Sibling relationship. Rivalry myths. Fight for mom's love. Avoiding sibling rivalry

31.05.2019

Source: Denise Foley, Eileen Nechas. Encyclopedia of Women's Health.

Ed. "Kron-Press", 1995
Per from English. M.G. Luppo ("Rodale Press Inc, 1993).
OCR Palek, 1998

You have the same parents, genes, past, sometimes even one bed
and one piece of clothing.
You were friends and rivals, you shared secrets and you were mortal enemies.
At times you felt so close, as if you were Siamese twins, at times you drifted apart and felt like strangers. You can arouse each other's deepest love and deepest hatred.
If you are someone's sister, there is a person with whom you are connected very much
complex relationships, one of the most difficult known between people.
"It's a relationship like," I can't stand you. I hate you to death ...
I love you. You are a part of me, "says Adel Faber, along with
Elaine Mazlish, who wrote Brotherhood Without Rivalry and In a Circle
brothers and sisters. "- These can be volatile, ambiguous attitudes
niya ".
Exploring the relationship of adult siblings, Victoria Khilkevich Bed-
Ford, Ph.D. from the University of Indianapolis, found that
for most people, sibling relationships include
by elements of expectations, obligations and conflicts. Brothers and sisters of all
ages and all degrees of kinship are sure that they can always
rely on each other (although in fact they rarely help each other
yy). The sisters in particular look at the breakdown of ties as a temporary phenomenon.
indolence. "When they are apart," Dr. Bedford notes, "they expect
that in the future the lost connection will be restored, and this is
is really happening. "

CONFLICTS BETWEEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS

TIME INCREASES THE NUMBER OF WOUNDS

Brothers and sisters who fought in childhood over who would sit on
the front seat, and found out who my mother loves more, becoming an adult,
continue to compete - who earns more, whose children are smarter and
who will take care of the mother. Based on his research, Dr.
Bedford found that sisters often clash over inheritance.
Brothers and sisters, when sorting out a relationship, cross boundaries that are not
no one else would dare to cross. You recall the ugliest moments
in each other's lives at the most inopportune times. You declare to another,
who he (or she) really is ("nutty", "pig", "selfish
ka "), although you do not notice who you yourself are turning into.
turn without consideration any aspect of another person's life, as if
you have the right to do so.
"My sister is incredibly tactless," says 48-year-old Karen.
Spaulding on his 54-year-old sister. - Over the years, I taught myself not to be offended.
huddle on her statements. Once I showed up at her house by the sea
in comfortable sandals for walking. She immediately asked: "What is this for you
old man's orthopedic sandals? "
that she wears an old lady's dresses, but I didn’t think to tell her
something like that. And when we were younger things like that made me
cry".
Although there is reason to believe that over time, the relationship between the brothers
and sisters are improving, sometimes even time cannot change the prevailing
representation. Dr. Bedford recalls visiting the home of
the woman featured in the study to see her sister, whom this
the woman described as beautiful. "She was beautiful only in the eyes
sisters, says Dr. Bedford. - In my opinion, the sister who admired her
was much more attractive. Her eyes were light, she was interesting
person, possessed hidden talents and surprisingly joyfully perceived
life is small. The second sister was boring, uninteresting, usually good
very special. "

THE ROOTS OF THE Rivalry

It is not difficult to trace the roots of the rivalry between sisters and brothers. "It starts
recalled in early childhood from the rivalry for the love of mom and dad, -
says Faber. - On my last trip, I watched ma-
mine with a 6-7-month-old baby in my arms and a 3-year-old boy who is clearly
lacked maternal attention. Mom was completely absorbed by the younger,
she hummed to him, making him smile. To look at this scene is mutual
Noah love was a pleasure. But the expression on the face of a 3 year old boy!
It read: "How can you do that? You're my mom!"
Even if your parents were very attentive to your feelings
and tried not to single out anyone, children could still see rivals
in each other. For a child, a sister or brother is the one who steals from them,
steals songs, tales and smiles that belong to them.
These feelings are not necessarily related to the parents, says Faber.
- In fact, in my personal conviction, people get married
for the reason that the words of the marriage vow "to leave all others" mean
"you are mine (mine)". This is what I wanted all my life, a person who belongs
lies only to me! "
But friendships between siblings are interfered with not only
rivalry and resentment that we carry in ourselves since childhood. Despite
the fact that brothers and sisters inherit about half of the same gen-
new, we can be no more alike than two strangers, occasionally
who find themselves side by side on the street, write Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin in
the book "Fates Diverge: Why Brothers and Sisters Are So Different". Although he-
there is a non-physical connection between us, we can be completely different
people who experience completely differently what appears to be
common life, perceiving it in their own way. If you are asked to describe one and
the same event from your childhood, you and your brothers and sisters, it is quite possible
clearly, reproduce the situation from the famous Japanese film "Rasemon",
in which witnesses to the crime give a completely different picture of
how it was done.
Faber describes an incident from her childhood when she, a 10-year-old girl,
ka, was impatiently waiting for her adored older brother to return from the city
yes, where did he work. When he showed up, he asked her to take a walk after supper.
go with him. "It was what I longed for, - he wanted to talk -
rit with me! - recalls Faber. - But when we moved away from the house for yards
fifty, my brother thrust ten cents into my hand and asked me to cover him.
He was going to meet a girl. I was just killed. This was the first
the refusal that I received from the man. "However, when, already as an adult
loy, she reminded her brother of this incident, it turned out that he kept
there was only a very vague memory of him. "This is so typical of
brothers and sisters, she says. - The one that left such a woe
a trace in the memory of one of them, the other does not remember at all. "

FORCE OF GRAVITY

And yet, no matter how distant we are geographically, in life experience
or psychologically, there is a strong bond between siblings.
Maybe we are being pushed towards each other by a special kind of emotional attraction.
niya.
“I’m not like my brother and sister,” says Faber. “My
sister is very pragmatic, she can count well. My brother is a business
men. I am much more emotional. It seems like there is no strong bond between us
knitting. But then one Sunday we decided to visit my father, who
ry lived in a nursing home. Brother and sister came to pick me up. I collect-
I was getting into the back seat, but they said: "No, no, sit with us,
in front. ”As I settled into the seat between them, I felt
coziness, delightful family feeling. There was something purely physical about it.
rationally. As if my genes were saying, "Oh, what happiness, what happiness,
family together again. "
Through research, Dr. Bedford found that there are ways to
to improve the relationship between siblings if they are
screwed up incorrectly. Age, she soothes, makes us equal. How
the older we get, the more we value family and feel obligated
save contacts. "Leaving for a residence in another place once again for-
reminds us how much we need our brothers and sisters, she says. - Or,
for example, you lose neighbors, so you start to rely more on
your sister. You talk to her endlessly on the phone. "
Although it is different, but the death of parents can rally children,
especially if it leads to closer contact. "People get attached
to each other when they see each other more. Circumstances such as death
one of the parents who make it necessary to contact a friend
with a friend, helped some people from the group I worked with. Uluch-
there was an emotional component of their relationship. Often, what does not add up
moose in the past, is leaving, because communication allows you to forge connections in
present, "says Dr. Bedford.
Of course, close contacts can stir up old grievances as well. "That former
ny girl can hide inside you, waiting for when to do
sortie and nullify your efforts, "she warns.
"If time has not been able to heal old wounds," says Faber, "you
have to make a choice. You can bury the old so as not to spoil
relationship in the present, or "pronounce" what interferes, discuss these
problems with a brother or sister.
Some will benefit from a long, heartfelt conversation, advises Faber. -
For example: "I never felt hatred for you, I was jealous", "I
thought you hated me, that's why I behaved like that. "You will laugh,
cry, and then suddenly find yourself treating each other
in a new way ".

Conflicts between children have always existed! The role of adults, parents, mentors, teachers in this matter is very necessary. How to establish friendly and decent relations between children, minimize the conflict between brothers and sisters? How to overcome aggressive rivalry in your home?

Struggle to get more attention and affection from parents. This applies to children with a 3-5-year age difference.
Lack of employment among children, elementary boredom and fatigue from everyday pastime.
Household troubles, or the establishment of a personal life by one of the parents.
Misbehaving mom or dad, when one child is given everything: care, attention, encouragement, and the other is given only continuous punishment. This contributes to the destruction of self-esteem between children. This behavior of parents is inhuman and anti-pedagogical, and if you do not intervene in time, you can achieve disastrous results. Worse, when mom says “why are you not as obedient as your brother” or “look how your sister folded her toys, but you can't do that.” These are the everyday phrases that can "take the earth out of under the feet" of the baby: create a difficult problem, give rise to rivalry, various forms of aggressive competition, screams and scandals, and other troubles.

Brothers conflict

There is a strong bond between the brothers, it manifests itself not only during the period of their separation, but also pushes for a special kind of emotional "riot".

It is not difficult to trace the roots of rivalry from infancy, when the mother involuntarily devotes more time to one, while the other remains outside the scene of "love" and reproachfully looks at the relationship between parents and younger brother.

Such feelings can be caused not only by the wrong behavior of the parents, the "individuality" of genes can also affect. Brothers experience different life situations in completely different ways, perceive reality, act as they see fit (generating conflicts in the family).

The following situations can also cause quarrels:

brothers yell at each other for a piece of cake, a notebook, pencils, a bicycle and much more;
did not agree on where to go to play - to the playground or to a neighbor's house;
a quarrel over favorite clothes, household items;
jealousy towards friends, inability to express oneself individually.

All these conflicts can develop into serious consequences over time:

the inability to stand up on oneself, to show willpower;
cause excessive nervousness;
a person will not be able to compromise, learn to negotiate in a conflict situation;
to look sensibly at the current troubles, allowing liberty in the manifestation of strength.

In addition to these factors, the conflict between brothers is also curled up on the order of the birth of babies. The older brother may be overprotective of the younger, thereby unwittingly causing aggravation of their relationship.

Sisters and brother

Conflict between brothers and sisters is a special type of relationship that arises on the basis of "power" and lack of mutual understanding, as well as:

in search of equality and justice;
when dividing personal space and property;
rivalry for friends;
with a difference of interests;
lack of resources;
dissatisfaction with psychological needs.

Problems can vary depending on the age of the children:

It is a big mistake for parents to shoulder responsibility for the younger child on the shoulders of the older child, to shame him for not coping with these responsibilities. If mom and dad are overly strict with the eldest son, and the younger daughter is pampered and cherished, then the first will grow up to be an insecure and uncommunicative person.
When the eldest girl in the family, there is no need to make a "man in a skirt" out of her, often from an early age she feels like a leader and tries to subjugate her brother, and later - other men!

As they grow up, children of different sexes can quickly find a common language, sympathize with each other. Brothers and sisters who fought over every little thing in childhood can become a support for each other during their school years.

Psychologists advise parents:

It is simply impossible to avoid quarrels and resentments in every family; brothers and sisters may feel anger, hatred, jealousy and discontent towards each other. But parents should not close their eyes to this, thereby driving hostility far into the heart, which over time will be fueled by resentment, guilt and fear, forming complexes and other difficulties in the behavior of an adult.
It is important to treat children fairly, respectfully, taking into account their biological and physiological characteristics, paying attention to the needs of each child.
If there is a conflict, it is necessary to separate the children in different rooms and give them time to think, and not force them to immediately ask for forgiveness without understanding the situation.

There is also such a wonderful way to rid children of evil and confrontation - give them a piece of paper and a pencil and ask them to draw themselves in anger, then visually tear these pieces of paper and throw them away. This technique contributes to the outburst of aggression, adjusts children to friendly relations.

Two sisters

Sometimes sisters overstep all boundaries when sorting out the relationship, which affects the psychological and moral state of the family. Sometimes jealousy scenes can hurt parents, friends, and acquaintances.

Some of the most common causes of conflict between two sisters may be:

jealousy of parental love;
tradition - to wear things for the elder;
excessive custody of a younger child;
sisters love in one boy.

On the one hand - the domineering older sister, and on the other - the desire to be a person and not listen to her unceremonious reproaches and instructions. The younger sister is most often removed from the battlefield, assumes the pose of an offended person, withdraws into herself and ignores all communication. In the worst case, he starts a war, while poisoning the life of all relatives and himself, including.

Psychologists advise:

For children... During growing up, the sisters form their own opinion, outlook on life, an individual life and personal life appear. Very often the best friend becomes much closer than the sister. In order not to spoil family ties at all, it is necessary to communicate more often, go on vacation together, take care of each other and help parents. Teenage conflicts can be easily resolved if you have a heart-to-heart talk, express your point of view, find a compromise solution to the situation.
For parents... When children's fights arise over trifles, girls cannot share a toy or dress, then it is important for adults to intervene in time and correctly place accents in the upbringing of their beloved daughters, so that they grow up unselfish personalities, and always follow the golden truth: a sister is a close friend and dearest man in the world!

Two brothers

If twins, twins or triplets are born in a family, then a genetic predisposition to rivalry will play more here. Of course, if the parents don't keep repeating that Vova was born first, and after Vanya, Sasha or Kolya.

This strategy will make one brother “taller” over the other, allowing him to be the elder, taking on the role of guardian and commander.

Twin brothers are unusually close to each other, often act as one person, perceive themselves as one. They can even have one admirer, and they will not quarrel over this. Their world is common for two, they are ready for self-sacrifice for the good of the other.

In a family of triplets, quarrels arise over household items, toys, clothes, children's transport, the struggle for parental attention, constant squabbles among themselves for friendly relations. Psychologists advise sending such children to different classes, so that they do not become dependent on each other, and learn to make decisions on their own.

Parents should form in their children an idea of themselves as a separate person, so that they can find their purpose on their own, choose the right path in life, and not hide behind each other, creating problems not only for themselves, but also for those around them.

What should the parents of rival children do?

Rivalry between children can create an unfavorable atmosphere in the home and lead to stress for parents.

In addition to the negative, such competition allows early age to build a system of relations "subordinate - leader", to study the system of establishing friendly ties in a team.

Experts have long confirmed that the ability to cooperate with other people, the ability to withstand competition arises in early childhood, these are the models of the relationship between little brothers and sisters. This is why it is so important for parents to monitor the behavior of their children and make their own deliberate and useful adjustments.

Neutrality must be maintained and calmness during children's disputes. Do not run into the room to the exclamations of the kids, take a pause - let the children understand that they must resolve their quarrels themselves. When expressing children about the conflict, pay attention to all aspects of the situation, do not succumb to emotions, often the instigator of the quarrel himself shouts more, and the offended one stands on the sidelines and takes everything upon himself.
Do not highlight favorites, do not compare children... Each personality is individual, all depending on gender, age and parental preferences. If Masha draws well, then Kolya is not obliged to do the same. He wants to play guitar or sing songs!
Punish Every Child Equally... Here the child's age plays more, if he is the youngest, this does not mean that he should receive less “for nuts” than the older one.
Definitely need to clarify children that words can settle the conflict, and not start a fight. Show by example how to handle this situation without violence.
Let the children get out of the conflict situation independently, find a compromise solution. Moreover, this must be done without the intervention of an adult as a judge.
It is important for parents to control the outcome of the situation., to make sure whether the grievance remains in the children or not, because it can deeply "sink" in the child's soul and grow to aggression and violence in the future.

And most importantly, mom and dad need to set a positive example so that children, even in the most difficult situations, can solve the problem by the method of agreements and compromises. And then your kids will always be friendly and happy!

Video: Conflict of children in the family

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Parents make every effort to ensure that peace and harmony reign in their family, and children take away toys from each other, sneak, argue, swear and even fight. At the same time, the father and mother ask themselves the question: “What is my mistake, what did I do wrong? Why is there no agreement in our family? "
The rivalry between children, of course, annoys parents and unsettles them, but this is a normal, natural process. Discord, jealousy between brother and sister is an integral part of growing up. In some families, this rivalry manifests itself more strongly, in others it is less.
Why does such rivalry arise between children? One of the possible reasons is that children dispute each other's right to care and attention from their parents. Parents occupy the main place in the system of life values of the child, which is why the child does not want to share his father or mother with anyone, especially with a brother or sister. This circumstance in itself is a sufficient basis for a conflict. I exist! and other reasons for internal disagreements between brother and sister: personal characteristics of each child, the difference in their inclinations and interests, the difference in age. It also happens that parents, without realizing it, give one of the children a clear preference, make the child their favorite. Consider also the following question: How much time does each of your children spend with their father or mother, and how much time do the children spend with each other? This circumstance may turn out to be important. Thus, as we have seen, rivalry between children arises under the influence of a number of very different factors, and therefore, it is almost impossible to completely eliminate it.

Is it good to have a brother and sister?

The relationship between brother and sister is not just rivalry. If a child has a brother or sister, he will not feel lonely, he will not have to look for a companion for playing for a long time. A brother or sister acts as an older or younger friend, advisor, confidant. Children help each other build relationships with the world around them. Sometimes brother and sister protect each other, for example from a neighbor boy-brawler. When children grow up, their life and social experience turns out to be very similar - after all, they grew up in the same family, their memory keeps memories of family holidays, traditions, travels to the sea, out-of-town picnics and even those days when the family was going through hard times. A special, trusting relationship develops between brother and sister: they trust each other with their little secrets, which they will never tell their parents about. This kind of communication binds brother and sister into an inextricable bond that persists throughout life. „
Even the occasional rivalry between children has its positive aspects, since competition, rivalry is inherent in human nature. Children are always trying to surpass each other in something, to establish their authority - this is how they master various aspects of human relationships. Learning about the world around him, the child in the most natural way makes a brother or sister an object of his observation: he notices their reaction to certain of his words and actions. This is a natural and inevitable process, without which a personality simply cannot be formed. Building their relationship with a brother or sister, children gain confidence in their abilities, learn to defend themselves and get used to independently resolve all controversial issues. Children compete with each other for leadership status and take turns holding this honorary title.
Parents should keep a close eye on the sibling relationship. If children's rivalry becomes ugly, if a tense atmosphere constantly reigns in the family, quarrels often break out, if parents have to spend a lot of time and effort to resolve conflicts between brother and sister, this means that children's rivalry has gone beyond the normal, natural behavior of a school child. age. If the child is aggressive, cruel to a brother or sister, this means that the matter has gone too far and you need to consult a specialist.

What to expect from children

Brothers and sisters compete with each other at almost any age, but among schoolchildren this rivalry manifests itself with particular force: its peak usually occurs between the ages of 8 and 12. Especially zealous rivalry arises in cases where children in a family are of the same sex and age, and also have the same interests and inclinations.
Older siblings tend to be much more competitive than younger siblings. For a younger brother (sister), an older brother (sister) is often an idol, a role model. On the contrary, the older brother (sister) views his younger brother (sister) as a kind of "troublemaker". The first child enjoyed a special status with the parents: all parental love and care went to him alone. With the advent of a younger brother (sister), the situation has changed, so the older child often perceives the younger as a rival, a competitor who encroaches on his inalienable rights.
When the rivalry between brother and sister takes on extreme, ugly forms, the child is exposed to serious emotional and psychological stress. A kid loses self-respect if an older brother or sister humiliates him mentally and physically. Experiencing constant psychological pressure from an older brother or sister, the child is disappointed in himself, he feels unnecessary and unwanted, it seems to him that his parents do not love him, that all their love and affection is given only to the older brother or sister. Sometimes the older brother or sister tries to establish their authority by force - in this case, the physical health of the youngest child may suffer.

Foster brothers and sisters

A special form of rivalry between brother and sister arises in those families where one of the children is an adopted child. Nowadays, the number of divorces and, accordingly, remarriages has sharply increased, so the number of families in which a stepmother or stepfather is raising a child of her husband or wife has also increased. In such a situation, conflicts often arise in the family. When two families are united into one, children, who practically do not know each other, have to sleep in the same room, use the same bathroom, play with the same toys. Of course, at first, quarrels inevitably break out between children. At the same time, children try to somehow adapt to a new life situation, to a new marriage of a father or mother, to their stepmother or stepfather, and sometimes to a new home. This is a very difficult and painful process.
In families where a stepmother or stepfather is raising an adopted child, the antagonism between children takes on a completely different color. If the twelve-year-old daughter of one of the spouses becomes a nanny for the three-year-old child of the other spouse, she, naturally, can express her discontent with such injustice in the most harsh form. When disagreements arise between members of a new family (for example, spouses cannot agree on where to go for the holidays - to the husband's parents or to the wife's relatives), children almost always take the side of their own father or mother. Thus, within the family, two camps are at war with each other, and the rivalry between children is further intensified.

"Good day! A misfortune has fallen on me, with which I do not know how to cope! I am 30 years old, after my divorce from my husband I did not meet with anyone for a long time, six months ago I met a young man, everything seemed to be just wonderful. He began to visit us often at home - I live with my mother and younger sister, she is 19 years old. But lately I began to notice that my sister is flirting with my friend with all her might, and he, what is most offensive, answers her in kind! By his arrival, she always dresses very defiantly, tints up, does not leave the house when she knows that he has to come. Last Sunday he spent the night with us, I woke up later than him. I go out into the kitchen, and they are drinking coffee together, my sister is wearing shorts and a T-shirt, sitting very close to him. I have already tried to talk to her, I asked my mother to help - all to no avail. My sister laughs, says that I am notorious, that it is stupid to be jealous, but I have no right to demand that she stop painting and wear beautiful clothes at home for me. And my mother, in general, always indulges her in everything, even now she pretends that nothing special is happening. What should I do? I am so afraid of losing a loved one and ruining my relationship with my family! Help me please! Regards, Tatiana"

Answer:

Tatiana, good afternoon!

Your situation is really not easy and requires competent and accurate behavior. Relationships with loved ones are of great value, and they should be treated as carefully as possible. It should be borne in mind that other people do not necessarily feel the same as you, and that for them some actions may have a completely different meaning than for you.

It is possible that your sister in this way proves to you (and first of all, to herself) her importance in the family. This often happens with younger children, who, on an unconscious level, act out on their older brothers and sisters during the time when they had an advantage over the younger ones in terms of making decisions and getting what they want.

You yourself know how it happens. The kid is sent to bed, and the older brother is still watching TV. The youngest child is not allowed to walk in the yard alone, while the older one goes for a walk in the company of cheerful friends. This is how what is called the unconscious arises, which later, at a more adult age, may well result in a desire to prove that they are not bastard, and also have the right to do what they like. But this is at best.

In the worst case, rivalry with your own sister over a partner can really arise. Such situations between sisters and brothers, and even between parents and children in real life, unfortunately, are much more common than it is customary to talk about.

An aging mother can be hostile and jealous of a growing beautiful daughter, and in this sense, real life is sometimes much scarier than the story told in the fairy tale about Snow White or the Sleeping Princess. After all, the jealousy and hostility of the mother's mother is experienced much more offensive and painful than the same feelings on the part of the evil stepmother. Nevertheless, since this phenomenon sometimes occurs, it is also possible and necessary to work with it.

Checking the relationship, or everything secret becomes clear

And, as always, you need to start with yourself, with an inventory of your attitudes, thoughts, etc. To begin with, think over everything that is happening again and do not rush to prohibit something or demand something. Think about how your friend's attitude towards you has changed since your sister began to behave in a new way? If you are all right with him, then your sister's actions should not be viewed as a real threat to your relationship.

After all, there are many women in the world, and it is quite possible that someone will want to flirt with your boyfriend more than once, and perhaps with her husband.

A very important point in assessing what is happening for you should be the behavior of your friend and the quality of your relationship with him. Because no one has yet succeeded in protecting their man from all women who want to flirt with him (or even just "take him away"). Scandals and tantrums can only worsen relations, and a ban on communication will cause a man to protest and even more desire to look for entertainment on the side.

In situations like yours, in fact, a lot depends on how much the man values the relationship that he already has, and on what behavior he chooses. But if he really really responds to coquetry in the same way, and to the flirting of another woman with courtship, or even worse - betrayal, then think about whether you need such a relationship?

Now it is very important for you to understand - how does he, in principle, relate to the possibility of flirting and betrayal? What will he choose himself? Because if a man chose you and values your relationship, then the rest of the ladies will only have to sigh sadly and go in search of another object. But if he himself does not know what he needs, and, in principle, is not averse to having fun with other women, too, then the chances of success with a love-lover are much higher. And in this case, it doesn't matter who is flirting with him - his sister, his best friend, a young secretary or a bossy in love ...

In any case, it is very important to find out what kind of person you are dealing with even before the wedding and before the children are born. Naturally, your partner's behavior towards us is largely due to your own behavior towards him, and we will talk about this a little later. But there are also personal characteristics of a person that are in no way connected with the behavior of other people, you need to know about them, and they must be taken into account.

There are men and women who, in principle, are not inclined to remain faithful to their partners, and it is impossible to remake such a person. At the peak of emotions, he may completely belong to his current chosen one, and when emotions decline, he will begin to look around in search of other attractive persons of the opposite sex.

The situation you are talking about, among other things, can be a valuable source of information for you. It often happens that we live in a world of illusions, and our relations with others seem to us joyful and cloudless, while in fact they have not been such for a long time. Apparently, it makes sense for you to consider your relationship with your sister and work on it, because her behavior clearly indicates that it is far from ideal.

Jealousy is a serious reason to understand yourself

In addition, your perception of your friend's behavior is also subject to reflection on your part. You write that he responds to coquetry in the same way - what actions do you regard as coquetry? Would you in any other case, for example, in a situation that has no direct relation to you, would you also assess them like this? Everyone knows that jealousy is a bad counselor, and innocent jokes and goodwill may well be perceived as flirting and a desire to be liked.

Think first of all not about their behavior, but about your reaction to this behavior. The danger of jealousy lies, first of all, in the fact that it can destroy feelings and relationships better than all other emotions. People who often feel jealous are more likely than others to face situations of cheating. If you constantly take offense at your partner, control him, prohibit him from contacts with other people, then sooner or later he will definitely start looking for the company of other people - just in order to get friendly and calm communication. And there it is already not far from a new love. Therefore, if you want to protect yourself from situations of rivalry and from betrayal, first of all, free yourself from the fear that they will cheat on you, prefer another woman to you, or leave you.

Read the section on our website, in which I give practical recommendations for working with negative emotional states and talk about how you can effectively find a way out of a difficult situation when it is not clear how to behave.

If you not only read this section, but also follow the recommendations that are given in it, you will feel much calmer in your soul, and you will be able to objectively assess what is happening in your life, and how your relationships with loved ones are actually developing ... And then you will be able to understand what and how to do next. In any case, you can always contact us for advice.

Good luck, health and well-being!