Islamic Trust Line: "My father destroyed our family. What should I do?" Dad, don't hit mom! Children share their experiences of domestic violence
I am 27 years old, I am not married and live with my parents. I am contacting you because of a problem between my parents. My father is a very cruel person and behaves very cruel to my mother. Tonight, for example, I came home and saw that my mother was beaten, and my father was sleeping drunk. My heart is crying in pain. Tell me what can I do?
Honoring parents includes both caring for them and a responsibility to protect them.
Mother hits the child: what to do?
You are faced with a situation: the mother beats the child. Perhaps this is your neighbor or colleague, or maybe a relative. Or you saw this right on the street. What to do? You can turn away and walk by, not notice and forget. You can ignore this behavior of a woman for years. So many do. But maybe it's worth doing something, because, as you know, there are no other people's children and other people's destinies? If you have a desire to take action, that is commendable and good - perhaps you can really help the child.
My father beats me: what should a girl do?
Domestic violence is quite common. Many children suffer from either the mother's cruelty or. Moreover, this cruelty is most often the result of alcoholism or drug addiction. But there are times when parents are trying to re-educate their child in this way.
It is not only boys who suffer from domestic violence; it is from girls aged 14 and over that you can often hear the phrase: “I am beaten, what should I do?”.
Can you hit your father to protect your mother?
If he hits a mother or children because of an angry disposition or because of drunkenness, is it possible to equate him with a sinner father and hit to protect himself or the mother? AND.
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Father beats mother
Agree with Sivs, just talk to Mom. Perhaps she wants to save a failed marriage so that you have a father. Explain to her why such a "daddy" is better than none. Support your mom during a difficult period of her life. And one more difficult moment - domestic violence is a very dangerous thing. If your father crosses the line, call the police. Do not think that you will betray by this. Perhaps later he will be grateful to you when he comes to his senses and realizes that you have prevented the tragedy.
I felt sorry for her, and I am sorry now.
Father hits, humiliates and insults
Nina, I sincerely sympathize with you and your position! It is terrible to live your whole life under the pressure of the one you described. It hurts, offensive, scary, unbearable. It is difficult to list all the emotions that you probably experience. And I am not indifferent to what happens to you! I want you to know - NO ONE has the right to treat you the way yours does. And he also has no right to it! What he does is a crime.
Father is selfish, beats mother
A family. father - 50 years old; mother is 2 years older; two sons: I'm 22, my brother is 28. my older brother is working, my mother has not been working for 7 years, because my father forced
her to leave the job (the best job for him), + always tells her to go to work as a cleaner. My father only finished school and has been working as a driver all his life;
My father was always soft-hearted, all his life he wants to show himself to people as kind, and he often gives up his business to help someone else.
The child beats mom. What to do?
Friends, I absolutely do not know what to do. In general, we have such a difficult situation - my child beats his mother, that is, me. Where did we get this, I can't put my mind to it.
Nobody fights at home, nobody beats their daughter. But she, as soon as she gets a refusal or when I do not allow her to do something for objective reasons (dangerous, for example), she immediately starts to beat me. She does not react to conversations that doing this is not good or that it hurts her mother.
Here's a situation, for example.
Originally from childhood OR Why You Can't Beat Children
The Kiselev family was considered exemplary, they were even shown on TV. Still - the family, though large, and the parents took care of each child, sparing no time, no money, no effort. Children were involved in different circles and in many ways achieved unprecedented success, took first places in competitions.
The parents of Rita, Sasha and Kirill devoted their entire lives to children. They economized on their needs so that the children did not need anything.
Dream interpretation Father
Father, Father sick, Father beats, girls, Father of a friend, alive, angry, Father and mother, boyfriend, crying, deceased, Drunk father, child, Father died, Father deceased, dying, Revived, Naked father, Alien father, Deceased gives money, dead father alive, dead call
It is not uncommon for the mother to be abused, not the child. And this is no less a problem for each such family and society as a whole. Participants of the Road to Home charity program and our partners - specialists from the center for helping families and children - took part in a round table meeting on combating domestic violence and promoting a law against violence in Vologda. This problem in Russia is extremely acute: every year 6 thousand women (according to other sources even 19 thousand!) Are killed by their husbands or cohabitants. In family. What can we say about the beatings ... Children often witness these terrible scenes.
The growing feeling of tension translates into unbearable suffering for the child and mental pain, - says Irina KALININA, psychologist of the "Step Towards" project of the "Road to Home" charity program... - This effect is comparable to a time bomb, especially when violence is hidden from others at all costs - and this is more often the case.
Along with the color of eyes, hair and body type inherited from parents, the child brings into his future adult life from his mother an inability to resist pressure, a kind of "fatal" obedience, and from his father - aggression as a way to solve emerging difficulties, rejecting at the root all the principles of humanity. And this even though the child himself was not beaten.
There are signs by which you can tell that a child is a witness to domestic violence. These are pronounced difficulties in communicating with peers; elements of cruelty in games or, conversely, the inability to declare oneself; inability to express their emotions, "lost" look, "fading" voice, in extreme cases - outbursts of auto-aggression (ie causing physical suffering to oneself - pulling out hair, hitting the head, etc.). Figuratively speaking, a child - a regular witness to domestic cruelty and violence - can be compared with a small animal in a cage (“I saw something terrible, I'm afraid I couldn't say it”).
In other words, children who witness violence in parental relationships often have the same problems as children who are abused. Who can protect them, stop the chaos? As shown by the role-playing game conducted among the participants of the round table, the woman who is being beaten turns out to be completely defenseless: she does not dare to tell her inner circle because of false shame; speaking about the claims of her husband, he hears in response: "But you try, do as he wants, as he loves, and everything will be fine"; a kindergarten teacher and psychologist, noticing alarming changes in her son's behavior and health, explain to the mother that she needs to “pay more attention to the boy,” without trying to understand how she feels, whether she has the resources to pay attention to this; even a statement to the police does not become a solution to the problem: the husband calls a lawyer - and the woman turns out to be slandered ... New instances, new "officials" - and the result is zero: the lawyer and her husband easily convince everyone that the woman herself is to blame - they say, she is trying to take the child away from her husband , that's cheating, it takes time.
And - new beatings, each time more severe.
I felt guilty about everything, ”a roundtable participant who played the role of a beaten wife told about her perception of the situation. - There was a feeling of complete impasse, because from any actions, appeals to somewhere it only got worse. I even forgot that I have a child!
Can a woman protect herself?
If a woman is beaten or struck by her husband, she has the right to go to the police, says Tatyana LANEVICH, head of the department of district police and juvenile commissioners of the Russian MIA Administration for the city of Cherepovets. - She will receive a statement, an explanation will be taken, she will receive a referral for a forensic examination (since only a forensic expert can determine the harm to health, and the qualification of the crime depends on this). Then we interview witnesses, take the explanation of the husband or roommate. After that, the victim's statement is sent according to the jurisdiction - to the bodies of preliminary investigation and inquiry or to the magistrate's court. If the materials are sent to the magistrate's court, the woman will have to go there, write a statement - now to the court - and the case will be considered. Unfortunately, it often happens like this: today a woman is offended - not tomorrow. For five months of this year, we have sent 977 materials on the facts of domestic violence to the magistrate's court. But only 33 sentences were passed - and that, as a rule, is a reconciliation of the parties. In other cases, people did not come at all for repeated treatment.
As you can see, in order to bring her husband to justice, a woman, according to the law, must take many steps, spend time and effort. And they simply do not exist: women, unfortunately, often endure for a long time, they hope that “everything will work out,” it will stop by itself. But practice shows that, having struck once, a man does not stop, on the contrary. And the victim begins to feel completely helpless, unable to resist the aggressor, she can no longer fight. Even if she has enough strength to take the first step - to write a statement to the police - then she may be afraid that it will only get worse; her husband can intimidate her and force (or persuade - rapists can be very convincing) to withdraw the application. And the home nightmare will continue ...
Meanwhile, it is generally accepted in society: a woman is largely to blame herself, for example: why does she not leave her husband-despot? Why stay with him, not sparing children? So at the seminar, one of the participants, mixing the role of a real person, very sharply declared to the heroine: “I had to grab the child and immediately go to the shelter!”.
What to do? The organizers of the round table consider: a law against domestic violence is needed, changes in other relevant laws - the Criminal Code, the Administrative Code, the law on the police ... all the work on the evidence base, on their own defense falls on the victim of domestic violence. She must not only write a statement against her husband, but also go through several instances before the case comes to court. Of the World Court. And judges very often suggest the parties ... just make peace. Without any consequences for the despot, despite the proven facts of beatings.
And this must not be allowed! There should be no reconciliation of the parties, without working with specialists, because domestic violence will continue, - based on a variety of such facts, says Natalia Khodyreva, Ph.D., director of the Crisis Center for Women in St. Petersburg.
How can a woman be helped in a situation of domestic violence? What is being done for this in our city?
Elena KANEVSKAYA, Head of the Department for Family, Women and Children Affairs of the Committee for Social Protection of the Population of Cherepovets:
A crisis department for women operates in the center for helping families and children in Cherepovets. The victims of violence will be assisted there by a psychologist, a lawyer; there is a club "You are not alone", where women communicate, share their experience in resolving conflicts, a specialist helps them in this. If necessary, a woman with a child is sent to a special shelter, where she can hide from her husband for some time. A contract is concluded with her for a period of up to three months, if necessary, it can be extended. But it is important that the woman herself take steps to improve the life situation for herself and the child, specialists help her in this.
Galina MITINA, head of the project "Public reception for the rights of the child" of the charity program "The Way Home":
Half of all appeals to us at the reception are about violations of children's rights in the family. In turn, more than half of them are associated with violence, both physical and psychological, more often from men. And when you start talking to a woman, you see: violence, often beatings, she herself endures, cannot resist. She's just scared! Then a psychologist starts working with her: she supports, helps to defuse feelings, calm down. And after such work, changes often occur in the family: the rapist is lost - why did the victim cease to be afraid?
Then the lawyers of the project take up the case: they help to write a statement to the police, to the magistrate's court, to track the timing of the consideration of the case (this, by the way, is very difficult!). If there is an opportunity to start living separately from the tyrant, this is the best option: the traumatic situation disappears, the woman may even meet another partner and start a new life. Sometimes (but very rarely) it is possible to help resolve the issue with the apartment. But on the whole, the problem of domestic violence against women is extremely complex and very difficult to solve.
... The situation that was played out at the round table in Vologda was taken from life. Its end is terrible: finding no real help anywhere, the woman threw herself out of the window. Together with a little son.
Irina ROMINA
Hello. I will describe the problem initially. I am a girl of 14 years old. I live with my mom and dad. The father often spreads his hands, allows him to beat everyone until he loses consciousness. For example, he can hit with a strap for being late (to school, home), for food (eating on schedule), for sleeping (you can't sleep during the day, in the evening, too, you can't go to bed early, and also too late), for walking, for closing doors , for the fact that at night you want to go to the toilet. Constant insults for not eating, not doing something perfect. For all requests that he does not beat me, the whole family gets. My father often beats me. For example, not so long ago, all over my back I had blue stripes from jumping for the fact that I closed the door of my room, and sat watching movies. The father forbids to dress properly and take care of oneself in any way. For a small misdemeanor he hits his stomach with his hands. As a child (6 years old), he beat him in the stomach to such a state that it was impossible to breathe. Right now he stopped doing that, but he has a habit of hitting with a belt. At the age of 5, he almost strangled me. For the fact that I touched the photos and lost some of them. There is nothing good in my childhood to this day. Living to go home completely repulsed. In the morning, leaving the house, they yell at me, threatening with a belt. The father beats the mother. Mom endures everything. At my request that she divorced him, my mother is silent. Father is a hunter. Often arriving from hunting, he broadcasts the animals that have not been finished off home. And he asks me to finish off and butcher them. I can’t do it, I pay I feel sorry for them, telling him about this, I hear in my address obscenities and threats. Soon they hit me. During the holidays, my dad doesn't miss a moment to yell at me. For example, he can kick out from the table so that I would watch someone else's child or say that I would go to my room and sit. Humiliates in front of friends. I am also very much annoyed by his habit of walking at home in his underpants with guests, etc. and he himself makes everyone walk like that at home. For the fact that I put the plates in the sink, and not immediately wash them, they are thrown at my head. And they write insults with a pen on their forehead, making them walk like this all day, and God forbid I erase it .. My father is a real tyrant. What to do? I cannot live with a man who beats me, my mother and my sister. Till blood. I don't want to go home anymore. And at every opportunity I do not go. For all my pleas that he would take the righteous path, I hear threats and insults. And then, by will, not by will, you think about suicide ... Help, he is very angry. And his insult does not end to this day.
Hello Nina! You are in a difficult and difficult situation - there is violence around you, physical, emotional, psychological. There are doubts about the mental health of the father, the mother takes a dependent position and cannot protect herself or her children. You should seek help (violence is NOT the norm, do not allow yourself to perceive the victim's position as normal - it is not). You are also a dependent child, for whom it is important that there is an adult nearby who can protect him - you do not have one! BUT - You can become such an adult for yourself, you will learn, you can go to work, study by correspondence and pull yourself out of this circle of violence. You can do everything, it will be hard for you, but you can live. There are helplines, you can call and find out how it would be better for you to resolve this situation, where you can turn to in order to protect yourself from beatings. Talk to a psychologist at school (he needs to know this chain of help, through different social services, in order to do something). It's okay to defend yourself from a rapist - that is protection. Get help.
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 4 Bad answer 3Nina, I sincerely sympathize with you and your position! It's terrible to live your whole life under the pressure of the father you described. It hurts, offensive, scary, unbearable ... It is difficult to list all those emotions that you probably are experiencing! .. And I am not indifferent to what is happening to you! I want you to know - NO ONE has the right to treat you the way your father does. And he also has no right to it! What he does is a crime. Whatever you do ...
Frankly, I admire your courage, Nina! The fact that you have written about what is happening in the family here is a big step! And I want to believe that very soon you will take the next step, which will actually stop the violence against you!
4) If you need help urgently (for example, your father will start beating you or someone from your family again) - you can always call the police and insist that you are not left alone with him! In this case, the assistance will be organized by the police.
5) It is important for me that you understand: since your mother did nothing for many years and did not protect you, it is very unlikely that she will be your ally in this matter. That is why I wrote that it is better to find at least one adult who can help you. An adult who knows you and can connect to help you! But even if you don’t find this, remember, a psychologist at the helpline or a school can become one.
Nina, if you do not dare to ask for real help, no one can help you or your sister. I know it’s really difficult to take such a step, but nothing will change if you don’t! Moreover, it looks like you are the only person who can help your sister-in-law to escape this violence as soon as possible, because she, like you, cannot count on her mother.
Nina, I would like you to think about what I wrote and find the strength to at least call the Helpline! And I sincerely wish you to find support in the person of a counselor and take the next step towards liberation from violence in your family!
And remember - I am always open to any of your questions, Nina! And sincerely I wish you good luck and early changes in your family.
Karamyan Karina Rubenovna, psychologist, psychotherapist, Moscow
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0Hello! Please tell me what to do, dad is beating mom. I do not know what to do. He wants to kill her. Mom cannot divorce him, she is afraid that he will take revenge on her. We have already contacted the police many times. They don't do anything. Mom went to hospitals many times. I'm already on my nerves. Little brother too. It takes 2 weeks since he beat her and repeats. Mom has left home many times. When he came he beat her again. He beats him in front of our eyes, until he loses consciousness. Sometimes she even hits us when she is not there, takes out her anger and says what kind of mom she is.
Psychologists' Answers
Hello Christina, I have read your letter with great attention. Mom needs to make a final decision, because such kindness and inaction on her part can lead to even more sad events than just beating. In this situation, not only mom suffers, but also you and your brother, and for you this is a very strong psychological trauma that can affect your future life. The police do nothing, most likely because the mother first turns to her for help, and then, apparently out of pity again, withdraws her statement and they let him go. Therefore, the next time they do not want to mess with mom and her relationship with her husband, knowing in advance that she might again change her mind to punish him. It's not about dad, with his violent character, it's about mom herself, who allows herself to be treated like that. She should have a sense of dignity and responsibility for her two children, whom she exposes with her constant forgiveness and returning to her husband at great risk (sometimes she even hits us when she is not) and enormous psychological trauma. Mom needs to make a decision, then your father will not be so scary for you. Try to convey this to her, tell her about your fears and unwillingness to live like this.
Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Almaty
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1Hello Christina!
Such aggression and cruelty of your father is very frightening and alarming! And it is not clear that your mother is inactive, she does not protect herself and you! I recommend that you talk to your mother and decide to make an examination of the beatings, invite relatives and neighbors to confirm the fact of violence and contact the child protection and protection authorities - they will definitely help you.
Rudometova Olga Vladimirovna, psychologist in Almaty
Good answer 7 Bad answer 2Hello Christina. If the mother does not have enough strength and energy to resist, she does not see a way out, then she should contact a crisis center, for example, "Girlfriend". Their website is www.podrugi-centre.kz. There they will help her, provide support, both psychological and legal. And you should visit a psychologist to sort out your feelings, find your psychological resource. All the best. Strength and luck.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 2 
Hello Christina!
Your mother has fallen into the trap of the position of an eternal victim, and so far she does not want to get out of there. But the hopelessness of the situation only seems to her. In fact, there are many ways to protect yourself from an aggressor. And the first of them is to get away from the aggressor. As long as your mom thinks that she has no ways to protect herself from her husband, she will not see them. They are. You just need to take responsibility for your life and health, and look for them. And I sincerely sympathize with you and your brother. Since I’m afraid you don’t have to rely on your mom, look for ways to protect yourself from the aggressor. Paternal aggression destroys you and your brother, look for a way to protect yourself, contact public organizations, school, education departments. On television, in the newspapers, after all. Society can and should protect you in legal ways.
All the best, Elena Borisovna Galochkina, psychologist of Almaty
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0Dysfunctional children grow up in dysfunctional families. It is believed that the home is a place where people love without any conditions, where they never do harm. And in life, very often it turns out the other way around. The house turns into a place where the closest ones become enemies - dad beats mom, parents are aggressive and the child is defenseless.
Children in such families dream of only one thing - to grow up as soon as possible, to become strong, not to depend on their parents. And one fine day - fight back or run away, never returning. In order to never again give themselves offense and finally find the peace of mind that they were once deprived of in childhood.
How can a child fully develop where swearing is poured out? How can you think about homework if your heart is constantly pounding with fear? The brain is busy with something else - how to protect yourself this evening. These children have to grow up too early. And, as Yuri Burlan shows at the training "System-Vector Psychology", they are always inferior adults. After all, their psyche is not given the conditions and time to mature and get stronger.
Mom, protect me
It is naive to think that not seeing dad beat mom, the child does not get hurt. He feels everything, understands what is happening.
The fact is that the child receives its protection from the mother. She, like a dome, shelters herself from all the storms and hardships of the outside world, creating conditions for favorable development. Until the age of six, the child is connected to the mother by an invisible umbilical cord. The mental state of the mother directly affects the state of the child.
But what if dad hits mom? The training "System-vector psychology" reveals the process of the influence of such relationships in the family on the formation of the child's personality. Any violation in the child's behavior primarily depends on how the mother feels.
If, due to objective reasons, she is subjected to worries about tomorrow, does not receive support from her husband, loses inner peace, the child loses it with her. The mother shakes - shakes the baby too. The child begins to hysteria, behave inappropriately, aggressively, and annoy with his behavior.
Severe stress breaks the child's psyche
Moderate pressure is necessary for a child's development, but overstress inhibits psychosexual development. A plucked green cherry will never become ripe and sweet again. So it is with the psyche of the child. Each person is born with undeveloped properties and in the process of development grows to a certain level.
If the mother has lost the feeling of security and safety, then the child does not have it either. And if a stage in development is missed, then it is no longer restored.
When a child experiences over-stress, the psyche tries to preserve itself, reducing contact with the outside world. After all, the outside world brings too much pain. Constant quarrels, outbursts of anger, trouble, fights. Too rude, too unfair. And everyone is saved, as best he can, by virtue of his psychic properties, given by nature.
It is important to understand that the child's psyche will react to external stress according to innate properties. By the definition of system-vector psychology - vectors.
Dad, don't hit mom
A child with a sound vector can choose to escape "into himself," immerse himself in his own world. Move away, abstract from what is happening. Convince yourself that all this is not happening to him, observe what is happening, like an inanimate picture in a computer game.
A child with a visual vector may lose vision, protecting his main sensor from the terror around him. And instead of raising feelings in a child, callousness appears, emotional sensitivity is lost.
If dad beat mom, the girl's subconscious may remain wary of men for the rest of her life. Next to a man, she will lose peace of mind, and not acquire it. This can negatively affect her relationship with a man. The feeling of hopelessness, when the child does not find the strength to resist violence next to him, disrupts the natural development of the child's psyche into an adult.
Instead of doctors, educators, scientists and other socially successful people, we raise rapists, prostitutes, and thieves. Unhappy unfulfilled lives. This is what we produce when a child loses a sense of security and safety.
Warm me with a kind word
The child subconsciously, like a hunted mouse, seeks to find those who will protect him, will be his family. His new family can be criminal teenage gangs, where people like him, angry at injustice, try to become a support for each other, to resist the hostility that they had to face.
But it also happens in another way. A positive scenario in a child's life is possible. A kind look, a few phrases with understanding, sincerity, timely and necessary words for him - this is invaluable support.
Likewise, a good book that teaches compassion is a window through which a child sees the other world. A world where love lives.
Confidence in the future
Even in the most challenging conditions, you have the opportunity to provide a sense of security for your child. Even if you cannot solve all family problems right now, your child needs a mother who knows what he needs and is able to give it. And even if you thought that a fight or swearing behind the wall would not harm the baby, now you know that this opinion is wrong.
In other articles of this project (MV Svetlana Kim Viktoria Semibratskaya Violence in Society Introduction) you can find answers to the question - which dad beats mom and why. And in this article we would like to convey to you the idea: the future of the child depends only on you. After all, there is no worse punishment for a mother than to see that her child is sick or deeply unhappy.
To become a support for your child and give him the opportunity to grow up happy - find out who is growing up next to you. Basic safety rules can work miracles.
Begin to understand the cause and effect of what is happening. Even this understanding alone will give you new tools for building personal happiness and the future of your children. Take the first step - right now, register for the free online training by Yuri Burlan "System-vector psychology" at the link.
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan's online trainings "System-Vector Psychology"