How not to spoil the relationship with the mother-in-law. Speak up, you are being heard! Or we establish a bad relationship with the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law should not take part in the upbringing of children.

13.06.2019

Unfortunately, often the people closest to a man become almost enemies. “Your mommy…”, “Tell your dearest wife…” An exchange of barbs and an incessant stream of criticism against each other can infuriate even a hyperphlegmatic person! Two women really can't agree? At least for the sake of a beloved man? And if not, then maybe it’s better not to communicate at all than to fight?

Here is a carousel

Not all mothers-in-law are bad, just like not all daughters-in-law of the goody victim. But still. No matter what the mother-in-laws say in their defense, but at the very beginning, almost any bride tries to please the groom's relatives. She is in love and sincerely wants to love everything that is dear to her man. However, it is at this stage that she may face coldness or complete rejection from her mother-in-law. Like any outcast, the girl harbors a grudge and in the future, through this prism, she perceives all the actions and words of her husband's mother.

The mother-in-law can also be understood. Not everyone is immediately ready to "entrust their boy to some young girl." But sooner or later she can thaw and change her attitude. But these positive changes go unnoticed by the daughter-in-law. And then the mother-in-law already feels misunderstood and offended.

This paradoxical situation can repeat itself in endless cycles. Therefore, it is important to choose the right moment - and break the vicious circle. Ideally, of course, both sides should strive for this. What to do for this? We will prompt daughters-in-law - as younger and more flexible. And we hope that the mothers-in-law - as more mature and wise - will meet them halfway.

✓ Be more honest with your mother-in-law and talk more about your feelings. For example, you can complain: “You eat almost nothing of what I cook. It worries me. Try it!”

✓ Show your mother-in-law a little attention. Compliments and small gifts leave no one indifferent. Do not forget that the mother-in-law is primarily a woman!

✓ Quote mother-in-law to demonstrate his agreement with her on a number of issues: "You once noticed exactly ..."

✓ Try to show your irritation as little as possible. Replace it with an expression of surprise. This is a more diplomatic form of disagreement, which is harder to find fault with and almost impossible to take offense at.

The endless advice of the mother-in-law is perhaps the main cause of conflicts. It's certainly hard to keep your composure when you're strongly advised to use gauze diapers for your baby. But the main law of diplomacy says: smile, nod and - do as you see fit. As soon as you begin to express doubts or give arguments, you immediately become the instigator of a quarrel in the eyes of your mother-in-law. And she gladly takes the position of the injured party: “I want the best ...”

■ Among the advice of the mother-in-law, choose those that you can follow with the least loss. If you follow two of the ten recommendations, it will be difficult to accuse you of disloyalty.

■ When she is unhappy with something and gives abstract advice, ask her to be specific. “The child must be potty trained!” “Yes, I have tried everything! Tell me how to do it? .. "

■ When defending your point of view, do not refer to the experience of your parents. Appeal to the opinion of the husband and his other relatives.

■ Think about what actions your mother-in-law most often criticizes. And, when you are going to do it in her presence, ask your husband to replace you.

For example, if she doesn't like how you dress your child, let him do it. Only at this time, do not sit idle - vacuum cleaner, shake, wash dishes.

Tactical Advantage: Husband

Every mother wants attention from her children. Therefore, do not impose a guilt complex on your husband because he is “going to see mommy again.” On the contrary, help him distribute the time so that everyone is happy. In addition, if the mother-in-law decides that you are jealous, then she can use this weakness against you.

✓ Suggest husband to plan his visits to his mother in advance and discuss with you the forms and extent of assistance to her. The mother-in-law will be pleased with such care, and you will be calmer.

✓ Remind husband to call his mother more often. Thanks to small but regular portions of attention, she will not accumulate resentment, and the man will not feel guilty towards her. Also, the mother-in-law will have fewer reasons to say that her son has completely abandoned her.

✓ Combine useful with pleasant. For example, bring her children for the weekend or send them to the sea together. Surely she will like it, and you can relax.

✓ If it seems to you that a mother demands too much attention from her son, try take a look to it on the other side. This is free time for you!

✓ Sometimes come by To her one to bring food, some things or just visit. Let these visits be short, but they will help you take one more step towards your mother-in-law.

Summing up

No matter how difficult your relationship with your mother-in-law is, do not forget that it was she who raised your beloved man. And to one degree or another, he worries about the fact that you are in conflict. Maybe you should be a little more tolerant of his mother's grumblings and remarks? Ignore them in the end. And yet think about it, suddenly there is a rational grain in her words? We all do not like it when they climb to us with unsolicited advice, and we reject them, even if they are reasonable.

Well, if she doesn’t accept your attempts to get closer and you don’t have the strength to endure her attitude, isn’t it better to keep communication to a minimum? Why spoil both yourself and her nerves and health! Let her meet with her son, grandchildren, and at this time you will find something to do. Just don't do it defiantly - no need to exacerbate. It is amazing, but true: often the “offended” daughter-in-law, becoming a mother-in-law, behaves in exactly the same way, as if she wants to recoup her son’s wife for all her grievances. You won't be like that, will you?

September 23 was Lesha's mother's birthday. It is no coincidence that the article was born right now. And just like that. Natalya Alekseevna, this is for you :)
It's no secret that almost every girl, getting married, is faced with a not very happy face of the groom's mother. Usually, the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law quickly turns into a strained one. And this push-pull begins:

"Go and tell your mom....",
"I don't want to talk to your mom"
"She's not my mother..."
"Let your mom buy us a refrigerator"
"I can't stand your mom in our house anymore!"
etc.

I have already read so many scary stories on the topic: “My mother-in-law is a monster!” Some of them make my hair move on my head ...

And everything would be fine if such a conflict did not destroy the relationship of the spouses. But it is precisely this that can be called a time bomb. Which at first imperceptibly lies in the bushes, but at one point it will explode with all its might. And then not everyone will survive. Even those who survive will remain wounded in the heart until the end of their days.

Between two fires

Let's look at the situation through the eyes of a husband. He has a mother. This is the woman who gave birth to him, endured, fed and raised him. And even if she did it all not perfectly, it is thanks to her that he is. It's hard to deny.

Like any child, he is very loyal to his parents. Even if it doesn't show it on the outside. Even if he has a bad relationship with his mother. In his heart he loves her. Undoubtedly. Like all children. This, by the way, is clearly visible, if a man speaks badly about his mother, then he most often does not allow others to also speak badly about her.

Now the woman he loves appears. And she loves him. Everything seems to be great. But it turns out that the beloved has a conflict with her mother. And then he becomes, as it were, between two fires. He needs to choose every moment of time - a wife or a mother? Mom or wife? Do you think this is easy for a sincerely loving heart? There is a second question - how will it end?

Most often, he chooses in the end mom. Because you don't choose your mother, but you can choose your wife. Because he has known his mother for forty years, and his wife for only five. Because his mother completely accepts and understands him, but his wife does not. That is, it turns out that the conflict with the mother-in-law brings the most problems to the daughter-in-law. And it is the daughter-in-law, most likely, who will remain out of work.

This means that it is the task of the daughter-in-law to establish relations with the mother-in-law. For the sake of his family happiness, for the sake of children and for the sake of her husband's peace of mind.

Give the world the best you have?

And let's also look at the situation through the eyes of a mother.

For many, many years she raised this boy. She washed diapers, nursed during illnesses, smeared her knees with brilliant green, consoled after fights in kindergarten. She did his homework for him, took him to circles, bought him a club, and she herself went around in an old coat.

That's what mothers are. They give a lot to their children. They invest a lot in them. Of course, mothers are not the most selfless now. Many - or even all - want to be proud of their children, so that children please and help. It is rare that a parent is ready to accept any choice of their child and let go.

Most women have only one or two children. Therefore, there is nowhere else to wait for returns. All eggs are obtained in one basket. And then it is insanely important to keep this basket. No matter what.

What happens if such a high importance? Actually, the "basket", or rather the child, begins to rebel. Because he was not born into this world in order to meet someone's expectations. And he wants to go his own way, and not try to fit in all the time.

What happens to a mother who sees the rebellion of her own and beloved child? Her heart is bursting with pain and disappointment.

Here the precious child has grown. He became a big and strong man. But due to his “youth and stupidity”, he will not thank his mother for this. And just choose some girl and bring her to the house.

This girl will immediately decide that from now on - this is her man. And he will start to conquer territories. Don't go to your mother, don't call your mother, throw away your mother's gifts. We will trust children only to my mother. Etc.

New family or parent?

Of course, from the point of view of systemic therapy, the new family has an advantage over the old one. That is, children should leave their families of origin and create their own. But. How we leave matters a lot. Are we slamming doors and burning bridges Or we run away as far as possible. Or we break the connection completely. Or we say our sincere thanks and continue to live the way we want.

Gratitude to parents does not mean indulging their every whim. It does not mean that she constantly lives in such a way as to please them.

True gratitude can only be expressed by the fact that we will give birth to children and give them no less than we received ourselves.

If we imagine that a man is a huge and strong tree, then it becomes clear how to behave with his roots. After all, his kind is just the roots that feed the tree and give strength for growth and development.

If we try to uproot a young tree and cut off its roots, then most likely it will die before it reaches flowering. It can become strong and powerful only if it retains its ancestral ties. Drawing strength from them and giving it further - to their fruits.

What do daughters-in-law expect from mothers-in-law?

1. Very often girls disliked by mothers waiting for their mother-in-law to beat them. That she will accept you as her own daughter. And he will give you everything that you did not receive.

It's practically unrealistic. It happens - but very, very rarely. If the mother-in-law raised many sons and dreamed of a daughter all her life, for example.

You are already taking away the most valuable thing from your mother-in-law - her dear son. She has already given you so much. Even if you don't see or understand it.

But when we stop expecting motherly love from her, it is easier for us to take a sober look at things.

2. We, as daughters-in-law, are also waiting recognition of their authority. Translated into simple language - so that my husband is completely mine. And he danced to my tune, and not to my mother's.

But a husband is not a thing in the household. And not a hamster, which can be given to another along with the cage. Even a dog does not always obey the one who is recorded in the passport as the owner.

And the husband is a human being. No matter how strange it may sound. It cannot belong to anyone.

3. We want autonomy. Your personal family space. Independence.

Only we forget the most important. A person is never completely autonomous and independent. When you meet a man, you are never alone. Even in bed. There are always at least six of you - your parents, his parents and you. But more often than not, it's even more. The influence of grandmothers, grandfathers, great-grandmothers, great-grandfathers is added - and so on.

And all this will continue in your children. Whether you like it or not. Whether you like it or not.

Why did I write about it

Our relationship with my husband's mother has come a long way. I still remember how she turned white when Lesha announced our wedding. I remember how shocked she was and how difficult it was at first for us to communicate.

I also remember the many months of silence between us, when Lesha asked his mother not to come to visit anymore. And I remember how hard it was for him then. How he missed both his mother and his father (who, like a true gentleman, stood up for her).

And only recently I was able to understand it. I was able to see her immense love for her son, who almost died at an early age. I felt her pain from the fact that he grew up and lives his own life.

But the most important thing I felt was gratitude. I realized that whatever she was, she was the one who raised my dear husband. And I invested a lot in it. Everything that I love about him is also her merit.

When I felt it, I was able to write to her about it. First - very briefly, "Thank you for such a wonderful son." And this postcard seemed to break the dam between us.

I felt great relief. Because I don't have to try to replace her. And you don't have to try to conquer it completely. I don't need to share it with her. He will forever be her son. And I need him - as a husband. And the place next to him is mine. Whereas his mother will always stand behind him.

My husband also felt relieved. It became easier for him to talk to me about his family and his childhood.

And her heart began to melt too. Finally, we can communicate calmly. Like two women in love with the same man. But at the same time, each of us has our own place in his heart.

She said that it was the best postcard in her life. Now I am writing her such congratulations. Because this is true.

She really gave birth and raised the best man for me. And I am grateful to her for that.

How to build a relationship with your mother-in-law:

I wish each of you someday to become the best mother-in-law in the world - you understand that, most likely, you will become her (or mother-in-law) one day? :)

One can argue about whether it is worth calling her reluctantly "mother" or is it still a vestige of the past. One indisputable fact remains - you choose your husband, and you get his relatives as a bonus, and even pleasant or not very, depends on how you look at it.

For your mother-in-law, her son is the best / favorite / talented or just a man in whom she has invested a lot. Therefore, it is very difficult for her to admit that her very, very boy has grown up. It is incredibly difficult to accept in one day, and often for many years, the fact that a son can only have his personal, adult life, in which she should not interfere with her mother-in-law.

She has to get used to the new status of her son, to the difficult changes that a woman appeared in his life who “moved” her. Therefore, she cannot just take and love you. It may well be that in the first years of your life together you will expect such “gifts” from your mother-in-law as attacks of jealousy, attempts to defend your authority, tricks and manipulations in order to influence your son.

But this does not mean that building a good relationship with the mother-in-law is something from the category of “mission impossible”. Your husband's family can be both support for you and the cause of energy and love draining from your family. How your relationship develops depends on your behavior and actions by at least 50%. If your husband's parents, and in particular, his mother, have become a reason for you to quarrel with your loved one, most likely you made a mistake building relationships with the newly-made "mother".

In this article, I suggest that you analyze your behavior with your mother-in-law and look for ways out of the impasse. In the following list, you will find the main tactical mistakes that lead to the fact that the mother-in-law problem grows to incredible proportions.

By the way, persistent irritation, anger and resentment against your mother-in-law, complaints to everyone who is ready to listen to how unlucky you are - the first sign that your family is draining energy. Instead of directing your attention to your relationship with your husband and children, you are wasting your energy on the negative, focusing not on what really needs your attention.

Why it happens? Perhaps it's time to do some work on the bugs? What should not be done in a relationship with the mother-in-law? We deal with the psychologist Lesya Matveeva.

Lesya Matveeva

Psychoanalyst, public figure,

personal development consultant

channel 1+1 presenter.

1. Compete.

You should not share with your husband's mother-in-law. He is not the nursery rhyme orange that is “only one.” He is a grown man who has chosen you as his life partner. His mother has known him from the first days of his life and there will always be a special place in his heart for his mother. And point. Do not waste time and effort proving that you are more important/better/more important to him. You are both important, but you are on different levels. You are a beloved woman, wife, mother of his children; mother-in-law is a mother who will remain her no matter what, even if he stops communicating with her. You do not need to compete, because just as you cannot, and most importantly should not, take the place of his mother, so she will never replace you.

2. Let into your territory.

This is not about a room or apartment that your mother-in-law does not have access to without your permission, although this is also an important point. It's about your personal space with your husband, which should be inaccessible to anyone.

For a mother who "didn't let go" of her son, the idea that she might not be welcome if she suddenly comes to visit unannounced is simply incredible. Therefore, at first you may be faced with the fact that the mother-in-law has no understanding of why her opinion was not asked and not taken into account.

What should you do? Draw boundaries for your family. It's difficult, but otherwise you won't have any intimate space and be prepared for your mother-in-law to demand the keys to your apartment (just in case), call in the middle of the night and make scandals about why you didn't visit her at the weekend.

3. Develop rules under the pressure of the mother-in-law.

After marriage, you and your husband begin to develop your own rules, create your own microclimate and your task is to ensure that the mother-in-law does not interfere in this process.

Planning a budget, making serious decisions, all this you should decide only with your husband. At first, the mother-in-law will test your family boundaries, giving advice, trying to influence her husband. But on this issue, you can't give up.

The best tactic is to listen if the mother-in-law wants to speak up and have her own way. Devote her less to personal issues, do not rush to discuss her husband's shortcomings with her, hoping that she will influence her son.

4. Expect your mother-in-law to be by your side.

Superexpectations, especially those fueled by the husband’s stories “I have such a worldly mother!”, “You will definitely get along with her”, should not mislead you that his mother will love you like her own daughter.

Remember, the less you expect from your future mother-in-law, the less she will disappoint you. You should also understand that she has her own plans and fantasies for you. Perhaps she wanted you to bake pies, become her best friend, give birth to three grandchildren at once. But instead, you are all so busy, you don’t spend time on cooking, and you plan to have children no earlier than 35 years old, until you make a career. Here is the first point of disagreement.

Don't blame your mother-in-law for not liking you. She is an ordinary person with inherent flaws. In her understanding, the ideal wife looks different than the always busy business woman.

At the same time, you may wish your mother-in-law was different. More intelligent, wiser, so that you can count on her advice, without fear you can trust your children, know that she will not advise her husband badly and will not bring him with her ex, will let her into your family. So it’s worth accepting a real mother-in-law, saying goodbye to a fantasy image.

5. Take conflicts on your shoulders.

Do not forget that the husband's mother, who loves scandals and squabbles, is, first of all, his problem. He shouldn't put it on your shoulders. Do not let your husband withdraw himself and remain silent in matters of principle for the family. For example, with the same decision not to let your mother come to visit you without warning, "like snow on your head." You don't have to be the bad cop in a relationship as long as your husband is the beloved son. He is an adult man and since he has decided to create an alliance, to unite your lives, then there is no need to drag your mother there. Therefore, you must work together to protect family rules and boundaries.

6. Make a monster out of the mother-in-law.

So, despite all the expectations, you need to learn how to build communication. Therefore, do not rush to declare that you cannot get along with your mother-in-law. Start by finding a place in your heart to be grateful. This woman raised your husband, she is the future grandmother of your children, find positive qualities in her. Do not focus on her negative aspects, this will not make you feel better.

Many couples fail just because young women don't have a relationship with their mother-in-law. If everything is not going smoothly with his mother, do not punish yourself: you may have a very difficult case. And not everything depends on you. Study the advice of our psychologist to other women, maybe you will find something useful for yourself.

Relationship with the mother-in-law - the experience of other women

Surely you are thinking: I wonder if there are women in the world who have an excellent relationship with their mother-in-law? Yes, I have!

In fact, if you follow common sense, all women who have sons cannot be bad. It just doesn't happen that way. The character of a person is an individual thing, and scientists have not yet announced to the world that when a boy is born, a woman's temper immediately deteriorates!

Most likely, in society it is simply customary to talk more about the bad than about the good. Well, who will, having run to work, start talking in the morning about his wonderful “second mother” and excellent relationship with his mother-in-law?

But it’s hard not to complain about the “evil mother-in-law” who “turned you on” at 7 in the morning, it’s hard to resist. We don’t really like to talk about our good relations with anyone (what if they jinx it?), But it’s a sin not to talk about bad ones - you will receive another portion of sympathy from others, and an affectionate word, as you know, is pleasant to everyone ...

Maybe you should try to understand: “why is this woman so angry? What doesn't she like?

“At first, relations with the mother-in-law did not work out, because the mother-in-law initially took me with hostility, and she did not answer all my attempts to make friends with her, did not want to meet halfway. But I did not lose hope, I invited her to the cinema with me, to the theater, I tried to celebrate family holidays together.

And when a baby appeared in our family, very similar to her son (you can say his copy), she thawed, and now everything is just fine with us!

“You don't have to change yourself. Do housework, do housework. At first, everything was “wrong” and everything was “wrong”, but over time, it wasn’t me for her, but she adapted to me.

“Who makes you love your mother-in-law? You can’t just fall in love with a new neighbor or colleague. All relationships are built slowly and carefully, with the desire of both parties.

Start with positivity and great love for your son and husband. Close your eyes to something, and open your eyes to something (to my husband, of course), to communicate with my mother-in-law, the effect is amazing. We must try. After all, he was with her before, and now with me, and not vice versa. He didn’t choose her, but he chose me and loves me, so why bother?”

And some in relations with their mother-in-law were simply lucky, as they think:

“My relationship with my mother-in-law can be called sincerely - worthy of imitation. I admire her both as a woman and as a mother. Her ability to live in the absence of any conflict is pleasantly surprising. She does not know how, like many, to teach, instruct, point out, reproach. Or just doesn't do it out of tact.

She looks after herself, is always in good shape. I would love to have the same character. I admire her endurance and calmness in certain situations.

I have been living with her son for 14 years now, and all these years we have maintained the most worthy relationship with my mother-in-law. I can't believe that I can be so lucky in life. But with my mother-in-law, I was truly lucky!

Relationship with mother-in-law - selfish

"Hello! I ask you to help, because I feel that soon the end of my psychosis will come to me. I will tell you only a small part of my whole big and sad story about my relationship with my mother-in-law.

Got mother-in-law. A long time ago, six years ago, when she worked for the last year, she was still an ordinary person, but then my husband and I did not have two more children and no extra money.

My husband and I lived with my parents, although he left the half-empty three-ruble note for us in a kopeck piece, and the four of us lived. He had only one trousers, and he was also very interested in my salary.

By that time, his mother was already four years old, as she lived in the country, “because walking in the fresh air helps with hypertension.” Then the first child was born, and we moved into a modest odnushka without an elevator, bought by my husband in an unfinished building.

Then we bought an apartment, for which 2/3 were allocated to me by my parents, so that they would not huddle like cockroaches in a bank, and the child would have more space. And my parents, in general, elderly people, all their lives took care of their daughter's living space as a dowry, bow to them. We paid the rest ourselves.

I went to work, the child was 8 months old, but I worked only 3 months, as I came home at 7-8 pm, and my mother could hardly cope with her son, my mother-in-law did not want to come.

When I gave birth to a daughter, no one even called me at the maternity hospital with words of congratulations, neither he nor she. When the child was 5 months old, I had a question about defending my diploma, but my mother-in-law refused to help look after the children.

And here is another case about the relationship with the mother-in-law. Recently my child got a concussion and was in the hospital. I ask her: come, help, I have to sit with a child, it’s very hard for me with two, even if you read a book. To me in response: tomorrow a friend comes to me, then guests will come, and then a cultural program is scheduled for the weekend.

I told her that this, of course, is more important than a grandson, and grief with a child is our difficulties, and she complained to her husband that I was rude to her. She, as I understand it, artificially creates a situation. So that I would not ask her once again for anything and never count on her help. I would like to minimize the relationship with the mother-in-law. Diana Romeiko.

How to build a relationship with the mother-in-law - selfish, psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers:

In my opinion, you take everything very close to your heart ... Yes, she is like that !!! But you are not a child either, try not to lose your temper, do not expect absolutely anything from her, less. to see her ... This is all quite realistic to do, the husband cannot tell his mother not to come, tell yourself ...

Only not rudely, but deadly calmly, but with poison in his voice. And try to always be calm with her. You'll see how it affects her!

Pay no attention to your mother-in-law at all. Be calm, do some kind of auto-training. Imagine a wall between you, mirrored from the outside, from which all the attacks of the mother-in-law are reflected, without reaching you.

Learn special exercises to help reduce the negative influence of a particular person.

So, in relations with the mother-in-law, act in this way:

Tell her that she doesn't have to come when you are at home. You and two children are enough;

Don't ask for anything;

Do not quarrel with your husband about this;

Talk on the phone briefly, quickly, only on business (do not call yourself);

Create a sense of limitation for her (emphasize age, brag about the success of the children, but do not tell details about yourself or the children);

When insulting in your house, show where the door is, but without scandal, quietly and calmly (at this moment, imagine that there is a baby nearby, and a loud voice can wake him up; you will get a super hissing effect).

Good luck and success to you!

When the relationship with the mother-in-law is harmful to health

“I have a second marriage and a strange relationship with my mother-in-law. The first marriage was destroyed by the first mother-in-law, I weaned the second one from prying into our affairs, but when I need to meet with her, I get sick, the temperature rises. It seems clear why, but how to get rid of it? Sabina Efentieva.

How to build relationships with your mother-in-law if you get sick after talking with her, psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers:

As for the temperature - an ordinary somatized reaction to a stressful situation (communication with an unpleasant person). But why does he become unpleasant to you?

Surely one of the reasons for the “strange relationship with your mother-in-law” is that you again chose a husband dependent on your mother. Again you are fighting for your husband with your mother-in-law. At the same time, tensions with the mother-in-law cannot be avoided. And since the mother-in-law is a woman with more substantial worldly experience, she is more successful in getting on your nerves (even if it seems to you that you “weaned” her from this). And in principle, this is how you can do it.

The first is to change the mother-in-law (together with her husband). True, now you may well choose a third husband complete with the same mother ...

The second is not to go to visit her, never, for any reason, remaining in a position of silent confrontation (although this is unlikely to improve your relationship with your husband).

And the third thing is to learn how to psychologically distance yourself from a person you don't like, and then build polite diplomatic relations with him. But in principle, it would be nice to figure out why you choose just such men and by what principle (not external, but latent) you build relationships with your mother-in-law and with your husband himself ...

There are, of course, lucky women in the world who, without any pretense, declare: my mother-in-law and I are best friends! Such, according to a survey on our website, 7%. If you are one of them, then reading this article does not make any sense to you: you found a common language with your husband’s mother without our help. However, the cold war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a more than common phenomenon. And not only in our country. How to improve relations with the mother-in-law?

09:27 25.01.2015

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is one of the classic literary plots, even in myths and legends this couple was noted! And how many yaokih real stories .... Do not count! Who would have thought, let's say that the Prime Minister of India, Indira Gandhi, arranged a real terror for her daughter-in-law: she kicked her out of the house and rolled up scandals. From this we can conclude: even the smartest women, trying on the status of a mother-in-law, can behave, to put it mildly, inappropriately. That is why in Germany at the end of the last century, the so-called "Union of irreconcilable daughters-in-law" appeared. That is, those for whom the struggle with the mother of her husband turns into the goal and meaning of all life. But we offer to improve relations with the mother-in-law and live happily. It's possible, believe me!

Maybe, just like you once, their mothers told them in their hearts: just wait, you will go to live with your mother-in-law, she will show you the sky in diamonds! And somewhere deep in the subcortex, the brain recorded information: yeah, that means the mother-in-law is such a monster from whom you can’t expect anything good!

In fact, most of them are quite reasonable and sweet women who love their beloved child more than anything else. That is your husband. And can't you two, not indifferent to the same man, get along? Yes, this can not be!

First meeting: tune in to understanding

Admit that deep down you're afraid of her. Legends about angry grumpy mothers-in-law are as old as the world, so sacred horror, or at least slight panic, covers almost every potential daughter-in-law. Yes, and the future mother-in-law is wary: who here claims her beloved son, whom she cherished and cherished for so many years? Purely feminine often mingles with maternal jealousy: the daughter-in-law is both younger and more beautiful than she is. And it doesn’t matter if you live together or separately, you can’t avoid easy coolness between you at the first stage - be prepared for this. This is where you have an amazing chance to become the director of your relationship - so that there are no superfluous ones in the triangle “you, husband and mother-in-law”.

What to do? Be sincere, be yourself. But always, in all situations, put yourself in her place. Only in this way will you be able to understand the motives of her actions - and find the key to a truce. It is very dangerous to perceive the mother-in-law in advance as a threat to your family happiness. There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you come up with a myth about an evil mother-in-law, a situation will surely arise that will confirm it. The mother-in-law in any case wants the best for her son - your husband.

Remember! Your goal is to make your relationship with your mother-in-law constructive, primarily for the sake of your husband. It is very important for him that you find a common language - even if he does not say anything about it.

Advice. Don't judge her at first sight. Do not take her actions and judgments with hostility, even if they surprise you. Since you were brought up in a different family, it is quite normal that your views differ in many ways. Ask your husband about her life - to get a deeper understanding of why she behaves this way. Also show that you really love her son. Agree, he became such a wonderful guy primarily thanks to his mother. If the mother-in-law sees that you sincerely want to make him happy, she will forgive you for minor flaws in housekeeping or raising children.

Tactics. At the first meeting with her, sit next to her, but in no case opposite - this position is the most conflicting. If you are seated on the couch or at the table, try to get a seat a little closer to her and not to your fiancé. You should not look at his mother in the eyes all the time: a direct look at point-blank range indicates aggression. Smile at her and… thank her for raising such an amazing son. There is no doubt that her maternal heart will melt at these words.

Household: let's make peace

Once in a strange family, you encounter strange things at every step. The mother-in-law dries the shoes on the radiator, heats the borscht in a frying pan and washes the dog bedding in the same bowl as her linen. She follows a thousand folk signs and watches boring TV shows at such a volume that it fills your ears. Getting used to a new way of life is problematic... And here it is important to understand: you came to its territory, and not vice versa. And she does not try to prick and humiliate you at all, giving advice at every step. She's just SO used to it and sincerely wants the best!

What to do? No one forced you to follow all her advice. Somewhere it makes sense to nod and do it your own way. But, you must admit, in many matters she is a real pro. For example, she is an excellent cook, sews or knits superbly. Acknowledge out loud her authority in this area, let her feel that you respect her experience and knowledge. Then the discussion of other aspects of life will not be so conflicting and sharp for you.

Advice. Show some respect, if only because she's older than you. “I have a golden rule: I never interrupt my mother-in-law,” says 30-year-old Ivanna. “In my opinion, the very fact that I listen to her is important for her, and not how I then act!” “And I came up with such a trick,” says 27-year-old Olga. - When I feel that my mother-in-law is dissatisfied with something, I come to her for advice on a variety of reasons. I’ll ask how she fills borscht, then I’ll ask what her son loves more for dinner. She is always so happy!”

Sometimes the tactic of separating duties works well: one goes shopping, buys groceries, prepares food, the other cleans, launders, irons clothes and beats carpets. But if your views are completely opposite, the only way not to quarrel completely is to leave. True, it also happens that the mother-in-law begins to arrange inspections in your home with your husband. Treat what is happening with humor. She, having come to visit, arranged things on the chest of drawers in her own way? Well, let them stand like this today. After she leaves, you will return them to their original place.

Remember! Feel free to ask for forgiveness if, after doing your own thing, you find that your mother-in-law was right after all.

Tactics. When disputes arise on domestic grounds, it is important to delay our reaction, because in the heat of the moment we answer immediately, and then often regret our words. Try shifting your focus from outside to inside. For example, take your pulse. And calm down, think about how to answer.

Personal life: your territory

Listen only to my friends! One mother-in-law at 8 am on Sundays went into the bedroom of the young, sat on the edge of a chair and quietly knitted - she was bored alone. For another, she planned contracts for the dacha every weekend, not taking into account the plans of her son and daughter-in-law. At the third, she tried to control the family budget ... Do you know this? Many mothers believe that their first duty is to lead and guide the family ship of their offspring. And they by no means agree to play the role of an outside observer! And when their help is rejected, tears or reproaches begin: you don’t need me, you don’t love me anymore.

What to do? Only by talking through the conflict situation, you can reach a compromise. If the care of the mother-in-law seems annoying to you, tell her that you will make some decisions without her participation. But avoid ultimatums or accusations - show that you respect her, but in this particular case you are sure that you are right. Such a statement, of course, will upset her, but it will be even worse if she does not understand the reasons for your hostility. Then the mother-in-law will certainly take up arms against you, interpreting your behavior in her own way.

Remember! You should never put your husband in front of an unambiguous choice - “either me or your mother!”

Advice. Analyze the behavior and actions of your mother - often we unconsciously copy the reactions of our parents. Ask yourself: in what situations did your mother’s example help you avoid conflict, and in which, on the contrary, provoked it. Try to avoid parenting scenarios that strain the relationship between you and your mother-in-law. If a quarrel did occur, ask yourself a few simple questions: what result would I like to achieve in this case? Did my words and actions lead to this goal?

How did I influence the situation? If it happened again, what would I change in my behavior? What should be said and done to achieve unanimity? Of course, you cannot be sure that your good intentions will improve your relationship. But why not try? After all, to make peace with the mother-in-law and come to an agreement means to improve relations in the family and relax, finally!

Tactics. The most difficult thing is to turn the conversation from the area of accusations into a constructive direction. Try to transform her objections and reproaches into a question - and you will get specific information, not just emotions. Use the word “important”: did I understand correctly that it is important for you that we go on vacation to the country and hand over vouchers to the resort? Even if a quarrel cannot be avoided, her answer will contain information that you can and should think about.

Children: kind granny and monster mom

The most frequent complaints that daughters-in-law make to grandmothers-in-laws are: “She gets me with her advice” or “She doesn’t take into account my opinion - what to feed, what to wear.” And it just seems to the grandmother that everything that happens is started with the sole purpose of removing her from the child. This is where the resentment and mutual reproaches begin!

What to do? The best thing is to sort out your feelings and understand what really bothers you: the wrong grandmother's upbringing or the unceremoniousness with which she pushes you into the background. If you do not want to be tormented by volunteer helpers from among relatives with their care for the child, make it a rule to take the initiative in your own hands. For example, let the mother-in-law walk with the baby or pick him up from kindergarten. Formulate your requests clearly, without unnecessary emotions and do not hesitate to control: this way you will make it clear that you are closely monitoring the situation. However, there are times when the words of the mother-in-law are still worth listening to: whatever one may say, she has more experience in raising children and her advice can be very useful to you, especially when the child is very small.

Advice. Take it easy that your views do not always coincide. If your grandmother said or did something wrong in your absence, ask her not to do it again. Support your position with authoritative sources: do not be too lazy to print an article from the Internet about the dangers of sweets, show a book about raising children, where it is written in black and white how to respond to children's whims. If your mother-in-law does not trust the printed word too much, connect your family: perhaps the father-in-law or sister-in-law will support your position. But in any case, you need to agree with relatives. And if a child cannot eat chocolate, none of the adults, neither parents nor grandparents, should violate this prohibition.

Remember! Never speak ill of a grandmother in front of a child!

Tactics. Any of your wishes must be repeated many times, without being nervous or annoyed. Flare up - you lose. If the situation is at an impasse, immediately look for a nanny or go to different apartments. One should not think that such a forced flight will completely spoil the relationship. On the contrary, when the passions subside a little, they will become calmer.

Complete "ignore"?

A survey on the site showed that 22% of our readers consider their mother-in-law to be an absolutely alien person. Do you agree with this opinion? Then be prepared for unpleasant surprises! Firstly, your spouse, even if he is silent about it, is not happy with your position of complete “ignorance”: unspoken claims are even more dangerous than an open argument. And someday, in the heat of a quarrel, he can say a lot of offensive words to you about this. And secondly, you, too, someday will become a mother-in-law or mother-in-law. If you want the relationship with the family of an adult child to develop harmoniously, think: what memories will he have after eternal battles with his mother-in-law? After all, childhood impressions are the most vivid.

Make mental gifts

Sometimes we can build relationships with loved ones not only with specific words or actions, but also ... with the power of thought.

Valery Sinelnikov, the Russian psychologist of the New Wave, argues that if a person is in conflict with you, you should think about what he lacks - love, attention, self-respect or energy. After all, this is what he unconsciously seeks to take away from you in the heat of a quarrel. When you understand this, give your mother-in-law a mental gift - ask the higher powers for exactly what she lacks. Does she need the love of a son? Imagine how he approaches her, gently hugs her shoulders, gives flowers. Does she accuse you of squandering? Imagine that it was raining money on her. At the same time, you don’t have to say anything out loud, even unspoken, but a sincere wish for good will help her feel more comfortable, and remove excessive aggressiveness as if by hand!

Only cooperation!

Choose the right style of behavior in a conflict situation - and you both win.

Psychologists say that there are four styles of behavior in a conflict situation, and which one you choose depends largely on whether you can reach a compromise with your mother-in-law. The first - rivalry, when both parties do not want to give each other anything - as a rule, does not lead to anything good. Avoidance doesn't bode well either: the problem won't go away just because you pretend it doesn't exist. The third tactic - adaptation - is dangerous because, in the hope of a long-awaited peace and tranquility, you sacrifice your interests, and this, you see, is not always right. The optimal style of behavior is cooperation. This method is good because, defending your interests, you offer an option that suits both you and your mother-in-law. She wants your little one to spend the whole summer with her, and have you already bought vacation packages for the whole family? Agree that he will certainly spend the rest of the holidays with his beloved grandmother!

If an agreement could not be reached

Despite your efforts, does your mother-in-law still consider you enemy number one?
In this situation, the most important thing is to show your husband that aggression does not come from you, that you are ready to be friends with her, but it doesn’t work out ... Don’t let problems with your mother-in-law become a cause of contention in your family. In no case do not scold his mother in front of his wife: he is an adult, and he sees everything. Do not forbid him to go to visit her, moreover, remind yourself that it would be time to look after a gift for her for the holiday or call in the evening, inquire about well-being. Also, never say never! If after a while the mother-in-law decides to make peace with you, do not push her away! Your generosity will be appreciated by both your mother-in-law and your loved ones!

Point of view shift

If you are serious about stopping hostilities with your mother-in-law, this simple psychotechnics will help you. Try it - and you won't be disappointed!
It is based on the tactics of the commanders-in-chief: if you want to defeat the enemy, study him! But! The mother-in-law is not your opponent, we will replace the word “win” with “love”, and “study” - with “understand”.
Left alone at home, sit in a chair, relax, start your imagination. You have to reincarnate ... as your mother-in-law! It is not so difficult, the main condition is no irritation. Talk a few times: “Everyone is right. And Svetlana Ivanovna too (it is obligatory to call her by her first name). She just has her own truth. And I need to understand it." After that, mentally draw a few everyday scenes with your participation (by no means from the past!). Here you choose a refrigerator, here you and your husband tell her about the decision to leave ...
Assess the situation in her words, ask her questions, voice her opinion. Happened? So, her way of life is no longer a mystery to you, but the logic has become transparent. Perhaps you will understand that your “jealous” mother-in-law is simply terribly afraid of loneliness, that the “philistine” in her comes from a joyless childhood, that the “greedy” in her was awakened by her ex-husband, who left her with her son without any support ... This does not mean at all that she should forgive everything and step on her interests. But understanding will lead you to balance and indulgence. And to the new tactics of accurate hitting! For example, you will calm the “jealous woman”, ignore the “philistine”, and simply feed the “greedy woman” with sweets ...
You will get an amazing diplomatic experience! Because understanding with your mother-in-law is much more important for you than for her. After all, your husband is a strong and responsible man. How can he be truly happy when the two women closest to him are at enmity?

Real story
I agree, but I do it my way

Katerina, 23 years old

My mother-in-law is a strong and strong-willed woman. She is an excellent leader. But not only at work ... She is used to being a leader both in the family and in everyday life. Otherwise, you can’t manage with three men (she is the wife and mother of two adult sons). Even when I met with Vadim, I often visited them. Their family made me feel very welcome each time. Mom carefully asked me about my well-being, about my studies. We immediately fell in love with each other. I noticed that in relation to me she was very soft, but she built her men like a commander. Even then I thought: "I'll have to learn this art from her." When we got married, the mother-in-law began to express her position more actively. She was up to date with everything and participated in the discussion of our family decisions, up to housing and loans. At first, I boiled from her orders. I was especially surprised that everyone obeys! I realized that I would still not be able to convince her of anything and, even more so, change her character. Therefore, I decided that from now on I will agree in everything, and ... act in my own way. I think she will understand me - in this we are similar!

Real story
Two lifesaving tactics

Olga, 30 years old

From my own experience, I was convinced that how your boyfriend’s mother treats you largely depends on whether you will have a harmonious union. With my previous one - we were not officially scheduled, but everything went to this - we broke up precisely because his mother did not accept me. It hurt, but what can you do? But contact with Dima's mother was immediately established: I even, of my own free will, began to call her mother. And she is very proud of it! Of course, not everything was perfect at first, but even at the first meeting I saw that the most important thing for the mother-in-law is that everything was fine with my husband. And for this cordial attitude, I am ready to forgive her a lot!
My advice: if you have a conflict with your mother-in-law, do not "get on the rampage", try to somehow smooth the situation. I always do just that!
For myself, I have identified two tactics of behavior in case my mother-in-law and I do not see eye to eye. The first option: if the issue is really important and fundamental. For example, she claims that the child should be put to bed strictly according to the regimen, and sometimes I make indulgences to my Pavlik. In this case, I “hit the logic”: I explain why the baby won’t fall asleep now, and you shouldn’t spoil your nerves because of this! I just do it, of course, calmly and tactfully. The second variant of behavior was suggested to me by my husband - who, if not him, should know the character of his mother! He says: don’t insist on your own now, wait a bit, mom will cool down, and the situation will “resolve” itself. And he turned out to be right!

Dasha Donskaya, editor"The only one"
Called mother-in-law mom

From the first day I met my current father-in-laws, I had friendly and business communication. When their son and I began to meet, the attitude towards me changed. I could feel the gaze of my future mother-in-law and felt a note of disbelief in the way she spoke to me. After the engagement, she slightly changed her tone. But I still have an unpleasant aftertaste in my soul. There was no desire to get close. After the wedding, my grandmother casually asked: “Dasha, how do you address his parents?” When she found out that I call them by their first and middle names, she was indignant: “Promise me that you will call them “mom” and “dad.” I promised. And yet, for quite a long time, the tongue did not turn to call it that. I was tormented by pride and old grievances. But one day I squeezed out a quiet “mother” by force - I hoped that she would not hear. And she was surprised to see her mother-in-law's eyes full of tears. Now, talking about her children, she always mentions me.