Psychology of relations between a man and a woman. Healthy and unhealthy relationships: how to distinguish and how to act

Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You,” family psychologist and interpersonal relationship consultant, spoke in more detail about them.

1. Hysteria as emotional blackmail

Hysteria is the most effective way to quickly achieve what you need, so if in childhood parents did not stop the “performances” of their children, then boys and girls “took” this “weapon” into adulthood. It is used if it is not possible to get anything from your other half. In some couples, which, by the way, are not so few, it is the norm when she cries, “faints” or threatens to swallow pills - just to force the man to do what she wants. Manipulation is very effective: rather than admiring such “concerts,” it is easier for a partner to follow the lead and do what is asked of him.

If a man and a woman are satisfied with this, then there is no point in breaking it. But if constant emotional blackmail is exhausting, then the only way to deal with it is not to react to the hysterics of your other “half”.

“Ideally, of course, we need to talk. But if your partner doesn’t hear you and is hysterical, don’t react. Calmly state: “When your hysteria is over, then we’ll talk.” You can even go to another room. Your partner, who behaves like a capricious child, will understand that the tantrum was ineffective, and you need to come up with another way to achieve the goal. While he comes up with ideas, you will have a lull. At this moment you need to tell your partner: “If you want something, let’s talk calmly. If you can’t calmly, I don’t intend to listen to you,” advises Kuznetsova.

2. Who will remember more than the other?

Endless mutual exchanges and pointing out shortcomings do not lead to anything good, but many couples exist in exactly this mode. A man and a woman are constantly waiting for one of them to screw up in order to “stick their nose” and, thus, rise in their own eyes. At some point, there may even be a competition to see who can find more flaws in their partner.

Mutual reproaches of normal people tire, and if one of the partners does not want to live like this, it is necessary to break this form of communication as soon as possible. To do this, the psychologist advises simply not to react to reproaches and... Or simply state: “Everyone thinks to the extent of his depravity,” or: “If you are in a bad mood, then be alone. And when you’re in a good mood, come and talk.”

“Don’t engage in controversy, isolate yourself. And when the moment of respite comes, then calmly, clearly, in the tone of a kind teacher, explain to your “careless student” what he is wrong about. This is the only way the interlocutor will be able to hear you,” summed up the interpersonal relationship consultant.

3. Hints

Also abnormal. You need to learn to directly express your request to your partner and openly discuss problems. Otherwise, hints can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

4. Accusations of bad mood and negative emotions

The situation when one of the partners and emotions is so commonplace that many do not even notice it. Meanwhile, a relationship cannot be called normal if they tell you almost every day: “Because of your stupid jokes, I’m upset,” or: “It’s your fault that I overslept today, and the whole day went awry,” or: “You made me angry because I didn’t take out the trash,” etc.

Constantly blaming another for one's own negative emotions often instills in him. And as a result, in order not to upset the “other half” once again, the “accused party” begins to live with a constant eye on the partner, the whole existence now revolves around the mood of the other person. It is not right.

“If this style of communication runs like a red thread through the relationship, then you are definitely unlucky with your partner. It will not be possible to change it, and in order to live with it, you will always have to dance to its tune. Either - . But this “works” only in the initial stages of a relationship. Then it's useless. This is a conflict,” Kuznetsova warns.

5. Excessive jealousy

Total control on the part of one of the partners is a pathology. There are, of course, couples where the “controlled” person likes a similar situation: “that means he loves me, that means he’s holding on to me.” But in general, checking calls, SMS messages, mail and Internet correspondence is not the norm.

Jealousy in a couple, of course, should exist - as an indicator that - but it should be very dosed. Claims are best expressed in a humorous manner. If, for example, a woman was jealous of her man and openly told him: “Why the hell are you looking at Klavka, why am I worse than her?!”, then she will not look very smart, and besides, she will humiliate herself in her own eyes and in the eyes of her partner .

You need to act more subtly. There are two ways. The first - having noticed the interest of your chosen one in another, you state the fact, and carefully: “Klavka is a good girl, only a little fat,” or: “She seems to be a good girl, but something is unlucky for her. Everyone shies away from her, and.” The method may be harsh, but you will definitely turn your man away from Klavka, because “males” have a highly developed sense of herding.

The second way is to turn the situation into a joke: “Well, why are you looking around when such a woman is next to you. Look, they’ll take you away right from under your nose.”

“In both cases. And not just show, but verbally indicate. Unfortunately, it is normal that our men get used to what is next to them. And on occasion, if there is a reason, it’s worth reminding your loved one how lucky he is to have you. Emphasize that everything can change,” the psychologist advises.

You can do it yourself a little too. But this needs to be done subtly. You shouldn’t tell your partner about how men devour you with their eyes on the street. It’s better like this: “This Vaska is staring at me like that. He knows that I’m your wife.” Or: “Can’t he see that I’m with you?!” Thus, on the one hand, you focus on the fact that other men are interested in you, on the other hand, you do not belittle your partner and show that he is dear to you.

6. Gifts after a quarrel

A fairly well-known joke is when a man comes to a flower shop and asks the saleswoman to make a bouquet of 500 roses. She sighs: “Lord! What have you done?!”

Quite often, representatives of the powerful after a scandal, wanting to make amends,... From the outside, this gesture looks great, and it seems there is nothing wrong with compensating for the moral damage caused to your loved one with a small gift. On the other hand, everything is not so simple. Firstly, gifts do not solve problems in relationships, and if the situation after a quarrel is not cleared up, but is “hushed up” with gifts, then the same conflicts will be repeated again and again. Secondly, with constant “post-scandal presents” you are simply corrupting your “other half”. Pretty soon the lady will deliberately spoil the relationship with her partner in order to receive a reward from him after reconciliation. If you have already noticed that the young lady is , immediately stop the situation.

Helpful information

“If your woman is hysterical out of fatigue and resentment, you will, if you buy flowers, or a cake, or something that your beloved has long wanted as a sign of reconciliation. But this should be a one-time event!” Kuznetsova warns. He emphasizes that conflicts need to be resolved through open dialogue, so you need to talk to your partner.

If you want to suggest your topics regarding interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .

Today, many families are breaking up, which affects both children and adults. Often the cause is unhealthy relationships, which can be recognized and prevented in time.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships: What's the Difference?

Relationships between a man and a woman can not only bring joy, but also become a real nightmare, most often for a woman. Psychologists distinguish two opposing types of relationships: healthy and unhealthy. Naturally, the fundamental difference between them is the feelings of the partners and their interaction with each other. In the case when the relationship is normal, the couple is happy with each other, and quarrels cause a desire to come to a compromise. Unhealthy relationships involve manipulation: roughly speaking, one of the partners finds himself in involuntary submission, deprived of his own personal space, and sometimes choice.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

One of the first signs is mistrust. No matter what efforts are made, the partner does not believe a single word. Lack of trust makes you a perpetual liar in the minds of your loved one. In such conditions there can be no talk of love. Constant surveillance is a direct consequence of the previous sign of an unhealthy relationship, but it also has its own additional meaning. In this way, a person tries to find out absolutely everything about his partner, even literally about his every action. This is done in order to put your partner in a position of submission.

In an unhealthy relationship, the manipulating partner uses extremely effective tactics: he finds a weak spot, a flaw, and influences it at every opportunity. This is how he shows and convinces of weakness and dependence on him. As you know, even the most blatant and baseless lie becomes the truth 101 times over. Inspired by the truth. A symptom associated with such unpleasant tactics is constant accusations. The manipulator never admits his guilt, perhaps even to himself. No matter what the partner does in this case, he will always be to blame for everything.

What to do if the relationship is unhealthy?

Under no circumstances should you think that you can correct a person. This is the biggest mistake. Only by making an independent decision and starting to work on ourselves can each of us correct our character, but the message must come from within, and not from someone else. However, you can try to have a serious conversation, or at least talk about unpleasant sensations. You shouldn’t endure tyranny and hope that everything will go away on its own. It’s better to imagine that this will continue all the time, and think about whether it’s worth delaying the moment.

I believe we have all witnessed premarital relationships that have gone wrong. We have all seen how unwise and unhealthy “dating” has led to difficult, problematic, and even doomed marriages. How can we help people avoid this? What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship between a guy and a girl? Louis Praiolo's book helped me a lot in this matter. She offers a long list of “red flags,” but I want to discuss just the six that I notice most often.

1. Constant doubts. The first “warning signal” is constant doubts that “this relationship is necessary.” There are many reasons why such doubts arise. Some of them are quite reasonable, while others are ridiculous. The difficulty is in distinguishing the important reasons from the stupid ones. Praiolo warns: “The Bible teaches that you, as followers of Jesus Christ, must press forward as long as you can be sure that your next step will not lead to sin” (see Rom. 14:5, 23). We can draw from the Bible a general principle: not to act further without confidence that our action is not sinful. Praiolo writes, “If what you would like to do you cannot do with faith (the biblical equivalent of “confidence”) that it will bring glory to God, then it is best to pause until your conscience is confirmed by God’s Word.” If you have serious, nagging doubts about the wisdom of pursuing a relationship leading to marriage, take the time and effort to resolve those doubts biblically.

2. “Forbidden topics.” Another warning sign indicating an unhealthy relationship is the emergence of “taboo topics.” Are there any topics that you or your girlfriend (your boyfriend) refuse to discuss? Does your girlfriend (your boyfriend) avoid these topics out of fear, anger, or pain? Such “taboos” hide two possible serious problems: “Such a thinking model may indicate either your friend’s inability to biblically solve some internal problems or an underlying strong desire to receive approval from you.” The reason for such “taboos” may also be fear due to a possible negative reaction from the “partner” - emotional and even physical. In any case, in the future, a marriage will not be able to flourish if the couple has taboo topics, because they will be a constant threat to intimacy. Learn to talk with your future life partner on any topic, about everything. And let it worry you if some topics remain taboo.

3. Strengthening the component of physical intimacy. A very serious warning sign in a relationship between a guy and a girl is “progress” in physical intimacy - the kind that is only allowed in marriage. Of course, modern culture considers it normal for young couples to include a physical component to ensure sexual compatibility (it is believed that only in this case can one count on a healthy marriage). But the Bible contains many prohibitions regarding sexual relations outside of marriage, and these prohibitions certainly include prohibitions against premarital sex. Moreover, 1 Thess. 4 condemns fornication so strictly that it calls it, in fact, a form of exploitation of another for one’s own pleasure. Be careful not to insist on “advancement” in physical intimacy and not to allow another to “pressure” you in this matter. Consider this decrease in self-control and loss of interest in sexual purity as a warning sign and a serious reason to seek spiritual help, advice, from others.

4. Strong opposition from family and friends. It is wise to think about your “relationship” if your family members or trusted friends (especially if they are Christians) strongly oppose your “friendship.” The Bible has a lot to say about the importance of listening to the wise counsel of others. Of course, even the wisest can make mistakes, but their opinion is always valuable. Others may see things that you yourself do not notice. They may have the wisdom and insight that you may lack. “With many counselors, wisdom will be revealed... If the objections of others are biblical (should you hold off on getting married - or even abandon the idea - if there are serious biblical objections to it), then take a break from the relationship until you resolve this issue - seriously , based on the Bible. Let Scripture be your guide in all matters of faith and decisions.” Get the opinions of trusted mentors about your premarital relationship and listen to their opinions.

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5. Lack of spiritual harmony. The Bible prohibits Christians from marrying non-believers because spiritual harmony (the most important type of harmony) is only possible when your future husband (wife) is a truly believer. And you must be convinced that your future life partner has been reborn! Also, spiritual harmony largely depends on whether the spouses share important theological truths: the role of husband and wife in the family, ways of Divine leadership, sources of God's revelation (only Scripture or some others). Discuss and clarify your views on infant baptism, church attendance, and church membership. During the period of premarital relationships, nothing is more important than communication, so find the time and opportunity to discuss literally everything. Talk, listen, seek harmony.

6. Inability to resolve conflicts. Another serious warning sign is the inability to resolve conflict situations. This is so important that we would even go so far as to say that the two main characteristics of a successful marriage are unity of faith and the ability to resolve conflicts in a biblical way that pleases God. If these two things are in order, everything else falls into place. “The difference between a good marriage and a bad one is not necessarily the difference between a marriage with little or no conflict and a marriage with much more conflict. The main difference is that in a good marriage, conflicts are resolved quickly, biblically, and with a minimum amount of sin.” Everyone has conflicts, so it is important to learn how to resolve them healthily and correctly. It is also important to understand that conflict in itself is not always bad. Often, conflicts are even necessary because in relationships between human beings with a sinful nature, problems inevitably arise that need to be resolved. A healthy marriage depends largely on whether the couple learns to work through these problems in a constructive way.

Can you define your relationship with your significant other as an unhealthy relationship? Can't tell if it's true love or just infatuation? Here are 11 signs that should immediately alert you and make you think about why your relationship has become unhealthy.

1. There are obstacles to your personal growth.

Healthy relationships are the most fertile ground for your growth and development as a person. At the same time, people who consider it normal for their own happiness, principles and ideals to be sacrificed on the altar of love have definitely chosen the wrong path.

2. You feel like all your life energy has been sucked out of you.

Have you ever heard of energy vampires? Such unsavory individuals literally flourish when they suck the life energy out of other people. If you feel that your partner is depleting your energy reserves, leaving you empty and lost, then such a “fairy tale” is unlikely to have a happy ending.

3. Your partner will never understand that not everything is your fault.

If you're in a relationship with someone who constantly blames you for their own bad moods and problems, if you spend too much time defending yourself and trying to be understood, then a glimmer of hope is unlikely to glimmer in the distance anytime soon. Gradually, you yourself will become the same gloomy and irritable person. Stop looking for meaning in such relationships - in most cases it is meaningless!

4. Conflicts constantly arise and new accusatory arguments are found

Relationships in which there are constantly conflicts, struggles, accusations, and a complete lack of forgiveness and mutual understanding. Agree, the picture is simply terrifying. Remember that it takes two people to argue, and the ugly behavior of one is not an excuse for the same actions of the other. In other words, you should not respond with insult to insult, since every rudeness and unfounded reproach thrown by your partner in your direction (or vice versa) will increasingly drag both of you into the abyss of anger, resentment and disappointment.

5. You (or your partner) hold all the power in the relationship.

Is it true for you to say that your partner has some other power over you besides that caused by love? A sure sign that something is going wrong is your too much dependence on your partner, his power over you, which is much greater than what you have over yourself. Remember: this is possible and normal only if you completely agree with such a balance of power.

6. Everything about you is bad and nothing good.

Unhealthy relationships are always full of negativity; they bring out only the worst character traits in a person. Humiliation, unfair criticism, insults - these are just some examples of abuse of your emotional dependence on your partner. There should never be an excuse for this. No one has the right to treat you this way.

7. You confuse the concepts of “needing” and “loving”

Pay attention to feelings of possessiveness and guilt. They are more characteristic of those people who need someone than of those who love. If the measure of love is what a partner can do for you (or vice versa), then we can hardly talk about trust in a relationship. And if there is no such foundation as trust, then it is likely that serious problems await you ahead!

8. When your partner sees your team losing, he prefers to stay on the sidelines.

Very often, people who think they are in love are actually just infatuated with someone. How to determine this? The surest sign is that in difficult times, your connection with your partner will no longer be so strong, the relationship may crack. Of course, it’s great to be a member of a winning team, but not everyone is tested by difficulties. If a person is just attracted to you and not in love, then he will first of all think about how you can help him, and not about how he can help you.

9. Every day you feel worse and worse

Be wary if the relationship does not help you and does not allow you to become a better person. If you feel uncomfortable, like you don't belong, maybe it's time to make a change! Remember that truly strong, mature relationships are based on accepting your partner for who he is. There is no place in them for condemnation or imposition of opinions on how this or that would be better done.

10. Excessive focus on changing your partner

In unhealthy relationships, there is much more emphasis on changing your partner rather than working on yourself. If there is love and respect between you, then there will be no question of trying to create an ideal soul mate out of your partner. Only you will be responsible for who you are and will never become anyone else's "project".

11. You lose yourself in search of someone else.

Last on our list, but by no means the least important, is that you should not lose yourself in search of your soulmate. Although at times you may think that you need someone immensely, you will always be the one who is most needed!

So, if some of the above signs sound familiar to you, if your relationship is hindering your personal growth, if your time is spent just on emotional survival, then maybe it's time to jump out of the love boat before you realize you're drowning.