In the system of family relations, children can play various roles:

1. "The idol of the family." It is customary in the family to admire any manifestations of the child. The adult who does not do this is condemned by the rest of the relatives. Family life is completely devoted to the child, at first glance. Yet sometimes such universal love is not unselfish. It is possible that this is a reflection of the rivalry of adults. Everyone tries to show who is in charge here, demonstrating this affection and their great contribution to it. Or another reason for such behavior of family members is possible - they are united only by a child. There is no true unity, but the appearance of well-being is maintained by common concern.

Result: in such an atmosphere, the child grows up pampered, capricious, self-centered.

2. "Mom's (daddy's, grandmother's, etc.) treasure." In this case, the child is not a universal, but someone's personal idol. Often this happens if one of the adults is not satisfied with the relationship in the family and pours out his need for love on the child. And he finds himself in a difficult situation: feeling the special attitude of one of his relatives, he just as keenly feels the coldness of the other. "Mama's boy" gets ridicule in the family and among peers. "Grandma's treasure" is often generally perceived as something alien - "Here it is, grandmother's influence!" Sometimes a child is used as an ally in rivalry between adults, provoking him to disobey another, “not loving enough” parent.

Result: the boy cannot master the traditional male role, and the girl cannot master the traditional female role (if she is “daddy’s girl”).

3. "Good boy". Outwardly, a very obedient, well-mannered, exemplary child. In the family, he is expected above all to observe decency. For this they are rewarded and approved. No one cares about the child's true feelings.

Result: hypocrisy is often brought up in this way, a cut is fixed for the rest of his life. There are cases when such children commit illegal acts. Dr. result: the child grows anxious, insecure.

4. Painful. Of course, all children get sick. But it also happens like this: a child who has been ill for a long time has recovered, and someone in the family stubbornly continues to consider him weak, helpless and demands the same attitude from the rest. It is possible that such a position is simply beneficial for this family member - so that others consider him constantly loaded with worries about the child. Or, for example, this is a reason to keep the husband in the family. And sometimes you just don’t want to break the established stereotype of attitude towards the child - it’s more convenient for everyone.

Result: the child may grow up suspicious, passive, avoiding any tension, accustomed to constant self-care.

5. A “terrible child” in the family is perceived only as a source of tension, trouble, and negative emotions. Everyone in the family does nothing but call him to order. It is not known what comes first - the child's disobedience, and then the reaction of adults, or vice versa - he reacts to endless reprimands and punishments with a deterioration in behavior. If there is no effect from “education”, the “terrible child” turns into a “tormentor” in the eyes of the family. In this case, this is sometimes a reason for one of the parents to withdraw: you dismissed him, and you are responsible. An even more acute situation: the imposition of the role of "tormentor" is a way to isolate the child himself from the family. For example, this is a child from the first marriage, and another baby was born in the family. The elder reacts with jealousy, disobedience, and parents use this as an excuse to declare him “terrible” and deprive him of their love. Sometimes a "terrible child" acts as a "scapegoat" for the whole family.

The results of such a distribution of roles: the child can completely lose c.-l. constraints in their actions. Why change for the better if you are still considered terrible. Why blame yourself if you will be punished anyway. Another learns to be cunning, to dodge.

6. "Cinderella" in modern families is less and less common. A trouble-free performer of household duties is made of a child, and all the best, incl. and rewards go to an adult or other child in the family.

Result: the child grows up humiliated, insecure, envious, dependent.

All that has been said about the roles of the child in the family does not at all mean that he is deliberately and maliciously doomed to such roles. Most often, with the exception of the "scapegoat", parents are sure that they want the best for the child. And yet it is obvious that any imposed roles limit the child's opportunities for free development, and often reinforce undesirable traits in him.

The position of the child in the family

More than half of families have a negative impact on the development of a mentally retarded child, and only about 40% of families have a positive impact. At the same time, it should be noted that even in those families where the attitude towards the child is correct, parents in most cases act, guided only by their own understanding of the role of education, without understanding its specifics.

Almost 70% of parents of young children tend to overestimate their abilities, and 25% underestimate them. Only 5% of parents correctly assess the capabilities of their children. Consequently, most of them need the help of specialists in this matter.

The upbringing of the child is mainly carried out by mothers, only in 24% of cases - by the father and mother, and in about 6% of families the child is left to himself.

In families of children with mild forms of mental retardation, approximately 1/3 of the parents are graduates of type VIII correctional schools, i.e. themselves suffer from intellectual insufficiency, albeit in a mild degree. The consequence of this is the problem of further education and employment, material well-being. Parents of mentally retarded children, on average, have the same educational and socioeconomic status, while the average number of children per such family is slightly higher than that of parents of children with normal development. Such families break up more often, and in families that have not broken up, parental functions are often shifted to the grandmother by the mother. Children are often brought up in boarding schools, which destroys not only the child-parent subsystem, but also the child one, since relationships with siblings - brothers and sisters - do not develop. The child feels his loneliness, rejection in the family. Fathers are practically eliminated from education even in those cases when they cannot justify this by being busy at work, since they do not have a job. In such families, there is an increased frequency of repeated births of mentally retarded children. Thus, a differentiated approach is needed to assist these families, including medical genetic counseling and family planning.

Among children with intellectual disabilities, 27% are represented by such categories as orphans, social orphans, foster children, 43% of them live in single-parent families, more than 7% are under guardianship, 62% live in dysfunctional families, 28% - in families of social risk. Most parents of children with intellectual disabilities have primary (14%), secondary (26.3%) and secondary specialized (56.6%) education. Only 0.9% of parents had higher education. In the study by D.V. Zaitsev showed that the majority of parents of mentally retarded children belonged to two professional groups: workers (24.7%) and agricultural workers (31.6%). There were twice as many families raising one child among students in general educational institutions as compared with special ones. At the same time, almost 1/4 of families raising a mentally retarded child have many children. 73.5% of such children live in incomplete families, with stepfathers or adoptive fathers. This position of the child in the family in some cases can determine inadequate methods of education and behavioral disorders.

In 13% of families of mentally retarded children, parents were alcoholics, drug addicts, and delinquents. In these families, there was violence towards each other and their own children.

In 1999, the monthly total income in families of mentally retarded children was 500-1000 rubles (61.4%) and less than 500 (29.2%). Thus, the vast majority of families raising mentally retarded children live below the poverty line.

Characteristic violations of parental behavior in the case of the birth of a sick child are: indulgent overprotection, the style of "phobia of losing a child" or hidden or open alienation associated with the child's mental deprivation. The most severe consequence of overprotection is the lag in the mental development of the child.

Indulgent overprotection may be associated with disbelief in the strength of the child, his capabilities, as well as with the "phobia of losing a child." Hypertrophied fear for the child is transmitted from the mother to the child herself, forming in him "avoidant" behavior and determining the formation of his symbiotic relationship with the mother. In such cases, we are not even talking about the elements of independence in the child.

Emotional rejection most often occurs when a child does not meet the expectations of parents, does not satisfy their social ambitions, which is manifested in an increased level of anxiety in the child, his pedagogical neglect, mental retardation and deviant behavior at an older age.

Insufficient responsiveness of parents is expressed in untimely and insufficient response to the needs of children, neglect of their feelings. They may overreact to abnormal behaviors in the child and overlook positive developments. The unresponsiveness of parents, especially mothers, creates a situation of deprivation and further slows down the development of the child, contributes to the violation of his behavior. Attachment to the mother is a necessary stage of mental development. Using the support of the mother, the child gains self-confidence, becomes active in the knowledge of the world around him. For a child who is lagging behind in mental development, the relevance of such support is obvious.

Specialists should help parents find a style of parenting that is adequate to the child's condition, in which the main focus will be the balance of necessary care and the demands placed on the child at different stages of his development.

The most effective forms of work with violations of parenting styles are: family psychotherapy, group psychotherapy with mothers, work with several parental couples, individual psychotherapy.

Stereotypes of attitude towards a mentally retarded child of parents

The right of people with disabilities to social integration is confirmed by international laws. However, a society that is more inert in nature may hinder the social integration of such people. At the same time, the division of people into full-fledged and inferior is based not so much on objective facts as on negative stereotypes that have long been established in society. The level of development achieved by the child depends on one or another position of the parents. The position of a teacher who is actively involved in the process of educating and educating children with developmental disabilities is influenced by both social stereotypes and professional stereotypes that are formed in the process of studying at a university. There is no doubt that the position of a specialist, his ability to see the problems of the family and change the parental attitude towards the child are of paramount importance for the successful development of a child with special needs.

Special studies have shown a low willingness to interact with a child with developmental disabilities, not only parents, but also teachers. The attention of specialists is often focused on the shortcomings to be corrected, while the significance of other characteristics, especially an emotionally positive attitude towards a child with special needs, is overlooked.

Parents are most concerned about violations of behavior, speech and the dynamics of mental processes. The characteristic appearance of "special" children is much less disturbing to social groups familiar with the problem, namely, parents and senior students-defectologists.

The central component of the stereotype of a mentally retarded child among future teachers is a violation of cognitive activity. Among first-year students, the main element of the stereotype is behavioral disorders.

The social stereotype of the image of a "special" child in people who are little familiar with the problem does not contain such categories of descriptions as disturbances in the dynamics of mental processes and increased sensitivity to the attitude of others. These characteristics are learned either in practical interaction with these children, or in the process of their education.

Parents attach much less importance to violations of the cognitive sphere than teachers. Perhaps this is due to parents getting stuck at earlier stages of crisis experiences caused by the birth of a child with a developmental disability - at the phase of implicit denial, when the fact of deviation is formally recognized, but emotionally rejected. As a result, they do not identify their own child with the group of "special" children as a whole. Such a protective mechanism prevents parents from adequately perceiving the developmental features of their child. Apparently, awareness of the capabilities of their children occurs gradually, and the task of the teacher and psychologist is not to force it, but to facilitate it, using sparing terminology, changing the negative stereotype and convincing parents of the possibility of success. On the whole, the data obtained show, on the one hand, the relative stability of negative stereotypes of attitudes towards the "special" child in the categories examined, and, on the other hand, their certain modification under the influence of vocational education. The latter indicates the importance of emotionally positive interaction with the child and his parents, the need to inspire them with confidence in the possibility of success, support them in case of failures, drawing attention to the positive aspects of the personality of a child with special needs.

In order to create a climate in the family conducive to the development of the child, the specialist should first of all analyze the positions that his parents and close relatives take in relation to the child with disabilities, and only after that choose one or another tactic of communication with them.

It is necessary to eliminate the gaps in the education of teachers, primary school teachers, their low awareness in the field of correctional pedagogy and special psychology. The introduction of special courses with relevant topics into the curriculum of pedagogical educational institutions (both secondary and higher) could change the situation in vocational pedagogical education and in the field of mass education.

Traditional ideas about children with intellectual disabilities have changed significantly in recent years. If earlier he could only evoke sympathy, now he is considered equal. If earlier he was seen as in need of help and caring for the service system, now as independent, but in need of direction and support. Taking into account the modern approach, it is necessary to change the attitude of parents, specialists and the whole society towards a child with disabilities. The Finnish Association of Organizations for Persons with Intellectual Disabilities has suggested doing this based on the following principles.

Every child has opportunities and abilities that need to be discovered, supported and developed.

Every child is a unique individual.

An intellectual disability is a disorder in the realm of understanding. An unsatisfactory environment turns this into a disadvantage, which means that it is a problem of the environment, not the patient.

A child with an intellectual disability grows and matures, his life cycle is the same as that of other people.

A child with an intellectual disability has the opportunity to live a good and varied life. Let's give him that opportunity!

Special psychological problems arise in families with both sick and healthy children. Sometimes parents make clearly excessive demands on healthy children, requiring them to care for the sick and turning him into a "nanny". These parents consider their needs as the highest priority and give their children little time and attention. Sometimes healthy children have to resort to a kind of psychological protection in order to compensate. This may take on the character of maladjustment.

In addition, the psychological situation in the family may worsen when a child with developmental disabilities, along with his main defect, may manifest episodic or rather persistent various complicating mental disorders. The high frequency of these complications, up to 50% and above, and their extremely unfavorable impact on the overall adaptation of both the child and family members, necessitate special attention to them from parents and specialists.

For more successful development of a child, not only a favorable psychological climate in the family is important, which depends on internal adaptation strategies, but also on the success of external adaptation methods, in particular, maintaining active family contacts with friends, colleagues, and the world. It is important that the family does not become isolated in its grief, does not go "into itself", does not feel ashamed of its sick child.

For proper upbringing and the most favorable development of a sick child, adequate adaptation of the family to his condition is very important.

The smaller the child, the more illusions parents manage to keep regarding his further developmental success.

Most parents of young children with mental retardation are primarily concerned about whether he will be able to study in a public school. They begin to teach the child to read, write, count, organize additional classes with a teacher, strive to give the child so much information that he is not able to comprehend. At the same time, much less attention is paid to the formation of social and everyday skills.

Help from a specialist in raising a mentally retarded child in the family

Providing assistance to the family, the specialist gives parents complete information about the characteristics of their child: he indicates his specific positive and negative features, weaknesses and strengths, emphasizing the latter.

Using examples, he convinces the mother that a sick child, paradoxically, is not so much a burden for her as a source of her spiritual growth. Daily communication with him radically changes her worldview, she becomes more humane, wiser, realizing that all people have the right to exist and love, regardless of whether they are similar or unlike others, whether they study or not. This "enlightenment" of the mother is a boon for both - mother and child - and plays a decisive role in the harmonization of family relationships. The child awakens in the mother her creativity. Starting to help her own child, she creatively approaches his upbringing and shares her experience with others.

The specialist reminds parents of the need to maintain physical and mental health. To do this, it is useful to follow some recommendations regarding the general regimen, as well as to own individual methods of autogenic training. The ability to control one's breathing (decrease in breathing) contributes to the regulation of the emotional state, especially in stressful situations.

The specialist explains to parents the importance of maintaining contacts with the social environment, which contributes to the social adaptation of the child. At the same time, you should not inspire the child that he is sick. It is necessary to use all means to raise a child cheerful, active, self-confident. It is useful to praise him in front of strangers, increasing his self-esteem.

It is important to maintain the unity and consistency of all requirements for the child in the family. Coordinated influence, a unified approach help to quickly form his skills and abilities, socially acceptable behavior. Children try to imitate their parents. Therefore, different approaches of parents, especially the rudeness of one of them, cause emotional stress. Reducing the requirements for skills of tidiness, self-service, feasible work in the family, caring for loved ones should be minimal.

Parents should organize a protective regimen that spares and at the same time strengthens the child's nervous system. The regime frees the child and parents from unnecessary efforts. Necessary habits are formed slowly, so they must be worked out long and hard in the conditions of adherence to the regime.

It is important that parents actively and systematically monitor their child's development from birth. This will help in a timely manner to pay attention to those features of the child, about which you should consult with specialists.

It is useful to record in a diary your observations and those techniques that have proven effective. This will help to critically evaluate your attitude towards the child, take into account successes and failures.

It is necessary to teach the child to navigate in the world around him, to communicate with people. It is necessary to acquaint the child with various phenomena of the world around them in their natural conditions. The child must know where and how food is bought, be able to feed others on their own, etc. Objects are learned in different situations: in a drawing, in a book, in the process of drawing, modeling, manual labor.

The kid is encouraged not only to answer questions, but also to draw conclusions, evaluate their own and other people's actions, and tell. In the process of such education, the child develops cognitive activity, attention, thinking, memory, speech, necessary skills and abilities. All activities of children should be accompanied by emotional involvement. In the game with the child, the mother comments on his actions, repeats phrases in several versions, in different types of communicative statements (message, question, motivation, denial).

Thus, the upbringing of a child with intellectual disabilities in the family includes the work of parents in the following main areas:

constant stimulation of mental development, corresponding to the age and individual characteristics of the child;

creation of favorable conditions for education and protective regime;

the formation of emotionally positive, subject-practical and speech interaction of the child with parents.

This will contribute to the social adaptation of the child and prevent the formation of a pathological behavioral stereotype. The criterion for the correct educational approach can be the state of psychophysiological comfort of the child and other family members.

In fact, he turns out to be both the eldest and the youngest child in the family. But his position is the sum of their properties, it is very peculiar. For father and mother, he acts as the only object of their parental feelings, completely taking on both sympathy and (which is also not excluded) hostility. In an only child, parents want to see their continuation, the embodiment of their aspirations. They encourage his cognitive development in every possible way, rejoice in his successes, and this stimulates all new achievements. Wishing to justify the hopes of parents, the only child strives for excellence in all his endeavors. But this is also fraught with a serious psychological problem, since perfection is far from achievable for everyone, and inevitable situations are perceived very painfully.
The problem also lies in the fact that, having become accustomed to his exclusive, "monopoly" position, the only child with difficulty outlives the natural childish egocentrism and often remains infantilely focused on his own person until adulthood. Since he is not accustomed to close contact with other children, he sometimes does not know how to behave in interpersonal relationships. It can be difficult for him to understand the normal changes in the mood of another person, since he is used to considering himself as the only reference point. It is not surprising that only children are often spoiled, capricious, overly demanding.
In raising an only child, parents should take into account these features and try not to cultivate self-centeredness and egocentrism in him. It is important to set sufficiently high, but not excessive demands for a growing person, to help him, to cope with failures. Communication with close adults - father and mother, grandparents - is absolutely necessary for the normal development of the individual, but not enough. It is necessary that a child from an early age gain experience in communicating with peers, otherwise later it will be difficult for him to get along with people.

older child for some time he occupies the position of the only one in the family. Subsequently, when such a privileged position has already become habitual for him, the newborn who appears suddenly distracts the attention of his parents from him. Moreover, parental attention is not even divided in two, but for the most part is addressed to the youngest. If by this time the first-born child is not yet five years old, the appearance of a second child in the family becomes a traumatic experience for him. After five or six years of age, the elder is no longer so dependent on parental participation, many of his interests go beyond relations with his parents. Therefore, his rights are less infringed.
When the second child is of the opposite sex, the negative reaction of the first is not so dramatic, since there is no comparison and rivalry.
If the older child is the same sex as the younger one, then he tries his best to be good in the eyes of his parents so that they continue to love him as before, or at least more than the newborn. Parents unconsciously encourage these efforts, letting the elder understand that he (she) is bigger and smarter than the newborn, although they pay their attention mainly to the baby. Thus, the elder is encouraged to make reasonable and logical statements, productive and expedient actions, and this cannot but affect his entire mental development.
The father and mother also hope that the older child will set a good example for the younger one and take part in caring for him. As a result, the elder usually acquires many parenting qualities: he knows how to be a mentor, is able to take responsibility and fulfill the role of leader.
The older child is usually less prone to games and more to serious activities, to which he treats conscientiously. Due to the habit of relying only on their own strength and going their own way, as well as due to excessive seriousness, older children sometimes have difficulty making friends. They are acutely sensitive to any criticism, which is often regarded as humiliation. But they themselves are too critical and intolerant of other people's mistakes.
Parents need to remember: the appearance of a second child in the family for the first-born is not so much a joyful event as a dramatic one. After all, his own role is changing dramatically, and the demands on him are increasing. Therefore, care must be taken that such a change does not become too abrupt, and the demands - excessive. It is good when the elder helps in raising the younger, but we must not forget that he himself is still small and needs parental care.

Youngest child, like the only one, is spared from mental trauma due to the appearance of a newborn. For the whole family, he is a baby. Moreover, with this feeling, he can live for a very long time, retaining some infantilism even in his mature years. He gets used to expecting only good things from life and therefore turns out to be a great optimist. He is given special attention and forgiven more than others. Parents, unconsciously comparing the capabilities of the older and younger, expect much less from the younger child and therefore put less pressure on him. This is not the best way to affect his cognitive and personal development. Often he lacks self-discipline and faces difficulties in making decisions. Even into adulthood, the youngest child continues to expect others, such as a spouse, to take on the burden of his problems.
In one way or another, the younger one tries all his life to catch up with the older ones, but he can succeed only thanks to his own inclinations, choosing a completely different field of activity and life style. From an early age, he understands that in a collision with a stronger child with aggressiveness you will not achieve anything, and therefore he develops valuable communication skills - the ability to coordinate, negotiate, compromise. Perhaps for this reason, younger children are more popular among their peers, have more friends and know how to get along with people.
Parents approach the birth of a younger child, as a rule, more calmly, since the experience of raising an older child smoothed out many of their fears and anxieties. But this is fraught with a decrease in exactingness, and as a result, insufficient stimulation of the development of the youngest.
In the above descriptions, only some general tendencies are outlined, which do not necessarily have to be fully embodied in this or that child. But they, of course, should be kept in mind in order to avoid possible deformations in development. The most important thing to remember, no matter how many children there are, each of your children is the only one and deserves a unique attitude towards himself as a person.

Husband and wife had a university education, were active, mobile, very erudite and successful people. When Seda was born to them, they were very happy and began to expect "great things" from her. Each stage of its development caused stormy admiration and encouragement. The mother's pride was boundless when, at ten and a half months, the girl began to walk independently. When she was just over a year old, she began to use the toilet on her own.

Both parents were in awe of their wonderful child. The girl felt constant approval of her actions and tried her best to consolidate it. When she was fourteen months old, Paul was born. From the first days of his life, the boy looked more fragile than Seda.

He did not gain the necessary weight, his teeth erupted much later than his sister's. And the father dreamed of a strong, courageous son. He was worried and worried about Paul. Meanwhile, the girl began to understand the situation. Her brother represented for her "a kind of obstacle" on the way to restoring her former position in the family. Of course, she did not think through anything and did not come to anything logically. She felt the situation and reacted at the level of subconscious perception.

She felt her father's disappointment in his sickly son and began to show her abilities even more vigorously. But if Paul achieved even minimal success in anything, then the girl was seized with anxiety. She began to invent something new to strengthen her superiority over her brother. Over time, Sedah acted more and more in accordance with the norms of behavior set by her parents. Gradually, her erroneous opinion turned into the conviction that she should be the first and best in everything. She even found ways to stop her brother from doing things himself. This discouraged the boy, hindered the development of his abilities.

Gradually, Paul began to comprehend the actions of his sister. He began to realize that in some ways he did not live up to the expectations of his parents. He saw the quick wit and quickness of his sister. It made him very angry. He tried a lot, took on some business, but did not count on success at all. Very early the boy fell into despondency and gradually began to give up. He had the erroneous belief that there was no longer any hope of success. When a mother or father said: “Seda at your age did it perfectly! Why can not you?" He felt a wave of despair and almost hated his sister. Instead of trying to do better, he took such remarks as another confirmation that he would still fail.

When such relationships develop in the family, it can be assumed that the brother will no longer be an obstacle to the sister in her desire to "win" the hearts of her parents. Of course, the mother and father reacted to the birth of their son outwardly somewhat differently than to the birth of their first child. They already have some experience. They wanted to see their son the same as their daughter was. But the boy physically developed more slowly. He tried to compete with his sister in overcoming difficulties, but soon lost faith in himself.

Paul's parents showed concern because of his lack of quickness, they studied with him, took pity on him, directed him, made comments. However, the answer to the impatience of the parents was most often the long crying of the son.

When Sada was three years and three months old, Cathy was born. Seda began to realize that she had a rival. But from the experience of having a brother, she saw how helpless a baby can be. She again developed a great activity, helping her mother and helpless sister. As Cathy grew and developed her skills, Sed began to worry. A lot has changed in the family since then. Seda had a younger brother and sister. It seemed to her that any of their luck threatened the stability of her position as the first and best child. She was offended when the younger ones deserved the praise of their parents. But they did not pay attention to the behavior of the girl. And she began to master the ability to pretend to overcome obstacles.

Over time, Paul saw in Katie a smart, capable girl. This only strengthened his conviction of the hopelessness of his position. In addition, he did not perceive himself at all as a boy - a future man. He was now the middle child in the family and, worst of all, he felt like a third wheel. He was neither a smart girl nor a courageous boy. From any failures and difficulties, he wept bitterly. Everyone reproached him for his effeminacy. He retreated further and further, making only timid attempts to join life. He played more with Seda than with Cathy, but he chose the role of a subordinate and allowed his older sister to command him.

Kathy was a smart, charming child. She drew attention to herself. The whole family tried to please her. As she became aware of the environment, she began to understand the requirements of her parents and the distribution of roles in the family. She realized that Seda is the real leader and Paul is the "loser". She also noticed that her sister and brother were often scolded. Sedu for irritability and fickleness, and Paula for carelessness and incessant whining. By the age of two, Cathy made the "discovery" that she was the only happy and contented person in the family. So she found her place in the family.

When Sada was six and a half years old, she began to put on even more airs, since she had to go to school. Now she had the right to consider herself the main assistant to her mother. Jane was born at this time. This child no longer posed another "threat" to Seda, because she already felt quite confident. Nevertheless, she still did her best to keep Jane as a baby as long as possible.

In later years, when her mother asked Seda to help Jane in this or that matter, Seda was very happy about Jane's helplessness. When her mother asked Sada to teach Jane how to lace up her shoes, she became stubborn. Simultaneously, Sedah constantly emphasized to Jane how stupid and helpless she was. Paul didn't really notice Jane. Another girl: just like everyone else. Another sister, Cathy, played most of the time with herself, showing great imagination. She did not participate in quarrels, she was rarely scolded. She did not try to stand out, she did not burden anyone. Jane remained "baby", demanding and receiving attention from every member of the family.

By the time Jane was three years old, the family consisted of energetic, successful parents and four children: Sada, nine and a half years old, a smart, versatile girl with a bright mindset, convinced of her authority as the first and best child in the family; Paul, eight and a half years old, a weak, inert boy without courage, confident that significance can only be found by being a crybaby; Cathy, a six-year-old girl, demanding nothing from either her elders or her juniors, happy, contented, excellent behavior, but not interested in any success. And Jane, three years old, an attractive but stupid "baby". Each family member occupied his position, played his role in the family, had his own ideas about the future life.

Of course, not all families with four children develop in this way. The above example demonstrates the development of only one family. In other families, it may happen that the first child loses confidence, and the second succeeds in surpassing him. For example, the first-born may not be an ordinary girl at all, while the second will be very sweet and will win so much attention that she will outshine her older sister. Everything that happens in the family depends on how parents and each child interpret this or that situation.

Each member of the family behaves depending on their position in the house. At the same time, his behavior is under the sometimes subtle influence of brothers and sisters. However, the actions of one child may be incomprehensible to other children of the same family. The child's behavior is influenced by his own interpretation of the situation. When it is wrong (and it happens very often), it is easy to notice the development of a negative direction in its behavior. If parents see this and realize the danger to the further development of the child's personality, then it is easier for them to correct the situation by leading the child to a correct assessment of their actions. Unfortunately, many parents do not always understand the impending danger in time, taking certain actions of the child for childish pranks.

Ten-year-old George and eight-year-old David took care of the garden during the summer. Their mother would not let them go swimming until they had raked the grass that had been cut in the evening. The garden was divided into two sections. One afternoon, David said, "Mom, I've done my job, and George is playing outside and hasn't touched his yard yet." “Yes, dear, you are always doing well,” Mom replied. “Please find George.” David ran up to his brother. “Mom is calling you! What will happen now! .. I have already cleaned my site, but you haven’t!” In response, George swung and hit his brother with his fist. A fight followed. When they returned home, David began to cry to his mother about George. The mother turned to her eldest son: “Listen, George, why are you such a nasty boy? Why don't you do your job? Why are you so unfair to your little brother? You need to love each other, not fight."

It turned out that tensions between the boys arose shortly after the birth of David. Two-year-old George became completely out of control. He was cocky, openly naughty and caused a lot of trouble. His mother was constantly watching him. And the youngest, David, was an exceptionally obedient child. He quickly responded to maternal love. Mother constantly noted the good character traits of her youngest son. She vaguely guessed that George was jealous of her baby, but she did not take this seriously, since she still devoted a lot of time to George.

However, George saw how little David took his place near his mother, who was immensely delighted with the baby. Then George decided to become "bad" in order to attract the attention of his mother. George constantly found fault with David, who was drawn into quarrels and constantly complained about his brother, trying to seize the location of his parents. Both sons kept mother and father in suspense, each in their own way. Children acted according to their understanding of the situation. Of course, none of them was aware of their false interpretation, and even more so did not give an account of the motivation of their behavior.

There are some peculiarities in families with three children. In such a family, the second child, once determined by the baby and given up this place to the third child, can find himself in an extremely difficult situation. The eldest child and the youngest may unite in alliance against the middle one. Parents need to be aware of these situations, because their middle child may suddenly find that he no longer has the advantage of a toddler, and he will feel weak and deceived. He may get the impression that life and people are unfair. And then he can behave defiantly to justify his desire to be arrogant. If the parents do not intervene in time and do not help the child to change his ideas, then he can be convinced all his life that people are unfair to him and he will never find his place in life.

When the middle child feels more confident than his sisters and brothers, then he can achieve more justice in relation to himself. In a family in which the mother is a role model, her daughter, being the middle child between two boys, most often begins to imitate her mother, trying to become just as perfect. She can use her femininity to assume a dominant position, first in her parental family, and later in her own family. If courage and masculinity are highly valued in the family, then the middle daughter can compete with her brothers, turn into a tomboy and become more of a “boy” than any of them. A similar situation occurs when parents are disappointed by the absence of a son. Their only daughter may try to imitate boyish behavior
to please your parents. But a boy among girls can outshine the sisters and become a "real guy", despite the fact that he is the middle child. However, if the main figure in the family is the mother and the middle son feels the helplessness of the father, then the boy may form an opinion that men in the family do not play a serious role. In another case, he can imitate his mother and, as if in opposition to his father, become a “man”. Another option is also possible, when the son, having united with his father, will seek to weaken the dominant role of the mother.

In a family of four children, the second child and the fourth are often more friendly. Parents can easily see this union. First of all, attention should be paid to the commonality of interests, behavior, and personality traits. Rivalry between children is mainly expressed in differences of interests and characters. There is no single rule by which one can imagine the development of an alliance or rivalry between children. However, the relationship of children is of great importance in family life, is one of the foundations of the family atmosphere.

Depending on family upbringing, the only boy among girls may perceive belonging to the same sex as either an advantage or a disadvantage. It all depends on the importance of the role of men in the parental family and their own assessment of their capabilities. The same can be said about the only girl among the boys.

Among strong, healthy children, a weak or sickly child most often finds for himself the comfortable role of a sick person whom everyone in the family feels sorry for. If good health is revered in the family, and weakness is despised, then such a child faces difficulties. He has a problem of choice: to give up and live in self-pity, with a feeling of restlessness and deprivation of life, or try to overcome the disease, equaling healthy children and trying to surpass them if possible. But if a child has a serious illness, such as a congenital heart disease, then it will be difficult for him to take a place among healthy children on his own. All members of the family must help him in this, so that he can gain a social position.

If a child was born after the death of the first child, then he may face double risk. In the family, the shadow of the first child still roams, while at the same time, the newly born has the position of the firstborn. His parents, having experienced the loss of their first child, may be overprotective of the baby. In the future, the child may enjoy this suffocating atmosphere or "rebel" and strive for his independence.

A child has a special place in every family. Very soon, due to his helplessness, he discovers that he has many "servants", that he occupies a privileged position, that all members of the family are fussing around him. The role of a helpless creature for a baby can become very attractive. Gradually he can get used to only receiving. This role is very dangerous.

The only child in the family is in the most difficult situation. He lives in the world of adults, he has no siblings with whom he could communicate in accordance with his age. Most often, he absorbs the views of adults, delving into everything, trying to reach their level, or hopelessly remains "eternal"
child, obeying the will of others. In such cases, his relationship with the children is strained and uncertain. He hardly finds a common language with them. Such a child will never develop a sense of belonging to children if he is not involved in common group activities with them at an early age.

There are no "ideal" families in terms of their quantitative composition. No matter how many children there are, specific problems will always remain. They vary depending on the number of family members, their position in it, their mutual influence and the relationship between them. All children influence each other and their parents. Each child shows a certain activity, as was, for example, shown in the case of George and David. George saw the current situation in the fact that little David completely won the love and attention of their mother. Therefore, to be obedient seemed useless to him.

George started misbehaving to get his mother's attention back. And she constantly reacted to this behavior of his and thereby encouraged him. And David, in turn, kept his place, remaining obedient, provoking George to be “bad. Parents encouraged such relationships, scolding the "bad" and protecting the "good boy", thereby setting the children against each other. Parents, of course, did this unconsciously, without thinking about the consequences.

Consequently, there is an innumerable variety of reactions that the child exhibits in relation to his environment. There is no single rule that would be acceptable to guide all parents. However, those parents who study the problems that arise in the family have information. Getting acquainted with the research of educational and developmental psychology, they are able to explain much of what previously seemed mysterious. Close observation of your children can also provide the most unexpected insights into the problem. And when the situation is comprehended, difficulties are overcome much more easily.

Legal relations in the family

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4. Legal status of the child in the family

Along with parental rights and responsibilities, there are also rights and responsibilities of children.

Family law proceeds from the fundamental principle that the legal status of a child in a family is determined from the point of view of the interests of the child (and not the rights and obligations of parents) and includes the following basic rights of the child:

The right to live and be brought up in a family; know your parents (as far as possible);

· The right to be cared for and brought up by one's parents (and in their absence, by other persons responsible for this);

· The right to ensure their interests, comprehensive development and respect for human dignity;

· The right to communicate with their parents (regardless of whether they live together or not) and other relatives;

· The right to protect their rights and interests;

· The right to receive maintenance;

· Ownership of his property.

At the same time, children and parents do not have ownership of each other's property. However, if parents and children live together, they have the right to own and use each other's property by mutual agreement, building their relationship on trust, conforming them to the way of life in this family. After the death of their parents, children are heirs of their property by law, as well as parents in the event of the death of their children.

The disposal of property belonging to children is carried out both by the children themselves (depending on their age) and by their parents in accordance with the rules established by civil law.

The law does not directly establish any obligations of minor children themselves. But this does not mean that children can receive everything from their parents, while they themselves do not take any part in the life of the family. Such behavior does not correspond to moral, moral ideas. Children should, to the best of their ability, help with household chores, look after their younger brothers and sisters, care for and help all family members, especially the elderly, etc. children must fulfill all the requirements that parents impose on them in their own interests (study well, observe the order established in the family, etc.). At the same time, children have the right to express their opinion when resolving any issue in the family that affects their interests, and they also have the right to independently apply for the protection of their interests to the guardianship and guardianship authorities, and upon reaching 14 years of age - to the court.

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