar indicator of loyalty to cheating among those who grew up in heterosexual families is 13%.
Psychological problems. The next shocking fact is that up to 24% of adult children from same-sex "families" have recently planned suicide. For comparison, the level of such moods among those who grew up in normal heterosexual families is 5%. People raised by a homosexual parent are much more likely than people from heterosexual families to turn to psychotherapists - 19% versus 8%.
This is not surprising. After all, 31% of those who grew up with a lesbian mom and 25% of those who grew up with a homosexual father have ever been forced to have sex against their will (including by their parents). In the case of heterosexual families, only 8% of respondents report this.
Socio-economic helplessness. 28% of people from families where mom was a lesbian are unemployed. Among people from normal families, this level is only 8%.
69% of those with a lesbian mom and 57% of those with a gay dad reported that their family received government benefits in the past. Among ordinary families, this is true in 17% of cases. And 38% of those who grew up with a lesbian mom still live on government benefits, and only 26% have a full-time job. Among those whose father was a homosexual, only 34% currently have a full-time job. For comparison, among those who grew up in heterosexual families, only 10% live on state benefits, and half are employed full-time.
Sexual Identity Disorder. And finally - the numbers that finally destroy the myth that upbringing in a same-sex "family" does not affect the sexual orientation of a grown-up child. So, if dad or mom had homosexual relationships, then only 60-70% of their children call themselves completely heterosexual. In turn, more than 90% of people who grew up in a traditional family identify themselves as completely heterosexual.
Trying to close Regnerus's mouth
What is significant, when Mark Regnerus was preparing the obtained data for publication, an aggressive information campaign was launched against him. LGBT activists demanded not to allow the public disclosure of the research results. The hottest heads began to slander, calling Regnerus a fraud and charlatan, demanded to dismiss the professor from the University of Texas. Even many scientists took up arms against their colleague.
Then the University carefully studied all the charges and scrupulously analyzed all the data obtained by Regnerus. The research methodology was tested separately. As a result, the University confirmed that the scientific work is of the highest quality and meets the academic requirements.
sources
There are symptoms of pre-homosexuality that are easy to recognize. In addition, these signs usually appear early enough in a child's life. Most of these behaviors develop during preschool age, between two and four years of age.
These include persistent desire to belong to the other sex or insistence that he or she belongs to him; in boys - a tendency to dress up or imitate women's outfits, in girls - persistence in wearing only typically masculine clothes; persistent desire to participate in games and activities characteristic of the opposite sex. Dressing up is one of the first signs, research by Dr. Richard Green shows.
However, in many children, symptoms of early homosexual development may be less noticeable..
Behavior features that can contribute to the further development of homosexuality include such as unwillingness to play with other boys, fear of rough and outdoor games, shyness when changing clothes in the presence of other men (but not in the presence of women), discomfort when communicating with the father and lack of affection to him and, possibly, increased affection for the mother.
It is based on the fear of being different from others. At the heart of the boy's homosexuality is a feeling and fear that is different from other children. Such fear accompanies the boy for as long as he can remember. And this "dissimilarity" creates a feeling of inferiority and isolates him from other men. At the same time, the fear turns out to be unspoken, hidden, about which the parents and relatives of the boy can only vaguely suspect.
Most gay men recalled that in childhood they were physically undeveloped, passive, lonely (except for friends), non-aggressive, indifferent to power games, shunned other guys who seemed threatening and attractive to them. Many of them had traits that can be called gifted: they were intelligent, precocious, artistic, at the same time sociable and friendly. But such men from childhood were distinguished by hypersensitivity and gentleness and were simply not sure that masculinity was part of who they were.
Due to the peculiarities of temperament and family environment, later such a boy avoids the need to identify himself with his father and the masculinity that he personifies. Thus, the pre-homosexual boy does reject his awakening masculinity and takes a defensive stance towards her. However, later he will fall in love with what he lacks, he will look for it in others.
These boys, at risk for their temperament, need special recognition from parents and peers in order to develop a strong masculine identity. However, don't get it.
Isolation from one's gender is the root of homosexuality
According to psychoanalyst Robert Stoller, the first law of how to be a man is not to be a woman.
During infancy, both boys and girls are emotionally connected to their mother. In the language of psychodynamic therapy, the mother is the first object of love. She meets all the primary needs of her children. Girls continue to develop their female identity through their relationship with their mother.
But boys face an additional developmental challenge - to stop identifying with their mother and reorient themselves to identifying with their father. They must separate from their mother and cultivate differences from their primary love object in order to become heterosexual men.
Many psychologists who work with adult homosexuals found that in their youth, these men did not like rough fiddling with other boys and most often avoided their company. They preferred the company of girls who were softer and more outgoing, just like themselves.
But later, in middle adolescence, these gender-undecided boys suddenly change their focus: by then, in their eyes, other boys become much more important - and even attractive and mysterious - than girls who are indifferent.
The opposite process occurs with their heterosexual classmates: asserting their male gender identity, normally developing boys contemptuously reject the company of little girls. From about 6 to 11 years old, children, especially boys, close their ranks to the opposite sex. "I hate girls," the boys say, "they are stupid. They are not needed in our company."
In this way, healthy boys and girls assert their gender identity, and in order to do so, they need to surround themselves with close friends of the same gender. This is an important precondition for subsequent contact with the opposite sex during adolescence.
The period of emphasized association with one's gender is a necessary phase in the process of deepening and clarifying normal gender identity.
During this significant period of development, the opposite sex becomes mysterious, which lays the foundation for future erotic and romantic attraction to him. (We are romantically attracted to someone who is "not like me."
Then, by adolescence, the picture changes.... A normally developing boy becomes interested in girls. Now they are no longer so indifferent - suddenly they turn out to be much more interesting, incomprehensible and even romantically mysterious.
To be continued
For many decades, ministries like ours have been helping those who are struggling with their homosexuality. The fruit of this ministry has been the publication of a number of books, ten years of weekly television and the production of an award-winning documentary.
We recently released a documentary for them, which I recommend to every Christian leader, as well as to those who have such loved ones or you think they are.
The biggest problem we see in ministry is parents who have one or more children who are homosexuals. We recently interviewed a young man with a certain attitude who came out to his parents, saying: "I am gay, I am HIV-positive: how am I to you now?"... However, most children are scared to death to confess to their parents.
The point is, by the time your child tells you the news, he has probably already been tormented for years about this moment of confession and is therefore extremely vulnerable to the tone of your response. This information will come up for you for the first time. So prepare your heart and mind now, so that later your unconscious and conscious answers will be redemptive in nature, not accusatory.
Despite all your media and gay pride impressions, nobody really wants to be gay! Your child didn't choose to be that way. Your children are not your enemies, this enemy is the devil (Eph. 6: 10-12; 1 Peter 5: 8).
Also note that your child may have successfully resisted homosexual attraction for years, and needs much more praise for it than fear, rejection, or judgment.
photo - Jasn
Can you remember how strong your sexual urges were in your youth? Now imagine that it was an urge to do something that the Bible calls an abomination. Imagine what chaos this would cause in your developing personality and what suffering it would cause ...
In my experience, most homosexuals are filled with self-hatred, which is the root of many other sinful acts and unfree behavior.
So, be clear about your position in this regard. Your child is not an abomination! For the holy Lord, sin, in all its manifestations, is an abomination. But the child whom He created is always loved and accepted at the moment of repentance.
But even before repentance, they are loved, and this is reality and strategy. Scripture teaches that love encompasses us (2 Cor. 5:14); grace teaches us to say no to wickedness (Titus 2: 11-14); and God's goodness leads us to repentance (Rom. 2: 4).
Remember also that your child is young and relatively unfamiliar with these types of violent attacks, so they probably don't know how to deal with them properly.
In the media, in culture and through influential people, the lie is constantly spreading that people are born that way, and there is no healing from homosexuality.
Before responding to their confession or revelation of sinful desire, remember your hidden sins and how the devil tore your personality and how you suffered from his arrows during the years of your personality formation.
And consider also how Jesus himself reacted and responded when people were convicted of sin (John 4 and 8; Luke 7:37), before you make your first comment when you hear what your child is suffering from.
Common reactions
Here are some common reactions from parents when they first hear this news.
Reactions that turn the child off:
Horror- disbelief and horror that their worst nightmare has become reality.
Disgust- disgust at the thought that their child may be involved in homosexual activities (or wants to participate).
Sorrow.
Anger- parents sometimes begin to get angry at the Lord for allowing this to happen, or at the child, for doing something to create such an attraction in himself. Such early reactions can be understood, but they are not justified and they must be recognized in order to refuse them (Eph. 4:26: “In anger, do not sin”). Better focus your anger on sin and the devil than on your child.
Negation- yes, some parents do not really believe that their child is actually trying to confess to them that he is homosexual. However, I must say that due to the atmosphere prevailing in the current culture, which glorifies homosexuality, some impressionable children do simply convince themselves that they are homosexual in order to gain recognition, but research shows that this phenomenon goes away by the age of 17. if not earlier.
Trying to bargain with God — "I will do this and this for You, Lord, if You will make this problem disappear."... Trying to manipulate the Lord doesn't help.
Disappointment in a child- selfish, but understandable reaction, parents realize that they probably will not have grandchildren or daughter-in-law / son-in-law - for many, their innermost dreams die.
Disappointment in yourself- many parents blame themselves for the fact that their children are homosexuals, because they have heard that this may be partially or completely the result of some family problems. Their self-centeredness forces them to focus on their perceived failure as a parent rather than their child's plight.
Shame- parents may think: “What will our friends and colleagues think of us as parents?”... This problem, more than any other, can destroy the illusion that they are “good parents” in the eyes of others. The irony is that their son or daughter's homosexual attraction may have nothing to do with their parenting skills at all. There are many potential factors other than family that can be the cause (e.g. sexual abuse, peer rejection, etc.)
Fear of the future- many parents fear for the salvation of their children, as if temptations in themselves are an unforgivable sin, although this is not so. It is very important that children hear from their parents that temptations are not in themselves a sin. This deliberate act or a life of temptation is a sin that, incidentally, can be forgiven. Other fears include fears that their children might have AIDS or other illnesses, or that this child might affect other children in the family.
Trying to shower your child with Bible verses on this topic Is a huge mistake that almost all parents make. Usually the child himself knows all these verses very well and already knows some of the heretical interpretations provided by the so-called “gay theologians”. So, start talking about this topic only when you are already well prepared.
Speak the language of science and medicine- without a prepared answer regarding the "science of homosexuality" (in which your child undoubtedly believes), it would be a mistake.
Plan to fix it- Parents have corrected various mistakes of their children over the years, and they try their best to correct that too. However, due to the fact that the dynamics of family life may be part of the problem, as well as the fact that by the time of notification, your child will probably already be at that age when he is struggling to distance himself from your influence and become independent personality, you, as parents, will be among the last among those people who could somehow fix this problem. This is a moment of humility when you trust your child to God and other people who are more likely to influence him.
Kick him out of the house- Kicking a child out of the house for being gay is the worst thing a parent can do. The streets are filled with these kids trying to survive by selling themselves to whoever pays the most. And there are enough predators who are just waiting for this, as well as gay organizations that specialize in "helping" young abandoned children.
Lose interest in him- loss of interest in your child's life and what he is doing is even worse. They will go into the world in a desperate search for the love and care they should receive at home.
Reactions that will bring your child closer:
Approval of their homosexual attraction and behavior can be a quick way to bring harmony back into the home, but deadly in relation to eternal life. There is nothing more selfish than trading your child's well-being in eternal life for peace at home.
Feeling helpless and unable to do anything about it- this is a very common and understandable reaction to the news heard for an unprepared parent. Now is the time to prepare, while at the same time realizing that God must be at the center of this process and that you cannot do anything without Him.
Understanding, empathy (if applicable), and physical hugs- these are the first reactions that parents should show to their child when he goes through a crisis. However, in his article on the subject, Tim Wilkins of the Ministry of the Cross talks about some nuances when it comes to mothers whose sons are gay: “Often gay sons unconsciously identify with their mother and not their father. Excessive intimacy can characterize their relationship. If so, mom should show her love in a less demonstrative way; in the end, the son needs to learn to be correct about his gender. "
Understanding- sincere understanding - and belief that "By the grace of God I will go."
Unconditional love Is a necessity. Love your child like the child of God that he is. But love him also enough not to accept his sexual desires as something good, sacred or natural. They are a reaction to something that went wrong in their upbringing, experience and / or environment and finding that something that went wrong can be the first step in starting a transformation under the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit.
Seeking help from the Lord and trusting Him in this respect: "Help us, O Lord!"... My mother learned this when she interceded for me one day with tears. When she begged God, the Lord spoke to her: “Trust Me!”. At that moment, she realized that before that she did not trust God. She tried to get Him to do what He already wanted to do. She tried to figure out how to save me with her own wisdom and power of manipulation. But the moment she gave me into the hands of the Lord, for the first time truly trusting Him, God began to do an amazing job even without her help.
Encourage the child to think that the relationship and cooperation with God in this matter will bring good results. This is the path of any sanctification. This happens through developing intimacy with the Lord and following His instructions that this transformation leads to. This is also the main goal of life. Some might argue that they asked God a million times for God to heal them and He did nothing. I did it myself as a child and was angry with God for not answering. But I demanded from God what I myself did not yet understand. I was throwing ultimatums to the Lord that I would turn my back on Him if He was inactive. I was young and did not want to humble myself and become obedient to the Lord, and I expected Him to serve me. There are many reasons why people do not receive answers to their prayers immediately, and it is not God's fault that and how we demand. The Lord is flawless!
If the Lord reveals that you or your spouse played a role in your child's problem, then seek God's forgiveness and forgiveness from your child. Humble yourself. Accept the forgiveness that God has promised for every believer (1 John 1: 9) and move on. Not believing and not accepting for oneself the fulfillment of God's promise of forgiveness is not a well-deserved punishment, but unbelief and an obstacle to sanctification.
Seek advice and support for your child on Christian-themed sites like RestoredHopeNetwork.org, PurePassion.us, SuchWereSomeOfYou.org, and HowDoYouLikeMeNow.org
Be Barnabas- the son of hope and support.
Be open to communication even in the worst of times.
Here's another good tip from Tim Wilkins: "Focus on your child's broken image, not sexual activity!" and "Rebuild your broken image of your son or daughter, remembering that masculinity or femininity often comes from imitation rather than teaching."
Finally, let's look at some of the common situations that arise when a child is confused by homosexuality and begins to rush and torn even in the peace and safety of the home.
Difficult situations
Unrepentant child- just keep pouring out God's love and joy. Remember the father who was waiting for his prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32). He let his son learn a lesson in life, but ran up and hugged him when he returned, without any judgment or accusation.
Does he want to invite his gay partner to visit? Consider the ages of other children in the home who might be affected by this and how much they might want to be like their brother or sister. If it is safe in this respect - then an invitation to dinner might be a good solution. After all, your child's partner needs salvation no less than himself and can even influence your child's walk with God if he himself responds to the Gospel.
Does he want to spend the night with his partner in the same room? Never! You need to protect your home and family from the demonic influence that can come through allowing this behavior in your home. If your child promises that they will sleep in separate rooms, and you believe that this will be so, then this question needs to be brought to the Lord so that He will guide you in this.
Understand and be prepared for possible emotional manipulation, for example: “If you don’t allow me to be the way / the way I am, I will leave and I will never talk to you again!” In this way, they ask you to love them more than you love the Lord, and they use your deep affection for them to keep your faith from being redeemed. Jesus says we should love Him more (Matt. 10: 37-39). In the end, your child will respect you for this.
Attend a gay wedding or reception? It will be very helpful if you, when declining an invitation to such a “wedding,” explain the biblical reasons so that they can see that this is an act of loyalty to your Lord for you, and not just rejection of them. Use Genesis 1 and 2 to explain that God made us heterosexual and monogamous. Show them this topic in the Old Testament and the Prophets (e.g. Isa 62: 5, Hosea), and then show the Lord as the bridegroom and His people as His bride, as well as the verses that describe Jesus as the bridegroom of the Church (John 3 : 26-30, Eph 5: 22-32 and Revelation 19: 7-9). Attending a homosexual wedding is a denial of the sacred image and reality of God and His plans for marriage and human sexuality. A gay wedding is not a wedding in fact, and your presence at it will be tantamount to your confirmation and agreement that it is right and sacred. Attending a reception or celebration will carry the same message, but each situation is so different that the best way is to always ask God for advice.
Hebrews 11 teaches us that sometimes we won't see the answers to our prayers, but that they are answered by the Lord at the perfect time. If the Lord delivers your child from this lifestyle prematurely, he will simply return to the same thing again. But there is a certain point in our lives when we are finally ready to surrender to Jesus. This is the moment when the Lord will do whatever it takes to bring healing in those matters that led to same-sex sympathy in the very beginning. It's not easy to hear, but “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths ”.
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“Blessed is the man who endures temptation, because, having been tested, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12)
As I said, I want to invite you to watch two documentaries filmed in order to help people who are confused about homosexuality (SuchWereSomeOfYou.org) and for those whose loved ones suffer from a similar problem (HowDoYouLikeMeNow.org). You can watch the trailers and learn how to order DVDs from these sites.
Always remember that God loves your child even more than you love yourself. Remember also that because you have made a personal covenant with the Lord through faith in Jesus, your prayers touch His heart especially deeply. So get ready, trust God and do whatever He tells you.
Author - David Kyle Foster/ charismanews.com
Translation - Zina Gavrilyuk for
of which there are persistent rumors. And if Phillip Kirkorov and Nikolai Baskov have been attributed with gayness for a long time, and this will surprise no one, you will never, as they say, “look at” about some celebrities.
In their research, collective bloggers relied on posts on gay forums in which visitors to thematic clubs shared what they saw there certain stars kissing and hugging their own sex, insider gossip (which should not be underestimated), the most weighty urban folklore , as well as on the statements and hints of the stars themselves (including jokes and jokes on entertainment shows), as well as on the Internet revelations of lower-ranking gay men who allegedly slept with celebrities.
The dwachers also analyzed messages on the Internet in which former concert promoters talked about how the stars attending the concert, with their help, sought out same-sex lovers for relaxation.
The result is the following selection, which is not necessary to believe, but it is interesting to read it.
Sergey Lazarev
Has Lera Kudryavtseva never pressed her naked body against this inflated torso?
Alla Pugacheva on the air of radio "Alla" once brought Sergei Lazarev into a state of shock, saying literally the following on the air: “You shouldn't get married, so as not to be lonely! And you shouldn't, as I understand it. If you suddenly get ready, you know what I will tell you as a wise woman? You personally, if you get married in order to order, you need a friend first of all, a life partner.
Because all these sex shmeks, they go and come. And for the birth of a child, you can try once, even two or three. But, in principle, a person is not needed for this in life. I know that you have a friend and assistant Misha (Mikhail Dvoretsky, director of the singer - approx. Time Out). And I just congratulate you on the fact that he loves you very much ... "
Nikolay Tsiskaridze
A charming, art-enthusiastic man of great charm, who hardly hides his homosexual orientation, and even jokes about slippery topics on television when he feels confident.
Nikolay Baskov
Sources describe him as "the most intimidated" and "intimidated" homosexual in Russian show business, for whom to come out means the loss of most of his audience, since these are archaic venerable old women of strict views.
But where without him in this collection ... By the way, the singer Lolita is a famous gay icon and a woman who publicly supports and protects gays and lesbians in Russia.
Oleg Menshikov
It is difficult for fans to believe this, but too many sources indicate that, at least in his mature years, the handsome actor is increasingly gravitating towards young male lovers.
Viktor Sukhorukov
And you, brother ?! ...
However, the magnificent eccentric himself has not been hiding for a long time, and with hints in various interviews makes it clear about his difficult personal life. With men.
Maksim Galkin
But what about Alla Borisovna? The most powerful Russian gay icon, LGBT sympathizer, by the way, etc.
The most popular rumor about Galkin points to the comedian Sergei Drobotenko as a long-term partner of Maxim. Mom Drobotenko recently indirectly confirmed in an interview with NTV-shniki, when journalists took her by surprise with insidious questions.
Evgeny Mironov
He lives with his mother all his life, in interviews the topic of sexual orientation and personal life in general is a taboo, and a reason for the anger of a sophisticated artist. According to numerous rumors (especially among theatergoers), this is no accident!
Alexander Rybak
Ay biliv in e fairtail ...
And he too?! And so cute ... Although, yes, everything is logical - he is so cute!
Andrei Malakhov
On gay forums, no one calls Malakhov except "Andryusha". Perhaps Andryusha is the only closed gay whose recognition of homosexuality would not harm his career, because he is too exemplary, intelligent and benevolent for older fans to stop loving him for some kind of homosexuality.
Phillip Kirkorov
Well, how can it be without him. They say that in the song "Snow" he took off his young lover, and the song is dedicated to him.
Pavel Lobkov
What, this one too ?! ... And we watched "Plant Life!"
Lobkov, by the way, became the eleventh in this collection, although we promised ten characters.
Fresh selection of funny anecdotes
As far back as I can remember, I dreamed of being a mother. Boil porridge in the morning, boil and iron tiny diapers during the day, pour in a bathing bath in the evening. Take the children to kindergarten, read them books at night, check the lessons after school, secretly kiss them asleep, already matured and so independent ... I felt: this is mine, I am a born mother. The years passed quickly, faster than necessary, maybe, and I still did not meet the ideal dad. No, not that I had unrealistic demands on the father of my future children. I dreamed of a kind, generous and cheerful guy. From time to time it seemed that here He is, but something did not work out. From one I heard “it's too early for us to have children, let's live for ourselves,” the other turned out to be stingy, the third was not approved by my parents. And for me, their opinion has always been important, that's how I was brought up.
Well, it somehow happened: at the age of 30 I realized that I was wasting my time waiting. That, perhaps, the ideal father and the ideal life partner are not the same thing. I said to myself: "Lyuba (hereinafter - names have been changed. - approx. MC), you just have to give birth, and if you meet true love, then you and your child will be accepted." I began to read on the Internet how women solved a “problem” similar to mine. I dismissed IVF, because it is not “godly”, and, most importantly, my child will not have a father. Who would play football with his son, and roll his daughter on his shoulders and call him a princess. And on one of the forums where girls talk about ours, about women, I came across the topic "I gave birth to a gay man." Shock! First thought: this is nonsense! What will such a father teach a child ?! But I started reading ... and realized that such a dad is essentially no different from the traditional one. I began to correspond with girls who gave birth to guys of a different orientation. Yes, these dads are coming, but for the most part they also love babies, they come, play, walk, give money, take them to rest and cry when they hear the first "dad". In short, everything is as with an ordinary man, with the only difference that you understand: he is the father of your baby, but he will never be your husband. I decided to take a chance, went to the dating site, as I was taught on the mommies' forum, and in the section "a girl is looking for an unconventional couple for motherhood" I created my own profile: Love, 30 years old, not married, Muscovite, no material problems, I smoke, I am looking for a man, consisting in such and such a long relationship, without bad habits, serious, firmly on his feet, etc. Several guys responded. On the first "date" I walked on cotton feet. And ... I did not suit them: as we later found out in the correspondence, I seemed to them plump (what if the baby will go into it?) And too strict (what if she will raise the child with a belt?). Can you imagine ?! This is such a serious approach. I don’t remember that the traditional husbands of my friends thought about such things.
The more meetings, the more clearly I understood that I was on the right track: most of the guys thoroughly approached the issue of paternity, to the extent that they brought the test results to the first meeting, so that I was sure that everything was in order with my health.
My Olga is four years old. Her dad conquered me by the fact that an hour after pleasant communication, embarrassed, he took out a notebook and gave it to me to read. There were letters to our future Olya. It turned out that Lesha has been making these notes for a couple of years. I read absolutely my mind. About how he carries a child into the sea in his arms - the first swim! And about how he timidly changes diapers, and about grandparents, and about the alleged me - the most captivating: "Mom is an indisputable authority."
But getting to know and even making friends is one thing, but how to go to bed with a stranger's man and make a child without love? After all, I, and Lesha too, decided that modern reproductive technologies are not our way. To be honest, on the first attempt I was waiting for ovulation on pins and needles, I was freaked out, I suddenly began to consider myself abnormal - all husbands and families, and I had to sleep with a gay man to give birth, and of course, nothing came of it. Thank God, Leshka turned out to be an understanding man, we lay in bed in our pajamas for almost the whole day: we watched a movie, chatted, he poisoned jokes, ran to the kitchen for sandwiches and tea and did not rush me anywhere. And about my abnormality, he simply said: "Everyone has their own path to happiness, ours is not better and not worse, just a little more difficult." And he also gave statistics on how many children in the world are born in families like ours, how many through IVF. He was a doctor, he knew what he was talking about. The numbers and the meeting with a friend who saw me and Lesha in a cafe and rated him at five on a five-point scale (not knowing about his orientation), I was finally reconciled with reality. A month later, we made another attempt. As usual, I tracked ovulation by temperature, texted “daddy”: “It's time!” For some reason, I put on beautiful underwear, probably in order to feel more confident. But it worked. Lesha noticed him! And somehow everything happened easily. Yes, without my orgasm, but we were so focused on something else - at that moment I did not think about my pleasure.
I will not torment: the miracle did not happen, I did not get pregnant on the first try. Leshka said that this is normal and he is ready for the marathon. Our "marathon" lasted 4 months. When the blood showed that the hCG hormone had already grown to several hundred, I jumped to the ceiling. Inside me is a little Olga! Or little Seryozha! I came up with the names a long time ago, and our dad did not mind. He said: "You are a mother, you will decide, from me, and so will be the patronymic and surname." Why I decided to write the child under the father's surname is probably not necessary to explain: I stand on the fact that the father is fundamentally important in the life of the children. Lesha and his boyfriend, who jokingly called me "rival", arrived in the evening to celebrate the event. I don't know how the boyfriend actually perceived everything that was happening, but he never pretended to be jealous or nervous. Yes, and at some point I forbade myself to think about him: this could alienate us from the desired goal.
“I considered myself abnormal: everyone had husbands and children, and in order to give birth, I had to sleep with a gay”
I remember pregnancy as in a fog. Constant terrible toxicosis, jumping hormones, I eat in buckets. On the sixth month I was overwhelmed: I began to beg Leshka to get married. Every day she called and sobbed into the receiver: "Please, marry me, we will live together, you will change, you will see!" What a blessing that he managed to convince me. Softly but firmly he repeated: "Lyuba, we are still together for life, why do we need a marriage?"
Lesha was not present at the birth. Yes, and an ordinary husband, I would not want to see there. It was difficult for me even without him, but for a beautiful meeting from the hospital, a stroller, a crib and a dowry, I am grateful to our dad. He bought everything, brought it on time, collected it ... Even before Olga Alekseevna was born, he said that he would put 200 euros on her personal account every month for her 18th birthday (he calls it start-up capital). My daughter is already 4 years old, and every month I receive an SMS: “Money has been transferred”. This is among other expenses for the child. I can't say that Lesha supports us. Rather, we share the cost of the child equally. He does not come often, alas. This upsets me a little, I would like Olya not to wait for dad for weeks. But ... I do not exclude that another dad will soon appear in my daughter's life. The fact is that I recently met a young man. As I once dreamed: kind, generous, cheerful. Not gay. I am mentally preparing for a conversation with Lesha, my nerves are vibrating. Of course, I will not tell my boyfriend the whole truth; I will leave the topic of orientation outside the brackets. For the traditional male psyche, this is a test.
By the way, there is a legend for my parents that Olechka's father and I "decided to remain friends." In general, my experience is by no means a call to “do as I do”. I told this only so that you remember Lesha's words: there is no single right decision, everyone has their own path in life.
From the editorial board
In our magazine, we give a podium to different points of view. Lyuba's story is not a denial of the classic family and not an ode to gay people. By the way, the heroine herself insists on this, who at the time of signing the issue began to prepare for the wedding, which is quite traditional.